Return to the Spiral Path

I’ve decided it’s time to take this blog back to its original purpose. Enough fooling around! And now that I have spent several months recuperating from various surgeries, I have a giant backlog of journal entries that I’d like to share. In fact, many amazing things happened “on the way to the operating table” and on the way home from it that drew me along my path and shaped my relationship with the divine. As I said when I sort of re-appeared in July, I sometimes feel like a different person. Clearly I’m not, because when I fail to do the things I’ve learned to do over the past 6 months, I fall all too easily into the impatient and ego-driven self I’ve always been. I’m hopeful that by reviewing the journey I will also recapture the means to get back to where I was at the peak. Where to begin . . .

January 7, 2008
As I type up old journals for the blog I am amazed at how much spiritual progress I had made – and then lost – again! This is a repetive pattern. Do other people do this? I wonder if it is what Phyllis (my pain psychologist) was talking about when she told me about all those who dropped out of her prayer group once real transformations began to occur? We want to change, we do, but it is scary to let go of our familiar, habitual ways of being so at some point we stop doint the necessary things, and eventually begin sliding back . . .
For me, I believe what happened – and I have to rely on memory because I stopped keeping a journal at the end of the summer 2007 – is that I really did not need the journal anymore. The purpose had changed, anyway. I occasionally recorded a few key insights. But after Christmas 2007, when some things happened, a great shift occurred in me. I began to feel that I was making a doormat of myself with my attempts at compassion and forgiveness. Instead of working at figuring out how to achieve the appropriate balance, I began to actually desire to hang on to resentments!!! I didn’t want to smooth them away with the mantra; I wanted to begin to collect them! Heaven help me, I wanted to nurse my anger enough to harden into a protective shell. I’d been badly hurt, you see. I felt that I wasn’t going to allow it any more.

But in my blindness, part of what I was angry about was feeling that I wasn’t respected. Not for me, the “real” me, the person I’d been and the one I was becoming. That I’d cut off or hidden big chunks of myself to please others. So in my anger, what did I do? I turned my back on the best practices I’d ever known, the most incredible spiritual progress I’d ever made, and in the process hid even more of my real self. Brilliant! I began to find excuses not to meditate – never hard with a schedule like mine – until eventually, by late March or so, I wasn’t doing it at all. I’d say by mid April or so I wasn’t reading any spiritual or devotional material. I was very busy with my job; several conference presentations in and out of state, teaching four classes, managing large numbers of TAs and RAs, interns and independent studies. Lots of institutional and community service. And a lot of pain that led to two surgeries in the summer of 2008. We also were trying to buy a house, which we did, and moved in on September 22. Then it was just a mad, crazy dash through the semester. Just hoping to survive it. No thoughtfulness really. No meditation, no concentration. I still have the mantra.

Now I have a room for meditation. That tired old excuse is gone. I am on Winter Break and my only excuse for not starting again is pain, which is no excuse. And the shame for having been gone so long. Like my Self doesn’t know?! And all the other excuses are all the more reason I need to GET IN THERE! Today! So I will. No more excuses.

January 15
[Had wisdom tooth pulled and two doctor visits leading up to third surgery]
I’m going to be able to get to work, the blog, and even my spiritual life back on track now. I have a place to meditate, the ice is broken; I have a plan to begin reading the Uddhava Gita and the Upanishads again, and I’m going to pull myself back to Krishna’s feet.

January 17
I’m reading the Brhadaranyaka Upanishad and trying not to take a thousand notes. But some things are not in the glossary and I want to be sure to check them later. I’m in 3.1.8 and there is a Hote priest. From context, Hote priests appear to be associated with fire and speech and maybe death. Breath too? Just read and learn from context like a child – that is what I am supposed to be doing.
It does seem to be a particular god associated with the element of fire and the means of speech. As Adhvaryu is associated next with days and nights and sight. Udgatr is with the waxing and waning moon and breath. Each of these has temples, priests, rites and sacrifices, assumedly to be practiced at certain times. Then it says when there is no support in this world, one turns to Brahman, who is associated with the mind.
This sage who is being quizzed is next asked about “graspers” and “overgraspers”. This is a fascinating way to look at the relationship between senses and sense-objects. The graspers are our sense organs. Speech, nose, tongue, sight, hearing, mind, hands, skin. Things sensed are not described as grasped but overgrasped, capturing the dialectic, the mutuality, the relationship between Self and gunas. Visible appearances, flavors, sounds, desires, actions, touches . . . they grasp us back.
Graha and atigraha – double entedre. Graha also refers to the cup used to draw out Soma. And atigraha also means the practice of offering extra cupfuls of soma. So, the grasp that grasps back!
In 4.1.3 the same sage, Yajnavalkya, is instructing the king of the same region and he goes through this kind of charade where he aks what the kings sages have taught him about brahman. They have taught him some formulas – “Brahman is sight” “Brahman is breath,” but not what the words mean “or what its foundations are.” So he goes through each one and for each he ends up saying, “The highest brahman is sight.” “The highest brahman is breath.” Etc. The king never asks him to resolve how all of them can be the highest, so he doesn’t, exactly.

January 19
I am re-reading Easwaran as part of re-establishing my equilibrium and good spiritual habits, and reminding myself of what I am supposed to be doing. On the subject of one-pointedness, I am struck (again) by how much energy I have squandered this past year with split attention. As my tasks and responsibilities piled up, I somehow came to believe I could get more done by dividing myself into 2 or 4 or 8 pieces, each with only half, quarter or eight the energy, knowledge or attention. I literally found myself booked for 2-4 meetings more than once last spring. Clearly tht did not work. So I need to attend carefully to what he is saying.
In Sanskrit, ekagrata. Eka = one, agra = point, or edge. Easwaran talks about how much energy is dissipated in giving mental attention to things over which we have no control; the past, regrets, the comeback we wish we’d made. But also he discusses the way we make some tasks boring or onerous by not giving them our attention. I mean, if you spend the ntire time you are grading essays or creating a rubric feeling put-upon and impatient, and telling yoursel fyou shouldn’t have to do this grading; it is boring; the students won’t appreciate it, or whatever, then half of your mind is fighting the other half, which is trying to work despite the clamor. A grey pall sets over everything, you feel dispirited, disgusted and bored, and the whole project comes to feel pointless.
In his terms, you’ve consumed a tremendous amount of vital energy at war with yourself. No wonder the thing exhausts you. The task could be anything one finds boring or menial or beneath them. And all of this enormous waste and generation of unhappiness that spills over into the rest of one’s life is all due to the simple lack ofan ability or will to pay attention to the task at hand.
If we gave our attention to these tasks – well, we know what happens then. We experience it with the tasks we love. So I need to remember to give the same attention to every task that I give to solving an intriguing puzzle in the data, or prepping an interesting class, or writing an engaging part of an essay. Dishwashing can be and has been exactly this absorbing when I’ve tried it. Remember? I managed this for a brief time, and it was wonderful. Everything in my life smoothed out. Why and how did I let that go?L

Pre-Op

I have been thinking and even writing quite a few "blog-worthy" things the last few days, but I haven't quite got in the habit of writing on the computer. I still turn to my journal first. It may have something to do with the size of my laptop and the difficulties inherent in holding it in my lap. In any case, an update is due.

I am scheduled for a total abdominal hysterectomy on Monday the 13th. I spent the last week or so arranging for my classes to be covered and prepping my on-line course ahead as far as possible, etc. Surgeon says I won't be doing a full-day's work for at least four weeks. It is a little intimidating. While on one hand I am near-desperate to have it done and feel almost ready to grab a knife and do the operation myself . . . on the other I still ask myself if I am doing the right thing and I tremble at the thought of feeling that weak for that long. It is hard to wrap my head around four to eight weeks of recovery time. Missing out on the end - the best time - of the semester. When you've brought your students through all the hard parts and it is really paying off in sophisticated analysis and critical interpretation.

So I am dealing with it by reminding myself that I would not - am not - giving my students the best of me in any case. I would be suffering through that 4-8 week period anyway. My body has no trouble reminding me of that. And I am putting myself in mental, emotional and to an extent physical training for healing after the surgery.

I am dedicated to health. To being healthy. To being the living embodiment of health. It has begun to really sink in that I do not have to accept anything less than perfect functioning of this temple of god that I'm in. I'm not quite sure when I allowed myself to beging believing that the PHN was a permanent condition, but things went downhill from there.

