Connections of Different Sorts

February 2, 2009

I’m worrying about my relationship with an old friend. It seems to be suffering because I no longer drink. Maybe that throws a wet blanket on everything. Because I don’t lose the thread of the conversation; I will follow but I don’t get lost in tangents, and am not bamboozled by ridiculous arguments. I don’t take the bait on those with near as much heat as I used to when I was similarly trashed. So maybe I’m just no fun to talk philosophy with anymore. Maybe I’ve grown too pedantic and teacherly and know-it-all.

I have caught myself lecturing a couple times. See, I discovered that with all his knowledge of Buddhism, Taoism and even the fringes of Jainism and Sikhism, he knows next to nothing about the central beliefs of Hinduism. He knows enough to mask his lack of knowledge and understanding, so he starts with “Which hinduism? Jains or Sikhs? The Bhagavad Gita? Isn’t that the battle on the Plain, where the Pandava clan . . .” blah, blah, blah. Yes, but what is the message of the Gita? What does Krishna say in it? No clue. See? Slippery fellow to talk to. He begins to make you feel like a heel for daring to suggest he hasn’t fully considered all the aspects of something (all the while insisting he knows nothing so you cannot have hurt his pride), but if you push at the structure, you realize it is a house of cards. And then he says, “Well yeah, I told you I don’t really know anything about all this stuff. I don’t really care about it, either. Just something to pass the time.”

So I was lecturing him a bit, because I wanted him to at least have the alternate, Sanatana Dharma, jnana yoga, Upanishad and Gita reality in his head, as something to contrast to his very negative, life-denying and judgmental mixed up combo of Buddhism and Calvinism he’s got right now. He’s tied together the Buddha’s view that all life is suffering and there are no actions that relieve the suffering permanently except detachment, with his father’s beliefs that this world is run by Satan. So he has pretty well programmed himself to see only the negative, only death, sickness, greed, dissolution, evil, etc. And he sees no hope for the world; he doesn’t believe in a redeeming savior, he is not really even seeing Buddha as a figure that helps pull the raft. Pretty hopeless. And he really hasn’t stressed much of the compassion. He doesn’t seem to remember that the Buddha was always laughing and smiling; he wasn’t walking around wailing and glum.

There also isn’t much room for action. There isn’t any point so why bother? On the one hand, humans got themselves into this mess and will have to get themselves out. On the other, he doesn’t believe in actually working toward that end. Or at least, he’s been going around in circles about that for the ten years I’ve known him, freely admitting it might be an excuse to avoid having to do anything. A decade is a pretty long time to be in the same place philosophically and spiritually. I devoutly pray I will not remain in the same place I am right now for 10 days, let alone 10 years.

Chapter 8 of the CU will help me along the path. It begins by saying that inside “this fort of brahman,” meaning our bodies, “There is a small lotus, a dwelling place. And in that lotus there is a space. That is what you should try to discover.” The space is smaller than an atom and larger than the galaxy. It does not age, is never sick, is not killed, does not die, and no evil attaches to it. It is the eternal, joyful, blissful part of us that we should seek to know.

February 3
In the CU 8.2 it says that you get whatever kind of heaven you want. A person who has fully found that space inside the lotus – “If such a person desires the world of fathers, by his intention alone fathers rise up. And securing the world of fathers, he rejoices.” Or the world of mothers, brothers, sisters, friends, perfumes and garlands, food and drink, singing and music, women – whatever he desires. Okay, so it is not heaven, it is here on earth. Once you know the true Self, you control Reality.

Then again . . . 8.3 is impenetrable. It says all the desires (real) are masked by (unreal) desires. Though real, they wear an unreal mask “for when someone close to him departs from the world, he doesn’t get to see him here.” But, all the things he desires but doesn’t get, he will get by going there, “. . . for these real desires, masked by the unreal, are located there.”
Where is “there”? Okay, it can’t be heaven, or after death, even though the example is a departed loved one, because of the context. We are talking about that lotus-space in the heart, the dwelling place of atman.

And 8.3.2-4 confirms by saying it is like a buried treasure; those who don’t know it is there will tramp over it every day, never realizing they are walking on gold. In the same way, the people and creatures use and go into their own hearts every day, they never suspect such power is right there. “The name of brahman is Real (satyam).” I note that because my novel is all about people deciding what is “real” and what is not – creating and sharing reality in that way. [Probability Moon by Nancy Kress].

This is interesting and I need to share it with Mara. 8.4 “Now, this self is a dike, a divider, to keep these worlds from colliding with one another.” Doesn’t it seem more like “to keep them from flowing into one another” than colliding? Either way, we can and will pass over the dike eventually, into where old age, illness, death and evil cannot follow.
Oh man, this is so cool! But to explain why it is so cool, I have to explain so much about the novel I’m reading. I wasn’t planning to, but I just got to the point where she (Kress) explains the most recent scientific theories about the quantum basis of thought, of human consciousness. Our understanding of how the mind works is still limited, but it has gotten far enough to tell us that our first idea, electromagnetism, is certainly occurring but does not explain everything that happens in the brain. The second idea, neurochemicals, transmitters, was a huge leap forward and explained so much more. We can now analyze and tinker with brain chemistry in a much more sophisticated way than with electicity or – I guess what was really first, plain old mechanics – just anatomy – open it up and chop something out and see what happened.
But even neurochemistry doesn’t explain it all. “The electrical impulse hits the presynaptic grid; it has a measurable, constant voltage, the same voltage across all neurons. But sometimes it causes a release of neurotransmitters and sometimes it doesn’t. The probablility of release varies from .17 to .62 depending on the kind of neuron. And no one really knows why.” (Kress 200:128)
See, the problem is this – why do we have thoughts with no external stimuli? That’s one of the problems. And why, given that constant electrical impulse, does the exact same stimulus only have a 17-62% chance of causing some mental reaction?
Because, maybe, we are dealing with quantum effects. Probability waves. At the end of every nerve synapse we have vesicular grids. Billions of them. They are what control how much neurotransmitter is released with each nerve impulse. “Paracrystalline vesicular grids are very small. They operate according to the laws of quantum physics. They can cause quantum events outside their energy barrier, because part of their quantum probability field lies there. More and more, it looks like that is how consciousness affects the brain. Through altering the prbability field. There’s no other way for a purely mental event, such as deciding to get up from your chair, to produce an effect in the natural world without violating the law of the conservation of energy.” P.275
And when you start talking quarks, you bring in quantum entanglement. This has so many implications I can’t think through them all right now. It applies directly to my belief that metaphor is the mind’s language, not linear, digital, binary code. But check out what the very next part of the CU 8th chapter says, that blew me away with its timing:
In 8.5.3 it mentions two rivers “in” a “land” of brahman, kind of like a metaphor for perfect bliss and joy. These rivers are called “the rivers of the heart.” So in 8.6 it says these rivers flow like or with the rays of the sun, like a long highway they traverse the worlds, the one “up there” and the one “down here.” When we sleep and dream peacefully, we have slipped into those rivers and been transported to the sun “up there.” No evil can disturb us because we aren’t even here, not “really.” When we die, we rise up along these same rays, with the sound OM. “No sooner does he think it than he reaches the sun.” That’s the line that really grabbed me. “It is the door to the farther world, open to those who have knowledge, closed to those who do not.” 8.7.4

June 4-7 , 2007

June 4, 2007

[More detailed discussion of history of relationship with Dad, Mom, their divorce, etc.]

