Why I Don't Know My Body

I've been putting off writing this post. I think its because the subject could get so bogged down in the history of Western thought. I mean, the splitting of the mind/soul/body has long roots in Western philosophy and culture. But I don't necessarily want to go there. Can we take that as read?

Of course that is an important part of my cultural training. What's a body? Who cares? It is just something to cart around your soul, which is the only part that matters to God, and houses your mind. Of course, the body can get you into all sorts of trouble, and is a source of sin, if anything. Sure, there are references in Christianity to the body being the temple of God, but except for its use in exhortations to quit (or never take up) smoking, avoid promiscuous sex, exercise restraint in use of alcohol - in short, don't allow the body to lead you into sin - I don't recall anyone ever taking the "body as temple" thing too seriously.

And then in my parents I had examples of downplaying or outright ignoring messages from the body. Dad thought orange juice ought to cure whatever ailed you. He is one of those people that just never gets sick; I think the first time I ever saw him with even a head cold he was in his fifties or sixties. Mom is a different story. She has had so many different kinds of pain - severe pain - that she developed her own methods for dealing with it. One never knows what is in another's head or heart, and I don't know for sure how she coped. But to me it seemed that she coped mainly by just powering through. The lesson I learned, whether it was what was intended or not, was definitely an overwhelming "IGNORE THE BODY - IT IS IRRELEVANT". If it gets in your way - if it is weak, or painful, or sick, or deficient, just ignore it. Push it away and pretend it isn't there. That's what I took away.

More - I saw Mom turn inward and "upward" - turn to God for assistance with her pain. So what it looked like was that one should kind of retreat from the body and ask God for help in dealing with it. The idea of making friends with the pain, or even with one's body was never introduced to me. To be fair - that could be because the notion is so obvious to both parents that it never occured to them to say outloud. But I never got that message.

So, between the deep philosophical divide provided by our culture, the religion and the socialization provided by my parents, there was a pretty strong foundation for pushing away unpleasantnesses of the flesh.

Then I was molested. And then I was raped and beaten. These events drove further wedges between my self and my body. For years afterword - more than a decade actually - I did not feel that I even lived in my body. It took a lot of work in therapy just to inhabit my skin, to know that gnawing pain in the belly meant hunger, or to notice that my arm or leg had been asleep for some time.

That killed any athleticism I might have had, too. I was going to say that I had never had any attraction to sports, or had not a single athletic bone in my body. But that isn't true. I reveled in the suppleness and strength of my body as a child. I loved riding horses and hiking and swimming. I was on the swim team, in fact. I roller-skated with passion. I loved to ride my bike; I mean loved. I remember the feeling of balance and speed and grace that both bikes and skates provided. But the development of breasts and the dark attraction of evil men stole that innocent pleasure away, and I never regained it. Pleasure in the body turned to deep, deep shame.

So really it shouldn't be too much of a surprise that I deal with pain by ignoring it, and that I do not feel like my head, soul, heart, mind, breath, body, identity and self are integrated into a complex and complete whole. It should not be shock to anyone that my search for wholeness took place almost totally in my head. Come to think of it, except for extremists, what role does Christianity have for the body? In Catholic ritual there is at least kneeling, but in Protestant worship services the closest one gets is standing and sitting. I do remember one of the 12-step groups I went to introduced me to the idea of kneeling, which I found very useful. But where has that idea gone in American Christianity? There is no prostrating oneself before the Lord in public or in private. Do any children still kneel by the bed to say their prayers? I was not taught to kneel; we said our prayers laying down. But I digress.

I came to Hinduism - or the Sanatana Dharma - in ways that are familiar to anyone who has been reading this blog. All through scripture and study and pondering and thinking. And there is room for that - that's fine. Plenty of respect for study of scripture in this religion, and a whole path - jnana yoga - dedicated to pondering (in the mind) the difference between the self and the Self. But somehow, I guess for all the reasons I've detailed here and maybe others I haven't figured out or spelled out, I kind of forgot, or just plain skipped over, this fact:

As I studied all of the different paths, karma, jnana, bhakti and raja, and tried to determine which was for me, or how best to combine them in ways that fit my self this life - I noted that all presuppose certain things, like adopting or practicing the yamas and niyamas. But I conveniently just didn't see or notice that all paths presuppose the practice of pranayama and asana, too. Of hatha yoga, in other words. How? Now that I can see it, it is so hard to understand how I could have NOT seen that!!

I had been going around for a month thinking about blind spots. Since Christmas I had been praying for God/brahman to show me whatever I needed to see about my self that I couldn't see. And there in late January, all of a sudden it hit me, and it was an epiphany, a revelation. Yoga! I am supposed to be doing yoga!

I guess that was even before I had surgery, because I had gone to the library and checked out a few books. And it was standing in the library looking through the selection that I realized another reason that I had avoided the conclusion that I should take up asana practice (asana = posture) as part of my overall spiritual development: there is a tremendous amount of junk out there.

I have to be really careful about being a spiritual snob; I realize that wisdom can come from the strangest and most unexpected places. For example, one of the best books I got first was written by a fashion model!!! Shock! I forced myself to give it a try just because my first instinct was to snort and boy did I get taught a big lesson. Christine Turlington has certainly done her homework and she knows a lot more about hatha yoga than I will for a long, long time. I wanted to be picky with her about some of the other parts of her book - like the history and scripture parts - but there wasn't that much to pick at, really. Moreover, I learned a lot about grace and humility; learning to love one's body for what it is, healing and peace.

That was an exception. There were so many books on the shelf about "power yoga" and "speed yoga" and "yoga for executives" and other titles that just struck me as oxymorons. Opening them, they were utterly stripped of everything meaningful. They were teaching yoga poses - marginally - if you stretch the term past its meaning - but nothing else about what yoga is. Is it yoga if your sole purpose is to lose weight or make money, and you have sped it up so that there is no time for reflection or contemplation? Why bother? Why not just stick to aerobics?

I guess the search for yoga lessons and teachers is a whole 'nother post.

What's relevant for now is that I had finally seen the light. I'd woken up and realized that there was a way, had always been a way right in front of me, interwoven into the very scriptures I read every day, to connect with my long-lost body, befriend it, and begin to be whole. That there might just be a path to true health for me, a way for mind, body and self to procede together rather than fighting against one another. It really did feel like coming home.

