I've just realized that we are rapidly approaching the end of what I had already typed up. So it will take quite a bit more effor to get these old bits out to you, and I imagine I'll be a lot more selective : ) Only the truly interesting bits will get in. But for now, here is the end of January 2007 and a little more processing of the Tao te Ching.
January 26
Five more days till payday, which is also meaningless, since it is all gone, always. Things are what they are. They would be easier to accept if Jim had something [workwise]. . . I am not blaming Jim for my lack of spiritual progress, toward accepting things as they are. At least, I hope I’m not. I am suggesting that I’m having more difficulty in this context, the context of someone close to me in pain. Am I really supposed to tell him his problems are what they are so leave it alone? Or am I supposed to feel that inside me? Maybe it is that my focus should be tighter in; no matter that my husband is unhappy, as that is one of the conditions of life I need to accept. Ugh. Can Lao-tzu really mean we shouldn’t care if people are in pain? Shouldn’t want to relieve that suffering?
6
The Tao is called the Great Mother;
Empty yet inexhaustible
It gives birth to multiple worlds.
It is always present within you.
You can use it any way you want.
Wow. When I opened the book and began reading those words, I felt an immediate calm. Why not allow myself to be comforted by a Great Mother? At times the Tao seems indifferent; like God, how can anything that vast have personal feelings for me? But I’ve already concluded that is possible, believable to me, I mean. So, if it helps, I ought to let myself think of the Tao as She-who-gave-birth-to-me. Of course she must be there for me to lean on, to bathe in, and be comforted by. One’s mother is always present inside one.
And lastly, a reminder that this isn’t about rules. It is not a matter of performing prescribed actins and avoiding those off limits. The Tao is a great river that runs inside of me – it can fill me up, and I can have it be a crashing flood that destroys all in its path (which could be good sometimes) or a gently meandering stream. The choice is mine. And here’s the amazing part: It really doesn’t matter which I choose, because in the end, the Great Mother, the River, will turn things into what she desires – or no. Will make all things good as they turn into herself.
The Tao is – and we are all part of it, along with the whole universe, and all of it is one great design. If there were no bad guys, there’d be no heroes, so in that way, it doesn’t matter. To switch metaphors, all strands will have their place in the great Tapestry. So I find that freeing. If I make mistakes, it will be okay. I am so used to being afraid. Afraid of doing the wrong thing, not doing the right one, of being judged. So I feel better, I feel lighter, and freer, and more powerful, just thinking it is okay to make mistakes. That even my mistakes will eventually add to the beauty of the whole. That is a far different think even than the Christian notion of forgiveness.
Forgiveness means you made an ugly spot and God is erasing it. Taoism is saying there is no such thing as ugly. Nothing will be erased, as every action makes part of the beauty of what is.
I want to try to hold on to this feeling of wholeness, of being full of a river – a powerful river that can rage or meander, as I choose. Of a Great Mother, who gave birth to me and let me flow, who is the Source and to whom I will return. The pain that was spiking earlier has calmed back down. Probably what I should do, before I go to the shower, is meditate on this image for 10-15 minutes. See if I can. Combine it with the “Inner smile” the doc gave me.
January 28
7
The Tao is infinite, eternal.
Why is it eternal?
It was never born;
Thus it can never die.
Why is it infinite?
It has no desire for itself;
Thus it is present in all things.
Is he saying the same thing as the Buddha? That individual desire, self-centered desire, the desire to think of oneself as separate and individual, is the source not only of unhappiness and suffering, but also death? I guess, in a purely logical way, that is true. If I think of myself as individual, I will surely die. If I think of myself as part of all things, I will never die.
“It has no desire for itself; thus it is present in all things.” This seems remarkably like what Buddha said. The goal is to recognize, deep – that we are all the same thing. If I am you, how can I feel sad when you win the lottery? The rest of the “chapter” supports this interpretation:
The Master stays behind;
That is why she is ahead.
She is detached from all things,
That is why she is one with them.
Because she has let go of herself,
She is perfectly fulfilled.
These are the same, seemingly paradoxical statements the Buddha made. And I get it, at one level. It makes intellectual sense to me. But how do I come to feel it? To really get that my students and I, for example, even the problematic ones – are the same. Are One? That what Jim needs is what I need, etc. Sometimes it feels easy, but it can be close to impossible, too, when students are sneering, or whatever.
Jim and I just had a long discussion about the meditation Dr. Kasper gave me, and how it won’t work for every day [because it was too long and involved - about 4 hours]. In the middle, Jim came up with a good suggestion about how I could do a chakra meditation focused on getting energy moving smoothly and freely up and down my spine [where I am most damaged] . . . I am a rank novice when it comes to meditation. I’ve never been good at it, and I’ve never devoted the time to getting better at it.
January 29
8
The supreme good is like water,
Which nourishes all things without trying to.
It is content with the low places people disdain.
Thus it is like the Tao.
In dwelling, live close to the ground.
In thinking, keep to the simple.
In conflict, be fair and generous.
In governing, don’t try to control.
In work, do what you enjoy.
In family life, be completely present.
Let’s stop there. So much good advice, I need to process and think about how to apply it to my life. First, that the supreme good is like water makes more sense to me than a person-like god who is trying to do good things. Good is like water in that it isn’t trying to do anything. It is “indifferent” in that way. It just is, and things are nourished by its presence. Like my analogy of the sun – flowers grown and turn their faces toward the sun, whether the sun cares about them individually or not. And good is like water in the sense I was feeling last week, as the Great Mother river flowed through me and at the same time carried me with it.
The next line reminds us that it is not something way out above us, but it is content in the low places others disdain. As I was writing yesterday, it needs to be okay with me to be behind.