It feels good to have let go of my need for him to be a certain way. I guess I am coming out the other side of grief. I had to let myself mourn the breaking of the family and the loss of the father figure I had in my mind. It is kind of strange, like a hole where there once was an aching tooth. Keep poking it with the tongue, but the pain just isn't there anymore. Wow. I guess all this stuff I'm doing is actually working.

I think it happened this way: once I saw what I was doing, that I was trying to force Dad into my image (or imago, as the object-relations folks would have it), and that I was angry at another human being when I don't know what their path will bring them . . . Once I was able to see that Dad's true Self is God, is like my true Self, IS my true Self, I just didn't feel angry or even hurt anymore. Strange, but true.

The world really is what we think it is; we can utterly change our relation to the world by thinking something different. Wow. I just keep being amazed, filled with wonder and with joy.

Quickly, let me write about the Gita's message today.

The faith each man has, Arjuna,
Follows his degree of lucidity;

A man consists of his faith,

And as his faith is, so is he. v.17:3

This is kind of what I was just saying. As my faith in the wisdom of Krishna deepens, my self changes. As I acknowledge in my heart the truth of the Gita, my views, attitudes, beliefs, emotions and values change. With little conscious attention or effort, my self has emptied of anger and become full of compassion. What an amazing, beautiful thing – more so because I can feel it is just the beginning, just a small taste of what will come if I become more disciplined. I have yet to follow Easwaran's suggestion of meditating 30 minutes a day on a text (for me St. Francis' prayer). I will do that. I'll get there, and I feel so excited about what further miracles might happen inside me.

June 7

I am in the 18^th and last Teaching: The Wondrous Dialogue Concludes. Always relevant, the Gita here is speaking of renunciation and relinquisment. Krishna brings up a debate:

Some wise men say all action

Is flawed and must be relinquished;

Others say action in sacrifice, charity,

And penance must not be relinquished. v.3

Krishna declares his decision, which must be taken as final. The very fact that he makes a decision says to me that God, brahman, does learn and change. Krishna decides that action is not to be totally relinquished, i.e. we are not to sit down in a monestary or under a tree and never get up again.

Action in sacrifice, charity,

And penance is to be performed,

Not relinquished – for wise men,

They are acts of sanctity. v. 5

But even these actions

Should be done by relinquishing to me

Attachment and the fruit of action –

This is my decisive idea. v. 6

We are to perform prescribed actions. So, rituals, prayers, all the traditional Hindu stuff. Do the labor prescribed by our stations in life, and our caste. Applied to me – I need to do the work of being a daughter, sister, wife, friend and the work of teaching, service and research. Maybe also some religious ritual. Do these things as best I can, but relinquish the fruits; do not become attached. If I get good evaluations, I need to offer them up in loving sacrifice. Don't allow pride and individuality to delude me into taking personal credit. Same with all my actions.

A man burdened by his body

Cannot completely relinquish actions,

But a relinquisher is defined

As one who can relinquish the fruits. v. 11
We have these bodies for a reason. We decided to be bodies in the first place. And because of nature's qualities, the gunas, we must act. But it isn't me that acts, it is nature. In v. 16, Krishna says that a person who sees himself as the agent of his own actions "cannot be said to see."

He goes on to explain things I don't really get, and don't feel ready to completely get, about agency, action and knowledge. It seems like it might be a useful expositon for my research, as well as my life, but I'm not in a mental space to completely decipher the meaning.

Know that through lucid knowledge

One sees in all creatures

A single, unchanging existence,

Undivided within its divisions v. 20

I think this is enough for one day . . . one lifetime. Keep remembering that all existence is one. That will greatly help my relationships at work if I just hold on to it.

June 8

[After reading the evaluations from my spring courses – one class took a big dive]

I really need to dive into the Gita! I am feeling so hurt, and like such a failure. Which is incorrect – I did not fail. I made some mistakes, I'm not perfect, but I didn't fail. And the students are commenting about a course, and how it went for them. They are evaluating the instruction; not me as a human being. And furthermore, it isn't my Self – its just whitethoughts, who is learning an awful lot this life about a lot of things. Stumbling is supposed to happen.

So I'm going to re-read the 18^th Teaching. What will I do after that? I may start again at the beginning, but I do have another text . . . we'll see.

An agent called pure

Has no attachment or individualism,

Is resolute and energetic,

Unchanged in failure or success v.26

An agent said to be passionate

Is anxious to gain the fruit of action,

Greedy, essentially violent, impure,

Subject to excitement and grief. v. 27

An agent defined by dark inertia

Is undisciplined, vulgar, stubborn,

Fraudulent, dishonest, lazy,

Depressed, and slow to act. v. 28

In all of Krishna's descriptions in this teaching and the previous, I see myself mostly in the passionate category. Like here, I am excited when my evaluations are good, full of grief when they are bad. I am greedy, anxious for the fruit. I put in so much work, and tried to offer it up, yet here I am, still attached to the work and greedy for results. There are sometimes hints of dark inertia. I feel as if I am still fighting the tempation to be lazy and depressed. I know I'm stubborn and terribly undisciplined about some things.

So I am sitting in passion, but closer to dark inertia than to lucidity. I see the goal. I can be resolute and energetic. I need to use what energy I have to become immune to failure and success. Let go of the fruit of action. Whether the class was a success or not depended on a lot things and people. When things go well, who is that for? Not for me. I offer that up in sacrifice. Need to let go of the failure, as well.

I teach because it is my dharma to teach. I try to improve because I hope my students will come to understand more things. Not because it will bring glory or prestige, but because that is what I am here to do.

Each one achieves success

By focusing on her own action;

Hear how one finds success

By focusing on her own action v.45

Arjuna, a (wo)man should not relinquish

Action she is born to, even if it is flawed;

All undertakings are marred by a flaw,

As fire is obscured by smoke. v.48

Justifications for the caste system, but I can see utility in these verses. Keep doing what I am supposed to do. Don't worry too much about the flaws inherent in any system. Just do the work and let the chips fall where they may.

If I am in your thought, by my grace

You will trancend all dangers v.58

Different subject, but I love the verse:

You must not speak of this

To one who is without penance and devotion,

Or who does not wish to hear,

Or who finds fault with me. v.67

An anti-conversion stance. I love it.

It's Okay to Be a Three Year Old (June 1-3, 2007)

To think there was a moment I was worried I might lose the pain before I could learn enough! Seems a little silly, in retrospect. Obviously, I haven't learned near enough yet, as I keep learning the same lessons over and over again. It seems like every couple weeks my body lets me know it has a new plan for how I can learn something more about either patience, humility, or something equally wonderful to have and equally unpleasant to actually obtain. I'm afraid I'm being particularly dense this time around about accepting things as they are. I find myself railing against the endless winter though it is only February, and being angry when it seems I went through surgery for nothing because the problems are reasserting themselves, or when new physical problems develop. I wish my larger Self, the universe, God, my body - whoever is in charge - would just give me a little time to rest and recoup before I had to deal with another round.