2005 - Free (from grad school) At Last! (May-Sept)

When I began this blog, I envisioned putting out small bits of my long-ago journals at a time, ekeing them out over a long period. But now I feel eager to get them all up and out of the way, so that I can be current and move on to the new things I'm reading and thinking about. Thus the enormous chunks and too-long posts, and the multiple posts per day, especially on weekends. It is Spring Break now, and I have a lot of work I'm supposed to be doing. But today is the first day of break, and I am in desperate need of doing fun things. So don't be surprised by the huge amounts of text! I'm hoping to get some pictures up tomorrow, but the ones I want are on my hubby's computer, and he is busy watching basketball today. This is how people celebrate their 11th anniversary, I guess : )

May 18
I allowed myself to read the intro to one of my new books, The Closing of the Western Mind: The Rise of Faith and the Fall of Reason, by Charles Freeman. Bought it while Mom was here and she didn’t like the looks of it. Hard to know if she had a point or was just prejudiced until I read it. One of the scary things about getting older is realizing how defensive one’s parents are about things that are important to them, and how that defensiveness hints at what they do not know.
But that isn’t fair. They clearly know a lot more about faith than I do, from the inside, and I feel sure they would say that faith is more important to them than any intellectual understanding or knowledge. But for me, being the rationalist I’m sure they taught me to be, I can’t believe something with my heart that my brain doesn’t accept. I would like to have faith – a relationship with a loving God. But right now I can’t – except on a simultaneously very deep and very shallow level, because I have to know what kind of god I’m having a relationship with. I don’t mean what he/she/it looks like, or even what church he/she/it most approves of.
Third paragraph I almost began with But. Okay, but how does one read scripture for guidance when one is always wondering, “Yes, but how did this get into the canon? Why this and not something else? What do all the other texts that didn’t make it have to say about this issue? Who actually wrote this and what was his political agenda? How can I possible believe this is what God said, wanted, thought, when there have been so many opportunities for human corruption?
I find myself reading the Bible with great intensity and excitement, but no longer with innocence. Hindus and Buddhists, even Jews and Muslims make far greater sense to me than Christians do. At least the Christianity of today. So, I find a need to steep myself in the history. If I am going to be a Christian it will likely be as a heretical one. And so I need to find answers for myself about how Christianity got to be the way it is, and see if there is anything at the core I can believe in. It is unfortunate that the Christians I know know so little about their own religion outside of the very particular brand they practice. And actually – it supports the thesis of this book; mostly what I get from Mom and Dad is “Oh, I don’t know about that and I don’t want to know.” And from my students, of course, it is much worse.
I guess I keep harping on it – and will continue to – because I find it [that attitude] confusing and distasteful. The confusing part is how otherwise intelligent, open-minded people can be so, not irrational, but anti-rational and closed minded when it comes to things that are truly important. It is distasteful to me because it often smacks of fear. To me, having “the courage of our convictions” means facing fear, doubt, etc. But sometimes from my parents I feel they are afraid of learning something, as if the whole structure will fall apart if one brick proves faulty. That’s not a belief system I’d want to stand on.
I find myself in the unflattering position of feeling contemptuous of a couple whose faith I have seen working, and whose love for me and for others is deep and unquestionable. And yet, why are they afraid to discuss the construction of the canon? I guess it is very modern of me, but I hate the idea of people believing things out of fear. I’ve said since I was a teen that I’d rather spend eternity in hell than believe something because I was afraid not to. And the thing is, I just can’t make myself believe in a God who would throw me in hell just because I used the mind he gave me.
The whole story of the Garden of Eden and the Tree of Knowledge gives me the heebie-jeebies. It always has – or at least, as far back as I can remember. Why in the world would an all-knowing and loving God do that? He knew what would happen – he designed the creatures so that they would disobey, and then punishes them for it? So, if I genetically engineer a child to be curious, if I love it would I then put neat things in front of it and tell the child not to touch them? And if I did that, and the child touched them, would I be right to punish it eternally? And all of its descendents?
Jesus supposedly said something about how even imperfect humans know how to love their children, so how much more does our heavenly father know how to love us? To me, these two stories are in flat contradiction. If true, there seem to me only two ways to interpret the Genesis story. Either 1) What God does and his reasons for doing it are so incomprehensible that there is no point in ever trying to figure out what He means, or 2) those Gnostics who claim Yahweh was a lesser god who, on an egomaniacal rampage convinced himself he’d done away with the other gods, is largely in control. Not all-powerful, not all-knowing, just sort having a fit teenage rebellion.

The first thing that strikes me as I read this today is fear that it is going to hurt my Mother's feelings. I really do not want to hurt her or anyone else. So why am I posting it? Because this is a recurring refrain - not just with Mom, but with a few other Christians I know who often take my questions or doubts personally. There is this tender area, fraught with tension, surrounding all questions for which there are no or difficult answers. Its about disclosure, I guess. I want my cards to be all on the table. That's why I'm posting it, even though it might hurt. And I post this reminder, that just because I thought it, and even though I still think that there is a tendency to be defensive on behalf of Christianity as a religion, and on behalf of the Bible (I.e. for being inconsistent), and on behalf of other Christians, doesn't mean I'm right.

Anyway, the second thing that occurred to me as I read this was what a struggle it has always been for me to wear both my anthropological and my Christian hats at the same time, whereas that has been less of a problem when pursuing other faiths. There I sat, reading an important Hebraic myth, and it did not even occur to me to analyze it as a myth! For the first few months of grappling with Christian theology again (see below) on an emotional level, I seem to approach it without any of the tools I had just picked up with 10 years of study. I reverted right back to where I had left off, or perhaps even farther back.

May 22
In terms of the book Mom didn’t like the looks of, I’ve found a couple of errors and one area of sloppy research, so it does cast doubt on his scholarship. Overall, though, I think he’s pretty even-handed. He isn’t one of those people who is so pissed off at the church that he can’t be objective. So that’s good. And most of what he’s talked about so far I already knew. But it is helpful to have certain things re-iterated. I can’t wait to be able to turn my whole mind over to these other non-dissertation things!

May 27
I’m trying to get back to serious study of Closing . . ., but I feel like I need to read it side by side with Armstrong’s History of God, because I trust her more than him. And that ends up seeming like a lot of work. In the meantime, I just finished reading Mary Doria Russell’s The Sparrow, and am about to start in on the sequel. She writes so beautifully, and I was beginning to feel the unfairness of examining Christianity with only the intellect, since it is the faith experience that is so essential to the religion. Russell deals unflinchingly with the most difficult challenges to faith – both intellectually and spiritually/emotionally.

May 31
[reading previous journals]
1994 – Humboldt was really good to me. In May of ’94 I was becoming a Christian for all the same reasons I’ve held since then. Except my faith is no longer so strong that there IS Someone who cares about me (us) and sees or makes a pattern in our lives. Maybe I’m just not allowing myself to make the leap. To feel the pull. Although, I finished Mary Doria Russell’s second book today, and she said, or had a character say, that what breaks God’s heart is not pain or hate or denial, but indifference. Surely I can’t be accused of ever being indifferent to God. Sometimes I’ve hated, sometimes been bent on knowing what exactly God is, sometimes I’ve despaired of ever finding Him/Her. But I can’t recall ever being indifferent.
I was learning about faith. What happened? Oh yeah, the cynicism of graduate school. Why did I give in to it? Pure peer pressure. A sense that I wasn’t strong enough, smart enough, myself, unless I joined the herd.

