April 25-26, 2007

I wish I could say I had truly mastered some of the things I figured out and wrote in this journal entry nearly two years ago. As I sit here today, trying to recover from the latest and by-far-the-hardest surgery, I am not finding it too easy to avoid labeling pain as "bad" and non-pain as "good." I've also gotten pretty bad about wishing the weather would change. The winters seem to go on and on, and I am so eager for spring to come, and to create flower and vegetable beds and watch green things grow. So it is good to re-read the Gita and my own thoughts about it. To remember that I once was capable of accepting things as they are. And then I'm going to order seeds, because there is nothing wrong with making plans - right? And some of these little guys can get started 8 weeks before the last frost : )

April 25, 2007

Fourth Teaching

In stanza 12, Krishna promises to devote himself to those who seek him. He then moves to a discussion of action.

I desire no fruits of actions,

And actions do not defile me;

One who knows this about me

Is not bound by actions (karma).

He acknowledges that the whole thing is confusing and obscure, but promises to reveal its meaning.

A man who sees inaction in action

And action in inaction

Has understanding among men,

Disciplined in all action he performs.

So, one who understands how people can act – go thru daily life – and not attract or accumulate karma, as well as those who, sitting quietly refusing to move – if undisciplined are still acting/attracting karma, is the person we want to be.

"When his plans lack constructs of desire" v. 19 that's a helpful phrase. It answers the question "How does one plan for the future, work toward goals, without there being some desire, some preference for one outcome over another?" Planning is okay, we somehow just need to not build desire and preference into them.

Verses, or stanzas 20-22 are helpful too. They provide a more detailed picture of what one should be like. More correctly, what wisdom looks like. But it seems impossible to attain! How can I teach myself to have no hope? No hope that J gets a job? No hope that my students learn from me? Perform actions only with my body. I think I see what that might mean, but cannot imagine it. v. 22:

Content with whatever comes by chance,

Beyond dualities, free from envy,

Impartial to failure and success,

He is not bound even when he acts.

It is one thing to be content with the weather. It actually took some work on my part, but I no longer complain about the weather, even inside. I take each day however it is and enjoy it, appreciate it. And there are some other areas I'm getting better at accepting whatever comes. But my Dad marrying someone he barely knows, my husband being rejected once again? These are hard! I'm learning not to label pain as bad, and to move beyond dualities in other arenas. But Bush and the horrors he's perpetrating in the world. Or even if we just looked at what his administration had done to science! I still strongly see them as "bad". Very bad.

Envy is not my biggest sin, but I do still feel it – about houses and clothes, and honors/awards/recognition. This brings me to that last one, about being impartial to success and failure. Wow. How does one ever get to that place?

The answer, reading the rest of this teaching, appears to be in sacrifice. Krishna explains all the different ways one can sacrifice. One can do it through ritual, the ancient fire rites of the Vedas. One can do it through contemplation – jnana yoga. One can do it through the discipline of raja yoga. One can become an ascetic, forgoing all earthly pleasures. Or through the discipline of breathing, or through fasting.

v. 32 Many forms of sacrifice

Expand toward the infinite spirit [Brahman]

Know that the source of them all

Is action, and you will be free

Know it by humble submission

By asking questions, and by service;

Wise men who see reality

Will give you knowledge.

It does seem like it would be a lot easier if I had a teacher, a wise person to whom I could turn, and to whom I could offer my service. But look at me – would it make any difference? I have wise teachers in books, who all tell me the same thing. Meditate!!!!! And yet I keep finding/making excuses for not doing it.

I think I am waiting for the end of the semester to get serious about it. Well then, I better make a promise. I believe in it. I believe it will change my life. I can think of it as an act of devotion. A real sacrifice that I can make that will move me closer to the person I want to be.

April 26

Today I'll complete my contemplation of the fouth teaching (for now). The great question of how to keep acting without incurring debt, without huring the earth or other people. But I am not feeling satisfied, or compelled to read and study. Maybe it isn't what I'm having the most trouble with? What am I struggling with most? With discipline. And with accepting what is, living in the present. And there have been words that speak directly to me about these issues, and offer some help.

Remember Krishna was explaining that one moves toward contentment, thru/beyond dualities by sacrifice. He listed all the ways we can sacrifice – tie that together with the earlier ideas about seeing God in everyone – all of one's small acts of kindness through the day, acts of love and service toward my husband and even those I don't like are all sacrifices, made in devotion to Krishna.

Striking how similar it is to Christianity, isn't it? The Christian saints and mystics knew that peace comes from making one's whole life a sacrifice. Offering up every thought and deed to God. And of course it is the same in Islam, too, and Judaism.

Krishna says, "Sacrifice in knowledge is better than sacrifice with natural objects" in v. 33. What exactly does this mean? It is followed by the exhortation to find a teacher, and submit oneself to them, as I noted yesterday. He means jnana knowledge, which is the knowledge of how things Really are, who oneself is. And offers such hope:

Even if you are the most evil

Of all sinners,

You will cross over all evil

On the raft of knowledge.

Just as in Christ's teaching, no one is lost.

There is no one and no sin that is unforgivable. But instead of asking for forgiveness, the answer and hope Krishna provides is that you can save yourself through knowledge. The only way one can get this knowledge is through meditation.

No purifier equals knowledge,

And in time

The man of perfect discipline

Discovers this in his own spirit

Faithful, intent, his senses

Subdued, he gains knowledge;

Gaining knowledge,

He soon finds perfect peace.

This might be jibberish if I didn't have other knowledge. What I believe he is saying is that the knowledge of jnana yoga is that the self is the Self; knowledge = knowing and identifying with one's eternal spirit, knowing one is god and has access to all the love, power, knowledge and skill of God, within one's Self.

But the only way to reach this understanding in anything but an intellectual way is through one-pointed contemplation, dedicated mindfulness. Meditation, in fact. If one is disciplined enough to practice this one-pointed mindfulness, one will discover one's Atman, the god-inside. It isn't a matter of faith or belief, if you are disciplined, this will happen.

Be faithful, not in terms of believing, but in doing. Faithfully meditate, every day. Be intent, mindful, concentrated, use effort. Subdue your senses – they do not need to be in charge – suggesting you should scratch, eat food, listen to a car going by, etc.

So sever the ignorant doubt

In your heart with the sword

Of Self-knowledge, Arjuna!

Observe your discipline! Arise!

When will I heed the call? I want what is promised – when oh when will I sit myself down and take it?