I came out of 1993 knowing I needed to reconnect not only with family but with Spirit. I believed that all religions were legitimate paths to the Truth. I just needed to pick one. I felt most attuned to Hinduism, although Judaism and Islam also exerted strong attractions. But at the time, I decided that my early training in Christianity, and the fact that I live in a Christian-saturated culture, would make following Christianity the best path for me to follow. I therefore re-dedicated myself to the Christian faith, and did my best to practice it. I began to read the Bible again, and truly tried to struggle with the parts that I still felt were mistaken, to try to see what I was missing, what the original intent of the writer was, how God might still speak to me through things that didn’t make any sense. I spent a lot of time in prayer. Well, you can see how it went for yourself - that's what this is all about:
May 22, 1994 (25 years old)
It is a gloriously beautiful morning. A good day for reading Psalms. It seems that every time the worldly pressures of school and work and relationships, etc. are relieved for awhile, my mind turns naturally to spirit. It’s like that is the real work, the real project, and all the other things are just distractions.
I wonder constantly about Christianity. I know that God is beyond gender, and lately I’ve been wondering if it really matters whether I think of It as male or female. It couldn’t possibly care how I engender it, I don’t think. And my 17 or 18 years of conditioning have made it easier to relate to a male god, though it goes against my reasoning. Trying to call it Goddess in my heart feels strained and false. Am I to follow my intellect in matters of the spirit? Or my spirit? If thinking of God as the Father enables me to move closer to that Truth, what does it matter if in the process I have to give up my feminist ideas of Goddess? And if I am willing to call him Father, what stands between that, and my accepting his son?
June 4
So much is happening inside me. S [my boyfriend of one year] and I are camping at Trinity Lake. And I am becoming a Christian again. Where to begin? Maybe it doesn’t matter. Indeed, the only reason I want to write about it here is that I want to write Mom and Dad about this change, and I want to put my thoughts and feelings into some kind of order. I think I’ll just list points, and I can put them in a sensible order later.
1. I truly believe, and have for at least a year, that it doesn’t matter which path you walk, as long as you pick one, and really walk it. But for numerous reasons, I didn’t apply that to me and Christianity, and now I see that I can.
2. If I am going to walk a path, and I always knew I would, it began to occur to me that the religion I grew up with and am knowledgeable about and comfortable with, is perhaps the best one. I’ve tried to connect with Spirit, or the Ultimate Being on my own, and have found that I can’t do it.
3. I have struggled to be a “good” person, and have managed to make some improvements both in my behavior and my heart. But I have never been able to erase this basic sense of “badness,” of shame, that I think I really may as well call original sin. I’ve become aware that there is nothing I will ever be able to do to redeem myself. No matter how hard I try, or how “good” I become. I, myself, do not have the capability to save myself. And at the same time, I find that it is very important to me to be redeemed. Which leaves me in quite a quandary. I feel it necessary to be saved, but know I will never be able to save myself. So my only other option is the hope that God himself will redeem me.
4. I believe God to be beyond gender, but have only gotten in my own way – as I explained before, and am now very comfortable imagining a male type of God.
5. I’m not concerned with heaven at this point. All I’m really looking for is a way to be the kind of person I want to be, that I feel I ought to be, and that I know I can’t be all by myself.
6. I feel ready to surrender. I’ve proven to myself that my will lands me in some kind of trouble more often than not. I’m also willing to admit that I don’t know anything. The more I learn, the more I realize that. So I am not in a position to know what’s best, for me or anyone else. I feel ready to let some One or Thing tell me what to do. This can only happen because I really believe there is One who does know what’s best. Who does have a plan for me and who will guide me as soon as I ask.
7. I’ve struggled so long with the idea that you can only use logic up to a point, and then you must make this leap of faith. I’ve hated the idea of that leap. I think it is only because I understand better the alternative of that leap that the leap looks a whole lot more attractive to me now. I am tired of feeling disconnected, alone and meaningless.
8. Since I’ve begun to move closer to this point, the feeling of connectedness is too strong to deny. Whether it’s a psychological thing I’m doing to myself doesn’t matter to me anymore, because the feeling is real, however derived.