I am trying to see this surgery and the recovery period as an opportunity to truly change the relationship I have with my body and with my health. I am doing a number of things to try to foster that. I've been continuining the things I've talked about some here (and that I hope to talk more about while I'm recuperating) like yoga and meditation and continuing study of sacred texts that are meaningful and helpful like the Gitas. But I am also participating in a very neat visualization/mind-body healing program offered by the Rehab Center of the hospital.

It has some fairly standard relaxation techniques, and visualizing oneself healed, along with walking yourself through getting to know and have discussions with the hurting parts of your body. That latter is something I can certainly use help with. It also has a component of asking for support; that involves requestion that people who love you send their love in a warm blanket of color (I choose peachy-pink) half an hour before surgery (7 am Central Daylight Savings Time for anyone who feels like participating - I will take all the love and healing thoughts I can get). It is hard for me to ask for this - or anything. But I am and will be grateful.

Another very cool part is that the circulating nurse will read five healing statements to me (4 are pre-selected and one I write myself) as I am going under anaesthetic and while I am under. A great many studies have demonstrated that we do hear what is going on while we are under, and it does have an amazing effect on us. For example, people who are told they will heal well do actually heal faster in controlled studies. Other studies have people using less medication, getting out of the hospital faster, having fewer side effects, and all kinds of things. Anecdotal stories also reveal the opposite; when people hear their doctors saying "Oops" or "This looks bad" or other negative things, they heal more slowly, are depressed, use more pain medication, etc.

So what I decided is that in addition to the statements that suggest I will heal well, quickly, need little medication and have no complications, why not also plant the idea that as I heal from the surgery, I will also heal from the post-herpetic neuralgia? It can't hurt, right? I am working on how to phrase it; it needs to be wholly positive and not mention pain (what happens when you say "don't think about pink elephants"?). Maybe something like "You will be whole and free of all medications forever." Or "All of your cells will work together as a field to be free and healthy for a long life." That means something to me and my body - we've been reading about the body as a quantum field which ties into the way Krishna talks about the body, too. Anyone else have any good wordsmithing for me?

I am asking for help. Hard for me, but I am learning to be humble. I've eaten a lot of crow this semester already, and as I head into this period where wiping my own bum is going to be difficult I expect I'll learn even more about humility.

I'll try to post again before the big day. Thanks for still reading - Hopefully I'll be able to say something a little more profound one of these days : )

July 5-15, 2007

July 5, 2007

I am beginning to feel the lack of a dose of Krishna's wisdom. It's been a few days since I opened the Gita. My meditation went much better yesterday, though I may have drowsed. I'd like to believe I actually had some moments in which I thought of nothing at all, but it seems much more likely I fell briefly asleep. Easwaran notes we will, if we fight drowsiness now, one day be wholly conscious when we descend deeply into ourselves. Now that I have the passage memorized and it comes easily to me, it is easier to get bored, and to wonder what is supposed to be happening. I mean, I get that my job is to keep my mind focused, with one-pointed attention, on the passage, on each word. And I've managed to do that for small stretches – sometimes long stretches.

The goal is not to analyze the words, or apply them to one's life – though I can't help, yet, those images/word-associations sometimes springing up. I let go of them as quickly as I can. OK, but, though the meaning is assumed to sink in thru repetition, the goal is not to actively think about meaning. So one begins wondering, what will happen? Or is anything supposed to happen? Easwaran and others talk about pyrotechnics, and deep emotions and insights – but we aren't supposed to focus on those – just stick to the words of the passage.

I do see the value simply in getting one's mind to do as one asks for 30 minutes. That ought to be goal enough. And I oughtn't to allow it to claim boredom with the passage we've only used for 2 weeks or 3. Probably I'm just being impatient. I've sat, what – 10-12 times? And haven't yet reached enlightenment? Silly girl. It is that, but it is also anxiety that I'm not doing something correctly. Need to just reassure myself by checking Easwaran, and then direct my energies to doing what I am supposed to be doing – training my mind to be one-pointed and my heart full of compassion.

7-am now. I've re-read what I needed to in Easwaran, and it helped. Just keep doing what I'm doing. I'm also going to begin work on memorizing (finding first) some new passages, too.

July 6

What an interesting day I had yesterday! To begin, in my meditation I tried something hinted at in Easwaran – to slow down the passage by letting each word fall, "like a pearl into water," and to follow it down. It's kind of hard to explain. But I did it, dropping each word in and letting it stay by itself until the ripples of it, or the resounding of it, wear off. E says in time we'll be able to follow it all the way to the bottom.

Well, it enriched my meditation more than I would have believed. For one thing, the time flew past, and for another, I went much deeper, much faster. That in itself is hard to describe – the senses withdraw; one becomes less aware of all the sounds smells, aches and pains – kind of like being lowered into a tank, or being sealed up. It gets easier to focus on the one thing. One's breathing becomes deep and slow.

Yesterday I was rewarded with something new; a buzzing energy in my body, centered on the lowest chakra. The hairs on my arms stood up! It was pretty amazing. Do you suppose that was the prana that Krishna was talking about? Wow. I guess what you are supposed to do is push that energy up your spine and into your heart chakra – or your head. I have to re-check. We'll see if I can ever even feel it again. I was at the end of my time, and Easwaran warns against following the side shows. I wanted to, but he is my only teacher and I have to trust him, so I shut it down.

But then I went to work and had an amazing day – did my first television interview – all sorts of wild things.

July 15

Today makes a week of uninterrupted first-thing-in-the-morning meditation. May be beginning to make some progress. Much less chatter today.

I finished Roy's God of Small Things. A beautiful, heart-breaking book. I think that between coming from the horror at the end of Disorderly Knights, and the way Roy lets you know her story is going to be horrifying, I shut myself down. I admired the skill with which she weaved her plot; I so appreciated the child's eye view she so clearly understands/remembers, and I loved the little twins a little bit. But I never surrendered myself to the story. It was so powerful that I feard it, and didn't give myself to it.

Now I'm reading another Indian writer, a book called Vishnu's Death. Anil is the author, I think. It at least has given me more of what I was looking for, more understanding of daily life in India, of a Hindu, of food and when one eats what. Was pleased that now I recognize many of the stories from the Mahabharata and more of the allusions make sense to me.

One thing I must face; there are virtually no happy stories coming out of India, and haven't been for 40-50 years. When I want to judge Christianity by its fruit, I can't close my eyes to the atrocities of caste, of Hindu-on-Muslim violence, or the everyday violence of grinding poverty. I can say to myself, and do, that anyone practicing bigotry, cruelty, etc. is not practicing "real" Hinduism. They may be following Vedic ritual but they are not following the Upanishads or the wisdom of Krishna, and that's true. They aren't. But wouldn't every Christian say those doing evil in Christ's name aren't practicing the "real" Christianity? Of course.

I can make a better argument because there are actually 2 different doctrines – the incarnation of Krishna splits off from the Vedas in the same way Jesus' life and teachings break away from Torah. Its just that in the West, the religion of Judaism couldn't contain the alternate, whereas Hinduism could, can, and continues to hold within it a hundred or a thousand different belief systems.

Nevertheless, one can't be honest and deny that most Indian lives for a very long time have been wretched. Even in a land where poverty is not seen as something awful, like it is here, and where lots of people are happier in their slums or ancient villages than we typically are in all our luxury. Even in a place like that, the poverty is deep, the inequality too unequal, the random cruelty of the government unspeakably hideous and wrong.

June 30- July 4, 2007

June 30, 2007

I went to meditate just before dinner. It went okay. Not great, not terrible, but I'm really glad I did it.

Back to the wise and compassionate words of Krishna. Dialogue 14 ended with Krishna enjoining us to cease making judgments between "good" and "bad." In Dialogue 15 Uddhava begins by asking the obvious next question – But wait! You tell us to stop making these judgments but the Vedas and even your own words talk about what is right and wrong ~ I'm confused! Are we to be good? Or are we to cease seeing good and bad?

I think I know where Krishna is going to go. It's something of a paradox so I don't know if I can explain. I think it is something like – in reality there is no distinction between good and evil because all is one. You can't have only one side of a coin. However, if you would like to experience that oneness, there are certain things one ought to do, which we'll label "good," and other things one ought to avoid.

