February 15
24
He who stands on tiptoe
Doesn’t’ stand firm.
He who rushes ahead
Doesn’t get far.
He who tries to shine
Dims his own light.
He who defines himself
Can’t know who he really is.
He who has power over others
Can’t empower himself.
He who clings to his work
Will create nothing that endures.
If you want to accord with the Tao,
Just do your job, then let go.
Okay. A needed reminder to stop beating myself up for a lot of things. Just before I opened the book I almost wrote to chastise myself for not learning the lessons of the Tao fast enough. I don’t really know how to be, other than hyper-critical of myself. Though notice that I didn’t write it. So maybe I can actually learn. Maybe, as this suggests, it would be helpful to think of it as presumptuous, as standing on tippytoe, to be farther along this spiritual path than I am. Taoism is all about recognizing where and who one is, and letting that be okay. Not being complacent about character flaws, but accepting them for what they are and learning to work with them.
I don’t need to be a spiritual superstar, is what this says to me. If I try, I’ll only get in my own way. Just keep practicing the trick of doing my work, and letting it go.
February 18
It is 8:45 pm, and I’m on a plane, nearing Milwaukee. Can feel the beginning of the descent. There is a nun sitting in front of me, and she was complaining to one of her traveling companions about one of the ministers somewhere, who offended her in some way, and the listener said, “Don’t worry, Sister, God will get ‘im.” Now that’s Christian charity. The nun had already given me bad vibes. Isn’t that awful of me? Making judgments on such little info? Or is it just being a good anthropologist? Well – as long as I don’t mean judgment as in “judging.” Calling a spade a spade is alright, so long as I’m asking why the spade is a spade. It felt to me earlier, watching her in the terminal, like the nun was playing on her habit to get favors, or special treatment. And she seemed not very intelligent. But I don’t have much to go on, and maybe I’m just being ageist.
February 19
I slipped a bit with [a new person I met] . . . [started to discuss what was wrong with this person] Well, its not her. I need to worry about me. Its me. Why did I allow a stranger’s rapid assessment of me affect me? I’m disturbed about it. Everyone doesn’t have to like me. I don’t have to worry about whether people like me or not. Do I like me?
I don’t like how self-centered I am. I noticed several – multiple – times when I was thinking about myself instead of thinking about others. When I noticed, I tried to correct the behavior. But I would really like to figure out how to not think first of myself in the first place. I’ll just keep at it. I believe pain has contributed to an already present tendency to be selfish. My side is so loud, so much of the time, its hard to think of anything else. That’s no excuse. It just means I have to find a way around the loud voice of the pain. Hmmm – that’s an insight! One of the ways to approach this is to try to improve my listening skills. If, when I’m talking to another I remember and apply all I know about interviewing and listening, which is a lot, that will really help get me out of my self. Okay, I’ll try it.
25
There was something formless and perfect
Before the universe was born.
It is serene. Empty.
Solitary. Unchanging.
Infinite. Eternally present.
It is the mother of the universe.
For lack of a better name, I call it the Tao.
It flows through all things,
Inside and outside, and returns
To the origin of all things.
The Tao is great.
The universe is great.
Earth is great.
Man is great.
These are the four great powers.
Man follows the earth.
Earth follows the universe.
Universe follows the Tao.
The Tao follows only itself.
I think I’ll just let that stand as it is. A reminder of what’s truly important as I go through this day of work.
February 20
My horoscope recognized my stress level and told me to “get centered.” Doesn’t that imply I should stay home? Man, the pain is so bad. Kind that makes you moan and want to just scream.
26
The heavy is the root of light.
The unmoved is the source of all movement.
Isn’t this something from physics, too? The idea of the unmoved mover? Or is that just Plato? Or oops – Aristotle? And I think the Judeo Christian God is referred to that way, as is Brahman. I guess it’s a universal idea. I can’t think it all out right now, but its about the same thing I wonder about, the source. How can movement and sin and chaos come out of a still, good, ordered source? A puzzle for all religions.
Thus the Master travels all day
Without leaving home.
However splendid the views,
She stays serenely in herself.
I don’t think I get all of what this is saying. Just the obvious, about not being swayed by every attractive thing that passes. I don't think I'm thinking straight today.
I realized in Texas that part of why my classes have felt so awful is that I’ve let myself be swayed by the hum dev textbook. Realized I have to reclaim the adolescents and the statistics and show my students the real people. Stay true to myself.
February 22
27
A good traveler has no fixed plans
And is not intent upon arriving.
Don’t I know this about travel? Why can’t I extend it to the rest of my life?
A good artist lets his intuition
Lead him wherever it wants.
A good scientist has freed himself of concepts
And keeps his mind open to what is.
Thus the Master is available to all people
And doesn’t reject anyone.
She is ready to use all situations
And doesn’t waste anything.
This is called embodying the light.
What is a good man but a bad man’s teacher?
What is a bad man but a good man’s job?
If you don’t understand this, you will get lost,
However intelligent you are.
It is the great secret.
I love this stanza!
This is still one of my most favorite stanzas in the whole book. I suppose as a teacher it particularly appeals to me, but I love this whole "chapter." Looking back at last February, I have to wonder how much pain was affecting everything I was doing. I am so grateful that I have better pain control today. Better . . . not perfect. But meditation is the very best medicine of all.
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