Now, how is that for whining? And some of you thought you were good at it! hah! I'm telling you, I am not doing a good job of practicing detachment or acceptance. But I'm working on it.

June 1, 2007

It hasn't been easy, this past week. In fact, it has been so hard that I feel I'll never recover. I'm sure that can't actually be true. I hope and pray that in a week, this will be all-but-forgotten and I'll be revelling in the relief the epidural will bring. Please let it! I'm worried that the shot isn't going to work, that all of this will have been for nothing, physically, since it hasn't kicked in yet. I guess I could look it up in my journal, see for sure how long it took last time. It was gradual, snuck up on me. Perhaps if my head and spine weren't hurting, the side would also stop.

I simply have to accept that I am doing what I can. Make sure that I am doing all I can, and let the rest go.

I had some success yesterday, remembering I am not whitethoughts. Still seems funny to write. Keep thinking that if I progress along the path I'm travelling, the purpose of journaling will change or go away. Why spend so much time writing about an "I" that doesn't exist? Still a long way away. I still believe in whitethoughts. Things are shifting in me. I've begun to feel, when I slip into begging, that I am praying to my Self. I still feel funny saying it because in the Western Christian context it sounds delusional, but my inner picture of God, of whom I am praying to, was first an overlay/hologram type image of Jesus/Krishna – meshed and overlapping and coming in and out of focus. But now I'm starting to see me in there as well, and J, and Indy. A good step, in part because it highlights the ridiculousness of begging for anything – from one's self? If one has the power to affect reality, just do it! Alas, I'm not that capable of directing my will yet. Probably for the damn good reason that I'm not remotely wise enough to use that power correctly.

For example, would I have given myself the lesson in humility, helplessness, detachment and meditation of last week? No WAY! I would give J a job – a high paying teaching job, and take away my own pain. Pretty amazingly selfish, eh? First thought wasn't about Doug, or our goddaughters, or Mom and Dad. So – okay. Thank goodness I don't have (conscious and direct) access to the reality machine. In which case, don't expect begging to disappear right away. Begging is a relief, a release. Begging may be the wrong word, but really that is what it is. Pleading? Throwing myself on the mercy of whoever is in charge?

Point – I am at least beginning to figure it out. That I – or my real Self is in control. What I'm finding, by thinking of myself in the third person, is that my compassion for myself grows. I do begin to see her and her struggles more objectively. But also it is bleeding over into how I see J, and my compassion and love for him also grows. It's after 7, so let me just say this – the 15^th Teaching supports the identification I am making between my Self and Krishna/Jesus/God.

When the lord takes on a body

And then leaves it . . . v.8

Men of discipline who strive

See him present within themselves;

But without self-mastery and reason,

Even those who strive fail to see. v. 11

I dwell deep

In the heart of everyone v. 15

Other is the supreme spirit of man,

Called the supreme self,

The immutable lord who enters

And sustains the three worlds v.17

Whoever knows me without delusion

As the supreme spirit of man

Knows all there is, Arjuna –

He devotes his whole being to me. v.19

June 2

[Detailed discussion of session with pain therapist]

Phyllis had an inspiration while watching me meditate, that mudras might be helpful for me.

I know for sure there are important things to learn from pain. Maybe I have to get to the point where I am truly grateful for each twinge before the pain will go away. Wow; it's hard to get there. I am fighting resentment. I know in my head that life is not fair, that all we ought to expect is more suffering, and that in the grand scheme of things, I have it very easy. I know that there are parts of me that feel resentful toward God and the Universe and all these other people walking around with no pain. Couldn't they stand to learn some patience? Some non-attachment? Disinterest? Sacrifice? Love? Why me?

Oh geez. Silly! Because I know why me! Because me wants to learn those things. My larger Self, for sure. But even my conscious self. I want, with all my heart, to be a better person. So the pain is a way to do that. The pain is a gift, given in love, to provide me an opportunity to learn to be a better person, in all the ways I understand that to mean, and probably more. That means I can't waste it. What if it heals, goes away without my learning anything? Wouldn't that be terrible? I should appreciate every precious moment, as they may go away and never come again. Wow. Can I do that? What does it mean about pain medication? I don't think I'm ready to embrace the pain so much that I give that up totally. I do still have to work. But maybe I can begin to ask myself, if it isn't to do a duty, fulfill a responsibility, at those times I can let the pain be what it is. Even with the meds, there is plenty of pain to learn from.

I guess the lesson for today is that one must fulfill one's duty regardless of discomfort.

June 3

[Discussion of pain (always), work to be done (always) and the proper use of a journal]

One thing I'm consciously working on is getting better control over my thoughts. I have always spent a lot of mental energy replaying conversations, having imaginary confrontations, and especially fixating on moments and issues that angered or hurt me. Easwaran – and of course the Gita – reiterate that we must have mental discipline. Not just when sitting down to meditate but all of the time. Why do I allow my mind to replay a hurtful scene, or to dwell on a slight, or imagine a thousand different ways my students might hate me? Yes, occasionally it is helpful to rehearse something, but most of the time such yammering serves no helpful purpose. So I have been trying to catch myself each time my mind begins. And here again the mantra saves me. I attempt to redirect my mind's attention to the mantra, and let go of the replay or rehearsal. It is quite difficult. A minute later I find my mind has returned to the same old sad story, and I have to re-direct it, over and over. Easwaran promises, based on a lot of experience, that eventually I will have to redirect it less often, and that it will become less frequent that the mind even begins down that road.

Easwaran promises that each repetition of the mantra is like one shovel-full of dirt, bringing us closer to the center as we dig our way down. Thus the mental energy that was getting wasted in an imaginary argument is now being used, being harnessed, to bring us closer to god.

I have so many opportunities for this. Perhaps everyone is like this, but I feel I may be one of the worst offenders, as my mind is a real chatterbox. It never shuts up. If I can manage this turnaround, it will mean I have made an automatic-shovel, and can be digging my way toward God at a constant, steady pace. A way to turn a negative personality trait into a positive god-seeking tool.

Also, I want to report that I have more moments that I used to in which my mind is still. It is wonderful. Obviously, as soon as I recognize the stillness I've created a ripple, but maybe I'll get better about just letting it be, as it becomes less of a novelty.

Hey – maybe that's why I've been able to enjoy going to the movies more – my mind is actually able to attend only to the film for longer chunks of time, instead of rattling on about other things. And all of this growth has happened before I've even been able to begin meditating! At least, meditating the way I intend to.

It's possible that I had to do some of this work, get some practice with the mantra, before I was able to meditate. My mind may have been so undisciplined that it simply couldn't bring itself to truly contemplate meditation. It was last Saturday I felt ready to try. But the headache was truly too intense and I just could not stand to sit up for the full 30 minutes. I feel ready again. I'm eager to see what results daily meditation will bring when I've begun to see such wonderful benefits from just getting better at remembering to say the mantra, and from studying the Gita, of course.

