April 25-26, 2007

I wish I could say I had truly mastered some of the things I figured out and wrote in this journal entry nearly two years ago. As I sit here today, trying to recover from the latest and by-far-the-hardest surgery, I am not finding it too easy to avoid labeling pain as "bad" and non-pain as "good." I've also gotten pretty bad about wishing the weather would change. The winters seem to go on and on, and I am so eager for spring to come, and to create flower and vegetable beds and watch green things grow. So it is good to re-read the Gita and my own thoughts about it. To remember that I once was capable of accepting things as they are. And then I'm going to order seeds, because there is nothing wrong with making plans - right? And some of these little guys can get started 8 weeks before the last frost : )

April 25, 2007

Fourth Teaching

In stanza 12, Krishna promises to devote himself to those who seek him. He then moves to a discussion of action.

I desire no fruits of actions,

And actions do not defile me;

One who knows this about me

Is not bound by actions (karma).

He acknowledges that the whole thing is confusing and obscure, but promises to reveal its meaning.

A man who sees inaction in action

And action in inaction

Has understanding among men,

Disciplined in all action he performs.

So, one who understands how people can act – go thru daily life – and not attract or accumulate karma, as well as those who, sitting quietly refusing to move – if undisciplined are still acting/attracting karma, is the person we want to be.

"When his plans lack constructs of desire" v. 19 that's a helpful phrase. It answers the question "How does one plan for the future, work toward goals, without there being some desire, some preference for one outcome over another?" Planning is okay, we somehow just need to not build desire and preference into them.

Verses, or stanzas 20-22 are helpful too. They provide a more detailed picture of what one should be like. More correctly, what wisdom looks like. But it seems impossible to attain! How can I teach myself to have no hope? No hope that J gets a job? No hope that my students learn from me? Perform actions only with my body. I think I see what that might mean, but cannot imagine it. v. 22:

Content with whatever comes by chance,

Beyond dualities, free from envy,

Impartial to failure and success,

He is not bound even when he acts.

It is one thing to be content with the weather. It actually took some work on my part, but I no longer complain about the weather, even inside. I take each day however it is and enjoy it, appreciate it. And there are some other areas I'm getting better at accepting whatever comes. But my Dad marrying someone he barely knows, my husband being rejected once again? These are hard! I'm learning not to label pain as bad, and to move beyond dualities in other arenas. But Bush and the horrors he's perpetrating in the world. Or even if we just looked at what his administration had done to science! I still strongly see them as "bad". Very bad.

Envy is not my biggest sin, but I do still feel it – about houses and clothes, and honors/awards/recognition. This brings me to that last one, about being impartial to success and failure. Wow. How does one ever get to that place?

The answer, reading the rest of this teaching, appears to be in sacrifice. Krishna explains all the different ways one can sacrifice. One can do it through ritual, the ancient fire rites of the Vedas. One can do it through contemplation – jnana yoga. One can do it through the discipline of raja yoga. One can become an ascetic, forgoing all earthly pleasures. Or through the discipline of breathing, or through fasting.

v. 32 Many forms of sacrifice

Expand toward the infinite spirit [Brahman]

Know that the source of them all

Is action, and you will be free

Know it by humble submission

By asking questions, and by service;

Wise men who see reality

Will give you knowledge.

It does seem like it would be a lot easier if I had a teacher, a wise person to whom I could turn, and to whom I could offer my service. But look at me – would it make any difference? I have wise teachers in books, who all tell me the same thing. Meditate!!!!! And yet I keep finding/making excuses for not doing it.

I think I am waiting for the end of the semester to get serious about it. Well then, I better make a promise. I believe in it. I believe it will change my life. I can think of it as an act of devotion. A real sacrifice that I can make that will move me closer to the person I want to be.

April 26

Today I'll complete my contemplation of the fouth teaching (for now). The great question of how to keep acting without incurring debt, without huring the earth or other people. But I am not feeling satisfied, or compelled to read and study. Maybe it isn't what I'm having the most trouble with? What am I struggling with most? With discipline. And with accepting what is, living in the present. And there have been words that speak directly to me about these issues, and offer some help.

Remember Krishna was explaining that one moves toward contentment, thru/beyond dualities by sacrifice. He listed all the ways we can sacrifice – tie that together with the earlier ideas about seeing God in everyone – all of one's small acts of kindness through the day, acts of love and service toward my husband and even those I don't like are all sacrifices, made in devotion to Krishna.

Striking how similar it is to Christianity, isn't it? The Christian saints and mystics knew that peace comes from making one's whole life a sacrifice. Offering up every thought and deed to God. And of course it is the same in Islam, too, and Judaism.

Krishna says, "Sacrifice in knowledge is better than sacrifice with natural objects" in v. 33. What exactly does this mean? It is followed by the exhortation to find a teacher, and submit oneself to them, as I noted yesterday. He means jnana knowledge, which is the knowledge of how things Really are, who oneself is. And offers such hope:

Even if you are the most evil

Of all sinners,

You will cross over all evil

On the raft of knowledge.

Just as in Christ's teaching, no one is lost.

There is no one and no sin that is unforgivable. But instead of asking for forgiveness, the answer and hope Krishna provides is that you can save yourself through knowledge. The only way one can get this knowledge is through meditation.

