Decision Time

It is one am, or a little after, on a Friday night, and I'm doing what I always seem to be doing these days - trying to decide what I should do. It strikes me again that I have to do this myself. I can talk things over with women who have walked this road; I can read blogs and discussion boards; I can call my Mom and sisters for comfort and support. And J is always there. We have talked it through again and again. He listens to each new piece of information I share, each ramification that occurs to me. But ultimately, no one can make this choice for me, and no one else will have to live with the consequences.

Am I ready to give up my womb? Am I truly okay with closing the door on all possibility of having my own children? And more - am I ready for menopause. Am I ready for all the signs and symptoms of aging that will come with losing my ability to create my own hormones. My doctor thinks (and I've found support in the literature) that because of my particular circumstances, I should not start hormone replacement therapy right away - if at all - if I decide to have the hysterectomy. Likewise, we can't leave the remaining ovary there.

I keep thinking I've made up my mind, and then a new option is presented and I have to choose again. It is hard. I don't want to do something I will regret, but I can't bear to live this way any more. It doesn't feel fair to my students, my employers, my family, and certainly not my husband. And me - I'd like to have a life I can enjoy a little bit more if that is possible. I would love to have a little more energy.

I have hashed and rehashed all the pros and cons in so many places; this isn't the place for that. I don't feel like it, anyway. I just wanted to put it out there, how I'm feeling. How scary it is. All of my readings lately - in the devotional book and the U. Gita - have been about trust. I have realized I have a hard time trusting the universe. I don't trust my Self to work things out. If I did, I wouldn't worry so much. One of the recent entries in Gates' book said, "You either believe in God or you don't. God is there or He isn't."

That's right. I either believe in brahman or I don't. Since I do, I need to act like it, and trust. I am so grateful for prayer. I'll be doing a lot of that this weekend, and talk to the doc again on Monday, when I'll make the final decision.

It's Okay to Be a Three Year Old (June 1-3, 2007)

To think there was a moment I was worried I might lose the pain before I could learn enough! Seems a little silly, in retrospect. Obviously, I haven't learned near enough yet, as I keep learning the same lessons over and over again. It seems like every couple weeks my body lets me know it has a new plan for how I can learn something more about either patience, humility, or something equally wonderful to have and equally unpleasant to actually obtain. I'm afraid I'm being particularly dense this time around about accepting things as they are. I find myself railing against the endless winter though it is only February, and being angry when it seems I went through surgery for nothing because the problems are reasserting themselves, or when new physical problems develop. I wish my larger Self, the universe, God, my body - whoever is in charge - would just give me a little time to rest and recoup before I had to deal with another round.

Now, how is that for whining? And some of you thought you were good at it! hah! I'm telling you, I am not doing a good job of practicing detachment or acceptance. But I'm working on it.

June 1, 2007

It hasn't been easy, this past week. In fact, it has been so hard that I feel I'll never recover. I'm sure that can't actually be true. I hope and pray that in a week, this will be all-but-forgotten and I'll be revelling in the relief the epidural will bring. Please let it! I'm worried that the shot isn't going to work, that all of this will have been for nothing, physically, since it hasn't kicked in yet. I guess I could look it up in my journal, see for sure how long it took last time. It was gradual, snuck up on me. Perhaps if my head and spine weren't hurting, the side would also stop.

I simply have to accept that I am doing what I can. Make sure that I am doing all I can, and let the rest go.

I had some success yesterday, remembering I am not whitethoughts. Still seems funny to write. Keep thinking that if I progress along the path I'm travelling, the purpose of journaling will change or go away. Why spend so much time writing about an "I" that doesn't exist? Still a long way away. I still believe in whitethoughts. Things are shifting in me. I've begun to feel, when I slip into begging, that I am praying to my Self. I still feel funny saying it because in the Western Christian context it sounds delusional, but my inner picture of God, of whom I am praying to, was first an overlay/hologram type image of Jesus/Krishna – meshed and overlapping and coming in and out of focus. But now I'm starting to see me in there as well, and J, and Indy. A good step, in part because it highlights the ridiculousness of begging for anything – from one's self? If one has the power to affect reality, just do it! Alas, I'm not that capable of directing my will yet. Probably for the damn good reason that I'm not remotely wise enough to use that power correctly.

For example, would I have given myself the lesson in humility, helplessness, detachment and meditation of last week? No WAY! I would give J a job – a high paying teaching job, and take away my own pain. Pretty amazingly selfish, eh? First thought wasn't about Doug, or our goddaughters, or Mom and Dad. So – okay. Thank goodness I don't have (conscious and direct) access to the reality machine. In which case, don't expect begging to disappear right away. Begging is a relief, a release. Begging may be the wrong word, but really that is what it is. Pleading? Throwing myself on the mercy of whoever is in charge?

Point – I am at least beginning to figure it out. That I – or my real Self is in control. What I'm finding, by thinking of myself in the third person, is that my compassion for myself grows. I do begin to see her and her struggles more objectively. But also it is bleeding over into how I see J, and my compassion and love for him also grows. It's after 7, so let me just say this – the 15^th Teaching supports the identification I am making between my Self and Krishna/Jesus/God.

