Spring Breakthroughs . . . of Last Year – March 6-10, 2007

I owe everyone e-mails and comments on their blogs and all sorts of other things. But instead I'm just going to post. I've been able to type a few sentences a night, and this is what I've got, so here it is, and I'll be in touch with everyone else soon.

March 6

41

When a superior man hears of the Tao,

He immediately begins to embody it.

When an average man hears of the Tao,

He half believes it, half doubts it.

When a foolish man hears of the Tao,

He laughs out loud.

If he didn't laugh,

It wouldn't be the Tao.

Well, I'm not completely foolish, but neither am I superior. I hate being average, but that is part of the Tao's message to me, to be content being average, "rough and common as a stone." I try to immediately embody the Tao, but maybe because of my lingering doubt, I'm unable to do so completely. Yesterday's message hit on the part I'm most doubtful about – that the world is exactly as it should be, that humans should be like sheep. Will keep working on that.

Thus it is said:

The path into the light seems dark,

The path forward seems to go back,

The direct path seems long,

True power seems weak,

True purity seems tarnished,

True steadfastness seems changeable,

True clarity seems obscure,

The greatest art seems unsophisticated,

The greates love seems indifferent,

The greatest wisdom seems childish.

The Tao is nowhere to be found.

Yet it nourishes and completes all things.

Maybe my biggest problem is a lack of trust. I cannot let go of my rationality, even when I know it is limited. I can't just let go and trust – either the Buddha or Jesus or the writers of the Upanishads and Gita or Lao-Tzu. I recognize their wisdom. I see that the path they prescribe worked for them. And yet I am unwilling to commit myself to one path and let go. Let go of doubt and shame and cynicism and distrust, and logic. Part of that unwillingness is fear of being wrong. Some fear of being betrayed.

I feel betrayed, still, by Christianity. I gave it my whole heart, several times. And it isn't so much that people disappointed me; one expects humans to be human. It is that the Christian texts themselves confuse and anger and bewilder and bedevil me. They don't make sense. And I don't mean that when you compare them to outside measures they fall short, like that they don't meet a scientific test. No, I mean the texts are internally inconsistent. And I have really tried to allow faith and love to overcome those inconsistencies and off-putting statements, but I am finally at a place where I just cannot believe that the texts are right. There has been too much human interference. I do not get the Jesus of the texts.

So maybe I'm afraid I'll get burnt again, made to feel like a fool for believing, if I let go and commit myself to another tenet.

March 7

I wanted to say something about where I had to end yesterday.

All of the teachings of the East seem more right to me than the teachings of the West. They also seem more approachable, and more testable (by me, I mean – not laboratory tests or logical proofs), so one doesn't have to take a giant leap of faith just to get started. And indeed, I have started down the road they lay out. Maybe more than just started. What keeps holding me back from commitment . . . or rather, what keeps being a sticking place, is the cyclical nature of time. I can't believe, as I've said ad naseum, that we go through all of this just to do it again exactly the same way. I know, I know, the arrogance of me telling the Universe wht it ought to be about.

But it seems to me that it is basic human nature to build toward something, to seek improvement. And yes, I teach students all the time to question whether that is just Western bias; we believe in "progress," and so it must be human nature. I know it is pure bias if you mean people are driven to build a better shampoo or to change their agricultural techniques, even, to increase production. People in rural agricultural societies, and pastoralists, etc., are not driven by a desire for material improvement. Their energy goes much more into maintaining the status quo. So perhaps that is human nature. In terms of the East – rural China and India still have religions and philosophies that offer hope of improvement in some areas, right? Self-improvement, at least? Indian philosphy may not promote economic or political or cultural change, but it definitely promotes the idea that people should spend all of their energy on improving themselves.

There has to be something to work for. Doesn't there? It is when I run into phrases that seem to suggest that no, there is nothing to work toward, nothing to change, all is exactly as it should be – or that the ideal state would be an unchanging one in which people lived just to live – it just seems like it can't be right.

But maybe this is all a big misunderstanding on my part. Maybe it's like yesterday's message – that the right path may seem wrong at first. Perhaps these messages of complacency are the darkness at the start of the path into light. Maybe this is where my path forward appears to go back?

I think it is worth operating on that assumption. Keep following the path to see where it takes me. Because I've already learned that some of the other things on the list are true.

True power, like that of my Mom, seems weak. She looks frail, yet look at what she has withstood! The greatest love seems indifferent. I myself, through loving my friends, seemed indifferent the more I learned to love them enough to not try to control them. To let them make their own mistakes and discoveries and simply love them through it. I know they sometimes saw that as indifference.

Many times I've seen the greatest wisdom seem childish, and true purity tarnished. In anthropological theory, it seems often the case that the greatest clarity looks obscure. So, maybe I need to trust that these wise people are wise, and that I need to move further along the path in trust, in suspended disbelief, and see if the meaning doesn't change for me.

So now I'm ready for today's lesson and it is already 8 am!

42

The Tao gives birth to One.

One gives birth to Two.

Two gives birth to three.

Three gives birth to all things.

All things have their back to the female

And stand facing the male.

When male and female combine,

All things achieve harmony.

Ordinary men hate solitude.

But the Master makes use of it,

Embracing her aloneness, realizing

She is One with the whole universe.

At first I thought this one was going to be too mystical to be relevant to me right now. But then I remembered to interpret male and female as yin and yang. Then a whole world of meaning opened up, and maybe is directly relevant to the previous discussion. Recall that in Chinese symbolism, male=power, aggression, change, progress, violence, rationality. Female=power (quiet, hidden power), passivity, receptivity, stillness, sameness, peace and positive emotions.

So, if this starts in the beginning – the Tao is beyond duality, but go further – the Tao is even beyond "oneness" Whoa, dude! When the Tao gives birth to One, and One to Two, then out of duality springs an abundance of diversity. But keep in mind it is all really One. This in turn is part of the Tao.

But when "born" into this unvierse, all things are facing the male – change, linearity, action, aggression. All the stuff I'm worried about. Maybe we focus on that, because it is what is before us. The important point for me is that it isn't either/or. Yes, all of that stuff I crave is in front of me – progress! Behind me, though, supporting me, is the female – the calm stillness, etc. Important because they are both needed. Don't forget that the female is there, since I can't see it. That may be the message for me.

Further, one doesn't have to choose between them – it is when they come together that I, and the world, are in harmony.

I'm not sure I'm saying all of this right, but I get it! It's a breakthrough moment. And then the reminder at the end that all us little "ones," all the diverse beings don't need to scramble around trying to "connect" with one another. Just sit back and remember we are One. Already. No effort needed.

