Discipline - NOT Punish (April 29-30,2007)

I am gradually coming back to life. Man, that was a tough recovery, and I'm getting to be pretty knowledgeable about various recuperation periods from surgeries. But I trust that will be the last one! Forever! I have learned some things, and had some really intense insights that are going to profoundly change the way I live my life due to this last round. I hope to write it all out for y'all soon. Right now I'm trying to dig myself out of the hole missing two weeks of work created. Thanks for all your kind wishes - I sure used them!

April 29, 2007

[Spent a good 2 pages writing of my plans for exercising, eating healthfully, losing weight, and of course, meditating]

Sixth Teaching – The Man of Discipline

Know that discipline, Arjuna,

Is what men call renunciation;

No man is disciplined

Without renouncing willful intent

There you go. You cannot be disciplined without giving things up. One has to be willing to sacrifice what one's senses say they must have. And as discussed before, one can make this easier by consciously sacrificing willful desires to someone. Much easier to give things up out of love. And the other tool is to realize that the self who craves ice-cream and brownies is not the Self. A kind of confusingly worded stanza gets at this:

He should elevate himself by the self,

Not degrade himself;

For the self is its own friend

And its own worst foe.

In Easwaran's book on meditation he talks about how good the mind and senses are at distracting us, and how talented they are at manufacturing desire for sense objects . . . like ice cream. But once one achieves discipline - control - the mind and senses become one's loyal servants. And crave brown rice, for example, instead of baked potatos with butter and sour cream. To get to that place, one must be firm with them, tell them no and don't give in. And here is Krishna on the subject:

The self is the friend of a man

Who masters himself thru the self.

But for a man without self-mastery,

The self is like an enemy at war.

"Thru the self." It is no good keeping one's self on a diet by, say, locking the refrigerator, or having one's stomach stapled. Those external means may help you lose weight, but they haven't changed who you are. As soon as the lock is removed, or one finds another means of satisfying one's gluttony, one is right back in the same situation. So with every other "vice."

And I do find myself at war; one part wants pie, another part wants to look like a model. One part wants to just lie on the couch, another wants to go spend money we don't have. My body is literally a battle zone in which nerves want to fire all the time, the immune system wants to – well, does – attack the virus and anything else that gets in its way. How do I stop the craziness and bring peace and control to my mind and body? The following stanzas show the way:

First, he says seclusion, isolation (10) I can't do that. But I could find moments of it. Then find a good place to sit – firm, pure, not too high or low, with a covering (11).

He should focus his mind and restrain

The activity of his thoughts and senses (12)

And

He should keep his body, head,

And neck aligned, immobile, steady. (13)

He also suggests staring at the tip of one's nose, but I prefer other strategies that the scriptures also support.

But that third thing, in stanza 12, that is hardly easy! In fact right now it seems downright impossible. Easwaran and Ram Dass and everyone else say it improves with practice and only with practice.

Then Krishna says to sit in discipline. With thoughts fixed on Krishna, intent (14).

Disciplining himself,

His mind controlled,

A man of discipline finds peace,

The pure calm that exists in me. (15)

Going overboard on anything, even piety and extreme asctecism, is not discipline (16). I know I'm often guilty of that, so I'll have to watch it. Meditating all day is not necessary or helpful at this point. Half an hour a day is enough. Again, the rewards are great.

When a man disciplines his diet

And diversions, his physical actions,

His sleeping and waking,

Discipline destroys sorrow.

One becomes truly free when one can make choices instead of being driven by tastes and preferences, cravings and desires. Easwaran says one can have total control over sleeping and waking, even over dreams. That's where I'm going to leave it for the day. Only let me remember this, that all of the great sorrow I feel can be dispelled by the simple expedient of sitting down for half an hour every day.

April 30

I guess it's time to think about discipline again. Krishna continues to offer a picture of what a disciplined person is like, and the rewards of such discipline.

Absolute joy beyond the senses

Can only be grasped by understanding [jnana]

When one knows it, he abides there

And never wanders from the reality. v.21

Why would one leave? Joy beyond the senses means better than sex, better than pie and ice-cream, better than a sunset, better than teaching, than gazing into a lover's eyes – once one's had that, why would one ever trade it in for the petty fun of one-upmanship, or a cigarette, etc.?