J. [a close friend from adolescence] and I were talking about all this, and she related a conversation she had with a customer once who was a Christian. He was explaining some of the basic points and they got to that leap. J. said, “I want all those things, but how do I do it?” The man answered, “Have faith.” That sent J. into a rage. “Have faith? That’s all you people ever say! I ask serious questions and that’s the only stupid answer you ever give!” Now, many years later, she had the brilliant idea that perhaps she should try it! And kablam! There it was. She discovered it was the only answer, and that it works. That when you try just a little tiny bit of faith, the faith itself seems to take over and produce even more of itself. I’m discovering that same thing.
Ditto with the concept “act as if.” Act as if you were the kind of person you wish you were, and lo and behold, that is who you become. This is an amazing concept to me . . . to anyone, I think, who realizes they are hopelessly evil with no hope of changing it. Ah, but I can act as if I am a good person. And maybe if I am lucky God will help me be that person someday. It does mean you have to do a lot of things you don’t want to. But what a small price to pay for the hope of redemption. I mean, after all, I was going to try to do right whether there was any payback at all. How wonderful that I can get paid back by getting help to be what I want to be.
July 24
I’ve been thinking about the tragedy in Rwanda/Zaire. I just can’t understand why God doesn’t do something. Drop manna and water from the sky, at least! Mom said something that helped a little. She said she had an idea that God’s answer might be that if we who have heard of Him were all doing what we should be, that wouldn’t be happening. Not to make us feel guilty, just a simple explanation of cause and effect. I had said something to Mom about manna being good advertising for God, and she agreed, saying He knew that. Then added that his Enemy would stop at nothing to give Him bad advertising. I said, “Why doesn’t God fight back?” She said she thinks he does, just not in ways we understand. I feel sure, too, that there must be some reason. I just don’t know understand what it is. I know I probably never will. What my job is, I guess, is finding out what God wants me to do, and doing it.
August 3
Thomas Merton says something about there being no neutrality between gratitude and ingratitude. That you either live your life gratefully or not. He remarks also on how much you miss if you choose not to live gratefully. Yesterday another opportunity came to be grateful. I had the chance to buy S. a Bible. He said he wanted one, so I stopped at two places and got him a Living Bible. I also got myself a planner, to guide my reading. I’m beginning on the correct date, which is in Jeremiah. I’m not exactly sure that’s where I need to be reading, but I trust that God has a plan, and also that there is something important to be learned in each passage of His book. So I will read it. I realize, of course, that doesn’t mean I can’t read other parts as well. I’d really like to re-read the gospels. I need to get to know Jesus again, through his life, and his words.
Things inside me are changing. As I read different things, I realize I’m reacting in a totally new way that I would have a month or two ago. Some of these reactions are hard to put into words. One is that I always yearned for a religion that was highly ritualized, one in which you could learn magic, and say intricate spells, that had to be done just right, etc. Now when I contrast that with the simplicity of Christianity I find the former lacking. It just isn’t as exciting as it once was. I don’t want my books on Goddess stuff anymore. They just don’t hold any interest for me. Same with a few of my CD’s. I think tomorrow I’ll actually get rid of them. For now I’m going to read the Bible, and will write about what I read.
Jeremiah 3:20. I’m not exactly sure what I was supposed to get from this. Perhaps it is to help me to come to terms with God’s anger. It is still difficult to understand, but easier than it was before. I think I’m also learning that God’s anger is different from human anger. There are also so many similarities between that time and this one, in terms of turning away from God and constructing our own. It is a good reminder that He will not always be so indulgent with me, and also that it is only when one does as God directs that one has nothing to fear.
I was trying to catch up with the guide, as well, so I read more that I really think I was able to digest. There was a mention of the potter and his clay, which I like. It reminded me that not only will God mold and design me to his will, but also that He can crumple me up and throw me away. He has promised, through his Son, that he will not do that, as long as I keep trying. But that is his gift to me, not my right.
There are so many things to think about.