I think this was really helpful today. I feel like I'll be able to move ahead more smoothly.

March 8

I'm all for "early to bed, early to rise," but this three hours a night is getting ridiculous.

43

The gentlest thing in the world

Overcomes the hardest thing in the world.

That which has no substance

Enters where there is no space.

This shows the value of non-action.

Teaching without words,

Performing without actions;

That is the Master's way.

Some of this I get – wind and water overcome rock. Hmm, maybe my newish insight that I need to be gentle and nice to my body, that it will be more effective than force and meanness also fits here. I'm not sure about the next part. That which has no substance – the Tao? Wisdom? Love? Enters where there is no space. No space created for it? No space between things you've tightly organized? Or like this – love, Tao, etc., enters even through a defensive wall that has no cracks? It succeeds where arrows or battering rams would fail. That at least makes sense. But I keep seeing the epidural space, which I have no time to explain. [the epidural space is the space in the spine which the doctor/anesthesiologist has to "feel" for when giving one an epidural. They punch through the skin with the long needle and kind of poke around inbetween the vertebrae, and as my doc explained it, one just develops a sense of when one has hit it by the absence of pressure, a sort of "give."]

All references to teaching interest me. How can I better my teaching through non-action? Allow time for students to think? Don't fill every moment? Those are true, but maybe I can get to a deeper meaning by thinking on it all day, behind the other work.

March 9

44

Fame or integrity; which is more important?

Money or happiness; which is more valuable?

Success or failure; which is more destructive?

If you look to others for fulfillment,

You will never be truly fulfilled.

If your happiness depends on money,

You will never be happy with yourself.

Be content with what you have;

Rejoice in the way things are.

When you realize there is nothing lacking,

The whole world belongs to you.

A good reminder of all the stuff I've been working on. Rejoicing in the way things are! I am really trying to. Maybe I need to say it more often. Inside, I believe it occassionally. The two hardest things to rejoice about are my pain and Jim's unemployment. It is really hard to tell myself that there is nothing lacking when Jim so desperately feels the void. Is this the work we need to do? Accept it at least as temporary? And my pain, I'm getting cloer to stopping hoping for a cure.

March 10

[Long evaluation of pain level and whether certain treatments had worked, getting ready for upcoming epidural and relating discussion with husband about mental control of emotional and physical states].

I believe we can be in that much control. We have to learn how. That is part of what I'm working so hard on. How do I control my response? I can't change the fact of the pain, but I'm trying hard to learn to control how I feel about it. This brings me back to my day. I met with P (my pain psychologist). We eventually got to talking about self-hypnosis and she gave me a CD to get me started, since I can't afford the ones she recommended. Her voice was out of whack, so she couldn't lead me in one, either. But we talked more about how I should do it.

I told her part of what was holding me back was my fear – fear of not doing it right. I'm afraid I won't follow the directions, afraid I won't really let go of my awake mind, afraid that I won't know if I'm in trance or not, afraid I'll either convince myself I am when I'm not, or vice vera, and either way will miss my chance. She put me at ease. Gave me very specific instructions to follow that included what to say to myself, and made it clear that it is going to take practice. It won't happen right away, probably. But once I learn the basic technique of entering trance, then I'll be able to do more complicated things.

One really great thing she said was, "You can't be worried about performance issues. How can you do this wrong? You don't even know what right is, for you. We are all different. Some have a sensation of going up. Others down. Some get heavy, some get light. Some are silent, others speak. Some are still, others move around. Some feel sure they never reached a trance state; until they come back up, and realize it is a long journey back. You are on a journey of exploration," she said. "Go on and enjoy it, go find out who you are. There is a whole other part of you to get to know. Just trust yourself and go."

That was so freeing! To be given permission to just explore – it doesn't have to be a certain way. It isn't something one has to do "just so." And I think that I have been held back from meditation because of this, because I was afraid of not doing it "right." That is why I wanted a yogi, a teacher. So this is another thing I'm excited about. Two things – using the CD and doing it by myself. There will be issue of making time and finding a quiet space, but I think Jim will work with me.

45

True perfection seems imperfect

Yet it is perfectly itself.

True fullness seems empty,

Yet it is fully present.

True straightness seems crooked,

True wisdome seems foolish.

True art seems artless.

The Master allows things to happen.

She shapes events as they come.

She steps out of the way,

And lets the Tao speak for itself.

Things are not as they seem. Perhaps my attempts to go into trance, that seemed very disorganzied and undisciplined, were exactly, perfectly, what they were supposed to be. When I interview people, I can get into that zone, that place of being fully present to the person I'm interviewing, and utterly empty of myself. Sometimes the wisest thing one can do is walk in the rain with no umbrella, dive headfirst into a problem without looking – all which may seem foolish. Remember this! Remember it when criticizing Jim, or when confronted with a difficult-to-understand student. Things and people are not what they seem.

I've understood (if not always remembered) to let things happen, to accept the world as it unfolds. But how does one "allow" in that way while simultaneously "shaping events as they come"? Another paradox. Could it be like when you decide not to react, you shape the way an argument goes?

P told me yesterday she uses Tarot cards as a meditation tool. One day she pulled the ten of spades, which is the one where a man is lying face down with spears penetrating his whole body. And she thought, "Yes! This is exactly how work, the office, makes me feel!" We were talking about choice. Because if she used the deck as a fortune-telling tool, a prediction, she could say "Yep, this is how my day is going to go." And go into the office with that attitude, and of course that is the way the day would go. But what she did was use the Tarot to help her see her choices. And when she got to the office door, she realized she could choose not to be pierced with spears. And she decided to be nice to everyone, stay out of the cliques, go into her office, do her work, stay out of the conflicts, and lo and behold, her experiences at work got much better.

So is this the kind of shaping he means? And this story also illustrates the getting out of the way to let the Tao reveal itself. It hink I get it. Now to do it. Now I really want to go get one of my decks and use it the same way. If not every day, occasionally. Oh dear, another way to put off work. Tell you what – I'll use it as a reward.

March 2-5, 2007

You will of course notice the new look. I visited my brother-in-law's blog a couple weeks ago and realized he used the same template, and we can't have that, can we? So for now, this is what this blog will look like. I am a sucker for personalizing the way things look, and changing them around frequently (which is why I am loving Vista, even if it is supposed to crash more often – which it hasn't yet), so you can probably expect this to happen again. It probably reflects a character flaw, but I do not claim any sort of perfection.

I am sorry it has been so long. I have been so crazy – usual end of semester madness beginning, coupled with lots of presentations and trips and a nephew's visit. All good blogging topics, which is why I want to get this old stuff out of the way.

