June 30- July 4, 2007

June 30, 2007

I went to meditate just before dinner. It went okay. Not great, not terrible, but I'm really glad I did it.

Back to the wise and compassionate words of Krishna. Dialogue 14 ended with Krishna enjoining us to cease making judgments between "good" and "bad." In Dialogue 15 Uddhava begins by asking the obvious next question – But wait! You tell us to stop making these judgments but the Vedas and even your own words talk about what is right and wrong ~ I'm confused! Are we to be good? Or are we to cease seeing good and bad?

I think I know where Krishna is going to go. It's something of a paradox so I don't know if I can explain. I think it is something like – in reality there is no distinction between good and evil because all is one. You can't have only one side of a coin. However, if you would like to experience that oneness, there are certain things one ought to do, which we'll label "good," and other things one ought to avoid.

It isn't wrong to take a path that leads into darkness; it just won't bring you into light. Remember that King Kamsa, who hated Krishna and kept trying to kill him even when he was a babe, achieved liberation because even though it was hatred and fear that motivated him, still he had one-pointed attention, and thought of nothing but Vishnu/Krishna.

So even dedication to evil can bring one enlightenment. Nothing is inherently good or evil. Yet Krishna's purpose is to lay the path to Himself for us; to pave it, make it as direct and easy to follow as possible. Thus all things that keep one on that road are good, those that don't, aren't. Let's see if that is actually what he means!

Yes! Krishna begins by saying there are 3 and only 3 paths to spiritual enlightenment – jnana, karma and bhakti yoga. He describes them again, and says who each is for. The duties each of us has because of our caste and station he says, we should do "until you lose interest in the world, or until an intense faith and devotion arise in your heart" v.9.

People who just go about their duties, simple people who just live their lives will go neither to heaven nor to hell. They'll just be reborn again and again until one of those two things happens. He says that souls in heaven and hell covet a life here on earth because it offers opportunities for growth, for liberation, for enlightenment. They are like side worlds. You can make trips out to them but neither is actually on the main path.

One must be human to make spiritual progress. This is the vehicle designed exactly for that purpose.

[Entry ends abruptly because our vaction was at an end – it was the last day, and time to pack. Several days of driving and unpacking and recovering later . . .]

July 2

Dialogue 16 is about how the deep meaning of the Vedas is knowing the Oneness of God, and NOT the lists of rules and rituals. Krishna is still answering Uddhava's question about making distinctions between good and evil, right and wrong. And basically what he is saying is: there are no hard and fast rules about this – it all depends on context.

Actions, thoughts, words, etc. are never wrong/evil in themselves, nor are they right/good in themselves. Just saying a prayer or chanting a mantra or doing a ritual isn't necessarily "good" even if it was good at one time for some one. Krishna sounds an awful lot like Jesus when he says that the instructions, the laws in the Vedas, as in the Old Testament, were given by Him to the ancestors "as a guide to how to conduct one's life." Like the Torah, the Vedas are full of discussions and lists of things that are pure/clean and things that are impure. About these Krishna says that what makes things pure is the presence of god, the pure and devoted heart.

People who have come to read the Vedas literally and rigidly are incorrect and are missing the whole point. There are injunctions in the Vedas, promises of reward for good behavior, placed there to entice people into their spiritual journey. Instead, people have often become fixated on the rewards and therefore fail to progress at all.

Heedlessly they indulge in ritual acts

Only to choke on the smoke

Of their own ignorance v.27

A strict adherance to ritual

Will be their only theme:

They will not even recognize me

Dwelling in their own heart

And in the heart of this entire creation v.28.

In sacrifical rituals

These cruel people

Will slaughter innocent animals v.30

They fantasize in their own minds

About a heavenly world after this one

And then imagine

That like merchants in a market

They can trade rituals

For a place in such a heaven v.31.

Doesn't this sound, not only like what Jesus said to his contemporary Jews, but also like what needs to be said now? Like all these Christians who are arguing for the arrest and deportation of undocumented workers because they "broke the law." At the end Krishna says, "I am the sacrifice the Vedas speak of." Just what Jesus said. And what is really intriguing, has the seeds of radical re-interpretation of Jesus is: Krishna, the man, was NOT killed. He means he is a sacrifice in a different way. I don't think I clearly understand it. But couldn't Jesus have also meant it differently? I mean, couldn't he have meant it however Krishna means it? That he would have been the sacrifice regardless of whether he was crucified?

With all of the parallels between their words, I feel I am coming to understand and appreciate Jesus through coming to know Krishna. More than I ever did when studying the Gospels alone. And it confirms in my mind that the doctrine does not reflect what he was really saying.

July 3

I should record a couple of things. One – meditation seems easier in some ways now that I've truly got the prayer in my memory. I don't have those long gaps between words as I struggle to recall the next one. I also didn't have too much trouble with drowsiness yesterday. I did have a hard time concentrating, keeping focused on the words, without analyzing them. I started out well, but the phone rang in the middle and then I kept being distracted by outside noises. Will see if I can do better today.

July 4

Meditation yesterday was awful. I didn't get to it until after 8 pm. We had a thunderstom that terrified poor Indy. So I went up with her and sat in the closet where she was hiding but my mind just wouldn't stay still. I grew frustrated. I couldn't find a position that didn't pain me. The only good was that I did make myself sit there, and my cat was calm and reassured when I left.

Also, when going to sleep at night, I've learned I had better go back to saying the mantra. I had purposely stopped to allow my mind some free time in which ideas could freely associate. I learned yesterday that Easwaran is right – again. You can't expect the mind to be quiet and lie still for 30 minutes a day when it has free reign the other 23:30.

Discipline requires being disciplined all the time. I resist the idea, but will eventually cave, because I fear it is correct. A person in training to be an Olympic athlete can't be fit or work out just ½ an hour a day. They are always at it. And the payoff – just remember the payoff. Muscles that respond, almost on their own, with all the strength one needs. I recall from skating and swimming what a glorious feeling it was, to have finally mastered a routine – whole body doing exactly what you asked of it, all smooth and effortless. How much more glorious for the mind to respond like that?

Well, it takes practice. Training. So the mantra is back in at night, and I will be more contientious about working it in everywhere in my day. The mind is screaming "that will kill creativity," but of course it would say that. Mind, this training will get you in shape to be more creative, to tap inner reserves of insight, to make more brilliant theoretical analyses. You'll be more nimble than ever! Just give it a try!

God Having Sex - June 29, 2007

June 29, 2007

I guess I have a little more to say about Krishna's life. It's really funny to me how intellectually I find it quite reasonable for God incarnate to have sex, and I have always said it wouldn't make a bit of difference to me if Jesus had been with – especially if he had married – Mary Magdalene. And it makes a lot more sense in a culture where young men are expected to get experience and in which people do not equate sex with sin.

And yet . . . I confess to feeling a little disappointed in Krishna, like he's lost stature or become tarnished by his carnal exploits. Part of it is my culture which reserves sex for marriage. Well, wait a minute. That isn't true at all. My culture doesn't in practice – but it preaches that, still. Part of it is the idea that God should be above mundane sexual seduction. Which is silly. Of course he's above sex. He's above eating and shitting and being a cowherd, too. Isn't that the point about being incarnate? To be human is to become human. And if so, why would one limit oneself to some human things and keep off others? Particularly when you haven't designated any human function as evil? I think it may be that it seems like a weakness to me. And/or like someone using his power to exploit. But that's me not really getting it. Krishna remains celibate even after having sex with an entire village, because the sex was NOT for him, did not grow out of HIS desire, and did no harm that would incur karma.

