Plowing through the Pain last March 14-18

Wow, all of my family and friends have been writing such interesting and thought-provoking blogs that I feel guilty for just posting old thoughts on my own. Nevertheless, once begun, I feel I must finish, and since I stopped keeping a journal somewhere early last fall, we are nearly done. I've been catching up on everyone else's blogs, and mulling over what I want to comment on. And I ought to have some pictures to put up here soon, too. There will be some new entries on my professional blogs soon, for those who follow those, as well. Busy times! But I can't tell you all how wonderful it is to wake up in the morning and know that the day is mine! All mine! I can do with it whatever I want! Starting tomorrow, that will have to include work, but it can be whichever work I want! What luxury.

March 14, 2007

49

The Master has no mind of her own.

She works with the mind of the people.

She is good to people who are good.

She is also good to people who aren't good.

This is true goodness.

She trusts people who are trustworthy.

She also trusts people who aren't trustworthy.

This is true trust.

The Master's mind is like space.

People don't understand her.

They look to her and wait.

She treats them like her own children.

Like Jesus' teachings, and those of all wise men, much more than the golden rule – trust even those you know will lie to you. And maybe, eventually, they won't.

The first verse is a little difficult. Maybe it is like my teaching philosophy; instead of concentrating on what YOU know, and want them to know, concentrate on where THEY are and what they are thinking. Lead them to make their own discoveries.

March 15

50

The Master gives herself up

To whatever the moment brings.

She knows that she is going to die,

And she has nothing left to hold on to:

No illusions in her mind,

No resistances in her body.

She doesn't think about her actions;

They flow from the core of her being.

She holds nothing back from life;

Therefore she is ready for death,

As a man is ready for sleep

After a good day's work.

Boy, I have a lot of work to do before I'm here. Over the last two years I've gotten better. Since I began reading the Gita, I think. I began to work at it – by which I mean try to be aware and to change my behavior when I catch it – being more present in the moment, giving my whole self to whatever was happening right then.

I know I began to give my cat more attention, to stop my scurrying from one project to the next and give her what she needed. And I do things like, when Jim starts telling me something from the paper, I put my pen down and try to give him my full attention. But only once or twice per morning. I fear he would read the whole paper to me and I would have no time left to write or read, and I am still clinging to that. I don't want to give it up. I did when we were first married. In fact, I didn't keep a journal for 8 years, except when I was away from home. I wanted to give my attention to him, and share the morning with him in that way. I have tried to maintain some balance, but I have so little time any more for anything that feeds my soul – little snatches of minutes in the morning to read and write, no time ever to be alone.

The pain complicates everything. It so limits my energy that I feel I can't give up any of it when there is work to be done. And it sometimes makes it impossible to lie down or stay sitting or whatever it is. But I can do better. I can do better in every area – give myself more fully to my students, for example. Some days I do great – become utterly lost in the class and the students. But what about the times I am thinking about the next class or the next lesson or the meeting later, etc.? Especially in that first class of the day. Maybe if I was more fully present with them I would be able to figure out how to reach them better.

Of course I "know" that I am going to die. But do I really know it? I doubt it. If I did, I wouldn't take some things so seriously. The idea of having nothing left to hold on to is frightening. I'm still clinging to so many things – to Jim, my cats, my Mom and sisters, and nieces and nephews and Dad (maybe even more to my illusions about him), my books and writing and students and research and doing a good job and getting tenure and Morrowind and Pogo badges (tho I've let them go to a considerable extent), and the list could go on and on.

I understand that all religions say I have to let those things go. Of course we will all face the day when we will be forced by death to lose them. How much better if we can prepare by letting go of them ourselves? And I believe what the Buddha and all the sannyasin have found, that by letting go, by stopping our attempts to "own" things and people, we become able to appreciate them so much more. But trusting that is hard. Very difficult to just let go of people you love, and all the material things that promise protection and comfort. So, a lot of work right there in letting go of these things. But wait . . . there's more!

We are also to have let go of all the illusions in our minds and the resistances of our bodies. Where to even begin? My body had resistances even before this pain. And now? Its one big knot of resistance.

Isn't it amazing and kind of disheartening that I still – just a day later – was still talking about all of this stuff as "work"? It is so hard to change a lifetime pattern.

