Nearing the End of the Journals

I had just come to the decision that I was bored to tears with my old journals and was just going to skip ahead to the part I've been working up to, when I realized that the next couple of days are actually fairly interesting. Long, but interesting. In fact, if you are willing to scroll down, or wade through more of the usual, you will get to a major statement. I am currently working on getting my summer course ready, and making revisions to my fall courses, so I have course design and teaching issues still in mind, even though I am supposed to be switching gears to writing research articles. And of course there is always politics. I may even be able to write a spiritual post about the campaign if I have some time this weekend. My journals are full of comment on my teaching; I usually don't present that here as it is not the subject of the blog. But this time it does seem relevant.

March 23, 2007

Yesterday my first class was still kind of dead. They just give me these looks, as if everything I'm saying is perfectly obvious and doesn't deserve to be answered. But then of course when you ask them, they don't know how to answer and they'll miss exam – EASY – exam questions. But that look, like it is all so obvious, is deadly. Jim recognized what I meant as soon as I said it. When you see it, even when you are seasoned, if when you've seen what a class will do with an exam, you still get thrown. I start questioning myself. Is this obvious? Too much to discuss? Is it old news? Stuff they've done a hundred times and know forwards, backwards and sideways? Do they all think I'm a droning old bag, going over it again?

And as self doubt creeps in, I begin skipping examples, requiring fewer people to throw in an answer, my voice becomes more shrill and the lesson I had planned to be so engaging and lead them down the path to enlightenment becomes just an exercise in stamina – can we all survive until saved by the bell? Horrible. I'd completely doubt my lesson plans except that I have that second section. They come in and while not a dream team in terms of engaged participation, they are heads and shoulders over the first section. They answer questions; act like they are actually thinking things through instead of going through the motions. They laugh at my jokes, and some ask questions and some nod, and I can sometimes see lights go on in heads and I know connections are being made, and then I know that my lesson plan wasn't terrible, and it wasn't all terrifically obvious, and then I have to wonder if instead, it wasn't entirely over the heads of the first class.

Teaching is a hard job! No matter how well you plan, you can never predict what any group of students will be like. However, I am getting better at thinking about where the average student will be in their knowledge and skills, and what kinds of gaps will be necessary for me to fill to get them where I want them to go, and then plan for that. Just build into the design of the course a way for them to get and practice the skills they need. As you know, since it is all I ever talk about. But it has been really helpful to apply the Tao te Ching to my teaching. My students are such a huge – a disproportinate – part of my life. Something I'm pretty sure they have no idea of. They'd probably freak out if they knew how much time I think about them as individuals, and of course as a class.

Well, it's 4 am. Should I go back to bed? Sleep for 2 hours? Or make coffee and just go on? Think with what my side is saying, I'll go for the coffee and Vicodin.

59

For governing a country well

There is nothing better than moderation.

The mark of a moderate man

Is freedom from his own ideas.

 

What an incredible line! Instead of thinking "it is better to not be a drunk" and being so tied to that idea that you become a rigid tee- totaler, you can be moderate in drinking. Instead of rigidly clinging to your own notions about what should happen next, or what the best theory or model is, one can listen to others, modify, expand, etc. Being free from one's own ideas ought also to be the mark of a scientist and a scholar.

Tolerant like the sky,

All-pervading like sunlight,

Firm like a mountain,

Supple like a tree in the wind,

He has no destination in view

And makes use of anything

Life happens to bring his way.

Nothing is impossible for him,

Because he has let go,

He can care for the people's welfare

As a mother cares for her child.

For governing a classroom well, there is nothing like moderation. It fits. I think this is a timely reminder, as I sit here, halfway through the first semester of my course design, and orders for fall text books will be requested next week. It is a good time to thoughtfully review how things have worked so far. And moderation can be a useful idea in this. Have I asked too much of the students in terms of work? I actually think not. Their grumbling has been really minimal. It is unfortunate that it is too much for me. But that's important. Isn't this verse telling me that being slavish to my ideas that the students need all of this practice is unhealthy? It is if I insist on doing it even though it so wipes me out that I can't give even the (XXX) students other things they need, let alone the (XXX) students, my research and service, my husband! So I'll need to give some thought to how to give students all those good things in moderation.

