1996 - 2004 The Graduate School Years

The average time it takes people to go from B.A. to Ph.D. in Anthropology is nine years. I took exactly that long. There are a lot of reasons it takes us so much longer than it takes those in other disciplines, and this isn't really the place to go into it, I suppose. But some of the reasons are that anthropology is holistic. Instead of studying just a piece of the human experience (political science studies politics, economists study economics, psychologists study cognition, emotion and behavior, etc.), anthropologists study the whole thing - how do politics, economics, and psychology influence each other? How are they integrated with religion, sociology, history, and geography? And how are all of those things influenced by the fact that we are animals, physical beings with DNA, neurons, and pheromones? It just takes longer to learn about all of these things from all of these different disciplinary perspectives and then integrate it. Then there is the way we go about doing research, and funding it - stories for another day. Suffice it to say, it keeps us extremely busy, it is intellectually challenging, if not gruelling at times, and it takes a long time.
By the midpoint of my second semester, I had started to skip some Sundays because I was in the field doing research (though I sometimes went to church as part of that research). I skipped others because I just had too much reading and writing to get done and needed every hour I could cram in during the weekend and evening. I had my new husband Jim to talk to and debate with, so didn't feel the need to write in my journal nearly as often, and in fact I needed that time in the morning for work, anyway.
In many ways I stopped growing spiritually for a long time. I guess that isn’t really true, we are always growing, but it wasn’t conscious. My conscious attention was directed to my growth in other areas for nearly a decade. But on vacations and at other times I dove back into my study of religion and philosophy, and continued, always, to think about and discuss questions of faith, theology, and doctrine.
I think it was in 1998 or '99 that I was offered the opportunity to teach the introduction to world religions, and I jumped at it, seeing it as a chance to both improve my own understanding and help others see the wisdom I had come to recognize in other faiths. It became one of my regular courses and I taught at least one section of it every semester for about five years. That really motivated me to deepen my study of all religion, focusing primarily on the “Big Five”: Hinduism, Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity and Islam.

October 14, 2000 (31 years old)
I’ve been reading/grading my students journals from Intro to Religion. It is amazing to me how little some of them understand what they are reading. The brightest aren’t making much of an effort, and the others are working hard but not getting much. It doesn’t help their bigotry when, during a crisis in Israel, Billy Graham’s son comes to town and preaches that “All Arabs hate Jews, “ that “they won’t rest until every Jew is dead.” What a way to sow the seeds of love and forgiveness, hope for peace.
On the same note, last night Jim told me about what he has learned is going on in his parents’ church. Apparently the members have been sending very ugly hate mail to all of the interim pastors they’ve had. Isn’t that sickening? And they call themselves Christians. How in the world can they justify their actions with Christ’s message of love? I don’t get it.

September 25, 2001 (32 years old)
Have more questions about the coming war, but not enough time to do it justice. Maybe tonight or tomorrow. A quick thought – Jesus said to turn the other cheek. Would he have said the same thing about a person who was torturing children? Just give them more children? Or are there times when he would have condoned violence in response?

April 8, 2002
The unsettlement I’m feeling doesn’t come from any of my life’s circumstances. It is old stuff. I guess that’s why I’ve been feeling it out, trying to figure out where it is coming from. Unfortunately, it means that there is no obvious solution. I can’t change something about my life and make it all go away. At least, I have no idea what to change. Ben trying to figure that out for more than a decade. I suppose the one thing that wouldn’t hurt is spending more time in prayer. Guess I’ll have to try that again.

September 5, 2003 (34 years old)
Dad and I had a long conversation last night about ordaining gay ministers. He’s deeply conflicted. I didn’t say much regarding my own opinion, because it was so interesting to hear his. He’s torn between the order to love one another, and the tolerance Jesus preached, and his own firm belief that the Bible says that homosexuality is a sin. It puts him in quite a difficult position. He is really quite biased. I don’t think he’s know very many gay people. He said he didn’t think he’d want to listen to sermons week in and week out from a gay or a lesbian. I asked him why, and he couldn’t explain. I said he probably had, and didn’t even know it, trying to make the point that it isn’t as if gay people are fundamentally different. He said maybe.
I asked him how he felt about the Episcopalian’s recent confirmation of a gay bishop. He said it was good for the gay community, but he just didn’t know if it was good for the church. He thinks it is an instance of the church capitulating to the culture, and thinks the church should be doing more to change culture, rather than being changed by it.
I said the church has always been affected by culture, at which he bristled, saying the early church wasn’t. I argued only a little, even though as an anthropologist I could have pointed out that all religion is firmly rooted in culture. But I didn’t because I agree with the larger point he was trying to make, which is that the church is in crisis, and that Christians in general are not living up to their responsibility to act and change their communities with love and service.

September 9
Wow. Got up at 5:30 and it was still dark. I sat by the spa and watched the sun rise. Very beautiful. Wish I could feel as close to God as I used to. But it made me feel a tiny bit closer.

March 31, 2005 (35 years old)
I have been having the most amazing dreams from the fever. “I found God at the end of a sentence,” I said to Jim yesterday when I woke up. Then, “I mean literally, in the period.” I wish I remembered what it meant, because the dream had been long and profound.

As soon as I finished my dissertation and defended it, my thirsty soul turned straight back to the question of God. But even though I hadn't written it all down, the intervening years had taken a toll on my faith in Christianity. I was back to feeling that all paths were valid, and that my affinity as well as my intelligence pointed me toward the Sanatana Dharma, Hinduism. But I also still felt that it was difficult to adopt a religion so foreign to one's own culture, and I thought I still might salvage my relationship with Christ. I thought I should give it one last try.

1994 - Trying To Be A Christian - Again

I came out of 1993 knowing I needed to reconnect not only with family but with Spirit. I believed that all religions were legitimate paths to the Truth. I just needed to pick one. I felt most attuned to Hinduism, although Judaism and Islam also exerted strong attractions. But at the time, I decided that my early training in Christianity, and the fact that I live in a Christian-saturated culture, would make following Christianity the best path for me to follow. I therefore re-dedicated myself to the Christian faith, and did my best to practice it. I began to read the Bible again, and truly tried to struggle with the parts that I still felt were mistaken, to try to see what I was missing, what the original intent of the writer was, how God might still speak to me through things that didn’t make any sense. I spent a lot of time in prayer. Well, you can see how it went for yourself - that's what this is all about:


May 22, 1994 (25 years old)
It is a gloriously beautiful morning. A good day for reading Psalms. It seems that every time the worldly pressures of school and work and relationships, etc. are relieved for awhile, my mind turns naturally to spirit. It’s like that is the real work, the real project, and all the other things are just distractions.
I wonder constantly about Christianity. I know that God is beyond gender, and lately I’ve been wondering if it really matters whether I think of It as male or female. It couldn’t possibly care how I engender it, I don’t think. And my 17 or 18 years of conditioning have made it easier to relate to a male god, though it goes against my reasoning. Trying to call it Goddess in my heart feels strained and false. Am I to follow my intellect in matters of the spirit? Or my spirit? If thinking of God as the Father enables me to move closer to that Truth, what does it matter if in the process I have to give up my feminist ideas of Goddess? And if I am willing to call him Father, what stands between that, and my accepting his son?

June 4
So much is happening inside me. S [my boyfriend of one year] and I are camping at Trinity Lake. And I am becoming a Christian again. Where to begin? Maybe it doesn’t matter. Indeed, the only reason I want to write about it here is that I want to write Mom and Dad about this change, and I want to put my thoughts and feelings into some kind of order. I think I’ll just list points, and I can put them in a sensible order later.
1. I truly believe, and have for at least a year, that it doesn’t matter which path you walk, as long as you pick one, and really walk it. But for numerous reasons, I didn’t apply that to me and Christianity, and now I see that I can.
2. If I am going to walk a path, and I always knew I would, it began to occur to me that the religion I grew up with and am knowledgeable about and comfortable with, is perhaps the best one. I’ve tried to connect with Spirit, or the Ultimate Being on my own, and have found that I can’t do it.
3. I have struggled to be a “good” person, and have managed to make some improvements both in my behavior and my heart. But I have never been able to erase this basic sense of “badness,” of shame, that I think I really may as well call original sin. I’ve become aware that there is nothing I will ever be able to do to redeem myself. No matter how hard I try, or how “good” I become. I, myself, do not have the capability to save myself. And at the same time, I find that it is very important to me to be redeemed. Which leaves me in quite a quandary. I feel it necessary to be saved, but know I will never be able to save myself. So my only other option is the hope that God himself will redeem me.
4. I believe God to be beyond gender, but have only gotten in my own way – as I explained before, and am now very comfortable imagining a male type of God.
5. I’m not concerned with heaven at this point. All I’m really looking for is a way to be the kind of person I want to be, that I feel I ought to be, and that I know I can’t be all by myself.
6. I feel ready to surrender. I’ve proven to myself that my will lands me in some kind of trouble more often than not. I’m also willing to admit that I don’t know anything. The more I learn, the more I realize that. So I am not in a position to know what’s best, for me or anyone else. I feel ready to let some One or Thing tell me what to do. This can only happen because I really believe there is One who does know what’s best. Who does have a plan for me and who will guide me as soon as I ask.
7. I’ve struggled so long with the idea that you can only use logic up to a point, and then you must make this leap of faith. I’ve hated the idea of that leap. I think it is only because I understand better the alternative of that leap that the leap looks a whole lot more attractive to me now. I am tired of feeling disconnected, alone and meaningless.
8. Since I’ve begun to move closer to this point, the feeling of connectedness is too strong to deny. Whether it’s a psychological thing I’m doing to myself doesn’t matter to me anymore, because the feeling is real, however derived.
J. [a close friend from adolescence] and I were talking about all this, and she related a conversation she had with a customer once who was a Christian. He was explaining some of the basic points and they got to that leap. J. said, “I want all those things, but how do I do it?” The man answered, “Have faith.” That sent J. into a rage. “Have faith? That’s all you people ever say! I ask serious questions and that’s the only stupid answer you ever give!” Now, many years later, she had the brilliant idea that perhaps she should try it! And kablam! There it was. She discovered it was the only answer, and that it works. That when you try just a little tiny bit of faith, the faith itself seems to take over and produce even more of itself. I’m discovering that same thing.
Ditto with the concept “act as if.” Act as if you were the kind of person you wish you were, and lo and behold, that is who you become. This is an amazing concept to me . . . to anyone, I think, who realizes they are hopelessly evil with no hope of changing it. Ah, but I can act as if I am a good person. And maybe if I am lucky God will help me be that person someday. It does mean you have to do a lot of things you don’t want to. But what a small price to pay for the hope of redemption. I mean, after all, I was going to try to do right whether there was any payback at all. How wonderful that I can get paid back by getting help to be what I want to be.

