1995 was a really big year for me. I had been accepted into one (not all) of the graduate programs I most wanted to go to, attendance at which entailed a move across the country, leaving behind my boyfriend, the community of friends and loving support I had built in my college town, the natural beauty there, and taking on challenges I could only dimly perceive. I am grateful that I had my parents and sisters to support me, and a faith to sustain me, because it was quite difficult at times. Like many others that I have come to know, I constantly felt like a fraud, doubted my own intellectual abilities, and felt overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work. Of course, when the year began, I had no idea what was in store . . .
February 21, 1995
Good morning. With Amy [a college friend who had moved away and returned for a week-long visit] here I didn’t have much chance to write. And I processed so much with her that I don’t have much to say. I have some deep things to work out, but for whatever reason I haven’t felt like writing things out for the past six months. I suppose I’m keeping a journal out of habit. In brief – my faith is being tested. Between the reading for Magic and Witchcraft, and for psychological anthro, I’m having to question what I think, or believe, about all other religions. If I see them as psychological projections, why should my own religion be immune? On the other hand, who am I to say that all these people are having delusions, but I myself am not? How can I know they aren’t actually communicating with deities? But if that’s true, what about my God’s claim that He is the only one?I need you, God, to walk with me through this doubt. To help me see the Truth, and figure out a way rationally to deal with other people’s ideas of You. I’m scared. I don’t want to lose you. I know this can be a way to a more mature spirituality, a more mature belief and understanding of You, and that is what I want. But You gave me a logical mind, and I have to make sense of all of this. I cannot close my eyes to the questions. And I have faith that You will be able to bear all my doubts and questions, and will still be there at the end. But it seems a frightening journey and I need You by my side through it.
How to be open-minded but not let my brains fall out. That is the question. And also how to let my heart have its say. I really need the fellowship of other intellectual Christians. Only I can find them – seek them out. I know that. And I know that my failure to do so is wrong. But I am doing well at getting to school, and getting to church is next on my list. I know I will have to do it. I will. It is indeed humbling to realize how much I need You. How much better my life is now that You are in it. Thank You.
March 21
I hereby make a commitment that I will go to church this Sunday, whether I want to or not. I know that You want me to do that, and I’ve been resisting for more than six months. Mom says that when I have nothing left but You, I’ll realize You are enough. I guess I need that lesson, because I have not been leaning on You of late. I know it. I’m struggling with doubt. Sometimes I’m not sure You are really there. But I made a decision to believe, to have faith, and that hasn’t wavered. I’m just not always sure how to practice that. Go to church. That’s what I hear You saying. And I will obey.
I did try a few different churches in my college town, and I was very uncomfortable in each of them for different reasons. I never went to any of them twice. I was able to tell myself there wasn't much point in putting energy into a search, since I would be leaving soon to attend graduate school anyway.
July 28 [in Graduate School City]
Oh Father in Heaven – Just read my journal from last year at this time, and I was so close to you. How much I could grow if I would just try harder to be near You. I’m going to start reading more Christian stuff. And I am going to church on Sunday. Think I will call right now to find out the time of the service. Then that tired excuse will not be available to me. Okay. That’s done. The service is at 10, and I even got directions. I will go. Actually, I wish there was a service right now! I’ve had it with myself, God. That always seems to be what it takes to make me turn to You. But I guess as long as it does make me come to You, I shouldn’t knock it. I have so much growing up to do! I’m such a child! Such a stubborn, proud, willful child. Please help me become a trusting, innocent, kind sort of child. Well, I’m pretty kind to people when they cross my path. But that isn’t good enough, is it? I don’t seek folks out in order to be kind to them, and there are certainly a lot of people out there who need that. I don’t even keep up with the kind things my friends do for me. I am trying not to slip into a well of self-hatred. I just have a lot to learn. I’m going to read a bit of David Yount’s book, Growing in Faith.
I’m reading the chapter “The Good Life.” What he seems to be concerned with pointing out is that the point of Christianity is neither to govern our lives with rules, or even make us practice basic good behavior. Yount describes how laws (both formal and informal – governmental, social and familial) as well as basic morality existed before Christianity and haven’t changed much since. So obviously it wasn’t Christ’s objective to give us those things, but rather something else – something beyond that. To offer us, but also to require from us, something beyond laws, rules, even morals. I guess he is spending so much time on this issue to disabuse people of the notion that Christianity is excessively preoccupied with rules and regulations, should’s and shouldn’ts.
Well, I’ve just read another chapter, and I must say I’m not getting a lot out of this book. It is very basic. He just glosses over very important subjects. I guess it is a good intro text, and he does make some good points, but I think I need something more solid. I guess I’ve grown a little, huh? I’m no longer on the bottle and it appears I’ve passed baby food. Now onto more solid food, even though I may still need my bites chewed a bit by others first before I can digest them. But I’ll read a little more of it. Mom keeps reminding me that one can be spiritually nurtured without realizing it.