March 16

[I had a thoracic epidural on the 13^th, and had been waiting to see if it would help]. I'm worn out by pain and lack of sleep. Can't really think straight. Maybe I might be able to get away with lying on the couch with my novel for a bit this morning before I get back to grading? I feel trapped – caged – by pain. There is no escape now. My side hurts all the way around from breastbone to spine, and then there's the spine itself. This morning I discovered the reason for my hand's tenderness – my left hand, where the nurse hit a valve – has a large, deep bruise, the entire space of the back of my palm. Because I needed one more voice in the orchestra of pain.

51

Every being in the universe

Is an expression of the Tao.

It springs into existence,

Unconscious, perfect, free,

Takes on a physical body,

Lets circumstances complete it.

That is why every being

Spontaneously honors the Tao.

The Tao gives birth to all beings,

Nourishes them, maintains them,

Cares for them, comforts them, protects them,

Takes them back to itself,

Creating without posessing,

Acting without expecting,

Guiding without interfering.

That is why the love of the Tao

Is in the very nature of things.

What I first thought was, "How is this different from the sayings of the Upanishads?" Really it's the same idea. And the second part is very like the Judeo-Christian-Muslim God, except that Yahweh is posessive, expectant and interfering. This, next to the Tao and Brahman, makes him look young, childish. Not modeling what he demands of his creations. I'm sure faithful Christians would see it differently, have a different way of explaining it. But the ones that I know do not know the other wisdom literature for comparison. I don't even know any right now that I can talk to and ask questions of that would not be defensive no matter how I put the questions.

March 17

St. Patrick's Day. 4:30 am. I am in a ridiculous amount of pain. I have really been trying to give the epidural the benefit of the doubt. I've been trying not to complain too much, to believe that it is helping, or at least not hurting. But the pain was awful all day yesterday, and woke me every two hours all night, and at 4:15 I could no longer take it. I'm not sure if the pain in my side was made worse by the shot; it hurt so badly before. But my spine is now a burning rod of fire. So maybe that pain itself has triggered the side, or maybe it all has generalized, flowed together, or maybe the epidural actually stimulated the virus again. Who knows? I just know it is close to unbearable.

I've tried self-relaxation and self-hypnosis techniques, which do help me bear it for a little while. But only a little while, while I'm doing them. For now I feel I just have to get up when it is bad, take meds, and sleep when I can. Try not to get too stressed about the lack of sleep, because the stress will only make it worse. Just do work when the meds have provided some relief, and sleep when possible in the daytime.

53

The Great Way is easy,

Yet people prefer the side paths.

Be aware when things are out of balance,

Stay centered within the Tao.

When rich speculators prosper

While farmers lose their land;

When government officials spend money

On weapons instead of cures;

When the upper class is extravagent and irresponsible

Whle the poor people have nowhere to turn –

All of this is robbery and chaos.

It is not in keeping with the Tao.

Isn't it amazing how much alike all the great religions, all the wise people of every tradition say basically the same thing about wealth and power? Yet our country continues to tick along believing socialism is the great Evil!

This is phrased differently than the Bible. Jesus said the way to perdition is broad, and the way to truth is narrow. Buddha said something similar to Jesus. But Lao-tzu, in keeping with the Taoist belief that life is easy (or should be), says the Way is easy – implying it is broad. Instead of having to work hard to do the right thing, he's saying it's actually harder to step off the Path. You have to work at being bad. What a different, and refreshing and hopeful way of looking at things. Life is easy. It is easy to do good, easy to be one's true self. There is a lot of room for you; you do not have to duck overhanging branches and skirt briars and cling to scrubs on narrow mountain passes, which is how I've always pictured Jesus' narrow path.

At the root they are saying the same thing; more people choose to take the wrong path. But I love the idea that the right way is a broad, paved (or smooth) road, with only gentle rises and large shoulders. Plenty of room, not too demanding. The side paths look interesting to us – maybe because they are hard. But we make that trouble for ourselves. It doesn't have to be that way. And while I'm probably not ready to completely let go of the side paths, I feel like I'm on one that crosses and runs close to the broad Way, so I can step onto it easily at times, or with less effort than before. If I would follow up on my commitment to meditate, I'd probably step on and maybe even walk a little on the Way more often.

