It's Okay to Be a Three Year Old (June 1-3, 2007)

To think there was a moment I was worried I might lose the pain before I could learn enough! Seems a little silly, in retrospect. Obviously, I haven't learned near enough yet, as I keep learning the same lessons over and over again. It seems like every couple weeks my body lets me know it has a new plan for how I can learn something more about either patience, humility, or something equally wonderful to have and equally unpleasant to actually obtain. I'm afraid I'm being particularly dense this time around about accepting things as they are. I find myself railing against the endless winter though it is only February, and being angry when it seems I went through surgery for nothing because the problems are reasserting themselves, or when new physical problems develop. I wish my larger Self, the universe, God, my body - whoever is in charge - would just give me a little time to rest and recoup before I had to deal with another round.

Now, how is that for whining? And some of you thought you were good at it! hah! I'm telling you, I am not doing a good job of practicing detachment or acceptance. But I'm working on it.

June 1, 2007

It hasn't been easy, this past week. In fact, it has been so hard that I feel I'll never recover. I'm sure that can't actually be true. I hope and pray that in a week, this will be all-but-forgotten and I'll be revelling in the relief the epidural will bring. Please let it! I'm worried that the shot isn't going to work, that all of this will have been for nothing, physically, since it hasn't kicked in yet. I guess I could look it up in my journal, see for sure how long it took last time. It was gradual, snuck up on me. Perhaps if my head and spine weren't hurting, the side would also stop.

I simply have to accept that I am doing what I can. Make sure that I am doing all I can, and let the rest go.

I had some success yesterday, remembering I am not whitethoughts. Still seems funny to write. Keep thinking that if I progress along the path I'm travelling, the purpose of journaling will change or go away. Why spend so much time writing about an "I" that doesn't exist? Still a long way away. I still believe in whitethoughts. Things are shifting in me. I've begun to feel, when I slip into begging, that I am praying to my Self. I still feel funny saying it because in the Western Christian context it sounds delusional, but my inner picture of God, of whom I am praying to, was first an overlay/hologram type image of Jesus/Krishna – meshed and overlapping and coming in and out of focus. But now I'm starting to see me in there as well, and J, and Indy. A good step, in part because it highlights the ridiculousness of begging for anything – from one's self? If one has the power to affect reality, just do it! Alas, I'm not that capable of directing my will yet. Probably for the damn good reason that I'm not remotely wise enough to use that power correctly.

For example, would I have given myself the lesson in humility, helplessness, detachment and meditation of last week? No WAY! I would give J a job – a high paying teaching job, and take away my own pain. Pretty amazingly selfish, eh? First thought wasn't about Doug, or our goddaughters, or Mom and Dad. So – okay. Thank goodness I don't have (conscious and direct) access to the reality machine. In which case, don't expect begging to disappear right away. Begging is a relief, a release. Begging may be the wrong word, but really that is what it is. Pleading? Throwing myself on the mercy of whoever is in charge?

Point – I am at least beginning to figure it out. That I – or my real Self is in control. What I'm finding, by thinking of myself in the third person, is that my compassion for myself grows. I do begin to see her and her struggles more objectively. But also it is bleeding over into how I see J, and my compassion and love for him also grows. It's after 7, so let me just say this – the 15^th Teaching supports the identification I am making between my Self and Krishna/Jesus/God.

When the lord takes on a body

And then leaves it . . . v.8

Men of discipline who strive

See him present within themselves;

But without self-mastery and reason,

Even those who strive fail to see. v. 11

I dwell deep

In the heart of everyone v. 15

Other is the supreme spirit of man,

Called the supreme self,

The immutable lord who enters

And sustains the three worlds v.17

Whoever knows me without delusion

As the supreme spirit of man

Knows all there is, Arjuna –

He devotes his whole being to me. v.19

June 2

[Detailed discussion of session with pain therapist]

Phyllis had an inspiration while watching me meditate, that mudras might be helpful for me.

I know for sure there are important things to learn from pain. Maybe I have to get to the point where I am truly grateful for each twinge before the pain will go away. Wow; it's hard to get there. I am fighting resentment. I know in my head that life is not fair, that all we ought to expect is more suffering, and that in the grand scheme of things, I have it very easy. I know that there are parts of me that feel resentful toward God and the Universe and all these other people walking around with no pain. Couldn't they stand to learn some patience? Some non-attachment? Disinterest? Sacrifice? Love? Why me?