July 24
I’ve been thinking about the tragedy in Rwanda/Zaire. I just can’t understand why God doesn’t do something. Drop manna and water from the sky, at least! Mom said something that helped a little. She said she had an idea that God’s answer might be that if we who have heard of Him were all doing what we should be, that wouldn’t be happening. Not to make us feel guilty, just a simple explanation of cause and effect. I had said something to Mom about manna being good advertising for God, and she agreed, saying He knew that. Then added that his Enemy would stop at nothing to give Him bad advertising. I said, “Why doesn’t God fight back?” She said she thinks he does, just not in ways we understand. I feel sure, too, that there must be some reason. I just don’t know understand what it is. I know I probably never will. What my job is, I guess, is finding out what God wants me to do, and doing it.

August 3
Thomas Merton says something about there being no neutrality between gratitude and ingratitude. That you either live your life gratefully or not. He remarks also on how much you miss if you choose not to live gratefully. Yesterday another opportunity came to be grateful. I had the chance to buy S. a Bible. He said he wanted one, so I stopped at two places and got him a Living Bible. I also got myself a planner, to guide my reading. I’m beginning on the correct date, which is in Jeremiah. I’m not exactly sure that’s where I need to be reading, but I trust that God has a plan, and also that there is something important to be learned in each passage of His book. So I will read it. I realize, of course, that doesn’t mean I can’t read other parts as well. I’d really like to re-read the gospels. I need to get to know Jesus again, through his life, and his words.
Things inside me are changing. As I read different things, I realize I’m reacting in a totally new way that I would have a month or two ago. Some of these reactions are hard to put into words. One is that I always yearned for a religion that was highly ritualized, one in which you could learn magic, and say intricate spells, that had to be done just right, etc. Now when I contrast that with the simplicity of Christianity I find the former lacking. It just isn’t as exciting as it once was. I don’t want my books on Goddess stuff anymore. They just don’t hold any interest for me. Same with a few of my CD’s. I think tomorrow I’ll actually get rid of them. For now I’m going to read the Bible, and will write about what I read.
Jeremiah 3:20. I’m not exactly sure what I was supposed to get from this. Perhaps it is to help me to come to terms with God’s anger. It is still difficult to understand, but easier than it was before. I think I’m also learning that God’s anger is different from human anger. There are also so many similarities between that time and this one, in terms of turning away from God and constructing our own. It is a good reminder that He will not always be so indulgent with me, and also that it is only when one does as God directs that one has nothing to fear.
I was trying to catch up with the guide, as well, so I read more that I really think I was able to digest. There was a mention of the potter and his clay, which I like. It reminded me that not only will God mold and design me to his will, but also that He can crumple me up and throw me away. He has promised, through his Son, that he will not do that, as long as I keep trying. But that is his gift to me, not my right.
There are so many things to think about.

August 5
Oh, I didn’t write about what I read yesterday in the Bible. One of the things that stood out to me was that in King Josiah’s time, he consulted a woman prophetess. That’s the first time I remember hearing of a woman prophet in the Old Testament, or should I say, a woman afforded any respect of that kind. Another point was that Josiah did his best to wipe out all of the paganism, destroy the idols and renew the covenant his fathers had made with God. Another example of how one person can make a difference.
I wonder what would happen if the Prime Minister of Israel did something like that now. Would the UN interfere? Or just the Americans, with our right of separation of church and state? Why we believe we can impose that on everyone else, I don’t know. If I had a leader whom I believed was really walking with God, and being led by God, like Prince Caspian or something, I’d rather live in a state that was the church. But it certainly would be horrible if they weren’t really close to God, or if they were walking with someone else’s God.

August 7
Lord, I’ve been reading and reading the history of Your Children, and I am sick of all the blood. It’s hard for me to understand how You can be the God of Peace, when all I am reading is war, and murder, and treachery. I realize that humans are treacherous and bloodthirsty, but did You not command them so? What am I supposed to be learning?

August 22
I’m reading Ezekiel and Numbers and I think my process is backwards. Instead of helping me understand and believe more, my reading is just making me question more. It’s so hard to reconcile the God of love with the Old Testament God of war and bloodshed and revenge. I was just thinking, maybe Islam is closer to what God wanted, with its holy wars and eye for an eye philosophy. Does the God I believe in exist? What are You like? Do you love me, or are You waiting to punish me? I think I need to read the New Testament. I’m getting lost in the Old. But it’s only for one more month, and I sense this struggle is good.
Another question, or problem I’m having is that so much of the Law and the guidelines seem culture-specific. I wonder if God still wants to be my God, of if He’s only for desert-dwelling, polygynous, bloodthirsty people. And if he does indeed wish to be my Lord, if he is my Lord, what does he want me to do? Did the rules regarding homosexuality go out with those of sacrifice and seclusion of menstruating women? What exactly is meant by fornication?

September 4
My Bible reading this morning was in Psalms. The recurrent theme was, “How long, O Lord, will Thou be angry?” That was good timing for me, because I can’t feel God close to me. I feel that’s related to all the emotions I’ve been having about my parents. I keep feeling displeasure, and I don’t know if it is from You, or from my internal parental programming. Every time I think about the way my parents treated me I’m immediately suspicious of my own motivations. Am I attempting to absolve myself from responsibility? I keep feeling, Lord, that You are putting those thoughts in my head, but I’m not sure. I can’t figure out if I have any right to be angry. But I was actually hurt. Can I go with that? Isn’t it all right for me to acknowledge that I was very wounded by their actions, without having the instantaneous thought afterwards that it was all my own fault? I know that we are all responsible for our own actions. I know that, and I really believe I am not trying to get out of anything.
After all, I’ve already opened myself, and I have given Mom, Dad and [my younger sister] many opportunities to express their anger at me, and their pain. But they’ve [parents] never given me that chance. I’ve never been allowed to say, “You hurt me,” without them responding that it was my own fault. And I can’t tell, God, if it is You agreeing with them that it is all my fault, or what. So I can’t feel You. I don’t know if you still love me or not.
Lord, my parents rejected me absolutely at one time. They told me they didn’t want me, and they showed it. Now I can’t believe I’m lovable. If my parents could just decide they didn’t want me anymore, then everyone can do that, including You. I’m so frightened that everyone will just stop loving me. Either for a bad thing I did, or just out of the blue. That’s why I can’t believe You really love me. People say You are the perfect Father, but my own father was a good man, and he still found it necessary to reject me. To abandon me. I can’t tell if he was right to do that, in which case, a more perfect father would be able to reject me more completely. Or did he make a mistake? Would a perfect father have more compassion? I just don’t know, and I feel so alone.
Why is it that when I think just of myself in relationship with You, I am sure You can and have forgiven me and that You love me. But when I think of my whole family in relation to You, I feel equally sure that You don’t like me at all? Maybe it is because I know You love them, and I know they walk with You, which means any time I disagree with them, I’m automatically separating myself from You. Or that’s what it feels like, anyway.
God, I made a decision to follow You, and I will not turn back. I have put my faith in You and I will continue to seek You, and I am trying to trust You on an emotional level as well. Until I can, I trust you intellectually. I’ve decided to trust You. But I’m scared and I can’t feel You. I believe You are there and I’ll keep trying to be someone worthy of Your love, though I am but dust.
But Father, will you reject me, too? Will you turn Your face from me? I will keep following You, even if You do, but Lord, I need You. Please don’t leave me. Please love me. How much more do I need You because my own earthly father doesn’t like me? Please let me be Your child even though I do bad things. Please don’t cast me out! Please hear my cry, o Lord.

September 30
I’m going to have to go in a few minutes, but wanted to mention that in my Bible reading this morning I began the gospels. I read the genealogies of Jesus in Matthew and Luke, and I was a little confused and surprised to find that they are different. They begin being different at an early point – Joseph’s father. Now, I’m confused because a) I thought Jews were matrilineal, and b) if Jesus was born through Mary and an Immaculate Conception, who cares what Joseph’s line was? He had nothing to do with it! And c) If they couldn’t get the nearest relationship right, why are they so confident about times even farther back?
Another interesting point is that neither my Bible nor the reading guide discuss or explain the discrepancy. Strange. Will have to look it up in my Oxford Guide to the Bible.

