The Use of Force (End of Feb 2007, cont)

It's funny that last year I was still excited to see snow in late February; by that time this year I had had quite enough of the white stuff!

February 26

I had the bizarre experience on Friday of being asked my opinion of someone I went to graduate school with. The person was in the pool for a faculty job on campus, and might get the call to come and visit. Unfortunately, I couldn't rave about the individual, because I do not know that much about the person's scholarship, but suspect it is not the highest our department has ever turned out. I am also not sure about work ethic. I do know the individual is a very nice person, very collegial, and cares a great deal about undergraduate education. So I was able to say that, and I did so. I always wanted to have that kind of power, but actually having it was not pleasant. Maybe if I'd felt more either way, but I really couldn't do more than be wishy-washy. As the Tao te Ching reminds us, power is a dangerous thing, only to be used to lead, not to control. Oh, funny! I opened the book after I wrote the above, and look what it says:

Whoever rules on the Tao in governing men

Doesn't try to force issues

Or defeat enemies by force of arms.

For every force there is a counterforce.

Violence, even well-intentioned,

Always rebounds on itself.

The Master does her job

And then stops.

She understands that the universe

Is forever out of control,

And that trying to dominate events

Goes against the current of the Tao.

Because she believes in herself,

She doesn't try to convince others.

Because she is content with herself

She doesn't need others approval.

Because she accepts herself,

The whole world accepts her.

Like the Bible, I always open this book and find what I need. Actually, it is much easier to find what I need. With the Bible, I am just as likely to find a battle or a genealogy. Again I think anyone who thinks the Bible is the greatest repository of wisdom in the world hasn't read any other wise books of the world – or at least hasn't read them with enough knowledge or open-mindedness to get them.

Okay, I'm not really ruling anyone, or in a position of power over anyone but my students. This is still applicable. We have a faculty meeting tomorrow; I don't need to keep inserting my voice, or feeling impatient, because I'm not talking. I should not struggle to dominate events, or steer them in my pet direction. I should, though, be confident in my vision, my skills, and my knowledge. When I'm consulted or it's my turn to speak, I should speak out of confidence, out of my contentedness with my theoretical approach.

Likewise in my classes, I need to speak out of my knowledge. I am competent, skilled and knowledgeable about some things, and I need to speak out of that. My confidence in qualitative methods, for example, will speak so much louder than any attempt to "convince" people. I've already seen that happen. Instead of teaching defensively I've just extolled the virtues of ethnography and had them read some. They got it, and they like it better than last semester, when I did a lot of bashing of other quantitative methods.

31

Weapons are the tools of violence;

All decent men detest them.

Weapons are the tools of fear;

A decent man will avoid them

Except in the direst necessity

And, if compelled, will use them

Only with the utmost restraint.

Peace is his highest value.

If the peace has been shattered,

How can he be content?

His enemies are not demons,

But human beings, like himself.

He doesn't wish them personal harm,

Nor does he rejoice in victory.

How could he rejoice in victory

And delight in the slaughter of men?

He enters a battle gravely,

With sorrow and great compassion,

As if he were attending a funeral.

This is applicable on so many levels. The very personal – fighting with Jim. If a word causes harm, it is a weapon. I need to think about using them with this in mind. And on the global stage, how can any of us supposedly decent people be content when there is so little peace in the world? Should we be actively pursuing peace? Or does that fall under "trying to change the world?"

What is absolutely clear is the value of pursuing and maintaining peace in one's personal life. Fighting fair, only when it is really necessary, and never delighting in victory. Terrorists in Al-Qaeda are not demons but men (and women and children), and my husband also is a human just like me, struggling to do his best in a difficult world. So when I'm angry, I need to remember that. Will help me keep the weapons in their sheaths. Whoa! I have to get to work!

I didn't have time that day to write about it, but what I would have written then and what strikes me again today is how differently Lao-tzu approaches the use of force from how all of the Semitic religions do. Jews, Christians and Muslims all accuse one another of being the bloodiest, and I don't know if it is possible to determine who in fact has more blood on their hands. Each one of them does. So, for that matter, does China, despite the ideologies of peace its wise men produced.