I need to try to plan each class with the whole picture of my life and duties in mind. Make sure there is balance and moderation. Then, in the class, group work is a good thing, but not every day. Ditto lecture, discussion, video, in-class writing, etc. I need to be free of my own ideas about what works in the classroom, and how much time it should take. I need to trim enough material to be sure to leave some extra days – at least 3 – for video and just taking longer to do what we need to do.

What about other areas of my life? Where else am I immoderate in my ideas? I am not moderate in the coffee I drink, or the sweets I eat, but what else? My face – due to an idea I have of what a woman's face should be like – no hair or clogged pore is allowed on my face! And of course, in going after them I sometimes make a bigger mess than I started with. Okay, but where am I not free in my ideas?

I have worked so much on this, and started out fairly open-minded, that it is hard for me to see where I am closed. I am certain that there are things I am inflexible about, but I do try to address them when I become aware of them, so the ones I have are the one's I am not aware of.

I'm very flexible in my theortecial approaches, which doesn't mean there aren't some theories I would never use; I don't agree with them. Ditto with religion and religiousity. Maybe it's in my ideas about Bush, and the religious right, and the neo, or theo-cons. But I don't at all think the book is saying one must be open to all ideas, even the ones we have considered and rejected as wrong, ill-conceived, immoral, unjust or evil. So I don't know. I'll have to keep thinking on it, and keeping my eyes open for ideas I ought to free myself of.

Looking at the description of the example – wasn't it brilliant of the writer(s?) to make statemenst about the Tao and how one should live one's life, and then follow up with a template? A model? I find it so helpful.

Tolerant as the sky, which sees all and everything and doesn't turn away. The differences students bring to class – I'm tolerant of most except those that interfere with learning. And I am less tolerant of those who don't fit my idea of what a student should be, by which I mean – people who are not there to learn, who are exceedingly lazy (I tolerate some laziness) or who are openly hostile to ideas and thinking. I could work more on freeing myself of ideas of "good" students. If some have decided to hang out in college without really applying themselves, who am I to judge them? I must evaluate their performance as part of my job, but as long as they aren't hurting the class, I can do better at accepting them – as students and people – in my heart. They may still learn something they need, whether or not they ever apply themselves. Or I might learn something from them.

I definitely need to be more tolerant of Jim. I think that living with another human being – for life – makes this a life-long project. Does it really matter how a person chews their food? Probably not. Another idea I've been trapped by.

At this moment, I do not get at all how a person can be "all pervasive as sunlight." One's tolerance, acceptance, love might make an attempt at it, but I'm gonna let this one go for now.

Firm like a mountain; that's pretty firm. Not unchanging, though. What am I firm in? Those same things I've been saying I'm not tolerant of or can't free (or don't want to free) my mind from. Like loving Jim and others. Believing in good, in helping one's fellows and receiving help from them. Of leaving the world better than you found it. So go ahead and be firm in these things, yet "supple as a tree in wind" at the same time. Firm, not rigid. Solid, but not impenetrable.

I really like the next part but I don't know how much I can apply it. How can I have "no destination in view"? I want to arrive at tenure, at having published articles, at building a study-abroad program, at being a loving and helpful wife, daughter, sister, aunt and friend. I want to arrive at my own center, able to control my responses to pain and disappointment. I want to arrive at wisdom. And it wouldn't hurt to arrive at solvency. Surely it isn't wrong or unhealthy to have such goals, so Lao-tzu must be saying something else.

Maybe these general goals are okay, it's having specific paths or plans for what they would look like fulfilled that is not helpful. Such as having one's heart set on a particular job for Jim, or a certin house. Even tenure here. A specific view of what a "good" wife or friend is, an image of what wisdom would look like (tall and bearded with a funny hat?).

If one doesn't have any distraction like this in mind, any preconceived notions, then one becomes free to "make use of anything life puts/brings into one's way". Flexibility. I love this idea, and I've tried to follow it. I know I've wanted to spend my life learning and writing and teaching, I just didn't know how for years. And even now, in this job, I won't be destroyed if I don't get to keep it. I just need to keep being this way; be wary of coming to want a particular thing too much.