October 3
My Bible reading was in the gospels, concerning John the Baptist, the Temptation of Christ, and the beginning of his preaching. How amazing it must have been to be there, then. To have seen Him with one’s own eyes. It seems that you would have to believe. Yet I guess some didn’t. But it seems to me that those who didn’t believe were those who had something to lose; I.e. the priests who had power. Who had pride. And I guess it’s the same dynamic today. It is those who believe they are self-sufficient who cannot hear His message. It is those who have nothing who are glad of Jesus’ message. It was only when I realized that I am not enough, and that in fact I am in a very precarious position vis-à-vis the world that I found comfort in the word of God, that I was willing to even look.
So I guess things haven’t changed much, and who knows where I would have stood had I lived then. Though of course I would like to believe that I would have seen. That I would have accepted the Christ as the Savior. In reality, it probably depended a lot on one’s economic and political status. Much as it does today.
Another thing to think about is the form of the temptation Jesus was subjected to. He was tempted to make food for Himself when he was very hungry. That is important to me because it means He does know how it feels to be humanly hungry, a state of which we say, “I’d do anything for food.” Yet He didn’t do as he was tempted, which means hunger is not an excuse for doing wrong. Neither is the will to power, much as Neichtze would argue it to be. So He does understand those urges, and he can still say, “Don’t do it.” He, though, was perfect. I’m sure He knows we aren’t, and will forgive us. But still, I cannot use excuses. Let me never call wrong right. It’s still wrong, not matter what ways we try to justify it.
Lord, I admit willingly that I do wrong, even when I know it is wrong. Actually, I think I’m pretty aware of the wrongness of my actions almost all the time. Still I do these things, and in my human, petty ways, I try to justify myself to You. But deep down, I know I am a sinner, and that I’ve disappointed You again and again. Please help me not to try and fool myself anymore.

October 6
Another week almost over. My Bible reading today was in Matthew, and included the Sermon on the Mount. The beginning is comforting, the rest is demanding. The commandments are things I’ve know since I was a child, yet reading them again, now, I realize that I am a sinner through and through. I am selfish and hateful. I have and still do hold some grudges. I have not succeeded in loving my enemies. I am selfish – I see the poverty and misery all around me and do nothing to alleviate it. I have so many excuses for why not. But in the end, will I not also be like Schindler, saying, “I could have saved more?” I know this will be all of our fates. And I am so lazy that I don’t even really want to do better. I want to be able to recognize my own evil and have that be good enough. I am indeed a miserable creature next to those who please You. How can I change myself? Maybe I can’t. I invite You, Father of Heaven, to change me. But let me not forget that I must do the work. I need to do more than pray and read the Bible. I know this. I’m frightened to change. I have not learned to trust. I want to learn. I want to be a Light. I want to shine with Your Light. You have said that we are blessed if we are persecuted in Your name. I have prided myself that I would be able to withstand torture. But I am not even able to risk being rejected by a few anthropologists. I am so weak. And my pride, besides being evil, is empty.
I keep trying to want to do better. I know I am not trying hard enough. It’s like starting a new habit. It’s difficult, and I feel myself failing. It involves thinking in a new way. Making new pathways for my neurotransmitters. But I know it isn’t impossible.
When You walked this earth and You helped people, You told them that their sins were forgiven. Does that mean that it is our own individual sin that makes us diseased and broken? It would be just, in my case. But what about little children, babies? What could they have done? And if it is our own sin, then why are we not healed when we believe in You, and ask that our sins be forgiven? It seems it must be more complex than that. We must suffer because of Original Sin, because we are separated from You, just by the nature of being human.
So when You healed them, You were pardoning them for being human. But didn’t You make them (us) human in the first place? How can You make an imperfect thing, and then require perfection from it? I don’t think I’m really questioning You. I know it’s just that I don’t understand. And I probably never will.
The Problem of Evil indeed. Greater minds than mine have been stumped by this one. After watching Schindler’s List last night, it is impossible not to ask why. Why did these terrible things happen? Why are they still? Why do You let it go on? I know You gave us free will. We have choices. We can choose to be so terrible. How can there be enough hate to make the Holocaust happen? I see that those of who do not act to stop such things are just as guilty. Indifference has always seemed worse to me than hate. Is our greatest sin that we do not trust You? Do you see that it is difficult because we know that You will allow us to suffer greatly? Not to make an excuse, but it is hard. We are to trust in a world beyond this one. But all we can see is this one, and we in the West have chosen to believe only what we see. Though I do believe You are there, it is a fight against all my conditioning to act for You, for the Beyond, instead of for this world that I can see. I want to, though. Please accept my puny attempts to try. Please acknowledge my good intentions and help me make them real.

October 11
My Bible reading was pretty heavy today. Matthew 6 and 7, Luke 7 and part of 8. Jesus tells us that we cannot serve two masters; money and God. Also tells us that we are not to worry about tomorrow; not about food or clothing or trouble. That’s really hard.
[My little sister] and I were talking about this the other day, and she said she wasn’t sure about all that, because look at all the people who are starving. She cited Rwanda as an example. So I was thinking about that, and about what Mom said; namely that if we were all doing as we are supposed to, she thought that wouldn’t be happening. So my thought is, that she’s right. If, as a nation, we were concerned with God’s will, instead of a profit, we would handle all our foreign affairs differently, and we would know what to do, we would have had a lot of practice at feeding the hungry, perhaps we’d even be able to stop wars with love. Mom is right. Another thing is that crises like the one in Rwanda give us an opportunity to do the right thing. A great chance to do great good. And we never take it. We Americans have the means to change people’s lives across the globe. And we never do it.
The third part of all this is that we are to trust God. Not trust Him to keep us from all harm, but trust Him, that when we walk in His path all that befalls us is His will. Father, I thank you for my life today. Thank you for the opportunity to learn in school and from books. Thank you for all the opportunities I will have to be kind to someone today. Thank you for yet another chance to learn to do Your will. Please be with me today, and guide my steps.

October 20
Lord, I am confused about Your word. It seems to say two different things. One, that You are very demanding, and that anyone who is weak and makes mistakes isn’t worthy to follow You. And two, that You seek to save even the worst of us, and that You are gentle and patient. It leaves me wondering, because I know that by one measurement, I am in no way worthy to kiss Your feet, let alone follow You. But by the other I have hope that You will forgive me. Is there a message here that is supposed to be clear, that I am just making complicated and obscure? Or is this a truly ambiguous message that we are meant to ponder over? For now, all I can do is admit my unworthiness, and pray that You will forgive me anyway, and let me be Your servant. I am, at least, willing to be willing. I need so much of Your help. People here on earth say I am a good person, but Lord, I know that You see my heart, and that it is full of pride, stubbornness, anger, and sometimes deceit, as well as selfishness. I know that you are not fooled by my mask, and I am grateful. It is freeing to be seen, to be witnessed as I really am. And it makes it possible for me to ask You honestly and humbly for Your help. I want to overcome these things. I don’t want to keep hardening my heart against You, as I know I so often do. How can I open myself more to Your will? Prayer. Thank You for that answer.
Okay. Then I ask your help in putting aside time for prayer – for listening, instead of the non-stop talking I do. Yes. This feels like the answer.

October 22
My spiritual question of the day is wondering about all the people, just in America, who have led incredible lives, and were really good people, but who weren’t or aren’t Christians. Will they be in heaven?
We watched Unsolved Mysteries last night, and there was a story about a man who’d had a near-death experience. Because of it his whole life had changed. Before, he was a mean bully, and when he “died” he say and felt what each of his cruel acts had done to people through the years. He was also shown 16-18 future events, like the end of the Cold War and the Gulf War. He came back with psychic powers, supposedly, but more importantly, he became an altruistic person, dedicating his life to helping others. He didn’t state whether or not he was a Christian, but I felt he wasn’t. So what about him? Where will he go when he dies? I am confused because in one part of the Bible Jesus says, “He who is not against me is for me,” and in another, “He who is not for me is against me,” and these two messages are not the same. Will that man be seen as for Jesus, since he wasn’t against Him? Or will he be judged as being against Jesus, since he wasn’t specifically for Him?
And what about all the other good people, like G and S? Lord, you said that no one can come to the Father except by You. Does that mean all these others will be locked out? You also said that, “He who seeks shall find.” But it seems to me that there are a lot of people in this country who are seeking desperately, but who aren’t finding anyone or anything. Only You can know whether they are really seeking or not, but they seem to be.
And it is said somewhere else in the Bible that some people will listen but not be able to hear, because You have closed their ears and hearts. That doesn’t seem fair. I know I’m just a human with limited understanding and ways of knowing, but it doesn’t seem fair to me to make people blind and then punish them for not seeing. I’m sorry, but I just don’t understand. I feel sad for all those people who are knocking, and I don’t see why I’ve been allowed to hear, at least a little bit. It seems I could just as easily been one of those who never saw Your light – and if that had been so, would it have been my fault? Or Yours, for blocking my ears? Is there any difference made in Your judgment between the two?
I do believe You are fair, and that Your judgments are just. I’m sure I cannot see this issue clearly because I am too small. But still, Lord, I want to ask You for compassion on those people, and on myself, for not understanding. I realize that for myself, I only do not find what I’m not seeking hard enough. I will keep trying. I desire so much to be with You, to have Your presence every day in my life, and to do Your will. Please help me, to see Your will and do it. Please do not keep my eyes from seeing nor my ears from hearing.
Another thing I need to speak to You about, Lord, is my molestation . . . But God, I don’t want to put my responsibility onto someone else. At what age am I responsible for the things that happened? I do not seek punishment for those who have hurt me. And I don’t want to accuse anyone of abusing me when it is really my fault that it happened. I also don’t want to use it to get more attention or sympathy than I deserve. But I also want it to be understood that I was hurt. Is that wrong, Lord? I need Your guidance, because I’m not really sure a) what all happened, b) who is at fault, c) if I’m entitled to any understanding or sympathy, and d) when I am using it to manipulate people into treating me in certain ways, or excusing me.
For example, yesterday I really wanted to be excused for being distant, selfish and nasty, on the basis of the fact that I was abused. Now, I know it is wrong to use it like that. But I think there may be some truth to the fact that my behavior today is influenced by what happened in the past. And again, age seems to figure into it. For instance, am I guilty for being sexually precocious as a teenager if it was due to abuse as a child? I mean, is there some age at which we aren’t held completely responsible for our actions?
I guess in some ways it doesn’t mater, because I know that You can and have forgiven me for my past. But it does matter, because if today it is wrong for me to blame someone else, then each time I do it I’m sinning. I feel like I need to know exactly who is responsible for what. I just don’t know if You agree with modern psychology that it is never the child’s fault. Psychology lets a lot of people off the hook when You would hold them to a higher standard. Or so I think, anyway. So where do I stand? Please be with me and guide me as I struggle with this. And please have mercy on me and comfort be because regardless of whether or not it was all my fault, I’ve been hurt and damaged by it.