I feel gentler in my soul. Less angry and stressed and confused. More trusting that it will all work out, more accepting of the way things are, more fully present more often. I am learning some of these lessons, slowly. I feel myself changing and I really like it. I wish I could make myself meditate. I think it is a matter of getting it into my routine. Plan it. But there is the problem. When? Where? When I first wake up I'm in too much pain. I love drinking my coffee and reading and writing, and I don't want to give that up. It's good for me, too. Go to work, come home, Jim feeds me dinner, and then we just veg on the couch – maybe work a little more, til it is time to go to bed. So that is really the only time I have for meditation and/or exercise. Sometimes there are shows I want to watch; mostly I want to spend time with Jim and just relax, just chill, because I'm exhausted and often in significant pain.

The Great Way is easy! All I have to do is step on to it. To move on, I am aware that things are very unbalanced, in the world and in my life. It is appropriate that in this phase of life I put most of my time and energy into work. The lack of effort I put into friendships and relationships with family is out of balance. The ration of sweet things and vegetables is lopsides. The affection I give the cats and my husband is unbalanced. I am aware, and am trying to step back into the center.

The world is so completely unbalanced that we've near destroyed it. Considering that Lao-tzu lived 2500 years ago, and knew of the corruptio and evil then, one must wonder if the world has ever been in balance. At least since there have been humans. Human beings are the flaw in the system. We have too much brain, too much power for the world to be balanced with us in it. The closes we can get, maybe, is humans on one side of the scale, and every thing else on the other. Maybe that is our central task, to find that balance. If so, we're screwed. I think we are further away from that than ever.

March 18

Speaking of similarities, this one is close to Jesus' parable:

54

Whatever is planted in the Tao

Will not be rooted up.

Whoever embraces the Tao

Will not slip away.

Her name will be held in honour

From generation to generation.

Let the Tao be present in your life

And you will become genuine.

Let it be present in your family

And your family will flourish.

Let it be present in your country

And your country will be an example

To all countries in the world.

Let it be present in the Universe

And the universe will sing.

How do I know this is true?

By looking inside myself.

I sometimes want to share these things with Mom, but I don't in any way want her to feel like I'm trying to pull her away from Christianity, or start an argument. I just want to share them, so she can marvel too, and can know me better, my spiritual journey.

Well, back to the meaning. How do I root and center my life in the Tao? How do I let it be present in my life, my family, my country, my universe? Isn't it always present? The Tao is not a person. So praying, which would be the answer in monotheistic and polytheistic and every other system, is not useful, really.

Meditation. We always come back to the same place. Look inside yourself. Drat! What is it? Am I just lazy? No way. Look at how hard I work. I cannot tell myself that old lie any more. I am afraid of something. Maybe just change. Maybe I know it will irrevokably change me and that scares me. Okay. Need to be aware and think that through.

I’m Back! With my verdict on Taoism (for me)

Wow, it has been a really long time since I have posted! I have been more than swamped at work. End of semester and all that. This year has been challenging. Bit off more than I could chew in all sorts of ways. I'm eager to be able to blog about things that are occuring in my life now, today, but also to finish up the old journals and bring everyone up to date. So here is the next installment, and I hope I will be able to keep them coming more regularly now that summer is here at last. They say that the weather is going to reflect the fact soon, though we are still putting on coats and scarves in the mornings . . .

March 12, 2007

[We had finally seen An Inconvenient Truth the night before, so I wrote for several pages about that]. As Jim said last night, you'd think the religious right would jump on all of this as evidence of the end of the world, the End Times, as predicted in The Revelation. But because of the peculiar shape of the partisan discourse in this country, the strange bed-fellows, they can't. It is kind of ironic, actually. With all of that [the economic and environmental disasters I had just finished detailing] coming down the pike, how can we calmly believe that everything is as it should be? How do we say, "yep, I accept the world exactly as it is?" Because it isn't only the human sorrows, it is the extinction of masses of animal species, for one. No more polar bears, ever again. It is the death of many plants and insects. It is the ruination of our beautiful home.

