There is quite a bit in the next few posts about pain, so an explanation seems called for. I thought about just cutting those parts out, but I don't think my spiritual development can be understood without knowing the serious, unrelenting, long term pain I have been in for almost three years now. For those who don't know, the problem is spinal chord damage from shingles. It is like having a permanent case of the shingles. And it does appear to be permanent, because nerves do not heal, although there is some hope that they can re-wire themselves. However, now that they are pretty sure the damage goes beyond the nerve ganglia to the spinal chord itself, there is virtually nothing that can be done except palliative care and learning to live with it. At first I kept searching for a cure, some way to "fix" the problem. Once I began to accept there was no fixing it, I began to do a lot better emotionally, as I realized I had to find a way to accommodate the pain in my life. That acceptance has fueled my growth in ways that I can't quantify, but I guess you can judge for yourself as we progress through these "pages." I apologize for all the extra space; I have begun using Office 2007 to create the posts, but the transfer isn't goin as smoothly as I might hope and I don't have the energy to fix it right now.
February 24
Pain has been and still is just extraordinary. I had forgotten it could be this bad. I didn't realize, and so was not grateful enough, for how much relief I had been getting. It makes it extremely hard to ignore. I wish I would have been more appreciative of the relief from that than I've been. I am still not having the shooting pain like it was in the beginning, nor is the skin pain so bad. So I'm trying really hard to be grateful for that. It's difficult to muster up gratitude when your right torso is trying to tell you it's in urgent need of attention. So it's been a long 24 hours.
My meeting with P [my pain psychotherapist] was good; I think we are finally starting to get somewhere. My guess is that she has been getting to know me, probing me a little, to figure out if hypnosis would work, and I think she's also taking note of specific things we might want to work on and how we might work. For example, I told her about my image of my pain as a symphony, and she noted it. Maybe she'll use that to help me in a hypnotic session. We went over all the treatment options Dr. ___ discussed with me. . .
February 25
[Talking about the snowstorm] I'm giddy! But don't let that fool you – the pain is horrendous. I can't believe I thought it was bad three weeks ago. What was I complaining about? Spoiled. I'd gotten spoiled. . . I have to really concentrate to see the page in front of me. My eyes really want to just unfocus and close a little bit. I've noticed this problem for awhile. Seems to be worse with the methadone thrown into the mix. Does anyone realize how fucked up I am all the time? Cymbalta, Lyrica, Vicodin, and Methadone. All mind-altering drugs. All sedating. And yet my pain is still terrible. Obviously I need to try something new. I'm ready to be the healthy person I'm now visualizing at least 10 times a day. I'm highly motivated to change my life and get rid of ALL these drugs.
I'm going to have to invest in those self-hypnosis/meditation CDs. Need to begin working. I want to make the commitment and get going. Going to look at the exercises in the pain book K gave me today; see if I can find something good there. The good thing about sedatives? It makes it very easy to go into trance.
Do you want to improve the world?
I don't think it can be done.
The world is sacred
It can't be improved
If you tamper with it, you'll ruin it
If you treat it like an object, you'll lose it
But . . . but, but, but . . . that is what my mind is saying. Not exactly an articulate response. Here is where the West conflicts, hard, with the East. I can dig that the world is sacred; even that it has to be balanced between ugly and beautiful, etc. But define "tampering". Shouldn't we be increasing the store of good in ourselves? Is that tampering with the balance? What if you act to stop others from tampering and from treating the world as an object? Is that tampering? I realize this predates Buddhism in China, but isn't it over this question that Mahayana and Theravada Buddhism split?
I get the philosophy, that the world is perfect the way it is. But I have eyes and ears! How can I believe such a thing in my heart? Only, as I've realized before, by truly believing that it is all about learning. That it has to be this way for the Universe to learn about Itself. Or really, the Source of the universe. Tell that to a starving child, or a teen in a ghetto gang, or a Mexican, discriminated against and hated for their skin and language. Or a Brazilian or Iraqi mother. The pain in the world seems endless.
And if it is as easy to ruin as this poem implies, don't we good guys(?) have to work against those who are tampering and ruining and losing? It goes on:
There is a time for being ahead,
A time for being behind;
A time for being in motion,
A time for being at rest;
A time for being vigorous,
A time for being exhausted
A time for being safe
A time for being in danger
The Master sees things as they are,
Without trying to control them.
She lets them go their own way,
And resides at the center of the circle.
Of course. It's a matter of knowing when to act, such that it isn't tampering. How do I become that wise? Apparently by not trying to control things. I can barely write, because I can't see.
Try not to control things. Don't try to control things. Let the world, and the pain, be what it is. Guess that includes the sedation, as well. Okay. Will lie down and let it take me.
Later
Know the male
Yet keep to the female;
Receive the world in your arms
If you receive the world,
The Tao will never leave you
And you will be like a little child.
Know the white
Yet keep to the black;
Be a pattern for the world.
If you are a pattern for the world
The Tao will be strong inside you
And there will be nothing you can't do.
Know the personal,
Yet keep to the impersonal;
Accept the world as it is.
If you accept the world,
The Tao will be luminous inside you
And you will return to your primal self.
The world is formed from the void,
Like utensils from a block of wood.
The Master knows the utensils,
Yet keeps to the block;
Thus she can use all things.
I wasn't feeling this the whole time I was writing it. That's usually a sign that it is over my head. Partly that's because he's using culturally-specific references. What did "male" and "black" mean to Lao-tzu? My guess is he's making reference to the energies associated with yin and yang. Yin is white and female – but no, it must be black. Okay, yin is black and female, Yang is white and male. Yang is active passionate, lively, intellectual, cultural. Yin is passive, calm, gentle, emotionally even, and natural. So then it makes more sense, and is consistent with the rest of what I've learned.
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