October 24
[after several pages of questioning my own motives]
Lord, I want to be a good servant to You. But you see how bad I am? How involved in self I am? How can I ever be worthy even to call myself Yours? Protect me from pride, for I can even manage to be proud of how awful I am. How irredeemable. How sick. I feel like a hopeless case. And all I can say for myself is that I will keep trying to do better. I think sometimes that I am too smart. Too rational. My brain is so loud that it will not let my heart believe or hope or have faith. Father, I throw myself on your mercy.
Just to show you how convoluted it all is – I have to ask myself whether the writing about this is just another way to give myself strokes for being so honest with myself, or manipulating people way in the future who might read this to think I was too hard on myself. It never ends!

October 26
It occurred to me that I am at the stage with my guilt where I was when I left Christianity at age 18. It hasn’t developed through the years. Instead I’ve picked it up right where I left off. And I think it was a large part of the reason I quit being a Christian – because this issue of guilt seemed unresolvable. I am determined to resolve it somehow this time, so that I can move on and grow up spiritually. I will not let it drive me again away from God. But I see that I am going to need help.
My reading in the Bible today will have to be read again because it just confused me.

October 30
My Bible reading is just confusing me. Jesus seems to vacillate between being really harsh and really gentle. Lord, please help me to understand Your words. I feel that my capacity to truly take in Your lessons has been shut down. I don’t know if by You or by me.

November 21
Monday morning. I slept in late, then read my bible and read a little of C.S. Lewis to S. I read the rest of Galatians this morning, and I get really confused and irritated reading Paul’s letters. Lord, I know You must have chosen him and preserved his words, and I know I have no right to judge him. But I don’t understand how he can claim to be so like You. He isn’t humble in his writings at all. Maybe he didn’t need to be. But it is a stumbling block to me. Please help me get over it. Help me to understand what he is saying. I feel this is going to be a long struggle for me. Please help me to stick with it. Help me to hear what You are saying through him. Thank you. And thank you for Lewis, who helps me understand, and inspires me to do better. I am so weak.

November 22
Read James this morning. Oh Father. I sin in nearly everything I do, and sin also in the things I do not do. How will I ever live up to all you ask of me? I believe in You, yet how much has my life really changed? I read the Bible every morning, and I pray more often, but my works, my doing, really hasn’t changed. It seems I am unwilling, truly, to give myself to You. I don’t know what to do to change it. I am so lazy. I guess that’s the bottom line. I can’t even feel generous about the amount of time I’ve spent making gifts for people, because I’ve only done what I’ve wanted to do, and have used it as a way to avoid doing what I should be doing. I have a hard time motivating myself to do what I am supposed to do, let all the additional things I could be doing in the community.

December 1
I have been reading my Bible every morning, but I feel as if there is a veil over my mind, and I am just not able to understand or take in what I’m reading. My irritation with Paul – his writing style, his egoism – gets in the way. Its disappointing, because I really thought that once I got into the New Testament all, or at least much, would become clear. I guess it isn’t going to be that easy, eh?
Well, Father, I hope You will grant me enough time on this earth to struggle successfully with Your word. I mean, of course, not that I will conquer it, but that it will conquer me. More things need to change inside me. I know. But it feels like so much has to be done right now that I don’t have time to be introspective. I’ll keep reading and praying and asking You to work in me. I’m sorry, but it feels like all I have to give you right now are my preoccupations.



It is really difficult for me to present these excerpts without additional commentary. I see things so differently now, and even as I post these, I gain new insights into what might have been going on with me. But I'm going to save that for another day and let this be what it is for right now.

1993 - A Downward Turn in the Spiral

I Can't Say it Was a Bad Year, But . . .

It certainly was different from the year before, and it was difficult. At the time, it felt like I'd taken several giant steps backward. I can see now that it was, in fact, forward progress. One sometimes has to revisit painful episodes and in fact, I have had to revisit these painful things over and over again in my life in order to work through them. Most of my journaling was the processing of that very difficult work, and only a very little of it directly relates to my spiritual journey. But here are a handful of excerpts that provide some flavor and context and help to explain later twists and turns. That awful black pit of self-loathing reappeared and blotted out almost everything else:



August 9, 1993 (24 years old)
Which reminds me that I haven’t been doing much of anything about my own spirituality. I have prayed some – just Thank you, thank you, thank you, mostly, because I’ve been so blessed. I am truly grateful, and have been trying to maintain an “attitude of gratitude.” I guess I’ve partly decided that if I can’t operate from a place of love all the time, perhaps I can operate from a place of thanksgiving. I can try, anyway. Perhaps if I really do that right, it will gradually become a place of love. I know when I’m really paying attention, consciously taking note of everything around me that I’m grateful for, I can’t help feel love for whatever Power gave me all this, and I also feel love for the things I have. My love for my friends becomes immeasurably strengthened, fuller, more all encompassing. It’s hard to be petty and self-absorbed while you are appreciating and giving thanks for the world you live in and the life you have been given. I’ve certainly never done anything to deserve this miraculous life. It is grace.

October 31, 1993
God. I’m falling back into a horrible place today. It’s so difficult to find out what is true. I’m feeling ugly and bad today. S [my current boyfriend] says he loves me, but I’m so worried. What if he loves an illusion? What if Dad is right? And how can I change if I don’t even understand what makes me evil? What is it about me that my father can see but no one else can? How can I find out? I guess in therapy, and trying even harder to be honest with myself. The work ahead of me feels so daunting today. I don’t even know how to begin. I’m supposed to call my parents this weekend, but I don’t think I will. I’m not ready to tell them about school yet [I had withdrawn for the semester], and they are going to ask sometime. . . I don’t want to tell them right now, because I don’t even know how I feel about them. Am I angry and hurt because they don’t like me, or am I guilty of being evil and afraid to tell them anything because they’ll see right through me to the real reasons I’m not in school? In which case maybe I should talk to them to find out my own ulterior motives, since I’ve so cleverly hidden them from myself. If I have them. Jeez, I’m confused. Am I good or bad? If I’m okay, how can I explain why my parents, particularly my Dad, dislike me so much? What have I done that they could interpret as evil without either them or me actually being bad people?
And how am I supposed to go through the days as if nothing is wrong with me until I figure it all out? How can I accept love from S when I know there is a good chance he’s giving it to an evil monster? And the killer is, no one believes me when I say I may be really bad. But how can they ignore the evidence? And of course, we all want love, so I’m probably not completely honest or convincing when I tell him because I don’t really want him to stop loving me.
What I want is to be able to tell someone all the things about me that I know are bad and have them still love me. And I have tried to do that with S, but there are things – the worst things- that I’ve held back. And until I remember all the molestation stuff and tell it to someone, I will never really know if I’m truly loveable or not. I guess that is the bottom line. And I can’t even remember it all. Maybe not because I’m afraid of what was done to me – maybe I’m really afraid of what I did.
Jesus Christ! How do I get beyond that one? I have tried so many times to face the truth about myself, and been ready to go to hell on the spot if need be, but I always come out feeling better about myself, and what could that be except that I’ve managed to fool myself again? Maybe humans can’t allow themselves to see the really awful truth about themselves because if we did we’d kill ourselves and wouldn’t reproduce to keep the species alive. At least some of us would. Its like a leftover part of our reptile brain – it never lets me see how bad I really am. But my father sees it. Maybe because he is a minister and he’s more used to dealing with evil. Maybe it isn’t even anything I’ve done. Maybe he can just smell it. And if that’s true – if it isn’t even something I’ve done, but just something I am – what am I supposed to do about it? How can I even find out? How get rid of it? Would I maybe just have to die?
I think I’m just going to go escape into a book or some music or something. I feel like I’ve reached saturation. I mean, what am I supposed to do with all these feelings?

November 30
I want to write something from the book [If I should Die Before I Wake, by Michelle Morris]. She’s talking about when she was introduced to Christianity, and she says, “Suddenly my own plight was illuminated with meaning. The purpose of my misery was to win grace, an ethereal substance that would flow into my soul until my death.” God! I remember feeling this way – to be a martyr – that must be the purpose of my life – I believed that!



Toward the end of this year of intensive personal work, I felt a deep need to reconnect with my family, with my parents. I sought their forgiveness for the terrible ways I had treated them when I was a teen. I wanted desperately to reestablish the closeness we had when I was a child, before I was molested by a neighbor. I believe now (but I didn't realize until very recently) that it was largely that longing that turned me back toward Christianity again when I re-emerged from the darkness in search of a personal faith.

1992 - First Year at a Four-Year University

To continue the journey . . .
I worked very hard for several years at mending the damage done to me (by myself and others) in my childhood and adolescence (more about that later; included sexual abuse). I did group and individual therapy, of several different varieties, I read widely, I wrote out my process in my journal, and I slowly began to recover from the hurts that had driven my teen years. Part of that healing involved getting my life together in more outward ways; I held down jobs, I went to school, and gradually I made a plan for the future that involved getting a doctorate.
When I transferred from community college to a four-year school, I was in a very good place, emotionally and spiritually (if not financially!). Well, judge for yourself!