What is important is that all of the People of the Book say they are religions of peace, but they have so many strands woven into their theologies about just and holy wars. All use the Torah, for one thing, with its stories of Yahweh leading His people into battle over and over again, calling for bloodletting and revenge, proclaiming war as the only right and possible course of action. At least when Buddhists and Taoists go to war, they know they are doing it against their religion. There is no equivocation in what Lao-tzu says here, or what the Buddha said about force and soldiering. It will not take you to enlightenment. It is a step down the wrong path – period. No ifs ands or buts. No such thing as good guys fighting a war against the "evil-doers" because as soon as you pick up a weapon you ARE an evil-doer.

There are so many people of all religions praying for peace right now. What would happen if all of us just in the United States went on strike? What if all of us in the first world did and it caught on all around the globe? Start with us because we are the ones who can afford to miss a few meals. Forced our governments to come to some peaceful resolution of the things we think are most pressing – Iraq, Israel, Sudan, Congo, Nepal, Chechnya, where else? Just told them we won't work, buy gas, or anything but the food to survive until you all figure it out. I guess I'm feeling a little punch-drunk but I'm so tired of waiting for people of good will to act . . .

February 27
Meds aren't working to either stop the pain or keep me asleep. This is beyond old. The woman in the book I'm reading has MS, and she makes a great speech about ho it is just "part of her sky. Like the little dipper; sometimes it's the brightest constellation in the sky, sometimes its not, but it's always there."

Maybe it would help me to start really accepting this pain as part of me. Instead of hoping and believing it will go away some day, and always subconsciously (or consciously) waiting for that day, maybe I would deal with it better if I just accepted it was here forever. I'm sure I could be more stoic. Every morning I have a moment where I ask "is it gone?" and then experience disappointment and anger and self-pity when it isn't. why not just remove that stimulus?

Speaking of self-pity, the book heroine also gives a great speech about being fortunate. When asked if she ever wonders "why me?" she looks shocked and says, paraphrasing, "No. Why NOT me? I have health insurance, good friends, paid sick leave, retirement and disability for when I can no longer work. I am in one of the best positions for this to happen to. I have had tremendous good fortune in my life. I'm not so arrogant as to believe none of the world's misfortune should fall on me."

Isn't this just the perfect answer? And in a lot of ways, I do feel this. I have really tried to catch myself any and every time I asked the why me question by reminding myself what a privileged life I lead. The why I do still ask is about punishment, or even karma. Is there something I did wrong that I can fix? But when analyzed in this light, isn't that just as arrogant? Do all those suffering in the world (read: everyone) deserve it? Are they being punished for something? I know I don't believe that. So what, I'm so special that God singled me out for this lesson? Right. The punishment thing just doesn't make sense no matter how I look at it. This doesn't mean there aren't things I should be working on.

That's a different question. It is subtle, though, the difference. It isn't about searching for the "lesson" so that I can learn it and be done – as it would be if it worked more like punishment. It's more that this pain just is. It is, and may forever be. I can moan and groan about it, but I can also learn things about it. From it. Maybe more like a hurricane. One doesn't come as a punishment from God, but once one comes we can learn a lot about weather systems and levee systems and evacuation procedures and building techniques and city infrastructure. And some of the things we learn will point to mistakes we made in past building and management, and show us how to plan and organize better for the future. Just because the hurricane exposed a problem doesn't mean the hurricane was sent BECAUSE of the problem, or with the intent, the purpose of exposing the problem.

February 28

[two-page discussion of all the work to be done that weekend] I ought to be meditating. Maybe that would help me calm down and focus. I really have to learn how to do that. I feel torn in what I have to do, have to learn. On one hand, it's essential for me to learn to slow down, be calm, and accept the world for what it is. But at the same time I need to step it up, work harder and faster, be more obsessive about my work, push myself. There must be a way to see this that isn't contradictory, that doesn't pit the two goals against one another. Do the work and leave it alone, Lao-tzu says. And the Gita also has useful things to say about doing the work in front of one, without investing in it.