I am a little worried that I am too focused on the fruit. But I think I should let go of that worry. I am too focused on the fruit – the clear, calm mind. The loving, patient, wise personality. But oh well! We all have to start somewhere. I am not mature. Big deal. Neither are three year olds. They aren't bad for being three and not 30, or 90. That is just where they are. If, in terms of meditation, or self-discipline and contemplation, I am less evolved than an infant – well, so be it. I'm an infant. A fetus, even. I need to be more compassionate toward myself.

If my brain begins reciting an old argument or repeating a stupid song, there is no need to berate it, yelling and punishing and being mean, as is my wont. No, just gently correct. Gently redirect. A kindly, "No dear, let's think about God instead" is much more appropriate. I need to remember how young and immature this person is. There is no need to yell at her. Just kindly, with compassion, steer her into the right path.

I know Christianity does not have to be punitive, that in fact Jesus taught compassion and forgiveness. But I picked up very bad habits as a Christian; habits of self-hatred and self-punishment. I categorized my behavior as "bad" or "wrong" any time it was less than Jesus-like perfection, and took myself into terrible cycles of guilt and remorse and shame. I refuse to bring that baggage into this new place. There is no judgment here. No final Judgement Day, no hell, and no punishment except what you give yourself. Be who and where you are. Try to grow. Learn from your mistakes. Correct yourself when you catch yourself taking an unhelpful turn. That's it. No scourge. No inventive self-tortures. Those aren't helpful. They are not kind, patient, compassionate, gentle, forgiving, disinterested – and therefore are not true, not correct. So leave them alone.

There is a lot in the 16^th and 17^th Teachings about this. In the 16^th, The Divine and Demonic in Man, Krishna describes each type of man. The list of adjectives is worth memorizing and repeating, but here I want to note that they apply to one's dealing with oneself, too.

Hypocrisy, arrogance, vanity,

Anger, harshness, ignorance;

These characterize a man

Born with demonic traits v.4

Is it not hypocrisy to preach compassion and then be cruel to oneself? Is it not arrogance and vanity that cause me to think that I alone of all humans should be held to Jesus' standards for himself? What ego to believe I should be perfect at the start! Anger and harshness directed at myself – just a small creature – are just as wrong as if directed at someone else – a small child, a bunny rabbit.

Confused by endless thoughts,

Caught in the net of delusion,

Given to satisfying their desires . . . v. 16

Submitting to individuality, power,

Arrogance, desire, and anger,

They hate me and revile me

In their own bodies, as in others v. 18

And in the 17^th Teaching, Three Aspects of Faith, Krishna, is explaining the "threefold mature of faith inherent in the embodied self" v.2, and after describing sacrifices he says:

Men who practice horrific penances

That go against traditional norms

Are trapped in hypocrisy and individuality,

Overwhelmed by the emotion of desire v.5

Without reason, they torment

The elements composing their bodies,

And they torment me within them;

Know them to have demonic resolve v.6

I am no longer even self-disciplined enough to torture my body in penance, but since childhood this has been my bent. My sinfulness is in how I hypocritically require perfection from myself in exchange for love. It is hard for me to accept the verdict of hypocrisy. The thing I most dislike, most hate, in myself and others. But look how the word keeps showing up in the context of self-punishment. I can't deny it. Ouch. So I have to stop doing these things in my head.

My guess is, from the little experience I've had, that once I am able to be kinder to myself, I will find I'm more compassionate toward others, as well.

May 26 – 31, 2007

May 26, 2007

It's still a bit chilly to sit outside on the deck. I'm trying to wrap and tuck myself up so I can stay out here.

The Fourteenth Teaching: The Triad of Nature's Qualities

In the third verse, Krishna begins to explain how it is that nature exists, how all this matter of the universes comes into being. He uses words we can understand, wombs and embryos and seeds, but it seems a mistake to read this too literally. "My womb," he says, ". . . is Brahman; in it I place the embryo and from this comes the origin of all living creatures."

The infinite spirit is the great womb

Of all forms that come to be

In all wombs,

And I am the seed-giving father. v. 4

Brahman is feminine, Krishna masculine – but of course Krishna is brahman and so are we. So it's a way of explaining it. Somehow brahman splits itself – the first division? – Its parts we label in our way male and female.

The part that seems most revelatory to me right now is next, where Krishna explains how the infinite spirit makes itself into nature. Maybe limited by its own knowledge (maybe this is what we are learning to enable us to change form?) brahman creates nature, and nature has three qualities. Maybe it is that for there to be anything, there has to be a dark side. Or again, maybe that just appears to be true at this stage of brahman's growth. In any case, the worlds, or rather the substance out of which univeres and worlds are made is called "nature," and it has 3 parts – the gunas, or qualities of nature.

Recall that the last teaching concluded by saying we are not nature, we are free of nature. But it doesn't appear that way to us because we have participated in this experiment. Those parts that are ready to end the experiment must first understand the "nature" of their bondage, or the conditions of the participation.

Lucidity, passion, dark inertia

The qualities inherent in nature

Bind the unchanging

Embodied self in the body. v. 5

So there you go – this is the material that issues out of brahman, out of the womb. The three qualites are all intertwined. In verse 6, Krishna says lucidity binds us with attachment to joy and knowledge. Passion, v. 7, is emotional and binds us with attachment to action. Dark inertia, "born of ignorance, as the delusion of every embodied self" binds us with negligence, indolence and sleep. V.8.

One can see immediately why this is so; how could brahman play hide and seek without hiding? Each part of brahman that participates, each "self" must accept forgetting, ignorance, delusion. Without that, the experiment wouldn't be real. It must be built in, and so it must be that some selves either were able to forget better, or they reveled more in the delusion, or they were weaker and couldn't find their way out of the delusions for longer, or all three with different selves. Maybe the proportions of the gunas are a bit different, or were a bit different at the start. Why not? Some selves got more lucidity, some more passion, and some more dark inertia.

But of course these are simply the forms – the real Self, the omnipotent, omniscient, eternal Self, is in there, or above or something, and knows what's going on – the Lord, consenting and enjoying and watching how it plays out.

We can therefore manipulate the amounts of the qualities of nature. Give ourselves to passion and "greed and activity, involvement in actions, disquiet and longing arise" – this seems like the main goal of the experiment, since in v.18 Krishna says those who give themselves to passion 'stay inbetween" while those of lucidity go up and inertia go down.

Again, it isn't "wrong" to give oneself up to any of the three; it's all just about where you want to be.

When lucidity prevails,

The self whose body dies

Enters the untainted worlds

Of those who know reality v.14

This must/might be a real place, a very cool kind of "watcher" place, where we can watch the action and learn from it – maybe still in separate bodies. This is my idea of heaven!

When he dies in passion,

He is born among lovers of action;

So when he dies in dark inertia,

He is born into wombs of folly v. 15

The latter doesn't sound so good to me now, but perhaps it did at one time? And maybe I'm not really ready to leave the arena of passion, of action and emotion. I guess only time will tell. But certainly I yearn for that place of lucidity, that community of those "who know reality."