No purifier equals knowledge,

And in time

The man of perfect discipline

Discovers this in his own spirit

Faithful, intent, his senses

Subdued, he gains knowledge;

Gaining knowledge,

He soon finds perfect peace.

This might be jibberish if I didn't have other knowledge. What I believe he is saying is that the knowledge of jnana yoga is that the self is the Self; knowledge = knowing and identifying with one's eternal spirit, knowing one is god and has access to all the love, power, knowledge and skill of God, within one's Self.

But the only way to reach this understanding in anything but an intellectual way is through one-pointed contemplation, dedicated mindfulness. Meditation, in fact. If one is disciplined enough to practice this one-pointed mindfulness, one will discover one's Atman, the god-inside. It isn't a matter of faith or belief, if you are disciplined, this will happen.

Be faithful, not in terms of believing, but in doing. Faithfully meditate, every day. Be intent, mindful, concentrated, use effort. Subdue your senses – they do not need to be in charge – suggesting you should scratch, eat food, listen to a car going by, etc.

So sever the ignorant doubt

In your heart with the sword

Of Self-knowledge, Arjuna!

Observe your discipline! Arise!

When will I heed the call? I want what is promised – when oh when will I sit myself down and take it?

April 22 - 24

April 22

Third Teaching – Discipline of Action

Arjuna begins by begging for clarification, if understanding is better than action, why is Krishna telling him to fight?

Krishna explains that no one can live and not perform actions. It is nature, the quality of life itself. He mentions – source for Easwaran – how in meditation one's senses still supply information, and if you utterly withdraw, like in a sensory deprivation chamber, your mind will recreate sense objects. Through disciplined practice, one can control the senses, and not allow them to control you.

We have to act, so we should make every action a sacrifice to God. Only then can we be free from attachment. Perform actions with detachment. But that doesn't mean sloppy work, because each action should be good enough to offer as sacrifice. Krishna reminds Arjuna that there is nothing to be attained, yet Krishna himself keeps acting. If he did not "these worlds would collapse."

No wise man disturbs the understanding

Of ignorant men attached to action;

He should inspire them

Performing all acts with diligence.

Does this mean it is better for people to act, attached to action, than it is not to act at all? It does keep the world turning, ar a least all shook up. So the ignorant soldier who kills for glory is more useful to the universe than a secluded, solitary monk who tries very hard not to hurt anything? Wow.

The next stanza seems really important, but difficult for me to unravel. First we have to remember that the Sanskrit word "guna" means "qualities of nature," which are lucidity, passion, and dark inertia.

Actions are all effected

By the qualities of nature;

But deluded by individuality,

The self thinks "I am the actor."

When he can discriminate

The actions of nature's qualities

And think "the qualities depend

On other qualities," he is detached.

At first I read it as "affected," not "effected." So I didn't see that he is saying all actions, the things we do, are really done by guna, by nature. Following the rest of the passage, I believe he's saying that our senses and our desires which cause us to be attached are separate from our deep selves – Self. Maybe?

Since we are in bodies, we are all affected by nature, "creatures all conform to nature; what can one do to restrain them? (33)" Kind of like what I've said before, that our "sin" is our bodies, the desires that rise out of our bodies, like hunger/gluttony, softness/sloth, etc. and come out of our evolutionary history.

Attraction and hatred are poised

In the object of every sense experience;

A man must not fall prey

To these two brigands lurking on his path.

Everything that provides a sensory experience – every smell, feel, sound, taste, and sight invites or compels us to have preferences. To say "I like that" or "Yuck! Get it away!" These preferences get in the way of seeing things as they are. And they bind us further to our egos. I like, I hate, etc. We keep making self stronger, the illusion of self, each time we say something or think it, about sense objects.

The goal isn't to close oneself off from senses, but to appreciate all objects equally. A "bad smell" isn't bad in itself. I have to make that judgment and if I do, I'm not really appreciating the meaning or existence of the smell in itself, which is after all just another part of my Self (as brahman). Arjuna asks why we act against our wills, and Krishna verifies the above interpretation by saying desire and anger arise out of guna:

Know it here as the enemy;

Voracious and very evil!

As fire is obscured by smoke,

And a mirror by dirt,

As an embryo is veiled by its caul,

So is knowledge obscured by this.

And he goes on in detail about how desire, arisen from nature (our bodies?) makes it impossible to see the Truth. He exhorts Arjuna to "know the self beyond understanding, sustain the self with the self, and . . . kill the enemy menacing you in the form of desire."

Okay. Well. Where to start? So many places. But aren't we back to the lesson to not label things good or evil? To allow things (and people) to be what they are without making a division, not sorting into like and dislike?

I can start with the sound of the highway, which often really annoys me. The pain I'm already working on. People? That is really hard. To be able to NOT label Karl Rove, to feel neither pain nor pleasure at his name . . . that is going to take some big time practice.

April 23

Knowing I didn't fully explore all of the meaning or application of the 3^rd teaching, I'm still moving on.

Fourth Teaching

Arjuna hasn't understood yet who Krishna is, as he questions how Krishna could have taught the ancient discipline to the sun. So Krishna begins to tell him, and here is where it says he will come in every dark age. Oh! I just had a thought! We tend to speak of Buddha, Confucious, or at least Lao Tzu, Krishna and Jesus as possibly being divine incarnations that come at different dark moments to light the way – but in fact, all of them came at the same time – about 500 BCE, give or take 50 years (and maybe we should throw in Aristotle?). Except Jesus, who is off by half a millenium. So perhaps God comes all over the world when he comes? And other peoples have their own versions, their traditons that we never hear of. Like recently I read about the !Kung healers, some of them old and very wise and compassionate, the same quality of person as the mystics of better known traditions, who have stories about their own ancient sages.