The worst danger is Jim's job. When he applies for certain ones it is super hard not to want them with all of my heart. . . The Universe has a plan for us. I do believe, despite our free will, that if we are in balance with the Tao, have a good relationship with God, or identify with our Atman Brahman, or achieve Buddha-nature – however you want to put it – if we do that, then there is a place for us in the great Tapestry of life. Dr. K. called me an optimist. I'm not sure that's quite true, but I do have faith in the Universe. So I need to not hope for one particular job, but just greet Life openly, see what it brings me/us, and use that.

If I can do that – not only will our future take care of itself but we will both be better leaders. I had kind of forgotten we began with leadership. The promise here is that, "having let go of our ideas about what's right, we'll eventually be able to truly act in the best interests of others," to truly care about and protect the welfare of all. Quite a promise.

To change the subject somewhat, I am reading Orson Scott Card's Rachel and Leah, the third in his Women of Genesis series. And I think it is pretty good. Maybe not quite as good as Sarah and Rebecca, because in those he didn't have to split his attention.

What I wanted to say, though, is that my reaction is somewhat different. And it made me realize something that I am a little bit afraid to say, because of its profundity, how much it might mean. I think that I really do not believe in Yahweh anymore. At least not as He has come to be understood. And maybe it might seem to a reader that this is not news; I've written a lot that questions and doubts and rails at God.

But when I was younger that was something of a game. The equivalent of a child stamping her foot and saying, "I hate you!" to a parent. Other times I was expressing anger and betrayal and hurt. Sometimes it was real doubt, but the kind of doubt Paul spoke of, that can still be contained by belief.

For much of the time I've spent doubting and questioning, I believed in my heart that I would one day make peace and be able to find myself in Christianity. Or Judaism, at least. Perhaps even Islam. I've believed Jesus when he said "Seek and you shall find."

And I still believe that, have faith in it. But what I think I may have realized is that the path is never going to lead back to Judeo-Christianity for me. Yahweh is not, ultimately, what I was seeking. Since I have been steeped from early infancy on, in belief in this One God's presence, and have felt Him and praised and wrestled with Him, it is scary and sad and painful to give Him up.

Scary, because what if I'm wrong? He's a fearsome God. Jealous, demanding, and vengeful. But so sad, too, because He is gentle and loves unconditionally; because He knows the hairs on my head and rejoices for the lost lamb. He's been the recipient of so many thousands of my prayers. I've directed enormous amounts of energy into pleasing, serving, loving and trying to understand Him. Will I really be able to give Him up?

What makes it at least potentially possible is that I think I believe that I am not going to have to give up what is There, at the end of my seeking path. There is something there. It isn't "god" itself I no longer believe in, but Yahweh, Jehovah, Allah, the god of the Jews, Christians and Muslims.

And so in a way it is not that I don't believe in Him, it is that I DO belive in Him/It/Her. There is a God who might even have spoken to Hebrews. But they and everyone after has gotten it so mixed up that I don't think it is even close enough that I can squeeze in under the multi-definitional umbrella of "Person of the Book."

My mother will be dismayed. It's strange. There will be a bit of a hole that has to do with history and ritual more than anything else. But the point is, it isn't any longer – or at least it isn't right now – a matter of my wanting desperately to believe, wanting to be converted, aching for a touch from on high. It is that all of that yearning is gone. It has been replaced with a quieter, more peaceful certainty that there is pattern and meaning in the Universe, and that I am part of it.

Still Getting it Together, March 19-24 2007

Well folks, it is taking me longer to get back into the swing of things than I thought it would. All I seem able to do is lay around and read novels. And a few other things. In fact, I'm going to have to write a real live, real-time post here pretty soon, because there is something so cool I want to share with you all that I just learned about (thanks, big sister!). In the meantime, here is the next installment . . .

March 19

Monday, and here I am at 4:30 am again. After going to bed at 11:30 and waking at 2, 3, and 4. First day back to work after the break, and I'm finding it tough to find the good in this pain. Maybe it will finally dirve me to do the meditation I need to be doing. I do feel I at least won't forget to make my doctor's appointment today. [Several pages detailing the work I accomplished over the break and what still remained to be done, plans for the rest of the semester, and the desire to move, buy a house].