It isn't wrong to take a path that leads into darkness; it just won't bring you into light. Remember that King Kamsa, who hated Krishna and kept trying to kill him even when he was a babe, achieved liberation because even though it was hatred and fear that motivated him, still he had one-pointed attention, and thought of nothing but Vishnu/Krishna.

So even dedication to evil can bring one enlightenment. Nothing is inherently good or evil. Yet Krishna's purpose is to lay the path to Himself for us; to pave it, make it as direct and easy to follow as possible. Thus all things that keep one on that road are good, those that don't, aren't. Let's see if that is actually what he means!

Yes! Krishna begins by saying there are 3 and only 3 paths to spiritual enlightenment – jnana, karma and bhakti yoga. He describes them again, and says who each is for. The duties each of us has because of our caste and station he says, we should do "until you lose interest in the world, or until an intense faith and devotion arise in your heart" v.9.

People who just go about their duties, simple people who just live their lives will go neither to heaven nor to hell. They'll just be reborn again and again until one of those two things happens. He says that souls in heaven and hell covet a life here on earth because it offers opportunities for growth, for liberation, for enlightenment. They are like side worlds. You can make trips out to them but neither is actually on the main path.

One must be human to make spiritual progress. This is the vehicle designed exactly for that purpose.

[Entry ends abruptly because our vaction was at an end – it was the last day, and time to pack. Several days of driving and unpacking and recovering later . . .]

July 2

Dialogue 16 is about how the deep meaning of the Vedas is knowing the Oneness of God, and NOT the lists of rules and rituals. Krishna is still answering Uddhava's question about making distinctions between good and evil, right and wrong. And basically what he is saying is: there are no hard and fast rules about this – it all depends on context.

Actions, thoughts, words, etc. are never wrong/evil in themselves, nor are they right/good in themselves. Just saying a prayer or chanting a mantra or doing a ritual isn't necessarily "good" even if it was good at one time for some one. Krishna sounds an awful lot like Jesus when he says that the instructions, the laws in the Vedas, as in the Old Testament, were given by Him to the ancestors "as a guide to how to conduct one's life." Like the Torah, the Vedas are full of discussions and lists of things that are pure/clean and things that are impure. About these Krishna says that what makes things pure is the presence of god, the pure and devoted heart.

People who have come to read the Vedas literally and rigidly are incorrect and are missing the whole point. There are injunctions in the Vedas, promises of reward for good behavior, placed there to entice people into their spiritual journey. Instead, people have often become fixated on the rewards and therefore fail to progress at all.

Heedlessly they indulge in ritual acts

Only to choke on the smoke

Of their own ignorance v.27

A strict adherance to ritual

Will be their only theme:

They will not even recognize me

Dwelling in their own heart

And in the heart of this entire creation v.28.

In sacrifical rituals

These cruel people

Will slaughter innocent animals v.30

They fantasize in their own minds

About a heavenly world after this one

And then imagine

That like merchants in a market

They can trade rituals

For a place in such a heaven v.31.

Doesn't this sound, not only like what Jesus said to his contemporary Jews, but also like what needs to be said now? Like all these Christians who are arguing for the arrest and deportation of undocumented workers because they "broke the law." At the end Krishna says, "I am the sacrifice the Vedas speak of." Just what Jesus said. And what is really intriguing, has the seeds of radical re-interpretation of Jesus is: Krishna, the man, was NOT killed. He means he is a sacrifice in a different way. I don't think I clearly understand it. But couldn't Jesus have also meant it differently? I mean, couldn't he have meant it however Krishna means it? That he would have been the sacrifice regardless of whether he was crucified?

With all of the parallels between their words, I feel I am coming to understand and appreciate Jesus through coming to know Krishna. More than I ever did when studying the Gospels alone. And it confirms in my mind that the doctrine does not reflect what he was really saying.

July 3

I should record a couple of things. One – meditation seems easier in some ways now that I've truly got the prayer in my memory. I don't have those long gaps between words as I struggle to recall the next one. I also didn't have too much trouble with drowsiness yesterday. I did have a hard time concentrating, keeping focused on the words, without analyzing them. I started out well, but the phone rang in the middle and then I kept being distracted by outside noises. Will see if I can do better today.

July 4

Meditation yesterday was awful. I didn't get to it until after 8 pm. We had a thunderstom that terrified poor Indy. So I went up with her and sat in the closet where she was hiding but my mind just wouldn't stay still. I grew frustrated. I couldn't find a position that didn't pain me. The only good was that I did make myself sit there, and my cat was calm and reassured when I left.

Also, when going to sleep at night, I've learned I had better go back to saying the mantra. I had purposely stopped to allow my mind some free time in which ideas could freely associate. I learned yesterday that Easwaran is right – again. You can't expect the mind to be quiet and lie still for 30 minutes a day when it has free reign the other 23:30.

Discipline requires being disciplined all the time. I resist the idea, but will eventually cave, because I fear it is correct. A person in training to be an Olympic athlete can't be fit or work out just ½ an hour a day. They are always at it. And the payoff – just remember the payoff. Muscles that respond, almost on their own, with all the strength one needs. I recall from skating and swimming what a glorious feeling it was, to have finally mastered a routine – whole body doing exactly what you asked of it, all smooth and effortless. How much more glorious for the mind to respond like that?

Well, it takes practice. Training. So the mantra is back in at night, and I will be more contientious about working it in everywhere in my day. The mind is screaming "that will kill creativity," but of course it would say that. Mind, this training will get you in shape to be more creative, to tap inner reserves of insight, to make more brilliant theoretical analyses. You'll be more nimble than ever! Just give it a try!

June 28, 2007

June 28, 2007

[On vacation at friend's summer cabin on Illinois River]

Easwaran was right about not taking any days off from meditation. Geez was it difficult to make my mind stay on track! I had to coninually bring it back, had to start over multiple times, and wasn't really making much progress by the end of 30 minutes. But the first step is taken. It should be easier today. I better understand why he insists on 30 minutes. For someone like me, my mind is just beginning to settle down at the 15 minute point. If I was quitting then, I don't see how I'd make any progress. Even yesterday, the half hour sped by rapidly as I wrestled with my mind. I began to get a little frustrated, and then remembered that's precisely what the mind wants; to create a diversion. So I let go of my anger at myself and just went back to the passage. Decided it was better to say it fast than to get caught in the spaces between words, but I still lost myself over and over.

It is kind of cool. Yes, my mind is utterly undisciplined and makes crazy connections, but instead of just admitting defeat, I am actually doing something about it. I understand it may take years to see a real difference, but it feels good to be "in training" for something again. I was always attracted to things one had to practice to do well, as long as they were solitary efforts, like skating and swimming.

I am eager to see improvement, but I am also going to take enjoyment and satisfaction from the daily practice, the rehearsal where one must do the same step a thousand, ten thousand times to get right.

This morning I think I'll begin reading my book on Krishna. Right now I am ready for the next dialogue in the U. Gita. The 13^th Dialogue is mostly about how to become and how to live as a sannyasin. It is interesting to read to see what the earthly goal is. It would be awfull hard to live that way in America. Funny, it is supposed to be the "land of the free," and yet anyone truly living the life which leads to liberation – anyone truly free, would be arrested as a vagrant.

We really mean, "The land in which one is free to pursue wealth at all costs." Poverty is a crime in the United States. Wealth is god, and anyone who chooses to give up their belongings and go wandering MUST be insane and in need of help. Plus, Krishna suggests the sannyasin should freely roam the earth, visiting its sacred places, "its flowing rivers and soaring mountains with their deeply penetrating solitude" v.24. But in the US, those places are usually "private property" where trespassers can be shot or at least arrested.

No, this is not a friendly place for holy people. Not like I'm ready for that personally anyway, but it really highlights some very ugly things about our society. And it isn't as if the religion – the religion they claim to practice – of these people forbids the actions prescribed for sannyasin. Their god – Jesus - tried to tell them the exact same message. You could find a verse in the Gospels to match nearly every injunction. "Leave your nets and follow me." "Do not worry about where your next meal is coming from; does not the Father take care of the birds of the air?" "Does a father on earth give his children a stone when they ask for bread?" "Give up your posessions." "If a man asks for a shirt, give him your coat also." "The rich man, in order to get into heaven, ought to give away all his posessions."

Over and over, Jesus tried to convey the message: if you really want to find God, you need to stop what you are doing, give up your schemes for earthly success – oh yes – lay up your treasure in heaven – give up your wordly identity, stop worrying entirely about the future of your body and concentrate on that of your soul. Walk away and follow me.