Oh geez. Silly! Because I know why me! Because me wants to learn those things. My larger Self, for sure. But even my conscious self. I want, with all my heart, to be a better person. So the pain is a way to do that. The pain is a gift, given in love, to provide me an opportunity to learn to be a better person, in all the ways I understand that to mean, and probably more. That means I can't waste it. What if it heals, goes away without my learning anything? Wouldn't that be terrible? I should appreciate every precious moment, as they may go away and never come again. Wow. Can I do that? What does it mean about pain medication? I don't think I'm ready to embrace the pain so much that I give that up totally. I do still have to work. But maybe I can begin to ask myself, if it isn't to do a duty, fulfill a responsibility, at those times I can let the pain be what it is. Even with the meds, there is plenty of pain to learn from.

I guess the lesson for today is that one must fulfill one's duty regardless of discomfort.

June 3

[Discussion of pain (always), work to be done (always) and the proper use of a journal]

One thing I'm consciously working on is getting better control over my thoughts. I have always spent a lot of mental energy replaying conversations, having imaginary confrontations, and especially fixating on moments and issues that angered or hurt me. Easwaran – and of course the Gita – reiterate that we must have mental discipline. Not just when sitting down to meditate but all of the time. Why do I allow my mind to replay a hurtful scene, or to dwell on a slight, or imagine a thousand different ways my students might hate me? Yes, occasionally it is helpful to rehearse something, but most of the time such yammering serves no helpful purpose. So I have been trying to catch myself each time my mind begins. And here again the mantra saves me. I attempt to redirect my mind's attention to the mantra, and let go of the replay or rehearsal. It is quite difficult. A minute later I find my mind has returned to the same old sad story, and I have to re-direct it, over and over. Easwaran promises, based on a lot of experience, that eventually I will have to redirect it less often, and that it will become less frequent that the mind even begins down that road.

Easwaran promises that each repetition of the mantra is like one shovel-full of dirt, bringing us closer to the center as we dig our way down. Thus the mental energy that was getting wasted in an imaginary argument is now being used, being harnessed, to bring us closer to god.

I have so many opportunities for this. Perhaps everyone is like this, but I feel I may be one of the worst offenders, as my mind is a real chatterbox. It never shuts up. If I can manage this turnaround, it will mean I have made an automatic-shovel, and can be digging my way toward God at a constant, steady pace. A way to turn a negative personality trait into a positive god-seeking tool.

Also, I want to report that I have more moments that I used to in which my mind is still. It is wonderful. Obviously, as soon as I recognize the stillness I've created a ripple, but maybe I'll get better about just letting it be, as it becomes less of a novelty.

Hey – maybe that's why I've been able to enjoy going to the movies more – my mind is actually able to attend only to the film for longer chunks of time, instead of rattling on about other things. And all of this growth has happened before I've even been able to begin meditating! At least, meditating the way I intend to.

It's possible that I had to do some of this work, get some practice with the mantra, before I was able to meditate. My mind may have been so undisciplined that it simply couldn't bring itself to truly contemplate meditation. It was last Saturday I felt ready to try. But the headache was truly too intense and I just could not stand to sit up for the full 30 minutes. I feel ready again. I'm eager to see what results daily meditation will bring when I've begun to see such wonderful benefits from just getting better at remembering to say the mantra, and from studying the Gita, of course.

I am a little worried that I am too focused on the fruit. But I think I should let go of that worry. I am too focused on the fruit – the clear, calm mind. The loving, patient, wise personality. But oh well! We all have to start somewhere. I am not mature. Big deal. Neither are three year olds. They aren't bad for being three and not 30, or 90. That is just where they are. If, in terms of meditation, or self-discipline and contemplation, I am less evolved than an infant – well, so be it. I'm an infant. A fetus, even. I need to be more compassionate toward myself.

If my brain begins reciting an old argument or repeating a stupid song, there is no need to berate it, yelling and punishing and being mean, as is my wont. No, just gently correct. Gently redirect. A kindly, "No dear, let's think about God instead" is much more appropriate. I need to remember how young and immature this person is. There is no need to yell at her. Just kindly, with compassion, steer her into the right path.