August 5
Oh, I didn’t write about what I read yesterday in the Bible. One of the things that stood out to me was that in King Josiah’s time, he consulted a woman prophetess. That’s the first time I remember hearing of a woman prophet in the Old Testament, or should I say, a woman afforded any respect of that kind. Another point was that Josiah did his best to wipe out all of the paganism, destroy the idols and renew the covenant his fathers had made with God. Another example of how one person can make a difference.
I wonder what would happen if the Prime Minister of Israel did something like that now. Would the UN interfere? Or just the Americans, with our right of separation of church and state? Why we believe we can impose that on everyone else, I don’t know. If I had a leader whom I believed was really walking with God, and being led by God, like Prince Caspian or something, I’d rather live in a state that was the church. But it certainly would be horrible if they weren’t really close to God, or if they were walking with someone else’s God.
August 7
Lord, I’ve been reading and reading the history of Your Children, and I am sick of all the blood. It’s hard for me to understand how You can be the God of Peace, when all I am reading is war, and murder, and treachery. I realize that humans are treacherous and bloodthirsty, but did You not command them so? What am I supposed to be learning?
August 22
I’m reading Ezekiel and Numbers and I think my process is backwards. Instead of helping me understand and believe more, my reading is just making me question more. It’s so hard to reconcile the God of love with the Old Testament God of war and bloodshed and revenge. I was just thinking, maybe Islam is closer to what God wanted, with its holy wars and eye for an eye philosophy. Does the God I believe in exist? What are You like? Do you love me, or are You waiting to punish me? I think I need to read the New Testament. I’m getting lost in the Old. But it’s only for one more month, and I sense this struggle is good.
Another question, or problem I’m having is that so much of the Law and the guidelines seem culture-specific. I wonder if God still wants to be my God, of if He’s only for desert-dwelling, polygynous, bloodthirsty people. And if he does indeed wish to be my Lord, if he is my Lord, what does he want me to do? Did the rules regarding homosexuality go out with those of sacrifice and seclusion of menstruating women? What exactly is meant by fornication?
September 4
My Bible reading this morning was in Psalms. The recurrent theme was, “How long, O Lord, will Thou be angry?” That was good timing for me, because I can’t feel God close to me. I feel that’s related to all the emotions I’ve been having about my parents. I keep feeling displeasure, and I don’t know if it is from You, or from my internal parental programming. Every time I think about the way my parents treated me I’m immediately suspicious of my own motivations. Am I attempting to absolve myself from responsibility? I keep feeling, Lord, that You are putting those thoughts in my head, but I’m not sure. I can’t figure out if I have any right to be angry. But I was actually hurt. Can I go with that? Isn’t it all right for me to acknowledge that I was very wounded by their actions, without having the instantaneous thought afterwards that it was all my own fault? I know that we are all responsible for our own actions. I know that, and I really believe I am not trying to get out of anything.
After all, I’ve already opened myself, and I have given Mom, Dad and [my younger sister] many opportunities to express their anger at me, and their pain. But they’ve [parents] never given me that chance. I’ve never been allowed to say, “You hurt me,” without them responding that it was my own fault. And I can’t tell, God, if it is You agreeing with them that it is all my fault, or what. So I can’t feel You. I don’t know if you still love me or not.
Lord, my parents rejected me absolutely at one time. They told me they didn’t want me, and they showed it. Now I can’t believe I’m lovable. If my parents could just decide they didn’t want me anymore, then everyone can do that, including You. I’m so frightened that everyone will just stop loving me. Either for a bad thing I did, or just out of the blue. That’s why I can’t believe You really love me. People say You are the perfect Father, but my own father was a good man, and he still found it necessary to reject me. To abandon me. I can’t tell if he was right to do that, in which case, a more perfect father would be able to reject me more completely. Or did he make a mistake? Would a perfect father have more compassion? I just don’t know, and I feel so alone.
Why is it that when I think just of myself in relationship with You, I am sure You can and have forgiven me and that You love me. But when I think of my whole family in relation to You, I feel equally sure that You don’t like me at all? Maybe it is because I know You love them, and I know they walk with You, which means any time I disagree with them, I’m automatically separating myself from You. Or that’s what it feels like, anyway.
