Coming Back From A Rough Week

I've been having an eventful few days/weeks. My encounter with that horrible doc sent me into two weeks of hell, trying to wean myself off of my meds. I realized I really wanted a second opinon, especially after I searched the pain and neurology literature for some justification of his opinion and came up with very little except some pretty well-bashed articles from the 80s. So I had my primary care person refer me to the Brain, Spine and Pain center at another hospital (main competitors in town), and saw someone yesterday. I liked her. She was young, very up on the literature, and basically told me that he was full of it. In order for what he was saying to be true - neural plasticity its called - I would have to be taking narcotics in amounts many, many times higher than what I am. So he is just another moralist with an agenda, and he has caused two weeks of agony, self-blame, and lack of productivity for nothing. Thanks a lot.
In the meantime, I developed a bad toothache. Tried to ignore it, as I usually do (haven't seen a dentist in 20 years - since I had my lower wisdom teeth pulled, except in extreme emergency). Well, this turned into an extreme emergency. Saw a dentist, found out my upper left wisdom tooth had a bad cavity with the nerve affected. That was Wednesday. So yesterday, after the appointment with the pain doc, I saw the oral surgeon and had that bad boy pulled out. It went very smoothly - much more easily than the bottom ones. So I am on the mend and the future looks much brighter than it did 24 hours ago. Thanks for all your support through the dark times. Now back to 2007:

April 10 , 2007

77

As it acts in the world, the Tao

Is like the bending of a bow.

The top is bent downward;

The bottom is bent up.

It adjusts excess and defeciency

So that there is perfect balance,

It takes from what is too much

And gives to what isn't enough.

Those who try to control,

Who use force to protect their power

Go against the direction of the Tao.

They take from those who don't have

And give to those who have far too much.

The Master can keep giving

Because there is no end to her wealth.

She acts without expectation,

Succeeds without taking credit,

And doesn't think that she is better

Than anyone else.

Hmm. This is feeling pretty opaque to me. To start with, I don't know much about archery. I guess the point is about balance. Maybe no matter how you pull on a bow, it bends equally from the top and bottom. Perhaps there is no way to make a bow bend more from the top than it is bending from the bottom.

What struck me first was how different this is from the Bible verse, "To who has much, more will be given. From who has little, more will be taken away." I always hated that verse. I remember, as a child, finding the concept grossly unfair. I think, "in fairness," that the verse refers to faith and is meant as an encouragement; if you have some faith, God will increase it through grace. If you don't, he'll have nothing to work with and what little you have will drain away as you meet life's difficulties.

Still, the whole chapter makes me think, "Well, of course socialism took root here and not in the West!" And I bet I'm right. There must be something to the fact that China and those it conquered and absorbed have had up to at least 2500 years – and more like 4000 years – of thinking that it is good to distribute wealth equally. They may not have done it, but they upheld the ideal. It wasn't until Jesus (or maybe Hillel) began preaching something sort of like this – that the meek will inherit the earth, the rich won't get into heaven, so give your wealth away, etc., that Hebraism had grand levelling mechanisms like this. They upheld social justice, but that didn't mean "everyone is equal"; it meant the rich shouldn't beat the poor, or exploit them too terribly much. And of course, it was out of that the beloved individual was born. And without that concept, that individuals are beloved, even the least – China has erred on the side of throwing lives away in the name of the collective.

For living my own life I prefer to live by the idea of taking from the rich and giving to the poor. While it may be true that's stealing, what everyone has been taught to forget is that the rich are rich because they stole from the poor. They stole their work, their labor, their land, and their lives. Which this chapter says quite clearly. And then the instruction for those wishing to be Masters: This is similar to the message of Christ. What one has as Master is access to the limitless Tao. What one values, one's wealth, are peace, love, compassion, gentleness, wisdom, etc. And so one can do what is right, having no expectation about the result, because you rest in the knowledge that all flows into the Tao, that all things end how the Tao wanted them to.

So, when one succeeds, one doesn't get a big head, because it wasn't you who made things happen; you were just going with the flow of the Tao.

One isn't better; the Tao uses all of us. Translator's notes are about this, that the Master isn't better. He says, "She is simply more transparent." Which I take to mean that it is easier to see how her actions flow with the Tao, but all people's do. Their paths are just more convoluted and thus harder to see.

For me right now it just means trust more in the Tao. Allow myself to let go of desire and expectation, trusting that the Tao, the Great River, will bring all things aright. And to recall that the qualities I most want to have are not in short supply – I can give away as much love, compassion, and understanding as I can, and there will always be more.

April 11

Yesterday my books arrived from Amazon! So last night I began the one on meditation and got half way through it. It is simple and straightforward and good. I intend to put it into practice. I believe I may start today. I'm feeling so sick, I'm afraid I may not have the willpower, but I understand that I can't keep using things as excuses. The book is Meditation: A Simple Eight-Point Program for Translating Spiritual Ideals into Daily Life, by Eknath Easwaran. Notice it is eight point, not eight stage. That's why I went ahead and read the whole thing (or am going to) at once, because one has to do all the parts together. The points I've read about so far are 1) Meditation, 2) Mantram, 3) slowing down. They all seem easy and terribly difficult at the same time.

1. 
   Meditation. Meditate every day for 30 minutes. Do it in the same time and place, and make that space sacred by doing nothing else in it. Well, that's the problem, isn't it? Speaks loudly to why I've been unable to really start. I don't live by myself. I don't have a room I can commit to meditation alone. And there are some issues working things out with J. As to method, Easwaran prescribes using a scripture (from your own religion – it doesn't matter which one) or a time-honored inspirational piece like the prayer of St. Francis. Use that as the line, or the anchor. Meditation consists of repeating that piece slowly, word by world. I really like this method; it appeals to me. Other teachers sugget trying to make the mind a blank, which has never worked for me at all – it has always been a real stumbling block for me. For my undisciplined and untrained mind, those tasks (blank or focused on a single object) seem not only impossible, but like chores. Hard, unappealing, unsatisfying work.
   
   
   

   The repetition of beloved words, though, that I can do! That I like to do, and I know how to do! And as he explains, it gives you something to hang on to, a rope to cling to as you descend into the sub and unconscious, buffeted by your mind as it attempts to stop you, which I have found to be is ceaseless. That's why I like the CDs; the voice of the person, the words, are something to come back to when your mind has distracted you with all kinds of thoughts – association-chains, and even pretty lights and colors and reminders of things you forgot to do. I love having the words to come back to, to help me not follow a distraction and get lost in it. In short, I believe he offerst me a method I can actually use. It makes me excited to try, rather than dreading the whole thing.
   



2. 
   The Mantram. He advocates choosing a mantra – again from one of those time-honored choices, whose reverberations go back thousand sof years and who/that may have qualities we can't quantify that make them time-hallowed – choose one and never change it. Use different variations, perhaps, but use one and stick with it because over the years it will work on you and in you and for you in ways that seem magical. Be careful, therefore, in choosing. He offers suggestions, and I find I can't even contemplate using any Christian ones. Christianity has become a huge barrier between me and the Christ. The words and names now carry too much baggage for me. The Jewish and Muslim words, too, carry negative associations. The Buddhist suggestions don't feel right. Though they were closer, gave me glimmers. But when we got to the Hindu ones, they felt like coming home. Mysterious enough to charm, but also therefore carry no weight of battles and doubt, and thinking – they won't drag me off into endless speculation and theologizing. Yet they are powerful. I feel love when I hear the name Krishna. And also awe, the right kind of fear. With Rama, also, I have a sense of magestic power and compassion. Hare I know nothing about – did not even know it was a name of God. But it adds a rhythm and needed note with the other names.
   
   
   

   Easwaran recommends Rama. It is his own, and is very simple. I think I personally need something more complex, something that can be varied without breaking it. And so I decided to try a different one last night, making it clear it was just a trial. Do you know, it carried me right into sleep [I had been reporting trouble sleeping for weeks] and my mind awoke singing it all by itself, and it has reappeared all morning. So I believe I have found my mantra. He separates this from meditation. Meditation is something you sit down and devote 30 minutes to. One's mantra is to be said all day, every day. Use it while waiting for the bus, washing dishes, when getting angry, feeling desire for a cigarette, etc.
   