Maybe it would help to practice being mindful about each task. Approach writing an exam as a spiritual act, a form of prayer, an act of devotion. If I were Hindu I could/would devote each piece of work to a god. A kind of sacrifice. Why not do that? The need or desire for perfection could thus be transformed into a holy act; the need to present only perfect (or at least very good) work to the gods. I like that idea. It would also help me to let go of work once it is finished. It isn't mine, because I have given it away, offered it up.

Even as a child, I really loved the idea of devotion, of service to God, of abject, total surrender in the name of love and respect. Christianity appeals to me largely for that reason. But I have thought my way out of being able to worship Yahweh or Jesus right now. I find it much easier to worship Krishna or Shiva, because they are not "real," because I understand them as faces of God, doors into the Absolute, not pretending to themselves or us to BE the Absolute Reality. I can also use the idea of the Tao. Each work is a gift in service to the Tao, pictured as the Great Mother River, for example.

I guess that is a big part of why I am uncomfortable with Christianity. I realize Mom would say my picture of God is too small, but I think her's is. How can the Origin of the Universe be as petty and small-minded as Yahweh is represented as being? Jesus as a doorway, a pointer to the Truth, I can accept. But Jesus AS the one and only Truth? I just can't.

However I conceptualize it, I think turning both my work and my pain over to God as I understand "It" would help me in a lot of ways. Help me see my two tasks as really one.

I'm short on time now, so will not write out my reading for yesterday.

33

Knowing others is intelligence;

Knowing yourself is true wisdom.

Mastering others is strength;

Mastering yourself is true power.

If you realize that you have enough,

You are truly rich.

If you stay in the center

And embrace death with your whole heart

You will endure forever

I'm not anywhere close to embracing death with my whole heart, but I am very interested in knowing and mastering myself. Sometimes I truly realize I have enough, and more than enough. But I am susceptible to advertising too, and to Jim's occasional discontent, and I forget how much I have and want more. When I am at home and work, I'm mostly fine. But walking into any store is bad. I see things and I want them. Or sometime sat home I think of consumer items and clothes that I want. So I'll add to my list a reminder to counter each one of those thoughts with gratefulness for what I have. And I should do the same with the pain and the work. Find something in it to be grateful for. That isn't hard. I can always think of things to appreciate. The hard part is remembering to say thank you. So I'll work on it. I know the "attitude of gratitude" thing works, from practicing on it before, and it is all part of mastering oneself.

March 1

34

The great Tao flows everywhere

All things are born from it

Yet it doesn't create them.

It pours itself into its work,

Yet it makes no claim.

It nourishes infinite worlds,

Yet it doesn't hold onto them.

Since it is merged with all things

And hidden in their hearts,

It can be called humble

Since all things vanish into it

And it alone endures,

It can be called great

It isn't aware of its greatness

Thus it is truly great

From a Judeo-Christian viewpoint, this describes a Source unacceptably aloof, uninvolved, and distant. There is part of me that reads it that way, even though I know to do so is to misunderstand it. This is the Tao as the model for how I should approach my own work. Create things, let them flow out of you, and put your whole self into them, but do not hold on. Understand that each thin you create will take on a life of its own. Release it, fill of you, into the world and don't try to control what it does or how it gets used and changed. Clearly this is also how to parent children.

So from a Taoist point of view, Yahweh is hopelessly, unhealthily entangled in his own creation. He did a beautiful act, creating the world out of himself, but he tried too hard to control and manipulate his creation. He thought of it as his, instead of releasing it to be what it would be. And he's too emotionally invested in it, always interfering to make it come out the way he originally envisioned, getting angry with the creatures when they don't behave the way he thought they would, though he gave them free will . . .

One can see why some of the Eastern Gnostics came to see Yahweh as a wayward child. Who do I want to be more like? While I'm attracted to the drama attendant on any attempt to control things, I believe it is an unhealthy attraction, and anymore, one that is too painful to bear. I'd prefer to try to mold myself on the Tao. This really is not a matter of actively molding but of letting go and returning to my natural state.

Work diligently, be creative and allow ideas to flow out of me into the world. Let go as an offering. Release control as a way to be more myself. We all know that instinctively. So let it be. Let myself be.