Arjuna asks how it is that we can come to realize we are not this nature at all – how can we cross over the gunas and get back to the Self, maybe to the Whole. Krishna responds:

He does not dislike light

Or activity or delusion;

When they cease to exist

He does not desire them v.22

It isn't like Christianity, Judaism or Islam where spiritual growth is in loving good more and hating evil more. No, there is no hate here. No dislike, even.

He remains disinterested

Unmoved by the qualities of nature;

He never wavers, knowing

That only qualities are in motion v. 23 (my emphasis)

So instead of being angry at myself, say, for eating brownies, I "should" only observe that the qualities of passion and of inertia are in motion. When I read about ignorant people doing hateful things, my emotions "should" not be disturbed, as again it is only the qualities of nature that are doing their thing – doing their part in the experiment I helped to design.

Disinterested here doesn't mean "having no interest," no curiousity. It means not being invested in a particular outcome. Like a good scientist, be intersted in how the data turn out, but not emotionally invested such that if an ant or a bacterium or a computer program does one thing we feel despair, if another happiness. Whatever the data are, they are "good," interesting.

Krishna repeats all he's said before about remaining indifferent to blame or praise, hot or cold. Abandoning involvement, and now it makes more sense. Like the analogy I've used in the past; if I were to play chess against myself to better understand the game, it truly wouldn't matter which side won. Either way, it's still me, and the purpose – to understand the game better – has been realized. This pain – it is a game. Whether I cry and wail, whether I give in and take medication, whether I learn to retreat into meditation – they will all have different results in my life and in the next life this self embodies. But they don't touch the real me except to give me more information.

Can I watch it unfold with dispassion? It has been an interesting life so far. Can I watch my Dad's life with disinterest? With compassion? Can I remember that his Self is learning, just like mine? It is the qualities of nature moving that I see, not Him, as He really is.

May 31

[In the intervening 5 days, I had a spinal headache from a mistake made during an epidural, when Dr. C "nicked the dura" in my spine, leaking spinal fluid into my brain. After a trip to the emergency room (where they diagnosed a migraine – wrong!) and an eventual blood patch, I was finally feeling better]

What a waste! Four days, completely lost! I did deepen my use of the mantra; I guess that makes it not a complete loss. Last time I wrote, Saturday, I really did try to meditate. I gave it 15 minutes, but could not hold the words through the pain of that headache. I really tried. Had to lie down, though, and then switched to the mantra and slept.

I clung to the mantra, repeating it endlessly, or countlessly, over the five days, and it helped me stay alive. Helped me find a place in myself where the body was not quite as loud or as powerful. Not exactly as Easwaran suggests – he doesn't say one should use mantram to enter meditative states, which is what those places were. But the whole experience deepened me, I think. I hope. Hope it wasn't a complete waste. I kept trying to remind myself that my Self had consented to this happening, had consented to my being in that pain, so I better try to figure out why.

Reciting the mantra was the only response I was able to muster, so I hope that was enough. Enough that my wonderful Self doesn't think I need any more of that pain right now, I hope.

I'm not sure why I was confused before by the 15^th Teaching: the True Spirit of Man. In it Krishna says what he has said before, just with different metaphors.

He begins with the idea of a tree – an upside down tree, whose roots are in the air, branches below. The Tree of Life, of nature, that is. The roots are the Truth, the Eternal Self, but the branches are the Self in nature, and are thus composed of the three gunas, I'm guessing.

Its branches

Stretch below and above,

Nourished by nature's qualites,

Budding with sense objects;

Aerial roots

Tangled in actions

Reach downward

Into the world of men. v. 2

Nourished by nature's qualities – lucidity, passion, dark inertia, the tree of life grows sense objects – worlds, right? – With all their visual, sensual parts. And by nature of its qualities, like passion, the branches get entangled in actions, karma. I guess I'm not adding much by what I'm writing, but I feel I'm "getting" it. In the third verse, he says, "cut down this tree with the axe of detachment."

Maybe it isn't really "cutting down the tree" which sounds violent and doesn't appeal to my "green" politics, but shifting the way one looks at the tree. Realize it is a game, a metaphor, a trick of the light. All through my hellish headache I tried to remember to practice that – detachment. I would say to myself – "Poor whitethoughts, she's having a terrible time with that headache!" I tried my hardest to remember, to KNOW, that it wasn't me, not my real Self, and to therefore be detached, disinterested. Let me tell you, that isn't easy.

And right now whitethoughts is waging a battle with her side. The pain wants to control her mind. Maybe not the battle epic songs will recount, but a plenty intense battle nonetheless, and all between parts of the same whole we call "whitethoughts". I just need to keep practicing this disinterest. Be a detached observor of my own life. Of whitethought's life. It will be interesting to see how she manages to catch up on all the work she's missed, and how she manages to get this summer class to come together around the description she wrote. Here's to her effort!

Really Starting to Get It

It has gotten cold again, and snowing again, and very, very busy again. I keep hoping to be able to write a post about what is going on here right now today, but it keeps not happening. On the other hand, I re-read these old journal entries and find I am rediscovering many of the same things all over again, so it doesn't really matter : ) Development really is a spiral path. I might as well have written some of this today as I was reading the Svetasvatara Upanishad, which was written in the early days of the tradition that produced the Bhagavad Gita, maybe 200-400 years earlier.

May 24, 2007

I'm ready to begin the Thirteenth Teaching – Knowing the Field

I'm sure this is more beautiful, less awkward, in Sanskrit. "The field denotes this body" v. 1

The field contains the great elements,

Individuality, understanding,

Unmanifest nature, the eleven senses,

And the five sense realms. v. 5

Are the great elements individuality and understanding? Or something else? I think the latter. Individuality (ahamkara) is the ego, literally the "I-maker". I get that. Understanding (buddhi) is the "collective rational powers, including intuitive intelligence and capacity to make reasoned judgments." It is distinct from mind. In the chariot analogy, the senses are the horses, the mind the reins, understanding the charioteer, and the self the owner of the chariot. So the field, this thing we are to come to know, is all of the above and unmanifest nature, which seems intriguingly out of place in this list. Krishna adds:

Longing, hatred, happiness, suffering,

Bodily form, consciousness, resolve,

This is the field with its changes

Defined in summary. v. 6

So the field is also preference – what I like and dislike and emotional response to having my preferences and attachments fulfilled or not. My body, my thoughts and my will. These are all the parts of the field that I must come to know through disciplined practice. "Knowledge," reminds Krishna, "means humility, sincerity, non-violence, patience, honesty, reverence for one's teacher, purity, stability, self-restraint; dispassion toward sense objects and absence of individuality, seeing defects in birth, death, old age, sickness, and suffering; detachment, uninvolvement with sons, wife and home, constant equanimity in fulfillment or frustration; unwavering devotion to me with singular discipline; retreating to a place of solitude, avoiding worldly affairs; persistence in knowing the self, seeing what knowledge of reality means – all of this is knowledge". v. 7-11.