And he led those who followed an itenerant's path, moving constantly, visiting holy sites, begging for food, not hunting but relying on the kindness of strangers, repaying them with kindness and blessings. He taught them that religious ritual isn't enough, that going through the motions in order to look holy or achieve some worldly end would not only not work but was ridiculous. Basically, he said everything Krishna says here about the way to live a life in search of God and eternal liberation, everlasting salvation. The message of the two religions in terms of behavior is nearly identical.

Yet, whereas in India and throughout Asia they've built their societies such that spiritual mendicants and wanderers are cared for, sustained and treasured by the people, Christian societies have structured themselves such that it is next to impossible to do as Jesus commanded and not end up in jail or another institution.

Another difference is in our view of the life course. Youth is worshipped here, and old people are ever striving to be young again – a hopeless venture, it should be obvious. Mecca for us is to have no wrinkles, no sagging skin, no yellow or broken teeth, and no silver hairs. To be able to have sex twice a day and to eat and drink whatever one wants. We try to make no concessions to/for the ageing body. Dance all night at 79!

Silly! The rest of the world treasures their elderly. People look forward to being older, largely because their societies are structured such that in old age one receives more prestige, power, and a relaxation in one's workload. An obviously realistic hope and plan. I think for us, part of it must be our approaches to death. Americans are terrified of death. We abhor and fear it, and seem to be always trying to escape backward in time and elude its clutches. Why? If you believe you are going to heaven to be with God, why run away?

Hindus have built a culture that helps people prepare for death. There is a cycle of birth and rebirth that can be comforting, but better is the belief that all souls already are eternal and divine. Every soul will eventually realize that. There is no winning and losing because from the start it is accepted that we all will win eventually.

One lives a busy life, doing all life has to offer, but at the end of life, Hindu religion and culture makes a time and space for people to devote themselves to meaning-making and to preparation for their own death (and possible re-birth). And so, by the end of this dialog, Krishna has answered the question and explained how it is that all people, wherever they start in caste or station, have their own duties, and that by doing them, all can reach Him, the Supreme Self of all.

I'm hungry for more, and everyone but Isi is still asleep, so I think I'll read my book about Krishna's life. I'm so excited to learn more and develop a better devotional image.

The Play of God, by Vanamali Devi. I've just waded through all the prefaces, introduction and benedictions. Reading the author's explanation of the life of Krishna, of how the Divine can incarnate, and the pupose of incarnation, one cannot help but be struck by the commonalities with Christianity. For example:

"The simplicity of his teaching was such that it could by followed by any man, woman or child, unlike the Vedic teachings, which were meant only for the elite. The Vedic system had become elaborated into a vast system of complicated sacrificial rituals, which could only be performed by the brahmins and conducted only by the Kshtraiyas." The glorious Upanishads were there, but required a teacher and fine intellectual ability to grasp (p.xiv).

Could this sound anything more like the situation within Judaism at the time Jesus came? And really, it is very similar to what was going on when Buddha arrived on the seen a bit earlier.

"The Bhagavata Dharma provided a devotional gospel in which action, emotion and intellect played equal parts, and proclaimed Krishna as Ishvara (God), who had incarnated Himself for the sake of humanity, who could be communed with through love and service, and who responded to the earnest prayers and deepest yearnings of the ordinary person" (p.xiv-xv).

One difference is that while Jesus is thought to be all-god, all-human, and therefore limited by His human form, Krishna is not. He is fully tapped into his Divinity from childhood on, and thus has total control over nature. Jesus does too; I mean, he walks on water and turns water into wine, but He does so rarely. I guess Krishna uses His power more regularly.

Krishna is also of a royal lineage but born to humble circumstances. One difference; he actually becomes the King Jesus' followers wished He would be.

"All His human actions during the span of His earthly life are meant not only to bless His contemporaries and establish righteousness on earth, but to provide a spiritually potent account of His earthly deeds for the contemplation of posterity. By meditating on them they could establish with Him a devotional relationship like that which His great devotees had with Krishna during His lifetime. He is the expression of the redeeming love of God for man which manifests itself in different ages and in different lands, bringing spiritual enlightenment and bliss into the otherwise dreary lives of humanity" p.xv.

While I am comparing, I'm noting some competetion in my mind, like "At least Hindus make room and allowance for other faiths, unlike those rigid and ethnocentric and snobby Christians." While that may be doctrinally true, there are probably plenty of closed-minded Hindus, and competition is not the point. There is no winning! Jesus and Krishna, I believe, are both incarnations (of a different sort than the rest of us) of the Supreme Reality, the Sat-Chid-Ananda (existence-knowledge-bliss). We can follow either and be saved. On points of disagreement, I have come to believe that Jesus was actually teaching a message closer to Krishna's, but that his followers didn't understand him. That may sound arrogant, or misguided, or ethnocentric, but that is what I currently believe.

11 am. I've read the first two chapters, The Advent, and The Birth. Its amazing how, even tho the stories are quite different and conform to their respective cultures, there are still many common elements. For instance, there is an evil king whose death is predicted to come at the hands of the baby. The evil king responds by trying to kill the babe by killing all the other infants around. There is another woman pregnant with a different special child. There is the attempt to hide the child, this time by switching with the other special child, whose mother is in her 40s and had given up on having children.

Krishna is also conceived in a special way. His mother was not a virgin, having already given birth to six children (note he is the seventh child), but before her marriage was considered the purest in the land. She had already lived two lives of austerities in order to earn the honor of housing the divine. She and her husband have been chained in a dungeon, in such a way that they cannot touch each other. But the Supreme, whom they are here calling Vishnu, entered into Vasudeva, the father-to-be, and he was so filled with bliss and wonder he called out. His wife, Devaki, asks her husband what could possibly give him such joy when they are in a situation in which they cannot conceive the child who will be their salvation. He explains, and then "Vasudeva transmitted to his wife through the medium of the all-comprehensive Being present in all, including herself, and she received the mental transmission even as the eastern horizon receives the glory of the full moon. Thus did she conceive the Lord mentally thru her husband Vasudeva" p.11.

As in the birth of the Buddha, and the Christ child, the whole earth trembles at the birth – flowers bloom, stars shine more brightly, birds sing, etc. The differences that stand out to me – none of the prudishness or devaluing of women that one might expect from modern-day Indian culture or that one sees in the modern translations of the Gospels. The parents of Krishna are depicted as clearly sexual beings and Devaki is important, learned, and earned the honor through spiritual discipline.

Both stories have the element of recognition; it is clear to all around that this infant is special, and all are charmed by him immediately. From here, the stories ought to diverge, since we know little of Jesus' early life, but let's see. Oh – I forgot to mention the theme of all people who know bringing the babe gifts. And of others who act in ways that stir up trouble in order that God's purpose will be fulfilled.

In Krishna's infancy, before even he is named, the king sends many demons to kill him. But by his divine knowledge and strength he defeats each one. He also blesses them. Even though they are pure evil, just by touching the babe they are cleansed and achieve liberation, moksha.

Everyone senses he is special but no one yet knows who he is. Since her son keeps narrowly escaping death, Yahoda, his foster mother, becomes consumed with worry, feeling he's been super lucky so far but that she just can't protect him. And so Krishna, in his great compassion, seeks to reassure her. One day, she sits on the verandah worrying how to protect him; he opens his mouth and allows her to see the entire universe inside him. Of course she is stunned and forgets as soon as he closes his mouth, but something of his nature stays with her and reassures her.

There are a bunch of stories of him as a toddler, getting into all kinds of mischief, and getting away with it because he turns on the charm. These are stories that would enchant children and mothers, particularly Indian peasant mothers who do indulge their children. He steals things (food) and does other naughty things, but it is always so can make some boon or blessing to those he stole from – like breaking clay pots so the owners will receive pots of gold, or giving a poor woman 5-6 grams of wheat instead of the bushel he owed her, only for those grams to turn into precious jewels. The villagers love him so much that they hold a meeting to discuss all the trouble and in their fear for him agree to pick up the whole village and move it.

I remember being a child and asking Mom what Jesus was like when he was little. She had to disappoint me. I imagined things kind of like this – working small miracles all the time. These stories of Krishna illuminate what Jesus' childhood might have been like. What the gospel of John lends some credence to. But the other gospels either give no hint or suggest he had no idea of his power until much later, so who knows?