I guess there is no law that says I have to post all the old before I can say anything new, but we are so close now, just a year and a month away . . .

March 2

35

She who is centered in the Tao

Can go where she wishes, without danger

She perceives the universal harmony,

Even amid great pain

Because she has found peace in her heart.

Music or the smell of good cooking

May make people stop and enjoy

But words that point to the Tao

Seem monotonous and without flavor

When you look for it, there is nothing to see.

When you listen for it, there is nothing to hear.

When you use it, it is inexhaustible.

The last part I get. It is like the broad and narrow paths of Jesus' description. The first part I get intellectually, but it's the same old thing, how does one get to that place? I'm working hard on perceiving the universal harmony amid my pain, but it is hard. Seeing any harmony at all amid Jim's pain, or the suffering of the world, is near impossible.

I can intellectually grasp the need for the purpose of suffering in the world. I get it, about growth and bravery, etc. But when faced with the horrible brutality of life, when reading about hungry and abused children, or watching Jim ache with desire for meaningful work, it feels immoral to take a position that their pain is okay because it serves some greater purpose. Especially if the purpose is one the sufferer will never see, or benefit from personally.

I think the Buddha could pull it off through his great compassion. While seeing the purpose of pain, and how it fit in to the big picture, he could at the same time empathize completely, could feel the other's pain with them, which somehow lessens the burden. I can practice with my husband. Instead of becoming enraged that he is not getting what he deserves, which causes me pain – a lot of it – and then withdrawing in frustration and helplessness, I should empathize. Allow him to feel what he feels, extend to him my deepest compassion, and just let it be. Try to absorb some of his pain by sharing it, and then let it go. Let it be taken by the current of the Tao and dissolved there. I will try. And I need to get my butt meditating every day, even if it means getting up even earlier.

March 3

36

If you want to shrink something

You must first allow it to expand.

If you want to get rid of something

You must firs allow it to flourish

If you want to take something,

You must first allow it to be given

This is called the subtle perception

Of the way things are.

The soft overcomes the hard.

The slow overcomes the fast.

Let your workings remain a mystery.

Just show people the result.

Wow. Once again, there is so much here that is useful. If I want to shrink and get rid of the pain, I have to first allow it to grow and flourish. I know this instinctively. It is what I mean when I say that I need to just lie down somewhere quiet and let the pain be itself. Most of every day I am "on" and all that time, around others, I'm fighting and repressing the pain, squishing it down. That doesn't make it go away though. When I take a time out, and let the pain swell and take over my whole consciousness – just let it be there, what it is, and FEEL it, without fighting it, eventually it subsides on its own, and no longer needs to take up my whole mind.

Can I use this knowledge to control the pain? Can I schedule more breaks into the day, more moments where the pain gets its way, gets to be huge? Maybe then it will fit more neatly into the box I'm always trying to squish it into the rest of the time? Certainly worth a try.

There is so much more I could explore here, even with just the first stanza. What other things in my personality or habits would this work on? Will keep thinking about it, but right now I have to get to work.

March 4

37

The Tao never does anything,

Yet through it all things are done.

If powerful men and women

Could center themselves in it

The whole world would be transformed

By itself, in its natural rhythms.

People would be content

With their simple, every day lives,

In harmony, and free of desire.

When there is no desire,

All things are at peace.

It is truly amazing how much the Buddha and Lao-tzu sound alike. They lived at the same time, but separated by a huge distance. And there is much that is different. Still, how is it that two of the world's greatest religions – three if you count Hinduism, mother of Buddhism – would come to the same conclusions. And many of our Western philosophers and mystics join their ranks. It must be true, right? There is something very attractive about having all the world living their contented lives, in peace, with no desire. But only for a minute. Then I ask myself what makes us better, or different from animals? Lao-Tzu may have thought, in his wisdom, that we aren't anything special; we are just another species, and the point of life is just to live.

Sometimes I agree with him. Our big brains were just an accident, and there is nothing more, so we should just live our lives and enjoy them, because that's it. But I am too much a child of the West to really buy that. There has to be more. Maybe it isn't about using our hands to make technology, maybe it is achieving something mental/psychological/spiritual. But there has to be something worth working for!

38

The Master doesn't try to be powerful;

Thus she is truly powerful.

The ordinary man keeps reaching for power,

Thus he never has enough.

I keep reading the stanzas about power, and I often kind of glaze over, because I'm thinking about rulers, provosts, etc. but how does this apply to me? In what ways do I seek power for myself? The anthro department, in arguments with my spouse, getting control of my father's behavior. Maybe some other areas. Lao-tzu isn't saying power is wrong to have, It just shouldn't be desired. Our desire, what we want, should be focused on other things, like doing the job right, or being a good wife, and a good daughter. If power comes your way because you done a good job, you need to stay focused on the job, and not be distracted, attracted, seduced, overcome, or lazy because of the power. With personal relationships, we need . . . I need . . . to let go of the desire to control. Period.

The Master does nothing,

Yet she leaves nothing undone.

The ordinary man is always doing things,

Yet many more are left to be done.

There is a lesson here I really need to learn. Man, I am really having a hard time keeping my eyes open. This is a nasty dizzy druggy feeling. I keep reading and writing through slitted eyes, and I think even going in and out of consciousness. But I don't want to give up because it is my only time for this.

Okay, all the things I feel I have to do. All I leave undone. How do I learn to do nothing at all and yet leave nothing undone? It has to do with doing each task mindfully, not thinking of it as a task or a chore. It is just the next thing. I guess if you can do that all day, at the end all things are done.

I've had tastes of days like this but I need more practice, and some guidance would be nice.

The kind man does something,

Yet something remains undone.

The just man does something,

And leaves many things to be done,

The moral man does something,

And when no one responds,

He rolls up his sleeves and uses force.

When the Tao is lost, there is goodness.

When goodness is lost, there is morality.

When morality is lost, there is ritual.

Ritual is the husk of faith,

The beginning of chaos.

Therefore the Master concerns himself

With the depths and not the surface

With the fruit and not the flower.

He has no will of his own.

He dwells in reality

And lets all illusions go.

Have to bail out for awhile, but the above speaks for itself. The Buddha could have written it.

March 5

39

In harmony with the Tao,

The sky is clear and spacious,

The earth is solid and full,

All creatures flourish together,

Content with the way they are,

Endlessly repeating themselves,

Endlessly universal.

When man interferes with the Tao,

The sky becomes filthy,

The earth becomes depleted,

The equilibrium crumbles,

Creatures become extinct.