Ok, so God reveals itself to us in many diverse ways, but it really suggests that 500 BCE was either a very dark time in the cosmos, or a really EXCITING time in human cultures!

Though myself unborn, undying,

The lord of creatures, I fashion nature,

Which is mine, and I come into being

Through my own play [lila]

Whenever sacred duty decays

And chaos prevails,

Then I create

Myself, Arjuna

To protect men of virtue

And desroy men who do evil,

To set the standard of sacred duty,

I appear in age after age.

Aren't things terrible enough yet? Perhaps everyone feels their own age is the darkest, but I think I could make a darn good case for ours. Though there were things like the awful 14^th century in Europe of course, with the Black Death and the Inquisition, the Crusades. The 20^th century was pretty terrible, with both World Wars and the carnage in Southeast Asia, Africa, and Latin America following colonization and neo-colonialism, and then our involvement. Okay. It's been bad a long, long time. So when is 'bad' bad enough? I guess we'll see.

In the meantime, we do have the words of the previous incarnations. Krishna promises that whoever knows him will escape rebirth when he abandons the body.

Free from attraction, fear and anger,

Filled with me, dependent on me,

Purified by the fire of my knowledge,

Many come into my presence.

I like the "many." It isn't as hard as some people indicate – like the Buddha. But it isn't just a blanket promise to any who mouth a few words.

As they seek refuge in me,

I devote myself to them,

Arjuna, men retrace

My path in every way.

Doesn't it seem right there that Krishna is pointing out that he himself was just a human, who through discipline and knowledge and devotion came to know who He really is (who we all are) and realized His godliness? To me this feels like the best of both worlds, of both Christianity and its brother religions, and Buddhism.

Yes, one gets to the path and moves along it thru one-pointed discipline, to be a sort of god. And yes, a divine being loves you, is waiting for you, will help and comfort you. Both are true. If I take refuge in Krishna, devote myself to him, remain loyal to him, he says right here he will "devote himself" to me.

I feel as if my mantra is helping me learn to take refuge in this way, though I haven't been using it as much as I was. Will pick that back up again today, on this whole idea of taking refuge. That is exactly what I feel I need.

April 24

I did feel closer to God yesterday, was seeing Krishna more as a personal deity, not savior exactly, but one who cares and will help. I may be weak, unable to stand on my own, but I have a lifetime of training, of wanting to turn my self toward a God, to turn over my burdens, give thanks, seek comfort, give service. I don't believe it's wrong . . . god understands how we humans need personal figures to whom we can relate – and has provided them. I kind of see Krishna and Jesus superimposed on one another, morphing into one another.

Why I Gave My Heart to Obama

All through the very long campaign, I kept thinking I was going to write a post about why I supported Obama. At first I held back because I wanted to keep this a spiritual blog and I did not want to turn it into a political one. I have other places to talk about political matters. But there is this one thing that I found myself saying in person over and over again to people that I realized I really should be saying here. But I never did.

So if I'm ever going to say it, today of all days is the day to say it. It's this:

I began to get an inkling when I heard some of his policy positions and a few of his speeches and soundbites, but I knew for sure once I had the opportunity to see and hear him in person - Barack Obama is a better person than I am.

I said this to other people - I am voting for Obama because for the first time in my life there is a politician who is actually a better person. And they would say, "Oh, I'm sure he is a better person than Clinton." Or later, "Do you think he really is a better person than McCain?" And I would explain, "No - you don't understand. Obama is a better person than me."

I don't think I could have said anything more shocking. Every person I said that to looked at me like I had strange things hanging out of my nose, or I had just confessed to serial murder, or as if I was speaking an entirely incomprehensible language. "What do you mean?" or "What are you talking about?" they would ask, by which they meant "Have you utterly lost your mind?" It's like we have all agreed as a people that by definition, a person who enters politics or runs for office CANNOT be a good person.

So I would explain. I think he is more honest than I am. I think he is more capable of turning the other cheek. I think he is more patient. He does a better job of searching for the good in others - of actually seeing the god in all other creatures, including his enemies. He is not only brilliant, not only visionary, but he seeks to put his brains at the service of his community rather than himself or his family. His definition of self includes not only his family, his community and his country but the whole world. Or at least, he's better at it than I am.

I'm not saying Barack Obama is a saint; not trying to argue that he doesn't have faults (we'll all come to know them, I'm sure). I'm just saying he is farther ahead on the path than I am. And frankly, I find that amazing. Not that there is someone farther ahead than me - there are plenty of those. But that someone like that is in politics. Because I, too, had given up on ever finding anyone with any integrity left running for the highest offices in our land. But this is what I came to believe pretty quickly about Obama, and he hasn't disappointed me yet.

Well, that isn't true. He has sometimes disappointed me in that he has not always behaved "perfectly;" there was that moment, for example when he allowed his campaign to respond in Ohio to Clinton's nasty tactics. But he caught himself. He noticed what he was doing, he realized he was giving back spite for spite, and he put a stop to it. Not only that, he apologized for his lapse and endeavored not to do it again. Wow. Talk about a man who walks the talk.