One of the things I love, and which seems to me the mark of a good god, is that every enemy he bests – even purely evil demons – are not sent off to hell to be punished, or treated badly in any way. Because when they enter into the Lord's presence, they see clearly, and often they simply merge into Krishna. Isn't this wisdom? Love? True power?

Krishna takes delight in all and everything around him. He is genuinely amused and entertained by demons' attempts to murder him. They are demons, after all. They do what demons do. He is never angered, never vengeful. He is calm and never disturbed. He reaches out in love and embraces all to him. This is a loving god! A God whose mood one can be sure of.

I think the key here is non-duality. Krishna is all. He is both good and evil. There is no battle between good and evil, because there is nothing outside of God, thus nothing outside of His control. With the mystery of maya, He allows this creation to play out how it chooses to. There is complete free will. But it doesn't matter in the end, because we'll all collapse back together into one. A One that is now wiser.

I guess what I'm getting at is that at least in some parts of the Bible, one gets the distinct impression that good and evil are at war, and that one must pick a side. If you choose wrong, you'll spend eternity in hell. Even if you choose correctly, and you try your best to serve God, he may smite you for reasons you don't understand.

Especially in Calvinist Protestantism, there is an overwhelming insecurity. Was I one chosen to "get it" and be saved? Or will it make no difference how well I serve him? If I'm already predestined for hell? It really confuses me. But I bet that basic insecurity about whether one is going to heaven or hell drives most of the intolerance of Christians. Hate the Jews because they are Chosen and know for sure. Hate the Muslims because they believe they are all going to heaven. Of the monotheists in the West, only Christians can't be sure. And like miserable people everywhere, they want to take away others' happy security.

There is none of that here. Krishna extends love to all. With the confidence of a king who already knows all are His. All are HIM. Even tho Krishna is less confusingly all-deity in human form, not the fully human, fully divine combination, his point is very clear – you can be like me! You ARE me! It would be like me being jealous of my own toe, or angry at my nose for smelling a bad smell,

Oh – here is a good story for teaching children how Krishna (brahman) is all of us. One day Brahma kidnapped all the cows and all the cowherds. Not wanting anyone to worry, Krishna made himself into all the missing boys, animals, flutes, flowers, staffs, etc. For one whole year he did this, and all the parents treated their children as if they were Him, and they loved their cows as if they were Divine, because of course, they all were! For a year, everyone in the village loved as we are supposed to love, each recognizing God in the other.

3:30 Meditation went better today. Mind much less monkey-like, though I did have random images arise that my brain wanted to follow. Drowsiness a bigger opponent. But it felt very much like time well spent.

I'm up to chapter 7, in which Krishna is 12. I've followed him thru many exploits, and I'm coming to love him as much as I'd hoped. Now all the girls are becoming smitten with him a different way. Nice to have a God who flirts and will fall in love.

I wondered what would happen with all the village girls in love with Him. What he ends up doing is teaching them to expand their obsession with him into an almost ceaseless meditation. Then, when he's got them all naked, he promises Himself to them – but he teaches them that carnal love is good, but a mere shadow of the bliss of merging with and housing the divine. The divinity they, too, have within them. And then he also teaches the young men about the Lords inside themselves.

Oh! I have to comment on this! In Chapter 8, the village makes ready a sacrifice to Indra to get just enough rain. Krishna says to his father that all beings are where they are because of their karma. Karma will determine their fate as regards rain. And then he gives an explanation of meteorology, how the hill makes the clouds drop their water – so cool! And he says – what do we need Indra for? Better to celebrate the hill, the cows, the ocean, the clouds, etc.

Part of Krishna's job is clearly to teach us to look inside for God, not outside of ourselves in whimsical and demanding gods like Indra (or Yahweh).

Well, I didn't expect that! Krishna had sex with all the girls and women in the village! Even the married ones. In the B. Gita it says that He will come to each soul the way it comes to him. These women could not grasp the finer points of the philosophy or become sannyasin, but they came to him as a lover, and so he was a Lover to them! Imagine suggesting that Jesus did such a thing! : )

In the next chapter Krishna uses a delightful way to teach the gopis and us that he is still celibate. Why? How? Because those who are identified with the Self cannot be held by karma; karma does not attach to them. In the Gitas he says this over and over, but here he shows it. The laws of cause and effect do not apply when we are not invested, attached, to the action and its fruits.

June 16-18, 2007

June 16, 2007

Forgot to mention that last night I began a new ritual. I'm going to read the Upanishads – if I read anything – before going to sleep instead of whatever novel I'm reading. I only got through a few pages of the introduction in which the translator provides historical, anthropological background, context, and explaining the Vedic system. It's really complicated. I'm not sure I completely understood what I read. I don't have the book here to check, but I think the Vedas have four main branches, one coming late. And Brahmin families "owned" or belonged on only one of them. So the members of those families only would have had access to those rites, hymns and scriptures of that branch. The texts consist of the ritual instructions, the texts that explain the rituals, which I think are the Brahmanas, and then the later texts that explain the spiritual underpinnings – I mean the philosophical underpinnings – are the Upanishads. I think.

It is very interesting, and speaks to the integration of Indian philosophy at an early date, c. 1^st century BCE. From the tremendous diversity of ritual across the subcontinent, it all begins to braid together into a single strand about 2000 years ago.

Just to get a little taste, I skipped over to the first one, and it was the first two parts; how to do the horse sacrifice, and the explanation of the sacrifice, tying the horse to the creator of the world who, interestingly enough, was Death. And as far as I could tell, he created the world by giving birth to things and then eating them. For Death is also Hunger. Pretty different stuff than the Gitas!

Speaking of which, I'm ready to read the 8^th Dialogue of the Uddhava Gita.

Wow! I really like this one. Could copy the whole thing in, but that seems silly. In it, Krishna begins by teaching, again, how to liberate ourselves from the bondage of ignorance. He reminds that the gunas, which Swami Ambikananda translates as purity, passion and ignorance, rather than Miller's lucidity, passion and dark inertia – are states of the body and personality, not the Indwelling Self.

Uddhava asks Paul's question: "we know what is right; we know that pursuing pleasure only brings pain, so why do we keep doing it?" Krishna answers by explaining that the "idea-of-I" springs up in our bodies, personalities, because of the quality of rajas – passion – implicit in nature, in created things. Passion drives us and it is only by cultivating sattva – lucidity/purity – that we can overcome it. He tells a story about appearing to Brahma and the sage Sanaka in the form of Hansa, the divine swan, to teach them how to meditate, how to distinguish self from Self; and in that he reminds us all that really there is no distinction.

Recognize this truth

With a clear understanding:

All the senses perceive only me.

I alone exist.

Nothing exists besides me. v. 24

Oh, if only I could truly recognize this, and believe it, and live it! If only we all could.

[later that day] here's another Rushdie quote – "Although he kept it quiet, however, Saladin felt hourly closer to many old, rejected selves, many alternative Saladins – or rather Salahuddins – which had split off from himself as he made his various life choices, but which had apparently continued to exist, perhaps in parallel universes of quantum theory." P.523. It would be interesting, wouldn't it, if all the other selves at one point come back, come together? And more, what other selves has my Self been? I'm so eager to find out.

My meditation was so-so. Only 20 minutes because I chose the hot bedroom and the pain got too much. I began with the prayer of St. Francis but found it really distracting, so switched to my mantra and that was much better. I'm going to try to find a passage that works better for me, if I can. But when using the mantra I quickly got deep down. It was cool! Maybe I'm going to be able to do this?

June 17

Let's return to the 8^th Dialogue.

Early on, Krishna explains how sattva can overcome the other gunas and it is essentially Easwaran's eightfold program. Krishna says there are 10, because he includes water- for purity – and purifying rituals as well as the seasons, which Easwaran leaves out. The other "contributors to the predominance of any one guna" are: spiritual practices, the people with whom one associates, the activities one practices, one's initiation into the spiritual way, your manner of contemplation, the mantras you use for contemplation, and chanting v.5. We can allow sattva to grow in ourselves by nurturing whatever is sattvic in nature. He says in v.13 to sit in contemplation three times a day, dawn, noon and dusk. I'll be doing well when I can make once a firm habit, but I would love to someday be someone who sits all three.

Now back up to where we were – Krishna telling Brahma and the sages how to excape from identifying with the body, being distracted by sense objects.