When the lord takes on a body

And then leaves it . . . v.8

Men of discipline who strive

See him present within themselves;

But without self-mastery and reason,

Even those who strive fail to see. v. 11

I dwell deep

In the heart of everyone v. 15

Other is the supreme spirit of man,

Called the supreme self,

The immutable lord who enters

And sustains the three worlds v.17

Whoever knows me without delusion

As the supreme spirit of man

Knows all there is, Arjuna –

He devotes his whole being to me. v.19

June 2

[Detailed discussion of session with pain therapist]

Phyllis had an inspiration while watching me meditate, that mudras might be helpful for me.

I know for sure there are important things to learn from pain. Maybe I have to get to the point where I am truly grateful for each twinge before the pain will go away. Wow; it's hard to get there. I am fighting resentment. I know in my head that life is not fair, that all we ought to expect is more suffering, and that in the grand scheme of things, I have it very easy. I know that there are parts of me that feel resentful toward God and the Universe and all these other people walking around with no pain. Couldn't they stand to learn some patience? Some non-attachment? Disinterest? Sacrifice? Love? Why me?

Oh geez. Silly! Because I know why me! Because me wants to learn those things. My larger Self, for sure. But even my conscious self. I want, with all my heart, to be a better person. So the pain is a way to do that. The pain is a gift, given in love, to provide me an opportunity to learn to be a better person, in all the ways I understand that to mean, and probably more. That means I can't waste it. What if it heals, goes away without my learning anything? Wouldn't that be terrible? I should appreciate every precious moment, as they may go away and never come again. Wow. Can I do that? What does it mean about pain medication? I don't think I'm ready to embrace the pain so much that I give that up totally. I do still have to work. But maybe I can begin to ask myself, if it isn't to do a duty, fulfill a responsibility, at those times I can let the pain be what it is. Even with the meds, there is plenty of pain to learn from.

I guess the lesson for today is that one must fulfill one's duty regardless of discomfort.

June 3

[Discussion of pain (always), work to be done (always) and the proper use of a journal]

One thing I'm consciously working on is getting better control over my thoughts. I have always spent a lot of mental energy replaying conversations, having imaginary confrontations, and especially fixating on moments and issues that angered or hurt me. Easwaran – and of course the Gita – reiterate that we must have mental discipline. Not just when sitting down to meditate but all of the time. Why do I allow my mind to replay a hurtful scene, or to dwell on a slight, or imagine a thousand different ways my students might hate me? Yes, occasionally it is helpful to rehearse something, but most of the time such yammering serves no helpful purpose. So I have been trying to catch myself each time my mind begins. And here again the mantra saves me. I attempt to redirect my mind's attention to the mantra, and let go of the replay or rehearsal. It is quite difficult. A minute later I find my mind has returned to the same old sad story, and I have to re-direct it, over and over. Easwaran promises, based on a lot of experience, that eventually I will have to redirect it less often, and that it will become less frequent that the mind even begins down that road.

Easwaran promises that each repetition of the mantra is like one shovel-full of dirt, bringing us closer to the center as we dig our way down. Thus the mental energy that was getting wasted in an imaginary argument is now being used, being harnessed, to bring us closer to god.

I have so many opportunities for this. Perhaps everyone is like this, but I feel I may be one of the worst offenders, as my mind is a real chatterbox. It never shuts up. If I can manage this turnaround, it will mean I have made an automatic-shovel, and can be digging my way toward God at a constant, steady pace. A way to turn a negative personality trait into a positive god-seeking tool.

Also, I want to report that I have more moments that I used to in which my mind is still. It is wonderful. Obviously, as soon as I recognize the stillness I've created a ripple, but maybe I'll get better about just letting it be, as it becomes less of a novelty.

Hey – maybe that's why I've been able to enjoy going to the movies more – my mind is actually able to attend only to the film for longer chunks of time, instead of rattling on about other things. And all of this growth has happened before I've even been able to begin meditating! At least, meditating the way I intend to.

It's possible that I had to do some of this work, get some practice with the mantra, before I was able to meditate. My mind may have been so undisciplined that it simply couldn't bring itself to truly contemplate meditation. It was last Saturday I felt ready to try. But the headache was truly too intense and I just could not stand to sit up for the full 30 minutes. I feel ready again. I'm eager to see what results daily meditation will bring when I've begun to see such wonderful benefits from just getting better at remembering to say the mantra, and from studying the Gita, of course.

I am a little worried that I am too focused on the fruit. But I think I should let go of that worry. I am too focused on the fruit – the clear, calm mind. The loving, patient, wise personality. But oh well! We all have to start somewhere. I am not mature. Big deal. Neither are three year olds. They aren't bad for being three and not 30, or 90. That is just where they are. If, in terms of meditation, or self-discipline and contemplation, I am less evolved than an infant – well, so be it. I'm an infant. A fetus, even. I need to be more compassionate toward myself.

If my brain begins reciting an old argument or repeating a stupid song, there is no need to berate it, yelling and punishing and being mean, as is my wont. No, just gently correct. Gently redirect. A kindly, "No dear, let's think about God instead" is much more appropriate. I need to remember how young and immature this person is. There is no need to yell at her. Just kindly, with compassion, steer her into the right path.