One of the comments, or reviews on the back of the book explains some of my feeling: “An ideal selection for the hurried reader who has limited time.” One thing I like very much, though. He paints a clear picture of a God who loves us beyond all imagination. Oh man, he has included some prayers to teach us to pray, from all over the world and time. One of them, for some unknown reason, made me both laugh and cry. It is a Breton Fisherman’s Prayer – “Dear God, be good to me; The sea is so wide, and my boat so small.” I guess it really spoke to my heart. I must be feeling more alone and adrift than I thought.
The other is a lesson in just how much I have to learn about love. God can truly manifest in human hearts! To an extent that can hardly be believed. This is a prayer that was written by an unknown prisoner at Ravensbrek concentration camp. It was found by the body of a dead little girl:
Oh Lord, remember not only the men and women of good will, but also those of ill will. But do not remember all the suffering they have inflicted on us; remember the fruits we have bought, thanks to this suffering – our comradeship, our loyalty, our humility, our courage, our generosity, the greatness of heart which has grown out of all this. And when they come to judgment let all the fruits which we have borne be their forgiveness.
That kind of love is unfathomable to me. Is this what love is? Wow. It gives me a glimpse of what it means to say that You are love. To quote another prayer, “I am serene because I know Thou lovest me.”
July 29
I’ve almost finished Brave New World, and I did finish Reluctant Christian ieri. At the back of that book he gives an overview of the different denominations. That was very helpful to me in determining which churches I would like to try. He also firmly admonishes those who wish to follow Christ that we must find a church. He stresses that Jesus did not leave a book behind – He didn’t write out the way to be a Christian. Instead He founded the church. S obviously he meant for that to be the chief source of ministry. And if one stops to think, the New Testament grew out of the early church, not vice versa. So I accept that it is very important and that I must be diligent in my search. Even more so than I am in seeking employment. Being in right relationship with God must always come first. Though of course, I can do them simultaneously, so it is not an excuse not to look for work.
After a couple of tries, I found a wonderful church near my campus. Presbyterian, the same demonination of my father, so it was familiar and comfortable. A little bigger than I really prefer, at maybe 700-1000 members, but they tried hard to do things in small groups that appealed to and involved everyone. The church as a whole was comitted to service in the community. The pastor, who I'll call "D," was dynamic and intellectual. His sermons were exactly what I needed and desired; a perfect fit. I remember that he was influenced greatly by Bonhoeffer and that vision of Christianity as a call to action in the pursuit of social justice, as opposed to the self-involved "I love him and He loves me, I'm going to Heaven n-yah nyah nyah" that so many other churches are serving up kept me coming back. I began keeping a separate journal just for processing the sermons, which I am not going to reproduce here. I began attending the church that first Sunday after this July journal entry, and I did not miss a Sunday until late November, I believe. I even felt moved to join the church, and was baptized. Had "D" remained at the church, I don't know what would have happened. Maybe he would have been able to help me sort things out in a different way. But he left, and took a church in Texas in January.
August 27
At school they refer to us as “junior professionals.” I don’t feel like any type of professional. I feel like an imposter. I need to go to church, and I really don’t feel like it, which means I need to go even more than usual. Things would probably sort themselves out if I could just remember on a soul level that my primary purpose is to see and follow God. To merge my will with His. So I pray that You will help me refocus on You, that I might have peace no matter what happens.
I realized that one of the things that was making me so uneasy is that in my fear, I have been reverting to my old defensive, cynical personality. I don’t like it. It isn’t who I want to be anymore. I want to be gentle, thoughtful, silent unless I have something meaningful to say, kind, peaceful, and filled with a subtle joy. That’s why I think putting myself in right relationship with God will straighten out much of my self-doubt, and self-dislike. It is hard to break out of bad habits, particularly when they stem from fear and have been used in the past for protection. Once again I lay my pitiful self at Thy feet. I beg forgiveness for not trusting You, and for not acting as You would wish. Please forgive me and help me to truly change into the person You would have me to be.
5:30 Church was good, as usual. I confessed my sin and asked forgiveness – and then I accepted God’s forgiveness. So I don’t have to carry the weight of guilt. I am, however, still sad, still scared, and a little lonely. I realized that much of what is happening here is that I am being humbled. All those things I’ve prided myself upon, I am seeing that many others possess in great quantities. What I need to do perhaps, is stop competing and search for my own voice.
September 13
[Several pages of worrying about my performance in grad school, particularly a presentation I had to give] I really need to remember to just be myself. I need to put myself back in Your hands, God. Whenever I let go of the control and ask You to direct me, things go just fine. I’ve been getting caught up in ideas about who I ought to be, how I should try to appear. I need to let all of that go and just get close to You.