I know Christianity does not have to be punitive, that in fact Jesus taught compassion and forgiveness. But I picked up very bad habits as a Christian; habits of self-hatred and self-punishment. I categorized my behavior as "bad" or "wrong" any time it was less than Jesus-like perfection, and took myself into terrible cycles of guilt and remorse and shame. I refuse to bring that baggage into this new place. There is no judgment here. No final Judgement Day, no hell, and no punishment except what you give yourself. Be who and where you are. Try to grow. Learn from your mistakes. Correct yourself when you catch yourself taking an unhelpful turn. That's it. No scourge. No inventive self-tortures. Those aren't helpful. They are not kind, patient, compassionate, gentle, forgiving, disinterested – and therefore are not true, not correct. So leave them alone.

There is a lot in the 16^th and 17^th Teachings about this. In the 16^th, The Divine and Demonic in Man, Krishna describes each type of man. The list of adjectives is worth memorizing and repeating, but here I want to note that they apply to one's dealing with oneself, too.

Hypocrisy, arrogance, vanity,

Anger, harshness, ignorance;

These characterize a man

Born with demonic traits v.4

Is it not hypocrisy to preach compassion and then be cruel to oneself? Is it not arrogance and vanity that cause me to think that I alone of all humans should be held to Jesus' standards for himself? What ego to believe I should be perfect at the start! Anger and harshness directed at myself – just a small creature – are just as wrong as if directed at someone else – a small child, a bunny rabbit.

Confused by endless thoughts,

Caught in the net of delusion,

Given to satisfying their desires . . . v. 16

Submitting to individuality, power,

Arrogance, desire, and anger,

They hate me and revile me

In their own bodies, as in others v. 18

And in the 17^th Teaching, Three Aspects of Faith, Krishna, is explaining the "threefold mature of faith inherent in the embodied self" v.2, and after describing sacrifices he says:

Men who practice horrific penances

That go against traditional norms

Are trapped in hypocrisy and individuality,

Overwhelmed by the emotion of desire v.5

Without reason, they torment

The elements composing their bodies,

And they torment me within them;

Know them to have demonic resolve v.6

I am no longer even self-disciplined enough to torture my body in penance, but since childhood this has been my bent. My sinfulness is in how I hypocritically require perfection from myself in exchange for love. It is hard for me to accept the verdict of hypocrisy. The thing I most dislike, most hate, in myself and others. But look how the word keeps showing up in the context of self-punishment. I can't deny it. Ouch. So I have to stop doing these things in my head.

My guess is, from the little experience I've had, that once I am able to be kinder to myself, I will find I'm more compassionate toward others, as well.

May 26 – 31, 2007

May 26, 2007

It's still a bit chilly to sit outside on the deck. I'm trying to wrap and tuck myself up so I can stay out here.

The Fourteenth Teaching: The Triad of Nature's Qualities

In the third verse, Krishna begins to explain how it is that nature exists, how all this matter of the universes comes into being. He uses words we can understand, wombs and embryos and seeds, but it seems a mistake to read this too literally. "My womb," he says, ". . . is Brahman; in it I place the embryo and from this comes the origin of all living creatures."

The infinite spirit is the great womb

Of all forms that come to be

In all wombs,

And I am the seed-giving father. v. 4

Brahman is feminine, Krishna masculine – but of course Krishna is brahman and so are we. So it's a way of explaining it. Somehow brahman splits itself – the first division? – Its parts we label in our way male and female.

The part that seems most revelatory to me right now is next, where Krishna explains how the infinite spirit makes itself into nature. Maybe limited by its own knowledge (maybe this is what we are learning to enable us to change form?) brahman creates nature, and nature has three qualities. Maybe it is that for there to be anything, there has to be a dark side. Or again, maybe that just appears to be true at this stage of brahman's growth. In any case, the worlds, or rather the substance out of which univeres and worlds are made is called "nature," and it has 3 parts – the gunas, or qualities of nature.

Recall that the last teaching concluded by saying we are not nature, we are free of nature. But it doesn't appear that way to us because we have participated in this experiment. Those parts that are ready to end the experiment must first understand the "nature" of their bondage, or the conditions of the participation.