July 4
The other issue that occurred to me this morning is his [Dad’s] attitude and his beliefs about homosexuality. This one kills me. I found out a couple years ago that he is really prejudiced against gay people. We had a big discussion about it. I think we were actually talking about gay clergy, because the Episcopalian church had just ordained, or installed, a gay bishop. It got a lot of coverage here because he was from Kentucky. But I was there in { } for Mom’s by pass surgery.
It was also when he was in the middle of having to choose between a mediocre organist with the right sexuality or an excellent one who is gay. He eventually made the right decision, but it wasn’t easy for him, and I could hardly believe it. His feeling is that homosexuality is clearly a sin. It says so in the Bible in several places, and he said he felt we cannot practice moral relativism. A sin is a sin, no matter what the prevailing social norms. In theory, he adopted the “hate the sin, love the sinner” credo, but in fact I think this organist was the first gay person – that he knew of – that he has ever gotten to know, and he was certainly struggling with having to reach out to him Christian love.
So, for the church to ordain openly gay ministers, Dad feels they would be saying that in fact you can pick which parts of God’s words you are going to obey, and which you’ll ignore. I can buy that. I don’t agree with him, but it is a tenable position to hold.
He wasn’t sure if sexuality is innate or not. But I asked him if that were so, didn’t it mean that God had made them that way? And if so, how can it be a sin? He felt that even if you were born with the tendency to desire members of your own sex, you don’t have to act on it. The sin is not the feeling, it is the behavior. Never mind what Jesus said about lust in the heart being the equivalent of the behavior. Let’s just focus in on his belief that 10% of the world’s population must learn to control their sexuality – must fight their nature their entire lives – or they will spend eternity in hell.


August 3
Spent the rest of the day reading Mary Doria Russell’s latest book, A Thread of Desire. As I commented to Jim, that woman excels at writing books that are so painful you can barely stand to read them, but so beautiful you can hardly put them down. This one is about Jews in Italy during WWII. It’s set in 1943, when Italy has just declared armistice with the Allies, and Germany has promptly invaded. So all the Jews who’ve been trickling south and then make a break for Italy expecting a warm welcome are now fleeing from Nazis once again.
Someone like me simply cannot comprehend the hatred humans are able to maintain toward one another, nor the courage and faith of others that allows them to persist in loving others and God in the face of that hatred. We read and read, and I guess some write novels, and we study and research and some times are able to attach labels and theories to both phenomena – but they are really just mysteries, aren’t they? We really understand so very little of the workings of the human heart.

August 12
[after describing a quarrel with Jim]
But I’m asking myself right now, so what? So what if he never notices anything nice I do for him? I want him to live up to Paul’s description of love in Corinthians, but do I? Love doesn’t count the cost. Love does not keep a tally sheet. I need to do things for Jim out of my love for him. To offer as true gifts whatever I am able. . . Hindus, Buddhists and real Christians have it right – how can it possibly hurt me for Jim to remember more bad than good, or to blame me for everything, or to fail to notice something I’ve done, etc., if I am simply doing what is right for me to do, and offering myself to him as a loving gift? Do my duty without any expectations. And that doesn’t’ mean I have to do his duty. It doesn’t make me a door mat.
Okay, I know that I want to become more like the old me, only better. How do I get there? I think it would be good idea to get out Paul’s definition of love and St. Francis’ prayer, the “Where there is hatred, let me bring love” one, and read them slowly and meaningfully every day. Pray them, really. That would help me get my head in the right place before I start my day. Then, as the Buddha instructed, I need to watch myself. Notice, be aware of my behavior and ask myself why I’m doing it. As I become more and more aware of my motivations, using this forum to help me, I ought to be able to change.

August 13
Need to find those prayers I mentioned. I believe we are what we think. Our minds have tremendous control over our bodies. So if I have those reminders every morning of what I’d like to be, I think over time I will naturally live my life in accordance, without having to work quite as hard. As the wise Buddha said, having the Right View and the Right Intent go a long way toward helping one have Right Speech and Right Conduct.

August 15
One thing I forgot to write here is that I had an insight about the no-soul, anatta doctrine of Buddhism. I learned that the founder of Jainism lived and preached about the same time and in the same area as the Buddha. He taught that karma is a real, physical substance. It’s atoms attach themselves to the jiva and accumulate there. They are attracted by acts of violence and selfishness. The Buddha’s teachings make a lot more sense when seen in that context. I hope that by learning these things I’ll be able really show my students how important context is – that ALL of these religious doctrines took shape in particular, historical situations and formed as against other available doctrines – sometimes as part of vicious debates.

August 17
I also have not dug out those spiritual guides yet. I know I really need to. Need help focusing on others, remembering to make service to others my highest goal. Isn’t it interesting that the central theme of all the world’s major religions is to turn from the self, to reduce selfishness or self-centeredness? It does make one wonder if it isn’t all really just a way to make it possible for humans to live together. In other words, sociobiology is right, and religion, or the capacity for religion, was simply an evolutionary adaptation that allowed humans to be more successful by allowing them to work together more harmoniously. If so, the laugh is on us, isn’t it? Since more people have been killed in the name of religion than anything else? Of course, those wars are in direct contradiction of the doctrines of all religions, but what the hell.

September 27
As I was thinking about my religion class I remembered that I’d meant to watch “What the Bleep Do We Know?,” a movie that is kind of hard to categorize. It’s part documentary explaining quantum physics, and what it teaches us about the nature of reality and thus spirituality. It’s also part story – how one woman has trapped herself in a life of pain by clinging mentally to her image of life as a painful place, and how she reorients herself by applying the new spirituality of physics which is really Hinduism.
I think it is quite powerful and might really help the students to think about these things in a different way. But it is long. I taped it, so I’m thinking to put it to a vote . . . I’d actually be more inclined if I could cut the story part out, but perhaps it will be meaningful to them. The movie was meaningful to me in that it challenges us to take seriously the proposition that we create our own reality. Not just spiritually, or psychologically, but materially, physically. We create our own bodies, maybe we even created/are creating/will create the very physical laws by which our universe is governed.
They discuss the connections between how our neurons fire to construct reality in our minds, how our bodies then create proteins and other chemicals that get sent out to our cells. Every emotion, as the Buddha pointed out, has a corresponding physical change – we now call that a chemical. Our cells can thus become addicted to our emotions. We have some control – no – we have total control over that; which neural networks do we construct over and over, by associating certain things together? “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” We can consciously break them, and thus break our addictions.
What if I choose to break my addiction to guilt? To worry? To feelings of inadequacy? To fear about the future? Would I not then be free to create new ways of being in the world? There were three things that really stood out to me that people said. Two actually by the person they interview in the film who annoys me the most. Not exactly sure why she does, her mannerisms, I guess, which may simply be because she’s SO real it makes me uncomfortable.
First, a theologian (Irish), before her says that all the time and effort we’ve put, in the West, into constructing a jealous, rule-crazy, punishing god, is not only incorrect – it is blasphemy. Then she says, to paraphrase, “To think about the immense size and glory and wonder of this universe, and to imagine that our little specks of humanity in the backwaters of the Milky Way can sin against the Creator of all that? It is not possible.” It is, of course, what one automatically understands when they look at the photos from deep space – all those galaxies, all these huge, beautiful, strange nebulae, the trillions and trillions of stars – a God that large could not possibly be seeking opportunities to punish me. As someone else says, it is the ultimate arrogance to create God in one’s own image. Not to mention the tragic waste of time and energy.
Later she says, “Do I think you are bad? No, I don’t think you are bad. I don’t think you are good, either. I think you are God.” Goes back to that Hindu idea of our ultimate responsibility for ourselves. So the third thing is a guy talking about his daily practice of picturing how he would like his day to go, what reality he would like to manifest in his life. People like Shakti Gawain have been saying such things for a long time, and I kind of ended up treating her as a nut. But why not? If we control literally everything, then why cannot I have a day in which I have great energy and enthusiasm and patience for my students? And my husband and family? Why not write application letters that will knock the socks off the people at the perfect liberal arts school for me? Why not a day in which pain has no control?
This will take practice. I need to break many well-established neural networks and chemical addictions. But with time, so they claim, it can be done. And as they, along with the Hindu and Buddhist saints, say, don’t accept this at face value; Try it! See if it works! So I began today, and I’ll keep working at it.