The movie was very effective in showing this. It ended with a satellite picture of Earth, and I felt such a pang of love and sorrow. This is our home, our Garden of Eden, of such incredible beauty. Unspeakably marvelous in so many ways. How can we have treated her so badly? How can we have been so cavalier? We were given a perfect gift, and just trashed it. But Lao-tzu says we must accept things as they are. Is this what the Source wanted? I was thinking this morning about how there is a lot to be learned from all of this about evil in the world. Reviewing my understanding that you can't have heroism without fear, love without sorrow and pain, perseverance without obstacles. And I'm sure it is instructive to be inside evil people; to watch how they become that way, what motivates them, and how they feel. So if we are all One, or the One split and became all of us, then I can understand how all of this would help an entity learn about itself. But surely good will win, won't it? If the Entity knows all of the wisdom we have access to, then surely it must know the value of goodness. That even if this earth is destroyed in the process, the Source will be better for it. That's the only way I can even begin to follow the advice to accept things as they are. Or believe the world is exactly as it should be.

47

Without opening your door,

You can open your heart to the world.

Without looking out the window,

You can see the essence of the Tao.

The more you know,

The less you understand.

The Master arrives without leaving,

Sees the light without looking,

Achieves without doing a thing.

Is this apt, or what? Plus, just before I opened the Tao, I went out to smoke and in my novel read an argument about the pleasures and wonders of the world, and whether you can find them inside or outside.

I can open my heart to the world. I do. And I suppose I am seeing the essence of the Tao, although I don't always let myself, when I get caught up in the ugliness without remembering that it is part of the Tao, or when I am just so busy worrying about my little life that I don't see anything at all.

Definitely, the more I know, the less I understand. All of the new knowledge I got last night made me understand even less about human nature and about the nature of the Tao, or the Ultimate Source. As I've been writing all morning, trying to work toward understanding. And I got to a place, a resolution, I can at least live with for right now.

I do think that meditation is going to be necessary. I can't learn too much more, or gain much better of an understanding, without beginning to explore my inner self. So why am I not doing it? I've known for long time that's what I need to do. And now I even have a CD to listen to. I just have to make the commitment and do it.

March 13
Yesterday I did listen to the CD before I went to work, and it was good! I really like the woman's voice, and she's saying a lot of things I've been trying to tell myself I need to hear. The subject is empowerment, so there are a lot of "you are powerful, confident, sure" and "tenacious, persevering, you stand up for yourself, say no when it is in your best interest." But there are others about being gentle and compassionate with yourself and others, making time to do the things that replenish you. "You say yes to life." "You make room in your life for miracles, for abundance. Abundant joy, love, sex and wealth. You accept things the way they are. You let go of negative thoughts." It just repeats itself over and over, so I'll soon have it memorized. I want my soul to have it memorized, the cells in my body to have it memorized. We have a lot of work to do to replace all the old tapes. I started working on that when I was 19-20. Ten years or so to get in there in the first place. Though that isn't true. I guess some of it I was learning from infancy and all the way up to 22. And some of it, whatever I still have to get rid of, has been there for close to 38 years.

I am so much healthier than I was even ten years ago, and almost a wholly different person than I was at 21. Not completely, of course, but I had so many more negative beliefs about myself than I do now. This is great to remember. It is proof that I can change. I can learn to love myself, and thus be more able to love others. I can learn to stop treating my body as the enemy. It can even become my friend. I need to stop hurting it, and hating it. Stop repeating hateful messages to myself, and instead be loving, and gentle, and optimistic about what we can accomplish.

The body isn't stupid, but it is simple. It needs simple messages of love. And direction. I believe our bodies can take direction from our conscious as well as inner minds. But maybe only if the two are speaking in agreement, or not fighting, at least. I realize I sound like a new-age freak. But there is solid science to back me up. Our thoughts can and do change reality. Which means, doesn't it, that humans are more important than the rest of creation? Not in a dominating way, but if, because we are self-conscious beings, we can change the structure of reality, then I have trouble seeing us exactly like water and birds, insects, reptiles. Not dominant, but not just part of the landscape. That's where I have trouble with Taoism. That Lao-tzu wants people to just live simple lives, never changing anything, being just like the worker bees and ants, like other animals followng their instincts. Well, my instincts say there is more for us. Maybe that more is in our heads. That is the bridge I can make to Lao-tzu. Maybe if we were living our simple lives, we could devote our minds to learning the Tao and could usher in an entirely new mode of being.