3. Slowing Down. Slowing down is what it sounds like. Refuse to hurry, to buy into the hurry culture. He offers many suggestions for how to do this, but it is time for me to turn my attention to the Tao's lesson for the day.
   

78

Nothing in the world

Is as soft and yielding as water.

Yet for dissolving the hard and inflexible,

Nothing can surpass it.

The soft overcomes the hard;

The gentle overcomes the rigid.

Everyone knows this is true,

But few can put it into practice.

Therefore the Master remains

Serene in the midst of sorrow.

Evil cannot enter her heart.

Because she has given up helping,

She is people's greatest help.

True words seem paradoxical.

This lesson goes very much together with the chapter on slowing down. It does seem paradoxical that working slowly allows one to be more efficient, get more work done. That NOT being in a rush on the freeway or in the supermarket makes everything smoother and easier. Being gentle and patient overcomes other's impatience and harshness.

While I was writing that, I had a flash of intuition, enabling me to connect the instructions in the third stanza to the first two, but now I can't articulate it. It has to do with being in control of one's own mind, not swayed or compelled by events around you. One's own single-minded gentleness can cut through sorrow and close out evil. I remember, when I was first learning Hinduism and the spiral path, and many other wise things – the real beginning of this journey – my compatriots at college thought me very wise. Part of my seeming wisdom and my appeal to them was that I had figured out not to give advice. To judge no one. To accept them, wherever they were, on whatever path, be it resentment, infatuation, fury at parents, despair – I didn't offer any advice. I did not rush in to save them or try to guide them in any particular direction. And I was always there to listen but did not get pulled into their crises. How they loved me for that! How helpful they found me to be, though I did nothing!

This is the key, though I don't know yet how it connects to water cutting through rock. Hey – here are the translator's notes about this line: "The greatest help is wholeheartedly trusting people to resolve their own problems. A true philanthropist, like a good parent, brings people to the point where they can help themselves." And about the final line regarding truths seeming paradoxical: "Only when the mind is cluttered with untruth."

So the key part, now and then, is about trusting others. They are each on their own journey. I believe every soul will make it to the goal. But on their own time, and in their own way. We each have to learn our own lessons. I can learn from those who are wiser by watching them, their example. But I don't want them coming into my life and telling me what to do. And others don't need me to do that to them. Ho can I know what anyone else needs, anyway? Are they behind me, or ahead of me? How could I possibly know? Perhaps a very advanced soul needed a lesson that required living the life of a screw-up? I can never know by looking where someone is on the ultimate path. And I can never know what someone else really needs. Maybe they need to be always late, be an alcoholic homeless person, even to commit suicide. I don't know. It isn't my business. My business is to work on getting to know me, and learning to tap into all the love and patience and light that is in me, all locked up. That's it. Nothing else.

Somehow, paradoxically, I believe it. That if I find myself, work on myself, that will be a help to the people around me and to the world. Much more so than actively trying to figure out a way to go and "save" it.

Posting some of these old pieces feels kind of strange; they aren't so long ago that they are clearly ancient history, but they are nearly two years ago. Long enough ago for a lot of things to have changed, as you'll see if you can stand to stick around, or check back in later. But I'm gonna go ahead and post. That was the plan.

April 8, 2007

74 (Tao te Ching)

If you realize that all things change,

There is nothing you will try to hold on to.

If you aren't afraid of dying,

There is nothing you can't achieve.

Wow. Here we are at another of those breath-takingly similar statements. Similar to the Buddha this time. King Solomon said something like it as well I believe. These sound like such simple instructions, and they are, but they are so profound. And so difficult to actually do.

All things change. But how often do I have to remind myself of that in a day, if I am really paying attention? People don't act the way I expect because they have changed. My favorite TV show isn't on because they've changed the schedule. Big things change – our Chancellor, Provost, and girl's basketball coach are all short- listed for more prestigious and more remunerative jobs than [my university]. So it is possible we'll lose the 2 people with the vision and will-power to have made it as innovative and successful as it is, and the coach who put us on the basketball map.

I at first felt kind of betrayed; I came to this university with the impression I'd be working under these wonderful people. How could they just up and leave? Ah, right. All things change. And some things – like my parents' marriage – are terrifically difficult to let go of. My youth and beauty, my cat, my love of reading and writing, all these things can and will go. And life – wonderful, mysterious, precious life. How can one be ready to let go of life? I am nowhere close to that.

Look – I was sitting here writing and thinking, enjoying the quiet. Then J came and turned on the TV, and it upset and annoyed me. I obviously have trouble accepting change, when there is something I'd like to hold on to. So I need to keep reminding myself that all things change. By doing that I'll hope it leads, as the verse promises, to learning not to hold onto things. Okay, the chapter continues:

Trying to control the future

Is like tring to take the master carpenter's place.

When you handle the master carpenter's tools,

Chances are that you'll cut your hands.

And, while trying to hold on to parts of the present, how much do I try to control the future? From small things, like trying to use mind control on J and keep him asleep so I can have quiet, to trying to manipulate Mom into moving in with us. And I try to decide what would be the best for J and make it happen. When obviously I have no control over any of these things. Sometimes I'm able to catch myself.

And I'm still working out the difference between creative visualization of the future – which reminds me I need to listen to the CD [from my psychologist] today, which asks me to visualize my own perfect future – and trying control the future. It's confusing. As I've said before, it feels like a paradox. On the one hand, we are to believe in our ability to create our own realities. But also not to expect anything, to have no expectations and to not try to control the future. Umm, how do we do those two things at once? I realize it is only a seeming paradox; there is a way to do both, and it is probably very simple. Oh – and don't forget – accept things as they are.

Trying to control the future, trying to manipulate things into a form we like, is dangerous. We can – we will – be hurt. So I guess what we do is just offer things up? I checked the translator's notes.

About the phrase "trying to control the future" he says: "thinking that you know what is good or bad, what is advantageous or harmful. The Huai Nan Tzu tells a story about this." The story is about a man who has various things happen to him, and each time the villagers either congratulate or console him. And each time the father says "How do you know this isn't a disaster?" or "How do you know that this isn't good fortune?"

And indeed, the seemingly good things turn out horribly, and the seemingly bad things turn out to make him rich, save his life, etc. And so we never know how events will be transformed.

It is the same in Judaism, Christianity and Islam. Phrased differently, of course, such as that God can turn disaster into a miracle, all the examples of God turning evil to good, and the reminder that all that glitters is not gold. With J's job situation, we go through this all the time; this job pays so well, but you'd be miserable. Or, usually just not knowing, and trying to guess what each thing would be like. Then we try to remind ourselves of all these truths, that J just has to apply (and to write a good letter you have to leave it in the Tao's, the Universe, the Great Mother's hands, and try not to desire, or expect, or hope, or become attached. Try not to control the future while at the same time try to be positive and visualize the best. Ah. So, with that in mind, I'm going to go lie down and visualize a wonderful future for us.

April 9

76

Men are born soft and supple;

Dead, they are stiff and hard.

Plants are born tender and pliant;

Dead, they are brittle and dry.

Thus whoever is stiff and unflexible

Is a disciple of death.

Whoever is soft and yielding

Is a disciple of life.

This lesson doesn't seem to require much parsing. Its message is clear; don't be stiff, hard and inflexible. The only notes for this one are: "disciple of life: The less rigid, the readier for life or death." What am I rigid and inflexible about? I am pretty flexible and yielding about most things. I've been socialized that way. Thinking about class/students, I'm often too yielding, and they perceive me as a pushover. There have to be some things, though.

I feel pretty hard and brittle about Dad. In some ways. But I also know that in his presence I'm too soft. I need to find a way to be firm without becoming brittle. If everywhere he finds great flexibility and yielding, how will he ever be self-disciplined? That is how we all learn not to be lumps – by having firm boundaries. For example, he needs someone to be inflexible about his sexist remarks. How else will he come to understand they are not appropriate? Until now we have all been too supple, indulgent, allowed his remarks to expand into and take up space that belonged to us. We girls and Mom and whoever else is around have been diminished by his words. We need to become rigid for a moment and not allow it.

