I owe everyone e-mails and comments on their blogs and all sorts of other things. But instead I'm just going to post. I've been able to type a few sentences a night, and this is what I've got, so here it is, and I'll be in touch with everyone else soon.
March 6
41
When a superior man hears of the Tao,
He immediately begins to embody it.
When an average man hears of the Tao,
He half believes it, half doubts it.
When a foolish man hears of the Tao,
He laughs out loud.
If he didn't laugh,
It wouldn't be the Tao.
Well, I'm not completely foolish, but neither am I superior. I hate being average, but that is part of the Tao's message to me, to be content being average, "rough and common as a stone." I try to immediately embody the Tao, but maybe because of my lingering doubt, I'm unable to do so completely. Yesterday's message hit on the part I'm most doubtful about – that the world is exactly as it should be, that humans should be like sheep. Will keep working on that.
Thus it is said:
The path into the light seems dark,
The path forward seems to go back,
The direct path seems long,
True power seems weak,
True purity seems tarnished,
True steadfastness seems changeable,
True clarity seems obscure,
The greatest art seems unsophisticated,
The greates love seems indifferent,
The greatest wisdom seems childish.
The Tao is nowhere to be found.
Yet it nourishes and completes all things.
Maybe my biggest problem is a lack of trust. I cannot let go of my rationality, even when I know it is limited. I can't just let go and trust – either the Buddha or Jesus or the writers of the Upanishads and Gita or Lao-Tzu. I recognize their wisdom. I see that the path they prescribe worked for them. And yet I am unwilling to commit myself to one path and let go. Let go of doubt and shame and cynicism and distrust, and logic. Part of that unwillingness is fear of being wrong. Some fear of being betrayed.
I feel betrayed, still, by Christianity. I gave it my whole heart, several times. And it isn't so much that people disappointed me; one expects humans to be human. It is that the Christian texts themselves confuse and anger and bewilder and bedevil me. They don't make sense. And I don't mean that when you compare them to outside measures they fall short, like that they don't meet a scientific test. No, I mean the texts are internally inconsistent. And I have really tried to allow faith and love to overcome those inconsistencies and off-putting statements, but I am finally at a place where I just cannot believe that the texts are right. There has been too much human interference. I do not get the Jesus of the texts.
So maybe I'm afraid I'll get burnt again, made to feel like a fool for believing, if I let go and commit myself to another tenet.
March 7
I wanted to say something about where I had to end yesterday.
All of the teachings of the East seem more right to me than the teachings of the West. They also seem more approachable, and more testable (by me, I mean – not laboratory tests or logical proofs), so one doesn't have to take a giant leap of faith just to get started. And indeed, I have started down the road they lay out. Maybe more than just started. What keeps holding me back from commitment . . . or rather, what keeps being a sticking place, is the cyclical nature of time. I can't believe, as I've said ad naseum, that we go through all of this just to do it again exactly the same way. I know, I know, the arrogance of me telling the Universe wht it ought to be about.
But it seems to me that it is basic human nature to build toward something, to seek improvement. And yes, I teach students all the time to question whether that is just Western bias; we believe in "progress," and so it must be human nature. I know it is pure bias if you mean people are driven to build a better shampoo or to change their agricultural techniques, even, to increase production. People in rural agricultural societies, and pastoralists, etc., are not driven by a desire for material improvement. Their energy goes much more into maintaining the status quo. So perhaps that is human nature. In terms of the East – rural China and India still have religions and philosophies that offer hope of improvement in some areas, right? Self-improvement, at least? Indian philosphy may not promote economic or political or cultural change, but it definitely promotes the idea that people should spend all of their energy on improving themselves.
There has to be something to work for. Doesn't there? It is when I run into phrases that seem to suggest that no, there is nothing to work toward, nothing to change, all is exactly as it should be – or that the ideal state would be an unchanging one in which people lived just to live – it just seems like it can't be right.
But maybe this is all a big misunderstanding on my part. Maybe it's like yesterday's message – that the right path may seem wrong at first. Perhaps these messages of complacency are the darkness at the start of the path into light. Maybe this is where my path forward appears to go back?
I think it is worth operating on that assumption. Keep following the path to see where it takes me. Because I've already learned that some of the other things on the list are true.