Lucidity, passion, dark inertia

The qualities inherent in nature

Bind the unchanging

Embodied self in the body. v. 5

So there you go – this is the material that issues out of brahman, out of the womb. The three qualites are all intertwined. In verse 6, Krishna says lucidity binds us with attachment to joy and knowledge. Passion, v. 7, is emotional and binds us with attachment to action. Dark inertia, "born of ignorance, as the delusion of every embodied self" binds us with negligence, indolence and sleep. V.8.

One can see immediately why this is so; how could brahman play hide and seek without hiding? Each part of brahman that participates, each "self" must accept forgetting, ignorance, delusion. Without that, the experiment wouldn't be real. It must be built in, and so it must be that some selves either were able to forget better, or they reveled more in the delusion, or they were weaker and couldn't find their way out of the delusions for longer, or all three with different selves. Maybe the proportions of the gunas are a bit different, or were a bit different at the start. Why not? Some selves got more lucidity, some more passion, and some more dark inertia.

But of course these are simply the forms – the real Self, the omnipotent, omniscient, eternal Self, is in there, or above or something, and knows what's going on – the Lord, consenting and enjoying and watching how it plays out.

We can therefore manipulate the amounts of the qualities of nature. Give ourselves to passion and "greed and activity, involvement in actions, disquiet and longing arise" – this seems like the main goal of the experiment, since in v.18 Krishna says those who give themselves to passion 'stay inbetween" while those of lucidity go up and inertia go down.

Again, it isn't "wrong" to give oneself up to any of the three; it's all just about where you want to be.

When lucidity prevails,

The self whose body dies

Enters the untainted worlds

Of those who know reality v.14

This must/might be a real place, a very cool kind of "watcher" place, where we can watch the action and learn from it – maybe still in separate bodies. This is my idea of heaven!

When he dies in passion,

He is born among lovers of action;

So when he dies in dark inertia,

He is born into wombs of folly v. 15

The latter doesn't sound so good to me now, but perhaps it did at one time? And maybe I'm not really ready to leave the arena of passion, of action and emotion. I guess only time will tell. But certainly I yearn for that place of lucidity, that community of those "who know reality."

Arjuna asks how it is that we can come to realize we are not this nature at all – how can we cross over the gunas and get back to the Self, maybe to the Whole. Krishna responds:

He does not dislike light

Or activity or delusion;

When they cease to exist

He does not desire them v.22

It isn't like Christianity, Judaism or Islam where spiritual growth is in loving good more and hating evil more. No, there is no hate here. No dislike, even.

He remains disinterested

Unmoved by the qualities of nature;

He never wavers, knowing

That only qualities are in motion v. 23 (my emphasis)

So instead of being angry at myself, say, for eating brownies, I "should" only observe that the qualities of passion and of inertia are in motion. When I read about ignorant people doing hateful things, my emotions "should" not be disturbed, as again it is only the qualities of nature that are doing their thing – doing their part in the experiment I helped to design.

Disinterested here doesn't mean "having no interest," no curiousity. It means not being invested in a particular outcome. Like a good scientist, be intersted in how the data turn out, but not emotionally invested such that if an ant or a bacterium or a computer program does one thing we feel despair, if another happiness. Whatever the data are, they are "good," interesting.

Krishna repeats all he's said before about remaining indifferent to blame or praise, hot or cold. Abandoning involvement, and now it makes more sense. Like the analogy I've used in the past; if I were to play chess against myself to better understand the game, it truly wouldn't matter which side won. Either way, it's still me, and the purpose – to understand the game better – has been realized. This pain – it is a game. Whether I cry and wail, whether I give in and take medication, whether I learn to retreat into meditation – they will all have different results in my life and in the next life this self embodies. But they don't touch the real me except to give me more information.

Can I watch it unfold with dispassion? It has been an interesting life so far. Can I watch my Dad's life with disinterest? With compassion? Can I remember that his Self is learning, just like mine? It is the qualities of nature moving that I see, not Him, as He really is.