A pretty tall order. It seems to get harder as it goes along. I am pretty sincere; I am as non-violent as I can be though I do eat meat and I know my lifestyle – using plastic and driving to work – is pretty violent to the earth. I'm working on patience and humility. I can usually be patient with animals, children and students, tho the latter are sometimes a struggle. I am generally less patient with those from whom I expect more; my Dad, my husband, my colleagues. I am consciously working on being more patient with each. I can generally be pretty good with strangers, though I have to be ever vigilant that I don't lash out – in my mind – at other drivers, people in lines, etc.

I am generally honest, but will keep watching myself to see where I am tempted to be dishonest and why. I don't really have a teacher, but I'm kind of using Easwaran, since I get hs "thought of the day' in my e-mail and a monthly newsletter. I wish he were still alive.

Am I pure? Am I stable? I have no idea. How do we even define purity in our culture? Surely not in the same way any Hindu would, and especially one writing c. 150 CE. I'm stable in some ways and not in others. Surely I have a lot of room for improvement in the area of stabilizing my moods. And self-restraint . . . what's that? I have almost none. I eat and drink what I want, when I want. Smoke when I want. Don't exercise, or go for walks. I am not as out of control as I was 2 years ago, but still exert very little pressure on myself. I need to really work on this. Give myself plenty of little tasks thru the day in which I must resist an urge, exercise some self resistance. That will include working on dispassion toward sense objects.

I guess it all works together. Getting better at all the things listed above will help me develop the stuff on the bottom half of the list. I have a long journey ahead of me. I think we Americans begin in a hole, at a spiritual deficit. Because even if we were sometimes poor, we had far fewer opportunities to work on our self-restraint. Of course there are always opportunities for that, a thousand times a day. So I will really try to be more aware of those times and take advantage of them by not letting my will run rampant.

May 25

We are in the 13^th teaching. After describing what knowledge is, Krishna explains what is to be known. "For knowing it, one attains immortality; it is called the supreme infinite spirit, beginningless, neither being nor non-being." v.12. The Sanskrit here is Brahman, the Absolute.

Outside and within all creatures,

Inanimate but still animate,

Too subtle to be known,

It is far distant, yet near.

Undivided, it seems divided

Among creatures;

Understood as their sustainer,

It devours and creates them. v.16

These two verses speak the most to me right now. Brahman, God, the Universe and more, is outside us – is the image Krishna showed Arjuna in that terrifying vision. But that same glorious, all powerful being, infinite and immortal, is also inside us. Doesn't need to be invited in, just recognized as there. It is us – all of us, including my silly kitten Indiana who is laying on this page, and all the critters on the planets in that infinity that is brahman – we are brahman, we make it up. Brahman is across the Universe in a distant galaxy, and brahman is here, next to me in Indy, inside me as well. Which implies brahman knows everything simultaneously – not like a feed, from me to It, but because I am It. So cool. So trippy. This is part of what you see on acid trips, but without the darkness around the edges.

We are all one, undivided. It is an illusion that we are divided into J and I, Iraqi/American, Black and White, Human/Animal/Insect/Grass, and if that isn't trippy enough: earthling/creature from outer space! Supernova and comets, all of that is US, one big brahman, infinite spirit.

And maybe that dark edge is really there – not as an evil (though it makes sense that is how we would perceive it) but because brahman as Vishnu (and Krishna) sustains us, but as Shiva destroys, devours us, only to be created anew by Brahma. Important to understand that all that destruction is us, too.

In v. 17 it says, "Knowledge attained by knowledge, fixed in the heart of everyone." And in v.30, "When he perceives the unity existing in separate creatures and how they expand from unity, he attains the infinite spirit." These speak to me of the idea of brahman as a growing consciousness, one that is learning through its experiences of division. It is an idea I feel comfortable with, that makes sense to me. We expand as a unit from our collective learning. And so, these verses, 19-21, where Krishna explains how nature and man's spirit (atman) are called "causes" because through our agency we produce effects, we produce these experiences, support that conclusion. Our forgetfulness of who we really are and our attachment to our own creation "causes births in the wombs of good and evil." But that isn't a bad thing, it is our purpose. If we all remembered the Truth, we wouldn't be able to keep learning. No wonder this is secret knowledge, hard to obtain.

Witness, consenter, sustainer,

Enjoyer – the great lord

Is called the highest self,

Man's true spirit in this body. v.22

Oh, this really helps! We are our own witnesses. And this the most: a part of me, my highest part, consented to this life I'm living. Consented to the rough adolescence, the molestation, the struggle with drugs, the violence of Roger, and this, the PHN. I consented to this and sustain it because it is teaching me/Us something. We are the enjoyers of what we witness, and collectively we must have realized there was a lot to learn from pain. Krishna reminds us again and again that it isn't some Other, inflicting suffering on us. It is us. And once we really know this, experientially as well as intellectually, we will no longer be born again, no matter, Krishna says, what our current place in life is. This makes sense. Once you've found the hider, the game of hide and seek is over. But us, we, will not be over. We will have just moved off the field to the bleachers.

He really sees

Who sees the highest lord

Standing equal among all creatures,

Undecaying amidst destruction. v.27

When I look at a group of inner city teens, or Mexican peasants, or even George Bush and his neocons, I am looking at God. Though there is destruction, privation, desperation, hate, and evil all around them, in their highest parts, they are God, undecaying. A part of their spirit lives on.

Seeing the lord standing

The same everywhere,

The self cannot injure itself

And goes on the highest way. v.28

But of course. How can I be cruel to God? To myself? This feels like the real goal, the promise for daily life, the thing I want most. To see God everywhere, in everything and everyone, without trying.

Beginningless, without qualities,

The supreme self is unchanging;

Even abiding in a body, Arjuna,

It does not act, nor is it defiled. v. 31

Our true selves are not going to hell or heaven, though there seems room in this philosophy for those who are attached to it; their egos might indeed create and then experience the delights of heaven or the tortures of hell. Sure, why not? But their True self is me. Is J. Is Indy and Isi. No one is really going to hell except as an experience that we will all learn from.

They reach the highest state

Who with the eye of knowledge know

The boundary between the knower and his field,

And the freedom creatures have from nature. v. 34

To conclude the teaching – we are not our bodies or this world. We are completely free of nature. How wonderful if I could truly KNOW this, not as an intellectual puzzle, but with whole heart and mind and being. How can I come to know this that way? Only through meditation. That's it. Disciplined devotion. I did sit on the couch and try again last night. I must keep at it!

May 18-22, 2007

May 18, 2007

About the Eleventh Teaching, I wanted to say yesterday that Arjuna's wonderment turns to quaking and trembling when he sees Krishna as the Destroyer. All the people he's been fighting are "rushing through your fangs into grim mouths, some are dangling crushed from your teeth" oops – I paraphrased verse 27 and cut out the most horrible – they are dangling from heads crushed by his teeth. And panning out, it isn't just local heroes but whole worlds rushing in:

You lick at the worlds

Around you

Devouring them

With flaming mouths;

And your terrible fires

Scorch the entire universe,

Filling it, Vishnu

With violet rays. v. 30

Tell me,

Who are you

In this terrible form?