True power, like that of my Mom, seems weak. She looks frail, yet look at what she has withstood! The greatest love seems indifferent. I myself, through loving my friends, seemed indifferent the more I learned to love them enough to not try to control them. To let them make their own mistakes and discoveries and simply love them through it. I know they sometimes saw that as indifference.
Many times I've seen the greatest wisdom seem childish, and true purity tarnished. In anthropological theory, it seems often the case that the greatest clarity looks obscure. So, maybe I need to trust that these wise people are wise, and that I need to move further along the path in trust, in suspended disbelief, and see if the meaning doesn't change for me.
So now I'm ready for today's lesson and it is already 8 am!
42
The Tao gives birth to One.
One gives birth to Two.
Two gives birth to three.
Three gives birth to all things.
All things have their back to the female
And stand facing the male.
When male and female combine,
All things achieve harmony.
Ordinary men hate solitude.
But the Master makes use of it,
Embracing her aloneness, realizing
She is One with the whole universe.
At first I thought this one was going to be too mystical to be relevant to me right now. But then I remembered to interpret male and female as yin and yang. Then a whole world of meaning opened up, and maybe is directly relevant to the previous discussion. Recall that in Chinese symbolism, male=power, aggression, change, progress, violence, rationality. Female=power (quiet, hidden power), passivity, receptivity, stillness, sameness, peace and positive emotions.
So, if this starts in the beginning – the Tao is beyond duality, but go further – the Tao is even beyond "oneness" Whoa, dude! When the Tao gives birth to One, and One to Two, then out of duality springs an abundance of diversity. But keep in mind it is all really One. This in turn is part of the Tao.
But when "born" into this unvierse, all things are facing the male – change, linearity, action, aggression. All the stuff I'm worried about. Maybe we focus on that, because it is what is before us. The important point for me is that it isn't either/or. Yes, all of that stuff I crave is in front of me – progress! Behind me, though, supporting me, is the female – the calm stillness, etc. Important because they are both needed. Don't forget that the female is there, since I can't see it. That may be the message for me.
Further, one doesn't have to choose between them – it is when they come together that I, and the world, are in harmony.
I'm not sure I'm saying all of this right, but I get it! It's a breakthrough moment. And then the reminder at the end that all us little "ones," all the diverse beings don't need to scramble around trying to "connect" with one another. Just sit back and remember we are One. Already. No effort needed.
I think this was really helpful today. I feel like I'll be able to move ahead more smoothly.
March 8
I'm all for "early to bed, early to rise," but this three hours a night is getting ridiculous.
43
The gentlest thing in the world
Overcomes the hardest thing in the world.
That which has no substance
Enters where there is no space.
This shows the value of non-action.
Teaching without words,
Performing without actions;
That is the Master's way.
Some of this I get – wind and water overcome rock. Hmm, maybe my newish insight that I need to be gentle and nice to my body, that it will be more effective than force and meanness also fits here. I'm not sure about the next part. That which has no substance – the Tao? Wisdom? Love? Enters where there is no space. No space created for it? No space between things you've tightly organized? Or like this – love, Tao, etc., enters even through a defensive wall that has no cracks? It succeeds where arrows or battering rams would fail. That at least makes sense. But I keep seeing the epidural space, which I have no time to explain. [the epidural space is the space in the spine which the doctor/anesthesiologist has to "feel" for when giving one an epidural. They punch through the skin with the long needle and kind of poke around inbetween the vertebrae, and as my doc explained it, one just develops a sense of when one has hit it by the absence of pressure, a sort of "give."]
All references to teaching interest me. How can I better my teaching through non-action? Allow time for students to think? Don't fill every moment? Those are true, but maybe I can get to a deeper meaning by thinking on it all day, behind the other work.
March 9
44
Fame or integrity; which is more important?
Money or happiness; which is more valuable?
Success or failure; which is more destructive?
If you look to others for fulfillment,
You will never be truly fulfilled.
If your happiness depends on money,
You will never be happy with yourself.
Be content with what you have;
Rejoice in the way things are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking,
The whole world belongs to you.