I’m learning that my relationship to You has to be renegotiated every day. Like a recovering alcoholic I have to decide again every morning to turn myself towards You, to rededicate myself to Your will. It’s interesting and a little bit frustrating to realize that it can’t be done once and for all. I know it is on Your side, but I am so contrary and so weak that no matter what my intentions of the morning or the previous day were, I find I’m far away from You again the next time I notice. Changing one’s life really is work, isn’t it? Well, I haven’t lost the desire. It is easy, though, to get sidetracked. Especially when I’m feeling so insecure. I know I don’t need to feel that way – I’m safer now than I’ve ever been, or at least since I was a child. I should have more faith by now that if I give myself to You things will be all right.
But it is a hard habit to break, especially in the face of the stress of new situations. People really like me when I’m feeling close to You. When I have subordinated my will to Yours. People sometimes shy away when I have on my brassy, defensive armor. Please help me, Lord, to walk in vulnerability with Your love my only shield. I surrender myself to You again today. I myself don’t like the way I act when I’ve given in to fear. I become very ironic and sharp, and I don’t listen well because I’m thinking too much about myself. Please help me not to be like that. Show me how to be Your child. And then please help me to be it! Always I am begging for Your help. But I need it. I keep trying to do it on my own, and I fail.
For today, I would like to be alert, thoughtful, sensitive to others’ needs and their feelings, able to listen well without worrying about myself, and to remain true to what I believe You want from me. I have to keep reminding myself that the only reason I am valuable – or say the only value I have to my department and my discipline is my own insight, my own thoughts about things. So if I worry too much about pleasing others, or learning to think like someone else, I am defeating my own purpose and reducing my value. So please God, if it is Your will, please help me to be clear, unmindful of my appearance, and confident of my own ideas.
September 17
Good morning. Its Sunday, and for once I am not rushing to get out of here to be on time for church . . . I don’t have much to say today. I don’t particularly like myself and I’m not sure why. I think it centers on two things; 1) I haven’t been working hard enough, and 2) I don’t feel as close to God as I wish. I am having trouble juggling all of the different demands on me, and I fee that my relationship with God is suffering because of it. I feel torn, and doubtful, about being able to be a good graduate student, a good anthropologist, and a good Christian. Being in grad school seems to mean that I (or one) should think only about anthropology. I don’t know if I am doing the right thing, being in this school, or not. I promised myself I’d stay for a year, and I will do my best throughout this year. But I wish I could figure out how best to grow as a Christian as well as in anthropology. I am going to church every week, which seems like a definite improvement, but it doesn’t feel like enough. I need to be praying more, reading the Bible more.
10 am. Have been thinking – maybe I ought to schedule a meeting to talk to D, my pastor. That could be really good. I’ll call him this week. I’m still feeling kind of low energy. The fatigue of conflicting, confusing emotions. Need to pull it together, or better yet, lay it all at Jesus’ feet.
September 18
I feel good today. Had a good dinner that I cooked myself, went to sleep early and slept well and just generally feel happier. Probably partially due to church. D’s sermon was on gnats and camels, as in: when Jesus was dressing down the church officials on Monday of Holy Week and he said they strained out small gnats while they swallowed camels whole. What a great image! His point was to be on guard against it in ourselves and to speak out against it when we see it. But it occurred to me that in addition to those things it also applies to how we treat ourselves. While I need to push myself to keep growing, I don’t need to condemn myself for the gnats when there are huge camels I’m either swallowing whole or working very hard not to.
The music was also especially good. The choir did one spiritual, “I am waiting for the chariot,” that was incredible. We actually clapped when it was over – a very rare thing in a Presbyterian church. The men’s choir also sang, and when the full choir performed their usual stuff they seemed to be at their truly inspiring best.
September 20
I am feeling pretty good emotionally, though still stressed and worried about my ability to do all that is required. Feel I am going on faith. Have been wondering a lot about how you know if you have been called to the ministry. I think quite a bit about going to seminary. I feel a pull, but how can I know for sure if it is Your voice, Lord? Sometimes I think I want to do that because it seems easier than what I’m doing now, and that is not a good reason.
More fundamentally, though, I desire to have a career that more closely matches my interior growth. To be in a discipline where I can read, talk, and write about my relationship with God. I will keep praying about it. Maybe I can talk to a few chosen people about it – Dad, D. I’m not sure what You want for me. Please still my heart so that I can hear Your voice. Please help me to distinguish between my own will and Yours. I want to do Your will, I’m just not very good at listening. Please help me to change that. I’m worried and required to think about so many other things that I am forgetting to make time to slow down, be still, and listen. I want to remember to do that.
I really desire You to be more central in my life. I will continue to work toward that end. Will You show me how? One thing I can do is spend more time at church. There are a few things that I would really like to attend, and I will just have to make the extra effort, no matter how tired.
