Plowing through the Pain last March 14-18

Wow, all of my family and friends have been writing such interesting and thought-provoking blogs that I feel guilty for just posting old thoughts on my own. Nevertheless, once begun, I feel I must finish, and since I stopped keeping a journal somewhere early last fall, we are nearly done. I've been catching up on everyone else's blogs, and mulling over what I want to comment on. And I ought to have some pictures to put up here soon, too. There will be some new entries on my professional blogs soon, for those who follow those, as well. Busy times! But I can't tell you all how wonderful it is to wake up in the morning and know that the day is mine! All mine! I can do with it whatever I want! Starting tomorrow, that will have to include work, but it can be whichever work I want! What luxury.

March 14, 2007

49

The Master has no mind of her own.

She works with the mind of the people.

She is good to people who are good.

She is also good to people who aren't good.

This is true goodness.

She trusts people who are trustworthy.

She also trusts people who aren't trustworthy.

This is true trust.

The Master's mind is like space.

People don't understand her.

They look to her and wait.

She treats them like her own children.

Like Jesus' teachings, and those of all wise men, much more than the golden rule – trust even those you know will lie to you. And maybe, eventually, they won't.

The first verse is a little difficult. Maybe it is like my teaching philosophy; instead of concentrating on what YOU know, and want them to know, concentrate on where THEY are and what they are thinking. Lead them to make their own discoveries.

March 15

50

The Master gives herself up

To whatever the moment brings.

She knows that she is going to die,

And she has nothing left to hold on to:

No illusions in her mind,

No resistances in her body.

She doesn't think about her actions;

They flow from the core of her being.

She holds nothing back from life;

Therefore she is ready for death,

As a man is ready for sleep

After a good day's work.

Boy, I have a lot of work to do before I'm here. Over the last two years I've gotten better. Since I began reading the Gita, I think. I began to work at it – by which I mean try to be aware and to change my behavior when I catch it – being more present in the moment, giving my whole self to whatever was happening right then.

I know I began to give my cat more attention, to stop my scurrying from one project to the next and give her what she needed. And I do things like, when Jim starts telling me something from the paper, I put my pen down and try to give him my full attention. But only once or twice per morning. I fear he would read the whole paper to me and I would have no time left to write or read, and I am still clinging to that. I don't want to give it up. I did when we were first married. In fact, I didn't keep a journal for 8 years, except when I was away from home. I wanted to give my attention to him, and share the morning with him in that way. I have tried to maintain some balance, but I have so little time any more for anything that feeds my soul – little snatches of minutes in the morning to read and write, no time ever to be alone.

The pain complicates everything. It so limits my energy that I feel I can't give up any of it when there is work to be done. And it sometimes makes it impossible to lie down or stay sitting or whatever it is. But I can do better. I can do better in every area – give myself more fully to my students, for example. Some days I do great – become utterly lost in the class and the students. But what about the times I am thinking about the next class or the next lesson or the meeting later, etc.? Especially in that first class of the day. Maybe if I was more fully present with them I would be able to figure out how to reach them better.

Of course I "know" that I am going to die. But do I really know it? I doubt it. If I did, I wouldn't take some things so seriously. The idea of having nothing left to hold on to is frightening. I'm still clinging to so many things – to Jim, my cats, my Mom and sisters, and nieces and nephews and Dad (maybe even more to my illusions about him), my books and writing and students and research and doing a good job and getting tenure and Morrowind and Pogo badges (tho I've let them go to a considerable extent), and the list could go on and on.

I understand that all religions say I have to let those things go. Of course we will all face the day when we will be forced by death to lose them. How much better if we can prepare by letting go of them ourselves? And I believe what the Buddha and all the sannyasin have found, that by letting go, by stopping our attempts to "own" things and people, we become able to appreciate them so much more. But trusting that is hard. Very difficult to just let go of people you love, and all the material things that promise protection and comfort. So, a lot of work right there in letting go of these things. But wait . . . there's more!

We are also to have let go of all the illusions in our minds and the resistances of our bodies. Where to even begin? My body had resistances even before this pain. And now? Its one big knot of resistance.

Isn't it amazing and kind of disheartening that I still – just a day later – was still talking about all of this stuff as "work"? It is so hard to change a lifetime pattern.

March 16

[I had a thoracic epidural on the 13^th, and had been waiting to see if it would help]. I'm worn out by pain and lack of sleep. Can't really think straight. Maybe I might be able to get away with lying on the couch with my novel for a bit this morning before I get back to grading? I feel trapped – caged – by pain. There is no escape now. My side hurts all the way around from breastbone to spine, and then there's the spine itself. This morning I discovered the reason for my hand's tenderness – my left hand, where the nurse hit a valve – has a large, deep bruise, the entire space of the back of my palm. Because I needed one more voice in the orchestra of pain.

51

Every being in the universe

Is an expression of the Tao.

It springs into existence,

Unconscious, perfect, free,

Takes on a physical body,

Lets circumstances complete it.

That is why every being

Spontaneously honors the Tao.

The Tao gives birth to all beings,

Nourishes them, maintains them,

Cares for them, comforts them, protects them,

Takes them back to itself,

Creating without posessing,

Acting without expecting,

Guiding without interfering.

That is why the love of the Tao

Is in the very nature of things.

What I first thought was, "How is this different from the sayings of the Upanishads?" Really it's the same idea. And the second part is very like the Judeo-Christian-Muslim God, except that Yahweh is posessive, expectant and interfering. This, next to the Tao and Brahman, makes him look young, childish. Not modeling what he demands of his creations. I'm sure faithful Christians would see it differently, have a different way of explaining it. But the ones that I know do not know the other wisdom literature for comparison. I don't even know any right now that I can talk to and ask questions of that would not be defensive no matter how I put the questions.