The Master views the parts with compassion,

Because he understands the whole.

His/her constant practice is humility.

She doesn't glitter like a jewel

But lets herself be shaped by the Tao,

As rugged and common as a stone.

The Use of Force (End of Feb 2007, cont)

It's funny that last year I was still excited to see snow in late February; by that time this year I had had quite enough of the white stuff!

February 26

I had the bizarre experience on Friday of being asked my opinion of someone I went to graduate school with. The person was in the pool for a faculty job on campus, and might get the call to come and visit. Unfortunately, I couldn't rave about the individual, because I do not know that much about the person's scholarship, but suspect it is not the highest our department has ever turned out. I am also not sure about work ethic. I do know the individual is a very nice person, very collegial, and cares a great deal about undergraduate education. So I was able to say that, and I did so. I always wanted to have that kind of power, but actually having it was not pleasant. Maybe if I'd felt more either way, but I really couldn't do more than be wishy-washy. As the Tao te Ching reminds us, power is a dangerous thing, only to be used to lead, not to control. Oh, funny! I opened the book after I wrote the above, and look what it says:

Whoever rules on the Tao in governing men

Doesn't try to force issues

Or defeat enemies by force of arms.

For every force there is a counterforce.

Violence, even well-intentioned,

Always rebounds on itself.

The Master does her job

And then stops.

She understands that the universe

Is forever out of control,

And that trying to dominate events

Goes against the current of the Tao.

Because she believes in herself,

She doesn't try to convince others.

Because she is content with herself

She doesn't need others approval.

Because she accepts herself,

The whole world accepts her.

Like the Bible, I always open this book and find what I need. Actually, it is much easier to find what I need. With the Bible, I am just as likely to find a battle or a genealogy. Again I think anyone who thinks the Bible is the greatest repository of wisdom in the world hasn't read any other wise books of the world – or at least hasn't read them with enough knowledge or open-mindedness to get them.

Okay, I'm not really ruling anyone, or in a position of power over anyone but my students. This is still applicable. We have a faculty meeting tomorrow; I don't need to keep inserting my voice, or feeling impatient, because I'm not talking. I should not struggle to dominate events, or steer them in my pet direction. I should, though, be confident in my vision, my skills, and my knowledge. When I'm consulted or it's my turn to speak, I should speak out of confidence, out of my contentedness with my theoretical approach.

Likewise in my classes, I need to speak out of my knowledge. I am competent, skilled and knowledgeable about some things, and I need to speak out of that. My confidence in qualitative methods, for example, will speak so much louder than any attempt to "convince" people. I've already seen that happen. Instead of teaching defensively I've just extolled the virtues of ethnography and had them read some. They got it, and they like it better than last semester, when I did a lot of bashing of other quantitative methods.

31

Weapons are the tools of violence;

All decent men detest them.

Weapons are the tools of fear;

A decent man will avoid them

Except in the direst necessity

And, if compelled, will use them

Only with the utmost restraint.

Peace is his highest value.

If the peace has been shattered,

How can he be content?

His enemies are not demons,

But human beings, like himself.

He doesn't wish them personal harm,

Nor does he rejoice in victory.

How could he rejoice in victory

And delight in the slaughter of men?

He enters a battle gravely,

With sorrow and great compassion,

As if he were attending a funeral.

This is applicable on so many levels. The very personal – fighting with Jim. If a word causes harm, it is a weapon. I need to think about using them with this in mind. And on the global stage, how can any of us supposedly decent people be content when there is so little peace in the world? Should we be actively pursuing peace? Or does that fall under "trying to change the world?"

What is absolutely clear is the value of pursuing and maintaining peace in one's personal life. Fighting fair, only when it is really necessary, and never delighting in victory. Terrorists in Al-Qaeda are not demons but men (and women and children), and my husband also is a human just like me, struggling to do his best in a difficult world. So when I'm angry, I need to remember that. Will help me keep the weapons in their sheaths. Whoa! I have to get to work!

I didn't have time that day to write about it, but what I would have written then and what strikes me again today is how differently Lao-tzu approaches the use of force from how all of the Semitic religions do. Jews, Christians and Muslims all accuse one another of being the bloodiest, and I don't know if it is possible to determine who in fact has more blood on their hands. Each one of them does. So, for that matter, does China, despite the ideologies of peace its wise men produced.

What is important is that all of the People of the Book say they are religions of peace, but they have so many strands woven into their theologies about just and holy wars. All use the Torah, for one thing, with its stories of Yahweh leading His people into battle over and over again, calling for bloodletting and revenge, proclaiming war as the only right and possible course of action. At least when Buddhists and Taoists go to war, they know they are doing it against their religion. There is no equivocation in what Lao-tzu says here, or what the Buddha said about force and soldiering. It will not take you to enlightenment. It is a step down the wrong path – period. No ifs ands or buts. No such thing as good guys fighting a war against the "evil-doers" because as soon as you pick up a weapon you ARE an evil-doer.

There are so many people of all religions praying for peace right now. What would happen if all of us just in the United States went on strike? What if all of us in the first world did and it caught on all around the globe? Start with us because we are the ones who can afford to miss a few meals. Forced our governments to come to some peaceful resolution of the things we think are most pressing – Iraq, Israel, Sudan, Congo, Nepal, Chechnya, where else? Just told them we won't work, buy gas, or anything but the food to survive until you all figure it out. I guess I'm feeling a little punch-drunk but I'm so tired of waiting for people of good will to act . . .

February 27
Meds aren't working to either stop the pain or keep me asleep. This is beyond old. The woman in the book I'm reading has MS, and she makes a great speech about ho it is just "part of her sky. Like the little dipper; sometimes it's the brightest constellation in the sky, sometimes its not, but it's always there."

Maybe it would help me to start really accepting this pain as part of me. Instead of hoping and believing it will go away some day, and always subconsciously (or consciously) waiting for that day, maybe I would deal with it better if I just accepted it was here forever. I'm sure I could be more stoic. Every morning I have a moment where I ask "is it gone?" and then experience disappointment and anger and self-pity when it isn't. why not just remove that stimulus?

Speaking of self-pity, the book heroine also gives a great speech about being fortunate. When asked if she ever wonders "why me?" she looks shocked and says, paraphrasing, "No. Why NOT me? I have health insurance, good friends, paid sick leave, retirement and disability for when I can no longer work. I am in one of the best positions for this to happen to. I have had tremendous good fortune in my life. I'm not so arrogant as to believe none of the world's misfortune should fall on me."