With the villagers, it was a way to lead the women to total devotion, submitting their egos, their selves into Him. And they became the example of perfect bhakti devotion – so much so that Krishna later sends Uddhava to learn from them. And later, when Krishna returns to his rightful place in the palace, he goes to a courtesan who helped him "in the form with which she approached him." Being a courtesan sex is all she knows, so he comes to her as a sexual partner. In the same way, the scriptures say, that because Kamsa approached Him as an enemy, He came to him as his slayer. Okay . . . but I've become cynical and I see how easily someone could say this, could use it to fulfill their own desires. And if that's true, then Krishna becomes like any conquering hero, and that bugs me.

Especially when we are given to see the pain the gopilas suffer when he leaves them. They moon about, unable to do their daily tasks because everywhere there are reminders of him, and they have utterly lost all sense of themselves as separate without him.

I realize the scriptures are trying to show the truth that we ARE incomplete without Him, that he is our very Selves, and that the goal of human life is to shed our attachment to this ego and merge with Him. But in my culture, that kind of submission to a lover is bad news, a sign of pathology and exploitation. Of course, that's men we are talking about, male lovers – not God Itself, which changes things. I guess I'd feel better if Krishna inspired and expected the same devotion from men.

And I guess he does. Else why send his servant and colleague Uddhava to learn from them? But it seems a different quality. The men get made more themselves, while the women become nothing. They aren't even mentioned by name (except one), even though Krishna promises their names will be remembered forever. Maybe that's my author, though, not the scriptures.

I'm just going to have to keep working on it in my heart. I mean, isn't my goal to get to the place where I can let go of my ego, my self, and merge with Absolute Supreme Reality? That is what I want, what I'm working for in meditation, so why begrudge it to these ancient cow girls? Actually, isn't this what an encounter with the Infinite ought to do? Shatter your social conceptions, your limited, confining views? Just strip them off, one by one?

Maybe this is how Mom feels about all the things Jesus does that don't seem to make sense, that it is God saying "Don't pigeon-hole me! Don't even begin to think you can bind Me with your silly social conventions, your extremely limited view of morality." And maybe one day I'll be able to see Jesus' actions that way, too. Right now I'll stick with Krishna. Obviously I recognized His words as Truth in the two Gitas. I will just have to reconcile my feelings. That's my problem, not God's. Brahman is.

Its back to that mind-blowing idea that Krishna is All, Brahman is All, God is All. God is not an old man, a priest, a celibate, a dead thing on a cross; is not limited in any way. Even the Christian god is limited, required to be "good." Brahman is not so bound, as It is good and evil, is everything. I have to stop using mainstream, American Protestant ethics and morality in my subconcious view of god.

See, I've already learned a ton from Krishna's sexual episode. I believe I've gotten my heart and mind into the right place to learn again from Krishna's dialogue with Uddhava at the end of his earthly life.

Oh – I know now who Uddhava is/was. He was a sage – a jnana yogi – who was part of the court of the Yudavas when Krishna got rid of the evil king, Kamsa, and restored his clan to power. I believe Udhava will play important roles later in the story.

In Dialogue 14, Krishna provides a lot of information and answers a long list of Uddhava's questions. Big chunks would be good for memorization and meditation, as he repeats and puts into a few words much of what has already been said. One could call it repetitious, but it is very consistent – every text that refers to Krishna's teachings says the same things. There are no contradictions. In fact, what I've read of Patanjali, the Upanishads, and the references to the Mahabarata are all consistent as well. Odd, as it is on the whole not a religion that claims to value consistency. It's fine with everyone that gods have thousand names and a hundred forms; that at one moment Indra is supreme; then Vishnu, or Brahma, or Krishna. None of that matters and in those ways, of course, one would NOT find consistency if one searched for it. But for the core messages, the texts, written over a span of more than a thousand years and by people whose native spoken languages were widely divergent – scattered over an increasingly diverse land mass. One is led from the Western scholars of Hinduism to expect multiple schools of thought and much disagreement. But the reality is that Krishna's message is very simple. It is only the humans, Arjuna, Uddhava, me – that make things more complicated with our questions, because we don't really get it. Much like it seems to me it was with Jesus and his followers. All Jesus really said was "Love." The imperative. "Love yourself. Love your neighbor. Love your enemy. Love the Lord your God." That's it. That's the whole of the law and the whole of life.

Krishna says, "Recognize that all is god. Even you. Even your enemy. Even your neighbor." But we humans want complicated, detailed instructions. How do I love my enemy? How do I come to see that I am brahman? So in Dialogue 14, Krishna again provides some answers.

He makes clear right off the bat that just philosophizing – the part I'm good at – is not enough. He begins:

The sannyasin who has learned

All that is required

To know the Self

And for whom such knowledge

Is not mere theory but direct experience,

And who knows the phenomenal world

To be an illusion,

Such a one,

Known as a vidvat-sannyasin,

Should surrender all that knowledge

And all that experience,

To Me, the Eternal v.1

Only those who have been purified

Through both knowledge and experience

Know my true and supreme nature.

Truly it is these souls that are my support

And are much loved by me v.3.

Verse 10 contains a prayer for me:

O Great One, lift me up `

For I have fallen into the pit

Of unremitting pain.

Further down Krishna summarizes again the constituent parts of creation. The earliest quantum physics? He says that these parts permeate all of creation, from Brahma "to the smallest ameoba," and that one Supreme pervades them all.

How do you know when you are there, when you really get it? Krishna says – and note this is experiential, not theoretical – that knowledge becomes a realization "When one no longer sees multiplicities pervaded by the One, but experiences the One as the only reality" v.13.

Wow. Can you imagine even truly doing the first – seeing all things and people as pervaded by the One? I especially am going to require grace to see George W. Bush and Karl Rove, Bill Krystol, etc. as part of the same One as Indy, butterflies, puppies, brand new babies, and warm spring breezes. However, reading these stories of evil kings and demons, and Krishna's appreciation for and absorption of them is very helpful on that score. It is very good to have a model for how that kind of love works; especially from a position of strength.

I remember a short story I once read in which there was a machine, or an object of food or something, that allowed a human who used it to perceive the forest around him as one organism (Michael Crichton?). We know that is true, scientifically/ecologically, and biologists now speak of forests and even the planet as one organism. But this guy in the story gets to experience it that way for a moment. Actually 2 guys do, and one goes crazy, catatonic. The other can just barely stand it, but not for long. The complexity and grandeur, the awe of all the bugs (the number and diversity of the insect life alone is enough to send the one over the edge), the dirt, the bark and the sap in the trees, the living branches in every single tree, the leaves, the grass, the shrubs and other plants, the rotting wood, the birds, reptiles and mammals, the fungi, the wind, the dew, the sunlight – all of it not just working together but ONE THING!!! Now imagine not just a little patch of forest but the entire planet, and not just that but the entire universe, and not just that but ALL of the universes (if there are more than one, however many there might be). It does seem too much for the meagre human mind to grasp. This is a good reason for making it difficult to attain. We need time and practice to literally expand our minds enough to hold such an image.