I know Christianity does not have to be punitive, that in fact Jesus taught compassion and forgiveness. But I picked up very bad habits as a Christian; habits of self-hatred and self-punishment. I categorized my behavior as "bad" or "wrong" any time it was less than Jesus-like perfection, and took myself into terrible cycles of guilt and remorse and shame. I refuse to bring that baggage into this new place. There is no judgment here. No final Judgement Day, no hell, and no punishment except what you give yourself. Be who and where you are. Try to grow. Learn from your mistakes. Correct yourself when you catch yourself taking an unhelpful turn. That's it. No scourge. No inventive self-tortures. Those aren't helpful. They are not kind, patient, compassionate, gentle, forgiving, disinterested – and therefore are not true, not correct. So leave them alone.

There is a lot in the 16^th and 17^th Teachings about this. In the 16^th, The Divine and Demonic in Man, Krishna describes each type of man. The list of adjectives is worth memorizing and repeating, but here I want to note that they apply to one's dealing with oneself, too.

Hypocrisy, arrogance, vanity,

Anger, harshness, ignorance;

These characterize a man

Born with demonic traits v.4

Is it not hypocrisy to preach compassion and then be cruel to oneself? Is it not arrogance and vanity that cause me to think that I alone of all humans should be held to Jesus' standards for himself? What ego to believe I should be perfect at the start! Anger and harshness directed at myself – just a small creature – are just as wrong as if directed at someone else – a small child, a bunny rabbit.

Confused by endless thoughts,

Caught in the net of delusion,

Given to satisfying their desires . . . v. 16

Submitting to individuality, power,

Arrogance, desire, and anger,

They hate me and revile me

In their own bodies, as in others v. 18

And in the 17^th Teaching, Three Aspects of Faith, Krishna, is explaining the "threefold mature of faith inherent in the embodied self" v.2, and after describing sacrifices he says:

Men who practice horrific penances

That go against traditional norms

Are trapped in hypocrisy and individuality,

Overwhelmed by the emotion of desire v.5

Without reason, they torment

The elements composing their bodies,

And they torment me within them;

Know them to have demonic resolve v.6

I am no longer even self-disciplined enough to torture my body in penance, but since childhood this has been my bent. My sinfulness is in how I hypocritically require perfection from myself in exchange for love. It is hard for me to accept the verdict of hypocrisy. The thing I most dislike, most hate, in myself and others. But look how the word keeps showing up in the context of self-punishment. I can't deny it. Ouch. So I have to stop doing these things in my head.

My guess is, from the little experience I've had, that once I am able to be kinder to myself, I will find I'm more compassionate toward others, as well.

Really Starting to Get It

It has gotten cold again, and snowing again, and very, very busy again. I keep hoping to be able to write a post about what is going on here right now today, but it keeps not happening. On the other hand, I re-read these old journal entries and find I am rediscovering many of the same things all over again, so it doesn't really matter : ) Development really is a spiral path. I might as well have written some of this today as I was reading the Svetasvatara Upanishad, which was written in the early days of the tradition that produced the Bhagavad Gita, maybe 200-400 years earlier.

May 24, 2007

I'm ready to begin the Thirteenth Teaching – Knowing the Field

I'm sure this is more beautiful, less awkward, in Sanskrit. "The field denotes this body" v. 1

The field contains the great elements,

Individuality, understanding,

Unmanifest nature, the eleven senses,

And the five sense realms. v. 5

Are the great elements individuality and understanding? Or something else? I think the latter. Individuality (ahamkara) is the ego, literally the "I-maker". I get that. Understanding (buddhi) is the "collective rational powers, including intuitive intelligence and capacity to make reasoned judgments." It is distinct from mind. In the chariot analogy, the senses are the horses, the mind the reins, understanding the charioteer, and the self the owner of the chariot. So the field, this thing we are to come to know, is all of the above and unmanifest nature, which seems intriguingly out of place in this list. Krishna adds:

Longing, hatred, happiness, suffering,

Bodily form, consciousness, resolve,

This is the field with its changes

Defined in summary. v. 6

So the field is also preference – what I like and dislike and emotional response to having my preferences and attachments fulfilled or not. My body, my thoughts and my will. These are all the parts of the field that I must come to know through disciplined practice. "Knowledge," reminds Krishna, "means humility, sincerity, non-violence, patience, honesty, reverence for one's teacher, purity, stability, self-restraint; dispassion toward sense objects and absence of individuality, seeing defects in birth, death, old age, sickness, and suffering; detachment, uninvolvement with sons, wife and home, constant equanimity in fulfillment or frustration; unwavering devotion to me with singular discipline; retreating to a place of solitude, avoiding worldly affairs; persistence in knowing the self, seeing what knowledge of reality means – all of this is knowledge". v. 7-11.

A pretty tall order. It seems to get harder as it goes along. I am pretty sincere; I am as non-violent as I can be though I do eat meat and I know my lifestyle – using plastic and driving to work – is pretty violent to the earth. I'm working on patience and humility. I can usually be patient with animals, children and students, tho the latter are sometimes a struggle. I am generally less patient with those from whom I expect more; my Dad, my husband, my colleagues. I am consciously working on being more patient with each. I can generally be pretty good with strangers, though I have to be ever vigilant that I don't lash out – in my mind – at other drivers, people in lines, etc.