But I think for me, Taoism provides some helpful tools, and the Tao te Ching says many incredibly wise things; wise beyond my fathoming. But at the core philosophy, I baulk. I just think that Buddhism and Hinduism are more right. And ultimately, I think Buddhism is a branch of Hinduism.

I'm still going to use the Tao te Ching because it is wise and helpful. I'm just not going to beat myself up too much when I get to a place that seems to be saying only the pastoral life is okay.

Anyway, after the CD (which I listened to for 40 minutes and go pretty deep into trance at times) – well, maybe I better write about the experience.

Part of my journey is learning about myself, about what trance is like for me. What I was seeing through much of the 40 minutes, especially at the beginning, were swirling colors. They were dark blues, purples and occassionally greens. It was like looking into a cauldron of seething gases, that pulsated and moved counter-clockwise. Yes, more like clouds than liquids. And as they were swirling – which isn't quite the right word because the movement was slow – they would billow out, and turn under, and other shades would be revealed. As I got deeper, there appeared to be something bright in the middle of all the motion. It stayed in place while things moved around it. And it was yellow, or sometimes orange. Sometimes I thought there was a thing there, under the cloud; sometimes not.

Then things changed, became less cohesive, and I don't remember what it was like. Warmer colors. I think that may have been when the phone rang, and I could hear Jim upstairs yelling at the guy from unemployment. That was pretty distracting. I kept trying to pull my mind away, but it was hard, and I don't think I ever really got back on track. I stayed up, closer to the surface. The colors were warmer, maybe that means something? Although they were darker when I first started, so I don't know. Will have to see if there is a pattern the next few times.

One other sort of cool thing was that I got somewhat diembodied. My hands seemed to be far apart. I would have sworn they were either resting on my legs, separate, or even that they were floating. But when I came up, they were clasped in my lap. I was totally surprised!

I had some trouble with pain being a distraction, though that was mostly in beginning and a little at the end, after the phone disruption. The ache was okay, it was when the pain would pulsate, or go shooting. So, when it changed. And I had trouble finding a comfortable place for my neck. I need to support it better next time.

It was pretty neat, and I'm excited to do it again today and see what happens.

48

In the pursuit of knowledge

Everyday something is added.

In the practice of the Tao

Every day something is dropped.

Less and less do you need to force things

Until finally you arrive at non-action.

When nothing is done

Nothing is left undone.

True mastery can be gained

By letting things go their own way.

It can't be gained by interfering.

I've asked for instruction in non-action, and here is a little piece. Every day something is dropped. It can't mean actual action, like doing one's job, running one's household. So it must mean other kinds of action. Like what? Like worrying about things one can't change. Like criticism or judgment, hostility, irritability. Each day one of these must be dropped. One of the things that hurts me or others. So, for instance, in the war against my face, every day I should drop one fight with an intractable hair. Drop one mean thing I say to myself. Drop one time of not being present for Jim.

Less and less do you need to force things. So does that mean that every time I feel resistance – like if I'm talking to Jim and sense he isn't really listening, I should stop? Or the hair thing. If a hair resists being pulled, stop trying. If an idea for a class won't come, walk way from it for awhile. I think this is what I means. If every day I dropped some of these things, some of these urges to push through and force things, then I begin to see how one could arrive at non-action. Because when you are moving through your day and encountering no resistance, you are part of the Tao, part of the natural and correct flow of things, and in a mystical way, you aren't doing anything! I get it.

To do this, though. . . Wow. Will it be hard. I'm used to thinking of my life as a battle, mostly with myself. That I must force myself to work, force myself to eat breakfast, force exercise, force to work harder, longer, faster, smarter. And that is totally the wrong idea. No wonder my body will not listen to me and my creativity is stuck. I am feeling a little shift. The piles of work I have right now, I want to do. I am actually eager to do them. And I think if I got out of my own way, I'd find that I actually want to do, and can do, much more. Stop thinking of it as force. Drop at least one push each day. Rephrase things to myself – "Ah, I get to wash the dishes! What a wonderful opportunity to medidate and show my love for Jim!" Wouldn't that change everything? It would. It will! Okay, so I'm off to do my wonderful, fun work.