At night as I lie awake, I've been visualizing not only me – healthy, strong, and pain-free, but also Jim – happy, employed, and fired-up about a project at work. Will just keep holding those images in my mind. Make them come true with the force of my will. Well, maybe not. Not exactly following the Tao, is it? Or the advice of the Gita. However, both suggest, along with Buddhism (and quantum physics) that our minds are very powerful; that we define and create reality. So, with gentle, constant reminders to the Universe of how it is supposed to be, we can nudge it in to that shape. That's the basic theory, as I understand it. In the language of Taoism, its more like; When one is in tune with the Tao, the River will run in such a way that it tumbles rocks into or out of place, cut down a sandbank, whatever it needs to do to bring things naturally into a shape that allows the River to flow a certain way. It goes around obstacles, or using those obstacles, makes them not-obstacles. I don't know. I had a picture of how it works but I can't articulate it. It isn't what I just wrote.

Maybe the Tao te Ching will have the words or a message today that helps me see this better.

55

He who is in harmony with the Tao

Is like a newborn child.

Its bones are soft, its muscles are weak,

But its grip is powerful.

It doesn't know about the union

Of male and female,

Yet its penis can stand erect,

So intense is the vital power.

It can scream its head off all day

Yet it never becomes hoarse,

So complete is its harmony.

 

The Master's power is like this.

She lets all things come and go

Effortlessly, without desire.

She never expects results;

Thus she is never disappointed.

She is never disappointed,

Thus her spirit never grows old.

 

At first I was going to say that visualization in Taoism works, because if/when one is in harmony with the Tao, one's desires are the desires of the Tao. But the reading reminds me that like Buddha, Lao-tzu says we must let go of desire altogether. No, that isn't quite right –we are to relinquish the wrong kinds of desire. Wanting to be healthy, in balance with nature, is an allowable desire. Wanting to be free of this physical pain . . . I don't know. I think not. Wanting Jim to be on his right path, using the skills and abilities the Tao itself gave him, and desiring that he, too, be on the road to a healthy soul – those are okay desires.

We must have those desires in order to choose and stay on the Way. Wishing he'd make a lot of money, wishing he'd have some power – those are things that – it isn't wrong to want those things – it just isn't in harmony with the Tao and is thus less likely to bear fruit.

We need to concentrate on being centered in the Tao so that our desires become the ones the Tao gives. Well, that sounds like hegemonic discourse. The Tao is not Big Brother. It is just that it is what it is. So powerful that we are only going to get what it provides, because we are wholly in it, of it and for it.

Go back to the ocean. If you stand in the water, where I had us before, and you decide with all your heart that you want the water to roll out, but never come back in as waves, because you want a wet, sandy area with lots of shells to play in. Maybe, if you had really honed your mind, you could get the waves to stay back for a while. However, unless all of creation shared your desire for the ocean to cease having waves, then all the laws of physics we believe in would eventually kick in.

Now, playing in wet sand, looking for shells is not a bad or evil thing (I don't think). So, if you were in harmony with the Tao, you could do something like let yourself go with the current, and it would deposit you in a wet, sandy, shell-filled beach.

That's closer to what I believe about how visualization goes with Taoism. However, I'm still caught by the "no expectations" part. How does one simultaneously hold an image of a thing or a state they desire, and at the same time have no expectations? I know, I've asked this before, and I suppose I'll go on asking until I really get it. I do believe there is a way, because there are allusions to being able to command, or to have such power the entire universe bends your way. Power, with no desire, no expectations. Will keep puzzling.

For now it seems clear that what I need to visualize is Jim and I both being on healthy, life-affirming, harmonic paths. Don't specify what those paths are, at least not too much, because that might lead to expectations. On the other hand, people say you must be specific. I think what I can do is visualize certain jobs, activities, etc., as symbols of the health I am desirous of. Make it clear to myself that these are not the exact things I need, just symbols of the kinds of people I'd love for us to be.

And in truth, I don't have a lot of specific desires. I want Jim to be happy. That one is so big, if I could have it I would willingly, joyfully, give up all the rest. But if I didn't have to, I would really like us to not have to worry all the time about money. I would love for us to have a house that would welcome guests and have enough space for a garden – one big enough that we could feed ourselves through much of the summer and can a good deal for the long winters. It would be even better if it had lots of pretty land and water around it, but I don't need all of that to be happy. It would just be so lovely to have our own space.