1994 - Trying To Be A Christian - Again

I came out of 1993 knowing I needed to reconnect not only with family but with Spirit. I believed that all religions were legitimate paths to the Truth. I just needed to pick one. I felt most attuned to Hinduism, although Judaism and Islam also exerted strong attractions. But at the time, I decided that my early training in Christianity, and the fact that I live in a Christian-saturated culture, would make following Christianity the best path for me to follow. I therefore re-dedicated myself to the Christian faith, and did my best to practice it. I began to read the Bible again, and truly tried to struggle with the parts that I still felt were mistaken, to try to see what I was missing, what the original intent of the writer was, how God might still speak to me through things that didn’t make any sense. I spent a lot of time in prayer. Well, you can see how it went for yourself - that's what this is all about:


May 22, 1994 (25 years old)
It is a gloriously beautiful morning. A good day for reading Psalms. It seems that every time the worldly pressures of school and work and relationships, etc. are relieved for awhile, my mind turns naturally to spirit. It’s like that is the real work, the real project, and all the other things are just distractions.
I wonder constantly about Christianity. I know that God is beyond gender, and lately I’ve been wondering if it really matters whether I think of It as male or female. It couldn’t possibly care how I engender it, I don’t think. And my 17 or 18 years of conditioning have made it easier to relate to a male god, though it goes against my reasoning. Trying to call it Goddess in my heart feels strained and false. Am I to follow my intellect in matters of the spirit? Or my spirit? If thinking of God as the Father enables me to move closer to that Truth, what does it matter if in the process I have to give up my feminist ideas of Goddess? And if I am willing to call him Father, what stands between that, and my accepting his son?

June 4
So much is happening inside me. S [my boyfriend of one year] and I are camping at Trinity Lake. And I am becoming a Christian again. Where to begin? Maybe it doesn’t matter. Indeed, the only reason I want to write about it here is that I want to write Mom and Dad about this change, and I want to put my thoughts and feelings into some kind of order. I think I’ll just list points, and I can put them in a sensible order later.
1. I truly believe, and have for at least a year, that it doesn’t matter which path you walk, as long as you pick one, and really walk it. But for numerous reasons, I didn’t apply that to me and Christianity, and now I see that I can.
2. If I am going to walk a path, and I always knew I would, it began to occur to me that the religion I grew up with and am knowledgeable about and comfortable with, is perhaps the best one. I’ve tried to connect with Spirit, or the Ultimate Being on my own, and have found that I can’t do it.
3. I have struggled to be a “good” person, and have managed to make some improvements both in my behavior and my heart. But I have never been able to erase this basic sense of “badness,” of shame, that I think I really may as well call original sin. I’ve become aware that there is nothing I will ever be able to do to redeem myself. No matter how hard I try, or how “good” I become. I, myself, do not have the capability to save myself. And at the same time, I find that it is very important to me to be redeemed. Which leaves me in quite a quandary. I feel it necessary to be saved, but know I will never be able to save myself. So my only other option is the hope that God himself will redeem me.
4. I believe God to be beyond gender, but have only gotten in my own way – as I explained before, and am now very comfortable imagining a male type of God.
5. I’m not concerned with heaven at this point. All I’m really looking for is a way to be the kind of person I want to be, that I feel I ought to be, and that I know I can’t be all by myself.
6. I feel ready to surrender. I’ve proven to myself that my will lands me in some kind of trouble more often than not. I’m also willing to admit that I don’t know anything. The more I learn, the more I realize that. So I am not in a position to know what’s best, for me or anyone else. I feel ready to let some One or Thing tell me what to do. This can only happen because I really believe there is One who does know what’s best. Who does have a plan for me and who will guide me as soon as I ask.
7. I’ve struggled so long with the idea that you can only use logic up to a point, and then you must make this leap of faith. I’ve hated the idea of that leap. I think it is only because I understand better the alternative of that leap that the leap looks a whole lot more attractive to me now. I am tired of feeling disconnected, alone and meaningless.
8. Since I’ve begun to move closer to this point, the feeling of connectedness is too strong to deny. Whether it’s a psychological thing I’m doing to myself doesn’t matter to me anymore, because the feeling is real, however derived.
J. [a close friend from adolescence] and I were talking about all this, and she related a conversation she had with a customer once who was a Christian. He was explaining some of the basic points and they got to that leap. J. said, “I want all those things, but how do I do it?” The man answered, “Have faith.” That sent J. into a rage. “Have faith? That’s all you people ever say! I ask serious questions and that’s the only stupid answer you ever give!” Now, many years later, she had the brilliant idea that perhaps she should try it! And kablam! There it was. She discovered it was the only answer, and that it works. That when you try just a little tiny bit of faith, the faith itself seems to take over and produce even more of itself. I’m discovering that same thing.
Ditto with the concept “act as if.” Act as if you were the kind of person you wish you were, and lo and behold, that is who you become. This is an amazing concept to me . . . to anyone, I think, who realizes they are hopelessly evil with no hope of changing it. Ah, but I can act as if I am a good person. And maybe if I am lucky God will help me be that person someday. It does mean you have to do a lot of things you don’t want to. But what a small price to pay for the hope of redemption. I mean, after all, I was going to try to do right whether there was any payback at all. How wonderful that I can get paid back by getting help to be what I want to be.