Isn't this just the perfect answer? And in a lot of ways, I do feel this. I have really tried to catch myself any and every time I asked the why me question by reminding myself what a privileged life I lead. The why I do still ask is about punishment, or even karma. Is there something I did wrong that I can fix? But when analyzed in this light, isn't that just as arrogant? Do all those suffering in the world (read: everyone) deserve it? Are they being punished for something? I know I don't believe that. So what, I'm so special that God singled me out for this lesson? Right. The punishment thing just doesn't make sense no matter how I look at it. This doesn't mean there aren't things I should be working on.

That's a different question. It is subtle, though, the difference. It isn't about searching for the "lesson" so that I can learn it and be done – as it would be if it worked more like punishment. It's more that this pain just is. It is, and may forever be. I can moan and groan about it, but I can also learn things about it. From it. Maybe more like a hurricane. One doesn't come as a punishment from God, but once one comes we can learn a lot about weather systems and levee systems and evacuation procedures and building techniques and city infrastructure. And some of the things we learn will point to mistakes we made in past building and management, and show us how to plan and organize better for the future. Just because the hurricane exposed a problem doesn't mean the hurricane was sent BECAUSE of the problem, or with the intent, the purpose of exposing the problem.

February 28

[two-page discussion of all the work to be done that weekend] I ought to be meditating. Maybe that would help me calm down and focus. I really have to learn how to do that. I feel torn in what I have to do, have to learn. On one hand, it's essential for me to learn to slow down, be calm, and accept the world for what it is. But at the same time I need to step it up, work harder and faster, be more obsessive about my work, push myself. There must be a way to see this that isn't contradictory, that doesn't pit the two goals against one another. Do the work and leave it alone, Lao-tzu says. And the Gita also has useful things to say about doing the work in front of one, without investing in it.

Maybe it would help to practice being mindful about each task. Approach writing an exam as a spiritual act, a form of prayer, an act of devotion. If I were Hindu I could/would devote each piece of work to a god. A kind of sacrifice. Why not do that? The need or desire for perfection could thus be transformed into a holy act; the need to present only perfect (or at least very good) work to the gods. I like that idea. It would also help me to let go of work once it is finished. It isn't mine, because I have given it away, offered it up.

Even as a child, I really loved the idea of devotion, of service to God, of abject, total surrender in the name of love and respect. Christianity appeals to me largely for that reason. But I have thought my way out of being able to worship Yahweh or Jesus right now. I find it much easier to worship Krishna or Shiva, because they are not "real," because I understand them as faces of God, doors into the Absolute, not pretending to themselves or us to BE the Absolute Reality. I can also use the idea of the Tao. Each work is a gift in service to the Tao, pictured as the Great Mother River, for example.

I guess that is a big part of why I am uncomfortable with Christianity. I realize Mom would say my picture of God is too small, but I think her's is. How can the Origin of the Universe be as petty and small-minded as Yahweh is represented as being? Jesus as a doorway, a pointer to the Truth, I can accept. But Jesus AS the one and only Truth? I just can't.

However I conceptualize it, I think turning both my work and my pain over to God as I understand "It" would help me in a lot of ways. Help me see my two tasks as really one.

I'm short on time now, so will not write out my reading for yesterday.

33

Knowing others is intelligence;

Knowing yourself is true wisdom.

Mastering others is strength;

Mastering yourself is true power.

If you realize that you have enough,

You are truly rich.

If you stay in the center

And embrace death with your whole heart

You will endure forever

I'm not anywhere close to embracing death with my whole heart, but I am very interested in knowing and mastering myself. Sometimes I truly realize I have enough, and more than enough. But I am susceptible to advertising too, and to Jim's occasional discontent, and I forget how much I have and want more. When I am at home and work, I'm mostly fine. But walking into any store is bad. I see things and I want them. Or sometime sat home I think of consumer items and clothes that I want. So I'll add to my list a reminder to counter each one of those thoughts with gratefulness for what I have. And I should do the same with the pain and the work. Find something in it to be grateful for. That isn't hard. I can always think of things to appreciate. The hard part is remembering to say thank you. So I'll work on it. I know the "attitude of gratitude" thing works, from practicing on it before, and it is all part of mastering oneself.

March 1

34

The great Tao flows everywhere

All things are born from it

Yet it doesn't create them.

It pours itself into its work,

Yet it makes no claim.

It nourishes infinite worlds,

Yet it doesn't hold onto them.

Since it is merged with all things

And hidden in their hearts,

It can be called humble

Since all things vanish into it

And it alone endures,

It can be called great

It isn't aware of its greatness

Thus it is truly great

From a Judeo-Christian viewpoint, this describes a Source unacceptably aloof, uninvolved, and distant. There is part of me that reads it that way, even though I know to do so is to misunderstand it. This is the Tao as the model for how I should approach my own work. Create things, let them flow out of you, and put your whole self into them, but do not hold on. Understand that each thin you create will take on a life of its own. Release it, fill of you, into the world and don't try to control what it does or how it gets used and changed. Clearly this is also how to parent children.

So from a Taoist point of view, Yahweh is hopelessly, unhealthily entangled in his own creation. He did a beautiful act, creating the world out of himself, but he tried too hard to control and manipulate his creation. He thought of it as his, instead of releasing it to be what it would be. And he's too emotionally invested in it, always interfering to make it come out the way he originally envisioned, getting angry with the creatures when they don't behave the way he thought they would, though he gave them free will . . .

One can see why some of the Eastern Gnostics came to see Yahweh as a wayward child. Who do I want to be more like? While I'm attracted to the drama attendant on any attempt to control things, I believe it is an unhealthy attraction, and anymore, one that is too painful to bear. I'd prefer to try to mold myself on the Tao. This really is not a matter of actively molding but of letting go and returning to my natural state.

Work diligently, be creative and allow ideas to flow out of me into the world. Let go as an offering. Release control as a way to be more myself. We all know that instinctively. So let it be. Let myself be.

Pain Seems to Block the Learning . . .

There is quite a bit in the next few posts about pain, so an explanation seems called for. I thought about just cutting those parts out, but I don't think my spiritual development can be understood without knowing the serious, unrelenting, long term pain I have been in for almost three years now. For those who don't know, the problem is spinal chord damage from shingles. It is like having a permanent case of the shingles. And it does appear to be permanent, because nerves do not heal, although there is some hope that they can re-wire themselves. However, now that they are pretty sure the damage goes beyond the nerve ganglia to the spinal chord itself, there is virtually nothing that can be done except palliative care and learning to live with it. At first I kept searching for a cure, some way to "fix" the problem. Once I began to accept there was no fixing it, I began to do a lot better emotionally, as I realized I had to find a way to accommodate the pain in my life. That acceptance has fueled my growth in ways that I can't quantify, but I guess you can judge for yourself as we progress through these "pages." I apologize for all the extra space; I have begun using Office 2007 to create the posts, but the transfer isn't goin as smoothly as I might hope and I don't have the energy to fix it right now.