I was feeling very alone on this - like maybe I was way out there. It didn't dissuade me - I know what I know : ) bt I still felt so good when, on election night, I heard an interview with Parker Palmer on either WPR or NPR. Palmer is a very, very wise man who has earned my respect and trust. Here's what he said about Obama (my paraphrase):

"I've been a practicing Quaker for more than 40 years, and I can only say that I practice at non-violence. But this young man has an extraordinary ability to take contrasting views deep inside himself to some deep well of peace and just resolve them there. His capacity for handling conflict (tension?) far surpasses anyone I have ever known." He went on to talk about how one cannot fake a deep spiritual rootedness. That while it has been an American political fad to claim religious righteousness and get people all riled up, there is just no way to fake, or fool someone about whether or not you have that deep connection to Spirit, whether you are a deeply developed spiritual being, like Ghandi, like Nelson Mandela.

Yes. So that is why I am so grateful that Barack Obama is going to be our 44th President, beginning today. Not only is he brilliant. Not only is he visionary. Not only does he have integrity, and will he seek out good advice, and all of those other things. But he is a deeply evolved spiritual being. He will always seek to do the right thing. This I believe.

April 17-18

Will it get confusing if I start posting my most recent thoughts about the scriptures I am reading right now? I think it might, huh? But maybe I can at least provide some small pieces of background information every once in awhile. There are a lot of different ways that one can "be a Hindu." In fact, some would argue that everyone is a Hindu - some of you just haven't realized it yet. : )

But seriously, there are some basic things that just about everybody does, and then most people choose which of the four main yogas, or paths, to which they will dedicate themselves. The yoga one chooses is determined to a certain degree (or at least influenced) by one's stage of life and one's station in life (caste). For example, it would be very difficult for a craftsmen in the householder stage of life to practice raja yoga, which requires many hours of meditation and many austerities. But bhakti or karma yoga would fit into his daily life very easily.

There are references to the different yogas scattered throughout, but if you'd like rough sketches, I'll provide them next time or in a separate post. I don't want to make this entry so long its unreadble.

April 17, 2007

6 am. I kind of began meditating today. I sat on the couch for 10 minutes and tried to focus on my scripture, which is St. Francis' prayer. I got through it 5 times. So a full half hour should be between 8-10 times at that speed (but was that the right speed?). Even in that short time I noticed how undisciplined my mind is. It may get easier once I'm sure of the words, not reaching for them, but there sure feels like a lot of room for spare, random thoughts to creep in. And my body was wracked with yawns I had no chance of stifling. I can see there will be great difficulties ahead in learning to bring these wild horses, this driverless chariot under control. But isn't that what life is for?

Yesterday I had such strong impressions of people – especially on TV – as being incredibly deformed by their vanity, insecurity, their desire to be liked and admired. I am not quite communicating the feeling I had, nor the insight. Unhappiness, a deep unhappiness with self and soul and spirit, pervades our culture. And people wear it on their faces, in their search for something they hope will make them feel better, and they hope will last. Their bodies and faces are deformed, as by a cancer, a malignant growth twisting their features. All of us searching like crazy for love, and for meaning. It made me very sad. Appropriate to where I am in the Gita, with Arjuna slumped in grief and sorrow, heavy with the knowledge that his actions hurt the world.

Second Teaching

Arjuna asks "How can I fight with arrows those I should be worshipping?" While not a warrior, all of my actions in a day hurt someone, contribute to the pain of the world. And like Arjuna, it is because of my position in the world. If I were a poor farmer in China, I wouldn't do quite as much damage, though even then my "meals . . . would be smeared with the blood . . . of those I killed." Here, as a middle-class American, there are virtually no products, including vegetable foods, that weren't created by exploiting and ruining other souls.

The flow of pity

Blights my very being;

Conflicting sacred duties

Confound my reason.

As Arjuna refuses to fight, so I too have felt helpless. There is my duty to go to work, to research lives, to exploit subjects, students, and eat, drive, use paper, while at the same time I have the sacred duty of honoring each life, of treating the earth gently and with respect. Does one fight the neocons with all one's might? Or pray for them, hug them, love them?

It is so easy to be paralyzed into doing nothing at all. And now it is near 7 am, but I don't want to leave us again in this place of despair, so let's look at Krishna's answer, the start anyway.

You grieve for those beyond grief,

And you speak words of insight;

But learned men do not grieve

For the dead or the living.

Never have I not existed,

Nor you, nor these kings;

And never in future

Shall we cease to exist.

He reminds Arjuna of the infinity of the soul, of reincarnation. Reminds him not to put too much stock into information provided by his senses. They are fleeting. Only when we are immune to hot and cold, pleasure and pain, are we ready for "heaven"/immortality. Wise men are able to see that there is a boundary between being and non-being, and since we are all being now, we always will be.

Indestructible is the presence

That pervades all this;

No one can destroy

This unchanging reality.

I cannot fatally wound the earth and its creatures. A helpful message to take with me today.

April 18

[Spent most of the morning writing about the Virginia Tech massacre, and how class discussions of it went]

Second Teaching, cont'd

Again, always, the scripture speaks to me:

You grieve for those beyond grief

Our bodies are known to end

But the embodied self is enduring

He who thinks this self a killer

And he who thinks it killed,

Both fail to understand;

It does not kill, nor is it killed.