God, I made a decision to follow You, and I will not turn back. I have put my faith in You and I will continue to seek You, and I am trying to trust You on an emotional level as well. Until I can, I trust you intellectually. I’ve decided to trust You. But I’m scared and I can’t feel You. I believe You are there and I’ll keep trying to be someone worthy of Your love, though I am but dust.
But Father, will you reject me, too? Will you turn Your face from me? I will keep following You, even if You do, but Lord, I need You. Please don’t leave me. Please love me. How much more do I need You because my own earthly father doesn’t like me? Please let me be Your child even though I do bad things. Please don’t cast me out! Please hear my cry, o Lord.
September 30
I’m going to have to go in a few minutes, but wanted to mention that in my Bible reading this morning I began the gospels. I read the genealogies of Jesus in Matthew and Luke, and I was a little confused and surprised to find that they are different. They begin being different at an early point – Joseph’s father. Now, I’m confused because a) I thought Jews were matrilineal, and b) if Jesus was born through Mary and an Immaculate Conception, who cares what Joseph’s line was? He had nothing to do with it! And c) If they couldn’t get the nearest relationship right, why are they so confident about times even farther back?
Another interesting point is that neither my Bible nor the reading guide discuss or explain the discrepancy. Strange. Will have to look it up in my Oxford Guide to the Bible.
October 3
My Bible reading was in the gospels, concerning John the Baptist, the Temptation of Christ, and the beginning of his preaching. How amazing it must have been to be there, then. To have seen Him with one’s own eyes. It seems that you would have to believe. Yet I guess some didn’t. But it seems to me that those who didn’t believe were those who had something to lose; I.e. the priests who had power. Who had pride. And I guess it’s the same dynamic today. It is those who believe they are self-sufficient who cannot hear His message. It is those who have nothing who are glad of Jesus’ message. It was only when I realized that I am not enough, and that in fact I am in a very precarious position vis-à-vis the world that I found comfort in the word of God, that I was willing to even look.
So I guess things haven’t changed much, and who knows where I would have stood had I lived then. Though of course I would like to believe that I would have seen. That I would have accepted the Christ as the Savior. In reality, it probably depended a lot on one’s economic and political status. Much as it does today.
Another thing to think about is the form of the temptation Jesus was subjected to. He was tempted to make food for Himself when he was very hungry. That is important to me because it means He does know how it feels to be humanly hungry, a state of which we say, “I’d do anything for food.” Yet He didn’t do as he was tempted, which means hunger is not an excuse for doing wrong. Neither is the will to power, much as Neichtze would argue it to be. So He does understand those urges, and he can still say, “Don’t do it.” He, though, was perfect. I’m sure He knows we aren’t, and will forgive us. But still, I cannot use excuses. Let me never call wrong right. It’s still wrong, not matter what ways we try to justify it.
Lord, I admit willingly that I do wrong, even when I know it is wrong. Actually, I think I’m pretty aware of the wrongness of my actions almost all the time. Still I do these things, and in my human, petty ways, I try to justify myself to You. But deep down, I know I am a sinner, and that I’ve disappointed You again and again. Please help me not to try and fool myself anymore.
October 6
Another week almost over. My Bible reading today was in Matthew, and included the Sermon on the Mount. The beginning is comforting, the rest is demanding. The commandments are things I’ve know since I was a child, yet reading them again, now, I realize that I am a sinner through and through. I am selfish and hateful. I have and still do hold some grudges. I have not succeeded in loving my enemies. I am selfish – I see the poverty and misery all around me and do nothing to alleviate it. I have so many excuses for why not. But in the end, will I not also be like Schindler, saying, “I could have saved more?” I know this will be all of our fates. And I am so lazy that I don’t even really want to do better. I want to be able to recognize my own evil and have that be good enough. I am indeed a miserable creature next to those who please You. How can I change myself? Maybe I can’t. I invite You, Father of Heaven, to change me. But let me not forget that I must do the work. I need to do more than pray and read the Bible. I know this. I’m frightened to change. I have not learned to trust. I want to learn. I want to be a Light. I want to shine with Your Light. You have said that we are blessed if we are persecuted in Your name. I have prided myself that I would be able to withstand torture. But I am not even able to risk being rejected by a few anthropologists. I am so weak. And my pride, besides being evil, is empty.