I'd like to get tenure and all that implies – that my teaching and research are good and fulfilling. But I don't need those, either. If I don't get tenure, I'll adapt. I'd love to have all my loved ones live long, healthy lives, but I realize I can't expect that. I'd love to be thin and beautiful, but I've been letting go of that dream for a long time, and I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin. Not perfectly, but its better.

Really, I know things won't make me happy. Getting my Ph.D. done was huge. It was the one thing I really wanted to make sure I did. And I'm very happy with my job. I'm glad I got it and I hope to keep it. I'm not feeling, though, that I could never be happy doing something else. So in terms of things like this, I'm okay – pretty okay – with letting them come and go.

But Jim's happiness – I want it so badly that it hurts. How can I let that go, and is it right to do so?

March 20

56

Those who know don't talk.

Those who talk don't know.

 

Close your mouth,

Block off your senses,

Blunt your sharpness

Untie your knots,

Soften your glare,

Settle your dust.

This is the primal identity.

 

Be like the Tao.

It can't be approached or withdrawn from,

Benefitted or harmed,

Honored or brought into disgrace.

It gives itself up continually.

This is why it endures.

 

Hmmmm. You'd think I'd have the message about meditating by now, wouldn't you? Why have I not done that in these early mornings alone, as soon as the pain recedes a little?

March 21

Okay, so how am I doing? Pretty good, overall. I'm doing a decent job of just letting the pain be what it is, though I still mention it too much. For a long time now, I've tried to just say, "The pain is strong" or "I'm hurting quite a bit". In other words, make statements of fact, not whine and complain. But I still do complain, or say I'm tired of it and want it to go away, or die down. All statements of fact, too, but clearly statements of desire, which I am trying to eliminate.

I did a good job being present in the moment yesterday, which is why the meeting was more interesting. I didn't keep looking at the clock, as I usually do. Same with students and their groups. I gave each one my full attention, not worrying about the others who were waiting, or just wanting to be done and out of there. So I'd say I'm making progress. Trying to remember that "life is easy." Just do the thing in front of me wholly, fully, give it all of myself, and leave it when I'm done. Of course, the nature of my work is that I have to have a large number of things always in progress, so I can rarely "finish" a job, but I can do as much of the task as is reasonable or as time allows. I'm doing better at that.

I felt it important to note this somewhere. I spend a lot of time in these pages noting work I should do on myself. Wanted to record somewhere that I am working and moving forward. I keep wondering, though, if at some point it won't be the logical next step to give up the journal.

What is a journal for but to record the past? Capture the present moment of thinking? If I were truly living each moment fully, would there be any more need to write like this? Maybe I would only write down important thoughts and ideas. I've often wished that's all my journal was – beautiful, deep thoughts. But I also feel like it's a muscle I'm exercising by writing, keeping words flowing. And right now I still need a way to work out my feelings and thoughts, even if they aren't beautiful or deep. What am I doing worrying about it? If I ever feel like giving this up or changing how I use it, I will, and I will want to! So what's to worry about? Because I did! I foolishly began to panic, thinking of this being stolen away from me. See how silly I can be? Gosh, I hope I'm making progress in catching such silliness sooner.

57

If you want to be a great leader,

You must learn to follow the Tao.

Stop trying to control.

Let go of fixed plans and concepts,

And the world will govern itself.

Well – I agree – to a point. People aren't all following the Tao, so they will still kill and steal without some control. But let's just apply this to me, as a teacher and researcher. I've been trying for a long time to make my classes more organic. To allow students to follow their noses to great ideas. The problem is, they have had their natural curiousity beaten out of them. When you give them freedom, they feel lost and afraid. So I am learning that I first have teach them how to let go of that bad training, how to try to find their own noses – their own interest and curiousity. Only then can you begin showing them a path, and then teach them how to follow it. It is just sad –it breaks my heart – to see these hundreds, who represent millions, of young people who have learned to not use their heads. They have been punished so often for so long anytime they expressed a desire for knowledge that wasn't in the lesson plan, that they have largely stopped - not just asking questions - they have stopped having any questions. So when you just let them go and say, "OK, we'll study whatever you want. What do you want to learn?" They don't know what to do. They panic.

So I guess I believe it is the teachers who are still teaching students to stifle their curiosity that need to learn this lesson in this stanza. It isn't that I don't have control issues in other areas of my life, but in my leadership, my teaching, my job right now is to teach students to be free. Teach them to stop relying on the fixed plans and concepts. Boy, I shared some of this with Jim and we had a wonderful discussion, pushing these ideas forward. So now it is 9am and I need to move on. To continue. . .