I am generally honest, but will keep watching myself to see where I am tempted to be dishonest and why. I don't really have a teacher, but I'm kind of using Easwaran, since I get hs "thought of the day' in my e-mail and a monthly newsletter. I wish he were still alive.

Am I pure? Am I stable? I have no idea. How do we even define purity in our culture? Surely not in the same way any Hindu would, and especially one writing c. 150 CE. I'm stable in some ways and not in others. Surely I have a lot of room for improvement in the area of stabilizing my moods. And self-restraint . . . what's that? I have almost none. I eat and drink what I want, when I want. Smoke when I want. Don't exercise, or go for walks. I am not as out of control as I was 2 years ago, but still exert very little pressure on myself. I need to really work on this. Give myself plenty of little tasks thru the day in which I must resist an urge, exercise some self resistance. That will include working on dispassion toward sense objects.

I guess it all works together. Getting better at all the things listed above will help me develop the stuff on the bottom half of the list. I have a long journey ahead of me. I think we Americans begin in a hole, at a spiritual deficit. Because even if we were sometimes poor, we had far fewer opportunities to work on our self-restraint. Of course there are always opportunities for that, a thousand times a day. So I will really try to be more aware of those times and take advantage of them by not letting my will run rampant.

May 25

We are in the 13^th teaching. After describing what knowledge is, Krishna explains what is to be known. "For knowing it, one attains immortality; it is called the supreme infinite spirit, beginningless, neither being nor non-being." v.12. The Sanskrit here is Brahman, the Absolute.

Outside and within all creatures,

Inanimate but still animate,

Too subtle to be known,

It is far distant, yet near.

Undivided, it seems divided

Among creatures;

Understood as their sustainer,

It devours and creates them. v.16

These two verses speak the most to me right now. Brahman, God, the Universe and more, is outside us – is the image Krishna showed Arjuna in that terrifying vision. But that same glorious, all powerful being, infinite and immortal, is also inside us. Doesn't need to be invited in, just recognized as there. It is us – all of us, including my silly kitten Indiana who is laying on this page, and all the critters on the planets in that infinity that is brahman – we are brahman, we make it up. Brahman is across the Universe in a distant galaxy, and brahman is here, next to me in Indy, inside me as well. Which implies brahman knows everything simultaneously – not like a feed, from me to It, but because I am It. So cool. So trippy. This is part of what you see on acid trips, but without the darkness around the edges.

We are all one, undivided. It is an illusion that we are divided into J and I, Iraqi/American, Black and White, Human/Animal/Insect/Grass, and if that isn't trippy enough: earthling/creature from outer space! Supernova and comets, all of that is US, one big brahman, infinite spirit.

And maybe that dark edge is really there – not as an evil (though it makes sense that is how we would perceive it) but because brahman as Vishnu (and Krishna) sustains us, but as Shiva destroys, devours us, only to be created anew by Brahma. Important to understand that all that destruction is us, too.

In v. 17 it says, "Knowledge attained by knowledge, fixed in the heart of everyone." And in v.30, "When he perceives the unity existing in separate creatures and how they expand from unity, he attains the infinite spirit." These speak to me of the idea of brahman as a growing consciousness, one that is learning through its experiences of division. It is an idea I feel comfortable with, that makes sense to me. We expand as a unit from our collective learning. And so, these verses, 19-21, where Krishna explains how nature and man's spirit (atman) are called "causes" because through our agency we produce effects, we produce these experiences, support that conclusion. Our forgetfulness of who we really are and our attachment to our own creation "causes births in the wombs of good and evil." But that isn't a bad thing, it is our purpose. If we all remembered the Truth, we wouldn't be able to keep learning. No wonder this is secret knowledge, hard to obtain.

Witness, consenter, sustainer,

Enjoyer – the great lord

Is called the highest self,

Man's true spirit in this body. v.22

Oh, this really helps! We are our own witnesses. And this the most: a part of me, my highest part, consented to this life I'm living. Consented to the rough adolescence, the molestation, the struggle with drugs, the violence of Roger, and this, the PHN. I consented to this and sustain it because it is teaching me/Us something. We are the enjoyers of what we witness, and collectively we must have realized there was a lot to learn from pain. Krishna reminds us again and again that it isn't some Other, inflicting suffering on us. It is us. And once we really know this, experientially as well as intellectually, we will no longer be born again, no matter, Krishna says, what our current place in life is. This makes sense. Once you've found the hider, the game of hide and seek is over. But us, we, will not be over. We will have just moved off the field to the bleachers.

He really sees

Who sees the highest lord

Standing equal among all creatures,

Undecaying amidst destruction. v.27

When I look at a group of inner city teens, or Mexican peasants, or even George Bush and his neocons, I am looking at God. Though there is destruction, privation, desperation, hate, and evil all around them, in their highest parts, they are God, undecaying. A part of their spirit lives on.

Seeing the lord standing

The same everywhere,

The self cannot injure itself

And goes on the highest way. v.28

But of course. How can I be cruel to God? To myself? This feels like the real goal, the promise for daily life, the thing I want most. To see God everywhere, in everything and everyone, without trying.