I keep trying to want to do better. I know I am not trying hard enough. It’s like starting a new habit. It’s difficult, and I feel myself failing. It involves thinking in a new way. Making new pathways for my neurotransmitters. But I know it isn’t impossible.
When You walked this earth and You helped people, You told them that their sins were forgiven. Does that mean that it is our own individual sin that makes us diseased and broken? It would be just, in my case. But what about little children, babies? What could they have done? And if it is our own sin, then why are we not healed when we believe in You, and ask that our sins be forgiven? It seems it must be more complex than that. We must suffer because of Original Sin, because we are separated from You, just by the nature of being human.
So when You healed them, You were pardoning them for being human. But didn’t You make them (us) human in the first place? How can You make an imperfect thing, and then require perfection from it? I don’t think I’m really questioning You. I know it’s just that I don’t understand. And I probably never will.
The Problem of Evil indeed. Greater minds than mine have been stumped by this one. After watching Schindler’s List last night, it is impossible not to ask why. Why did these terrible things happen? Why are they still? Why do You let it go on? I know You gave us free will. We have choices. We can choose to be so terrible. How can there be enough hate to make the Holocaust happen? I see that those of who do not act to stop such things are just as guilty. Indifference has always seemed worse to me than hate. Is our greatest sin that we do not trust You? Do you see that it is difficult because we know that You will allow us to suffer greatly? Not to make an excuse, but it is hard. We are to trust in a world beyond this one. But all we can see is this one, and we in the West have chosen to believe only what we see. Though I do believe You are there, it is a fight against all my conditioning to act for You, for the Beyond, instead of for this world that I can see. I want to, though. Please accept my puny attempts to try. Please acknowledge my good intentions and help me make them real.
October 11
My Bible reading was pretty heavy today. Matthew 6 and 7, Luke 7 and part of 8. Jesus tells us that we cannot serve two masters; money and God. Also tells us that we are not to worry about tomorrow; not about food or clothing or trouble. That’s really hard.
[My little sister] and I were talking about this the other day, and she said she wasn’t sure about all that, because look at all the people who are starving. She cited Rwanda as an example. So I was thinking about that, and about what Mom said; namely that if we were all doing as we are supposed to, she thought that wouldn’t be happening. So my thought is, that she’s right. If, as a nation, we were concerned with God’s will, instead of a profit, we would handle all our foreign affairs differently, and we would know what to do, we would have had a lot of practice at feeding the hungry, perhaps we’d even be able to stop wars with love. Mom is right. Another thing is that crises like the one in Rwanda give us an opportunity to do the right thing. A great chance to do great good. And we never take it. We Americans have the means to change people’s lives across the globe. And we never do it.
The third part of all this is that we are to trust God. Not trust Him to keep us from all harm, but trust Him, that when we walk in His path all that befalls us is His will. Father, I thank you for my life today. Thank you for the opportunity to learn in school and from books. Thank you for all the opportunities I will have to be kind to someone today. Thank you for yet another chance to learn to do Your will. Please be with me today, and guide my steps.
October 20
Lord, I am confused about Your word. It seems to say two different things. One, that You are very demanding, and that anyone who is weak and makes mistakes isn’t worthy to follow You. And two, that You seek to save even the worst of us, and that You are gentle and patient. It leaves me wondering, because I know that by one measurement, I am in no way worthy to kiss Your feet, let alone follow You. But by the other I have hope that You will forgive me. Is there a message here that is supposed to be clear, that I am just making complicated and obscure? Or is this a truly ambiguous message that we are meant to ponder over? For now, all I can do is admit my unworthiness, and pray that You will forgive me anyway, and let me be Your servant. I am, at least, willing to be willing. I need so much of Your help. People here on earth say I am a good person, but Lord, I know that You see my heart, and that it is full of pride, stubbornness, anger, and sometimes deceit, as well as selfishness. I know that you are not fooled by my mask, and I am grateful. It is freeing to be seen, to be witnessed as I really am. And it makes it possible for me to ask You honestly and humbly for Your help. I want to overcome these things. I don’t want to keep hardening my heart against You, as I know I so often do. How can I open myself more to Your will? Prayer. Thank You for that answer.