To continue, and begin to wrap up, Krishna says that there are things before us/with us, that can corrobrorate the notion that all is One, before we can fully grasp it. The four most authoritative are: The Vedas which teach it (the Upanishads), direct experience, tradition, and inference.

In none of these can experience

Of multiplicities find support v.17.

Then he gives a long list of activities we can do in pursuit of this Oneness. Finally, a brilliant quote at the end.

What are the definitions of good and evil?

Judging another to be good or bad is evil.

To cease making judgements between good and bad,

That is true goodness v.45.

And yes, I get the irony and hypocrisy of me being gleeful at finding that to pass on to all those I deem judgmental! : ) I am a work in progress.

June 21-27, 2007

June 21, 2007

I waited for J's call, and then sat down to meditate. It was a struggle. This time the words came alright, but I felt I was racing through them. I was afraid that if I allowed any space between the words, the random associations and tangents would crowd in and take over. I didn't have sleepiness issues because I couldn't really relax. It's a new challenge every day, isn't it? They'll soon have to repeat themselves! I suppose I'll get better at dealing with them as I get more practice. I mean, Easwaran speaks in years.

[Description of doctor's appt and errands, writing a political protest letter we e-mailed to news orgs] But then I became super-irritable. I don't know what was up with me, but I just lost it. I forgot to say the mantra when it began, so it just grew and grew. It was all directed at my computer. It just really pissed me off. I'm ashamed of having allowed a piece of machinery to control my feelings and behaviors. As Easwaran said, we lose our freedom when we allow things outside of us to control how we feel. I put myself in bondage to reaction. It felt really bad. It felt completely out of my control, which is ridiculous. We always have choices.

The Gita reading for today is beautiful. Krishna describes himself again. It is a refreshing reminder of what is really important, and also that He is in everything, and can be worshipped in the people around us. I'll hold on to that.

June 22

In Dialogue 11, as translator Saraswati notes, we can see the spiritual growth of Uddhava as he no longer begs Krishna to take him with him, but accepts his mission, his dharma. Saraswati says some helpful things. First, that Uddhava's path is our path: we begin our search for God by looking for it outside of ourselves, but "as that wish begins to shape our life, we see the Divine reflected in ourselves and in all material existence" p.104.

Second, she says this dialogue "allows us to begin to view the Divine with a human mind, though through the veil of the mind's perceptions . . . Krishna allows us to 'see' the embodied Divine through our bodily senses ` as the stars, the planets, the creatures of the earth and sea, and so on." As we begin to recognize the divine in all these things, "the quality of our experience of the world must change." Haven't we all felt closer to God when out in nature, closer to the unmediated earth, and looking up at the stars?

The difference for me is that I used to recognize God as the creator of the universe. Now I am learning to see God as not only creator but also IN the creation. The created universe IS god itself. That may seem a small semantic difference, but it is great. It must change, ultimately, everything about the way we approach and treat and deal with the earth. We are not the masters having dominion over the planet. No! No! No! We are another part of God, and granted the blessing of living on God and in god, with all the other tiny fragments of His/Her being. No wonder it wasn't India that invented industrialization.

Third, Saraswati says we must remember that we will never "see" brahman, as a physicist will never "see" a quark "until we have gone beyond the limits of individual perception. There is nothing more we can add to ourselves to see the Divine better. All we can do is look about and remind ourselves of what Krishna has said, that all this is the Self." And as we keep walking the path, she says we'll gradually be stripped of all that prevents us from seeing it directly – which, I'd add, includes our bodies, eventually.

Verses 9-11 would be good for meditation:

I am that which you and all seekers seek.

Among things difficult to conquer, I am the mind.

As he goes on, naming the things of this world that he is, it's important to me to note that there are "negatives" as well as "positives." God isn't just good, it's everything.

June 27

In dialogue 12 I find the answers to many of my questions. Here Krishna lays out the plan for life, for living together in society; the varnashrama. He explains the idea of caste and the four seasons of life, as well as a little of the history of the system and of the Ages. Uddhava has asked him:

How may we fulfill this devotion

While maintaining our own

Allotted duties according to the social order? v.2

If we don't become hermits or sannyasin, in other words, how can we live our normal lives and still show our devotion? A very pertiment question for me, because I'm not ready to give up living with J and the kitties, or teaching and researching. I am in the householder stage of life and I mostly enjoy it. But I certainly don't want to put off devotion and spiritual learning until I'm ready to leave it all. In fact, I'd never become ready to leave without more growth first.

This is not wrong; Krishna (brahman) made this world, made humans, and made it so that there must be people in all different stages of growth in order for the system to work. So Krishna answers by first establishing this point, that all the castes and stations emanate from Him, all are loved and desired. And his point is that the varnashrama exists to promote the good of all, if practiced correctly.

Recall that in Hindu cosmology, there are four stages of creation, or Ages. Each creative cycle begins as a kind of utopia, then people forget who they are, chaos and destruction, as well as evil enter the creation and it gets steadily worse, until finally it must be destroyed.

This seems at odds with the other big plan, that humans are fragments of brahman who willingly immerse themselves in maya in order to have learning experiences. Those lessons eventually lead them to remember who they are and re-merge with brahman. The two probably fit together and I just haven't learned enough to see how. Because doesn't it seem that as more souls learned more, the world would become better . . . Aha! Oh, duh! It's that as more souls take the path that leads to enlightenment, they are liberated and are no longer re-born. So over time the world comes to have higher and higher proportions of those who chose explore evil, darkness, and inertia. That solves the paradox.

Okay, so Krishna begins by saying that the first age of this creative cycle was the Krita Yuga, the Age of Accomplishment, in which all people belonged to one caste, the hamsa caste. All people were "virtuous from birth," and "had everything they needed." The pranava mantra "Om" was the only scripture, and dharma was as "firm as a bull standing on four legs."

The next was the Treta Yuga, the Age of Three, because it was like a bull standing on three legs. The scriptures of this age were the Vedas: Rig, Sama & Yajur. These Vedas "flowed from my heart, borne by my exhalation" v.12. And now Krishna explains how a variety of people sprung from different parts of the one cosmic Supreme body.

Brahmin – those disposed to spiritual learning, from the mouth.

Kshtraiya – those disposed to rule, defend justice and truth, from the arms.

Vaishya – those disposed to "bring comfort and prosperity", from the legs

Shudra – "those who wished only to serve humanity, the servants and tillers of land", from the feet.

Then he describes the stages of life, and their dispositions, saying students came from the heart, householders from the loins, retirees from the chest, and sannyasin from the crown of the head.

It is clear from the rest of the dialogue that Krishna means that people are NOT born into caste. That instead one should examine oneself, and compare to his descriptions of each varna, and then decide which fits their disposition. There should be no compulsion, and each person should have enough learning and opportunity to be able to make such a decision.

Another clear theme is that all of the castes are there to serve one another. Shudras may be labeled "servant" but in fact service to the community is the heart of each job. All are required to be truthful, free of desire, anger, greed, "always seeking the happiness and well-being of all" v.21.