Beginningless, without qualities,

The supreme self is unchanging;

Even abiding in a body, Arjuna,

It does not act, nor is it defiled. v. 31

Our true selves are not going to hell or heaven, though there seems room in this philosophy for those who are attached to it; their egos might indeed create and then experience the delights of heaven or the tortures of hell. Sure, why not? But their True self is me. Is J. Is Indy and Isi. No one is really going to hell except as an experience that we will all learn from.

They reach the highest state

Who with the eye of knowledge know

The boundary between the knower and his field,

And the freedom creatures have from nature. v. 34

To conclude the teaching – we are not our bodies or this world. We are completely free of nature. How wonderful if I could truly KNOW this, not as an intellectual puzzle, but with whole heart and mind and being. How can I come to know this that way? Only through meditation. That's it. Disciplined devotion. I did sit on the couch and try again last night. I must keep at it!

May 18-22, 2007

May 18, 2007

About the Eleventh Teaching, I wanted to say yesterday that Arjuna's wonderment turns to quaking and trembling when he sees Krishna as the Destroyer. All the people he's been fighting are "rushing through your fangs into grim mouths, some are dangling crushed from your teeth" oops – I paraphrased verse 27 and cut out the most horrible – they are dangling from heads crushed by his teeth. And panning out, it isn't just local heroes but whole worlds rushing in:

You lick at the worlds

Around you

Devouring them

With flaming mouths;

And your terrible fires

Scorch the entire universe,

Filling it, Vishnu

With violet rays. v. 30

Tell me,

Who are you

In this terrible form?

Homage to you, Best of Gods!

Be gracious! I want to know you

As you are in your beginning.

I do not comprehend

The course of your ways. v. 31

I can't help but think of physics – that Arjuna is seeing the incredible processes of stars dying and worlds disappearing into black holes. I guess that's as close as my imagination can come. And how could you feel anything but the awe and fear – terror – at what your mild-mannered friend had become? Who are you? It's interesting that he calls him Vishnu here. Krishna traditionally being thought of as an avatar of Vishnu, his incarnation. But the text seems to keep reminding us not to get hung up on names. Then finally here, Arjuna expresses the feeling I have – I guess we all have – I don't get it! Why are you this way? Why are you so cruel and terrible? Why can't it just be creation, with no destruction? Krishna's answer, which I know I've copied out elsewhere, is:

I am time grown old,

Creating world destruction.

Set in motion

To annihilate the worlds;

Even without you,

All these warriors

Arrayed in hostile ranks

Will cease to exist v.32

So it is an answer to the early question, Arjuna's main crisis; we can do what we have to do, knowing we will hurt the planet, because it is already dead, or slated for destruction. Which doesn't mean, as some assholes seem to think, that it's a green light to destroy whatever you want. At least, I don't think it is. But wait, are not those assholes perhaps Krishna's instruments? Doing the destructive work that needs to be done? I don't know. I'm confused again, where yesterday this brought clarity.

I suppose it is like Yahweh, whose followers believe he can and does use the actions of even evil men, turning them to his own purpose. And I don't have the assignment to go out and destroy. Maybe others do, but it isn't any of my business. Maybe I can take comfort in the idea that my enemies are already killed by Krishna.

I don't know. But Arjuna responds with beautiful, total adoration. Maybe what I need to do is just spend some time meditating on the largeness, the incomprehensibile scale of God, and it will remind me that I don't know what's going on. That whole galaxies in our own universe are born and disappear. Why should I think this one star and its one blue planet will exist forever? Why be so attached to this one planet when there is an entire universe out there? Maybe unlimited universes and here is the Lord and Creator of all of that, and I can find that Lord right here in my own heart/mind/body/self.

Yes, the teaching ends when Krishna, back in his human form, says gods and people try tricks and magic to see what Arjuna has seen, when all one has to do is devote themsleves to that Lord. Only through devotion to Him.

By devotion alone

Can I, as I really am,

Be known and seen

And entered into, Arjuna.

Acting only for me, intent on me,

Free from attachment,

Hostile to no creature, Arjuna,

A woman of devotion comes to me. v. 55

Devotion alone. Okay.

May 19

The Twelfth Teaching: Devotion

I feel ready to hear about devotion. Arjuna asks which is better, to worship brahman in its unmanifest form, or manifest as Krishna. Krishna says either will bring us to him, but it is harder for those of us in bodies to come the unmanifest way. He gives directions for how to be devoted. I've read and will keep reading them, over and over, until they are written on my heart. But for now I will attend my cherished family.

May 22

I have been reading the twelfth teaching on devotion. I am moved by much of it.

When they entrust reason to me,

Arjuna, I soon arise

To rescue them from the ocean

Of death and rebirth. v. 7

This reassures me – seemed at first an answer spoken just for me as I often become entangled in my own logic, pulled under by the fact that I can't figure out the mind of God. Krishna, ever compassionate says, "Entrust reason to me."

Focus your mind on me,

Let your understanding enter me;

Then you will dwell

In me without doubt.