There is a time for everything, even being hard. Just don't live your whole life that way. But where is an area in which I should be more flexible? Maybe in public? I have ideas about how people should behave in line, in the store, etc. I could let that go, be more supple. That's true about students, too. It isn't in my behavior, but it is in my thoughts that I'm rigid. My ideas of what a good student is, and how students should behave in class, write e-mails, etc. some things its okay to be firm about – being respectful of me and other students, learning to be polite and professional, that sort of thing. But aren't there still moments where I'm frustrated only because they didn't do it the way I would have done it? Or because I had an idea, an expectation, of how they would respond and they didn't – they did it differently? Yes.

I am better about these things than I was in the past. I am learning. I can see myself over the last 6 months really change. I se myself stopping and checking that an irritated or frustrated response be reasonable, and if not, changing my whole attitude. But it is something I have to stay on top of every day.

Jesus in Context – April 6, 2007

Things are moving along slowly here – it is bitter cold, but we haven't had much more accumulation. I have been spending most of my time typing up these old journals; my I used to write an awful lot every day! How did I find so much time? I suppose now I just waste that same time each morning. Anyway, this next installment is missing several pages of its beginning – I've looked all over and can't figure out what I could possible have written on. Sorry! The next journal begins with a statement that I'd already been writing for 4 hours that morning, and then I still went on and on . . . well, you'll see.

April 6, 2007

[First part missing, as I had to switch to new journal]

What context was Jesus born into? If he was one of many wise souls that for whatever reason – perhaps living many lives, perhaps never having fully parted from the Source, whatever – he was born wiser than other men. But instead of being born into a context of shamanism – where he would have believed himself able to communicate with spirits – or Hinduism – where he would have believed himself at the end of many lives full of learning, or Buddhism – where he would have believed himself less attached, or Taoism – where he would have felt himself in closer harmony with the Tao, he was born into the context of Judaism. And Judaism would have – did – provide him with a history of prophets who spoke for Yahweh, who had come to be understood as the One God, one that had a special relationship with the Jews. And he would have been taught the tradition of the Messiah, one who would come and save the people.

And so when he came to understand himself as different, when he saw answers to dilemmas so clearly, when he felt his close tie to the Source, the Infinite Absolute, he would have interpreted that through the tools given him by his culture.

The compassion he felt for others was surely the loving God he'd been taught to adore. Being a wise soul, close to the Source, he knew the same things Sidhartha, Lao-tzu, Patanjali and the other Hindus knew. He had the same vision of what people were and what they needed to do, how they needed to feel. They all say the same things because they are all right. They are just seeing it through different filters, and they are only able, or they choose, to communicate that same message in culturally appropriate ways.

To bring this rambling discussion home to where it started, the text (Tao te Ching, 72) says "Therefore the Master steps back so that people won't be confused. He teaches without a teaching so that people will have nothing to learn." So there may be many other people born close to the Source, but they lived their lives and were examples to those they met, but they never collected a following, never had their sayings recorded, because they didn't say anything. They knew not to provide the people with anything to learn.

Jesus, in addition to being born into a time that sorely needed some direction (maybe – but there were other times that were worse) was born into a tradition in which those who spoke to god
said they did. Where god's talking or connecting to someone was interpreted as a lesson. There must be a reason for such a person to exist. So Jesus would "naturally" have understood his closeness to God as a reason for him to speak to people.

I also think this fits with my image of Jesus from the gospels as someone searching for his identity. Why was he so close to God? Why did God's love pour through him and out to others so easily? When he asks "Who do you say that I am?" I believe he's trying to understand himself, not teach a lesson.

So is it a bad thing to have a teaching? Looked at objectively, I think you have to conclude "yes." Look at what's happened as a result of Jesus' teaching. So much blood shed. So much hatred spewed. So much knowledge lost. Of course Christians will say that is highly regrettable, and some will say "but Jesus words must be followed!" And of course, each are referring to a different set of words. And don't forget, there will be rewards in heaven for those who were mistreated or faithful despite their spilled blood. Does the good done in Jesus' name make up for it? I kind of doubt it, because, as Lao-tzu says, if you just leave people alone, they'll mostly be good. People would have had these generous, kind and loving impulses anyway.

To be fair, Jesus may have ralized that. He didn't write a book, after all. He didn't give people verses to memorize. Or even rules to follow! Wow. No, he left a group of people that he had taght. And in fact, he tells people that others will convert because of your example, not your words. He said he left himself in the people, as they would now love one another and be close the Source themselves.

And it seems like the apostles really tried. They did live in communes, sharing equally. Their love for one another and their peaceful co-existence drew converts. They taught without a teaching.

Who was it who decided to travel around spreading the word? The very first was probably some one else, because a lot didn't want to just live quietly; it was Good News and they wanted to share it. But there is no argument that it was Paul who did most of the spreading. He is the one who wrote letters, who made it a "teaching." And his friend then wrote more of the history. Paul, who never met Jesus. Paul, who was hungry for the Truth, but perhaps never really knew it. If this is even remotely true, it is really sad.

Another thing, though sages are supposed to be silent, some in each tradition haven't been, or we wouldn't have any of their sayings. But – I think because of the tradition within which it was interpreted, not what Jesus actually said – the teachings of Jesus have inspired more hatred and diviseviness than any other holy text. That's partly because of scale – more people have read or heard the Bible than, say the texts of Zoroaster, which I haven't read but I get the impression might inspire quite a lot of division.

But think of the Pali Canon, the Tao te Ching and the I Ching. The Ramayana, the Bhagavad Gita and the other Gitas, the Upanishads. Except for the story parts, all of these texts say "See for yourself." It is only the Semitic texts that claim they represent the ONLY truth, that you must believe them on faith alone, and that if you don't, you are utterly outcast. And only the Christian interpretation says that the punishment is for everyone and will be eternal.

The teachings of all the other close-to-the-Source people say or imply that there are other paths to the center, but this one works. How do you know it works? Because you try it. This is why I believe Jesus' words have been changed. Even when I consider his context, and the fact that he, like Buddha Gotama, may have considered himself the only one close to God/It. Even so, I think Jesus believed the others could become like him. I believe that from the words we have, reputed to be his, from the texts. If he hadn't believed in them, and in the power of his message, why would he bother trying to teach them anything?

So with a verse like, "I am the Way, the Truth and the Life . . . "I believe Jesus meant the above. By that point he was a bridge. But he wanted them to BE like him in the important ways, and he wasn't saying there were NO other ways. He might actually have said "there is no other way to the Father but by me," and meant there is no quick way, no short cuts, because he knew human nature, and knew we would want something easy.

The translator's notes [for the Tao te Ching] say: "Therefore the Master steps back"; he doesn't act as guru or Messiah, because he doesn't want to keep people dependent on him, and thus spiritually immature. When people start to treat him like a holy man, he nips their adoration in the bud and points them to their inner messiah.

Ha! I'm so smart! I'd have to check the gospels, but it seems to me that some of the things Jesus said might be interpreted that way, if you can strip away the interpretation in which they have been embedded which assume he's a Messiah.

I mean, if a different group of people, non-Jews, were told the exact same things and treated the exact same way by Jesus, would they have come up with the idea that he was a savior? Or would they have seen him as a teacher like the Buddha or one of the Hindu gurus? I had that feeling this summer when I was studying the gospels. But I felt like I was trying to reach through smoky glass. Like there is a really different Jesus in there, but I couldn't reach him to pull him out.

Oh brother. That sounds like I'm trying be, or think I am Jesus' savior. If that were true, would that be one of those sins against the Spirit? I just mean that as I read the gospels I get the feeling that almost no one around him gets what he's saying. And like the Buddha, he gets a little frustrated because they just don't listen, or listening, they just don't hear. And I wonder if that's because he was saying a lot of things completely out of their experience, and since he was killed so early in his teaching career, he never really had time to explain it to them in a way they could understand. They just had to do the best they could, filtering what he said through their own knowledge and experience, their Jewish tradition and context.

Plowing through the Pain last March 14-18

Wow, all of my family and friends have been writing such interesting and thought-provoking blogs that I feel guilty for just posting old thoughts on my own. Nevertheless, once begun, I feel I must finish, and since I stopped keeping a journal somewhere early last fall, we are nearly done. I've been catching up on everyone else's blogs, and mulling over what I want to comment on. And I ought to have some pictures to put up here soon, too. There will be some new entries on my professional blogs soon, for those who follow those, as well. Busy times! But I can't tell you all how wonderful it is to wake up in the morning and know that the day is mine! All mine! I can do with it whatever I want! Starting tomorrow, that will have to include work, but it can be whichever work I want! What luxury.

