Posting some of these old pieces feels kind of strange; they aren't so long ago that they are clearly ancient history, but they are nearly two years ago. Long enough ago for a lot of things to have changed, as you'll see if you can stand to stick around, or check back in later. But I'm gonna go ahead and post. That was the plan.

April 8, 2007

74 (Tao te Ching)

If you realize that all things change,

There is nothing you will try to hold on to.

If you aren't afraid of dying,

There is nothing you can't achieve.

Wow. Here we are at another of those breath-takingly similar statements. Similar to the Buddha this time. King Solomon said something like it as well I believe. These sound like such simple instructions, and they are, but they are so profound. And so difficult to actually do.

All things change. But how often do I have to remind myself of that in a day, if I am really paying attention? People don't act the way I expect because they have changed. My favorite TV show isn't on because they've changed the schedule. Big things change – our Chancellor, Provost, and girl's basketball coach are all short- listed for more prestigious and more remunerative jobs than [my university]. So it is possible we'll lose the 2 people with the vision and will-power to have made it as innovative and successful as it is, and the coach who put us on the basketball map.

I at first felt kind of betrayed; I came to this university with the impression I'd be working under these wonderful people. How could they just up and leave? Ah, right. All things change. And some things – like my parents' marriage – are terrifically difficult to let go of. My youth and beauty, my cat, my love of reading and writing, all these things can and will go. And life – wonderful, mysterious, precious life. How can one be ready to let go of life? I am nowhere close to that.

Look – I was sitting here writing and thinking, enjoying the quiet. Then J came and turned on the TV, and it upset and annoyed me. I obviously have trouble accepting change, when there is something I'd like to hold on to. So I need to keep reminding myself that all things change. By doing that I'll hope it leads, as the verse promises, to learning not to hold onto things. Okay, the chapter continues:

Trying to control the future

Is like tring to take the master carpenter's place.

When you handle the master carpenter's tools,

Chances are that you'll cut your hands.

And, while trying to hold on to parts of the present, how much do I try to control the future? From small things, like trying to use mind control on J and keep him asleep so I can have quiet, to trying to manipulate Mom into moving in with us. And I try to decide what would be the best for J and make it happen. When obviously I have no control over any of these things. Sometimes I'm able to catch myself.

And I'm still working out the difference between creative visualization of the future – which reminds me I need to listen to the CD [from my psychologist] today, which asks me to visualize my own perfect future – and trying control the future. It's confusing. As I've said before, it feels like a paradox. On the one hand, we are to believe in our ability to create our own realities. But also not to expect anything, to have no expectations and to not try to control the future. Umm, how do we do those two things at once? I realize it is only a seeming paradox; there is a way to do both, and it is probably very simple. Oh – and don't forget – accept things as they are.

Trying to control the future, trying to manipulate things into a form we like, is dangerous. We can – we will – be hurt. So I guess what we do is just offer things up? I checked the translator's notes.

About the phrase "trying to control the future" he says: "thinking that you know what is good or bad, what is advantageous or harmful. The Huai Nan Tzu tells a story about this." The story is about a man who has various things happen to him, and each time the villagers either congratulate or console him. And each time the father says "How do you know this isn't a disaster?" or "How do you know that this isn't good fortune?"

And indeed, the seemingly good things turn out horribly, and the seemingly bad things turn out to make him rich, save his life, etc. And so we never know how events will be transformed.

It is the same in Judaism, Christianity and Islam. Phrased differently, of course, such as that God can turn disaster into a miracle, all the examples of God turning evil to good, and the reminder that all that glitters is not gold. With J's job situation, we go through this all the time; this job pays so well, but you'd be miserable. Or, usually just not knowing, and trying to guess what each thing would be like. Then we try to remind ourselves of all these truths, that J just has to apply (and to write a good letter you have to leave it in the Tao's, the Universe, the Great Mother's hands, and try not to desire, or expect, or hope, or become attached. Try not to control the future while at the same time try to be positive and visualize the best. Ah. So, with that in mind, I'm going to go lie down and visualize a wonderful future for us.

April 9

76

Men are born soft and supple;

Dead, they are stiff and hard.

Plants are born tender and pliant;

Dead, they are brittle and dry.

Thus whoever is stiff and unflexible

Is a disciple of death.

Whoever is soft and yielding

Is a disciple of life.

This lesson doesn't seem to require much parsing. Its message is clear; don't be stiff, hard and inflexible. The only notes for this one are: "disciple of life: The less rigid, the readier for life or death." What am I rigid and inflexible about? I am pretty flexible and yielding about most things. I've been socialized that way. Thinking about class/students, I'm often too yielding, and they perceive me as a pushover. There have to be some things, though.

I feel pretty hard and brittle about Dad. In some ways. But I also know that in his presence I'm too soft. I need to find a way to be firm without becoming brittle. If everywhere he finds great flexibility and yielding, how will he ever be self-disciplined? That is how we all learn not to be lumps – by having firm boundaries. For example, he needs someone to be inflexible about his sexist remarks. How else will he come to understand they are not appropriate? Until now we have all been too supple, indulgent, allowed his remarks to expand into and take up space that belonged to us. We girls and Mom and whoever else is around have been diminished by his words. We need to become rigid for a moment and not allow it.

There is a time for everything, even being hard. Just don't live your whole life that way. But where is an area in which I should be more flexible? Maybe in public? I have ideas about how people should behave in line, in the store, etc. I could let that go, be more supple. That's true about students, too. It isn't in my behavior, but it is in my thoughts that I'm rigid. My ideas of what a good student is, and how students should behave in class, write e-mails, etc. some things its okay to be firm about – being respectful of me and other students, learning to be polite and professional, that sort of thing. But aren't there still moments where I'm frustrated only because they didn't do it the way I would have done it? Or because I had an idea, an expectation, of how they would respond and they didn't – they did it differently? Yes.

I am better about these things than I was in the past. I am learning. I can see myself over the last 6 months really change. I se myself stopping and checking that an irritated or frustrated response be reasonable, and if not, changing my whole attitude. But it is something I have to stay on top of every day.