July 24
I’ve been thinking about the tragedy in Rwanda/Zaire. I just can’t understand why God doesn’t do something. Drop manna and water from the sky, at least! Mom said something that helped a little. She said she had an idea that God’s answer might be that if we who have heard of Him were all doing what we should be, that wouldn’t be happening. Not to make us feel guilty, just a simple explanation of cause and effect. I had said something to Mom about manna being good advertising for God, and she agreed, saying He knew that. Then added that his Enemy would stop at nothing to give Him bad advertising. I said, “Why doesn’t God fight back?” She said she thinks he does, just not in ways we understand. I feel sure, too, that there must be some reason. I just don’t know understand what it is. I know I probably never will. What my job is, I guess, is finding out what God wants me to do, and doing it.

August 3
Thomas Merton says something about there being no neutrality between gratitude and ingratitude. That you either live your life gratefully or not. He remarks also on how much you miss if you choose not to live gratefully. Yesterday another opportunity came to be grateful. I had the chance to buy S. a Bible. He said he wanted one, so I stopped at two places and got him a Living Bible. I also got myself a planner, to guide my reading. I’m beginning on the correct date, which is in Jeremiah. I’m not exactly sure that’s where I need to be reading, but I trust that God has a plan, and also that there is something important to be learned in each passage of His book. So I will read it. I realize, of course, that doesn’t mean I can’t read other parts as well. I’d really like to re-read the gospels. I need to get to know Jesus again, through his life, and his words.
Things inside me are changing. As I read different things, I realize I’m reacting in a totally new way that I would have a month or two ago. Some of these reactions are hard to put into words. One is that I always yearned for a religion that was highly ritualized, one in which you could learn magic, and say intricate spells, that had to be done just right, etc. Now when I contrast that with the simplicity of Christianity I find the former lacking. It just isn’t as exciting as it once was. I don’t want my books on Goddess stuff anymore. They just don’t hold any interest for me. Same with a few of my CD’s. I think tomorrow I’ll actually get rid of them. For now I’m going to read the Bible, and will write about what I read.
Jeremiah 3:20. I’m not exactly sure what I was supposed to get from this. Perhaps it is to help me to come to terms with God’s anger. It is still difficult to understand, but easier than it was before. I think I’m also learning that God’s anger is different from human anger. There are also so many similarities between that time and this one, in terms of turning away from God and constructing our own. It is a good reminder that He will not always be so indulgent with me, and also that it is only when one does as God directs that one has nothing to fear.
I was trying to catch up with the guide, as well, so I read more that I really think I was able to digest. There was a mention of the potter and his clay, which I like. It reminded me that not only will God mold and design me to his will, but also that He can crumple me up and throw me away. He has promised, through his Son, that he will not do that, as long as I keep trying. But that is his gift to me, not my right.
There are so many things to think about.

August 5
Oh, I didn’t write about what I read yesterday in the Bible. One of the things that stood out to me was that in King Josiah’s time, he consulted a woman prophetess. That’s the first time I remember hearing of a woman prophet in the Old Testament, or should I say, a woman afforded any respect of that kind. Another point was that Josiah did his best to wipe out all of the paganism, destroy the idols and renew the covenant his fathers had made with God. Another example of how one person can make a difference.
I wonder what would happen if the Prime Minister of Israel did something like that now. Would the UN interfere? Or just the Americans, with our right of separation of church and state? Why we believe we can impose that on everyone else, I don’t know. If I had a leader whom I believed was really walking with God, and being led by God, like Prince Caspian or something, I’d rather live in a state that was the church. But it certainly would be horrible if they weren’t really close to God, or if they were walking with someone else’s God.

August 7
Lord, I’ve been reading and reading the history of Your Children, and I am sick of all the blood. It’s hard for me to understand how You can be the God of Peace, when all I am reading is war, and murder, and treachery. I realize that humans are treacherous and bloodthirsty, but did You not command them so? What am I supposed to be learning?

August 22
I’m reading Ezekiel and Numbers and I think my process is backwards. Instead of helping me understand and believe more, my reading is just making me question more. It’s so hard to reconcile the God of love with the Old Testament God of war and bloodshed and revenge. I was just thinking, maybe Islam is closer to what God wanted, with its holy wars and eye for an eye philosophy. Does the God I believe in exist? What are You like? Do you love me, or are You waiting to punish me? I think I need to read the New Testament. I’m getting lost in the Old. But it’s only for one more month, and I sense this struggle is good.
Another question, or problem I’m having is that so much of the Law and the guidelines seem culture-specific. I wonder if God still wants to be my God, of if He’s only for desert-dwelling, polygynous, bloodthirsty people. And if he does indeed wish to be my Lord, if he is my Lord, what does he want me to do? Did the rules regarding homosexuality go out with those of sacrifice and seclusion of menstruating women? What exactly is meant by fornication?

September 4
My Bible reading this morning was in Psalms. The recurrent theme was, “How long, O Lord, will Thou be angry?” That was good timing for me, because I can’t feel God close to me. I feel that’s related to all the emotions I’ve been having about my parents. I keep feeling displeasure, and I don’t know if it is from You, or from my internal parental programming. Every time I think about the way my parents treated me I’m immediately suspicious of my own motivations. Am I attempting to absolve myself from responsibility? I keep feeling, Lord, that You are putting those thoughts in my head, but I’m not sure. I can’t figure out if I have any right to be angry. But I was actually hurt. Can I go with that? Isn’t it all right for me to acknowledge that I was very wounded by their actions, without having the instantaneous thought afterwards that it was all my own fault? I know that we are all responsible for our own actions. I know that, and I really believe I am not trying to get out of anything.
After all, I’ve already opened myself, and I have given Mom, Dad and [my younger sister] many opportunities to express their anger at me, and their pain. But they’ve [parents] never given me that chance. I’ve never been allowed to say, “You hurt me,” without them responding that it was my own fault. And I can’t tell, God, if it is You agreeing with them that it is all my fault, or what. So I can’t feel You. I don’t know if you still love me or not.
Lord, my parents rejected me absolutely at one time. They told me they didn’t want me, and they showed it. Now I can’t believe I’m lovable. If my parents could just decide they didn’t want me anymore, then everyone can do that, including You. I’m so frightened that everyone will just stop loving me. Either for a bad thing I did, or just out of the blue. That’s why I can’t believe You really love me. People say You are the perfect Father, but my own father was a good man, and he still found it necessary to reject me. To abandon me. I can’t tell if he was right to do that, in which case, a more perfect father would be able to reject me more completely. Or did he make a mistake? Would a perfect father have more compassion? I just don’t know, and I feel so alone.
Why is it that when I think just of myself in relationship with You, I am sure You can and have forgiven me and that You love me. But when I think of my whole family in relation to You, I feel equally sure that You don’t like me at all? Maybe it is because I know You love them, and I know they walk with You, which means any time I disagree with them, I’m automatically separating myself from You. Or that’s what it feels like, anyway.
God, I made a decision to follow You, and I will not turn back. I have put my faith in You and I will continue to seek You, and I am trying to trust You on an emotional level as well. Until I can, I trust you intellectually. I’ve decided to trust You. But I’m scared and I can’t feel You. I believe You are there and I’ll keep trying to be someone worthy of Your love, though I am but dust.
But Father, will you reject me, too? Will you turn Your face from me? I will keep following You, even if You do, but Lord, I need You. Please don’t leave me. Please love me. How much more do I need You because my own earthly father doesn’t like me? Please let me be Your child even though I do bad things. Please don’t cast me out! Please hear my cry, o Lord.