May 31

[In the intervening 5 days, I had a spinal headache from a mistake made during an epidural, when Dr. C "nicked the dura" in my spine, leaking spinal fluid into my brain. After a trip to the emergency room (where they diagnosed a migraine – wrong!) and an eventual blood patch, I was finally feeling better]

What a waste! Four days, completely lost! I did deepen my use of the mantra; I guess that makes it not a complete loss. Last time I wrote, Saturday, I really did try to meditate. I gave it 15 minutes, but could not hold the words through the pain of that headache. I really tried. Had to lie down, though, and then switched to the mantra and slept.

I clung to the mantra, repeating it endlessly, or countlessly, over the five days, and it helped me stay alive. Helped me find a place in myself where the body was not quite as loud or as powerful. Not exactly as Easwaran suggests – he doesn't say one should use mantram to enter meditative states, which is what those places were. But the whole experience deepened me, I think. I hope. Hope it wasn't a complete waste. I kept trying to remind myself that my Self had consented to this happening, had consented to my being in that pain, so I better try to figure out why.

Reciting the mantra was the only response I was able to muster, so I hope that was enough. Enough that my wonderful Self doesn't think I need any more of that pain right now, I hope.

I'm not sure why I was confused before by the 15^th Teaching: the True Spirit of Man. In it Krishna says what he has said before, just with different metaphors.

He begins with the idea of a tree – an upside down tree, whose roots are in the air, branches below. The Tree of Life, of nature, that is. The roots are the Truth, the Eternal Self, but the branches are the Self in nature, and are thus composed of the three gunas, I'm guessing.

Its branches

Stretch below and above,

Nourished by nature's qualites,

Budding with sense objects;

Aerial roots

Tangled in actions

Reach downward

Into the world of men. v. 2

Nourished by nature's qualities – lucidity, passion, dark inertia, the tree of life grows sense objects – worlds, right? – With all their visual, sensual parts. And by nature of its qualities, like passion, the branches get entangled in actions, karma. I guess I'm not adding much by what I'm writing, but I feel I'm "getting" it. In the third verse, he says, "cut down this tree with the axe of detachment."

Maybe it isn't really "cutting down the tree" which sounds violent and doesn't appeal to my "green" politics, but shifting the way one looks at the tree. Realize it is a game, a metaphor, a trick of the light. All through my hellish headache I tried to remember to practice that – detachment. I would say to myself – "Poor whitethoughts, she's having a terrible time with that headache!" I tried my hardest to remember, to KNOW, that it wasn't me, not my real Self, and to therefore be detached, disinterested. Let me tell you, that isn't easy.

And right now whitethoughts is waging a battle with her side. The pain wants to control her mind. Maybe not the battle epic songs will recount, but a plenty intense battle nonetheless, and all between parts of the same whole we call "whitethoughts". I just need to keep practicing this disinterest. Be a detached observor of my own life. Of whitethought's life. It will be interesting to see how she manages to catch up on all the work she's missed, and how she manages to get this summer class to come together around the description she wrote. Here's to her effort!

May 16-17, 2007

May 16, 2007

[Jerry Falwell had died, and the pika was reported nearly extinct, which produced a crying jag while watching the news]

The Tenth Teaching: Fragments of Divine Power

This is what I need, though at first it wasn't speaking to me. I need to believe what Krishna is saying here (and in the Ninth) about who he is (and what we are). As J said when my crying stopped, the world is exactly as it is supposed to be. Hard – so hard, to believe, when it seems every thing about it is ruined. Krishna tells Arjuna, "Desiring your good, I speak to deepen your love." No human can really grasp what he is, so he tries to use words and images we can understand.

I am the source of everything,

And everything proceeds from me;

Filled with my existence, wise men

Realizing this are devoted to me.

This reminds me of a recent "thought of the day" (I signed up to get them thru e-mail from Easwaran) in which several fables or stories were told about how we humans cling to what is in our hands, when God is offering us much greater treasure. But we must let go of the tiny treasure we have in order to grasp the greater. Why does my mind make the connection? I guess because in many ways I am holding on to my own vision of the world, and how it works and what it is for. And Krishna is saying "drop all that!" Here I am, the source of everything. Drop your ideas and take this one. I am Lord of all Univeres and you can have me! You can BE me! And he goes on, saying that if we think and live deep in him, and are disciplined in our pursuit (i.e. meditate), and we devote our selves to him with affection, "I give the discipline of understanding by which men come to me." v. 10. I think he's saying if we do our part, he'll give us even more discipline, so we can cross that bridge across the magic of delusion he spoke of in Teaching Seven. It reminds me of something in Christianity, where Jesus says "to those that have, more will be given." Maybe that is what he really meant, and not the capitalist, unfair interpretation that so tempts one.