September 25
I didn’t have a chance to mention ieri that I had a great talk with Mom and Dad on Saturday. They are being just wonderful. I feel their support strongly. Dad had some very thoughtful and helpful things to say. He assured me that my job is to be a good student right now. That I must attend church services on Sunday, and maybe pick one other group to belong to, but that I don’t need to feel guilty right now for not doing more. Was good to hear that, even if I’m not entirely convinced that he’s right. I feel I need to talk to D about it. I have my first new members class tonight. Maybe I’ll get a chance then.
October 1
We are having communion today at church. I am trying to prepare. I feel really guilty and I don’t know why. I haven’t done anything wrong. I need to stop being afraid that people at the church are going to be so ready to judge me. Why should they? I’ve only sinned the sins of omission and haven’t done as much as I could. That is my sin that I feel most guilty about. I kept trying to get myself to do more, but keep wimping out at the last minute. I’m doing a lot better. At least I go to church every week. I still haven’t missed a Sunday although I have often been tempted to. So why am I so down on myself? Because I have models in front of me of what I would really like to be like, and I fall so short. I am seeing what it is possible to do, and it makes me realize how much time I waste, how selfish I am, etc. It’s good to be aware and its good to keep trying, but this guilt isn’t helpful. It is more likely to freeze me up than motivate me. I’ll just keep trying, Lord. Please forgive me my mistakes, my slips, my pride, my selfishness, my hopelessness, my doubt. Please forgive for all the times I could have helped someone and didn’t. Please be with me now and prepare me for Your sacraments.
October 2
Had a good day ieri, if not quite as productive as I would have liked. But I went to church and received communion, which was really good for me. I also went to the Singles lunch and to the new members meeting. D said something really helpful. He said that though there are a lot of different ways that we can get involved at the church, that he also understands that different people have different things to offer in different seasons, and that there is also a place for those of us who are unable to participate a great deal. He said that his expectation of us is that we will be there on Sundays, and that we will be open to letting the church love and nurture us. I’m looking forward to meeting with him tomorrow. He really is an amazing man. I feel closer to You, God, now that I have again confessed my sins and asked You to be near to me. I use my guilt to build a wall between us, and I have to keep letting You tear it down. Thank You for your patience in helping me with the same things over and over again.
October 4
So much happened ieri, I don’t know where to start. Quickly, my talk with D was wonderful. He said so many wise things. He helped me see that I was closing God out with my meanness to myself and my too-high expectations. He assured me that at this time I don’t need to do a lot for or at the church. That it really is quite all right to just come and be nurtured and have my spirit fed. I told him a lot about my past, because I wanted him to understand how special it is for me to be in a place where I can be baptized and join a church. He was so gentle, he understood me and he urged me to be gentle with myself, and not to work at this.
October 29
Father, today I will obey Your command and become baptized with Your Spirit and join Your Holy Church. I have some misgivings. Not about those acts themselves, buy my inability to have been focused on You for the days or weeks before I undertake this. I guess it is helpful to view this as the beginning of a deeper relationship, rather than the end point of my earlier relationship. It is a good lesson in remembering that I will never perform perfectly the tasks You set before me, and that the important thing is that I complete them the best I can. I am sorry I am inviting You into such an unhealthy body, but I have no control over that and I suppose it makes no difference to You.
There is so much to do, Lord! How do people do it all?! Sometimes I think people are able to allow themselves to be filled with Your energy, but I don’t know the key. I guess I’m too busy sabotaging myself most of the time . . . I wish that I had the whole day to celebrate this momentous day in my life. But I must get some work done. I’m terrified by the amount of stuff that has to be done by the end of November. Will I get it all done? What will happen to me if I don’t?
October 30
Yesterday was wonderful. Church was, anyway. I am now an official member of the church and God’s family. I cried through most of the service, coughed through the rest. But it was magnificent. Some of the words they use through the Baptism are: “Jill, for you Christ died, and for you he is surely coming again!” That is what made me weep. Then D’s sermon was titled, “All the Saint’s greet you,” a sermon of welcome. One of the hymns was a favorite of mine, A Mighty Fortress is Our God. It was great, and I am so thankful! Teach me to be worthy. After the service I really felt like celebrating, but instead went to the library and got some work done.
These are the last entries for nearly five years. It isn't exactly that I was baptized, and then stopped doing any spiritual work . . . though it does kind of look like that. What happened was the end of my first semester of graduate school, and falling in love with my husband-to-be, simultaneously. All of those papers and reports came due, my ethnographic research for my RA took off, so I was in the field every weekend, and I fell in love almost overnight with a fellow graduate student with whom I'd been building a freindship all fall (today is our 11th wedding anniversary, by the way).
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