This is a good and right message for the day – for every day. We are born and die and are re-born. Those who died on Monday are not gone, they will return to life, just as they would have had they died later in this life.

Over and over Krishna makes this point, saying "therefore do not grieve." Your lament is not appropriate. It is a fundamental of this faith, and in fact I do believe it. I feel as if I've always believed, or known it, and became absolutely certain when I first did LSD. Still, it is not possible to just shrug off these deaths. It still feels wrong that they were unable to do more of what they needed to do before they have to start over.

One professor survived the holocaust only to be shot and killed by a student 60 years later. Was there more he needed to do this life? Or this cheerful, friendly, smart young black man who aimed to be a neurosurgeon? Even poor Cho, could not he have learned this life that it is not all pain and suffering? This is where the second main meaning helps – we are all one. "It does not kill, nor is it killed." The Jewish professor, the black student, Cho and I – we are all one. One being. Somewhere/time, there is a part of us that knows this. That understands the relationship between all of us. Somewhere Cho and I are best of friends; know and are known. So there is – whoa – this closeness, this knowledge of where each one is at and what they need and will do next.

It does somehow make it easier to bear when one realizes that the killer and killed are One. How can it be felt in the same way when one understands it is like a play, with one person playing all the parts? I'll take that through the day to chew on.

Committing to a Path

This is the post that I began the blog for. It was the decision reported here that I wanted to be able to explain, especially to my mom, and for which I wanted to provide the entire backdrop of my history for. So here it finally is. Unfortunately, I accidentally posted the next installment first (duh!) and can't figure out how to recall it. So all I can think to do is go ahead and release this one today, too. Sorry about that!

April 12

We watched the movie Elizabethtown last night and it made me so homesick I cried. Homesick? For Kentucky? Well, yeah. I did live there for 10 years. More than a quarter of my life. I knew it and understood it, more or less. Had many friends there, and knew how to make more. Plus, I realized, I was/am homesick for a time when I had less responsibility, when I was just a silly litle graduate student. And homesick for the newness of loving J, the falling-in-love days. And homesick for a pre-shingles me. Able to have fun and work hard, not crippled by pain and medication.

Would I really trade places with her? No way. I like who I'm becoming. I love my work, and I love J in a deeper way. I just feel wistful, and I still haven't made this place home, nor grown into my responsibilities. And I've been so sick and gotten so far behind that I feel I'll never live up to the opportunities I find here. But that, of course, is ridiculous. Maybe not ridiculous, but it has little chance of really happening. I'll get over this illness eventually. But it's hard to see from here to there, and even though I know J is here for me, and I have others, if I'd only reach out to them – I still feel very alone. Not lonely, most of the time, but alone. Well, no one can do my work for me.

[Long recounting of all the work to be done for the job and what had been left undone that week]

79

Failure is an opportunity

If you blame someone else,
There is no end to the blame.
Therefore the Master
Fulfills her own obligations
And corrects her own mistakes.
She does what she needs to do
And demands nothing of others.

Okay, is it not uncanny the way this book responds to what is going on in my life and what I write? Gee whiz!
I typically have more of a problem with over-blaming myself. That doesn't mean there aren't times I blame others – usually J. I will just keep watching myself. The problem is that I am not fulfilling my obligations due to the total lack of energy I've had with this sickness.

But blaming myself will lead to blame without end. Or is it blaming the sickness? Will that lead to blame with no end? I must just try to correct my mistakes, and make no demands on others. I've tried to go further and lighten the students' load, as well. I can go further by slowing down, cutting later material and such so that they are not burdened by rushing, too.

There is more I could get here. But I'm running late for class.

April 13

I feel kind of torn. On one hand I believe I'm making some spiritual progress. The mantra, for example, has rooted and feels available, just under the surface of consciousness, ready to call up at various points through the day. I'm almost ready to make the commitment to meditate, and I feel like many things are shifting around inside, ready to make me more patient, more loving, and more compassionate. On the other hand, I feel a great sadness, a heaviness of heart that makes me feel very close to tears all day. I have a deep wish to run away. I don't know exactly why. I'm tired and overburdened. I feel so behind and overwhelmed with class work and grading. There are only three weeks left of the semester, which is both a great thing and a burden, as I'll never get all the work done in that time. I don't know if I can do this. Maybe I'm not supposed to be a college professor.

And then I think maybe I'm just tired, and a wave of enthusiasm will rise again and carry me forward. I am excited about all the work I have lined up, all the possibilities for the future. I'm beginning to see how, indeed, the internships and independent studies, RAs, TAs, etc., will pile up, and I will have as much going on soon as my colleagues have. But will I be able to handle it? I do remember feeling this same way the first year of graduate school, that the work was impossible – no way it could ever be done. And yet here we are; I got it all done.

The thing is: that was just me. If I didn't make it, if I failed, there was only me to be hurt. I wouldn't be jeopardizing an entire household, which is how I feel now. How terrible if I pulled J to this part of the world, ruined his chances of ever getting a tenure-track job, and then I didn't get tenure! That is what I'm afraid of. And I believe my guilt and fear is coloring my view of, and feelings toward J. In addition to pain and meds and illness, of course. I did suggest to him last night that we make an agreement that if I don't get tenure we'll figure out something completely different to do: join the Peace Corps, teach English in Kazakstan, work for a non-profit in Cambodia, something. Sell off our belongings, find loving baby-sitters for our cats, and hit the road. He said "Okay."

