I’m Back! With my verdict on Taoism (for me)

Wow, it has been a really long time since I have posted! I have been more than swamped at work. End of semester and all that. This year has been challenging. Bit off more than I could chew in all sorts of ways. I'm eager to be able to blog about things that are occuring in my life now, today, but also to finish up the old journals and bring everyone up to date. So here is the next installment, and I hope I will be able to keep them coming more regularly now that summer is here at last. They say that the weather is going to reflect the fact soon, though we are still putting on coats and scarves in the mornings . . .

March 12, 2007

[We had finally seen An Inconvenient Truth the night before, so I wrote for several pages about that]. As Jim said last night, you'd think the religious right would jump on all of this as evidence of the end of the world, the End Times, as predicted in The Revelation. But because of the peculiar shape of the partisan discourse in this country, the strange bed-fellows, they can't. It is kind of ironic, actually. With all of that [the economic and environmental disasters I had just finished detailing] coming down the pike, how can we calmly believe that everything is as it should be? How do we say, "yep, I accept the world exactly as it is?" Because it isn't only the human sorrows, it is the extinction of masses of animal species, for one. No more polar bears, ever again. It is the death of many plants and insects. It is the ruination of our beautiful home.

The movie was very effective in showing this. It ended with a satellite picture of Earth, and I felt such a pang of love and sorrow. This is our home, our Garden of Eden, of such incredible beauty. Unspeakably marvelous in so many ways. How can we have treated her so badly? How can we have been so cavalier? We were given a perfect gift, and just trashed it. But Lao-tzu says we must accept things as they are. Is this what the Source wanted? I was thinking this morning about how there is a lot to be learned from all of this about evil in the world. Reviewing my understanding that you can't have heroism without fear, love without sorrow and pain, perseverance without obstacles. And I'm sure it is instructive to be inside evil people; to watch how they become that way, what motivates them, and how they feel. So if we are all One, or the One split and became all of us, then I can understand how all of this would help an entity learn about itself. But surely good will win, won't it? If the Entity knows all of the wisdom we have access to, then surely it must know the value of goodness. That even if this earth is destroyed in the process, the Source will be better for it. That's the only way I can even begin to follow the advice to accept things as they are. Or believe the world is exactly as it should be.

47

Without opening your door,

You can open your heart to the world.

Without looking out the window,

You can see the essence of the Tao.

The more you know,

The less you understand.

The Master arrives without leaving,

Sees the light without looking,

Achieves without doing a thing.

Is this apt, or what? Plus, just before I opened the Tao, I went out to smoke and in my novel read an argument about the pleasures and wonders of the world, and whether you can find them inside or outside.

I can open my heart to the world. I do. And I suppose I am seeing the essence of the Tao, although I don't always let myself, when I get caught up in the ugliness without remembering that it is part of the Tao, or when I am just so busy worrying about my little life that I don't see anything at all.

Definitely, the more I know, the less I understand. All of the new knowledge I got last night made me understand even less about human nature and about the nature of the Tao, or the Ultimate Source. As I've been writing all morning, trying to work toward understanding. And I got to a place, a resolution, I can at least live with for right now.

I do think that meditation is going to be necessary. I can't learn too much more, or gain much better of an understanding, without beginning to explore my inner self. So why am I not doing it? I've known for long time that's what I need to do. And now I even have a CD to listen to. I just have to make the commitment and do it.

March 13
Yesterday I did listen to the CD before I went to work, and it was good! I really like the woman's voice, and she's saying a lot of things I've been trying to tell myself I need to hear. The subject is empowerment, so there are a lot of "you are powerful, confident, sure" and "tenacious, persevering, you stand up for yourself, say no when it is in your best interest." But there are others about being gentle and compassionate with yourself and others, making time to do the things that replenish you. "You say yes to life." "You make room in your life for miracles, for abundance. Abundant joy, love, sex and wealth. You accept things the way they are. You let go of negative thoughts." It just repeats itself over and over, so I'll soon have it memorized. I want my soul to have it memorized, the cells in my body to have it memorized. We have a lot of work to do to replace all the old tapes. I started working on that when I was 19-20. Ten years or so to get in there in the first place. Though that isn't true. I guess some of it I was learning from infancy and all the way up to 22. And some of it, whatever I still have to get rid of, has been there for close to 38 years.

I am so much healthier than I was even ten years ago, and almost a wholly different person than I was at 21. Not completely, of course, but I had so many more negative beliefs about myself than I do now. This is great to remember. It is proof that I can change. I can learn to love myself, and thus be more able to love others. I can learn to stop treating my body as the enemy. It can even become my friend. I need to stop hurting it, and hating it. Stop repeating hateful messages to myself, and instead be loving, and gentle, and optimistic about what we can accomplish.