February 24

Pain has been and still is just extraordinary. I had forgotten it could be this bad. I didn't realize, and so was not grateful enough, for how much relief I had been getting. It makes it extremely hard to ignore. I wish I would have been more appreciative of the relief from that than I've been. I am still not having the shooting pain like it was in the beginning, nor is the skin pain so bad. So I'm trying really hard to be grateful for that. It's difficult to muster up gratitude when your right torso is trying to tell you it's in urgent need of attention. So it's been a long 24 hours.

My meeting with P [my pain psychotherapist] was good; I think we are finally starting to get somewhere. My guess is that she has been getting to know me, probing me a little, to figure out if hypnosis would work, and I think she's also taking note of specific things we might want to work on and how we might work. For example, I told her about my image of my pain as a symphony, and she noted it. Maybe she'll use that to help me in a hypnotic session. We went over all the treatment options Dr. ___ discussed with me. . .

February 25

[Talking about the snowstorm] I'm giddy! But don't let that fool you – the pain is horrendous. I can't believe I thought it was bad three weeks ago. What was I complaining about? Spoiled. I'd gotten spoiled. . . I have to really concentrate to see the page in front of me. My eyes really want to just unfocus and close a little bit. I've noticed this problem for awhile. Seems to be worse with the methadone thrown into the mix. Does anyone realize how fucked up I am all the time? Cymbalta, Lyrica, Vicodin, and Methadone. All mind-altering drugs. All sedating. And yet my pain is still terrible. Obviously I need to try something new. I'm ready to be the healthy person I'm now visualizing at least 10 times a day. I'm highly motivated to change my life and get rid of ALL these drugs.

I'm going to have to invest in those self-hypnosis/meditation CDs. Need to begin working. I want to make the commitment and get going. Going to look at the exercises in the pain book K gave me today; see if I can find something good there. The good thing about sedatives? It makes it very easy to go into trance.

Do you want to improve the world?

I don't think it can be done.

The world is sacred

It can't be improved

If you tamper with it, you'll ruin it

If you treat it like an object, you'll lose it

But . . . but, but, but . . . that is what my mind is saying. Not exactly an articulate response. Here is where the West conflicts, hard, with the East. I can dig that the world is sacred; even that it has to be balanced between ugly and beautiful, etc. But define "tampering". Shouldn't we be increasing the store of good in ourselves? Is that tampering with the balance? What if you act to stop others from tampering and from treating the world as an object? Is that tampering? I realize this predates Buddhism in China, but isn't it over this question that Mahayana and Theravada Buddhism split?

I get the philosophy, that the world is perfect the way it is. But I have eyes and ears! How can I believe such a thing in my heart? Only, as I've realized before, by truly believing that it is all about learning. That it has to be this way for the Universe to learn about Itself. Or really, the Source of the universe. Tell that to a starving child, or a teen in a ghetto gang, or a Mexican, discriminated against and hated for their skin and language. Or a Brazilian or Iraqi mother. The pain in the world seems endless.

And if it is as easy to ruin as this poem implies, don't we good guys(?) have to work against those who are tampering and ruining and losing? It goes on:

There is a time for being ahead,

A time for being behind;

A time for being in motion,

A time for being at rest;

A time for being vigorous,

A time for being exhausted

A time for being safe

A time for being in danger

The Master sees things as they are,

Without trying to control them.

She lets them go their own way,

And resides at the center of the circle.

Of course. It's a matter of knowing when to act, such that it isn't tampering. How do I become that wise? Apparently by not trying to control things. I can barely write, because I can't see.

Try not to control things. Don't try to control things. Let the world, and the pain, be what it is. Guess that includes the sedation, as well. Okay. Will lie down and let it take me.

Later

Know the male

Yet keep to the female;

Receive the world in your arms

If you receive the world,

The Tao will never leave you

And you will be like a little child.

Know the white

Yet keep to the black;

Be a pattern for the world.

If you are a pattern for the world

The Tao will be strong inside you

And there will be nothing you can't do.

Know the personal,

Yet keep to the impersonal;

Accept the world as it is.

If you accept the world,

The Tao will be luminous inside you

And you will return to your primal self.

The world is formed from the void,

Like utensils from a block of wood.

The Master knows the utensils,

Yet keeps to the block;

Thus she can use all things.

I wasn't feeling this the whole time I was writing it. That's usually a sign that it is over my head. Partly that's because he's using culturally-specific references. What did "male" and "black" mean to Lao-tzu? My guess is he's making reference to the energies associated with yin and yang. Yin is white and female – but no, it must be black. Okay, yin is black and female, Yang is white and male. Yang is active passionate, lively, intellectual, cultural. Yin is passive, calm, gentle, emotionally even, and natural. So then it makes more sense, and is consistent with the rest of what I've learned.

The Last of the Pre-Typed (More Feb 2007)

Well, this is the last of the journal entries I typed up last summer. From here on out, I have to actually read through them, find the relevant passages, and type them up. The downside, obviously, is that I won't have much time for doing that until the semester ends [only five more weeks!], except late at night when I can't sleep and the weekends. The upside is that I will be much more likely to add my current two-cents.

February 15

24

He who stands on tiptoe

Doesn’t’ stand firm.

He who rushes ahead

Doesn’t get far.

He who tries to shine

Dims his own light.

He who defines himself

Can’t know who he really is.

He who has power over others

Can’t empower himself.

He who clings to his work

Will create nothing that endures.

If you want to accord with the Tao,

Just do your job, then let go.



Okay. A needed reminder to stop beating myself up for a lot of things. Just before I opened the book I almost wrote to chastise myself for not learning the lessons of the Tao fast enough. I don’t really know how to be, other than hyper-critical of myself. Though notice that I didn’t write it. So maybe I can actually learn. Maybe, as this suggests, it would be helpful to think of it as presumptuous, as standing on tippytoe, to be farther along this spiritual path than I am. Taoism is all about recognizing where and who one is, and letting that be okay. Not being complacent about character flaws, but accepting them for what they are and learning to work with them.
I don’t need to be a spiritual superstar, is what this says to me. If I try, I’ll only get in my own way. Just keep practicing the trick of doing my work, and letting it go.