July 31, 1992 (23 years old)
Kris (my neighbor when I moved away to attend college, who became a very close friend) came over yesterday. She was talking about happiness, and how it eludes her, and abruptly she asked if I was happy, then said I seemed like I was. I thought about it, and I said that I wouldn’t call it happiness – that it was more contentment, and peace with myself. It came out easily, but I amazed myself. You know, it’s true! I am at peace, and I am no longer striving for “happiness,” whatever that is. It seems that happiness is based on circumstance and is transitory. What I seek, and what I’ve found, in part, is an inner joy. It stays, no matter what the circumstances are.
I think that’s what Mom was trying to tell me all those years ago. But she said I would only find it in Jesus, and she was wrong about that. Perhaps it only comes when you try to follow Light, and I think Jesus is only one branch of the Light. There are others. Mom just never looked for any other kind of light. I kind of want to tell her something about it in a letter. I think she won’t really believe it, but she might try.
The other thing I’m wondering about is this: So many writers say that we change the world with our beliefs. I mean the real earth. That because we believe in scientific laws, they are true. The question is, could we bring back the old goddesses just by believing in them? Wouldn’t it be great? Or would it be awful? Maybe those gods and goddesses really belong to those times, and would not serve the same purposes in this time.
But what about the new goddess of the future? The future that begins today? Could we bring her to life? Is she already here, and I just haven’t found her? It’s hard to believe she can be worshipped indoors. But in the cities, where would people go to worship her? I just know I want her in my life. I hope that she will find me. In some ways I feel like I’ve been marked for some kind of service. J [my sister] thought so too. She thinks that the powers of Light and Darkness were battling over me when I was in my teens, and she believes I must be on my way to some thing special. In some ways I agree with her, even if it does sound really conceited.

August 18, 1992
Dad and I had another conversation about Christianity. I was so emotional from everything that has happened that I almost cried when we were talking about condemnation. He makes me want to be a scholar just so I can argue better with him. The thing is, I’m sort of tired of arguing about Christianity. If people want to believe it, it’s okay with me. I don’t consider it my job to un-convert them. If they are really Christians, it’s a good thing to be. I only argue to retain my disbelief.

I went to a small state university that felt like a private liberal arts college, where I was lucky to have excellent professors. In this first year, my fall was one amazing semester, in which I took two Religious Studies courses and a physics class designed to give non-majors a solid understanding of important and cutting edge physics without making us learn the math. The things I learned in one class intertwined with what I learned in the others, making possible key insights that still shape the way I understand the universe.
I was also majoring in anthropology and learning the values of cultural relativism. Through those experiences as an undergraduate, I came to the conclusion that there were many valid faiths. I formed the opinion, which I still hold, that all religion is an attempt to reach God (however defined or conceptualized), and that each one will likely bring you closer to Her/Him/It if you practice it diligently. But I also saw the wisdom of my mother’s advice not to try to piece a religion together out of parts of others; if you do that, you run the risk of picking only the easy stuff, and never maturing spiritually.


August 31, 1992
I am going to use you as a sort of rough draft of my paper. It is really questions about an essay by Thomas Berry. What it’s saying is that we see everything that happens in our lives differently, based on how we view the human condition. He says that humans, as we are born, need a new birth, or a lot of fixing, before we are anything to be proud of. He says that our main task in life is to handle the pain of our existence, while we search for a way to give our lives meaning. The ultimate purpose for human life is for us to bring this meaning to everyone, thus completely elevating the human condition.
I agree with him to a certain extent. I believe that the purpose of my life is to search for true meaning, and I certainly find that people who are not searching for meaning are unsatisfactory beings. However, I find myself protesting when I read the words “impose on it a saving discipline.” I guess I don’t like the idea of any discipline being imposed on me. This seems to imply that other beings are wiser than me, and will tell me how to be saved. I feel that finding our own paths to transformation is an important part of that transformation.
It reflects my experience in that I have found that in the midst of my joy at being alive, there is always a sense of tragedy. For me, this tragedy is how humans have managed the extraordinary gifts we’ve been given, how the human condition has been used in a destructive direction so often. I also find myself in Berry’s statement that we are unsatisfactory until we have experienced a spiritual birth. I mentioned above what in the essay contradicts my experience.
My experience of the human condition is that it is a journey in search of ultimate truth. On this road there is almost constant pain, but there is also much joy. It seems that we can even begin to find joy in pain once we feel we’ve had a glimmer of what the ultimate truth, or meaning, is. To be a person is to walk along this road, going down wrong paths sometimes, falling down frequently, making mistakes and, it seems, occasionally being struck by lightening from the sky. The purpose of all the mistakes is to learn more. Some of us go slower, some make more mistakes, but we are all on this learning journey.
I respond to this condition by trying to learn as much and as quickly as I can. I try to be philosophical when I fall down, and see if I can figure out what I tripped on. In the last year or so, this last section of the road, I think I must have been struck by lightening, but instead of damaging me, it sort of just electrified me, and made it possible for me to experience joy. Or perhaps I just saw a road sign that showed that I was on the right path after all.

September 1, 2992
Religion [my first introduction to comparative religion course] was better today. We discussed our papers (didn’t have to turn them in) and got into a very interesting talk about the human condition. He said that at the base of who we are, or the situation we find ourselves in is this: we are only aware of ourselves when we are aware of something else, and at the same time are aware of a larger thing that encompasses both. I-Other-All type of thing. He was saying that all the religious traditions involve this awareness. The struggle, or the tragedy of our situation is that we have ambivalent way of being capable, in our awareness, of being separate, or being connected. We usually end up at some point in the separateness, with the knowledge and longing for connectedness. This is what religion is about, W says. I agree. Or at least, I see what he means and I can’t find anything to argue with him about here. It rings true.
And of course Physics was wonderful. We mainly talked about different kinds of energy. He explains everything so well! And in such a way that he makes it fun to listen to him. You couldn’t possible space out during his lectures. He explained chemical energy so that I understand it, and Wednesday we’ll tackle nuclear energy. I know I’ll get that for the first time, as well. I’ve been thinking how wonderful it is to have complete confidence, for the first time, that all of my teachers know way more than me.

September 9
Elizabeth (my old therapist) called me on Sunday, and I felt so disconnected from her. I feel like I’ve gone beyond what she is capable of seeing. Some of the things she said are true, such as when I told her how good I felt lately, she said that the spiral would turn again, and I’d go back through the shit. That’s true. But what she didn’t say or seem to understand is that since it is a spiral, the shit will be on a higher level. I don’t think I’ll go back to where I was. I know she was trying to prepare me, but why does she have to concentrate on the negative? She recognizes I’ve changed, but I don’t think she sees how great a change it’s really been. Sometimes it feels like healers, having achieved the healing they meant to do, have a hard time letting go.
I was thinking that this is really a hard time, in that I can’t pinpoint how I’m growing. I don’t mean hard. Scratch that. It’s just that when I think about what I’m doing, or how I feel about things, I can’t point to anything in particular and say, “That’s what I’m working on.”
It’s more that I’ve said “Yes” to this journey, this adventure to find myself. All I can really point to is how I feel at peace with myself (for the most part), and this sense of wonder I have. I guess there are some other, more objective things, but all the changes are so subtle, or so they seem to me.
One of the things in the myth book [read for a course called “Living Myths”] says that some people “seek to disentangle themselves from the roles that are not essentially who they are” [Leonard Biallas]. I feel as if that’s exactly what I’m doing. Yesterday we were talking about Jung’s extrovert/introvert theory, and my thought is that in my youth I played a role of being extroverted, but in truth am an extreme introvert. As I disengage myself from my various roles, my outside begins to look more like my inside, and anyone can plainly see now that I’m introverted. The other, more major role that I am dropping is victim.
7:30pm. I just got home from Physics lab a while ago. My mind is totally blown. We were talking about how big our universe is: The minimum estimate is 1025 X 15 billion light years. It’s so huge, so much bigger that I can even conceive of. I feel very insignificant. What possible difference does it make what I do with my life? I’m one of 5 1/2 billion people living on a speck of dust circling a mediocre star in a tiny galaxy. I have to think about all of this really seriously. I think I’ll go listen to Santana and try to figure it out.

September 10
Well, I wouldn’t say I figured anything out. Dreamed about the problem all night but can’t remember particulars. I ended up sleeping sideways in bed with blankets all a-jumble. It’s something I guess I’m going to have to live with for a long time. These aren’t easy questions. I called Joe [an old engineering friend] and spoke to him a little, but his answers weren’t satisfying. I may have to speak to Dr. B about it, or maybe Dr. W. Or both. I guess maybe Joe did help, because he mentioned how particles (photons) communicate with each other over vast distances in some way that we don’t understand. If that’s true, then perhaps I can use it to help me see how I’m connected to the rest of the cosmos. Anyone who doesn’t feel the way I’m feeling at some point doesn’t really understand the vastness of the Universe.

September 15
In my myth book, he puts it this way, “We gradually rename reality and totally reorient our entire person to it. We say yes to the new reality, consent to the growth and change in our selves, and act on our new perceptions.” Also, “It is the taking on of a strength within us, and yet beyond us . . . becoming aware of my potential and saying yes to it, somehow related to my ability to transcend myself in relation to the world” [Leonard Biallas] Isn’t that beautiful and desirable? He’s talking about the spiral journey. Since I am taking this journey, it seems that this “saying yes” is a crucial part. I want to say yes to my potential. I don’t want to stay stuck in feeling bad about myself.
One of the clearest ways I see to start effecting this change is to study. To study until I feel great about myself, and learn how to live with those good feelings.

September 25
Last night the sky was so clear. I located the Northern Cross, but that’s it. Still, never seen it before. Then I woke up at 4am and saw another beautiful, bright constellation. I think maybe it was Orion. I just looked in my notes and it was! It was such a magical moment, because I had opened my blind before I went to sleep, and Orion literally woke me up. It was so bright. It was weird how I knew it was Orion, too, because I never knew what it looked like before. When I saw it I just KNEW! Then I went back to sleep and dreamt about it. The dream was so religious. I was being told what Orion meant, what he stood for, etc. I wish I could remember now. What an amazing experience.
I’ve always wanted to be able to look up at the stars and know where things were – what those stars meant to the people who looked at them a thousand and more years ago. Now I’ll be able to. This is such and awesome semester. Truly – I am filled with awe. What a wondrous universe I live in. I’m glad I’m a human being, even if all that means is that I’m a bunch of carbon chains floating on a fleck of dust around an average star. This is a beautiful fleck of dust. I love our star, our Sun. And most wondrous of all, I love being who I am. All my faults and fears and neuroses. I am unique and I am a fantastic thing – a human being.
Joseph Campbell said that what we are really searching for is the experience of being alive, not meaning. But I think if one has the experience of being rapturously alive, one understands the meaning of that aliveness. And vice versa. Right now, this month, I feel rapturously alive! And I think I understand the meaning. Not consciously, or cognitively, but I feel the meaning.