The next section – simple, clear directions. Stay grounded. Keep your feet on the earth. Literally and figuratively. I do try to keep my theory grounded in my work, and I also try to keep it simple for students. Not in a dumbing-down way, which I don’t think Lao-tzu means, but in a way that shows theory isn’t pie-in-the-sky stuff for geniuses only, but we can all get it.
But how about in my personal life? Maybe I need to work less hard on coming up with theories to explain my own or Jim’s or even M’s [a student] behavior. In taking care of Jim, it would be more helpful if I kept it simple. Provide a backrub, in other words, instead of a dissertation on how much [school that didn't hire him] sucks, or theorizing with him about why he wasn’t hired.
The next two seem straightforward. And I can learn to be more generous to Jim in conflict. I’m learning how to govern my students without trying to control them. And with them, the key seems to be engagement. So with others, the same basic idea should apply: When governing, find out what is of interest to the governed and enlist their aid in understanding and dealing with it. It should work.
I am fortunate to do work I enjoy. That last one, though, I really need to work on. Be fully present in my family life. I only seem to be able to manage that for short bits of time. I come home really tired, and can be present for an hour or so, as we talk about our days. But then I often at least half-way disappear into the computer. And I think that has to be a little bit okay. At least, I’m pretty sure Lao-tzu isn’t suggesting we have to have heart-to-heart talks 24-7 with our families.
What I need to do is work harder, well, that’s a bad expression. I need to open myself further, be more flexible and attentive and appreciative in the times I am talking to Jim or any other member of my family. As I was saying yesterday, I need to listen more deeply to him. Just absorb what he is saying and be fully present. That means don’t be thinking about work, or how I’d like to be working or doing something else. And don’t be thinking about how to fix any one's problems. Just listen, and be there. And this shouldn’t be work. I need to get away from the Protestant way of thinking about things. It should be more like a blooming, a flower opening its petals to receive light. Is that work? No. So, okay, open my petals, be more fully present. It ends:
When you are content to be simply yourself
And don’t compare or compete
Everybody will respect you.
Common sense. I am content to be myself with Jim, but my best self? Am I that self I was as a child, utterly open, taking all people I met into my heart, loving them – seeing their warts not even as warts. It was all good to me. How can I be that self with Jim, and with everyone? I think the answer may be what Lao-tzu is saying – “content to be simply yourself.” Be yourself, but don’t think about yourself. You are there, but your vision is so full of others that you don’t appear, even on the periphery of your vision. It was only with puberty that I began to be self-conscious, and that so easily turns into self-centeredness. That is the process I need to reverse.
January 30
9
Fill your bowl to the brim
And it will spill.
Keep sharpening your knife
And it will blunt
Chase after money and security
And your heart will never unclench.
Care about people’s approval
And you will be their prisoner.
Do your work, then step back.
The only path to serenity.
Maybe related to my thought yesterday that I need to not think of things as work so much. I don’t believe I am or have been chasing after money, though I might be more guilty of seeking security.
Caring about others’ approval has always been a problem for me. I can’t stand it when people don’t like me. And its hard to completely let go of that, because it does matter. I have to get good student evaluations. My colleagues have to approve of me to give me tenure.
But I guess there is a difference. Focus on the work, on doing it well, and then step back and see what happens. That is different from, for example, handing out easy As or going around copying or flattering my colleagues. So I think I’m okay with this stuff.
I could stand to care less what students think – not take it so hard when they don’t like me. But I am not ruled by that. I do what I believe is right, in the classroom and out. I still hope for approval, but it is not going to change how I teach or conduct myself.
January 31
Long one today.
10
Can you coax your mind from its wandering
And keep it to the original oneness?
That’s easy to answer – No! My mind is very undisciplined. I’ve been having a hard time keeping it on the sentence I’m writing. I could use a lot of practice and must find or make the time to do this.
Can you let your body become
Supple as a newborn child?
Can you cleanse your inner vision
Until you see nothing but light?
No, no, and no. my body is more tense than ever as it fights the pain. It is hard to even make my neck let my head rest on the pillow at night. These two are also things I do not do well and should be, would like to be, working on.
Can you love people and lead them
Without imposing your will?
I used to think so, but I’ve grown in my understanding of my own desire, my own will for people. I am better with everyone but Jim. I love him, but I still want to impose my will on him. I want him not to be so cynical. I want him to be happy and fulfilled. I want him to be filled with energy and excitement and a new wind about something in the future that he has planned for himself. How can I let that go? And just love him as he is today with no desire to change him?
Can you deal with the most vital matters
By letting events take their course?
Ugh. These are really tough questions! No, I can’t! I worry things to death. I’m better than I used to be, but I always have to fight the urge to micro-manage. I so wish I could take control of Jim’s situation and make a job for him. I’m better at the little stuff, which I guess is a good place to start. And I’m trying to let go, to let things happen as they will. And you know, I handled the drug thing yesterday better than I would have 6 months ago. I was in terrible pain, but I did some deep breathing and reminded myself I wasn’t going to die no matter how much it felt like I would. And I reminded myself it was out of my hands, beyond my control and I’d just have to wait. So, its progress. I’ll just keep trying to let go and allow events to take their course.
Can you step back from your own mind
And thus understand all things?
Obviously, no. I’m so far from achieving this I can’t even know what it means. For me, I guess it means I’ve got to spend more time in meditation so I can get a glimmer of what this might be like.
Giving birth and nourishing
Having without possessing
Acting without expectations
Leading and not trying to control
This is the supreme virtue.
Okay. Will just try to take that all in.
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