March 14, 2007

49

The Master has no mind of her own.

She works with the mind of the people.

She is good to people who are good.

She is also good to people who aren't good.

This is true goodness.

She trusts people who are trustworthy.

She also trusts people who aren't trustworthy.

This is true trust.

The Master's mind is like space.

People don't understand her.

They look to her and wait.

She treats them like her own children.

Like Jesus' teachings, and those of all wise men, much more than the golden rule – trust even those you know will lie to you. And maybe, eventually, they won't.

The first verse is a little difficult. Maybe it is like my teaching philosophy; instead of concentrating on what YOU know, and want them to know, concentrate on where THEY are and what they are thinking. Lead them to make their own discoveries.

March 15

50

The Master gives herself up

To whatever the moment brings.

She knows that she is going to die,

And she has nothing left to hold on to:

No illusions in her mind,

No resistances in her body.

She doesn't think about her actions;

They flow from the core of her being.

She holds nothing back from life;

Therefore she is ready for death,

As a man is ready for sleep

After a good day's work.

Boy, I have a lot of work to do before I'm here. Over the last two years I've gotten better. Since I began reading the Gita, I think. I began to work at it – by which I mean try to be aware and to change my behavior when I catch it – being more present in the moment, giving my whole self to whatever was happening right then.

I know I began to give my cat more attention, to stop my scurrying from one project to the next and give her what she needed. And I do things like, when Jim starts telling me something from the paper, I put my pen down and try to give him my full attention. But only once or twice per morning. I fear he would read the whole paper to me and I would have no time left to write or read, and I am still clinging to that. I don't want to give it up. I did when we were first married. In fact, I didn't keep a journal for 8 years, except when I was away from home. I wanted to give my attention to him, and share the morning with him in that way. I have tried to maintain some balance, but I have so little time any more for anything that feeds my soul – little snatches of minutes in the morning to read and write, no time ever to be alone.

The pain complicates everything. It so limits my energy that I feel I can't give up any of it when there is work to be done. And it sometimes makes it impossible to lie down or stay sitting or whatever it is. But I can do better. I can do better in every area – give myself more fully to my students, for example. Some days I do great – become utterly lost in the class and the students. But what about the times I am thinking about the next class or the next lesson or the meeting later, etc.? Especially in that first class of the day. Maybe if I was more fully present with them I would be able to figure out how to reach them better.

Of course I "know" that I am going to die. But do I really know it? I doubt it. If I did, I wouldn't take some things so seriously. The idea of having nothing left to hold on to is frightening. I'm still clinging to so many things – to Jim, my cats, my Mom and sisters, and nieces and nephews and Dad (maybe even more to my illusions about him), my books and writing and students and research and doing a good job and getting tenure and Morrowind and Pogo badges (tho I've let them go to a considerable extent), and the list could go on and on.

I understand that all religions say I have to let those things go. Of course we will all face the day when we will be forced by death to lose them. How much better if we can prepare by letting go of them ourselves? And I believe what the Buddha and all the sannyasin have found, that by letting go, by stopping our attempts to "own" things and people, we become able to appreciate them so much more. But trusting that is hard. Very difficult to just let go of people you love, and all the material things that promise protection and comfort. So, a lot of work right there in letting go of these things. But wait . . . there's more!

We are also to have let go of all the illusions in our minds and the resistances of our bodies. Where to even begin? My body had resistances even before this pain. And now? Its one big knot of resistance.

Isn't it amazing and kind of disheartening that I still – just a day later – was still talking about all of this stuff as "work"? It is so hard to change a lifetime pattern.

March 16

[I had a thoracic epidural on the 13^th, and had been waiting to see if it would help]. I'm worn out by pain and lack of sleep. Can't really think straight. Maybe I might be able to get away with lying on the couch with my novel for a bit this morning before I get back to grading? I feel trapped – caged – by pain. There is no escape now. My side hurts all the way around from breastbone to spine, and then there's the spine itself. This morning I discovered the reason for my hand's tenderness – my left hand, where the nurse hit a valve – has a large, deep bruise, the entire space of the back of my palm. Because I needed one more voice in the orchestra of pain.

51

Every being in the universe

Is an expression of the Tao.

It springs into existence,

Unconscious, perfect, free,

Takes on a physical body,

Lets circumstances complete it.

That is why every being

Spontaneously honors the Tao.

The Tao gives birth to all beings,

Nourishes them, maintains them,

Cares for them, comforts them, protects them,

Takes them back to itself,

Creating without posessing,

Acting without expecting,

Guiding without interfering.

That is why the love of the Tao

Is in the very nature of things.

What I first thought was, "How is this different from the sayings of the Upanishads?" Really it's the same idea. And the second part is very like the Judeo-Christian-Muslim God, except that Yahweh is posessive, expectant and interfering. This, next to the Tao and Brahman, makes him look young, childish. Not modeling what he demands of his creations. I'm sure faithful Christians would see it differently, have a different way of explaining it. But the ones that I know do not know the other wisdom literature for comparison. I don't even know any right now that I can talk to and ask questions of that would not be defensive no matter how I put the questions.

March 17

St. Patrick's Day. 4:30 am. I am in a ridiculous amount of pain. I have really been trying to give the epidural the benefit of the doubt. I've been trying not to complain too much, to believe that it is helping, or at least not hurting. But the pain was awful all day yesterday, and woke me every two hours all night, and at 4:15 I could no longer take it. I'm not sure if the pain in my side was made worse by the shot; it hurt so badly before. But my spine is now a burning rod of fire. So maybe that pain itself has triggered the side, or maybe it all has generalized, flowed together, or maybe the epidural actually stimulated the virus again. Who knows? I just know it is close to unbearable.

I've tried self-relaxation and self-hypnosis techniques, which do help me bear it for a little while. But only a little while, while I'm doing them. For now I feel I just have to get up when it is bad, take meds, and sleep when I can. Try not to get too stressed about the lack of sleep, because the stress will only make it worse. Just do work when the meds have provided some relief, and sleep when possible in the daytime.

53

The Great Way is easy,

Yet people prefer the side paths.

Be aware when things are out of balance,

Stay centered within the Tao.

When rich speculators prosper

While farmers lose their land;

When government officials spend money

On weapons instead of cures;

When the upper class is extravagent and irresponsible

Whle the poor people have nowhere to turn –

All of this is robbery and chaos.

It is not in keeping with the Tao.

Isn't it amazing how much alike all the great religions, all the wise people of every tradition say basically the same thing about wealth and power? Yet our country continues to tick along believing socialism is the great Evil!

This is phrased differently than the Bible. Jesus said the way to perdition is broad, and the way to truth is narrow. Buddha said something similar to Jesus. But Lao-tzu, in keeping with the Taoist belief that life is easy (or should be), says the Way is easy – implying it is broad. Instead of having to work hard to do the right thing, he's saying it's actually harder to step off the Path. You have to work at being bad. What a different, and refreshing and hopeful way of looking at things. Life is easy. It is easy to do good, easy to be one's true self. There is a lot of room for you; you do not have to duck overhanging branches and skirt briars and cling to scrubs on narrow mountain passes, which is how I've always pictured Jesus' narrow path.

At the root they are saying the same thing; more people choose to take the wrong path. But I love the idea that the right way is a broad, paved (or smooth) road, with only gentle rises and large shoulders. Plenty of room, not too demanding. The side paths look interesting to us – maybe because they are hard. But we make that trouble for ourselves. It doesn't have to be that way. And while I'm probably not ready to completely let go of the side paths, I feel like I'm on one that crosses and runs close to the broad Way, so I can step onto it easily at times, or with less effort than before. If I would follow up on my commitment to meditate, I'd probably step on and maybe even walk a little on the Way more often.

I feel gentler in my soul. Less angry and stressed and confused. More trusting that it will all work out, more accepting of the way things are, more fully present more often. I am learning some of these lessons, slowly. I feel myself changing and I really like it. I wish I could make myself meditate. I think it is a matter of getting it into my routine. Plan it. But there is the problem. When? Where? When I first wake up I'm in too much pain. I love drinking my coffee and reading and writing, and I don't want to give that up. It's good for me, too. Go to work, come home, Jim feeds me dinner, and then we just veg on the couch – maybe work a little more, til it is time to go to bed. So that is really the only time I have for meditation and/or exercise. Sometimes there are shows I want to watch; mostly I want to spend time with Jim and just relax, just chill, because I'm exhausted and often in significant pain.