Right now I hear this as saying "you don't have to figure the whole world out. You don't need to understand everything right this moment." Just focus on God. And as he said before, "This being known, nothing else need be known." That was in 7:2

And here, Krishna's directions are so compassionate, so understanding of our weaknesses that he says okay, if you are unable to do what is best (concentrate fully on him), then "try to reach me through discipline in practice" v.9. If you can't manage that, then perform all your actions for my sake, v.10. If you are unable to do even that, then at least don't take credit for what I do for you. Rely on my discipline, and "reject all fruits of action" v.11.

Verses 13-19 are comprable to Paul's descripton of Christian love in 1 Corinthians 13. A description of what we all should be. Loving and compassionate, yes, but also disciplined, self-controlled, relinquishing all attachments. Those that can do these things, Krishna says, are dear to him. And of course I want to be dear to him. While I've not been able to establish a regular meditation routine, I can still try to practice discipline in other areas, as well as compassion and detachment every day.

May 6-7, 2007

It is still warm! In fact, it is supposed to be 50 degrees today! It has been raining, which has been helping to melt some of the snow piles. The street actually looks strange; I hadn't realized how thick the layer of ice and snow was until there were big cracks and holes in it. We had been driving on a good 4 or more inches. It was pretty cool to see the melting start to make grooves in it, mapping networks to the sewer grates that people like Jim had cleared the ice from with shovels. And on the main streets, we have full lanes back - almost - on the sides nearest the curbs. Sorry to go on and on, but the melting is just so wonderful I can't help myself : )

I will try not to be sad when the temperature drops back to 16 on Friday. I hope everyone reading is having weather they appreciate, too.

May 6, 2007

With all the craziness of last week, classes ending and getting the grading done, etc., you know what I almost forgot? Almost nicely and sneakily put out of mind the fact that I promised myself and the Universe that I would begin to meditate when classes were over. No more excuses. I've picked up that progress in the goals of meditation takes a long time. So I need to get started on it right now. Maybe it is that gains will be so slow in coming, and I, like my compatriots, am dedicated to instant gratification. But I don't know that it will be slow. I might see some slight improvement right away. I won't know until I begin to do it every day.

What I need to do is think about and remember the journey into me that began when I first met my own eyes. This is the same thing, but without looking. It's turning inside, to explore the me in there. How can that not be exciting? Knowing from my experience that god is waiting for me in there? Why am I not racing to find him/her/it/me? I'm not sure, but it doesn't matter, because I am not going to allow that part of me to run my life anymore.

Oh! I just had this vision/understanding of a big wall of invisible pressure that keeps us all from looking too hard for God, and realized that Hinduism accounts for it; if God is hiding itself from itself, It wouldn't want the game to be over too quickly, so of course there would be some kind of thing, which I'm seeing as a kind of energy shield because of my cultural milieu. And then it hit me – oh – this is what Krishna meant when he said "My divine magic is hard to escape; but those who seek refuge in me cross over this magic." Or at least, it's part of what he meant.

So, take refuge! There is the bridge – just walk over it. I'm not sure right when I wake up is best, because the pain is so intense, and when it isn't its sometimes hard to wake up due to the drugs. But I'll figure out a good time and do it.

As the Eighth Teaching goes on, Krishna details how to be sure that you will join him at the time of death, thus escaping re-birth. I don't know that I'm ready to forsake life. I like life, even with all its suffering and tribulation. But I would like my next life to be one in which I am able to devote myself more fully to this, to understanding how it all works, and to jnana yoga. Of course, I'm terrified to ask for that, because I know what happens when we ask for patience or humility; we are given a thousand things that make us/tempt us to be impatient, or a hundred things to humiliate us.

But earlier Krishna promised a higher birth, one in which material needs are provided for. I'd like that one, please! On the other hand, it would be lovely to go to god and know all the answers to every question, to see everyone, in all their lives and understand the pattern. But won't that come eventually, anyway? Of course. And I do love life.

To get either place one must follow Krishna's directions. And again he sounds like Jesus: "Therefore, at all times remember me and fight; mind and understanding fixed on me, free from doubt, you will come to me" v. 7 Next he offers this promise, or just statement of fact:

Disciplined through practice,

Her reason never straying,

Meditating, one reaches

The supreme divine spirit of man.

Disciplined through practice! It isn't going to happen any other way girl! You must practice being one-pointed through meditation. And I will find, if I do, that Me that is the best Me. This beautiful verse:

One should remember

Man's spirit as the guide,

The primordial poet,

Smaller than an atom,

Grants of all things,

In form inconceivable,

The color of the sun

Beyond darkness.

Follow the inner me, the one who creates this life for me. She grants all things. Beg her for self-discipline. Entreat her to meet me half way. To help me arrange my life in such a way that I devote myself to all my sacred duties.

It sounds weird, doesn't it? And if someone read this journal (blog) without the context it might sound as if I've lost my mind and become so egotistic, so full of delusions of grandeur. But even Judaism says we are higher than and more beloved than angels, and Christianity follows with the belief that we are made in God's image. Islam places humans even higher. I'm human! However, I am not even talking about manifest nature, this body and this person. I'm talking about the God inside me. Whom I know to be there, but do not really know. This is really helpful to me, to think of Her as the guide. I think it will help me get somewhere.

