Coming Back From A Rough Week

I've been having an eventful few days/weeks. My encounter with that horrible doc sent me into two weeks of hell, trying to wean myself off of my meds. I realized I really wanted a second opinon, especially after I searched the pain and neurology literature for some justification of his opinion and came up with very little except some pretty well-bashed articles from the 80s. So I had my primary care person refer me to the Brain, Spine and Pain center at another hospital (main competitors in town), and saw someone yesterday. I liked her. She was young, very up on the literature, and basically told me that he was full of it. In order for what he was saying to be true - neural plasticity its called - I would have to be taking narcotics in amounts many, many times higher than what I am. So he is just another moralist with an agenda, and he has caused two weeks of agony, self-blame, and lack of productivity for nothing. Thanks a lot.
In the meantime, I developed a bad toothache. Tried to ignore it, as I usually do (haven't seen a dentist in 20 years - since I had my lower wisdom teeth pulled, except in extreme emergency). Well, this turned into an extreme emergency. Saw a dentist, found out my upper left wisdom tooth had a bad cavity with the nerve affected. That was Wednesday. So yesterday, after the appointment with the pain doc, I saw the oral surgeon and had that bad boy pulled out. It went very smoothly - much more easily than the bottom ones. So I am on the mend and the future looks much brighter than it did 24 hours ago. Thanks for all your support through the dark times. Now back to 2007:

April 10 , 2007

77

As it acts in the world, the Tao

Is like the bending of a bow.

The top is bent downward;

The bottom is bent up.

It adjusts excess and defeciency

So that there is perfect balance,

It takes from what is too much

And gives to what isn't enough.

Those who try to control,

Who use force to protect their power

Go against the direction of the Tao.

They take from those who don't have

And give to those who have far too much.

The Master can keep giving

Because there is no end to her wealth.

She acts without expectation,

Succeeds without taking credit,

And doesn't think that she is better

Than anyone else.

Hmm. This is feeling pretty opaque to me. To start with, I don't know much about archery. I guess the point is about balance. Maybe no matter how you pull on a bow, it bends equally from the top and bottom. Perhaps there is no way to make a bow bend more from the top than it is bending from the bottom.

What struck me first was how different this is from the Bible verse, "To who has much, more will be given. From who has little, more will be taken away." I always hated that verse. I remember, as a child, finding the concept grossly unfair. I think, "in fairness," that the verse refers to faith and is meant as an encouragement; if you have some faith, God will increase it through grace. If you don't, he'll have nothing to work with and what little you have will drain away as you meet life's difficulties.

Still, the whole chapter makes me think, "Well, of course socialism took root here and not in the West!" And I bet I'm right. There must be something to the fact that China and those it conquered and absorbed have had up to at least 2500 years – and more like 4000 years – of thinking that it is good to distribute wealth equally. They may not have done it, but they upheld the ideal. It wasn't until Jesus (or maybe Hillel) began preaching something sort of like this – that the meek will inherit the earth, the rich won't get into heaven, so give your wealth away, etc., that Hebraism had grand levelling mechanisms like this. They upheld social justice, but that didn't mean "everyone is equal"; it meant the rich shouldn't beat the poor, or exploit them too terribly much. And of course, it was out of that the beloved individual was born. And without that concept, that individuals are beloved, even the least – China has erred on the side of throwing lives away in the name of the collective.

For living my own life I prefer to live by the idea of taking from the rich and giving to the poor. While it may be true that's stealing, what everyone has been taught to forget is that the rich are rich because they stole from the poor. They stole their work, their labor, their land, and their lives. Which this chapter says quite clearly. And then the instruction for those wishing to be Masters: This is similar to the message of Christ. What one has as Master is access to the limitless Tao. What one values, one's wealth, are peace, love, compassion, gentleness, wisdom, etc. And so one can do what is right, having no expectation about the result, because you rest in the knowledge that all flows into the Tao, that all things end how the Tao wanted them to.

So, when one succeeds, one doesn't get a big head, because it wasn't you who made things happen; you were just going with the flow of the Tao.

One isn't better; the Tao uses all of us. Translator's notes are about this, that the Master isn't better. He says, "She is simply more transparent." Which I take to mean that it is easier to see how her actions flow with the Tao, but all people's do. Their paths are just more convoluted and thus harder to see.

For me right now it just means trust more in the Tao. Allow myself to let go of desire and expectation, trusting that the Tao, the Great River, will bring all things aright. And to recall that the qualities I most want to have are not in short supply – I can give away as much love, compassion, and understanding as I can, and there will always be more.

April 11

Yesterday my books arrived from Amazon! So last night I began the one on meditation and got half way through it. It is simple and straightforward and good. I intend to put it into practice. I believe I may start today. I'm feeling so sick, I'm afraid I may not have the willpower, but I understand that I can't keep using things as excuses. The book is Meditation: A Simple Eight-Point Program for Translating Spiritual Ideals into Daily Life, by Eknath Easwaran. Notice it is eight point, not eight stage. That's why I went ahead and read the whole thing (or am going to) at once, because one has to do all the parts together. The points I've read about so far are 1) Meditation, 2) Mantram, 3) slowing down. They all seem easy and terribly difficult at the same time.

1. 
   Meditation. Meditate every day for 30 minutes. Do it in the same time and place, and make that space sacred by doing nothing else in it. Well, that's the problem, isn't it? Speaks loudly to why I've been unable to really start. I don't live by myself. I don't have a room I can commit to meditation alone. And there are some issues working things out with J. As to method, Easwaran prescribes using a scripture (from your own religion – it doesn't matter which one) or a time-honored inspirational piece like the prayer of St. Francis. Use that as the line, or the anchor. Meditation consists of repeating that piece slowly, word by world. I really like this method; it appeals to me. Other teachers sugget trying to make the mind a blank, which has never worked for me at all – it has always been a real stumbling block for me. For my undisciplined and untrained mind, those tasks (blank or focused on a single object) seem not only impossible, but like chores. Hard, unappealing, unsatisfying work.
   