He also talks about how all have the duty to remember the Self. That busy householder, raising children, working, serving the community, should also study the scriptures, perform the rituals and worship the deities. At the end, he reminds householders not to get too attached to the people and things of his or her life. The wise one will cling to that which is imperishable, and let go of that wich perishes.

Remember always the associations made

With relatives, spouses, children and friends

Are like the chance meetings of travellers –

Brief, and only for the duration of the lifetime.

At the end of each life these relationships end –

Just as dreams end upon awakening v.53

Keeping such an awareness

The householder can live free from entrapment

In the ideas-of-I and "mine" –

Even while performing the required duties v.54.

Krishna warns against the dangers of getting caught up in ideas-of-I and in entanglements with others. These hold us back, so that at the moment we should be retiring to the forest or to a monastery, we "will always be given to creating reasons for forgetting the Self and not moving on to the next stage of life."

"Oh" they will say "My parents are sill alive, my partner cannot cope, my children cannot live without me" v.57. "With an unfocused mind, such a person will continually be distracted by foolish thoughts of "I" and "mine" and on death will go to a great darkness" v.58.

So, that is the whole of the answer. One can and one should continue to live life according to one's dharma. In my case, being wife, daughter, sister, aunt, teacher, researcher, community servant, activist, and colleague. But at all times remember the Self and keep focused on the true goal. Attach to no one and nothing. Be ready to shed it all and move on to the next stage.

Our culture is so focused on the stage of youth that it will be a challenge to recognize it as such in myself. Does the use of anti-wrinkle cream mean I'm clinging too hard to one stage? Or is that an acceptable part of taking care of the skin I'm in?

June 16-18, 2007

June 16, 2007

Forgot to mention that last night I began a new ritual. I'm going to read the Upanishads – if I read anything – before going to sleep instead of whatever novel I'm reading. I only got through a few pages of the introduction in which the translator provides historical, anthropological background, context, and explaining the Vedic system. It's really complicated. I'm not sure I completely understood what I read. I don't have the book here to check, but I think the Vedas have four main branches, one coming late. And Brahmin families "owned" or belonged on only one of them. So the members of those families only would have had access to those rites, hymns and scriptures of that branch. The texts consist of the ritual instructions, the texts that explain the rituals, which I think are the Brahmanas, and then the later texts that explain the spiritual underpinnings – I mean the philosophical underpinnings – are the Upanishads. I think.

It is very interesting, and speaks to the integration of Indian philosophy at an early date, c. 1^st century BCE. From the tremendous diversity of ritual across the subcontinent, it all begins to braid together into a single strand about 2000 years ago.

Just to get a little taste, I skipped over to the first one, and it was the first two parts; how to do the horse sacrifice, and the explanation of the sacrifice, tying the horse to the creator of the world who, interestingly enough, was Death. And as far as I could tell, he created the world by giving birth to things and then eating them. For Death is also Hunger. Pretty different stuff than the Gitas!

Speaking of which, I'm ready to read the 8^th Dialogue of the Uddhava Gita.

Wow! I really like this one. Could copy the whole thing in, but that seems silly. In it, Krishna begins by teaching, again, how to liberate ourselves from the bondage of ignorance. He reminds that the gunas, which Swami Ambikananda translates as purity, passion and ignorance, rather than Miller's lucidity, passion and dark inertia – are states of the body and personality, not the Indwelling Self.

Uddhava asks Paul's question: "we know what is right; we know that pursuing pleasure only brings pain, so why do we keep doing it?" Krishna answers by explaining that the "idea-of-I" springs up in our bodies, personalities, because of the quality of rajas – passion – implicit in nature, in created things. Passion drives us and it is only by cultivating sattva – lucidity/purity – that we can overcome it. He tells a story about appearing to Brahma and the sage Sanaka in the form of Hansa, the divine swan, to teach them how to meditate, how to distinguish self from Self; and in that he reminds us all that really there is no distinction.

Recognize this truth

With a clear understanding:

All the senses perceive only me.

I alone exist.

Nothing exists besides me. v. 24

Oh, if only I could truly recognize this, and believe it, and live it! If only we all could.

[later that day] here's another Rushdie quote – "Although he kept it quiet, however, Saladin felt hourly closer to many old, rejected selves, many alternative Saladins – or rather Salahuddins – which had split off from himself as he made his various life choices, but which had apparently continued to exist, perhaps in parallel universes of quantum theory." P.523. It would be interesting, wouldn't it, if all the other selves at one point come back, come together? And more, what other selves has my Self been? I'm so eager to find out.

My meditation was so-so. Only 20 minutes because I chose the hot bedroom and the pain got too much. I began with the prayer of St. Francis but found it really distracting, so switched to my mantra and that was much better. I'm going to try to find a passage that works better for me, if I can. But when using the mantra I quickly got deep down. It was cool! Maybe I'm going to be able to do this?

June 17

Let's return to the 8^th Dialogue.

Early on, Krishna explains how sattva can overcome the other gunas and it is essentially Easwaran's eightfold program. Krishna says there are 10, because he includes water- for purity – and purifying rituals as well as the seasons, which Easwaran leaves out. The other "contributors to the predominance of any one guna" are: spiritual practices, the people with whom one associates, the activities one practices, one's initiation into the spiritual way, your manner of contemplation, the mantras you use for contemplation, and chanting v.5. We can allow sattva to grow in ourselves by nurturing whatever is sattvic in nature. He says in v.13 to sit in contemplation three times a day, dawn, noon and dusk. I'll be doing well when I can make once a firm habit, but I would love to someday be someone who sits all three.

Now back up to where we were – Krishna telling Brahma and the sages how to excape from identifying with the body, being distracted by sense objects.

Therefore, cease to identify yourself with the mind,

Which is constantly drawn to objects through the senses,

And which then gets caught up in these objects.

Instead, identify yourself entirely

With that undivided Presence v. 26

Knowing that this bondage

Is solely due to the false identification

With body and personality,

Give it up!

Identify yourself with the immortal Atman

And be free. v. 29

He makes it sound so easy! Just do it! But the illusion is a good one; the sleep a deep one. This whitethoughts seems so very real to me, especially when pain is burning a hole through all of my thoughts. Everyone promises that the changes come through practice, so I guess I just have to keep following instructions.

June 18

Speaking of meditation, I had a tough time yesterday. I'm thinking maybe I should force myself to stick to St. Francis' prayer until I've got it mastered. I am having trouble memorizing it – which is ridiculous. Part of the issue is I have 3 versions floating around in my head. Need to choose one and stick with it. For heaven's sake! I used to memorize very large chunks of text! Whole plays! Everyone's lines! This is silly. Is this just my mind making another stupid excuse? I think I need to let it know who is boss. That it can't get out of this by refusing to memorize a short passage. What happens is I forget the words or get them mixed up, and yesterday the next word finally just wouldn't come at all. After 15 minutes I got fed up and switched to the mantra for 10 minutes. It felt like giving in. I was also fighting sleep; found myself nodding off.