The Great Way is easy! All I have to do is step on to it. To move on, I am aware that things are very unbalanced, in the world and in my life. It is appropriate that in this phase of life I put most of my time and energy into work. The lack of effort I put into friendships and relationships with family is out of balance. The ration of sweet things and vegetables is lopsides. The affection I give the cats and my husband is unbalanced. I am aware, and am trying to step back into the center.

The world is so completely unbalanced that we've near destroyed it. Considering that Lao-tzu lived 2500 years ago, and knew of the corruptio and evil then, one must wonder if the world has ever been in balance. At least since there have been humans. Human beings are the flaw in the system. We have too much brain, too much power for the world to be balanced with us in it. The closes we can get, maybe, is humans on one side of the scale, and every thing else on the other. Maybe that is our central task, to find that balance. If so, we're screwed. I think we are further away from that than ever.

March 18

Speaking of similarities, this one is close to Jesus' parable:

54

Whatever is planted in the Tao

Will not be rooted up.

Whoever embraces the Tao

Will not slip away.

Her name will be held in honour

From generation to generation.

Let the Tao be present in your life

And you will become genuine.

Let it be present in your family

And your family will flourish.

Let it be present in your country

And your country will be an example

To all countries in the world.

Let it be present in the Universe

And the universe will sing.

How do I know this is true?

By looking inside myself.

I sometimes want to share these things with Mom, but I don't in any way want her to feel like I'm trying to pull her away from Christianity, or start an argument. I just want to share them, so she can marvel too, and can know me better, my spiritual journey.

Well, back to the meaning. How do I root and center my life in the Tao? How do I let it be present in my life, my family, my country, my universe? Isn't it always present? The Tao is not a person. So praying, which would be the answer in monotheistic and polytheistic and every other system, is not useful, really.

Meditation. We always come back to the same place. Look inside yourself. Drat! What is it? Am I just lazy? No way. Look at how hard I work. I cannot tell myself that old lie any more. I am afraid of something. Maybe just change. Maybe I know it will irrevokably change me and that scares me. Okay. Need to be aware and think that through.

I’m Back! With my verdict on Taoism (for me)

Wow, it has been a really long time since I have posted! I have been more than swamped at work. End of semester and all that. This year has been challenging. Bit off more than I could chew in all sorts of ways. I'm eager to be able to blog about things that are occuring in my life now, today, but also to finish up the old journals and bring everyone up to date. So here is the next installment, and I hope I will be able to keep them coming more regularly now that summer is here at last. They say that the weather is going to reflect the fact soon, though we are still putting on coats and scarves in the mornings . . .

March 12, 2007

[We had finally seen An Inconvenient Truth the night before, so I wrote for several pages about that]. As Jim said last night, you'd think the religious right would jump on all of this as evidence of the end of the world, the End Times, as predicted in The Revelation. But because of the peculiar shape of the partisan discourse in this country, the strange bed-fellows, they can't. It is kind of ironic, actually. With all of that [the economic and environmental disasters I had just finished detailing] coming down the pike, how can we calmly believe that everything is as it should be? How do we say, "yep, I accept the world exactly as it is?" Because it isn't only the human sorrows, it is the extinction of masses of animal species, for one. No more polar bears, ever again. It is the death of many plants and insects. It is the ruination of our beautiful home.

The movie was very effective in showing this. It ended with a satellite picture of Earth, and I felt such a pang of love and sorrow. This is our home, our Garden of Eden, of such incredible beauty. Unspeakably marvelous in so many ways. How can we have treated her so badly? How can we have been so cavalier? We were given a perfect gift, and just trashed it. But Lao-tzu says we must accept things as they are. Is this what the Source wanted? I was thinking this morning about how there is a lot to be learned from all of this about evil in the world. Reviewing my understanding that you can't have heroism without fear, love without sorrow and pain, perseverance without obstacles. And I'm sure it is instructive to be inside evil people; to watch how they become that way, what motivates them, and how they feel. So if we are all One, or the One split and became all of us, then I can understand how all of this would help an entity learn about itself. But surely good will win, won't it? If the Entity knows all of the wisdom we have access to, then surely it must know the value of goodness. That even if this earth is destroyed in the process, the Source will be better for it. That's the only way I can even begin to follow the advice to accept things as they are. Or believe the world is exactly as it should be.

47

Without opening your door,

You can open your heart to the world.

Without looking out the window,

You can see the essence of the Tao.

The more you know,

The less you understand.

The Master arrives without leaving,

Sees the light without looking,

Achieves without doing a thing.

Is this apt, or what? Plus, just before I opened the Tao, I went out to smoke and in my novel read an argument about the pleasures and wonders of the world, and whether you can find them inside or outside.

I can open my heart to the world. I do. And I suppose I am seeing the essence of the Tao, although I don't always let myself, when I get caught up in the ugliness without remembering that it is part of the Tao, or when I am just so busy worrying about my little life that I don't see anything at all.

Definitely, the more I know, the less I understand. All of the new knowledge I got last night made me understand even less about human nature and about the nature of the Tao, or the Ultimate Source. As I've been writing all morning, trying to work toward understanding. And I got to a place, a resolution, I can at least live with for right now.

I do think that meditation is going to be necessary. I can't learn too much more, or gain much better of an understanding, without beginning to explore my inner self. So why am I not doing it? I've known for long time that's what I need to do. And now I even have a CD to listen to. I just have to make the commitment and do it.

March 13
Yesterday I did listen to the CD before I went to work, and it was good! I really like the woman's voice, and she's saying a lot of things I've been trying to tell myself I need to hear. The subject is empowerment, so there are a lot of "you are powerful, confident, sure" and "tenacious, persevering, you stand up for yourself, say no when it is in your best interest." But there are others about being gentle and compassionate with yourself and others, making time to do the things that replenish you. "You say yes to life." "You make room in your life for miracles, for abundance. Abundant joy, love, sex and wealth. You accept things the way they are. You let go of negative thoughts." It just repeats itself over and over, so I'll soon have it memorized. I want my soul to have it memorized, the cells in my body to have it memorized. We have a lot of work to do to replace all the old tapes. I started working on that when I was 19-20. Ten years or so to get in there in the first place. Though that isn't true. I guess some of it I was learning from infancy and all the way up to 22. And some of it, whatever I still have to get rid of, has been there for close to 38 years.

I am so much healthier than I was even ten years ago, and almost a wholly different person than I was at 21. Not completely, of course, but I had so many more negative beliefs about myself than I do now. This is great to remember. It is proof that I can change. I can learn to love myself, and thus be more able to love others. I can learn to stop treating my body as the enemy. It can even become my friend. I need to stop hurting it, and hating it. Stop repeating hateful messages to myself, and instead be loving, and gentle, and optimistic about what we can accomplish.

The body isn't stupid, but it is simple. It needs simple messages of love. And direction. I believe our bodies can take direction from our conscious as well as inner minds. But maybe only if the two are speaking in agreement, or not fighting, at least. I realize I sound like a new-age freak. But there is solid science to back me up. Our thoughts can and do change reality. Which means, doesn't it, that humans are more important than the rest of creation? Not in a dominating way, but if, because we are self-conscious beings, we can change the structure of reality, then I have trouble seeing us exactly like water and birds, insects, reptiles. Not dominant, but not just part of the landscape. That's where I have trouble with Taoism. That Lao-tzu wants people to just live simple lives, never changing anything, being just like the worker bees and ants, like other animals followng their instincts. Well, my instincts say there is more for us. Maybe that more is in our heads. That is the bridge I can make to Lao-tzu. Maybe if we were living our simple lives, we could devote our minds to learning the Tao and could usher in an entirely new mode of being.

But I think for me, Taoism provides some helpful tools, and the Tao te Ching says many incredibly wise things; wise beyond my fathoming. But at the core philosophy, I baulk. I just think that Buddhism and Hinduism are more right. And ultimately, I think Buddhism is a branch of Hinduism.