March 11, 2007

Here is one I had typed up awhile ago and somehow neglected to post. Shame on me!

March 11
. . . I haven't gotten out a deck. Need to make sure I take a break and listen to the meditation CD. I forgot to, yesterday. I probably should report that I had terrible, panting pain again last night, and it is still hanging around. Skin burning across the whole dermatone – even near my spine.

46
When a country is in harmony with the Tao
The factories make trucks and tractors.
When a country goes counter to the Tao,
Warheads are stockpiled outside the cities.
There is no greater illusion than fear,
No greater wrong than preparing to defend yourself,
No greater misfortune than having an enemy.
Whoever can see through all fear
Will always be safe.

Well, our country is obviously out of harmony with the Tao, and always has been. It began in war and has been steeped in blood ever since. Politicians have always played on and stoked people's fears. We are now involved in probably the worse mistake we've ever made, and all because we acted out of fear. Made a "pre-emptive" strike at a lesser, assumed enemy. And this administration still hasn't learned. Bush still believes warheads will be the answer to all of our problems. We just need more of them.

Our domestic politics are all based on fear, too. The rabid conservatives are spewing their hatred for gays, Hispanics, and yes, still, feminists. All succesfull because they stimulate and encourage people's fear of the Other, fear of change. And the liberals (with more justification, I believe, since I'm on their side), are playing on people's fear, of global warming, of fossil fuels running out, of being committed to an endless war, of losing our civil rights and liberties, of state and church becoming one, of the crazy, irrational, fearful neo-cons winning the battle for hearts and minds and taking us in directions that will hurt more and more of us.

I obviously believe these fears are justified in that there are real possibilities that these things will happen if we don't stop them. But Lao-tzu is telling me not to be afraid, even if they are happening, right? Fear is an illusion. P and I talked about how I manufacture whole scenarios in my head, and then don't do something because of the fear generated by my imagination. So fear is an illusion in that way.

Is it also an illusion in that it gives you the idea of control? Like, I'm afraid that allergist doctor will disappoint me, so I just won't call him. Then he can't disappoint me. Fear gives us the idea that if we do something or we don't do something, we'll be able to protect our Selves. We'll control the damage we take. And maybe the Master is saying "Hey! Remember, you can't control what happens! The Tao is a might river, and one way or the other will do what it does. The best thing is to let go of your idea of what ought to be, what ought to happen to your heart, your Self, and let the river roll. Keep your eyes open and learn from what occurs. Keep acting out of your center - not from fear, and you'll find you were able to roll with the river and that you were able to bear the stretching of your Self."

Maybe the ocean is a better metaphor: When you are wading in the ocean, and a big wave is coming at you, the worst thing you can do is panic and brace yourself against it. If you do that, you find the sand under your feet shifts and gives way, you sink deeper, and the wave comes and knocks you down, or goes over your head in a violent churning that puts sand and water in your eyes, nose and ears, and it is very frightening. You might get tumbled with it and be underwater for too long. Instead you should turn and face the beach. When you feel the wave lifting you, you jump into it, and give yourself to it, and it carries you at the top, with your head above water, and you ride it in to the beach. Very smooth, no violence, no panic, no sand in orifices.

So when I'm afraid I'll have this pain the rest of my life, and that it will be too much to bear, I need to stop tensing all my muscles against it. Need to let go, and jump into the pain. Ride it.
Okay. I just did that. Made all my muscles relax. They keep tightening as soon as I remove my attention. What happens is that I feel that the pain is NOT actually constant. It rises and falls. And it is bearable. It is like riding a roller coaster – just let the pain go up and down. But it takes all of my attention to keep from fighting it, to just let it be. And it takes all of my energy to bear the up and down. As soon as I begin writing, the pain starts feeling like a horrible intrusion, a nagging presence. Can I learn to do this and still get work done? To train my body and brain not to fight, even when I'm not paying conscious attention?

Because I guess it is true. The fear of its being unbearable is what is bad. The actual bearing of it isn't pleasant, really, but it is possible, for at least a moment, to just let it be an experience, not label it good or bad.