September 30
I’m going to have to go in a few minutes, but wanted to mention that in my Bible reading this morning I began the gospels. I read the genealogies of Jesus in Matthew and Luke, and I was a little confused and surprised to find that they are different. They begin being different at an early point – Joseph’s father. Now, I’m confused because a) I thought Jews were matrilineal, and b) if Jesus was born through Mary and an Immaculate Conception, who cares what Joseph’s line was? He had nothing to do with it! And c) If they couldn’t get the nearest relationship right, why are they so confident about times even farther back?
Another interesting point is that neither my Bible nor the reading guide discuss or explain the discrepancy. Strange. Will have to look it up in my Oxford Guide to the Bible.

October 3
My Bible reading was in the gospels, concerning John the Baptist, the Temptation of Christ, and the beginning of his preaching. How amazing it must have been to be there, then. To have seen Him with one’s own eyes. It seems that you would have to believe. Yet I guess some didn’t. But it seems to me that those who didn’t believe were those who had something to lose; I.e. the priests who had power. Who had pride. And I guess it’s the same dynamic today. It is those who believe they are self-sufficient who cannot hear His message. It is those who have nothing who are glad of Jesus’ message. It was only when I realized that I am not enough, and that in fact I am in a very precarious position vis-à-vis the world that I found comfort in the word of God, that I was willing to even look.
So I guess things haven’t changed much, and who knows where I would have stood had I lived then. Though of course I would like to believe that I would have seen. That I would have accepted the Christ as the Savior. In reality, it probably depended a lot on one’s economic and political status. Much as it does today.
Another thing to think about is the form of the temptation Jesus was subjected to. He was tempted to make food for Himself when he was very hungry. That is important to me because it means He does know how it feels to be humanly hungry, a state of which we say, “I’d do anything for food.” Yet He didn’t do as he was tempted, which means hunger is not an excuse for doing wrong. Neither is the will to power, much as Neichtze would argue it to be. So He does understand those urges, and he can still say, “Don’t do it.” He, though, was perfect. I’m sure He knows we aren’t, and will forgive us. But still, I cannot use excuses. Let me never call wrong right. It’s still wrong, not matter what ways we try to justify it.
Lord, I admit willingly that I do wrong, even when I know it is wrong. Actually, I think I’m pretty aware of the wrongness of my actions almost all the time. Still I do these things, and in my human, petty ways, I try to justify myself to You. But deep down, I know I am a sinner, and that I’ve disappointed You again and again. Please help me not to try and fool myself anymore.

October 6
Another week almost over. My Bible reading today was in Matthew, and included the Sermon on the Mount. The beginning is comforting, the rest is demanding. The commandments are things I’ve know since I was a child, yet reading them again, now, I realize that I am a sinner through and through. I am selfish and hateful. I have and still do hold some grudges. I have not succeeded in loving my enemies. I am selfish – I see the poverty and misery all around me and do nothing to alleviate it. I have so many excuses for why not. But in the end, will I not also be like Schindler, saying, “I could have saved more?” I know this will be all of our fates. And I am so lazy that I don’t even really want to do better. I want to be able to recognize my own evil and have that be good enough. I am indeed a miserable creature next to those who please You. How can I change myself? Maybe I can’t. I invite You, Father of Heaven, to change me. But let me not forget that I must do the work. I need to do more than pray and read the Bible. I know this. I’m frightened to change. I have not learned to trust. I want to learn. I want to be a Light. I want to shine with Your Light. You have said that we are blessed if we are persecuted in Your name. I have prided myself that I would be able to withstand torture. But I am not even able to risk being rejected by a few anthropologists. I am so weak. And my pride, besides being evil, is empty.
I keep trying to want to do better. I know I am not trying hard enough. It’s like starting a new habit. It’s difficult, and I feel myself failing. It involves thinking in a new way. Making new pathways for my neurotransmitters. But I know it isn’t impossible.
When You walked this earth and You helped people, You told them that their sins were forgiven. Does that mean that it is our own individual sin that makes us diseased and broken? It would be just, in my case. But what about little children, babies? What could they have done? And if it is our own sin, then why are we not healed when we believe in You, and ask that our sins be forgiven? It seems it must be more complex than that. We must suffer because of Original Sin, because we are separated from You, just by the nature of being human.
So when You healed them, You were pardoning them for being human. But didn’t You make them (us) human in the first place? How can You make an imperfect thing, and then require perfection from it? I don’t think I’m really questioning You. I know it’s just that I don’t understand. And I probably never will.
The Problem of Evil indeed. Greater minds than mine have been stumped by this one. After watching Schindler’s List last night, it is impossible not to ask why. Why did these terrible things happen? Why are they still? Why do You let it go on? I know You gave us free will. We have choices. We can choose to be so terrible. How can there be enough hate to make the Holocaust happen? I see that those of who do not act to stop such things are just as guilty. Indifference has always seemed worse to me than hate. Is our greatest sin that we do not trust You? Do you see that it is difficult because we know that You will allow us to suffer greatly? Not to make an excuse, but it is hard. We are to trust in a world beyond this one. But all we can see is this one, and we in the West have chosen to believe only what we see. Though I do believe You are there, it is a fight against all my conditioning to act for You, for the Beyond, instead of for this world that I can see. I want to, though. Please accept my puny attempts to try. Please acknowledge my good intentions and help me make them real.

October 11
My Bible reading was pretty heavy today. Matthew 6 and 7, Luke 7 and part of 8. Jesus tells us that we cannot serve two masters; money and God. Also tells us that we are not to worry about tomorrow; not about food or clothing or trouble. That’s really hard.
[My little sister] and I were talking about this the other day, and she said she wasn’t sure about all that, because look at all the people who are starving. She cited Rwanda as an example. So I was thinking about that, and about what Mom said; namely that if we were all doing as we are supposed to, she thought that wouldn’t be happening. So my thought is, that she’s right. If, as a nation, we were concerned with God’s will, instead of a profit, we would handle all our foreign affairs differently, and we would know what to do, we would have had a lot of practice at feeding the hungry, perhaps we’d even be able to stop wars with love. Mom is right. Another thing is that crises like the one in Rwanda give us an opportunity to do the right thing. A great chance to do great good. And we never take it. We Americans have the means to change people’s lives across the globe. And we never do it.
The third part of all this is that we are to trust God. Not trust Him to keep us from all harm, but trust Him, that when we walk in His path all that befalls us is His will. Father, I thank you for my life today. Thank you for the opportunity to learn in school and from books. Thank you for all the opportunities I will have to be kind to someone today. Thank you for yet another chance to learn to do Your will. Please be with me today, and guide my steps.