Therefore, cease to identify yourself with the mind,

Which is constantly drawn to objects through the senses,

And which then gets caught up in these objects.

Instead, identify yourself entirely

With that undivided Presence v. 26

Knowing that this bondage

Is solely due to the false identification

With body and personality,

Give it up!

Identify yourself with the immortal Atman

And be free. v. 29

He makes it sound so easy! Just do it! But the illusion is a good one; the sleep a deep one. This whitethoughts seems so very real to me, especially when pain is burning a hole through all of my thoughts. Everyone promises that the changes come through practice, so I guess I just have to keep following instructions.

June 18

Speaking of meditation, I had a tough time yesterday. I'm thinking maybe I should force myself to stick to St. Francis' prayer until I've got it mastered. I am having trouble memorizing it – which is ridiculous. Part of the issue is I have 3 versions floating around in my head. Need to choose one and stick with it. For heaven's sake! I used to memorize very large chunks of text! Whole plays! Everyone's lines! This is silly. Is this just my mind making another stupid excuse? I think I need to let it know who is boss. That it can't get out of this by refusing to memorize a short passage. What happens is I forget the words or get them mixed up, and yesterday the next word finally just wouldn't come at all. After 15 minutes I got fed up and switched to the mantra for 10 minutes. It felt like giving in. I was also fighting sleep; found myself nodding off.

In my reading of the first Upanishad, the Brhadaranyaka Upanishad, I've been learning some interesting stuff. Reading these will make my re-reading of the Gitas so much richer, as I'm coming to understand more of the culture and the belief systems from which they arose. I think Patrick Olivelle, the translator, is correct in saying we shouldn't read them the way the Jewish Bible is often used by Christians; looking for support for our own modern conceptions, pulling out verses here and there to justify a position. Nevertheless, one can see the roots of certain ideas, and it is difficult not to say "Aha! They say here that Atman and Brahman are One, so it must be true!" Even though, of course, I recognize how specious an argument that is.

It is really cool to see that idea developing, however. Also to see what it is growing out of, and to begin to learn what some of the rites are that Krishna was refering to in the B. Gita when he said, "Do them, but don't get caught up in them; do them for me." And also to learn the mythology and the cosmology that explains and justifies those rites. This first one (BU), lays out a lot of the connections and homologies of the Vedic world, which are the basis of the things said in the Gitas, like about the tree and branches the three worlds, etc.

Recall I learned that Death/Hunger created the world? I forgot to mention, or I didn't really get, that Death, the Creator, IS a horse. Doesn't that seem a clear left-over from the pastoralist past of the Aryans who invaded and settled in Persia and India? Every once in awhile Olivelle shows us how a word or an idea is very similar in Ancient Persia and India. The connection is strong. And since Persia influenced Babylon and the area now Israel, one has to wonder about some Indian ideas sneaking into Hebraism and later Christianity.

What occurred to me last night was John's version of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The more I think of it, the odder it seems to me that John would refer to horses. They really don't show up often in the Bible. Donkeys and camels, yes. I vaguely recall an odd mention or two in reference to the Egyptians on horses. Did the Romans have horses? I feel like they had a horse god – Persians did, so why not Romans? Maybe horses had come to be associated by Jews with the evil oppressor? Or, maybe he saw the Indian gods coming to destroy the world, as it must in the end be destroyed to make room for the next experiment? : )

[I just did a quick google search and came across a reference that says horses appear in the prophets (Isaiah, Ezekial, Joel, I Samuel, Jeremiah, Micah), poetry (Psalms and Song of Solomen), and the histories (Esther, 1 & 2 Kings, Judges). But mentions are very rare, and almost always in the context of either war (war horses or horse and chariot), and exclusively the property of kings.]

There is a lot in this scripture that I don't understand. But one theme that is clear is that the concept of the self, atman, is developing. And the idea that the entire universe is contained in the mind of the self. For example: "This same self (atman) is the trail to this entire world, for by following it one comes to know this entire world, just as by following their tracks one finds the cattle" BU 4:7. And "If a man knows 'I am brahman' in this way, he becomes the whole world. Not even the gods are able to prevent it, for he becomes their very self (atman)" BU 4:10. "It is his self alone that a man should venerate as his world" BU 4:15. "Now, a man who knows this becomes the atman of all beings; he becomes just like this divine breath" BU 5:20.

And by the way, there has been so far no hint of ascetism. On the contrary, a man is not complete until he has a wife and wealth (4:17), and a son (5:17), and there are many references to being showered with all manner of material things.

12:30 Awesome! I made the full 30 minutes of meditating, and it went much better. I'm going to need to watch out for drowsiness almost more than anything else. Easwaran warns it is a difficult and common problem. His only advice is just sit up straight, renew and redouble one's concentration on the passage if it is still a problem, open your eyes for a minute and recite the mantram, then go back. But overall it was good. I found a compromise solution for the passage – using most of one version, but including "where conflict, harmony; and where error, truth" and using "comfort" rather than "console" in the second part from two other versions. And it worked. I went right through without stumbling twice before I began to have drowsiness issues.

But Easwaran also says that's good; it means the body is relaxing, heart rate and breath slowing, and the mind isn't throwing a thousand distractions my way. There are some. The words call up all kinds of associations but I did pretty well at keeping my mind on task. Just letting those associations come up and go away without too much attention. Biggest problem is when the next word just doesn't come, and in that space before it does I can follow an association chain or begin to go to sleep. I'm hoping that's mostly a memorization problem and will get easier as the passage gets more familiar.

After meditating I did do my half hour of exercise, too, so I'm starting to get this train on track.

May 9-12

I'm getting a bit impatient with these old ones, again, but I am torn about posting new things based on scripture I'm reading, and don't have a lot of time all of the time anyway, so I'm just going to speed up the release schedule. At least for now.

May 9, 2007

Let me get in a little of the 9^th Teaching. I'd left off right before verse four. In it he says that "all creatures exist in me, but I do not exist in them." This is after he's already told us that our innermost selves, Atman, is him, so he is in us.

Behold the power of my discipline;

These creatures are not really in me;

My self quickens creatures,

Sustaining them without being in them.

Then in v. 6 he says again that creatures are in him. I guess what he must be getting at is that the way this is – is beyond our ability to conceptualize. Maybe the laws of our universe, or the nature of our brains, prevent us from being able, truly, to get it. To even make a concept about it. And therefore, there's no point getting hung up on who exists in whom.

What we should look at is what he's trying to teach us about detachment, about action without desire. Because he begins with "behold my discipline" I can create whole worlds, full of creatures who are each a soul, each part of me. Creatures who are cute and noble and tragic and evil – I can create them and care for them and watch them without attachment! Without getting involved, without saving individuals from hardship or death or (listen, girl!) from their own terrible, stupid decisions. That is a feat! I think that is the larger point he's making but maybe I'm missing something.

May 12

Still in the Ninth Teaching, the Sublime Mystery. I believe I had written that Krishna was showing us the art of detachment. But then he continues to discuss his true nature – as something beyond nature. He talks about those who are deluded, but also about those who, seeking Truth, end up worshipping Krishna through the means available to them in their cultures. At least, that's how I read it.

Sacrificing through knowledge,

Others worship my universal presence

In its unity

And in its many different aspects. v. 15

Krishna is saying that people who are devout, in whatever "religion" they practice, are indeed being heard by Truth, or the Absolute Reality, Universal Being.

However, he is also saying that those who get stuck on the image, the particular aspect, will have a limited reward. Remember the video [one of a series created for public television I believe - or BBC? - with David Carradine as narrator], a Hindu guru explains that the gods are fingers pointing the way to liberation, to Nirguna Brahman, but some people get hung up looking at the finger, instead of looking where it is pointing.

And that's okay. Krishna says if that is what you want, take it, be happy with it, enjoy it. But know that its joys are limited. You'll find yourself again searching. "When they have long enjoyed the world of heaven and their merit is exhausted, they enter the natural world." v.21

Applied to narrow-minded Christians (or Muslims or members of any faith), he's saying if their reward, the thing they long for is a heaven with literal streets of gold, angels with halos and pearly gates, then that is what they will have. But even that will one day pall, be unsatisfying, and they'll find themselves wanting more.