Krishna gives instructions on how to meditate, which echo Easwaran (or other way around) and he says it's easy! We'll see! But then he goes on to discuss cosmology, the way the Universe is set up. It's fascinating. It got me thinking about What the Bleep Do We Know [a DVD I highly recommend if you haven't yet seen it] and physics, and how Krishna may be referring here to clues to the physics. I definitely think that if I were a theoretical physicist working on quantum and string theories, I'd be giving these statements a lot of thought.

Krishna does put himself above Brahma here, so one can see where the Hare Krishnas get that. But he also says Arjuna, us – we are above Brahma. So I think what he is saying is that Brahma is an idea to help us understand. Because first, Krishna talks about how Big and Long – no, Vast, Brahma is: each day and night stretches over a thousand eons (take that Bishop Usher!). And that really means even longer than eons, because creation, the entire Universe, is brought into being at Brahma's dawn, and falls apart, is dismantled at the beginning of Brahma's Night. But then creation and all the creatures are born again at Brahma's next dawn.

Beyond this unmanifest nature

Is another unmanifest existence,

A timeless being that does not perish

When all creatures perish

It is called eternal unmanifest nature,

What men call the highest way,

The goal from which they do not return;

This highest realm is mine.

It is man's highest spirit,

Won by singular devotion, Arjuna,

In whom creatures rest

And the whole universe extends. v. 20-22

Universes within universes, isn't it? Or not, because this being outside of the universe is impossible to conceive with this human mind. But it seems clear to me that Krishna is saying that it isn't just that he is Lord of that realm, or just that humans can get there by devotion, but he seems to be saying that in some mystical, impossible-to-grasp way, humans are that place! Right? "It is man's highest spirit . . in whom creatures rest and the whole universe extends." Wow. There isn't much more one can say. Wow.

One last thing before I go. This teaching concludes by saying that even once men understand this, who "know the infinite spirt" v.24, they still might not rejoin that unmanifest existence, and it has to do with when they die. If we die at one time, during the "light" period (which could include bright lunar night) during the "sun's six-month northward course" v.24, we "reach infinity." But if we die during the dark period, we "reach the moon's light and return" v. 25. Is this just mystical gobbeldy-gook? Or is Krishna pointing out some feature of physics? Moreover, I think he might be saying there is a choice:

These bright and dark pathways

Are deemed constant for the universe;

By one, a man escapes rebirth;

By the other, he is born again.

No man of discipline is deluded

When he knows these two paths. v.27

Maybe he is stating a fact about the way the material universe is constructed and is telling us to know these pathways and choose the time of our death appropriately. [Since I have been studying the Upanishads I've found some early references to these paths of the moon and to the role the moon plays in reincarnation.] It's funny that it seems like here is an answer to my earlier dilemma about both seeking to know God with all my self, and also loving life. Maybe we can reach liberation, moksha, and still return to play the game if we are still enjoying it. Why not? You really can have what you want in Hinduism!

May 7

The Ninth Teaching: The Sublime Mystery

Mystery is certainly a good word for it! I feel like I wrote nearly the same thing last time though. Krishna seems to contradict himself, or offer a paradox, and again I'm longing for the Sanskrit, to see which words he used. I really need at least another, different translation. Not that this one isn't good, but one decision of hers I question is to always translate a word the same way. So jnana is always translated as knowledge, yoga always discipline, brahman as infinite spirit, etc. But words have various shades of meaning, especially a word like karma, which I've seen transliterated as work, action, cause and effect, sacred law, etc. I think she sometimes loses or twists meaning away from the original intent by using the same word; a different word would more accurately reflect the intended meaning.

Anyway, it would be lovely to have another translation, especially one written by a Hindu. This teaching has some confusing verses. Recall, Krishna is telling Arjuna more about who he truly is, and that realm of existence (his, ours) that is beyond life and death. And he reminds him how important meditation is, of course. And the rest will have to wait. I've read the whole thing twice, but I have to meditate and then go to work now.

Discipline - NOT Punish (April 29-30,2007)

I am gradually coming back to life. Man, that was a tough recovery, and I'm getting to be pretty knowledgeable about various recuperation periods from surgeries. But I trust that will be the last one! Forever! I have learned some things, and had some really intense insights that are going to profoundly change the way I live my life due to this last round. I hope to write it all out for y'all soon. Right now I'm trying to dig myself out of the hole missing two weeks of work created. Thanks for all your kind wishes - I sure used them!

April 29, 2007

[Spent a good 2 pages writing of my plans for exercising, eating healthfully, losing weight, and of course, meditating]

Sixth Teaching – The Man of Discipline

Know that discipline, Arjuna,

Is what men call renunciation;

No man is disciplined

Without renouncing willful intent

There you go. You cannot be disciplined without giving things up. One has to be willing to sacrifice what one's senses say they must have. And as discussed before, one can make this easier by consciously sacrificing willful desires to someone. Much easier to give things up out of love. And the other tool is to realize that the self who craves ice-cream and brownies is not the Self. A kind of confusingly worded stanza gets at this:

He should elevate himself by the self,

Not degrade himself;

For the self is its own friend

And its own worst foe.