October 20
Lord, I am confused about Your word. It seems to say two different things. One, that You are very demanding, and that anyone who is weak and makes mistakes isn’t worthy to follow You. And two, that You seek to save even the worst of us, and that You are gentle and patient. It leaves me wondering, because I know that by one measurement, I am in no way worthy to kiss Your feet, let alone follow You. But by the other I have hope that You will forgive me. Is there a message here that is supposed to be clear, that I am just making complicated and obscure? Or is this a truly ambiguous message that we are meant to ponder over? For now, all I can do is admit my unworthiness, and pray that You will forgive me anyway, and let me be Your servant. I am, at least, willing to be willing. I need so much of Your help. People here on earth say I am a good person, but Lord, I know that You see my heart, and that it is full of pride, stubbornness, anger, and sometimes deceit, as well as selfishness. I know that you are not fooled by my mask, and I am grateful. It is freeing to be seen, to be witnessed as I really am. And it makes it possible for me to ask You honestly and humbly for Your help. I want to overcome these things. I don’t want to keep hardening my heart against You, as I know I so often do. How can I open myself more to Your will? Prayer. Thank You for that answer.
Okay. Then I ask your help in putting aside time for prayer – for listening, instead of the non-stop talking I do. Yes. This feels like the answer.

October 22
My spiritual question of the day is wondering about all the people, just in America, who have led incredible lives, and were really good people, but who weren’t or aren’t Christians. Will they be in heaven?
We watched Unsolved Mysteries last night, and there was a story about a man who’d had a near-death experience. Because of it his whole life had changed. Before, he was a mean bully, and when he “died” he say and felt what each of his cruel acts had done to people through the years. He was also shown 16-18 future events, like the end of the Cold War and the Gulf War. He came back with psychic powers, supposedly, but more importantly, he became an altruistic person, dedicating his life to helping others. He didn’t state whether or not he was a Christian, but I felt he wasn’t. So what about him? Where will he go when he dies? I am confused because in one part of the Bible Jesus says, “He who is not against me is for me,” and in another, “He who is not for me is against me,” and these two messages are not the same. Will that man be seen as for Jesus, since he wasn’t against Him? Or will he be judged as being against Jesus, since he wasn’t specifically for Him?
And what about all the other good people, like G and S? Lord, you said that no one can come to the Father except by You. Does that mean all these others will be locked out? You also said that, “He who seeks shall find.” But it seems to me that there are a lot of people in this country who are seeking desperately, but who aren’t finding anyone or anything. Only You can know whether they are really seeking or not, but they seem to be.
And it is said somewhere else in the Bible that some people will listen but not be able to hear, because You have closed their ears and hearts. That doesn’t seem fair. I know I’m just a human with limited understanding and ways of knowing, but it doesn’t seem fair to me to make people blind and then punish them for not seeing. I’m sorry, but I just don’t understand. I feel sad for all those people who are knocking, and I don’t see why I’ve been allowed to hear, at least a little bit. It seems I could just as easily been one of those who never saw Your light – and if that had been so, would it have been my fault? Or Yours, for blocking my ears? Is there any difference made in Your judgment between the two?
I do believe You are fair, and that Your judgments are just. I’m sure I cannot see this issue clearly because I am too small. But still, Lord, I want to ask You for compassion on those people, and on myself, for not understanding. I realize that for myself, I only do not find what I’m not seeking hard enough. I will keep trying. I desire so much to be with You, to have Your presence every day in my life, and to do Your will. Please help me, to see Your will and do it. Please do not keep my eyes from seeing nor my ears from hearing.
Another thing I need to speak to You about, Lord, is my molestation . . . But God, I don’t want to put my responsibility onto someone else. At what age am I responsible for the things that happened? I do not seek punishment for those who have hurt me. And I don’t want to accuse anyone of abusing me when it is really my fault that it happened. I also don’t want to use it to get more attention or sympathy than I deserve. But I also want it to be understood that I was hurt. Is that wrong, Lord? I need Your guidance, because I’m not really sure a) what all happened, b) who is at fault, c) if I’m entitled to any understanding or sympathy, and d) when I am using it to manipulate people into treating me in certain ways, or excusing me.
For example, yesterday I really wanted to be excused for being distant, selfish and nasty, on the basis of the fact that I was abused. Now, I know it is wrong to use it like that. But I think there may be some truth to the fact that my behavior today is influenced by what happened in the past. And again, age seems to figure into it. For instance, am I guilty for being sexually precocious as a teenager if it was due to abuse as a child? I mean, is there some age at which we aren’t held completely responsible for our actions?
I guess in some ways it doesn’t mater, because I know that You can and have forgiven me for my past. But it does matter, because if today it is wrong for me to blame someone else, then each time I do it I’m sinning. I feel like I need to know exactly who is responsible for what. I just don’t know if You agree with modern psychology that it is never the child’s fault. Psychology lets a lot of people off the hook when You would hold them to a higher standard. Or so I think, anyway. So where do I stand? Please be with me and guide me as I struggle with this. And please have mercy on me and comfort be because regardless of whether or not it was all my fault, I’ve been hurt and damaged by it.

October 24
[after several pages of questioning my own motives]
Lord, I want to be a good servant to You. But you see how bad I am? How involved in self I am? How can I ever be worthy even to call myself Yours? Protect me from pride, for I can even manage to be proud of how awful I am. How irredeemable. How sick. I feel like a hopeless case. And all I can say for myself is that I will keep trying to do better. I think sometimes that I am too smart. Too rational. My brain is so loud that it will not let my heart believe or hope or have faith. Father, I throw myself on your mercy.
Just to show you how convoluted it all is – I have to ask myself whether the writing about this is just another way to give myself strokes for being so honest with myself, or manipulating people way in the future who might read this to think I was too hard on myself. It never ends!

October 26
It occurred to me that I am at the stage with my guilt where I was when I left Christianity at age 18. It hasn’t developed through the years. Instead I’ve picked it up right where I left off. And I think it was a large part of the reason I quit being a Christian – because this issue of guilt seemed unresolvable. I am determined to resolve it somehow this time, so that I can move on and grow up spiritually. I will not let it drive me again away from God. But I see that I am going to need help.
My reading in the Bible today will have to be read again because it just confused me.

October 30
My Bible reading is just confusing me. Jesus seems to vacillate between being really harsh and really gentle. Lord, please help me to understand Your words. I feel that my capacity to truly take in Your lessons has been shut down. I don’t know if by You or by me.