Dwelling compassionately

Deep in the self,

I dispel darkness born of ignorance

With the radiant light of knowledge. v.11

Arjuna has a breakthrough. He gets it. He has an epiphany in which he really understands what Krishna is saying and he speaks out, acknowledging and repeating Krishna's qualities. And one of the phrases he uses, along with words like "infinite, eternal, unborn, omnipotent" is "man's spirit" and further:

You know yourself through the self.

Krishna, Supreme among Men,

Sustainer and Lord of Creatures,

God of Gods, Master of the Universe! v.15

That phrase – doesn't it mean - doesn't it support the idea that god is playing hide-and-seek? That the purpose of humans is to come to know Itself better? The way to understand consciousness is to break oneself up into bits, fragments, and watch what they do. How else does One, alone and supreme, come to understand itself except in this way, by studying what comes out of it? Like a great artist learning something about her subconscious by seeing her own paintings.

I don't have time to get to all the images Krishna gives of himself that most resonate with me, but it is helpful to remember some of the last bits:

I am death the destroyer of all, the source of what will be v.34 and:

Whatever is powerful, lucid,

Splendid or invulnerable

Has its source in a fragment

Of my brilliance

What use is so much knowledge

To you, Arjuna?

I stand sustaining this entire world

With a fragment of my being.

This helps me. I don't believe this world, or even this Universe, is it. That pika will keep living, in some way. There will be creatures beyond my ability to fathom in every dimension including number, which will come and go, as Brahman breathes worlds into being and destroys them.

May 17

[Feeling a little end-of-semester let down and taking an end-of-first-year-inventory]

I do feel better in some ways now that I'm not beating my head against the wall trying to understand why Yahweh would allow all of this to happen. I can understand why Krishna, or really Brahman, or really us – would allow, even foster it. But I still find it difficult to take, to live through. I guess I need to think about it more, meditate on it, allow myself to "grok" it. Then it wouldn't hurt so much. Or no – the whole point may be to feel pain, to increase compassion. But yes, the pain then has meaning. And it can be analyzed. Isn't that my job as part of god, part of the collective? To understand better how all of this works? To stand back from it with a part of oneself. Krishna keeps remarking, directing our attention, to his detachment. It's his world, his very being, yet he remains detached.

It's funny, that detachment is in the service of attachment, the connection of all us critters. The two keep going together in paradoxical ways.

I read a short story by David G______ in Fantasy Sci Fi, of all places, that was great. It was real, it came straight from the gut, and it had to have been at least partially experienced by the author. Its point is that the narrator, who has all these experiences, keeps getting 'pinged' and he goes through his life wondering who it is. God? Aliens? Devils? He doesn't know. But it happens in these moments of intense relationship, intimacy, connection with other people. And at the end he finally realizes it isn't God or Aliens, it's us. We humans figuring out who we are, that we are One. One fully intimate collective. More, we are the same thing, same person. It was a cool story that I'm not describing very well.

I suppose the truth of Hinduism does sound like science fiction in some ways. It certainly sounded kooky to physicists at first – but guess who's listening to them now?! It is so hilarious and spooky and wildly cool that the world's oldest organized religion and the world's most cutting edge physics agree with one another about so many things. And the most cutting edge medicine, neuroscience, mathematics, etc.

The Eleventh Teaching: The Vision of Krishna's Totality

Here Arjuna, having realized with his head who Krishna is, asks to see his form – his true form. Krishna gives Arjuna divine eyes so he will be able to see what humans normally could not bear to see. At first it's all great. Arjuna sees all of creation, all of this world and many others, all the gods, everything – existing inside Krishna's wondrous body.

Arjuna saw all the universe

In its many ways and parts

Standing as one in the body

Of the god of gods.