A good reminder of all the stuff I've been working on. Rejoicing in the way things are! I am really trying to. Maybe I need to say it more often. Inside, I believe it occassionally. The two hardest things to rejoice about are my pain and Jim's unemployment. It is really hard to tell myself that there is nothing lacking when Jim so desperately feels the void. Is this the work we need to do? Accept it at least as temporary? And my pain, I'm getting cloer to stopping hoping for a cure.
March 10
[Long evaluation of pain level and whether certain treatments had worked, getting ready for upcoming epidural and relating discussion with husband about mental control of emotional and physical states].
I believe we can be in that much control. We have to learn how. That is part of what I'm working so hard on. How do I control my response? I can't change the fact of the pain, but I'm trying hard to learn to control how I feel about it. This brings me back to my day. I met with P (my pain psychologist). We eventually got to talking about self-hypnosis and she gave me a CD to get me started, since I can't afford the ones she recommended. Her voice was out of whack, so she couldn't lead me in one, either. But we talked more about how I should do it.
I told her part of what was holding me back was my fear – fear of not doing it right. I'm afraid I won't follow the directions, afraid I won't really let go of my awake mind, afraid that I won't know if I'm in trance or not, afraid I'll either convince myself I am when I'm not, or vice vera, and either way will miss my chance. She put me at ease. Gave me very specific instructions to follow that included what to say to myself, and made it clear that it is going to take practice. It won't happen right away, probably. But once I learn the basic technique of entering trance, then I'll be able to do more complicated things.
One really great thing she said was, "You can't be worried about performance issues. How can you do this wrong? You don't even know what right is, for you. We are all different. Some have a sensation of going up. Others down. Some get heavy, some get light. Some are silent, others speak. Some are still, others move around. Some feel sure they never reached a trance state; until they come back up, and realize it is a long journey back. You are on a journey of exploration," she said. "Go on and enjoy it, go find out who you are. There is a whole other part of you to get to know. Just trust yourself and go."
That was so freeing! To be given permission to just explore – it doesn't have to be a certain way. It isn't something one has to do "just so." And I think that I have been held back from meditation because of this, because I was afraid of not doing it "right." That is why I wanted a yogi, a teacher. So this is another thing I'm excited about. Two things – using the CD and doing it by myself. There will be issue of making time and finding a quiet space, but I think Jim will work with me.
45
True perfection seems imperfect
Yet it is perfectly itself.
True fullness seems empty,
Yet it is fully present.
True straightness seems crooked,
True wisdome seems foolish.
True art seems artless.
The Master allows things to happen.
She shapes events as they come.
She steps out of the way,
And lets the Tao speak for itself.
Things are not as they seem. Perhaps my attempts to go into trance, that seemed very disorganzied and undisciplined, were exactly, perfectly, what they were supposed to be. When I interview people, I can get into that zone, that place of being fully present to the person I'm interviewing, and utterly empty of myself. Sometimes the wisest thing one can do is walk in the rain with no umbrella, dive headfirst into a problem without looking – all which may seem foolish. Remember this! Remember it when criticizing Jim, or when confronted with a difficult-to-understand student. Things and people are not what they seem.
I've understood (if not always remembered) to let things happen, to accept the world as it unfolds. But how does one "allow" in that way while simultaneously "shaping events as they come"? Another paradox. Could it be like when you decide not to react, you shape the way an argument goes?
P told me yesterday she uses Tarot cards as a meditation tool. One day she pulled the ten of spades, which is the one where a man is lying face down with spears penetrating his whole body. And she thought, "Yes! This is exactly how work, the office, makes me feel!" We were talking about choice. Because if she used the deck as a fortune-telling tool, a prediction, she could say "Yep, this is how my day is going to go." And go into the office with that attitude, and of course that is the way the day would go. But what she did was use the Tarot to help her see her choices. And when she got to the office door, she realized she could choose not to be pierced with spears. And she decided to be nice to everyone, stay out of the cliques, go into her office, do her work, stay out of the conflicts, and lo and behold, her experiences at work got much better.
So is this the kind of shaping he means? And this story also illustrates the getting out of the way to let the Tao reveal itself. It hink I get it. Now to do it. Now I really want to go get one of my decks and use it the same way. If not every day, occasionally. Oh dear, another way to put off work. Tell you what – I'll use it as a reward.