In Easwaran's book on meditation he talks about how good the mind and senses are at distracting us, and how talented they are at manufacturing desire for sense objects . . . like ice cream. But once one achieves discipline - control - the mind and senses become one's loyal servants. And crave brown rice, for example, instead of baked potatos with butter and sour cream. To get to that place, one must be firm with them, tell them no and don't give in. And here is Krishna on the subject:

The self is the friend of a man

Who masters himself thru the self.

But for a man without self-mastery,

The self is like an enemy at war.

"Thru the self." It is no good keeping one's self on a diet by, say, locking the refrigerator, or having one's stomach stapled. Those external means may help you lose weight, but they haven't changed who you are. As soon as the lock is removed, or one finds another means of satisfying one's gluttony, one is right back in the same situation. So with every other "vice."

And I do find myself at war; one part wants pie, another part wants to look like a model. One part wants to just lie on the couch, another wants to go spend money we don't have. My body is literally a battle zone in which nerves want to fire all the time, the immune system wants to – well, does – attack the virus and anything else that gets in its way. How do I stop the craziness and bring peace and control to my mind and body? The following stanzas show the way:

First, he says seclusion, isolation (10) I can't do that. But I could find moments of it. Then find a good place to sit – firm, pure, not too high or low, with a covering (11).

He should focus his mind and restrain

The activity of his thoughts and senses (12)

And

He should keep his body, head,

And neck aligned, immobile, steady. (13)

He also suggests staring at the tip of one's nose, but I prefer other strategies that the scriptures also support.

But that third thing, in stanza 12, that is hardly easy! In fact right now it seems downright impossible. Easwaran and Ram Dass and everyone else say it improves with practice and only with practice.

Then Krishna says to sit in discipline. With thoughts fixed on Krishna, intent (14).

Disciplining himself,

His mind controlled,

A man of discipline finds peace,

The pure calm that exists in me. (15)

Going overboard on anything, even piety and extreme asctecism, is not discipline (16). I know I'm often guilty of that, so I'll have to watch it. Meditating all day is not necessary or helpful at this point. Half an hour a day is enough. Again, the rewards are great.

When a man disciplines his diet

And diversions, his physical actions,

His sleeping and waking,

Discipline destroys sorrow.

One becomes truly free when one can make choices instead of being driven by tastes and preferences, cravings and desires. Easwaran says one can have total control over sleeping and waking, even over dreams. That's where I'm going to leave it for the day. Only let me remember this, that all of the great sorrow I feel can be dispelled by the simple expedient of sitting down for half an hour every day.

April 30

I guess it's time to think about discipline again. Krishna continues to offer a picture of what a disciplined person is like, and the rewards of such discipline.

Absolute joy beyond the senses

Can only be grasped by understanding [jnana]

When one knows it, he abides there

And never wanders from the reality. v.21

Why would one leave? Joy beyond the senses means better than sex, better than pie and ice-cream, better than a sunset, better than teaching, than gazing into a lover's eyes – once one's had that, why would one ever trade it in for the petty fun of one-upmanship, or a cigarette, etc.?

He gives explicit instructions that would be really useful, I'm sure, if I was meditating daily and knew where the pitfalls or difficulties further along the path lie.

Arming herself with discipline,

Seeing everything with an equal eye,

She sees the self in all creatures,

And all creatures in the self. v. 29

I'm going to make the language female-oriented from now on. It's important to me. Phyllis and I talked about how, though they may be small traumas, the words of exclusion, belittling, un or undervalue, they do add up, making little dents and bruises on the soul. About the verse – all things are One. Since we are selfish creatures, use the self to understand the reality. When I see a person or a dog or whomever, I should be saying "There I go" and also seeing them in myself. This is the start of real liberation. If I could truly enjoy another's success as mine, and see my success as truly theirs, I'd be in good shape.

And from there (or simultaneously) I should turn from self and see God. I love this passage. And isn't it like what Jesus would say?

She who sees me everywhere

And sees everything in me

Will not be lost to me,

And I will not be lost to her. v.30

Throughout the Gita, Krishna is often so tender, it is no wonder he attracts so many devotees, including me.

I exist in all creatures.

So the disciplined man devoted to me

Grasps the oneness of life;

Wherever she is, she is in me

When she sees identity in everything,

Whether joy or suffering,

Through analogy with the self,

She is deemed a person of pure discipline.

At bottom, this is the same as Jesus' command to love others as you love yourself. Of course, it goes further; others ARE oneself! And like with Christianity, it is easy to love kittens and people who think like we do; much harder to love our enemies. But both Jesus and Krishna say it is necessary. Not because you will be rewarded by God, in Krishna's case, but because it is True. It is just accepting reality. Dick Cheney is me. I am Karl Rove. George Bush is me. Whoa. That is tough! How do I come to love them as I love Indy? As I love J? As I love Mom?

Maybe we don't expect perfection all at once? Especially from someone who is not meditating faithfully yet? This is the goal though. "when she sees identity in everything." Not "in the things she likes the looks of." Okay. Practice closer to home. With each student that walks into my office. Each faculty member who speaks to me. My doctors and their staffs. Okay. And the members of my family.