We get what we want. Over and over, until we finally learn to want the things that will satisfy us. Oh – a good food analogy: you can (and I do) crave brownies and cake and French fries. And you can have those things. All you want. But if you are maturing, then eventually you'll become aware how unsatisfyig those foods are, how they are not actually nourishing your body, how they weren't intended to keep your system running. So eventually they will make you unwell. As you become wiser, you realize you need food with nutrients, and you begin to crave healthy foods. And when you eat them, they are deeply satisfying, as your cells quickly respond and grab what they need from the food and use the nutrients to repair and build a healthy, well-functioning body.

May 6-7, 2007

It is still warm! In fact, it is supposed to be 50 degrees today! It has been raining, which has been helping to melt some of the snow piles. The street actually looks strange; I hadn't realized how thick the layer of ice and snow was until there were big cracks and holes in it. We had been driving on a good 4 or more inches. It was pretty cool to see the melting start to make grooves in it, mapping networks to the sewer grates that people like Jim had cleared the ice from with shovels. And on the main streets, we have full lanes back - almost - on the sides nearest the curbs. Sorry to go on and on, but the melting is just so wonderful I can't help myself : )

I will try not to be sad when the temperature drops back to 16 on Friday. I hope everyone reading is having weather they appreciate, too.

May 6, 2007

With all the craziness of last week, classes ending and getting the grading done, etc., you know what I almost forgot? Almost nicely and sneakily put out of mind the fact that I promised myself and the Universe that I would begin to meditate when classes were over. No more excuses. I've picked up that progress in the goals of meditation takes a long time. So I need to get started on it right now. Maybe it is that gains will be so slow in coming, and I, like my compatriots, am dedicated to instant gratification. But I don't know that it will be slow. I might see some slight improvement right away. I won't know until I begin to do it every day.

What I need to do is think about and remember the journey into me that began when I first met my own eyes. This is the same thing, but without looking. It's turning inside, to explore the me in there. How can that not be exciting? Knowing from my experience that god is waiting for me in there? Why am I not racing to find him/her/it/me? I'm not sure, but it doesn't matter, because I am not going to allow that part of me to run my life anymore.

Oh! I just had this vision/understanding of a big wall of invisible pressure that keeps us all from looking too hard for God, and realized that Hinduism accounts for it; if God is hiding itself from itself, It wouldn't want the game to be over too quickly, so of course there would be some kind of thing, which I'm seeing as a kind of energy shield because of my cultural milieu. And then it hit me – oh – this is what Krishna meant when he said "My divine magic is hard to escape; but those who seek refuge in me cross over this magic." Or at least, it's part of what he meant.

So, take refuge! There is the bridge – just walk over it. I'm not sure right when I wake up is best, because the pain is so intense, and when it isn't its sometimes hard to wake up due to the drugs. But I'll figure out a good time and do it.

As the Eighth Teaching goes on, Krishna details how to be sure that you will join him at the time of death, thus escaping re-birth. I don't know that I'm ready to forsake life. I like life, even with all its suffering and tribulation. But I would like my next life to be one in which I am able to devote myself more fully to this, to understanding how it all works, and to jnana yoga. Of course, I'm terrified to ask for that, because I know what happens when we ask for patience or humility; we are given a thousand things that make us/tempt us to be impatient, or a hundred things to humiliate us.

But earlier Krishna promised a higher birth, one in which material needs are provided for. I'd like that one, please! On the other hand, it would be lovely to go to god and know all the answers to every question, to see everyone, in all their lives and understand the pattern. But won't that come eventually, anyway? Of course. And I do love life.

To get either place one must follow Krishna's directions. And again he sounds like Jesus: "Therefore, at all times remember me and fight; mind and understanding fixed on me, free from doubt, you will come to me" v. 7 Next he offers this promise, or just statement of fact:

Disciplined through practice,

Her reason never straying,

Meditating, one reaches

The supreme divine spirit of man.

Disciplined through practice! It isn't going to happen any other way girl! You must practice being one-pointed through meditation. And I will find, if I do, that Me that is the best Me. This beautiful verse:

One should remember

Man's spirit as the guide,

The primordial poet,

Smaller than an atom,

Grants of all things,

In form inconceivable,

The color of the sun

Beyond darkness.

Follow the inner me, the one who creates this life for me. She grants all things. Beg her for self-discipline. Entreat her to meet me half way. To help me arrange my life in such a way that I devote myself to all my sacred duties.

It sounds weird, doesn't it? And if someone read this journal (blog) without the context it might sound as if I've lost my mind and become so egotistic, so full of delusions of grandeur. But even Judaism says we are higher than and more beloved than angels, and Christianity follows with the belief that we are made in God's image. Islam places humans even higher. I'm human! However, I am not even talking about manifest nature, this body and this person. I'm talking about the God inside me. Whom I know to be there, but do not really know. This is really helpful to me, to think of Her as the guide. I think it will help me get somewhere.

Krishna gives instructions on how to meditate, which echo Easwaran (or other way around) and he says it's easy! We'll see! But then he goes on to discuss cosmology, the way the Universe is set up. It's fascinating. It got me thinking about What the Bleep Do We Know [a DVD I highly recommend if you haven't yet seen it] and physics, and how Krishna may be referring here to clues to the physics. I definitely think that if I were a theoretical physicist working on quantum and string theories, I'd be giving these statements a lot of thought.

Krishna does put himself above Brahma here, so one can see where the Hare Krishnas get that. But he also says Arjuna, us – we are above Brahma. So I think what he is saying is that Brahma is an idea to help us understand. Because first, Krishna talks about how Big and Long – no, Vast, Brahma is: each day and night stretches over a thousand eons (take that Bishop Usher!). And that really means even longer than eons, because creation, the entire Universe, is brought into being at Brahma's dawn, and falls apart, is dismantled at the beginning of Brahma's Night. But then creation and all the creatures are born again at Brahma's next dawn.

Beyond this unmanifest nature

Is another unmanifest existence,

A timeless being that does not perish

When all creatures perish

It is called eternal unmanifest nature,

What men call the highest way,

The goal from which they do not return;

This highest realm is mine.

It is man's highest spirit,

Won by singular devotion, Arjuna,

In whom creatures rest

And the whole universe extends. v. 20-22

Universes within universes, isn't it? Or not, because this being outside of the universe is impossible to conceive with this human mind. But it seems clear to me that Krishna is saying that it isn't just that he is Lord of that realm, or just that humans can get there by devotion, but he seems to be saying that in some mystical, impossible-to-grasp way, humans are that place! Right? "It is man's highest spirit . . in whom creatures rest and the whole universe extends." Wow. There isn't much more one can say. Wow.

One last thing before I go. This teaching concludes by saying that even once men understand this, who "know the infinite spirt" v.24, they still might not rejoin that unmanifest existence, and it has to do with when they die. If we die at one time, during the "light" period (which could include bright lunar night) during the "sun's six-month northward course" v.24, we "reach infinity." But if we die during the dark period, we "reach the moon's light and return" v. 25. Is this just mystical gobbeldy-gook? Or is Krishna pointing out some feature of physics? Moreover, I think he might be saying there is a choice:

These bright and dark pathways

Are deemed constant for the universe;

By one, a man escapes rebirth;

By the other, he is born again.

No man of discipline is deluded

When he knows these two paths. v.27

Maybe he is stating a fact about the way the material universe is constructed and is telling us to know these pathways and choose the time of our death appropriately. [Since I have been studying the Upanishads I've found some early references to these paths of the moon and to the role the moon plays in reincarnation.] It's funny that it seems like here is an answer to my earlier dilemma about both seeking to know God with all my self, and also loving life. Maybe we can reach liberation, moksha, and still return to play the game if we are still enjoying it. Why not? You really can have what you want in Hinduism!

May 7

The Ninth Teaching: The Sublime Mystery

Mystery is certainly a good word for it! I feel like I wrote nearly the same thing last time though. Krishna seems to contradict himself, or offer a paradox, and again I'm longing for the Sanskrit, to see which words he used. I really need at least another, different translation. Not that this one isn't good, but one decision of hers I question is to always translate a word the same way. So jnana is always translated as knowledge, yoga always discipline, brahman as infinite spirit, etc. But words have various shades of meaning, especially a word like karma, which I've seen transliterated as work, action, cause and effect, sacred law, etc. I think she sometimes loses or twists meaning away from the original intent by using the same word; a different word would more accurately reflect the intended meaning.

