Pre-Op

I have been thinking and even writing quite a few "blog-worthy" things the last few days, but I haven't quite got in the habit of writing on the computer. I still turn to my journal first. It may have something to do with the size of my laptop and the difficulties inherent in holding it in my lap. In any case, an update is due.

I am scheduled for a total abdominal hysterectomy on Monday the 13th. I spent the last week or so arranging for my classes to be covered and prepping my on-line course ahead as far as possible, etc. Surgeon says I won't be doing a full-day's work for at least four weeks. It is a little intimidating. While on one hand I am near-desperate to have it done and feel almost ready to grab a knife and do the operation myself . . . on the other I still ask myself if I am doing the right thing and I tremble at the thought of feeling that weak for that long. It is hard to wrap my head around four to eight weeks of recovery time. Missing out on the end - the best time - of the semester. When you've brought your students through all the hard parts and it is really paying off in sophisticated analysis and critical interpretation.

So I am dealing with it by reminding myself that I would not - am not - giving my students the best of me in any case. I would be suffering through that 4-8 week period anyway. My body has no trouble reminding me of that. And I am putting myself in mental, emotional and to an extent physical training for healing after the surgery.

I am dedicated to health. To being healthy. To being the living embodiment of health. It has begun to really sink in that I do not have to accept anything less than perfect functioning of this temple of god that I'm in. I'm not quite sure when I allowed myself to beging believing that the PHN was a permanent condition, but things went downhill from there.

I am trying to see this surgery and the recovery period as an opportunity to truly change the relationship I have with my body and with my health. I am doing a number of things to try to foster that. I've been continuining the things I've talked about some here (and that I hope to talk more about while I'm recuperating) like yoga and meditation and continuing study of sacred texts that are meaningful and helpful like the Gitas. But I am also participating in a very neat visualization/mind-body healing program offered by the Rehab Center of the hospital.

It has some fairly standard relaxation techniques, and visualizing oneself healed, along with walking yourself through getting to know and have discussions with the hurting parts of your body. That latter is something I can certainly use help with. It also has a component of asking for support; that involves requestion that people who love you send their love in a warm blanket of color (I choose peachy-pink) half an hour before surgery (7 am Central Daylight Savings Time for anyone who feels like participating - I will take all the love and healing thoughts I can get). It is hard for me to ask for this - or anything. But I am and will be grateful.

Another very cool part is that the circulating nurse will read five healing statements to me (4 are pre-selected and one I write myself) as I am going under anaesthetic and while I am under. A great many studies have demonstrated that we do hear what is going on while we are under, and it does have an amazing effect on us. For example, people who are told they will heal well do actually heal faster in controlled studies. Other studies have people using less medication, getting out of the hospital faster, having fewer side effects, and all kinds of things. Anecdotal stories also reveal the opposite; when people hear their doctors saying "Oops" or "This looks bad" or other negative things, they heal more slowly, are depressed, use more pain medication, etc.

So what I decided is that in addition to the statements that suggest I will heal well, quickly, need little medication and have no complications, why not also plant the idea that as I heal from the surgery, I will also heal from the post-herpetic neuralgia? It can't hurt, right? I am working on how to phrase it; it needs to be wholly positive and not mention pain (what happens when you say "don't think about pink elephants"?). Maybe something like "You will be whole and free of all medications forever." Or "All of your cells will work together as a field to be free and healthy for a long life." That means something to me and my body - we've been reading about the body as a quantum field which ties into the way Krishna talks about the body, too. Anyone else have any good wordsmithing for me?

I am asking for help. Hard for me, but I am learning to be humble. I've eaten a lot of crow this semester already, and as I head into this period where wiping my own bum is going to be difficult I expect I'll learn even more about humility.

I'll try to post again before the big day. Thanks for still reading - Hopefully I'll be able to say something a little more profound one of these days : )