The more prohibitions you have,

The less virtuous people will be.

The more weapons you have,

The less secure people will be.

The more subsidies you have,

The less self-reliant people will be.

 

Therefore the Master says:

I let go of the law,

And people became honest.

I let go of economics,

And people became more prosperous.

I let go of religion,

And people became serene.

I let go of all desire for the common good,

And the good became as common as grass.

 

Interesting that Confucius lived about the same time, and said some of the same things, and some nearly opposite in philosophy. But for me, I think there is great wisdom here. That if you could start over with a fresh world, this would all be true. I wonder if it isn't the same with all these things – if students have to be taught to have curiousity, might it also be the case that after having been trained to live in the current system, people would also need to be trained to be honest, to be secure, serene, self-reliant, etc.? Its one thing to say people will rely on themselves if they have no subsidies, but when the entire economic structure of the world is designed to crush people at the bottom, I don't think that is a real solution. More to say, but have to go to work.

Here in May, 2008 – I am thinking a lot about the presidential campaign, of course, and I think that in fact, people have lived so long in a system of political corruption and dishonesty, vicious back-biting and backstabbing and under-the-table deals that they truly cannot recognize goodness, integrity, honesty and above-board dealing when they see it. People just don't know what to make of Obama because they keep expecting him to play by the old rules, and when he doesn't, they figure he must have an even more evil agenda up his sleeve. They have a hard time accepting that it is just simple honesty. Simple goodness, simple truth.

March 22

58

If a country is governed with tolerance,

The people are comfortable and honest.

If a country is governed with repression,

The people are depressed and crafty.

 

When the will to power is in charge,

The higher the ideals, the lower the results.

Try to make people happy,

And you lay the groundwork for misery.

Try to make people moral,

And you lay the groundwork for vice.

 

Thus the Master is content

To serve as an example

And not impose her will.

She is pointed, but does not pierce,

Straightforward, but supple.

Radiant, but easy on the eyes.

Once again, I agree in principle, but think there would need to be a transition time. My country does reasonably well with tolerance, in that we don't have too many repressive laws. However, our families and maybe schools and other areas, have become tolerant with no structure, and an "anything goes" attitude does not appear to lead to comfort and honesty. Or say in industrial and business law – we've been too tolerant of bad behavior, and people have just taken advantage. They have become extremely comfortable and extremely dishonest. I guess I'm saying it depends on what one is being tolerant of. Creativity? Diversity? Okay. Lying, cheating, exploitation, etc.? Not so much.

And same in the classroom. Tolerate behavior like talking, sleeping, leaving on phones, etc., and students will behave very badly, destroy the ambiance and make it impossible for anyone to learn. However, I have a pretty tolerant approach to absences and tardiness and my students now give me fewer dishonest excuses. And, once I'm able to get them to talk, I tolerate a wide variety of views and opinions. Their work – I've left things open and they first panicked – creativity not usually tolerated - but with time I hope they'll get comfortable with it.

The middle part is interesting and a little confusing – or rather, startling – and maybe really profound. Is it really the case that higher ideals will bring lower results? How can that be?

I can see how trying to make people happy is a recipe for misery. Witness all the parents who think making children happy is their job. Their children are miserable because they needed limits and got none, they needed adults to make decisions for them and were frightened by the responsibility of having to choose for themselves.

And I also see that efforts to rigidly control people's morality, to focus on that in school, say, by making people read the Bible and watch each other and confess their sins and have punishments like copying Bible verses, always being told they are sinning sinners – the awful Catholic schools of books and movies, encouraged people to actually become sneaky, lying, stealing, sex-having people. But these are excesses. Isn't it still right and good to have morality on the list of things you are trying to achieve? Don't we all want our people, nations, children, students to be moral?

The key, I guess, is in the first line. When the will to power is in charge. So it is okay to have the students' happiness and morality in mind as long as . . . what? I am not consumed with the desire to control them? The rules aren't written in such a way to give me power over them? Their happiness? Their morality? I'm just not sure how to interpret and apply this. Well, it's 7 am, and I'm eager to go see the students today . . .