I'm still going to use the Tao te Ching because it is wise and helpful. I'm just not going to beat myself up too much when I get to a place that seems to be saying only the pastoral life is okay.

Anyway, after the CD (which I listened to for 40 minutes and go pretty deep into trance at times) – well, maybe I better write about the experience.

Part of my journey is learning about myself, about what trance is like for me. What I was seeing through much of the 40 minutes, especially at the beginning, were swirling colors. They were dark blues, purples and occassionally greens. It was like looking into a cauldron of seething gases, that pulsated and moved counter-clockwise. Yes, more like clouds than liquids. And as they were swirling – which isn't quite the right word because the movement was slow – they would billow out, and turn under, and other shades would be revealed. As I got deeper, there appeared to be something bright in the middle of all the motion. It stayed in place while things moved around it. And it was yellow, or sometimes orange. Sometimes I thought there was a thing there, under the cloud; sometimes not.

Then things changed, became less cohesive, and I don't remember what it was like. Warmer colors. I think that may have been when the phone rang, and I could hear Jim upstairs yelling at the guy from unemployment. That was pretty distracting. I kept trying to pull my mind away, but it was hard, and I don't think I ever really got back on track. I stayed up, closer to the surface. The colors were warmer, maybe that means something? Although they were darker when I first started, so I don't know. Will have to see if there is a pattern the next few times.

One other sort of cool thing was that I got somewhat diembodied. My hands seemed to be far apart. I would have sworn they were either resting on my legs, separate, or even that they were floating. But when I came up, they were clasped in my lap. I was totally surprised!

I had some trouble with pain being a distraction, though that was mostly in beginning and a little at the end, after the phone disruption. The ache was okay, it was when the pain would pulsate, or go shooting. So, when it changed. And I had trouble finding a comfortable place for my neck. I need to support it better next time.

It was pretty neat, and I'm excited to do it again today and see what happens.

48

In the pursuit of knowledge

Everyday something is added.

In the practice of the Tao

Every day something is dropped.

Less and less do you need to force things

Until finally you arrive at non-action.

When nothing is done

Nothing is left undone.

True mastery can be gained

By letting things go their own way.

It can't be gained by interfering.

I've asked for instruction in non-action, and here is a little piece. Every day something is dropped. It can't mean actual action, like doing one's job, running one's household. So it must mean other kinds of action. Like what? Like worrying about things one can't change. Like criticism or judgment, hostility, irritability. Each day one of these must be dropped. One of the things that hurts me or others. So, for instance, in the war against my face, every day I should drop one fight with an intractable hair. Drop one mean thing I say to myself. Drop one time of not being present for Jim.

Less and less do you need to force things. So does that mean that every time I feel resistance – like if I'm talking to Jim and sense he isn't really listening, I should stop? Or the hair thing. If a hair resists being pulled, stop trying. If an idea for a class won't come, walk way from it for awhile. I think this is what I means. If every day I dropped some of these things, some of these urges to push through and force things, then I begin to see how one could arrive at non-action. Because when you are moving through your day and encountering no resistance, you are part of the Tao, part of the natural and correct flow of things, and in a mystical way, you aren't doing anything! I get it.

To do this, though. . . Wow. Will it be hard. I'm used to thinking of my life as a battle, mostly with myself. That I must force myself to work, force myself to eat breakfast, force exercise, force to work harder, longer, faster, smarter. And that is totally the wrong idea. No wonder my body will not listen to me and my creativity is stuck. I am feeling a little shift. The piles of work I have right now, I want to do. I am actually eager to do them. And I think if I got out of my own way, I'd find that I actually want to do, and can do, much more. Stop thinking of it as force. Drop at least one push each day. Rephrase things to myself – "Ah, I get to wash the dishes! What a wonderful opportunity to medidate and show my love for Jim!" Wouldn't that change everything? It would. It will! Okay, so I'm off to do my wonderful, fun work.

March 11, 2007

Here is one I had typed up awhile ago and somehow neglected to post. Shame on me!

March 11
. . . I haven't gotten out a deck. Need to make sure I take a break and listen to the meditation CD. I forgot to, yesterday. I probably should report that I had terrible, panting pain again last night, and it is still hanging around. Skin burning across the whole dermatone – even near my spine.

46
When a country is in harmony with the Tao
The factories make trucks and tractors.
When a country goes counter to the Tao,
Warheads are stockpiled outside the cities.
There is no greater illusion than fear,
No greater wrong than preparing to defend yourself,
No greater misfortune than having an enemy.
Whoever can see through all fear
Will always be safe.

Well, our country is obviously out of harmony with the Tao, and always has been. It began in war and has been steeped in blood ever since. Politicians have always played on and stoked people's fears. We are now involved in probably the worse mistake we've ever made, and all because we acted out of fear. Made a "pre-emptive" strike at a lesser, assumed enemy. And this administration still hasn't learned. Bush still believes warheads will be the answer to all of our problems. We just need more of them.

Our domestic politics are all based on fear, too. The rabid conservatives are spewing their hatred for gays, Hispanics, and yes, still, feminists. All succesfull because they stimulate and encourage people's fear of the Other, fear of change. And the liberals (with more justification, I believe, since I'm on their side), are playing on people's fear, of global warming, of fossil fuels running out, of being committed to an endless war, of losing our civil rights and liberties, of state and church becoming one, of the crazy, irrational, fearful neo-cons winning the battle for hearts and minds and taking us in directions that will hurt more and more of us.

I obviously believe these fears are justified in that there are real possibilities that these things will happen if we don't stop them. But Lao-tzu is telling me not to be afraid, even if they are happening, right? Fear is an illusion. P and I talked about how I manufacture whole scenarios in my head, and then don't do something because of the fear generated by my imagination. So fear is an illusion in that way.

Is it also an illusion in that it gives you the idea of control? Like, I'm afraid that allergist doctor will disappoint me, so I just won't call him. Then he can't disappoint me. Fear gives us the idea that if we do something or we don't do something, we'll be able to protect our Selves. We'll control the damage we take. And maybe the Master is saying "Hey! Remember, you can't control what happens! The Tao is a might river, and one way or the other will do what it does. The best thing is to let go of your idea of what ought to be, what ought to happen to your heart, your Self, and let the river roll. Keep your eyes open and learn from what occurs. Keep acting out of your center - not from fear, and you'll find you were able to roll with the river and that you were able to bear the stretching of your Self."

Maybe the ocean is a better metaphor: When you are wading in the ocean, and a big wave is coming at you, the worst thing you can do is panic and brace yourself against it. If you do that, you find the sand under your feet shifts and gives way, you sink deeper, and the wave comes and knocks you down, or goes over your head in a violent churning that puts sand and water in your eyes, nose and ears, and it is very frightening. You might get tumbled with it and be underwater for too long. Instead you should turn and face the beach. When you feel the wave lifting you, you jump into it, and give yourself to it, and it carries you at the top, with your head above water, and you ride it in to the beach. Very smooth, no violence, no panic, no sand in orifices.

So when I'm afraid I'll have this pain the rest of my life, and that it will be too much to bear, I need to stop tensing all my muscles against it. Need to let go, and jump into the pain. Ride it.
Okay. I just did that. Made all my muscles relax. They keep tightening as soon as I remove my attention. What happens is that I feel that the pain is NOT actually constant. It rises and falls. And it is bearable. It is like riding a roller coaster – just let the pain go up and down. But it takes all of my attention to keep from fighting it, to just let it be. And it takes all of my energy to bear the up and down. As soon as I begin writing, the pain starts feeling like a horrible intrusion, a nagging presence. Can I learn to do this and still get work done? To train my body and brain not to fight, even when I'm not paying conscious attention?

Because I guess it is true. The fear of its being unbearable is what is bad. The actual bearing of it isn't pleasant, really, but it is possible, for at least a moment, to just let it be an experience, not label it good or bad.

It is like the work I did with Jane [a cognitive-behavioral therapist I saw for molestation/rape stuff]. As soon as I felt fear, I had to take it out and examine it, and ask myself what would be the worst thing that could happen should that fear be realized. And then she'd have me write out a plan for how I would deal with each of those possibilities. And it worked. The fear was an illusion. The worst case scenario almost never happened, but even if it did, I knew it wouldn't be the end of me. Even death might not be the end of me.