In my reading of the first Upanishad, the Brhadaranyaka Upanishad, I've been learning some interesting stuff. Reading these will make my re-reading of the Gitas so much richer, as I'm coming to understand more of the culture and the belief systems from which they arose. I think Patrick Olivelle, the translator, is correct in saying we shouldn't read them the way the Jewish Bible is often used by Christians; looking for support for our own modern conceptions, pulling out verses here and there to justify a position. Nevertheless, one can see the roots of certain ideas, and it is difficult not to say "Aha! They say here that Atman and Brahman are One, so it must be true!" Even though, of course, I recognize how specious an argument that is.

It is really cool to see that idea developing, however. Also to see what it is growing out of, and to begin to learn what some of the rites are that Krishna was refering to in the B. Gita when he said, "Do them, but don't get caught up in them; do them for me." And also to learn the mythology and the cosmology that explains and justifies those rites. This first one (BU), lays out a lot of the connections and homologies of the Vedic world, which are the basis of the things said in the Gitas, like about the tree and branches the three worlds, etc.

Recall I learned that Death/Hunger created the world? I forgot to mention, or I didn't really get, that Death, the Creator, IS a horse. Doesn't that seem a clear left-over from the pastoralist past of the Aryans who invaded and settled in Persia and India? Every once in awhile Olivelle shows us how a word or an idea is very similar in Ancient Persia and India. The connection is strong. And since Persia influenced Babylon and the area now Israel, one has to wonder about some Indian ideas sneaking into Hebraism and later Christianity.

What occurred to me last night was John's version of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The more I think of it, the odder it seems to me that John would refer to horses. They really don't show up often in the Bible. Donkeys and camels, yes. I vaguely recall an odd mention or two in reference to the Egyptians on horses. Did the Romans have horses? I feel like they had a horse god – Persians did, so why not Romans? Maybe horses had come to be associated by Jews with the evil oppressor? Or, maybe he saw the Indian gods coming to destroy the world, as it must in the end be destroyed to make room for the next experiment? : )

[I just did a quick google search and came across a reference that says horses appear in the prophets (Isaiah, Ezekial, Joel, I Samuel, Jeremiah, Micah), poetry (Psalms and Song of Solomen), and the histories (Esther, 1 & 2 Kings, Judges). But mentions are very rare, and almost always in the context of either war (war horses or horse and chariot), and exclusively the property of kings.]

There is a lot in this scripture that I don't understand. But one theme that is clear is that the concept of the self, atman, is developing. And the idea that the entire universe is contained in the mind of the self. For example: "This same self (atman) is the trail to this entire world, for by following it one comes to know this entire world, just as by following their tracks one finds the cattle" BU 4:7. And "If a man knows 'I am brahman' in this way, he becomes the whole world. Not even the gods are able to prevent it, for he becomes their very self (atman)" BU 4:10. "It is his self alone that a man should venerate as his world" BU 4:15. "Now, a man who knows this becomes the atman of all beings; he becomes just like this divine breath" BU 5:20.

And by the way, there has been so far no hint of ascetism. On the contrary, a man is not complete until he has a wife and wealth (4:17), and a son (5:17), and there are many references to being showered with all manner of material things.

12:30 Awesome! I made the full 30 minutes of meditating, and it went much better. I'm going to need to watch out for drowsiness almost more than anything else. Easwaran warns it is a difficult and common problem. His only advice is just sit up straight, renew and redouble one's concentration on the passage if it is still a problem, open your eyes for a minute and recite the mantram, then go back. But overall it was good. I found a compromise solution for the passage – using most of one version, but including "where conflict, harmony; and where error, truth" and using "comfort" rather than "console" in the second part from two other versions. And it worked. I went right through without stumbling twice before I began to have drowsiness issues.

But Easwaran also says that's good; it means the body is relaxing, heart rate and breath slowing, and the mind isn't throwing a thousand distractions my way. There are some. The words call up all kinds of associations but I did pretty well at keeping my mind on task. Just letting those associations come up and go away without too much attention. Biggest problem is when the next word just doesn't come, and in that space before it does I can follow an association chain or begin to go to sleep. I'm hoping that's mostly a memorization problem and will get easier as the passage gets more familiar.

After meditating I did do my half hour of exercise, too, so I'm starting to get this train on track.

June 11-15

We just had the biggest snow storm of the season, in terms of how much fell at once. And the Farmer's Almanac predicts we will have a very snowy March. But at least it IS March! Hurray! The month in which spring will officially arrive. Things are as busy here as ever; trying to get as much grading and prep done as possible, and am still woefully behind on everything. I don't know if I really believe in prayer lists, but I certainly could use whatever positive energy and thoughts you could send my way. I am fairly certain that I have some more stuff going on that will require me to make a decision about which body parts I would like to keep and/or how much pain I would like to tolerate. I'm sharing before I know for sure because I am feeling pretty weak, streched pretty thin (ha-ha; I replaced nearly my entire wardrobe this weekend at Goodwill. I never thought I would complain about losing weight!), and I could use some support even if it is silent and free-floating and from strangers.

June 11, 2007

[I was whining about how poor we were going to be over the summer, and how unfair it was]

This is jumping ahead, but it is so relevant to what I just said – I've read ahead and in the 5^th Dialogue, I was just reading on a smoke break.

To think that through diligent labor

You will avoid pain

Is a silly fantasy v.18

Couldn't be much clearer than that, could it? The problem is, as usual, that I was indulging in full identification with the little self, this whitethoughts, and ignoring the larger Self, which is exactly opposite of what I "should" be doing, of what will bring joy and fulfillment.

To back up, in the Fourth Dialogue, Krishna finishes his story about the young Brahmin/sannyasin. It begins with the latter saying:

The true source of misery

Is the acquisition of anything

That you hold dear v.1

He points out that he himself has no family, no wife or children to whom he is attached, and he has freed himself from all other worldy distractions. "One should go along through life," he says, "making no noise." He gives other instructions – about meditation he says that regular practice will quiet the mind.

They center the mind on the Self

And slowly it will cease its activity.

Both rajas and tamas

Will be submerged into sattva v.12

Those are the gunas – passion and inertia subsumed into lucidity.

He reminds us that this creation will be destroyed – but really he says it will be sucked up, submerged into Brahman, the undifferentiated One, and then creation will occur again. His description supports the idea, the image, that I was beginning to get in the B. Gita.

The One, through the power of Time,

Begins the next creation cycle

By summoning the primordial vitality

Through maya

This vitality rouses the gunas,

Calling into being a world

Which appears to be

Made up of multiplicities v.19

This will be helpful when I'm in the mood to think about how the creation works, and why this happens. But I'm not feeling like that right now.

He does talk about embodiment, and what great teachers our bodies are, saying no matter how frail, the body – the human body – is "still the means of attaining final liberation." The king to whom he was speaking thought about his words and achieved enlightenment.

In Dialogue 5, Krishna goes back to speaking directly to Uddhava, reiterating what the sannyasin said. His message seems to be about distinguishing the self from the Self, and shifting one's identity from the former to the latter. So he repeats, in condensed form, much of what the sannyasin said, pointing out the multiplicities we see are illusion – they come and go, bound by the rope of the gunas. He repeats how one devoted to brahman, to him, ought to live, and there are more good reminders here than I can copy out.