The body isn't stupid, but it is simple. It needs simple messages of love. And direction. I believe our bodies can take direction from our conscious as well as inner minds. But maybe only if the two are speaking in agreement, or not fighting, at least. I realize I sound like a new-age freak. But there is solid science to back me up. Our thoughts can and do change reality. Which means, doesn't it, that humans are more important than the rest of creation? Not in a dominating way, but if, because we are self-conscious beings, we can change the structure of reality, then I have trouble seeing us exactly like water and birds, insects, reptiles. Not dominant, but not just part of the landscape. That's where I have trouble with Taoism. That Lao-tzu wants people to just live simple lives, never changing anything, being just like the worker bees and ants, like other animals followng their instincts. Well, my instincts say there is more for us. Maybe that more is in our heads. That is the bridge I can make to Lao-tzu. Maybe if we were living our simple lives, we could devote our minds to learning the Tao and could usher in an entirely new mode of being.

But I think for me, Taoism provides some helpful tools, and the Tao te Ching says many incredibly wise things; wise beyond my fathoming. But at the core philosophy, I baulk. I just think that Buddhism and Hinduism are more right. And ultimately, I think Buddhism is a branch of Hinduism.

I'm still going to use the Tao te Ching because it is wise and helpful. I'm just not going to beat myself up too much when I get to a place that seems to be saying only the pastoral life is okay.

Anyway, after the CD (which I listened to for 40 minutes and go pretty deep into trance at times) – well, maybe I better write about the experience.

Part of my journey is learning about myself, about what trance is like for me. What I was seeing through much of the 40 minutes, especially at the beginning, were swirling colors. They were dark blues, purples and occassionally greens. It was like looking into a cauldron of seething gases, that pulsated and moved counter-clockwise. Yes, more like clouds than liquids. And as they were swirling – which isn't quite the right word because the movement was slow – they would billow out, and turn under, and other shades would be revealed. As I got deeper, there appeared to be something bright in the middle of all the motion. It stayed in place while things moved around it. And it was yellow, or sometimes orange. Sometimes I thought there was a thing there, under the cloud; sometimes not.

Then things changed, became less cohesive, and I don't remember what it was like. Warmer colors. I think that may have been when the phone rang, and I could hear Jim upstairs yelling at the guy from unemployment. That was pretty distracting. I kept trying to pull my mind away, but it was hard, and I don't think I ever really got back on track. I stayed up, closer to the surface. The colors were warmer, maybe that means something? Although they were darker when I first started, so I don't know. Will have to see if there is a pattern the next few times.

One other sort of cool thing was that I got somewhat diembodied. My hands seemed to be far apart. I would have sworn they were either resting on my legs, separate, or even that they were floating. But when I came up, they were clasped in my lap. I was totally surprised!

I had some trouble with pain being a distraction, though that was mostly in beginning and a little at the end, after the phone disruption. The ache was okay, it was when the pain would pulsate, or go shooting. So, when it changed. And I had trouble finding a comfortable place for my neck. I need to support it better next time.

It was pretty neat, and I'm excited to do it again today and see what happens.

48

In the pursuit of knowledge

Everyday something is added.

In the practice of the Tao

Every day something is dropped.

Less and less do you need to force things

Until finally you arrive at non-action.

When nothing is done

Nothing is left undone.

True mastery can be gained

By letting things go their own way.

It can't be gained by interfering.

I've asked for instruction in non-action, and here is a little piece. Every day something is dropped. It can't mean actual action, like doing one's job, running one's household. So it must mean other kinds of action. Like what? Like worrying about things one can't change. Like criticism or judgment, hostility, irritability. Each day one of these must be dropped. One of the things that hurts me or others. So, for instance, in the war against my face, every day I should drop one fight with an intractable hair. Drop one mean thing I say to myself. Drop one time of not being present for Jim.

Less and less do you need to force things. So does that mean that every time I feel resistance – like if I'm talking to Jim and sense he isn't really listening, I should stop? Or the hair thing. If a hair resists being pulled, stop trying. If an idea for a class won't come, walk way from it for awhile. I think this is what I means. If every day I dropped some of these things, some of these urges to push through and force things, then I begin to see how one could arrive at non-action. Because when you are moving through your day and encountering no resistance, you are part of the Tao, part of the natural and correct flow of things, and in a mystical way, you aren't doing anything! I get it.

