Decision Time

It is one am, or a little after, on a Friday night, and I'm doing what I always seem to be doing these days - trying to decide what I should do. It strikes me again that I have to do this myself. I can talk things over with women who have walked this road; I can read blogs and discussion boards; I can call my Mom and sisters for comfort and support. And J is always there. We have talked it through again and again. He listens to each new piece of information I share, each ramification that occurs to me. But ultimately, no one can make this choice for me, and no one else will have to live with the consequences.

Am I ready to give up my womb? Am I truly okay with closing the door on all possibility of having my own children? And more - am I ready for menopause. Am I ready for all the signs and symptoms of aging that will come with losing my ability to create my own hormones. My doctor thinks (and I've found support in the literature) that because of my particular circumstances, I should not start hormone replacement therapy right away - if at all - if I decide to have the hysterectomy. Likewise, we can't leave the remaining ovary there.

I keep thinking I've made up my mind, and then a new option is presented and I have to choose again. It is hard. I don't want to do something I will regret, but I can't bear to live this way any more. It doesn't feel fair to my students, my employers, my family, and certainly not my husband. And me - I'd like to have a life I can enjoy a little bit more if that is possible. I would love to have a little more energy.

I have hashed and rehashed all the pros and cons in so many places; this isn't the place for that. I don't feel like it, anyway. I just wanted to put it out there, how I'm feeling. How scary it is. All of my readings lately - in the devotional book and the U. Gita - have been about trust. I have realized I have a hard time trusting the universe. I don't trust my Self to work things out. If I did, I wouldn't worry so much. One of the recent entries in Gates' book said, "You either believe in God or you don't. God is there or He isn't."

That's right. I either believe in brahman or I don't. Since I do, I need to act like it, and trust. I am so grateful for prayer. I'll be doing a lot of that this weekend, and talk to the doc again on Monday, when I'll make the final decision.