September 28
I prayed last night. It’s been awhile since I truly directed my thoughts to the Goddess. It felt so good. I remember when I was young and prayed to God, I always wanted something. Well, maybe not always, that isn’t fair to my young self. But it felt so good to realize that all I wanted was to be enfolded in her arms, to feel Her presence through the day, and to make myself a vehicle for her Light.
That’s how I like to think of the way I fit into John’s [a friend – not boyfriend, who was struggling] life. He keeps saying that if it weren’t for me he wouldn’t have done what he is doing [seeking therapy]. I know that isn’t true. But I’m thinking maybe the Universe used me as a catalyst, and if so – I love it! I want the Universe to use me like that whenever it feels like it! While I was praying I was thanking the Goddess for that, and asking that it continue to happen, and also for help in never taking credit myself. I know intellectually, of course, that it isn’t me, but it is a human fault to be proud.
I want to always remember and live what Krishna said, “The work is yours to do; not the fruits thereof.” . . . wouldn’t it be a wonderful life if I could truly and completely open myself to that Power, and let it flow through me, ,let it use me for its own purpose, never for my own advancement, or for secretly thinking I’m better than other people? But to do it for the simple joy of being filled with Spirit, and the joy of being used for a higher purpose.
I think the goal of my life should be to keep turning myself over to this power. To give myself up, and let myself go. To do my sacred duty for the sake of duty itself, not for anything I might gain from it. Of course, what I get from it is joy, and I do feel that reward every time I do it. I love that feeling, and perhaps that is what really motivates me. I don’t know ho to get away from that. I think it is okay, though. Maybe that joy is supposed to be our natural state, and when we do our dharma we return to it.

October 16

[This passage comes at the end of a description of a conversation with Phil, a friend who had just returned from a protest at the Nevada test site where the first atom bomb was detonated, Kris, and Jennifer, another new friend.]
Phil said that at the test site the sisters were incredible. They locked arms and no amount of police could separate them. The men were being walked over to the police buses, but the women had to be dragged. When he said that, Jennifer said, “Women are powerful. We are the ones who are going to save the earth.” It’s amazing how just reading a lot of Goddess material makes me feel so huge – so full of power. What would the world be like if little girls were all exposed to the stories of wonderful, powerful Goddesses during all the years of their growing up? Wow! We would be so assertive, so strong!
I woke up feeling so good this morning. I’ll have to make it part of my life to touch base with the Goddess every day. Joseph Campbell stresses the importance of having a sacred place and to go to it every day. He’s not the only one. I’ve felt that I needed to for a long time, but I haven’t consciously done it. I’m going to start. Maybe get back into doing rituals, too. They really are empowering. Such a simple thing to do, and it will help me get through the coming season.
In the past, I’ve had problems with faith, but that is going away. I’ve seen now how filled I am just from praying. How much more will the Goddess reveal herself to me if I invoke her in ritual? I’ve said before that my spirituality is more eastern, but I’m realizing that there are places in me that can’t be touched by meditation alone. And I don’t feel alone in the Universe, like there is a path I follow all alone, like a therevadan Buddhist. I feel the presence of some Other.

October 18
Just remembered part of a dream. I was heir to a huge fortune, but I didn’t believe it – had been a nun in Rome, called back to take my mansion, etc. There was a room I wasn’t supposed to go into – went in – there were tons of everything – jewels, perfume, food, etc. My mother had loved some red stone – don’t remember now. There were also sapphires and emeralds. I had a whole group of friends exploring with me. Sometimes I was one of them watching me. There was a dog who was really a person, turned by sorcery into a dog. I could understand him. Sometimes I was him.
There was a shrine to my mother in this room – beautiful. I couldn’t figure out if it was real – me being the heir – because there was so much trickery – things seemed so contrived to make me believe I was. There was an earlier part of the dream where I was the mother – I don’t remember it clearly. Remember being beautiful, powerful and rich. A witch, with a witch husband who was gorgeous. We wore beautiful, elegant clothes, which was strange, because later, when I was the child, I spoke to my dead mother saying, “You really dressed in paisley” or, “You had a paisley heart” or something like that.
Where in the world did that dream come from? What does it mean? When I was in it, I had a feeling of familiarity with it, as if it was a dream about a story I once read. But now I don’t remember any such story. It was a tragedy/mystery. Something tragic happened to me as the mother, and the daughter-me was supposed to resolve it somehow. In the background of the dream (I never saw them) there was a cook, and butlers, other servants. They were all guiding me somehow to what they wanted me to see. Never knew if they were benevolent or cruel.
Wow. What an incredible dream. It has a Persephone/Demeter flavor to it, but I can’t get at how they are related. They just feel as if they are. There was some point where I was picking flowers. Why does Rome keep popping up in my dreams? It isn’t the Rome I visited, exactly, but some kind of archetypical axis-mundi-mecca-world center-type thing.
Is it about my real, earth-mother-human-mother – or the mother part inside me? Or the Goddess Mother? Garnets. That was the red stone. There were also other things in jars – no one had been in that room for years and years, supposedly, but there were things in jars that were still alive – like the fish. I couldn’t figure out if it meant my mother had been a powerful sorceress, or people were playing tricks on me.
Were flashbacks to when I was the mother. So in love with the husband. Were they both killed? I don’t know. Why was I, the daughter, a nun? Maybe shows deeply spiritual? Was also a choice – I wanted to go back to Rome, had given up all earthly ties, taken vow of poverty, and here were all these riches being forced on me. The unseen servants seemed to be telling me that being a nun was training for the early part of my life, but now I must take my rightful place, assume my power. Seems like there is a lot in there I need to unpack.

October 19
[In reference to the work I was doing for the Living Myths class – where I was completing an assignment in which we were to identify the central myths of our lives]
It all fits in with this Dark Lord thing I have. I wonder if it is true – that once I marry the Dark Lord inside myself I won’t be attracted to his human replica. Whoa! I just realized something! My black times correspond almost exactly to the times that Persephone goes to live in the Underworld. I can’t have been doing it on purpose, sub-consciously, because it never even occurred to me to connect myself with Persephone before last week. What does this mean?

November 3
[In reference to a phone conversation with my childhood friend, G]
She is so psychic! Or rather, we are so psychic when we are together. Last night she told me that she sees in me a combination of dark and light, that I hold all these things together inside myself. Those are my words, but that was the gist. Isn’t that amazing? That was without her and I ever talking about how that is my goal. She’s never read my Living Myth papers, which are almost completely about that struggle for me. Later on in the conversation she said she saw me as being in this dark place, and she said, “You know that Indian goddess with six arms?” I was completely stumped for a second, because I was thinking Native American. Then I just went, “Oh my God!” as I realized she meant Shiva, or Kali! She didn’t even know what Shiva represents, or anything! When I told her he was the Destroyer, and that dancing he’s doing is maintaining the Cosmic Order, and that he IS a representation of how life/death, black/white, etc. go together, and that I had just written a paper about him, we both freaked!! That is so WILD!
And we had been talking earlier about how I’m getting closer to the Goddess of Death, the Morrigan, Persephone, the Raven of Panic – and who is Shiva’s shakti but Kali – the Terrible One. This is just blowing me away. I get so empowered when I speak to her. I feel intensely beautiful and strong – invincible. I feel her doing more than supporting me in my goal to incorporate the Terrible side of the Goddess – she’s telling me I already am who I want to be!

November 6
I have many thoughts on what we are learning in there (intro to comparative religion). On Wednesday he invited Rabbi Shornberg to speak to us, and I really learned a lot about how a reformed, liberal Jew sees Judaism. One of the things he said was that Israel means “Man wrestles with God.” He sees this as THE main point of Judaism. And he told us all these stories to back that up. He said, “I don’t care if the Torah says that homosexuals should be ostracized or stoned to death. EVEN if God said that, it is wrong!” I think that is really cool. He said Jews say their prayers in the name of all their ancestors except for Noah, because Noah didn’t argue with God to try and save all the other people. He just blindly obeyed. Rabbi Schornberg says blind obedience is NOT what Judaism is about.

Clearly, 1992 was an amazing year for me in all kinds of ways. Looking back, it was one of the best years of my life. So many things were new to me, and I was soaking up everything I could, learning from so many different sources, and feeling something for myself other than hatred or disgust for the very first time since childhood. It was a watershed year.

To continue from 1991

Perhaps inevitably, I came to resent God for making me feel so guilty all of the time, and for throwing so much garbage at me and then blaming me for it (as I understood it at the time). I felt betrayed by God. And as I began to take college classes and to read more widely, I became more aware of the oppression of women in our society and throughout history. I got more and more disgusted with Christianity for the structural and symbolic violence the church has committed against women and other peoples.


I began to read the Bible with a more critical eye, and found a lot of other things I could not understand nor stomach. I began to really question the nature of God. My parents had taught me about the inerrancy of scripture (no, they weren’t absolute literalists, but they did believe that God protected the Bible from mistranslation, etc.), and they had, wisely, taught me the dangers of picking and choosing what you like from the Bible and discarding the rest. What that meant in my late teens, though, was that I was going to have to discard the whole Bible, because there were things in it with which I simply could not bring myself to agree.