February 18

It is 8:45 pm, and I’m on a plane, nearing Milwaukee. Can feel the beginning of the descent. There is a nun sitting in front of me, and she was complaining to one of her traveling companions about one of the ministers somewhere, who offended her in some way, and the listener said, “Don’t worry, Sister, God will get ‘im.” Now that’s Christian charity. The nun had already given me bad vibes. Isn’t that awful of me? Making judgments on such little info? Or is it just being a good anthropologist? Well – as long as I don’t mean judgment as in “judging.” Calling a spade a spade is alright, so long as I’m asking why the spade is a spade. It felt to me earlier, watching her in the terminal, like the nun was playing on her habit to get favors, or special treatment. And she seemed not very intelligent. But I don’t have much to go on, and maybe I’m just being ageist.



February 19

I slipped a bit with [a new person I met] . . . [started to discuss what was wrong with this person] Well, its not her. I need to worry about me. Its me. Why did I allow a stranger’s rapid assessment of me affect me? I’m disturbed about it. Everyone doesn’t have to like me. I don’t have to worry about whether people like me or not. Do I like me?


I don’t like how self-centered I am. I noticed several – multiple – times when I was thinking about myself instead of thinking about others. When I noticed, I tried to correct the behavior. But I would really like to figure out how to not think first of myself in the first place. I’ll just keep at it. I believe pain has contributed to an already present tendency to be selfish. My side is so loud, so much of the time, its hard to think of anything else. That’s no excuse. It just means I have to find a way around the loud voice of the pain. Hmmm – that’s an insight! One of the ways to approach this is to try to improve my listening skills. If, when I’m talking to another I remember and apply all I know about interviewing and listening, which is a lot, that will really help get me out of my self. Okay, I’ll try it.



25

There was something formless and perfect

Before the universe was born.

It is serene. Empty.

Solitary. Unchanging.

Infinite. Eternally present.

It is the mother of the universe.

For lack of a better name, I call it the Tao.

It flows through all things,

Inside and outside, and returns

To the origin of all things.



The Tao is great.

The universe is great.

Earth is great.

Man is great.

These are the four great powers.



Man follows the earth.

Earth follows the universe.

Universe follows the Tao.

The Tao follows only itself.



I think I’ll just let that stand as it is. A reminder of what’s truly important as I go through this day of work.



February 20

My horoscope recognized my stress level and told me to “get centered.” Doesn’t that imply I should stay home? Man, the pain is so bad. Kind that makes you moan and want to just scream.



26

The heavy is the root of light.

The unmoved is the source of all movement.



Isn’t this something from physics, too? The idea of the unmoved mover? Or is that just Plato? Or oops – Aristotle? And I think the Judeo Christian God is referred to that way, as is Brahman. I guess it’s a universal idea. I can’t think it all out right now, but its about the same thing I wonder about, the source. How can movement and sin and chaos come out of a still, good, ordered source? A puzzle for all religions.



Thus the Master travels all day

Without leaving home.

However splendid the views,

She stays serenely in herself.



I don’t think I get all of what this is saying. Just the obvious, about not being swayed by every attractive thing that passes. I don't think I'm thinking straight today.
I realized in Texas that part of why my classes have felt so awful is that I’ve let myself be swayed by the hum dev textbook. Realized I have to reclaim the adolescents and the statistics and show my students the real people. Stay true to myself.



February 22

27

A good traveler has no fixed plans

And is not intent upon arriving.



Don’t I know this about travel? Why can’t I extend it to the rest of my life?



A good artist lets his intuition

Lead him wherever it wants.

A good scientist has freed himself of concepts

And keeps his mind open to what is.

Thus the Master is available to all people

And doesn’t reject anyone.

She is ready to use all situations

And doesn’t waste anything.

This is called embodying the light.



What is a good man but a bad man’s teacher?

What is a bad man but a good man’s job?

If you don’t understand this, you will get lost,

However intelligent you are.

It is the great secret.



I love this stanza!

This is still one of my most favorite stanzas in the whole book. I suppose as a teacher it particularly appeals to me, but I love this whole "chapter." Looking back at last February, I have to wonder how much pain was affecting everything I was doing. I am so grateful that I have better pain control today. Better . . . not perfect. But meditation is the very best medicine of all.

Do I Even Want to Be that Wise? - More Feb 2007

Here are some great examples of how it doesn't all go smoothly, how some lessons are hard to even begin to learn, to incorporate. I remember just feeling so resistant to the message in these parts of the Tao te Ching, not wanting to take them in. And now, after a year of working on similar things, I still have resistance to some of them.

February 11, 2007
20
Stop thinking, and end your problems.
What difference between yes and no?
What difference between success and failure?
Must you value what others value?
Avoid what others avoid?
How ridiculous!

My first response – easy for you to say! What responsibilities did you have? Had you worked half your life to get to a position where you could train young people? I realize these are in some ways excuses. And maybe he meant only do this to a point, or in certain domains. I mean, I really doubt he counseled people, say fathers of hungry children, not to worry about whether they went to work or not.

So . . . where and when and how should this be applied? Obvious arenas would be fashion and worries about one’s appearance. I think it has to be more than that. About whether one gets promoted, or wins an election, stuff like that. Beyond that is, doing one’s work. We must do our work, but don’t think or worry about what that work will bring us. That seems right. So, teach, and teach well, but don’t use techniques just because they are popular, for example. Don’t worry too much about whether students will like you, or like the technique. Is that what he means?

Other people are excited,
As though they were at a parade.
I alone don’t care.
I alone am expressionless,
Like an infant before it can smile.

I love the last phrase. Its before one has learned what one’s parents think; before one knows what one’s culture labels good or bad. It isn’t that the infant is unhappy with things, or that they actively “don’t care.” Its that they are just taking it all in – smiling faces, mashed peas, smell of rotten eggs – its all just information, flat, equal. This is something I can "grok," that this would be a good state to be in. There is no conflict here with working for me. One works, but doesn’t label praise or people ignoring you as good or bad.

Other people have what they need;
I alone possess nothing.
I alone drift about
Like someone without a home.
I am like an idiot, my mind is so empty.

Again, I feel like saying, “good for you!” I mean, I am nowhere near even wanting to be this above good and bad; I want a home, I label that good. I can see that this might be the ultimate goal, this is how one would be if one truly got it. But right now I don’t even want to be that wise. I guess I can accept it as signpost. This is the direction in which to move.

Other people are bright;
I alone am dark.
Other people are sharp;
I alone am dull.
Other people have a purpose;
I alone don’t know.
I drift like a wave on the ocean,
I blow as aimless as the wind.