He makes reference to the yamas and niyamas, which the translator defines thusly:

Yamas – contract with society

Ahimsa – non-violence

Satya – truthfulness

Asteya – non-stealing

Brahmacharya – living as a seeker of Brahman

Niyamas – contract with self

saucha – purity

santocha – contentment

tapas – regular practice

Ishvarapranidhana – aligning with the Infinite

June 12

Jim is reading me horrible things from the paper.. . More about the immigration ordinance, even though they've been advised they don't have the legal right to pass one. It makes me so sick I can hardly stand it. I feel outraged at the dishonesty, the outright lies they are telling, the abuse of words that is meant to hide and disguise the abuse of people. I feel sad the world, the state, the city has so much hatred and ill-will. I feel angry, and most of all, I feel helpless. What would Krishna advise? Try to see the Self in all of these people. But how does one go on . . . I mean, saying, "Well, that's their path" hardly seems enough.

Do you just stand by while people are beaten, tortured, jailed, deported, killed, because that is their path? This is always the place I get stuck, and I know I've found the answers before. I guess maybe I can still have my path be to fight injustice. Maybe that is my dharma. Could be, right? And Krishna urged Arjuna to pick up his weapon and fight. I don't have to worry about my enemies souls – that isn't my business. I only need to worry about mine. Have to figure out a way to respond to those I perceive as bigoted idiots in a way that is healthy for me.

Oh! The most important thing, I nearly forgot. Identify with the Self, not the self. Of course. And with that identity, one has perspective. An eternal perspective that sees the point, where the whitethought-self doesn't – of all the pain and ignorance. This should always be my main goal. Then everything else will become clear. It seems counter-intuitive, that the way to handle the world's problems is to turn inward, to be more self-focused for time.

But here in the 5^th dialogue, which I started yesterday, Krishna couldn't be more clear that this is the right thing to do. What I am seeing as multiplicity is just a dream Brahman is having.

Identification with the body,

Which is created by the Supreme

Through the mysterious power of maya,

Is the cause of human bondage

To birth and death and rebirth.

Only knowledge of the Self

Can release one from that bondage v.10

Therefore, step by step,

Detach yourself from

Identification with the body;

Let your attachment be

Identification with the indwelling Self v.11

This is what I need to be doing. And once again I note to myself that the intellectual understanding I am developing is not enough. I need the experiential knowledge that will only come through meditation. And it takes years, so what am I waiting for?

In verses 14-20 Krishna says that if we believe what we are seeing, hearing, etc. is the only reality, we will be, not only deluded, but unhappy. In verses 21-29, he says even working for the reward of heaven will only get you to heaven – which like earth is bound by maya and will end. Funny thought – J's mom is very concerned with me getting to heaven, and I am in a position to argue that heaven is a paltry prize, that I am headed for more than heaven and she's the one to be worried about. Don't think she'd like that much. Tho she may actually be aimed higher, since I believe her heart's true desire is to be with God. Surely that devotion can move one along the path – Krishna says so.

Only the wise know

That what is called

The individual, or time, or the scriptures,

Or even the heavenly spheres,

All of that

Is the undivided and complete Self

I've read on, into the 6^th Dialogue, and it is exciting stuff, but I'll save it for tomorrow.

June 13

I just have a short time to reflect on the U. Gita. We are at the 6^th. At the end of the 5^th, Uddhava asks, "Sometimes we are described as eternally bound by maya to samsara; sometimes you say we are eternally free. Which is it? Eternal bondage or eternal liberation?" Pretty spunky, that Uddhava! And Krishna has an answer that is shocking, and yet we totally should have expected it.

His very first words:

Neither bondage nor liberation is real.

Subject to the gunas – the three boundaries of nature,

The mind thinks of itself now as bound, now as free.

But since these boundaries are themselves illusory,

I tell you, there is neither bondage, nor liberation.

It is all a dream of the One Reality; it is an illusion, remember! I am also reading Salmon Rushdies Satanic Verses, and his characters keep asking themselves "What kind of an idea am I?" And that's it, isn't it? We are all just ideas in the mind of god. Everything about us and our situations is an idea, an illusion, and all we have to do to be free is to remember that. To really know it. By shifting our identification to the Self, we see that, we know we are ideas, and are therefore free to truly enjoy this idea-world we live in.

The rest of this dialogue is Krishna explaining that. Explaining how once one realizes they are free, they can "live a spontaneous life, free from the need for scheming and planning." They can soar like the wind, shape reality, be totally unaffected by the condition of their bodies, impervious to pain, torture, hunger, cold, etc. And, of course, knowing who they really are, they rejoice, they love to discuss the One Self, they love the scriptures and communing with others who know, and instead of withdrawing out of the world they are a vibrant part of it.

Who wouldn't want this? I want it! I so passionately want it. So I will stop holding myself back and go after it! But not today. Today I have to pull 12-14 hours of work.

June 14

We are in the 6^th Dialogue, and Krishna is saying that this life is like a dream. The wise are those who have awakened and no longer cling to the dream. After describing best practices, as in the B. Gita, the compassionate Krishna says:

Old friend, if you are unable

To hold your own mind steadily on the Self

There are other ways of achieving wisdom.

Uncaring of the outcome for yourself,

Offer all that you do each day

To the one ineffable Self v.22

He always allows for imperfection, lets people begin where they are. As the translator notes, up to here Krishna has been describing jnana yoga which is faster, better. But here he begins describing bhakti, and he clearly isn't looking down his nose on it. He says this devotion will also bring one to wisdom, to awakening.

He has slammed religious rites a bit before. Here he says "do them if you must, but do them for the sake of the Indweller of all" v.24. He says clearly to listen to the stories of avatars, hang out with sages, study scriptures, but do it all for him, for the Self. It seems prayer is not wrong. And it should consist of offering. Offer each day, with all its worries, successes, failures, emotions, etc., offer them up to God, to Self, to the Indwelling Radiant One.

Uddhava asks him to describe a sage, how to recognize a good teacher, and Krishna responds with long descriptions. And once again, it sounds an awful lot like the instructions Jesus gave his followers. It also sounds like Patanjali in the Yoga Sutras. And like Lao-Tzu in the Tao te Ching. And like Buddha in the Pali Canon. Must be truth, right? All the sages of all the hugely successful religions give the exact same message. That concludes the 6^th dialogue. Krishna says, "There is no more straightforward road to the Self than this path of devotion." v.48. Clearly putting bhakti on the same footing as jnana.

June 15

In the 7^th Dialogue, Krishna reveals what he says is a great secret, and it is startling. He says that satsanga, association with the wise, will bring one closer to Him than even sanyasin! Even meditation. All the scriptures of all the religions tell us to associate with those who are likewise seeking god, but this is the strongest statement I've heard. He points to a bunch of people in Hindu mythology and hisotry who attained union with the One in that way – just by hanging out with saints, sages and avatars, knowing nothing of the scriptures or the practice of meditation. But also in there is another injunction against rites and rituals:

Give up all the injunctions and prohibitons,

All that you have heard or may hear

Related to scriptural dos and don'ts

And take shelter in your heart;

There seek the Self. v.15

When Uddhava asks for clarification, Krishna answers with another description of how the world works, how the One becomes and is the multiplicity of forms we see around us. I don't really see how this answers the question I thought Uddhava was asking, or exactly how it relates to the idea of satsanga. Certainly it does explain how really we are one, and as the translation says, offers beautiful, incredible images for contemplation, but I'm not getting the connection, exactly. Well, it'll be cool when I get that next level of wisdom next time or two around.