March 17

St. Patrick's Day. 4:30 am. I am in a ridiculous amount of pain. I have really been trying to give the epidural the benefit of the doubt. I've been trying not to complain too much, to believe that it is helping, or at least not hurting. But the pain was awful all day yesterday, and woke me every two hours all night, and at 4:15 I could no longer take it. I'm not sure if the pain in my side was made worse by the shot; it hurt so badly before. But my spine is now a burning rod of fire. So maybe that pain itself has triggered the side, or maybe it all has generalized, flowed together, or maybe the epidural actually stimulated the virus again. Who knows? I just know it is close to unbearable.

I've tried self-relaxation and self-hypnosis techniques, which do help me bear it for a little while. But only a little while, while I'm doing them. For now I feel I just have to get up when it is bad, take meds, and sleep when I can. Try not to get too stressed about the lack of sleep, because the stress will only make it worse. Just do work when the meds have provided some relief, and sleep when possible in the daytime.

53

The Great Way is easy,

Yet people prefer the side paths.

Be aware when things are out of balance,

Stay centered within the Tao.

When rich speculators prosper

While farmers lose their land;

When government officials spend money

On weapons instead of cures;

When the upper class is extravagent and irresponsible

Whle the poor people have nowhere to turn –

All of this is robbery and chaos.

It is not in keeping with the Tao.

Isn't it amazing how much alike all the great religions, all the wise people of every tradition say basically the same thing about wealth and power? Yet our country continues to tick along believing socialism is the great Evil!

This is phrased differently than the Bible. Jesus said the way to perdition is broad, and the way to truth is narrow. Buddha said something similar to Jesus. But Lao-tzu, in keeping with the Taoist belief that life is easy (or should be), says the Way is easy – implying it is broad. Instead of having to work hard to do the right thing, he's saying it's actually harder to step off the Path. You have to work at being bad. What a different, and refreshing and hopeful way of looking at things. Life is easy. It is easy to do good, easy to be one's true self. There is a lot of room for you; you do not have to duck overhanging branches and skirt briars and cling to scrubs on narrow mountain passes, which is how I've always pictured Jesus' narrow path.

At the root they are saying the same thing; more people choose to take the wrong path. But I love the idea that the right way is a broad, paved (or smooth) road, with only gentle rises and large shoulders. Plenty of room, not too demanding. The side paths look interesting to us – maybe because they are hard. But we make that trouble for ourselves. It doesn't have to be that way. And while I'm probably not ready to completely let go of the side paths, I feel like I'm on one that crosses and runs close to the broad Way, so I can step onto it easily at times, or with less effort than before. If I would follow up on my commitment to meditate, I'd probably step on and maybe even walk a little on the Way more often.

I feel gentler in my soul. Less angry and stressed and confused. More trusting that it will all work out, more accepting of the way things are, more fully present more often. I am learning some of these lessons, slowly. I feel myself changing and I really like it. I wish I could make myself meditate. I think it is a matter of getting it into my routine. Plan it. But there is the problem. When? Where? When I first wake up I'm in too much pain. I love drinking my coffee and reading and writing, and I don't want to give that up. It's good for me, too. Go to work, come home, Jim feeds me dinner, and then we just veg on the couch – maybe work a little more, til it is time to go to bed. So that is really the only time I have for meditation and/or exercise. Sometimes there are shows I want to watch; mostly I want to spend time with Jim and just relax, just chill, because I'm exhausted and often in significant pain.

The Great Way is easy! All I have to do is step on to it. To move on, I am aware that things are very unbalanced, in the world and in my life. It is appropriate that in this phase of life I put most of my time and energy into work. The lack of effort I put into friendships and relationships with family is out of balance. The ration of sweet things and vegetables is lopsides. The affection I give the cats and my husband is unbalanced. I am aware, and am trying to step back into the center.

The world is so completely unbalanced that we've near destroyed it. Considering that Lao-tzu lived 2500 years ago, and knew of the corruptio and evil then, one must wonder if the world has ever been in balance. At least since there have been humans. Human beings are the flaw in the system. We have too much brain, too much power for the world to be balanced with us in it. The closes we can get, maybe, is humans on one side of the scale, and every thing else on the other. Maybe that is our central task, to find that balance. If so, we're screwed. I think we are further away from that than ever.

March 18

Speaking of similarities, this one is close to Jesus' parable:

54

Whatever is planted in the Tao

Will not be rooted up.

Whoever embraces the Tao

Will not slip away.

Her name will be held in honour

From generation to generation.

Let the Tao be present in your life

And you will become genuine.

Let it be present in your family

And your family will flourish.

Let it be present in your country

And your country will be an example

To all countries in the world.

Let it be present in the Universe

And the universe will sing.

How do I know this is true?

By looking inside myself.

I sometimes want to share these things with Mom, but I don't in any way want her to feel like I'm trying to pull her away from Christianity, or start an argument. I just want to share them, so she can marvel too, and can know me better, my spiritual journey.

Well, back to the meaning. How do I root and center my life in the Tao? How do I let it be present in my life, my family, my country, my universe? Isn't it always present? The Tao is not a person. So praying, which would be the answer in monotheistic and polytheistic and every other system, is not useful, really.

Meditation. We always come back to the same place. Look inside yourself. Drat! What is it? Am I just lazy? No way. Look at how hard I work. I cannot tell myself that old lie any more. I am afraid of something. Maybe just change. Maybe I know it will irrevokably change me and that scares me. Okay. Need to be aware and think that through.