He gives explicit instructions that would be really useful, I'm sure, if I was meditating daily and knew where the pitfalls or difficulties further along the path lie.

Arming herself with discipline,

Seeing everything with an equal eye,

She sees the self in all creatures,

And all creatures in the self. v. 29

I'm going to make the language female-oriented from now on. It's important to me. Phyllis and I talked about how, though they may be small traumas, the words of exclusion, belittling, un or undervalue, they do add up, making little dents and bruises on the soul. About the verse – all things are One. Since we are selfish creatures, use the self to understand the reality. When I see a person or a dog or whomever, I should be saying "There I go" and also seeing them in myself. This is the start of real liberation. If I could truly enjoy another's success as mine, and see my success as truly theirs, I'd be in good shape.

And from there (or simultaneously) I should turn from self and see God. I love this passage. And isn't it like what Jesus would say?

She who sees me everywhere

And sees everything in me

Will not be lost to me,

And I will not be lost to her. v.30

Throughout the Gita, Krishna is often so tender, it is no wonder he attracts so many devotees, including me.

I exist in all creatures.

So the disciplined man devoted to me

Grasps the oneness of life;

Wherever she is, she is in me

When she sees identity in everything,

Whether joy or suffering,

Through analogy with the self,

She is deemed a person of pure discipline.

At bottom, this is the same as Jesus' command to love others as you love yourself. Of course, it goes further; others ARE oneself! And like with Christianity, it is easy to love kittens and people who think like we do; much harder to love our enemies. But both Jesus and Krishna say it is necessary. Not because you will be rewarded by God, in Krishna's case, but because it is True. It is just accepting reality. Dick Cheney is me. I am Karl Rove. George Bush is me. Whoa. That is tough! How do I come to love them as I love Indy? As I love J? As I love Mom?

Maybe we don't expect perfection all at once? Especially from someone who is not meditating faithfully yet? This is the goal though. "when she sees identity in everything." Not "in the things she likes the looks of." Okay. Practice closer to home. With each student that walks into my office. Each faculty member who speaks to me. My doctors and their staffs. Okay. And the members of my family.

April 25-26, 2007

I wish I could say I had truly mastered some of the things I figured out and wrote in this journal entry nearly two years ago. As I sit here today, trying to recover from the latest and by-far-the-hardest surgery, I am not finding it too easy to avoid labeling pain as "bad" and non-pain as "good." I've also gotten pretty bad about wishing the weather would change. The winters seem to go on and on, and I am so eager for spring to come, and to create flower and vegetable beds and watch green things grow. So it is good to re-read the Gita and my own thoughts about it. To remember that I once was capable of accepting things as they are. And then I'm going to order seeds, because there is nothing wrong with making plans - right? And some of these little guys can get started 8 weeks before the last frost : )

April 25, 2007

Fourth Teaching

In stanza 12, Krishna promises to devote himself to those who seek him. He then moves to a discussion of action.

I desire no fruits of actions,

And actions do not defile me;

One who knows this about me

Is not bound by actions (karma).

He acknowledges that the whole thing is confusing and obscure, but promises to reveal its meaning.

A man who sees inaction in action

And action in inaction

Has understanding among men,

Disciplined in all action he performs.

So, one who understands how people can act – go thru daily life – and not attract or accumulate karma, as well as those who, sitting quietly refusing to move – if undisciplined are still acting/attracting karma, is the person we want to be.

"When his plans lack constructs of desire" v. 19 that's a helpful phrase. It answers the question "How does one plan for the future, work toward goals, without there being some desire, some preference for one outcome over another?" Planning is okay, we somehow just need to not build desire and preference into them.

Verses, or stanzas 20-22 are helpful too. They provide a more detailed picture of what one should be like. More correctly, what wisdom looks like. But it seems impossible to attain! How can I teach myself to have no hope? No hope that J gets a job? No hope that my students learn from me? Perform actions only with my body. I think I see what that might mean, but cannot imagine it. v. 22:

Content with whatever comes by chance,

Beyond dualities, free from envy,

Impartial to failure and success,

He is not bound even when he acts.