Homage to you, Best of Gods!

Be gracious! I want to know you

As you are in your beginning.

I do not comprehend

The course of your ways. v. 31

I can't help but think of physics – that Arjuna is seeing the incredible processes of stars dying and worlds disappearing into black holes. I guess that's as close as my imagination can come. And how could you feel anything but the awe and fear – terror – at what your mild-mannered friend had become? Who are you? It's interesting that he calls him Vishnu here. Krishna traditionally being thought of as an avatar of Vishnu, his incarnation. But the text seems to keep reminding us not to get hung up on names. Then finally here, Arjuna expresses the feeling I have – I guess we all have – I don't get it! Why are you this way? Why are you so cruel and terrible? Why can't it just be creation, with no destruction? Krishna's answer, which I know I've copied out elsewhere, is:

I am time grown old,

Creating world destruction.

Set in motion

To annihilate the worlds;

Even without you,

All these warriors

Arrayed in hostile ranks

Will cease to exist v.32

So it is an answer to the early question, Arjuna's main crisis; we can do what we have to do, knowing we will hurt the planet, because it is already dead, or slated for destruction. Which doesn't mean, as some assholes seem to think, that it's a green light to destroy whatever you want. At least, I don't think it is. But wait, are not those assholes perhaps Krishna's instruments? Doing the destructive work that needs to be done? I don't know. I'm confused again, where yesterday this brought clarity.

I suppose it is like Yahweh, whose followers believe he can and does use the actions of even evil men, turning them to his own purpose. And I don't have the assignment to go out and destroy. Maybe others do, but it isn't any of my business. Maybe I can take comfort in the idea that my enemies are already killed by Krishna.

I don't know. But Arjuna responds with beautiful, total adoration. Maybe what I need to do is just spend some time meditating on the largeness, the incomprehensibile scale of God, and it will remind me that I don't know what's going on. That whole galaxies in our own universe are born and disappear. Why should I think this one star and its one blue planet will exist forever? Why be so attached to this one planet when there is an entire universe out there? Maybe unlimited universes and here is the Lord and Creator of all of that, and I can find that Lord right here in my own heart/mind/body/self.

Yes, the teaching ends when Krishna, back in his human form, says gods and people try tricks and magic to see what Arjuna has seen, when all one has to do is devote themsleves to that Lord. Only through devotion to Him.

By devotion alone

Can I, as I really am,

Be known and seen

And entered into, Arjuna.

Acting only for me, intent on me,

Free from attachment,

Hostile to no creature, Arjuna,

A woman of devotion comes to me. v. 55

Devotion alone. Okay.

May 19

The Twelfth Teaching: Devotion

I feel ready to hear about devotion. Arjuna asks which is better, to worship brahman in its unmanifest form, or manifest as Krishna. Krishna says either will bring us to him, but it is harder for those of us in bodies to come the unmanifest way. He gives directions for how to be devoted. I've read and will keep reading them, over and over, until they are written on my heart. But for now I will attend my cherished family.

May 22

I have been reading the twelfth teaching on devotion. I am moved by much of it.

When they entrust reason to me,

Arjuna, I soon arise

To rescue them from the ocean

Of death and rebirth. v. 7

This reassures me – seemed at first an answer spoken just for me as I often become entangled in my own logic, pulled under by the fact that I can't figure out the mind of God. Krishna, ever compassionate says, "Entrust reason to me."

Focus your mind on me,

Let your understanding enter me;

Then you will dwell

In me without doubt.

Right now I hear this as saying "you don't have to figure the whole world out. You don't need to understand everything right this moment." Just focus on God. And as he said before, "This being known, nothing else need be known." That was in 7:2

And here, Krishna's directions are so compassionate, so understanding of our weaknesses that he says okay, if you are unable to do what is best (concentrate fully on him), then "try to reach me through discipline in practice" v.9. If you can't manage that, then perform all your actions for my sake, v.10. If you are unable to do even that, then at least don't take credit for what I do for you. Rely on my discipline, and "reject all fruits of action" v.11.

Verses 13-19 are comprable to Paul's descripton of Christian love in 1 Corinthians 13. A description of what we all should be. Loving and compassionate, yes, but also disciplined, self-controlled, relinquishing all attachments. Those that can do these things, Krishna says, are dear to him. And of course I want to be dear to him. While I've not been able to establish a regular meditation routine, I can still try to practice discipline in other areas, as well as compassion and detachment every day.

May 16-17, 2007

May 16, 2007

[Jerry Falwell had died, and the pika was reported nearly extinct, which produced a crying jag while watching the news]

The Tenth Teaching: Fragments of Divine Power

This is what I need, though at first it wasn't speaking to me. I need to believe what Krishna is saying here (and in the Ninth) about who he is (and what we are). As J said when my crying stopped, the world is exactly as it is supposed to be. Hard – so hard, to believe, when it seems every thing about it is ruined. Krishna tells Arjuna, "Desiring your good, I speak to deepen your love." No human can really grasp what he is, so he tries to use words and images we can understand.

I am the source of everything,

And everything proceeds from me;

Filled with my existence, wise men

Realizing this are devoted to me.

This reminds me of a recent "thought of the day" (I signed up to get them thru e-mail from Easwaran) in which several fables or stories were told about how we humans cling to what is in our hands, when God is offering us much greater treasure. But we must let go of the tiny treasure we have in order to grasp the greater. Why does my mind make the connection? I guess because in many ways I am holding on to my own vision of the world, and how it works and what it is for. And Krishna is saying "drop all that!" Here I am, the source of everything. Drop your ideas and take this one. I am Lord of all Univeres and you can have me! You can BE me! And he goes on, saying that if we think and live deep in him, and are disciplined in our pursuit (i.e. meditate), and we devote our selves to him with affection, "I give the discipline of understanding by which men come to me." v. 10. I think he's saying if we do our part, he'll give us even more discipline, so we can cross that bridge across the magic of delusion he spoke of in Teaching Seven. It reminds me of something in Christianity, where Jesus says "to those that have, more will be given." Maybe that is what he really meant, and not the capitalist, unfair interpretation that so tempts one.

Dwelling compassionately

Deep in the self,

I dispel darkness born of ignorance

With the radiant light of knowledge. v.11

Arjuna has a breakthrough. He gets it. He has an epiphany in which he really understands what Krishna is saying and he speaks out, acknowledging and repeating Krishna's qualities. And one of the phrases he uses, along with words like "infinite, eternal, unborn, omnipotent" is "man's spirit" and further:

You know yourself through the self.

Krishna, Supreme among Men,

Sustainer and Lord of Creatures,

God of Gods, Master of the Universe! v.15

That phrase – doesn't it mean - doesn't it support the idea that god is playing hide-and-seek? That the purpose of humans is to come to know Itself better? The way to understand consciousness is to break oneself up into bits, fragments, and watch what they do. How else does One, alone and supreme, come to understand itself except in this way, by studying what comes out of it? Like a great artist learning something about her subconscious by seeing her own paintings.