March 4, 1991
What if there is a god whose idea of a good time is burning and torturing people in eternal hell fire, and he just threw down Jesus to make the game more challenging? Put God in the role of the devil, trying always to entice people to his hell. It makes as much, if not more, sense than does the idea of a loving God. Maybe it is all a game and God threw Jesus in for confusion, and the object of the game is to see who can figure out which stuff is true and which stuff God was just kidding about.
When I read the Bible now, all I find are things to disagree with. I was just reading it, the one I’ve had for years, and so many of the passages are marked. I know that at one time I derived comfort, guidance, euphoria, excitement, terror, guilt, etc. from those pages. The only feelings that book now provokes in me are contempt and indignation, and confusion.
I’ve always liked to think of Jesus as a great man. A good man, I guess, seeing as he’s been around for so long, he must have been “great” in some definition of the word. But what is troubling me now, is: was he good? I would think he was a lot better if he hadn’t gone around proclaiming himself better than everyone else. Sin free. And not offering the hope that any could be like him. If you believe he was the son of God, then his attitude is proper and fitting. But I don’t. So he just seems pretentious. Maybe even bad. He said a lot of things about hell and eternal condemnation that as a mortal he had no business saying. Was he just using cheap tactics to scare people? Why? How would he gain?
No, I think he really believed what he was saying. Was he insane? Or was he just putting things into words that stupid people would understand? Which they don’t seem to, anyhow, as evidenced by their continual disagreements about what he meant. Perhaps that is what he was trying to do [stir up disagreements]. Yet somehow I can’t believe that. That makes him no better than the best of the TV evangelists who serve us their watered down versions of the gospel grossly distorted by their own interpretations. I think he must have been crazy. That’s the only way I can have respect for him.
Mom used to say that you either have to believe Jesus was the son of God, or that he was nuts. But that’s not true. You could believe he was evil. You could believe he was power-hungry in a weird way. You could believe that he was one of those people (like L. Ron Hubbard) who couldn’t handle being ordinary so he made up a good story. But I want to like Jesus a little bit. So I’m going to see if I can.

March 5, 1991
I would really like to write a convincing “Why I am Not a Christian” book someday. The subject is so huge, though. Whenever I start thinking about it after a short time my mind begins to boggle. The problem is that the whole thing is a big spider web. As soon as you follow one strand just a little way, it connects with another one and the fifty little off-shoots and before you know it you have ten books open in at least two places each and it could just drive you nuts if it wasn’t so much fun.
I guess I need to compile all my questions and set up an appointment to interview Dad to get a Christian point of view. Maybe Mom, too. Some of my questions would be:
1. What is his belief about evolution?
2. Why did Jesus let the demons have their way and sent them into a bunch of innocent pigs that then died?
3. Why did Jesus curse an inanimate object (the fig tree) just because it didn’t have fruit when he wanted it? Wouldn’t it have been more to the point to make it bear fruit?
4. What is his outlook on all the wars that have been fought in Jesus’ name? The Inquisition?
5. What are the ingredients that make a good Christian?
6. What is Christianity supposed to do for them? Why is it good? Does it accomplish these goals?
7. Do you truly believe there is no place in heaven for Gandhi?
8. If no to the above, what about all the little, unpublicized Gandhis?

I began to search for a religion I could believe in. I flirted with Wicca, because I desperately wanted a faith that did not demean or denigrate my femininity. If I had been able to hook up with a good group of women, I might have pursued Wicca more fully. But most of those I knew who were interested were only practicing at a superficial level. They wanted to do magic; wanted to be able to work their own miracles, but they weren’t interested in it as a way of life, a way of honoring the environment and the human body and spirit and finding balance and peace. So that just did not seem like the right answer for me. But I was still pursuing the notion of god as female. I went through a period of consciously referring to the Goddess, always in the feminine, and praying to God the Mother. I already had figured that Ultimate Reality must be genderless, or be all genders at once. But it seemed important to me to redress 2000 years of referring to God only in the masculine. What are the feminine qualities of god that get ignored because we speak only of the male side, and the qualities or characteristics we associate with men? How much more might we see God as nurturing and caring if we emphasized God’s feminine aspect? These questions became important to me (see more to come).

Faith has always been such a huge part of my life, that I really felt its absence. I had an inarticulate belief that there must be a God, even if Christianity was a bunch of bunk, and even if I didn’t always like God. I was sure He/She/It must still be there. In fact, the main reason I went to college at all was because I was reading a lot of philosophy, looking for answers, and realized I needed help to understand what I was reading. I continued to read a lot outside of class, and some of the things I found were very exciting! Such as my introduction to Buddhism and Hinduism via Alan Watts (although I didn’t know it was a blend of those religions at the time).

July 23, 1991
I am so excited about this book! The Book, by Alan Watts. I’ve been trying to read it carefully to make sure I understand every point and don’t miss anything. I want to recap it and see if I really “get it.” Also, by putting it into my own words I can make it more “mine.”

1. The universe and all its organisms are “god” playing hide and seek with itself. Since there is nothing outside of god, it has no one to play with but itself. So to make the game really interesting it hides from itself in individuals (and animals and rocks, etc.) and forgets who it is, so that the seeking part of the game will be more interesting. The ramifications of this are as follows:
a. there is no such thing as “me” as a separate being. There are no separate parts. We’ve just forgotten who we really are.
b. The object is to remember that we are God, or Self, or just one part, one section of the wiggle that is the Universe.

2. The game we play of binary opposition, black-and-white should really be called black vs. white. The point here is that we should learn to see things as black and white, as if they were two sides of the same coin. To see matter and space not as separate parts but as “goingwith” each other. To throw out even such ideas as cause and effect for the idea of “goeswith”. Like there can’t be a mountain if there is no valley. The mountain is not the cause of the valley, or vice versa. They “gowith” each other. What people are trying to do by making ‘good’ conquer ‘evil’ is make everything mountains. It’s impossible. Learn to see what we call ‘things’ are just glimpses of a unified process.

3. You cannot explain what anything is without explaining what it does. Therefore you cannot explain a thing without explaining its environment. Things must be viewed in their own context. And necessarily, you cannot explain one thing without contrasting, comparing, or relating it to another. Even ourselves. I can’t explain who or what I am without comparing myself to others. No one can. If I say, “I am honest,” I am implying that there are people who are not. If I say, “I talk a lot,” compared to whom? How do I know what ‘a lot’ is without knowing what a little is? Even saying “I talk” wouldn’t make sense without describing the point of talking, which includes other people, or organisms. So, we do not even exist except in relation to our environment.

4. A rainbow requires 3 parts. Sunlight, moister in the air, and an observer. Without all three, there is no rainbow. Take away the observer, there is nothing. Same thing as like the tree falling in the forest. With no ear to hear, it makes no sound. Therefore not only do we not exist without the universe, it does not exist without us. We are not separate things. We ‘gowith’ each other.

5. To sum up, and use a term of Alan Watts’ “Each organism is the universe experiencing itself in endless variety.

6. What we do with this information once we have accepted it, and stopped believing in the idea of ‘ego, or being separate from what is outside of our skins, is to become capable of living in that present, to start enjoying life. We begin to see that our ‘enemies’ are really enemy/friends, because without them we don not exist. And, happily, he repeats over and over that life must be played as a game. Lived in the spirit of playing! Also, without this spirit, and without being able to enjoy the present, we have nothing to give. To anyone. Gifts given under our current system of seeing things in parts, and everyone separate and alone and struggling to survive, are more like punishments.
Part of the idea here is Stop Struggling. If life is really a game of hide and seek with the other aspects of oneself, why do we take it so damn seriously?
I’m feeling really good. Like I’m on the right track. I’ll just have to keep reminding myself of what I know and who I am. Cause I’ve been pretty well programmed to think a different way. And it is just so easy to slip back into old patterns.
There were some other things that I don’t want to forget that he (Watts) said. Actually, one of them was what de Chardin really said, “The only real atom is the universe.” Because nothing in the universe could be taken out and still have the universe be the universe. Also, he says the only way of beating the ego is to do an egoistic thing: become more aware of it. Self-knowledge. Also, self-knowledge leads to universe-knowledge, which is wonder. This can only happen when we are content to just be. Which we [M and I] learned from LSD. Correlative vision – one sees that all explicit opposites are implicit allies.
I love that man! I just finished “The Book.” I can’t remember ever identifying with a book so much before. I’m exhilarated and informed and maybe a tiny bit enlightened. I know I should take some time to absorb things, but I want More! I guess the real point is living what I believe, or know. And not forgetting. But I don’t think that can be done by an act of will. I think it just happens when you really know. So how can I know more? I don’t know. Maybe just letting it sit. Spend more time being. Reading more.
I feel like gradually, over the years and months the picture is getting clearer. Sharper. I mean, I remember writing in 1988 that “God is when there is nothing outside of it." So, I’ve known little parts for awhile. They keep coming clearer. IT does. But it takes time for new ideas and realizations to become fact in your head. There are so many older, ingrained “facts” that have to be uprooted and pushed out.
It is such a long process because, I suppose, “That which must be learned cannot be taught.” I hope it does keep going on and on. Another thing Watts said that I really like is, “There is nothing to be gained.” What a relief! On the surface, I think that statement would frighten many people, give them a feeling of hopelessness. But to me, what a relief. It means there is nothing to work for. That means there is no reason to work. And that enables me to live life in the spirit of playfulness. In theory, anyway. You know, this may sound odd but it holds a lot of meaning: I feel like reading Alice in Wonderland. That book gives me the same feeling of wonderfulness and even enlightenment. I think they both say the same type of thing, which is, “Everything you thought was, isn’t; and everything you thought wasn’t, is.” Or – everything you know is wrong. This is how you feel on acid, too.

As this jouranl entry indicates, I had been having a few insights here and there for awhile, but Watts helped me pull a lot of things together for the first time, and laid a foundation that I realize now I am still building on.
Becoming familiar with other religious traditions and alternative philosophies allowed me to view Christianity with more objectivity. Instead of being hostile to the entire religion in general, I gradually became more able to separate out doctrine from polity, and to appreciate the beauty of the faith, even while I still hated much of what passed for Christianity around me.