And probably the thousands out there who say so are right, that daily exercise and daily meditation will boost my immune system and my energy, as well as help my body heal and my mind let go of some of its bundles of fear and guilt, and wanting for things not to change. I can't stay an irresponsible grad student. I have to become something else. And it's wonderful; it is the freedom I worked so hard for. But isn't the brand new beautiful butterfly a little frightened sometimes? A little overwhelmed by her new facilities? A little shocked that she is no longer a caterpillar, and does she feel a little homesickness or a moment of longing to return to what was familiar and known, even tho it tied her to the ground or the tree? I think I'm just in that moment, maybe.

Knowing these feelings are transitory only partially helps me bear them. I think I'll be calling my sister and my Mom today. Reach out and get some support. Not by talking about it necessarily, but just making contact, opening channels of love.

I began reading Mantak Chia's book on healing through the use of the Tao. And it made me think about how I'm going to use it, how I'm seeing my spiritual path. For right now, and I realize it may change as I get wiser, I want to make Hinduism my spiritual home. It has been since I first learned of it in college, in 1993. Its Truth jumped out at me. Seemed SO obvious. But I tried to be true to it and my history and culture by practicing Christianity as a form of bhakti yoga. And it worked . . . for a while.

But it couldn't last, because of all the baggage. That same history and culture sickened me, as it seemed to have lost Jesus. So, realizing now that it won't work to pretend to believe in Jesus' message as described by the human Church, I have to go to the true Source, the religion I truly believe has it right. The one I feel is the Mother of all religion, as they all find a welcome home in Her.

So that knowledge, tradition, wisdom and those practices are my home and will be my path and guide. I have a lot to learn. It is like being a baby when others are middle-aged. I mean, its being a middle-aged person that acts like a baby. But I also believe Taoism has something to offer. It is a different path to the exact same place. And neither religion is exclusive. I believe I can safely borrow from the Taoist stockpile of wisdom and practices. Just as I can see the monotheists' mystics as on the same path – or I mean, on different paths but going to the same place.

The Taoists offer one way of understanding the body – the flow of xi, or chi. I know India has its Ayurvedic wisdom, but I don't have access to that right now. Might it be okay to simultaneously learn how to manage xi? I guess I can try it. The worst thing that can happen is I'll get confused and it won't work. Mantak Chia himself is a great combiner of methods – uniting what he believes was and should be one, and stripping it from magic and secret/occult trappings, much like the Buddha himself. If there are other practices that can help heal me, I want to avail myself of them.

Okay, time for the Tao te Ching. Last one but one, and this trip through the book will be over. The message of this one I get, but still feel a resistance. Not sure it is totally right, though it is totally Chinese.

80

f a country is governed wisely,
Its inhabitants will be content.
They enjoy the labor of their hands
And don't waste time inventing
Labor saving machines

Oh! I just got it! Apply this to the mind, not the nation! If one governs one's mind well, it will work at its assigned labors, not dart off in a thousand directions. It won't keep suggesting short-cuts but will do the work properly. Aha! I'll have a different interpretation now of ALL the chapters on governance!

Since they dearly love their homes,
They aren't interested in travel.
There may be wagons and boats,
But these don't go anywhere.
There may be an arsenal of weapons,
But no one ever uses them.
See? And this refers to the senses, and the tricks of the mind to distract with tangential thoughts – the wagons and boats. One may know of a store of insults, put-downs, snappy comebacks, last words, but one never uses them. I get it! I first thought this was about provincialism, I mean, helped to explain Chinese provincialism – which it still might, as others might have interpreted this literally, too.

People enjoy their food,
Take pleasure in being with their families,
Spend weekends working in their gardens,
Delight in the doings of the neighborhood.

Be present. Be fully present and mindful in all you do. Connect with others deeply; listen fully to them, enjoy them, be fully with them and spend your free time profitably.

And even though the next country is so close

That people can hear its roosters crowing

And its dogs barking,

They are content to die of old age

Without ever having gone to see it.

And this, I think, is about not responding to desires – the desire to hurry, race to something novel, and wanting what the other guy has, keeping up with the Joneses. We ought to be in control of our desires, riding our senses and impulses instead of them riding us. Just because the Sirens send out their call – in SO many ways – doesn't mean we have to go. Fight the seduction to go see if what someone else has is better.

Doesn't this have to be the right interpretation? Even if it wasn't meant this way, it feels so right to me. This could make a great meditation scripture later. What does the translator say? Just this: "without ever having gone" Not that they are lacking in appropriate curiousity, but they have their priorities straight. So he's not telling us how to interpret it. Well, my version feels right and helpful to me, so that's what it is : )

April 14

The last chapter of the Tao te Ching.

81

True words aren't eloquent;
Eloquent words aren't true.
Wise men don't need to prove their point.
Men who need to prove their point aren't wise.
The Master has no posessions.
The more she does for others,
The happier she is.
The more she gives to others,
The wealthier she is.

The Tao nourishes by not forcing
By not dominating, the Master leads.