Okay. Then I ask your help in putting aside time for prayer – for listening, instead of the non-stop talking I do. Yes. This feels like the answer.
October 22
My spiritual question of the day is wondering about all the people, just in America, who have led incredible lives, and were really good people, but who weren’t or aren’t Christians. Will they be in heaven?
We watched Unsolved Mysteries last night, and there was a story about a man who’d had a near-death experience. Because of it his whole life had changed. Before, he was a mean bully, and when he “died” he say and felt what each of his cruel acts had done to people through the years. He was also shown 16-18 future events, like the end of the Cold War and the Gulf War. He came back with psychic powers, supposedly, but more importantly, he became an altruistic person, dedicating his life to helping others. He didn’t state whether or not he was a Christian, but I felt he wasn’t. So what about him? Where will he go when he dies? I am confused because in one part of the Bible Jesus says, “He who is not against me is for me,” and in another, “He who is not for me is against me,” and these two messages are not the same. Will that man be seen as for Jesus, since he wasn’t against Him? Or will he be judged as being against Jesus, since he wasn’t specifically for Him?
And what about all the other good people, like G and S? Lord, you said that no one can come to the Father except by You. Does that mean all these others will be locked out? You also said that, “He who seeks shall find.” But it seems to me that there are a lot of people in this country who are seeking desperately, but who aren’t finding anyone or anything. Only You can know whether they are really seeking or not, but they seem to be.
And it is said somewhere else in the Bible that some people will listen but not be able to hear, because You have closed their ears and hearts. That doesn’t seem fair. I know I’m just a human with limited understanding and ways of knowing, but it doesn’t seem fair to me to make people blind and then punish them for not seeing. I’m sorry, but I just don’t understand. I feel sad for all those people who are knocking, and I don’t see why I’ve been allowed to hear, at least a little bit. It seems I could just as easily been one of those who never saw Your light – and if that had been so, would it have been my fault? Or Yours, for blocking my ears? Is there any difference made in Your judgment between the two?
I do believe You are fair, and that Your judgments are just. I’m sure I cannot see this issue clearly because I am too small. But still, Lord, I want to ask You for compassion on those people, and on myself, for not understanding. I realize that for myself, I only do not find what I’m not seeking hard enough. I will keep trying. I desire so much to be with You, to have Your presence every day in my life, and to do Your will. Please help me, to see Your will and do it. Please do not keep my eyes from seeing nor my ears from hearing.
Another thing I need to speak to You about, Lord, is my molestation . . . But God, I don’t want to put my responsibility onto someone else. At what age am I responsible for the things that happened? I do not seek punishment for those who have hurt me. And I don’t want to accuse anyone of abusing me when it is really my fault that it happened. I also don’t want to use it to get more attention or sympathy than I deserve. But I also want it to be understood that I was hurt. Is that wrong, Lord? I need Your guidance, because I’m not really sure a) what all happened, b) who is at fault, c) if I’m entitled to any understanding or sympathy, and d) when I am using it to manipulate people into treating me in certain ways, or excusing me.
For example, yesterday I really wanted to be excused for being distant, selfish and nasty, on the basis of the fact that I was abused. Now, I know it is wrong to use it like that. But I think there may be some truth to the fact that my behavior today is influenced by what happened in the past. And again, age seems to figure into it. For instance, am I guilty for being sexually precocious as a teenager if it was due to abuse as a child? I mean, is there some age at which we aren’t held completely responsible for our actions?