I don't have time to get to all the images Krishna gives of himself that most resonate with me, but it is helpful to remember some of the last bits:

I am death the destroyer of all, the source of what will be v.34 and:

Whatever is powerful, lucid,

Splendid or invulnerable

Has its source in a fragment

Of my brilliance

What use is so much knowledge

To you, Arjuna?

I stand sustaining this entire world

With a fragment of my being.

This helps me. I don't believe this world, or even this Universe, is it. That pika will keep living, in some way. There will be creatures beyond my ability to fathom in every dimension including number, which will come and go, as Brahman breathes worlds into being and destroys them.

May 17

[Feeling a little end-of-semester let down and taking an end-of-first-year-inventory]

I do feel better in some ways now that I'm not beating my head against the wall trying to understand why Yahweh would allow all of this to happen. I can understand why Krishna, or really Brahman, or really us – would allow, even foster it. But I still find it difficult to take, to live through. I guess I need to think about it more, meditate on it, allow myself to "grok" it. Then it wouldn't hurt so much. Or no – the whole point may be to feel pain, to increase compassion. But yes, the pain then has meaning. And it can be analyzed. Isn't that my job as part of god, part of the collective? To understand better how all of this works? To stand back from it with a part of oneself. Krishna keeps remarking, directing our attention, to his detachment. It's his world, his very being, yet he remains detached.

It's funny, that detachment is in the service of attachment, the connection of all us critters. The two keep going together in paradoxical ways.

I read a short story by David G______ in Fantasy Sci Fi, of all places, that was great. It was real, it came straight from the gut, and it had to have been at least partially experienced by the author. Its point is that the narrator, who has all these experiences, keeps getting 'pinged' and he goes through his life wondering who it is. God? Aliens? Devils? He doesn't know. But it happens in these moments of intense relationship, intimacy, connection with other people. And at the end he finally realizes it isn't God or Aliens, it's us. We humans figuring out who we are, that we are One. One fully intimate collective. More, we are the same thing, same person. It was a cool story that I'm not describing very well.

I suppose the truth of Hinduism does sound like science fiction in some ways. It certainly sounded kooky to physicists at first – but guess who's listening to them now?! It is so hilarious and spooky and wildly cool that the world's oldest organized religion and the world's most cutting edge physics agree with one another about so many things. And the most cutting edge medicine, neuroscience, mathematics, etc.

The Eleventh Teaching: The Vision of Krishna's Totality

Here Arjuna, having realized with his head who Krishna is, asks to see his form – his true form. Krishna gives Arjuna divine eyes so he will be able to see what humans normally could not bear to see. At first it's all great. Arjuna sees all of creation, all of this world and many others, all the gods, everything – existing inside Krishna's wondrous body.

Arjuna saw all the universe

In its many ways and parts

Standing as one in the body

Of the god of gods.

He says:

Lord of All,

I see no end,

Or middle or beginning

To your totality.

What really gets me is that after he lists out all the amazing incredible things that he sees in Krishna, he says:

You are to be known

As supreme eternity,

The deepest treasure

Of all that is

The immutable guardian

Of enduring sacred duty [dharma];

I think you are

Man's timeless spirit. v. 18

After he sees all that, more than words could ever describe, he comes to the conclusion that he is "man's timeless spirit." I don't think he's saying just that Krishna created and put his spark into man; he is saying Krishna is man. We are him. Whoa. Yet it is still too much for Arjuna to take. Especially as his attention is drawn to the more terrifying terrible destructive side.

That will have to wait until tomorrow. The part we haven't gotten to yet – Krishna devours the worlds, too. The world, going to hell fast, might be exactly the way it is supposed to be. I may be feeling pain and anger, but its all part of the mosaic, all part of what we need to learn, individually and collectively. Will try to hold that thought.

May 9-12

I'm getting a bit impatient with these old ones, again, but I am torn about posting new things based on scripture I'm reading, and don't have a lot of time all of the time anyway, so I'm just going to speed up the release schedule. At least for now.

May 9, 2007

Let me get in a little of the 9^th Teaching. I'd left off right before verse four. In it he says that "all creatures exist in me, but I do not exist in them." This is after he's already told us that our innermost selves, Atman, is him, so he is in us.

Behold the power of my discipline;

These creatures are not really in me;

My self quickens creatures,

Sustaining them without being in them.

Then in v. 6 he says again that creatures are in him. I guess what he must be getting at is that the way this is – is beyond our ability to conceptualize. Maybe the laws of our universe, or the nature of our brains, prevent us from being able, truly, to get it. To even make a concept about it. And therefore, there's no point getting hung up on who exists in whom.

What we should look at is what he's trying to teach us about detachment, about action without desire. Because he begins with "behold my discipline" I can create whole worlds, full of creatures who are each a soul, each part of me. Creatures who are cute and noble and tragic and evil – I can create them and care for them and watch them without attachment! Without getting involved, without saving individuals from hardship or death or (listen, girl!) from their own terrible, stupid decisions. That is a feat! I think that is the larger point he's making but maybe I'm missing something.

May 12

Still in the Ninth Teaching, the Sublime Mystery. I believe I had written that Krishna was showing us the art of detachment. But then he continues to discuss his true nature – as something beyond nature. He talks about those who are deluded, but also about those who, seeking Truth, end up worshipping Krishna through the means available to them in their cultures. At least, that's how I read it.

Sacrificing through knowledge,

Others worship my universal presence

In its unity

And in its many different aspects. v. 15

Krishna is saying that people who are devout, in whatever "religion" they practice, are indeed being heard by Truth, or the Absolute Reality, Universal Being.

However, he is also saying that those who get stuck on the image, the particular aspect, will have a limited reward. Remember the video [one of a series created for public television I believe - or BBC? - with David Carradine as narrator], a Hindu guru explains that the gods are fingers pointing the way to liberation, to Nirguna Brahman, but some people get hung up looking at the finger, instead of looking where it is pointing.

And that's okay. Krishna says if that is what you want, take it, be happy with it, enjoy it. But know that its joys are limited. You'll find yourself again searching. "When they have long enjoyed the world of heaven and their merit is exhausted, they enter the natural world." v.21

Applied to narrow-minded Christians (or Muslims or members of any faith), he's saying if their reward, the thing they long for is a heaven with literal streets of gold, angels with halos and pearly gates, then that is what they will have. But even that will one day pall, be unsatisfying, and they'll find themselves wanting more.

We get what we want. Over and over, until we finally learn to want the things that will satisfy us. Oh – a good food analogy: you can (and I do) crave brownies and cake and French fries. And you can have those things. All you want. But if you are maturing, then eventually you'll become aware how unsatisfyig those foods are, how they are not actually nourishing your body, how they weren't intended to keep your system running. So eventually they will make you unwell. As you become wiser, you realize you need food with nutrients, and you begin to crave healthy foods. And when you eat them, they are deeply satisfying, as your cells quickly respond and grab what they need from the food and use the nutrients to repair and build a healthy, well-functioning body.