Anyway, it still is super intereting. Krishna describes the chakra system. Or more correctly, refers to it.

He says the One is the prana (energy, vitality, life-force) that flows through the sushumna nade, the spine part of the inner body in which the chakras, the "spinning wheels" exist. He refers to the "most gross manifestation" as the muladhara chakra, which the translator explains is the lowest one, located around the perineum, where Kundalini Shakti "the primal power" sits. And he refers to the "most subtle" as the anahata, the heart chakra, "where It is the subtle, celestial sound and the parts of speech."

Like the spark "resident" in a potential state in wood, so the One is resident in us and "manifests by degrees, even through the sounds that are uttered" and through the actions we take.

He explains again, as in the B. Gita's final teachings, how the creation is a tree. Deep roots are desires, the gunas are its support, and the panchatattva are its five sturdy branches. They are earth, water, fire, air and space. Interesting they recognized space as a thing whereas the West ignored it 'til the 20^th century for the most part. The branches yeild sap, which are the senses – smell, taste, sight, touch, and hearing. Do they correspond in that order? Earth would be smell, water taste, fire sight, air touch, and hearing space. Yeah, that makes sense. Then the panchatattva have 2 branches each which correspond to the indriyas, the "organs of action" – the nose, tongue, eyes, ears, skin, throat, hands, feet, anus, sexual organs, and mind.

The mind, hidden in its branches, has two birds in a nest, the supreme One, and the ahamkara, the "I-maker," the "idea-of-I." This tree has 3 layers of bark – wind, bile and phlegm (humors) and it bears two fruits – joy and sorrow. Did I mention its seeds are good and bad deeds? That makes sense. Then Krishna tells Uddhava:

With a quiet and watchful mind,

Sharpened by service to your guru,

Take up the axe of awareness

And cut this tree down

Thus free the Self

And remain totally identified with the Self v.24

Wowie. Same advice he gave to Arjuna. But the beauty of the tree he's described makes it hard to want to cut the tree down! The roots are desire, and are deep.

June 19-20,2007

June 19, 2007

I didn't even read any of the U. Gita yesterday because I took so much time writing about the Upanishads and re-reading Easwaran. I'm into "Sense Training" now, in which he tries to teach the importance of controlling our response to sense-objects without getting into the Sanatana Dharma, the philosophy of why we respond to sense objects, what they are, and why it is important to resist them.

And I am trying to just read the Upanishads, without having to take a lot of notes. But there are some things so exciting, so enlightening, I feel I want to record them. Of course, there are also big chunks that make next to no sense to me, that are repetitious (because meant to be oral and from memory) to the point of being boring.

I am still going to try to mostly just read them this time, at least the early ones, and save my real studying for the U. Gita. But last night, after a truly incomprehensible bit in the BU, there came a passage describing a conversation between a man and his wife. He is about to leave – either to die or to become sannyasin (which is the same from her point of view), and he wants to divide his property between his two wives. One says, "Will the wealth you give me make me immortal?" When he says no, she says, "Then why would I want it? Give me some teaching instead; teaching that will help me realize immortality" BU 2:4:1-4

So he begins to teach her about the importance of atman, and what brahman is, and that brahman is atman. It is really interesting to see that women were thought capable of being taught these things, somewhere around the 1st, maybe even 2nd century BCE. But also it is really striking how they understood so early that it is the self one must attend to, that it is through the self one can find God. Whereas the Western religions never really focus on that (except for a handful of mystics). Are still outward-looking as whole.

Anyway, the husband, Yajnaralkya says to Mairiyi, his wife, that she ought to focus on comprehending her self, by which she will gain the whole world. He explains that the universe and all that's in it came out of brahman and is brahman; in the way if you drop salt into water, all of the water becomes salty, so is brahman in all of creation. BU 2:4:12. "In the same way this Immense Being has no limit or boundary and is a single mass of perception." Therefore after death one has no awareness. Maitriyi says "Huh? Now you've lost me." So he explains, very beautifully, how once you've joined the One, the Whole, and ceased being a perceiving multiplicity or duality, there is no way to be aware of self in the same way. "When the Whole has become one's very Self, then who is there for one to smell (see, hear touch, etc.) and by what means?" v. 13.

I get it! And it is very beautiful. Is this how new converts to Judaism or Christianity read the Bible? How they feel about it? Like surely it is True, and makes sense and gives comfort. I felt that way, I guess, each time I renewed my commitment. But the feeling never lasted. As I kept reading I'd get more and more uncomfortable with it. Even horrified, appalled, unable to make sense of it and bcoming afraid of it, confused of the God it portrays. Will that happen with these texts? I don't know. Only time will tell.

But let's get back to the Uddhava Gita. We are at Dialogue Nine.

Oh man, another one so beautiful it makes me almost weep with joy! It is unfair to keep comparing with the Bible, since it too contains Truth. But I am so moved by the Gitas, and in them, at least, nothing seems contradictory or out of character. The harshness of Yahweh, the punishing vengeful God one finds, for example, in the Gospel of Matthew, in which Jesus says such violent, hateful things is utterly absent from Lord Krishna. He speaks, always, with compassion, especially for those who are weak, who stumble and fail. Always there are instructions and reassurance for those of us who don't find it easy or even possible to do as he asks.

So in this dialogue Uddhava asks, "Teachers speak of many paths to enlightenment. Is one of greater value than the rest? You have described a path of devotion. Is that way better?"

In answering, Krishna first makes it clear that the Vedas have their origins in him, thus validating all the different paths described in them. He goes back to the creation to explain how all the creatures of the universe, including individual humans, are unique; we are each a unique pattern of the combination of the gunas. Since we are each different from the other we each interpret the Vedas differently.

People differ from each other

By nature,

Or by lineage,

Or by what they are taught.

Some are even atheists v.8

Because people are under the power of maya

They will proclaim various paths as the best

According to their own nature and activities. v.9

"Each path will have its own believers" v. 10. Each path has a beginning and end, each bears the fruit of the action taken on it. Ultimately, all paths will end and this brings sorrow – except the merging of the self with the Self.

Krishna asks how anyone attached to the objects of this world or the next can be as blissful as one focused on him. Recall that in the 8^th dialogue he answered the question of who he is by making it clear he is the Whole; this particular image is just an image – Krishna is brahman, is Self, the One. Here, in verse 15, he shows this again by saying that not Brahma, nor Shiva nor his own brother-self nor even his own self as worshipped deity is "as dear to me as you are, you who are my devotee." He describes such a one, again, and then says:

Even my devotee who has not yet

Mastered the senses

Will not be overcome by them

Because of the devotion v.18

Again, those very comforting words for someone as weak as myself. He says – Whoa! - Just like Jesus – that devotion to him burns up all sins, all transgressions. And in v.21-22 he makes clear that this path is open to all, even to outcastes. In v.23-30 he instructs and describes how to devote ourselves, urging us to merge ourselves with his Self; to use meditation to help us do this.