I guess in some ways it doesn’t mater, because I know that You can and have forgiven me for my past. But it does matter, because if today it is wrong for me to blame someone else, then each time I do it I’m sinning. I feel like I need to know exactly who is responsible for what. I just don’t know if You agree with modern psychology that it is never the child’s fault. Psychology lets a lot of people off the hook when You would hold them to a higher standard. Or so I think, anyway. So where do I stand? Please be with me and guide me as I struggle with this. And please have mercy on me and comfort be because regardless of whether or not it was all my fault, I’ve been hurt and damaged by it.
October 24
[after several pages of questioning my own motives]
Lord, I want to be a good servant to You. But you see how bad I am? How involved in self I am? How can I ever be worthy even to call myself Yours? Protect me from pride, for I can even manage to be proud of how awful I am. How irredeemable. How sick. I feel like a hopeless case. And all I can say for myself is that I will keep trying to do better. I think sometimes that I am too smart. Too rational. My brain is so loud that it will not let my heart believe or hope or have faith. Father, I throw myself on your mercy.
Just to show you how convoluted it all is – I have to ask myself whether the writing about this is just another way to give myself strokes for being so honest with myself, or manipulating people way in the future who might read this to think I was too hard on myself. It never ends!
October 26
It occurred to me that I am at the stage with my guilt where I was when I left Christianity at age 18. It hasn’t developed through the years. Instead I’ve picked it up right where I left off. And I think it was a large part of the reason I quit being a Christian – because this issue of guilt seemed unresolvable. I am determined to resolve it somehow this time, so that I can move on and grow up spiritually. I will not let it drive me again away from God. But I see that I am going to need help.
My reading in the Bible today will have to be read again because it just confused me.
October 30
My Bible reading is just confusing me. Jesus seems to vacillate between being really harsh and really gentle. Lord, please help me to understand Your words. I feel that my capacity to truly take in Your lessons has been shut down. I don’t know if by You or by me.
November 21
Monday morning. I slept in late, then read my bible and read a little of C.S. Lewis to S. I read the rest of Galatians this morning, and I get really confused and irritated reading Paul’s letters. Lord, I know You must have chosen him and preserved his words, and I know I have no right to judge him. But I don’t understand how he can claim to be so like You. He isn’t humble in his writings at all. Maybe he didn’t need to be. But it is a stumbling block to me. Please help me get over it. Help me to understand what he is saying. I feel this is going to be a long struggle for me. Please help me to stick with it. Help me to hear what You are saying through him. Thank you. And thank you for Lewis, who helps me understand, and inspires me to do better. I am so weak.
November 22
Read James this morning. Oh Father. I sin in nearly everything I do, and sin also in the things I do not do. How will I ever live up to all you ask of me? I believe in You, yet how much has my life really changed? I read the Bible every morning, and I pray more often, but my works, my doing, really hasn’t changed. It seems I am unwilling, truly, to give myself to You. I don’t know what to do to change it. I am so lazy. I guess that’s the bottom line. I can’t even feel generous about the amount of time I’ve spent making gifts for people, because I’ve only done what I’ve wanted to do, and have used it as a way to avoid doing what I should be doing. I have a hard time motivating myself to do what I am supposed to do, let all the additional things I could be doing in the community.
December 1
I have been reading my Bible every morning, but I feel as if there is a veil over my mind, and I am just not able to understand or take in what I’m reading. My irritation with Paul – his writing style, his egoism – gets in the way. Its disappointing, because I really thought that once I got into the New Testament all, or at least much, would become clear. I guess it isn’t going to be that easy, eh?
Well, Father, I hope You will grant me enough time on this earth to struggle successfully with Your word. I mean, of course, not that I will conquer it, but that it will conquer me. More things need to change inside me. I know. But it feels like so much has to be done right now that I don’t have time to be introspective. I’ll keep reading and praying and asking You to work in me. I’m sorry, but it feels like all I have to give you right now are my preoccupations.
It is really difficult for me to present these excerpts without additional commentary. I see things so differently now, and even as I post these, I gain new insights into what might have been going on with me. But I'm going to save that for another day and let this be what it is for right now.
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