It is like the work I did with Jane [a cognitive-behavioral therapist I saw for molestation/rape stuff]. As soon as I felt fear, I had to take it out and examine it, and ask myself what would be the worst thing that could happen should that fear be realized. And then she'd have me write out a plan for how I would deal with each of those possibilities. And it worked. The fear was an illusion. The worst case scenario almost never happened, but even if it did, I knew it wouldn't be the end of me. Even death might not be the end of me.

The next line is about preparing to defend yourself, how there is no greater wrong than that. MAD, our policy during the Cold War, was stupid and destructive and a waste of resources. Today we have Homeland Security, busily invading our privacy and violating our civil rights. Just this week it came out that the FBI illegally gathered information on thousands of American citizens. All of this in the name of "defending our country, our security." We've committed atrocities in the name of defense all over the planet.

It's pretty easy to see this principle at work on the big stage. What about in my personal life? Planning a course of action for what to do if one's fears are realized is not the same as preparing to defend oneself. In the former, you are assuming defenselessness and just figuring out what the next step is. I suppose you might call that a defense, but it's a different meaning than I think Lao-tzu means. He means defense as in bracing for the wave, or trying to beat the wave into submission. I was talking about making a plan for what happens after the wave has tumbled you.
My muscles bracing against the pain is an unhealthy defense. Silly too, because like our national foreign policy, it doesn't stop the pain, it just adds more pain in the form of soreness in many muscles. What else? Being defensive in a fight with Jim. Never a good idea. It is better to remain open, listen carefully – including to what he is not saying, accept criticism, calmly state my real position, not one that hops out of defensiveness, and try to see it as us, working out an issue, not "me against you." Yes, this is best. But do I do it? Not with any regularity.

I get defensive very easily with my husband. I always have – more than with anyone but my Dad. Some things about the way he is, and how he argues, have always inspired fear in me, and I've responded by being super defenseive. And now, add all my guilt for not being a good wife (pain, job and laziness) and it's even more tempting to be defensive. Which means not being calm, not being able to really listen, responding to surface meaning, saying the first thing that comes into my head instead of sifting for the Truth of how I feel. And sometimes it means going on the offensive and saying mean things that I don't actually mean.

I've gotten better about all of this since I stopped drinking. I don't say many mean things anymore, though I may speak a truth in an ungentle, suboptimal way. But I still need a lot of work. I think Jim does, too, but that isn't my business! Just stop right there! Girl, you need only worry about yourself!

Are there other ways I prepare defenses against fear? Oh yeah, a whole bunch just flooded my mind. My fear that people won't like me gets me behaving in all kinds of ugly, stupid ways. My fear that I won't succeed likewise gets me building defenses, when I ought to be putting that energy into doing the things that will help me succeed. I have been preparing a defense against my Dad which has hurt both of us.

I really dislike the defensive behavior I adopt with students and with my colleagues. I'm so afraid people won't like me sometimes that I become not-myself, and increase the chances that they won't. I'm not quite sure what I do. I cover my face, I don't make as much eye-contact, I get more focused on myself and forget to attend to the other person. So I appear less caring and interested than I really am. I make derogatory jokes about myself – too self-depracating. And I close up my body, make it less inviting. All of this and more, in an attempt to defend myself against being hurt when people don't like me. So the best thing to do is really examine that fear, like I did with Jane. What is the worst that can happen?

With students, the worst that can happen is that I'll get terrible evaluations and be miserable in class every day. Okay. So being miserable in class. If they really all disliked me, then the answer would be to a) make the material so interesting and be so focused on that material [not me and not them]that the class would still be interesting for both of us. Also, if I was completely myself and they all disliked me, I could try to find out why, and consider changing.

But the truth is that both my students and my colleagues mostly do like the real me. And they are patiently waiting for me to be the real me all the time. So this is an almost totally ungrounded fear. I need to let it go. How? Just to remember that's what I'm doing, take a breath, and remind myself that what I'm interested in is the person who's talking to me. Or the subject, and whether the students are getting it. Be empty, and yet fully present.

Worst, worst thing is that I wouldn't get tenure. But for the reasons above, that is super unlikely. What if it happened? I'd go on. Look for another job. Re-think my life. I have no idea what all the other conditins would be. But I know me, and I know I'd find a way to keep going.

So, that was an amazingly productive piece of the Tao te Ching! It's 10:30 and I've been writing for 3 hours when I expected I'd have nothing to say.