This does pretty much sum up the message of the Tao. As I have understood it. It is exciting to think of how much more I may get out of it later, when I am wiser, more spiritually mature.
Of course, the whole book belies the truth of the first stanza; much of it is very eloquent, as are many of the world's spiritual, mystical texts. But I guess the point is: don't believe things just because they are beautifully phrased. The next part I need to remember in arguments, and when I'm tempted to argue. I am an academic scholar; I believe in proving my points. But I don't need to do that outside the classroom and my scholarly writing, and even there I can do it in non-obnoxious, non-dominating ways. In personal arguments, especially about spiritual matters, there is no need to prove one's point. The proof should be in the life. Others will only hear the point when they are ready and willing to, anyway, regardless of how many logical proofs one supplies.

I know there are monks and sannyasin all over the world who truly have no possessions. I may get there some day, but for now, what I need to cultivate in myself is non-attachment. Own things, but don't let them own me. If I am asked, or I see a need, I ought to be able to give away whatever object is desired. And do it freely, with no holding on in my heart. Whoo – that will be hard. Especially with books. And art. Most of the rest I could easily let go of. So I'll work on it.

And, as ever, keep trying to learn to put others first. I like to think of myself as a pretty nice person, but I find it very difficult to put others first. I want to play with the computer. I'm tired and I just don't want to cook. I've been listening to people all day and I don't want to talk. I want to write. I want the TV off (I never win that one). It's all about me. I'm trying to shift to thinking only of what J wants, what he might need, but I find it difficult. I am a very self-centered, selfish person.

One thing that might help me with that is to remind myself it is the God, the Lord of the Universe, in J, that I serve. (Which also means it is myself – but leave that alone for now). It's helpful because, even though I love J, he is human, and we live together. It is harder to serve the person who just snapped at you, hurt your feelings, lost his temper, interrupted your reading, or put his stinky feet in your face. But to look at the eternal, sacred part of him, and serve that, I think it would be easier.

One more thing, and then I need to get to work. And it's changing the subject. I so very much want to share my growth and joy with my Mom, but I'm afraid to tell her really where I am. I'm trying to decide if I need to write to her and just say outright that I don't believe I will ever find my way to God through Christianity, and that my growth is/will be stunted if I keep trying to make that work. I may be able to find Jesus, especially among the Gnostics, but Christianity has too much negative stuff for me. It is always like beating my head against the wall.

I want and need to follow where the Spirit leads me. But I am afraid that will put something between us when I want our faith to bring us together. I guess I want her to accept, or to recognize that I thirst for righteousness, that I hunger after the Lord, that I have sought him earnesly most of my life. That seeking and yearning is taking me a different way, but I still believe she and I are headed to the same place; our goals are identical, though the method of arrival – indeed of travel – is somewhat different. Though really it doesn't differ that much.

Is it going to be okay? Can she, is she able to see this as positive? To not worry about me having been tempted by Satan or something?

The question arises because I do now feel there is a barrier to Mom and I really communicating. There will always be something held back. I don't want to convert her, or show her she's wrong, or fight or dispute. I want for her to walk her path, and for me to walk mine, and be able to share our ups and downs, to uphold one another in our efforts, to share inspirations, and all the things that fellow journey-women do. That is why I want to share with her where I am. I don't know that she even needs to know details, if she doesn't want to. Just that I've found my spiritual home In Hinduism, and that is where I'll begin to root myself. In the Sanatana Dharma. Should I write her? Or not? I want so much for her mind to be at ease about it.

Beginning the Gita Again

April 15

9:30 now. More conversation about Blackwater, Iraq, our corrupt, murdering government. I am beginning to feel that my evenings should be spent with other anti-war protestors. I am so horrified and sickened by our government, so full of outrage and sorrow. We need to remember Ghandi and his victory over the British. Achieved with gentle, peaceful love – no violence. And Nelson Mandela. We (J and I) should be studying their tactics and learning to use them.

I know that we are supposed to "accept things as they are" but I do not believe my spirit, my soul, can be clean when my government is slaughtering innocent people in my name. Ghandi was heck of a lot further along the path than I will ever be in this lifetime, and he found it correct and proper to take action. Do one's duty. Krishna said to Arjuna, "Fight the war, but fight with love of your enemy in your heart." This reminds me, I begin my beloved Bhagavad Gita today! . . .

You know, since I've given myself permission to really be a practicing Hindu, I am more able to take comfort – great comfort – in its tenets. I like the idea of being with Indy [my cat- about whom I'd been discussing learning to be fully present, rather than treat as an annoyance when she stomped on my journal demanding attention]and J and others forever, life after life. I'm glad J and I included that in our wedding vows. It adds even more incentive to solve whatever difficulties arise between us, as if we don't, we'll just face them again next life. I'm about to go upstairs and get the Gita, but I don't want to disturb the kitty. So – yesterday, I did quick research on my mantra, and I got tons of hits for the Hare Krishnas, of course. So I went ahead and went to their main web page and read about them. I found out I knew less than I thought I did.

The difference between them and basic Hinduism is that they believe Krishna, not Bhraman, is the "one" God. Krishna is not, therefore, an Incarnation of Vishnu, but Vishnu is part of him. They also believe that, as a form of bhakti yoga, one can and should devote oneself to Krishna and to the chanting of his name. They use "my" mantra, which is the master, or mother mantra, and believe that by chanting it they will achieve Krishna Consciousness, not just for themselves but for the world. They believe mostly what other Hindus do about the Problem [the human condition]– the loss of contact with one's true Self, and the cycle of birth and re-birth. But they believe that the exit from samsara will come through the chanting of the mantra alone.