To do this, though. . . Wow. Will it be hard. I'm used to thinking of my life as a battle, mostly with myself. That I must force myself to work, force myself to eat breakfast, force exercise, force to work harder, longer, faster, smarter. And that is totally the wrong idea. No wonder my body will not listen to me and my creativity is stuck. I am feeling a little shift. The piles of work I have right now, I want to do. I am actually eager to do them. And I think if I got out of my own way, I'd find that I actually want to do, and can do, much more. Stop thinking of it as force. Drop at least one push each day. Rephrase things to myself – "Ah, I get to wash the dishes! What a wonderful opportunity to medidate and show my love for Jim!" Wouldn't that change everything? It would. It will! Okay, so I'm off to do my wonderful, fun work.

March 11, 2007

Here is one I had typed up awhile ago and somehow neglected to post. Shame on me!

March 11
. . . I haven't gotten out a deck. Need to make sure I take a break and listen to the meditation CD. I forgot to, yesterday. I probably should report that I had terrible, panting pain again last night, and it is still hanging around. Skin burning across the whole dermatone – even near my spine.

46
When a country is in harmony with the Tao
The factories make trucks and tractors.
When a country goes counter to the Tao,
Warheads are stockpiled outside the cities.
There is no greater illusion than fear,
No greater wrong than preparing to defend yourself,
No greater misfortune than having an enemy.
Whoever can see through all fear
Will always be safe.

Well, our country is obviously out of harmony with the Tao, and always has been. It began in war and has been steeped in blood ever since. Politicians have always played on and stoked people's fears. We are now involved in probably the worse mistake we've ever made, and all because we acted out of fear. Made a "pre-emptive" strike at a lesser, assumed enemy. And this administration still hasn't learned. Bush still believes warheads will be the answer to all of our problems. We just need more of them.

Our domestic politics are all based on fear, too. The rabid conservatives are spewing their hatred for gays, Hispanics, and yes, still, feminists. All succesfull because they stimulate and encourage people's fear of the Other, fear of change. And the liberals (with more justification, I believe, since I'm on their side), are playing on people's fear, of global warming, of fossil fuels running out, of being committed to an endless war, of losing our civil rights and liberties, of state and church becoming one, of the crazy, irrational, fearful neo-cons winning the battle for hearts and minds and taking us in directions that will hurt more and more of us.

I obviously believe these fears are justified in that there are real possibilities that these things will happen if we don't stop them. But Lao-tzu is telling me not to be afraid, even if they are happening, right? Fear is an illusion. P and I talked about how I manufacture whole scenarios in my head, and then don't do something because of the fear generated by my imagination. So fear is an illusion in that way.

Is it also an illusion in that it gives you the idea of control? Like, I'm afraid that allergist doctor will disappoint me, so I just won't call him. Then he can't disappoint me. Fear gives us the idea that if we do something or we don't do something, we'll be able to protect our Selves. We'll control the damage we take. And maybe the Master is saying "Hey! Remember, you can't control what happens! The Tao is a might river, and one way or the other will do what it does. The best thing is to let go of your idea of what ought to be, what ought to happen to your heart, your Self, and let the river roll. Keep your eyes open and learn from what occurs. Keep acting out of your center - not from fear, and you'll find you were able to roll with the river and that you were able to bear the stretching of your Self."

Maybe the ocean is a better metaphor: When you are wading in the ocean, and a big wave is coming at you, the worst thing you can do is panic and brace yourself against it. If you do that, you find the sand under your feet shifts and gives way, you sink deeper, and the wave comes and knocks you down, or goes over your head in a violent churning that puts sand and water in your eyes, nose and ears, and it is very frightening. You might get tumbled with it and be underwater for too long. Instead you should turn and face the beach. When you feel the wave lifting you, you jump into it, and give yourself to it, and it carries you at the top, with your head above water, and you ride it in to the beach. Very smooth, no violence, no panic, no sand in orifices.

So when I'm afraid I'll have this pain the rest of my life, and that it will be too much to bear, I need to stop tensing all my muscles against it. Need to let go, and jump into the pain. Ride it.
Okay. I just did that. Made all my muscles relax. They keep tightening as soon as I remove my attention. What happens is that I feel that the pain is NOT actually constant. It rises and falls. And it is bearable. It is like riding a roller coaster – just let the pain go up and down. But it takes all of my attention to keep from fighting it, to just let it be. And it takes all of my energy to bear the up and down. As soon as I begin writing, the pain starts feeling like a horrible intrusion, a nagging presence. Can I learn to do this and still get work done? To train my body and brain not to fight, even when I'm not paying conscious attention?