The next line is about preparing to defend yourself, how there is no greater wrong than that. MAD, our policy during the Cold War, was stupid and destructive and a waste of resources. Today we have Homeland Security, busily invading our privacy and violating our civil rights. Just this week it came out that the FBI illegally gathered information on thousands of American citizens. All of this in the name of "defending our country, our security." We've committed atrocities in the name of defense all over the planet.

It's pretty easy to see this principle at work on the big stage. What about in my personal life? Planning a course of action for what to do if one's fears are realized is not the same as preparing to defend oneself. In the former, you are assuming defenselessness and just figuring out what the next step is. I suppose you might call that a defense, but it's a different meaning than I think Lao-tzu means. He means defense as in bracing for the wave, or trying to beat the wave into submission. I was talking about making a plan for what happens after the wave has tumbled you.
My muscles bracing against the pain is an unhealthy defense. Silly too, because like our national foreign policy, it doesn't stop the pain, it just adds more pain in the form of soreness in many muscles. What else? Being defensive in a fight with Jim. Never a good idea. It is better to remain open, listen carefully – including to what he is not saying, accept criticism, calmly state my real position, not one that hops out of defensiveness, and try to see it as us, working out an issue, not "me against you." Yes, this is best. But do I do it? Not with any regularity.

I get defensive very easily with my husband. I always have – more than with anyone but my Dad. Some things about the way he is, and how he argues, have always inspired fear in me, and I've responded by being super defenseive. And now, add all my guilt for not being a good wife (pain, job and laziness) and it's even more tempting to be defensive. Which means not being calm, not being able to really listen, responding to surface meaning, saying the first thing that comes into my head instead of sifting for the Truth of how I feel. And sometimes it means going on the offensive and saying mean things that I don't actually mean.

I've gotten better about all of this since I stopped drinking. I don't say many mean things anymore, though I may speak a truth in an ungentle, suboptimal way. But I still need a lot of work. I think Jim does, too, but that isn't my business! Just stop right there! Girl, you need only worry about yourself!

Are there other ways I prepare defenses against fear? Oh yeah, a whole bunch just flooded my mind. My fear that people won't like me gets me behaving in all kinds of ugly, stupid ways. My fear that I won't succeed likewise gets me building defenses, when I ought to be putting that energy into doing the things that will help me succeed. I have been preparing a defense against my Dad which has hurt both of us.

I really dislike the defensive behavior I adopt with students and with my colleagues. I'm so afraid people won't like me sometimes that I become not-myself, and increase the chances that they won't. I'm not quite sure what I do. I cover my face, I don't make as much eye-contact, I get more focused on myself and forget to attend to the other person. So I appear less caring and interested than I really am. I make derogatory jokes about myself – too self-depracating. And I close up my body, make it less inviting. All of this and more, in an attempt to defend myself against being hurt when people don't like me. So the best thing to do is really examine that fear, like I did with Jane. What is the worst that can happen?

With students, the worst that can happen is that I'll get terrible evaluations and be miserable in class every day. Okay. So being miserable in class. If they really all disliked me, then the answer would be to a) make the material so interesting and be so focused on that material [not me and not them]that the class would still be interesting for both of us. Also, if I was completely myself and they all disliked me, I could try to find out why, and consider changing.

But the truth is that both my students and my colleagues mostly do like the real me. And they are patiently waiting for me to be the real me all the time. So this is an almost totally ungrounded fear. I need to let it go. How? Just to remember that's what I'm doing, take a breath, and remind myself that what I'm interested in is the person who's talking to me. Or the subject, and whether the students are getting it. Be empty, and yet fully present.

Worst, worst thing is that I wouldn't get tenure. But for the reasons above, that is super unlikely. What if it happened? I'd go on. Look for another job. Re-think my life. I have no idea what all the other conditins would be. But I know me, and I know I'd find a way to keep going.

So, that was an amazingly productive piece of the Tao te Ching! It's 10:30 and I've been writing for 3 hours when I expected I'd have nothing to say.

Spring Breakthroughs . . . of Last Year – March 6-10, 2007

I owe everyone e-mails and comments on their blogs and all sorts of other things. But instead I'm just going to post. I've been able to type a few sentences a night, and this is what I've got, so here it is, and I'll be in touch with everyone else soon.

March 6

41

When a superior man hears of the Tao,

He immediately begins to embody it.

When an average man hears of the Tao,

He half believes it, half doubts it.

When a foolish man hears of the Tao,

He laughs out loud.

If he didn't laugh,

It wouldn't be the Tao.

Well, I'm not completely foolish, but neither am I superior. I hate being average, but that is part of the Tao's message to me, to be content being average, "rough and common as a stone." I try to immediately embody the Tao, but maybe because of my lingering doubt, I'm unable to do so completely. Yesterday's message hit on the part I'm most doubtful about – that the world is exactly as it should be, that humans should be like sheep. Will keep working on that.

Thus it is said:

The path into the light seems dark,

The path forward seems to go back,

The direct path seems long,

True power seems weak,

True purity seems tarnished,

True steadfastness seems changeable,

True clarity seems obscure,

The greatest art seems unsophisticated,

The greates love seems indifferent,

The greatest wisdom seems childish.

The Tao is nowhere to be found.

Yet it nourishes and completes all things.

Maybe my biggest problem is a lack of trust. I cannot let go of my rationality, even when I know it is limited. I can't just let go and trust – either the Buddha or Jesus or the writers of the Upanishads and Gita or Lao-Tzu. I recognize their wisdom. I see that the path they prescribe worked for them. And yet I am unwilling to commit myself to one path and let go. Let go of doubt and shame and cynicism and distrust, and logic. Part of that unwillingness is fear of being wrong. Some fear of being betrayed.

I feel betrayed, still, by Christianity. I gave it my whole heart, several times. And it isn't so much that people disappointed me; one expects humans to be human. It is that the Christian texts themselves confuse and anger and bewilder and bedevil me. They don't make sense. And I don't mean that when you compare them to outside measures they fall short, like that they don't meet a scientific test. No, I mean the texts are internally inconsistent. And I have really tried to allow faith and love to overcome those inconsistencies and off-putting statements, but I am finally at a place where I just cannot believe that the texts are right. There has been too much human interference. I do not get the Jesus of the texts.

So maybe I'm afraid I'll get burnt again, made to feel like a fool for believing, if I let go and commit myself to another tenet.

March 7

I wanted to say something about where I had to end yesterday.

All of the teachings of the East seem more right to me than the teachings of the West. They also seem more approachable, and more testable (by me, I mean – not laboratory tests or logical proofs), so one doesn't have to take a giant leap of faith just to get started. And indeed, I have started down the road they lay out. Maybe more than just started. What keeps holding me back from commitment . . . or rather, what keeps being a sticking place, is the cyclical nature of time. I can't believe, as I've said ad naseum, that we go through all of this just to do it again exactly the same way. I know, I know, the arrogance of me telling the Universe wht it ought to be about.

But it seems to me that it is basic human nature to build toward something, to seek improvement. And yes, I teach students all the time to question whether that is just Western bias; we believe in "progress," and so it must be human nature. I know it is pure bias if you mean people are driven to build a better shampoo or to change their agricultural techniques, even, to increase production. People in rural agricultural societies, and pastoralists, etc., are not driven by a desire for material improvement. Their energy goes much more into maintaining the status quo. So perhaps that is human nature. In terms of the East – rural China and India still have religions and philosophies that offer hope of improvement in some areas, right? Self-improvement, at least? Indian philosphy may not promote economic or political or cultural change, but it definitely promotes the idea that people should spend all of their energy on improving themselves.

There has to be something to work for. Doesn't there? It is when I run into phrases that seem to suggest that no, there is nothing to work toward, nothing to change, all is exactly as it should be – or that the ideal state would be an unchanging one in which people lived just to live – it just seems like it can't be right.

But maybe this is all a big misunderstanding on my part. Maybe it's like yesterday's message – that the right path may seem wrong at first. Perhaps these messages of complacency are the darkness at the start of the path into light. Maybe this is where my path forward appears to go back?

I think it is worth operating on that assumption. Keep following the path to see where it takes me. Because I've already learned that some of the other things on the list are true.