November 21
Monday morning. I slept in late, then read my bible and read a little of C.S. Lewis to S. I read the rest of Galatians this morning, and I get really confused and irritated reading Paul’s letters. Lord, I know You must have chosen him and preserved his words, and I know I have no right to judge him. But I don’t understand how he can claim to be so like You. He isn’t humble in his writings at all. Maybe he didn’t need to be. But it is a stumbling block to me. Please help me get over it. Help me to understand what he is saying. I feel this is going to be a long struggle for me. Please help me to stick with it. Help me to hear what You are saying through him. Thank you. And thank you for Lewis, who helps me understand, and inspires me to do better. I am so weak.

November 22
Read James this morning. Oh Father. I sin in nearly everything I do, and sin also in the things I do not do. How will I ever live up to all you ask of me? I believe in You, yet how much has my life really changed? I read the Bible every morning, and I pray more often, but my works, my doing, really hasn’t changed. It seems I am unwilling, truly, to give myself to You. I don’t know what to do to change it. I am so lazy. I guess that’s the bottom line. I can’t even feel generous about the amount of time I’ve spent making gifts for people, because I’ve only done what I’ve wanted to do, and have used it as a way to avoid doing what I should be doing. I have a hard time motivating myself to do what I am supposed to do, let all the additional things I could be doing in the community.

December 1
I have been reading my Bible every morning, but I feel as if there is a veil over my mind, and I am just not able to understand or take in what I’m reading. My irritation with Paul – his writing style, his egoism – gets in the way. Its disappointing, because I really thought that once I got into the New Testament all, or at least much, would become clear. I guess it isn’t going to be that easy, eh?
Well, Father, I hope You will grant me enough time on this earth to struggle successfully with Your word. I mean, of course, not that I will conquer it, but that it will conquer me. More things need to change inside me. I know. But it feels like so much has to be done right now that I don’t have time to be introspective. I’ll keep reading and praying and asking You to work in me. I’m sorry, but it feels like all I have to give you right now are my preoccupations.



It is really difficult for me to present these excerpts without additional commentary. I see things so differently now, and even as I post these, I gain new insights into what might have been going on with me. But I'm going to save that for another day and let this be what it is for right now.

1993 - A Downward Turn in the Spiral

I Can't Say it Was a Bad Year, But . . .

It certainly was different from the year before, and it was difficult. At the time, it felt like I'd taken several giant steps backward. I can see now that it was, in fact, forward progress. One sometimes has to revisit painful episodes and in fact, I have had to revisit these painful things over and over again in my life in order to work through them. Most of my journaling was the processing of that very difficult work, and only a very little of it directly relates to my spiritual journey. But here are a handful of excerpts that provide some flavor and context and help to explain later twists and turns. That awful black pit of self-loathing reappeared and blotted out almost everything else:



August 9, 1993 (24 years old)
Which reminds me that I haven’t been doing much of anything about my own spirituality. I have prayed some – just Thank you, thank you, thank you, mostly, because I’ve been so blessed. I am truly grateful, and have been trying to maintain an “attitude of gratitude.” I guess I’ve partly decided that if I can’t operate from a place of love all the time, perhaps I can operate from a place of thanksgiving. I can try, anyway. Perhaps if I really do that right, it will gradually become a place of love. I know when I’m really paying attention, consciously taking note of everything around me that I’m grateful for, I can’t help feel love for whatever Power gave me all this, and I also feel love for the things I have. My love for my friends becomes immeasurably strengthened, fuller, more all encompassing. It’s hard to be petty and self-absorbed while you are appreciating and giving thanks for the world you live in and the life you have been given. I’ve certainly never done anything to deserve this miraculous life. It is grace.

October 31, 1993
God. I’m falling back into a horrible place today. It’s so difficult to find out what is true. I’m feeling ugly and bad today. S [my current boyfriend] says he loves me, but I’m so worried. What if he loves an illusion? What if Dad is right? And how can I change if I don’t even understand what makes me evil? What is it about me that my father can see but no one else can? How can I find out? I guess in therapy, and trying even harder to be honest with myself. The work ahead of me feels so daunting today. I don’t even know how to begin. I’m supposed to call my parents this weekend, but I don’t think I will. I’m not ready to tell them about school yet [I had withdrawn for the semester], and they are going to ask sometime. . . I don’t want to tell them right now, because I don’t even know how I feel about them. Am I angry and hurt because they don’t like me, or am I guilty of being evil and afraid to tell them anything because they’ll see right through me to the real reasons I’m not in school? In which case maybe I should talk to them to find out my own ulterior motives, since I’ve so cleverly hidden them from myself. If I have them. Jeez, I’m confused. Am I good or bad? If I’m okay, how can I explain why my parents, particularly my Dad, dislike me so much? What have I done that they could interpret as evil without either them or me actually being bad people?
And how am I supposed to go through the days as if nothing is wrong with me until I figure it all out? How can I accept love from S when I know there is a good chance he’s giving it to an evil monster? And the killer is, no one believes me when I say I may be really bad. But how can they ignore the evidence? And of course, we all want love, so I’m probably not completely honest or convincing when I tell him because I don’t really want him to stop loving me.
What I want is to be able to tell someone all the things about me that I know are bad and have them still love me. And I have tried to do that with S, but there are things – the worst things- that I’ve held back. And until I remember all the molestation stuff and tell it to someone, I will never really know if I’m truly loveable or not. I guess that is the bottom line. And I can’t even remember it all. Maybe not because I’m afraid of what was done to me – maybe I’m really afraid of what I did.
Jesus Christ! How do I get beyond that one? I have tried so many times to face the truth about myself, and been ready to go to hell on the spot if need be, but I always come out feeling better about myself, and what could that be except that I’ve managed to fool myself again? Maybe humans can’t allow themselves to see the really awful truth about themselves because if we did we’d kill ourselves and wouldn’t reproduce to keep the species alive. At least some of us would. Its like a leftover part of our reptile brain – it never lets me see how bad I really am. But my father sees it. Maybe because he is a minister and he’s more used to dealing with evil. Maybe it isn’t even anything I’ve done. Maybe he can just smell it. And if that’s true – if it isn’t even something I’ve done, but just something I am – what am I supposed to do about it? How can I even find out? How get rid of it? Would I maybe just have to die?
I think I’m just going to go escape into a book or some music or something. I feel like I’ve reached saturation. I mean, what am I supposed to do with all these feelings?

November 30
I want to write something from the book [If I should Die Before I Wake, by Michelle Morris]. She’s talking about when she was introduced to Christianity, and she says, “Suddenly my own plight was illuminated with meaning. The purpose of my misery was to win grace, an ethereal substance that would flow into my soul until my death.” God! I remember feeling this way – to be a martyr – that must be the purpose of my life – I believed that!



Toward the end of this year of intensive personal work, I felt a deep need to reconnect with my family, with my parents. I sought their forgiveness for the terrible ways I had treated them when I was a teen. I wanted desperately to reestablish the closeness we had when I was a child, before I was molested by a neighbor. I believe now (but I didn't realize until very recently) that it was largely that longing that turned me back toward Christianity again when I re-emerged from the darkness in search of a personal faith.