I am different from other people.
I drink from the Great Mother’s breasts.

This one, for me, is a good preview of what I ultimately am aiming for. A description of who I might be at the end of the journey. I’m certainly not even close to truly wanting to be there yet. I still desire to be bright and sharp. This is a message from a great-great-great-great-grandmother to a child. Or a teen. Ok, maybe a young adult, busy in the middle of life. There might be spiritual geniuses who are this way at my age or earlier, but I am not one of them.
Still, what I can take from this is that it is serious, this not-labeling, this moving beyond duality. It can be done, more deeply than I can conceive of right now. So I just need to keep practicing.

February 12
21
The Master keeps her mind
Always at one with the Tao;
That is what gives her radiance.

The Tao is ungraspable.
How can her mind be at one with it?
Because she doesn’t cling to ideas.

So maybe part of my problem, for instance, with both working toward good and accepting things as they are, is that I’m clinging to ideas. Maybe what would be better is to believe in working toward good when that is appropriate, and accept things when that is. Like the serenity prayer, but it might be the same thing I need to feel two different ways about at the same time. It is the idea of linearity I am clinging to. The idea that only one time happens at once. And that time passes in an order.

Also the idea of rationality, and, I guess, a kind of consistency. Instead I should remember it is all dialogic, dialectical. It is possible for humans to believe 2 contradictory, mutually exclusive things at the same time. It is that faculty I should cultivate. Stop clinging to ideas. Ideas of God, humanity, good, evaluations, etc.

The Tao is dark and unfathomable.
How can it make her radiant?
Because she lets it.

Oh! Couldn’t it be saying that because she doesn’t cling to an idea of the Tao being dark, it can be radiant? Just because once it was useful to think of the Tao as a river doesn’t mean it is a river. I think I get it. But its much bigger, isn’t it? We create reality by naming it, believing it. Like, gravity might only work because we believe it to. We “cling” to the idea of our universe working a certain way. But what happens if it doesn’t? I mean, what happens if one stops clinging to that idea? Could one fly? Levitate?

I think this is the answer. Part of it. It is why people in Chinese movies can fly, or float during battles, because they’ve learned not to cling to one version of reality. Does this mean I might somehow learn to not cling to the idea of my body with damaged nerves? Could I “let” a different, undamaged reality emerge? Maybe. But that seems pretty advanced. Perhaps I should begin with ideas that aren’t so insistent. But surely I could/can practice not believing in my screaming side. What could it hurt? Last stanza:

Since before time and space were,
The Tao is.
It is beyond is and is not.
How do I know this is true.
I look inside myself and see.

Yeah! So that is what it was saying; The Tao is not bound by our current conceptions of time and space. Why should it be? So, if one can learn to reside in the Tao, one would not be bound by those things, either. Thus the tradition in Chinese story-telling where Master’s move faster than the eye can follow, be both ahead of and behind their enemies, perform impossible physical feats. Why not also travel around in time? Bring people back from the dead? Any miracle you can think of.

Great. I get it. How can I apply it to me? I need to begin by noticing what ideas I’m clinging to. I mean, what ideas are holding me back, interfering with my ability to be in the Tao? To be loving and patient and all the other things I’d like to be?

I’ll work on noticing those and maybe I can present myself with alternative ideas, just like in the behavioral/cognitive therapy I did. Try believing the new ideas, and hold in my mind the reality that I can choose which idea to believe in. Start with these – pain and being a bad teacher. Going to try to flood myself with alternate realities/ideas on these two subjects today.

February 13
22
If you want to become whole,
Let yourself be partial.
If you want to become straight,
Let yourself be crooked.

Is this about accepting yourself as you are? The way to wholeness and health is to let things be as they are; the act of acceptance itself straightens you out?

If you want to be full,
Let yourself be empty.
If you want to be reborn,
Let yourself die.
If you want to be given everything,
Give everything up.

Acceptance of where and who one is allows one to begin to change. Or it changes one’s perceptions, or both. One must embrace death (so even one’s own terrible situation) before one can be reborn. Applied to teaching, or being a teacher – I don’t think this means “live out the semester in misery so you can have it (semester) die and be reborn next fall. No, I think I have to accept, like this morning, that class was deathly dull, and that I had a hand in making it that way. Let the teacher I was yesterday die, so I can be reborn today.

The Master, by residing in the Tao,
Sets an example for all beings.
Because she doesn’t display herself,
People can see her light.
Because she has nothing to prove,
People can trust her words.
Because she doesn’t know who she is,
People recognize themselves in her.
Because she has no goal in mind,
Everything she does succeeds.

All seems understandable until you hit “doesn’t know who she is.” But that means doesn’t recognize oneself as a being apart. I think. Was this what Jesus was saying? And then there’s that goal thing. How do I have no goals? I can’t swing that yet. In terms of “goals for how others should respond to or treat me,” yes. But not life goals.

When the ancient Masters said,
“if you want to be given everything, give everything up.”
They weren’t using empty phrases.
Only in being lived by the Tao
Can you be truly yourself.

Oh! There’s Jesus again! And I love those last lines. But I have to run.

February 14
[long discussion of all that has to be done] okay, what would my spiritual masters say? Do what can be done. Do each task as thoughtfully as possible. Do the work, and don’t worry about the rest. Try to move into the still center. Let the Tao, or the River of life, run through me, blessing all I do. Let the Tao live me. Okay. What is today’s particular message?

23
Express yourself completely,
Then keep quiet.
Be like the forces of nature;
When it blows, there is only wind;
When it rains, there is only rain;
When the clouds pass, the sun shines through.

Umm – that doesn’t seem true; it often rains and blows together. But maybe he’s saying don’t water-down your feelings, but feel them purely. But also don’t go on and on about them. Feel it, express it fully, and then be done with it. Like the rain when it suddenly stops and the sun comes out.

If you open yourself to the Tao
You are at one with the Tao
And you can embody it completely.
If you open yourself to insight,
You are at one with insight
And you can use it completely.
If you open yourself to loss,
You are at one with loss
And you can accept it completely.

Open yourself to the Tao,
Then trust your natural responses;
And everything will fall into place.

This seems like advice specifically given to someone in mourning. And, obviously from my initial response, I’m feeling resistant. I’m not opening myself fully. I may not be in mourning for a person, but our lives are full of loss. And it appears that all the world’s spiritual leaders want us to give everything away, so that will occasion more loss. Here is permission to experience grief completely, to embody it like a thunderstorm, and then be quiet. I’m sure I could work harder to apply this to me, but I need to get going. I’m too full of anxiety about work. Need to try to let it go.