September 16, 1991
My alarm just went off. It somehow got set to a religious station. Oh brother! is all I have to say to that. Poor Christians. It must really suck to all those honest, Jesus following Christians to have these load-mouthed fundamentalists presenting such a false image of what Christianity is. People who didn’t have a background like mine think the TV Christianity is how it is. Many more people would probably be Christians if it weren’t for those idiot media preachers. Even though I don’t believe in Christianity any more, it still angers me to see people being misled. Not to mention cheated out of their money. It is so sad to see people clinging to a belief that is so obviously untrue. I mean, at least the teachings of Jesus are worth believing in. Worth dying for maybe, for those who really live them. But who am I to judge? Maybe a lot of these people are truly comforted by the TV version, and I suppose that would make it worth it to them to give their money. Still, no one should have to pay for comfort, or peace. I think it is wrong to tell people that it is possible to pay with money for something that can only be bought with the soul. Again, who am I to judge? We all have our own lessons to learn in our own way and at our own times.

September 18, 1991
My mom and I had an interesting talk last night. We talked about prayer. She said that she’s still praying that I’ll find Jesus. That in Jesus I will find my place in the Universe. I told her that I understood that is what she believes, and that I respect it. Sometimes I wish I could believe it just to make her and Dad happy. But that would be wrong. I’m thinking about how she was saying something about knowing God and Jesus, and I said it was almost the same thing as I believe, except the Jesus part. She said Jesus is the fundamental part. But I’m realizing again that the concepts of God and Goddess are not interchangeable. They are not “almost the same thing.” I should start working out the differences, so I can tell her when I need to.
God Goddess
Male Female
Outside Inside
“Good” “Good” and “Evil”/Balance
Trinity – father, son, spirit Trinity – crone, mother, maid
Linear – life, heaven or hell cyclical – life, death, life

She also said she prays that God will reveal the truth to me in whatever way “He” chooses. I said I did, too, and she said, “I know.” At least they give me credit for really trying to find the truth.
I just thought of an analogy for death. The way I believe it. It’s like a huge pot of coffee. You pour a cup, and that represents one life. Without drinking, you pour the contents of the cup back into the pot. That’s death. At some point, you pour another cup, and that’s another life. Maybe needs more explaining but I don’t have time. Oh, maybe Leggos would explain it better! Yes! But time for school.

December 4, 1991
I was thinking the other day that sometimes it seems as if I am waiting for Christianity to be proved true. Even though intellectually I am absolutely sure it isn’t true, the religion is so ingrained in me that I can’t quite get away from it. It still shocks me when I meet people who so completely disbelieve it that there is no room for considering it in them. I admire and even envy such people. Like Laura. Especially when I understand that it is fear that makes me cling to the shreds of my belief. I’m still afraid of being wrong. I still talk to Jesus occasionally, trying to explain why I don’t believe in him. Asking him to please understand and intercede for me if it turns out I was wrong, on the basis that I am looking for truth.
I guess it isn’t that silly when you know how thoroughly the religion penetrated into my head, and at what an early age. I mean, I was three years old when I knew enough about not wanting to go the hell that I asked Jesus into my heart. 3!!! It was a very spiritual experience, too. I knew exactly what I was doing.
Have I ever told you about the blackness that exists, like right behind me? It’s this vast, timeless void. I especially feel it when I’m on acid. I can actually see it sometimes. I am afraid of it. I don’t know if it is my contact with infinity, or what. I’ve always thought that everyone had that. That everyone, particularly everyone who has done LSD, could feel it there. But guess what? Everyone doesn’t. Nobody else does, except maybe M. I don’t remember talking to him about it, but I can almost see it behind his eyes. Anyway, I wonder if it was put there by Christianity. It could also have been from early traumatic experiences, I suppose. Especially something that made me feel guilty, and bad. Or perhaps it was a combo of both.
I remember that as far back as I can think of I was looking out of this black hole. Sometimes it is like only my eyes could peer out of it, the rest of my body was lost in it. Now that I know that not everyone has it I don’t want it either. Not that I wanted it before, I didn’t realize you could be without it.
It frightens other people when I talk about it, so it makes me wonder just what kind of fear I’ve been living with all my life. I don’t even know if the blackness would represent God or Satan. To me they both seem as uncaring as the other. It seems like neither one of them would mind putting a yawning black hole into a little girl’s head.

Beginning the trip through time . . .

I began typing up parts of my old journals after conversations with my mother about our differing views on theology, cosmology, and other important things. One of my sisters wanted to see them, and one of my nieces was interested, so I thought "why not share them with the whole world?" Everyone else seems to be doing it. So with little further ado, I present my deepest thoughts on existence, asking only that you rememeber that at least for these first few posts, you are reading thoughts that are nearly 20 years old. It does seem only fair to provide a little bit of context first . . .

Biographical Introduction
I was born the daughter of a Presbyterian minister, and my childhood was steeped in the best traditions of Christianity. My parents and their friends were about the best models one could hope for of faithful people, attempting to live Christ-like lives. Theirs was not a fire-and-brimstone, go out and convert people by the sword, kind of Christianity. Instead, I saw each of my parents demonstrate patience, kindness, gentleness, tolerance, and love for their fellow human beings on a day-to-day basis. This isn’t to say they were saints. But I was lucky to have intelligent, thoughtful people around me, who really tried to live their faith. And I had many opportunities to see that faith transform lives.
I had a faith experience when I was three years old. I distinctly remember being up early in the morning, before anyone else was awake, and asking Jesus to come into my heart. It was a True experience – one of those rare moments in life when we have a glimpse of eternity and feel we are in real communion with Absolute Reality. And being a Christian was important to me all through my childhood, as I tried to live and love the way my parents had taught me God meant us to love one another.
I read my Bible a lot (my earliest journal entries reveal an early teen who turned to the Bible in every instance – even out of boredom), and accepted it without question for a long time. But as I grew older, and experienced some normal and some not-so-normal-but-more-common-than-we-want-to-believe slings and arrows, I began to have questions about how much God really loved me. And although my parents had never preached the fire and brimstone stuff, I read the Bible for myself and saw plenty of it there. I was probably influenced by others, who seek to hurt people with their religion, as I somehow came to believe that I was personally responsible for all of Jesus’ suffering on the cross, and all the suffering of the world. I came to view myself as eternally unclean and beyond all hope of redemption (something, I should point out, which is absolutely against Christian doctrine and biblical teaching – but which is nevertheless preached from pulpits across the land).
For example, by the age of 13 I had memorized Psalm 51 and recited it to myself constantly; a sub voce subtext to all my thoughts, prayers, dreams, and actions. For those unfamiliar with that Psalm, it reads:

Have mercy upon me oh Lord, according to your loving-kindness. According to the multitude of your tender mercies, blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly of my iniquity and cleanse me of my sin. For I acknowledge my transgression, and my sin is ever before me. Against you, you only have I sinned and done this evil in your sight, so that you are found just when you speak, and blameless when you judge. Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity and in sin did my mother conceive me. Behold, you desire truth in the innermost parts, and in the hidden part you will make me to know wisdom. Purge me with hyssop and I shall be clean. Wash me and I shall be whiter than snow. Hide your face from my sins and cleanse me of all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence and do not take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with your generous spirit.

While this Psalm now reads to me as a joyful acknowledgement of redemption, for the teenaged me it was a way to remind myself of the deepest blackness of my heart. While I believed in God’s forgiveness, I did not believe it was for me. I clung to Psalm 51 desperately, hoping against hope that if I were contrite enough, maybe, maybe, there might be a way to convince God to cleanse me of the terrible, unforgivable things I believed I had done. Or rather, to cleanse me of who I was. I could not point my finger to specific acts which I thought were unforgivable, it was more a general sense that my entire being was evil and unworthy.
Here is an entry from my journal when I was 21.

December 12, 1990
My life has been a mess. When I see how I don’t trust people, how I push them away, how I feel so dirty inside. Like I will never be clean. Like there is some evil, smelly, festering black growth inside me that was born with me. It feels like it has always been there.
I remember my parents thought for awhile that maybe I was possessed by the devil. I loved that idea because it released me from blame. If I was possessed, then the devil could be exorcised and I would be okay. I hoped that a minister could perform a miracle and then things would be okay. I believed in God. I was afraid of Him though. Because I knew that no matter how much I prayed and read the Bible and went to church and tried to be a good Christian, I would never be clean. I would never be good enough for God. I hoped and hoped that if I tried hard enough God would help me. I wanted to be a martyr because I thought maybe if I was tortured enough God would like me. I always felt guilty. It seemed like I couldn’t stop sinning. I would have a bad thought about my sister, or I wouldn’t give someone my coat and shirt also. I sinned in my head. My mind would never be clean. Someone told me once that when we sinned we were increasing Jesus’ pain on the cross. So every time I had a bad thought, lied, etc., I pictured Jesus laying on his cross (it hadn’t been erected yet), and I had a big wooden mallet in my hand. I would bring it down hard on the stake through his wrist. The blood spurted everywhere and his face would turn white with pain. But he never screamed or cried out, because good people don’t tell anyone when it hurts. They are strong. His eyes would look at me with forgiveness. I hated myself for hurting him but I knew I would do it again. Sometimes I saw myself spitting on his face, my saliva mingling with the blood dripping from his crown. I loved Jesus. I knew that my sins hurt him more than anyone else’s. I knew I had to be punished but that he wouldn’t do it. He always forgave me. But His Father, big old God in heaven, he would get me. He was mad that I kept hurting his son. He would make sure I was punished.
What kind of a religion gives us the image of a person sacrificing his child fro the sins of the world? It is supposed to show that he loves us humans so much that He’ll give up his most important thing. But to me it shows a God that doesn’t care enough about his child to protect him.