Because I guess it is true. The fear of its being unbearable is what is bad. The actual bearing of it isn't pleasant, really, but it is possible, for at least a moment, to just let it be an experience, not label it good or bad.

It is like the work I did with Jane [a cognitive-behavioral therapist I saw for molestation/rape stuff]. As soon as I felt fear, I had to take it out and examine it, and ask myself what would be the worst thing that could happen should that fear be realized. And then she'd have me write out a plan for how I would deal with each of those possibilities. And it worked. The fear was an illusion. The worst case scenario almost never happened, but even if it did, I knew it wouldn't be the end of me. Even death might not be the end of me.

The next line is about preparing to defend yourself, how there is no greater wrong than that. MAD, our policy during the Cold War, was stupid and destructive and a waste of resources. Today we have Homeland Security, busily invading our privacy and violating our civil rights. Just this week it came out that the FBI illegally gathered information on thousands of American citizens. All of this in the name of "defending our country, our security." We've committed atrocities in the name of defense all over the planet.

It's pretty easy to see this principle at work on the big stage. What about in my personal life? Planning a course of action for what to do if one's fears are realized is not the same as preparing to defend oneself. In the former, you are assuming defenselessness and just figuring out what the next step is. I suppose you might call that a defense, but it's a different meaning than I think Lao-tzu means. He means defense as in bracing for the wave, or trying to beat the wave into submission. I was talking about making a plan for what happens after the wave has tumbled you.
My muscles bracing against the pain is an unhealthy defense. Silly too, because like our national foreign policy, it doesn't stop the pain, it just adds more pain in the form of soreness in many muscles. What else? Being defensive in a fight with Jim. Never a good idea. It is better to remain open, listen carefully – including to what he is not saying, accept criticism, calmly state my real position, not one that hops out of defensiveness, and try to see it as us, working out an issue, not "me against you." Yes, this is best. But do I do it? Not with any regularity.

I get defensive very easily with my husband. I always have – more than with anyone but my Dad. Some things about the way he is, and how he argues, have always inspired fear in me, and I've responded by being super defenseive. And now, add all my guilt for not being a good wife (pain, job and laziness) and it's even more tempting to be defensive. Which means not being calm, not being able to really listen, responding to surface meaning, saying the first thing that comes into my head instead of sifting for the Truth of how I feel. And sometimes it means going on the offensive and saying mean things that I don't actually mean.

I've gotten better about all of this since I stopped drinking. I don't say many mean things anymore, though I may speak a truth in an ungentle, suboptimal way. But I still need a lot of work. I think Jim does, too, but that isn't my business! Just stop right there! Girl, you need only worry about yourself!

Are there other ways I prepare defenses against fear? Oh yeah, a whole bunch just flooded my mind. My fear that people won't like me gets me behaving in all kinds of ugly, stupid ways. My fear that I won't succeed likewise gets me building defenses, when I ought to be putting that energy into doing the things that will help me succeed. I have been preparing a defense against my Dad which has hurt both of us.

I really dislike the defensive behavior I adopt with students and with my colleagues. I'm so afraid people won't like me sometimes that I become not-myself, and increase the chances that they won't. I'm not quite sure what I do. I cover my face, I don't make as much eye-contact, I get more focused on myself and forget to attend to the other person. So I appear less caring and interested than I really am. I make derogatory jokes about myself – too self-depracating. And I close up my body, make it less inviting. All of this and more, in an attempt to defend myself against being hurt when people don't like me. So the best thing to do is really examine that fear, like I did with Jane. What is the worst that can happen?

With students, the worst that can happen is that I'll get terrible evaluations and be miserable in class every day. Okay. So being miserable in class. If they really all disliked me, then the answer would be to a) make the material so interesting and be so focused on that material [not me and not them]that the class would still be interesting for both of us. Also, if I was completely myself and they all disliked me, I could try to find out why, and consider changing.

But the truth is that both my students and my colleagues mostly do like the real me. And they are patiently waiting for me to be the real me all the time. So this is an almost totally ungrounded fear. I need to let it go. How? Just to remember that's what I'm doing, take a breath, and remind myself that what I'm interested in is the person who's talking to me. Or the subject, and whether the students are getting it. Be empty, and yet fully present.

Worst, worst thing is that I wouldn't get tenure. But for the reasons above, that is super unlikely. What if it happened? I'd go on. Look for another job. Re-think my life. I have no idea what all the other conditins would be. But I know me, and I know I'd find a way to keep going.

So, that was an amazingly productive piece of the Tao te Ching! It's 10:30 and I've been writing for 3 hours when I expected I'd have nothing to say.