   
   

   The repetition of beloved words, though, that I can do! That I like to do, and I know how to do! And as he explains, it gives you something to hang on to, a rope to cling to as you descend into the sub and unconscious, buffeted by your mind as it attempts to stop you, which I have found to be is ceaseless. That's why I like the CDs; the voice of the person, the words, are something to come back to when your mind has distracted you with all kinds of thoughts – association-chains, and even pretty lights and colors and reminders of things you forgot to do. I love having the words to come back to, to help me not follow a distraction and get lost in it. In short, I believe he offerst me a method I can actually use. It makes me excited to try, rather than dreading the whole thing.
   



2. 
   The Mantram. He advocates choosing a mantra – again from one of those time-honored choices, whose reverberations go back thousand sof years and who/that may have qualities we can't quantify that make them time-hallowed – choose one and never change it. Use different variations, perhaps, but use one and stick with it because over the years it will work on you and in you and for you in ways that seem magical. Be careful, therefore, in choosing. He offers suggestions, and I find I can't even contemplate using any Christian ones. Christianity has become a huge barrier between me and the Christ. The words and names now carry too much baggage for me. The Jewish and Muslim words, too, carry negative associations. The Buddhist suggestions don't feel right. Though they were closer, gave me glimmers. But when we got to the Hindu ones, they felt like coming home. Mysterious enough to charm, but also therefore carry no weight of battles and doubt, and thinking – they won't drag me off into endless speculation and theologizing. Yet they are powerful. I feel love when I hear the name Krishna. And also awe, the right kind of fear. With Rama, also, I have a sense of magestic power and compassion. Hare I know nothing about – did not even know it was a name of God. But it adds a rhythm and needed note with the other names.
   
   
   

   Easwaran recommends Rama. It is his own, and is very simple. I think I personally need something more complex, something that can be varied without breaking it. And so I decided to try a different one last night, making it clear it was just a trial. Do you know, it carried me right into sleep [I had been reporting trouble sleeping for weeks] and my mind awoke singing it all by itself, and it has reappeared all morning. So I believe I have found my mantra. He separates this from meditation. Meditation is something you sit down and devote 30 minutes to. One's mantra is to be said all day, every day. Use it while waiting for the bus, washing dishes, when getting angry, feeling desire for a cigarette, etc.
   



3. Slowing Down. Slowing down is what it sounds like. Refuse to hurry, to buy into the hurry culture. He offers many suggestions for how to do this, but it is time for me to turn my attention to the Tao's lesson for the day.
   

78

Nothing in the world

Is as soft and yielding as water.

Yet for dissolving the hard and inflexible,

Nothing can surpass it.

The soft overcomes the hard;

The gentle overcomes the rigid.

Everyone knows this is true,

But few can put it into practice.

Therefore the Master remains

Serene in the midst of sorrow.

Evil cannot enter her heart.

Because she has given up helping,

She is people's greatest help.

True words seem paradoxical.

This lesson goes very much together with the chapter on slowing down. It does seem paradoxical that working slowly allows one to be more efficient, get more work done. That NOT being in a rush on the freeway or in the supermarket makes everything smoother and easier. Being gentle and patient overcomes other's impatience and harshness.

While I was writing that, I had a flash of intuition, enabling me to connect the instructions in the third stanza to the first two, but now I can't articulate it. It has to do with being in control of one's own mind, not swayed or compelled by events around you. One's own single-minded gentleness can cut through sorrow and close out evil. I remember, when I was first learning Hinduism and the spiral path, and many other wise things – the real beginning of this journey – my compatriots at college thought me very wise. Part of my seeming wisdom and my appeal to them was that I had figured out not to give advice. To judge no one. To accept them, wherever they were, on whatever path, be it resentment, infatuation, fury at parents, despair – I didn't offer any advice. I did not rush in to save them or try to guide them in any particular direction. And I was always there to listen but did not get pulled into their crises. How they loved me for that! How helpful they found me to be, though I did nothing!

This is the key, though I don't know yet how it connects to water cutting through rock. Hey – here are the translator's notes about this line: "The greatest help is wholeheartedly trusting people to resolve their own problems. A true philanthropist, like a good parent, brings people to the point where they can help themselves." And about the final line regarding truths seeming paradoxical: "Only when the mind is cluttered with untruth."

So the key part, now and then, is about trusting others. They are each on their own journey. I believe every soul will make it to the goal. But on their own time, and in their own way. We each have to learn our own lessons. I can learn from those who are wiser by watching them, their example. But I don't want them coming into my life and telling me what to do. And others don't need me to do that to them. Ho can I know what anyone else needs, anyway? Are they behind me, or ahead of me? How could I possibly know? Perhaps a very advanced soul needed a lesson that required living the life of a screw-up? I can never know by looking where someone is on the ultimate path. And I can never know what someone else really needs. Maybe they need to be always late, be an alcoholic homeless person, even to commit suicide. I don't know. It isn't my business. My business is to work on getting to know me, and learning to tap into all the love and patience and light that is in me, all locked up. That's it. Nothing else.

Somehow, paradoxically, I believe it. That if I find myself, work on myself, that will be a help to the people around me and to the world. Much more so than actively trying to figure out a way to go and "save" it.