It is one thing to be content with the weather. It actually took some work on my part, but I no longer complain about the weather, even inside. I take each day however it is and enjoy it, appreciate it. And there are some other areas I'm getting better at accepting whatever comes. But my Dad marrying someone he barely knows, my husband being rejected once again? These are hard! I'm learning not to label pain as bad, and to move beyond dualities in other arenas. But Bush and the horrors he's perpetrating in the world. Or even if we just looked at what his administration had done to science! I still strongly see them as "bad". Very bad.

Envy is not my biggest sin, but I do still feel it – about houses and clothes, and honors/awards/recognition. This brings me to that last one, about being impartial to success and failure. Wow. How does one ever get to that place?

The answer, reading the rest of this teaching, appears to be in sacrifice. Krishna explains all the different ways one can sacrifice. One can do it through ritual, the ancient fire rites of the Vedas. One can do it through contemplation – jnana yoga. One can do it through the discipline of raja yoga. One can become an ascetic, forgoing all earthly pleasures. Or through the discipline of breathing, or through fasting.

v. 32 Many forms of sacrifice

Expand toward the infinite spirit [Brahman]

Know that the source of them all

Is action, and you will be free

Know it by humble submission

By asking questions, and by service;

Wise men who see reality

Will give you knowledge.

It does seem like it would be a lot easier if I had a teacher, a wise person to whom I could turn, and to whom I could offer my service. But look at me – would it make any difference? I have wise teachers in books, who all tell me the same thing. Meditate!!!!! And yet I keep finding/making excuses for not doing it.

I think I am waiting for the end of the semester to get serious about it. Well then, I better make a promise. I believe in it. I believe it will change my life. I can think of it as an act of devotion. A real sacrifice that I can make that will move me closer to the person I want to be.

April 26

Today I'll complete my contemplation of the fouth teaching (for now). The great question of how to keep acting without incurring debt, without huring the earth or other people. But I am not feeling satisfied, or compelled to read and study. Maybe it isn't what I'm having the most trouble with? What am I struggling with most? With discipline. And with accepting what is, living in the present. And there have been words that speak directly to me about these issues, and offer some help.

Remember Krishna was explaining that one moves toward contentment, thru/beyond dualities by sacrifice. He listed all the ways we can sacrifice – tie that together with the earlier ideas about seeing God in everyone – all of one's small acts of kindness through the day, acts of love and service toward my husband and even those I don't like are all sacrifices, made in devotion to Krishna.

Striking how similar it is to Christianity, isn't it? The Christian saints and mystics knew that peace comes from making one's whole life a sacrifice. Offering up every thought and deed to God. And of course it is the same in Islam, too, and Judaism.

Krishna says, "Sacrifice in knowledge is better than sacrifice with natural objects" in v. 33. What exactly does this mean? It is followed by the exhortation to find a teacher, and submit oneself to them, as I noted yesterday. He means jnana knowledge, which is the knowledge of how things Really are, who oneself is. And offers such hope:

Even if you are the most evil

Of all sinners,

You will cross over all evil

On the raft of knowledge.

Just as in Christ's teaching, no one is lost.

There is no one and no sin that is unforgivable. But instead of asking for forgiveness, the answer and hope Krishna provides is that you can save yourself through knowledge. The only way one can get this knowledge is through meditation.

No purifier equals knowledge,

And in time

The man of perfect discipline

Discovers this in his own spirit

Faithful, intent, his senses

Subdued, he gains knowledge;

Gaining knowledge,

He soon finds perfect peace.

This might be jibberish if I didn't have other knowledge. What I believe he is saying is that the knowledge of jnana yoga is that the self is the Self; knowledge = knowing and identifying with one's eternal spirit, knowing one is god and has access to all the love, power, knowledge and skill of God, within one's Self.

But the only way to reach this understanding in anything but an intellectual way is through one-pointed contemplation, dedicated mindfulness. Meditation, in fact. If one is disciplined enough to practice this one-pointed mindfulness, one will discover one's Atman, the god-inside. It isn't a matter of faith or belief, if you are disciplined, this will happen.

Be faithful, not in terms of believing, but in doing. Faithfully meditate, every day. Be intent, mindful, concentrated, use effort. Subdue your senses – they do not need to be in charge – suggesting you should scratch, eat food, listen to a car going by, etc.

So sever the ignorant doubt

In your heart with the sword

Of Self-knowledge, Arjuna!

Observe your discipline! Arise!

When will I heed the call? I want what is promised – when oh when will I sit myself down and take it?