True power, like that of my Mom, seems weak. She looks frail, yet look at what she has withstood! The greatest love seems indifferent. I myself, through loving my friends, seemed indifferent the more I learned to love them enough to not try to control them. To let them make their own mistakes and discoveries and simply love them through it. I know they sometimes saw that as indifference.

Many times I've seen the greatest wisdom seem childish, and true purity tarnished. In anthropological theory, it seems often the case that the greatest clarity looks obscure. So, maybe I need to trust that these wise people are wise, and that I need to move further along the path in trust, in suspended disbelief, and see if the meaning doesn't change for me.

So now I'm ready for today's lesson and it is already 8 am!

42

The Tao gives birth to One.

One gives birth to Two.

Two gives birth to three.

Three gives birth to all things.

All things have their back to the female

And stand facing the male.

When male and female combine,

All things achieve harmony.

Ordinary men hate solitude.

But the Master makes use of it,

Embracing her aloneness, realizing

She is One with the whole universe.

At first I thought this one was going to be too mystical to be relevant to me right now. But then I remembered to interpret male and female as yin and yang. Then a whole world of meaning opened up, and maybe is directly relevant to the previous discussion. Recall that in Chinese symbolism, male=power, aggression, change, progress, violence, rationality. Female=power (quiet, hidden power), passivity, receptivity, stillness, sameness, peace and positive emotions.

So, if this starts in the beginning – the Tao is beyond duality, but go further – the Tao is even beyond "oneness" Whoa, dude! When the Tao gives birth to One, and One to Two, then out of duality springs an abundance of diversity. But keep in mind it is all really One. This in turn is part of the Tao.

But when "born" into this unvierse, all things are facing the male – change, linearity, action, aggression. All the stuff I'm worried about. Maybe we focus on that, because it is what is before us. The important point for me is that it isn't either/or. Yes, all of that stuff I crave is in front of me – progress! Behind me, though, supporting me, is the female – the calm stillness, etc. Important because they are both needed. Don't forget that the female is there, since I can't see it. That may be the message for me.

Further, one doesn't have to choose between them – it is when they come together that I, and the world, are in harmony.

I'm not sure I'm saying all of this right, but I get it! It's a breakthrough moment. And then the reminder at the end that all us little "ones," all the diverse beings don't need to scramble around trying to "connect" with one another. Just sit back and remember we are One. Already. No effort needed.

I think this was really helpful today. I feel like I'll be able to move ahead more smoothly.

March 8

I'm all for "early to bed, early to rise," but this three hours a night is getting ridiculous.

43

The gentlest thing in the world

Overcomes the hardest thing in the world.

That which has no substance

Enters where there is no space.

This shows the value of non-action.

Teaching without words,

Performing without actions;

That is the Master's way.

Some of this I get – wind and water overcome rock. Hmm, maybe my newish insight that I need to be gentle and nice to my body, that it will be more effective than force and meanness also fits here. I'm not sure about the next part. That which has no substance – the Tao? Wisdom? Love? Enters where there is no space. No space created for it? No space between things you've tightly organized? Or like this – love, Tao, etc., enters even through a defensive wall that has no cracks? It succeeds where arrows or battering rams would fail. That at least makes sense. But I keep seeing the epidural space, which I have no time to explain. [the epidural space is the space in the spine which the doctor/anesthesiologist has to "feel" for when giving one an epidural. They punch through the skin with the long needle and kind of poke around inbetween the vertebrae, and as my doc explained it, one just develops a sense of when one has hit it by the absence of pressure, a sort of "give."]

All references to teaching interest me. How can I better my teaching through non-action? Allow time for students to think? Don't fill every moment? Those are true, but maybe I can get to a deeper meaning by thinking on it all day, behind the other work.

March 9

44

Fame or integrity; which is more important?

Money or happiness; which is more valuable?

Success or failure; which is more destructive?

If you look to others for fulfillment,

You will never be truly fulfilled.

If your happiness depends on money,

You will never be happy with yourself.

Be content with what you have;

Rejoice in the way things are.

When you realize there is nothing lacking,

The whole world belongs to you.

A good reminder of all the stuff I've been working on. Rejoicing in the way things are! I am really trying to. Maybe I need to say it more often. Inside, I believe it occassionally. The two hardest things to rejoice about are my pain and Jim's unemployment. It is really hard to tell myself that there is nothing lacking when Jim so desperately feels the void. Is this the work we need to do? Accept it at least as temporary? And my pain, I'm getting cloer to stopping hoping for a cure.

March 10

[Long evaluation of pain level and whether certain treatments had worked, getting ready for upcoming epidural and relating discussion with husband about mental control of emotional and physical states].

I believe we can be in that much control. We have to learn how. That is part of what I'm working so hard on. How do I control my response? I can't change the fact of the pain, but I'm trying hard to learn to control how I feel about it. This brings me back to my day. I met with P (my pain psychologist). We eventually got to talking about self-hypnosis and she gave me a CD to get me started, since I can't afford the ones she recommended. Her voice was out of whack, so she couldn't lead me in one, either. But we talked more about how I should do it.

I told her part of what was holding me back was my fear – fear of not doing it right. I'm afraid I won't follow the directions, afraid I won't really let go of my awake mind, afraid that I won't know if I'm in trance or not, afraid I'll either convince myself I am when I'm not, or vice vera, and either way will miss my chance. She put me at ease. Gave me very specific instructions to follow that included what to say to myself, and made it clear that it is going to take practice. It won't happen right away, probably. But once I learn the basic technique of entering trance, then I'll be able to do more complicated things.

One really great thing she said was, "You can't be worried about performance issues. How can you do this wrong? You don't even know what right is, for you. We are all different. Some have a sensation of going up. Others down. Some get heavy, some get light. Some are silent, others speak. Some are still, others move around. Some feel sure they never reached a trance state; until they come back up, and realize it is a long journey back. You are on a journey of exploration," she said. "Go on and enjoy it, go find out who you are. There is a whole other part of you to get to know. Just trust yourself and go."

That was so freeing! To be given permission to just explore – it doesn't have to be a certain way. It isn't something one has to do "just so." And I think that I have been held back from meditation because of this, because I was afraid of not doing it "right." That is why I wanted a yogi, a teacher. So this is another thing I'm excited about. Two things – using the CD and doing it by myself. There will be issue of making time and finding a quiet space, but I think Jim will work with me.

45

True perfection seems imperfect

Yet it is perfectly itself.

True fullness seems empty,

Yet it is fully present.

True straightness seems crooked,

True wisdome seems foolish.

True art seems artless.

The Master allows things to happen.

She shapes events as they come.

She steps out of the way,

And lets the Tao speak for itself.

Things are not as they seem. Perhaps my attempts to go into trance, that seemed very disorganzied and undisciplined, were exactly, perfectly, what they were supposed to be. When I interview people, I can get into that zone, that place of being fully present to the person I'm interviewing, and utterly empty of myself. Sometimes the wisest thing one can do is walk in the rain with no umbrella, dive headfirst into a problem without looking – all which may seem foolish. Remember this! Remember it when criticizing Jim, or when confronted with a difficult-to-understand student. Things and people are not what they seem.

I've understood (if not always remembered) to let things happen, to accept the world as it unfolds. But how does one "allow" in that way while simultaneously "shaping events as they come"? Another paradox. Could it be like when you decide not to react, you shape the way an argument goes?

P told me yesterday she uses Tarot cards as a meditation tool. One day she pulled the ten of spades, which is the one where a man is lying face down with spears penetrating his whole body. And she thought, "Yes! This is exactly how work, the office, makes me feel!" We were talking about choice. Because if she used the deck as a fortune-telling tool, a prediction, she could say "Yep, this is how my day is going to go." And go into the office with that attitude, and of course that is the way the day would go. But what she did was use the Tarot to help her see her choices. And when she got to the office door, she realized she could choose not to be pierced with spears. And she decided to be nice to everyone, stay out of the cliques, go into her office, do her work, stay out of the conflicts, and lo and behold, her experiences at work got much better.

So is this the kind of shaping he means? And this story also illustrates the getting out of the way to let the Tao reveal itself. It hink I get it. Now to do it. Now I really want to go get one of my decks and use it the same way. If not every day, occasionally. Oh dear, another way to put off work. Tell you what – I'll use it as a reward.