Anyway, it would be lovely to have another translation, especially one written by a Hindu. This teaching has some confusing verses. Recall, Krishna is telling Arjuna more about who he truly is, and that realm of existence (his, ours) that is beyond life and death. And he reminds him how important meditation is, of course. And the rest will have to wait. I've read the whole thing twice, but I have to meditate and then go to work now.

April 27-28, 2007

April 27, 2007

The Fifth Teaching – Renunciation of Action

Arjuna asks for clarification: Which is better, discipline or renunciation of action? Krishna responds right away that disciplined action is better than non-action. Explains Ghandi better.

Aha! And here is where Krishna clearly says that if you follow raja or jnana yoga you'll end up practicing both; they lead to the same place:

Simpletons separate philosophy [jnana]

And discipline [raja], but the learned do not;

Applying one correctly, a man

Finds the fruit of both. v. 4

And:

Renunciation is difficult to attain

Without discipline;

A sage armed with discipline

Soon reaches the infinite spirit. v.6

One cannot really let go of desire and attachment, (preference), without discipline, which in this case means yoga – jnana, karma, or raja – meditation and/or one-pointed devotion. As part of seeking, one should meditate using raja yoga, and also do what is taught in the Upanishads – jnana yoga, or reflection on the fact that one's self is not one's true Self.

Seeing, hearing, touching, smelling,

Eating, walking, sleeping, breathing,

The disciplined man who knows reality

Should think "I do nothing at all."

When we engage with sense objects – eating Cheerios, standing in front of the class, etc., we should think, "It is the senses that engage with sense objects." Not I. I am something other than what I feel, sense, taste, do.

And a reminder of what it is like if we don't – we are then driven by our desires – to eat pie and ice cream, to have sex, to be loved by students. Desire drives us from one thing to another; we are not in control of them, freely choosing which things would be good to do.

Relinquishing the fruit of action

The disciplined man attains perfect peace;

The undisciplined man is in bondage,

Attached to the fruit of his desire.

The only way to get that peace, to be successful in letting go of the pleasures and pains of the senses is to meditate. To be disciplined. One learns through meditation, and it alone, that one should and can run one's own brain. We do not have to allow the mind to think three thoughts at once, to yell about what it wants. Through meditating we come to realize we can, and begin to do these renunciations. First one must control one's thoughts, then one's senses, and ultimately, one's desires.

I have been doing it on and off – and I have one more week of classes, so one more week to play at it this way. Then no more excuses.

April 28

Have been up since 6, talking to J. First about the government and the new corruptions and atrocities each of us learned about yesterday, then switched into religion, since I wanted to share my insight of last night with him, and then it went from there to range widely but ended with the subject that we need a community of fellow believers/seekers. J is using the web now to try and find something – a temple, a meditation center, something.

It is so difficult to not be outraged at our government. Last night I was thinking about my tendency to see this administration as the worst ever. And I realized (again) that it is nearly always this bad. As long as there have been states, there have been corrupt, evil, exploitative people. The little people have been robbed, abused, exploited, lied to and more by the people they trust to protect them. I'm sure there are cycles – one can see them all through history – of times that are really bad and times that are better, but it probably isn't worse now than at many times in history.

It is important to know that, because it makes clear that I can't use these terrible times as an excuse. Things were really awful in China at the time Lao-tzu wrote that we must accept things the way they are. What does it mean that things are always bad all over? It doesn't mean we shouldn't fight, or there would be no balance. The bad guys would win. What it might mean is that the world is supposed to be like this. It is a training ground, remember? A chess game. If the two sides in a chess game were just having a picnic together, instead of fighting one another, there'd be no game, thus no point in playing it.

So we are exactly at where the Gita begins: I must do my dharma, my sacred duty, by picking a side and staying on it, fighting for it with my body – my senses, intelligence, actions – but at the same time accept how things are. Act with the body because it is the right thing to do, but do not expect or even desire, a particular outcome. Remember that ultimately, I am not the chess piece, down in the muck of battle, but the player – which means I am God itself, and I am Bush and Rumsfeld and Erik Prince as much as I am whitethoughts. Wow. I just had a split-second of truly grokking that. So back to our study of the Gita. The second stanza from where we left off:

The lord of the world

Does not create agency or actions,

Or a union of fruits with actions;

But his being unfolds into existence. v 14

Whoa, so in this version of creation even Brahman, God, does not act. He/It/She did not create the world; rather it came to be out of God. It naturally unfolds out of God because that is what God is. So you can't really say, for example, that an ember that shoots out of the fire was "created" by the fire – at least not in the purposeful way people usually mean. They mean that God thought out, designed, planned a universe, and purposely brought it into being. Not with hammer and nails but something like it.

But what if the meaning is closer to that of "the fire created the ember"? That's true, there wouldn't have been an ember without a fire; the fire is it's Source. And thus the ember has the qualities of the fire, is part of the fire.

Krishna is also saying God did not create cause and effect, it is simply How It Is, how god-stuff is structured. God didn't make a list and say "I like these things, I'll call them good and reward humans for them." Or "I don't like that so I'll call it bad and punish those who do it." No! It just is.

All the next 4 stanzas are wonderful, saying once you realize this, realize you are in fact the fire, god, then life becomes really sweet. Full of light. Knowledge "illumines ultimate reality" like the sun. One's atman, god-self, becomes one's identity, and "that becomes their understanding, their self, their basis, and then goal, and they reach a state beyond return." I guess that means they can never go back to seeing the old way; the new/old, real self connot fit back into the tiny ego. And then they see all as one.

If you didn't understand the context, you might read this next first line as life-denying, see Hinduism as joyless, but that isn't what it means at all.

He should not rejoice in what he loves

Nor recoil from what disgusts him,

Secure in understanding, undeluded, knowing

The infinite spirit, he abides in it. v.20

Detached from external contacts,

She discovers joy in herself;

Joined by discipline to the infinite spirit

The self attains inexhaustible joy. v.21

So far from being grim! Or selfish, as one might also read it. It means don't rejoice in what one loves more than you rejoice at what you don't love. Obviously I'm not even close to being there, but I get it. Intellectually. Back to the chess game. If you are playing both sides, it doesn't make much sense to rejoice at one side's winning move, when that means failure to the other side. Don't be swayed by emotions, it also means.

And then the promise: through disciplined meditation, you can use the link inside you, that piece of god to unite with Ultimate Reality. There is a well inside each of us, a well of infinite, brilliant joy. It takes discipline, practice, effort. But once found, one can drink from it as much and as often as one likes. Repeated trips to the well beats a path to it, strenthens leg muscles, so the more you walk the path, the easier it is to go there.

Inexhaustible joy. Whenever we want it. Who would forgo that in order to continue hating and despising one's fellow humans? The answer to how to deal with corruption, waste, dishonesty, etc., is to fight them with the body, sure, we've established that. But really the answer that will sustain you through all battles is – meditate! Discipline the mind and find one's way to the well. Tapping into infinite joy will make things not only bearable but acceptable, understandable. The following stanzas essentially say that. A person "able to endure the force of desire and anger" will be joyful.

The man of discipline has joy,

Delight and light within

Becoming the infinte spirit,

He finds the pure calm of infinity.

Hardly a life and joy-denying religion.

I was just thinking about how I've been guilty of pulling Bible verses out of context to "prove" something negative about the Bible to Mom or Dad and being reminded that it isn't fair or truthful practice. It is easier now to imagine someone like Mom finding comfort in the very verses I didn't like, because like these lines in the Gita, they are leading up to something bigger, a seeming paradox, perhaps. Don't rejoice in what you love . . . because controlling your preferences will lead you to TRUE, infinite joy:

The pure calm of infinity

Exists for the ascetic

Who disarms desire and anger,

Controls reason and knows the self v.26

I don't know if one truly must become an ascetic fully, but again, desire and anger must be disarmed. Okay, we can easily understand that (if not do it!). but control reason?

J and I were just discussing ways faith is hard for us, especially J, because of our intuitive grasps of logic, and especially for J – dedication to rational, deductive thought. So what is the Gita saying here? It is an immanently reasonable document, which largely tells people to think for themselves. But here reason must be controlled. "Truly free is the sage who controls his senses, mind and understanding, who focuses on freedom and dispels desire, fear and anger" v. 28.

I'll keep pondering. I think I know the answer to my question but don't feel like writing it out. I also haven't written out all my meeting with Phyllis and some other things, but I feel eager to get to work.