He says:

Lord of All,

I see no end,

Or middle or beginning

To your totality.

What really gets me is that after he lists out all the amazing incredible things that he sees in Krishna, he says:

You are to be known

As supreme eternity,

The deepest treasure

Of all that is

The immutable guardian

Of enduring sacred duty [dharma];

I think you are

Man's timeless spirit. v. 18

After he sees all that, more than words could ever describe, he comes to the conclusion that he is "man's timeless spirit." I don't think he's saying just that Krishna created and put his spark into man; he is saying Krishna is man. We are him. Whoa. Yet it is still too much for Arjuna to take. Especially as his attention is drawn to the more terrifying terrible destructive side.

That will have to wait until tomorrow. The part we haven't gotten to yet – Krishna devours the worlds, too. The world, going to hell fast, might be exactly the way it is supposed to be. I may be feeling pain and anger, but its all part of the mosaic, all part of what we need to learn, individually and collectively. Will try to hold that thought.

May 9-12

I'm getting a bit impatient with these old ones, again, but I am torn about posting new things based on scripture I'm reading, and don't have a lot of time all of the time anyway, so I'm just going to speed up the release schedule. At least for now.

May 9, 2007

Let me get in a little of the 9^th Teaching. I'd left off right before verse four. In it he says that "all creatures exist in me, but I do not exist in them." This is after he's already told us that our innermost selves, Atman, is him, so he is in us.

Behold the power of my discipline;

These creatures are not really in me;

My self quickens creatures,

Sustaining them without being in them.

Then in v. 6 he says again that creatures are in him. I guess what he must be getting at is that the way this is – is beyond our ability to conceptualize. Maybe the laws of our universe, or the nature of our brains, prevent us from being able, truly, to get it. To even make a concept about it. And therefore, there's no point getting hung up on who exists in whom.

What we should look at is what he's trying to teach us about detachment, about action without desire. Because he begins with "behold my discipline" I can create whole worlds, full of creatures who are each a soul, each part of me. Creatures who are cute and noble and tragic and evil – I can create them and care for them and watch them without attachment! Without getting involved, without saving individuals from hardship or death or (listen, girl!) from their own terrible, stupid decisions. That is a feat! I think that is the larger point he's making but maybe I'm missing something.

May 12

Still in the Ninth Teaching, the Sublime Mystery. I believe I had written that Krishna was showing us the art of detachment. But then he continues to discuss his true nature – as something beyond nature. He talks about those who are deluded, but also about those who, seeking Truth, end up worshipping Krishna through the means available to them in their cultures. At least, that's how I read it.

Sacrificing through knowledge,

Others worship my universal presence

In its unity

And in its many different aspects. v. 15

Krishna is saying that people who are devout, in whatever "religion" they practice, are indeed being heard by Truth, or the Absolute Reality, Universal Being.

However, he is also saying that those who get stuck on the image, the particular aspect, will have a limited reward. Remember the video [one of a series created for public television I believe - or BBC? - with David Carradine as narrator], a Hindu guru explains that the gods are fingers pointing the way to liberation, to Nirguna Brahman, but some people get hung up looking at the finger, instead of looking where it is pointing.

And that's okay. Krishna says if that is what you want, take it, be happy with it, enjoy it. But know that its joys are limited. You'll find yourself again searching. "When they have long enjoyed the world of heaven and their merit is exhausted, they enter the natural world." v.21

Applied to narrow-minded Christians (or Muslims or members of any faith), he's saying if their reward, the thing they long for is a heaven with literal streets of gold, angels with halos and pearly gates, then that is what they will have. But even that will one day pall, be unsatisfying, and they'll find themselves wanting more.

We get what we want. Over and over, until we finally learn to want the things that will satisfy us. Oh – a good food analogy: you can (and I do) crave brownies and cake and French fries. And you can have those things. All you want. But if you are maturing, then eventually you'll become aware how unsatisfyig those foods are, how they are not actually nourishing your body, how they weren't intended to keep your system running. So eventually they will make you unwell. As you become wiser, you realize you need food with nutrients, and you begin to crave healthy foods. And when you eat them, they are deeply satisfying, as your cells quickly respond and grab what they need from the food and use the nutrients to repair and build a healthy, well-functioning body.