Uddhava asks how to meditate, and Krishna replies with very detailed instructions. They are instructions I'd like to follow. And they are even stepped. At first, he says begin by sitting in lotus and concentrate on breathing. While breathing, let the prana flow up the sushumna to the heart chakra, and there let the sacred mantra Om "sound there – like the peal of a bell." Practice combining breath and prana in this manner 10 times, 3 times a day. In a month, he says, you'll have enough control of the prana to begin meditating.

Then he gives instructions on how to meditate, focused in devotion on him, using very specific imagery. While at the same time saying it doesn't matter what form we give him, so long as it is beautiful, serene, and benign. "Let it smile at you and be gracious to you" v.38. Eventually one lets oneself be filled and absorbed by that Self, so that all distance between self and Self is dissolved. "Remain like that, absorbed in Self! Like fire uniting with fire" v.45. One who does this, who achieves the focus required for this, is yogi and "Liberation from the world of multiplicities is near, very near" v.46.

I think I better stick to Easwaran's plan for now. I'm not sure I completely understand how to follow these instructions.

Later – meditation awful today. Well, not really, but had trouble staying on the words of the passage. Mind skittering around, going off on tangents. I had to call it back over and over. It wasn't drowsiness at all, it was monkey brain. I had to make myself start over at the beginning in punishment several times. I didn't allow myself to get frustrated or angry though. Just brought it back. Having re-read Easwaran's warnings about what can happen helped a lot. It reminded me that this is par for the course. It will likely be a frequent problem for me, the more so because I boasted yesterday of not doing this, so it has to show me who is really in charge. Easwaran quotes one of the Christian saints as saying that even if all one does for an hour is bring the mind back, over and over again from one of its side trips, it is an hour well-spent. I believe him. I put my faith in those who have gone before. They must be my gurus for now, as I haven't got a living, breathing one to hand.

At the library I found some gems. A book that explains – or at least tells – the stories of Krishna's earthly life, which I've so been wanting to know. My mental image of Lord Krishna is disembodied, cut off from the context of a human life. I want to know the "biography," the mythology, the story. If I am going to be his devotee, which it appears I am, already so much love wells up inside me for Him – probably partly a transfer of my long love for Jesus. This seems ok to me. Both are just ways for us to connect with God – I don't think either would mind overlapping in my mind and hear. At least – if they do, they aren't really God.

Anyway, I've gathered that the story of Krishna's life inspires easy devotion, much like Jesus and Buddha Gotama. And with Krishna, there is the wonderful additon of (or rather, there is no subtraction, nothing missing from) his infancy, toddlerhood, childhood, pre-teen and teen years. So with Krishna we get all these wonderful stories about his being a cute baby, a holy terror of a two year old, growing up, his friendships, his coming of age, dating – if you can call it that (more like catting around), marrying, settling down and having his own children, becoming a king, having adventures. I mean – it is a whole life. But I don't know it, really, yet. And I'm hungry to. Will I grow closer? Become, as the verse I read today, moved to tears of sorrow at his absence and joy at his return?

Or will seeing the real man make me say "this is no god!" the way the Gospels do? In the gospels, especially Matthew and John, I can't abide the person they depict – haughty, arrogant, enraged, violent, snide, abusive, vengeful and angry. Such a hippocrite, he seems. Which is why I don't believe those gospels are faithful to the man Jesus must have been. Like Rushdie's Mohammed, their god's words sound too conveniently like what the author's would like God to say.

Besides, I don't expect the same things from Krishna that Christians are taught to expect from Jesus. No one claims Krishna to be sinless, pure, chaste, perfect. The point of their lives is different. Humanity's condition is different. While Krishna is already Us, part of the great experiment, whose job is to help us see that He and We are the same, Jesus' job seems (from the Christian POV) to be to tell us He is God and we are not. We are an experiment gone wrong and its subjects in (im)mortal danger. Jesus must save us. Krishna "must" not do anything, but is there as an example and teacher if we'd like to follow. We don't "have" to; nothing terrible will happen to us if we don't.

I guess I'm working on how to explain my choice of path, choice of divine image to my Mom. I don't, otherwise, feel any need to justify myself or attack Jesus or Christianity. I don't want to do that. Even writing this out feels like beating a dead horse. Going through the motions but feeling the angry passion I felt last year as I struggled to prove to myself that I had good reasons for letting Christianity go. I no longer need good reasons. I'm convinced. I have faith in the dharma. And it isn't that I believe people should stop being Christians. Surely emulating Christ will get one to brahman, too.

One other thing I thought of recently was this: there is room inside Hindu philosophy/belief/faith/practice for every other religion/philosophy/science in the world. But there is no room inside modern Christianity for anything but itself. Which then is the greater? In science, in social science, in philosophy, in humanities, in art – in all areas of scholarship and human endeavor, we come to appreciate and esteem the theory with the greatest explanatory power. Hinduism wins, hands down.

June 20

In Dialogue 10, the translator tells us, Krishna reveals the rewards, the powers that come from dedicated, disciplined meditation. These powers are called "siddhis" which means "perfections."

To the yogi of balanced mind

Who is able to fix awareness on me,

Who has both the senses and the prana in control,

The siddhis will offer themselves.

These are pretty cool things! Krishna grants eight of them; the other 10 flow naturally from the guna sattva. These are things like becoming smaller than an atom, seeing the past and future, entering another's body, choosing a different form, choosing one's death, being impervious to hunger, thirst, cold, illness, death. To direct maya with one's will, to have one's will obeyed without objection. These are no small rewards! How much more willing am I to work for these, rather than "heaven"?!

Krishna explains which type of meditation will lead to which gift and notes that one who meditates on all these aspects of Krishna/Brahman will receive all 18. But he notes immediately that those who practice the best yoga, who wish to seek union with Him, "they know that these siddhis are obstacles" v.33

One can immediately see why they would be. Striving to obtain one or all of these gifts is a distraction. If one's goal is to be smaller than an atom, then one's goal is not escape from maya and union with the Self. Or, having meditated in good faith with the goal of union, one could be pulled off course after receiving a siddhi, just as Easwaran warns against being too awed by the mental fireworks or the other shows the mind puts on during meditation. Just like with those, the best course, if one is blessed to receive a siddhi, is to note that one has it, but keep it to the side, with one's focus fixed on Krishna or brahman.

Probably that's why you don't hear of yogis doing these things; they don't. Those who receive these abilities are wise enough not to use them. At least not for themselves and not often. Still, it's exciting to know what gifts await. And one does have the sense that many, many people in India (and China, Nepal, Tibet – all over Asia and S.E. Asia for that matter) DO choose the hour of their own deaths. Also a good number who are impervious to hunger, pain and the elements. I see that a lot in the ethnographies of aging and medical anthropology that I read.

There is so much to read! I want to read it all, absorb it all, do it all. I wish I was able to devote my whole life to these things. I mean, every hour of every day. I still have to do all these professor things, support my family, be a wife, etc. And I still care about those things. But can you imagine how wonderful it would be to spend one's every waking moment in meditation, communion, studying scripture, learning from the wise? Oh, that is a true desire of my heart. It would be perfect if J also wanted that, and we could do that together. How I would love that. Could we maybe find some version of that someday? Some lifetime? Or maybe at least some small taste of it? A retreat, maybe?

Oh! What if we bought a farm that we could turn into a retreat center, and we could bring the gurus to us! And other fellow seekers could come? Everyone can dream, right?