There are several scriptures that support all of their beliefs. In the Gita, for example, Krishna says he is the one god. But without knowing all the scriptures myself, I still feel they are likely taking those statements out of context. In the Gita, I felt Krishna's statement was a reference to the fact that really, there is only God. Don't get hung up on worshipping me in this form, because I am God, and god includes and is all forms. Something like that. But I am just a baby in this ancient tradition.

As Miller says in her intro to the Gita, Krishna's message here is intentionally multi-faceted, intentionally open to multiple translations. I love that God in this tradition consistently insists on multiplicity, ambiguity, complexity. Isn't any god worth worshipping this diverse, this complicated, and paradoxically, this simple, this pure, this complete and unified?

I'm uncertain how to approach the Gita this time. Each teaching has so much in it. Perhaps I should just do it by feel. Today it may be right to just read the intro, remind myself of the context within which the Gita sits.

First note, something I don't recall learning, or noticing before, is that "dharma," traditionally translated as "sacred duty" has the original Sanskrit meaning of "that which sustains." At the end of the discussion between Krishna and Arjuna, Arjuna "can continue to act in a world of pain without suffering despair." Isn't this what we are all seeking?

J said to me earlier that maybe I'm praying to the wrong god, or the wrong incarnation. That I maybe should devote myself to Kali and pray for the end of the whole mess. I kind of agreed, but said really, it doesn't matter. Since they are the same god. And here is Krishna –

I am time grown old,

Creating world destruction

Set in motion

To annihilate the worlds

This ultimately leads Arjuna "to the realization that his duty to fight is intimately linked to Krishna's divine activity." How can I resist a teaching that shows me how to take up a life of moral duty and action and "the transcendance of empirical experience in search of knowledge and liberation"? This is the dilemma of the Eastern religions, and the one that is difficult for me, personally. I pray that this time my eyes and heart will be open and I will learn to move beyond my stuckness at the seeming paradox.

April 16

[Long discussion detailing plans for beginning meditation the next day, where, when, etc.] We'll work it out. I am going to begin tomorrow. And maybe, hopefully, my whole life will begin to change, and my body to heal. I am now eager and ready for the Gita's first teaching.

First Teaching – Arjuna's Dejection

I am not, obviously, a great warrior, but I suppose we are all in Arjuna's position in some way. I feel that the neocons and the theocons are my true enemies. They are trying to kill the things I hold dear. They would kill me without a second thought if it served their purposes and I was in the wrong place, as they show by their indifference to the deaths and suffering of hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions. I wish that I did feel the love for them that Arjuna feels for his enemy-kinsmen:

The greed that distorts their reason

Blinds them to the sins they commit

In ruining the family, blinds them

To the crime of betraying friends.

I do realize it is ignorance, fear and greed – enormous, insatatiable greed that drives the enemy and blinds them. And I can feel pity for them, as Arjuna does, and I regularly feel grief, though not really for the souls of the damned, like Cheney or Rove. And I should. Dick Cheney is my brother, as J and K are my sisters. That is a pretty big pill to swallow! Maybe big enough for one day.

I do feel great sorrow that our country is so torn, so divided. And if we move this out of the political arena into the "field of social duty"; what does this mean? Well, what are all the ways one does damage to the world just by living? Every time I eat meat, it is the death (and likely mistreatment) of an animal. Even milk and eggs now come only by the suffering of creatures. Perhaps plants, too. I drive my car every day, polluting and depleting the earth. Use electricity, and packaged items, throw away so much plastic, use and throw away so much paper – hundreds of trees a year. This hurts. For all these things I feel ashamed, and grieved. Yet what is the alternative? There is no alternative but death, because every action I take to perserve my own life, let alone my lifestyle, is the cause of suffering and death to so many beings I could never count them.

I lament the great sin

We commit when our greed

For kingship and pleasures

Drives us to kill our kinsmen.

Being filled now with the realization of the meaning of this passage – that all action leads to death and suffering – I too want to slump over in grief. I find myself in great need of Krishna's council. But that will have to wait until tomorrow.

July 25 – Nov 27, 2007

Spring Break is over, and I've got a lot going on again. I'm going to have a CT scan this Friday to determine if I need surgery right away. Lots of pain, life has felt like a struggle. I'm grateful for yoga and for the Gitas. By the way, big sister, I got the Mitchell translation of the B. Gita this week : )

For now, here is some old stuff; there are only about four more of them.

July 25, 2007

One of my other books from the library is The Gospel According to Judas, by Jeffrey Archer, and no, it is not the Judas Gospel. It is a novel, written in the form of a gospel. But it is an attempt to rehabilitate the reputation of the red-headed apostle. Unlike the actual gospel, this novel does not have Jesus ask Judas to betray him, to set free his spirit, or begin his transformation, or whatever. No, instead he has Judas as first a disciple of John the Baptist (which is from the Gospel of John, I believe).

Following John the Baptist's advice, he joins Jesus, believing him to be the Messiah who will lead them in kicking out the Romans. Over time, as Jesus refuses to amass an army or wealth, or even to publicize his being the messiah, Judas has doubts. He believes Jesus is a man of God, but not the Messiah. He doesn't want Jesus to get into trouble, and through the trickery of a Scribe who pretends to want also to save Jesus, he agrees to identify him. He believes the Scribe will help him hustle Jesus out of the city and keep him safe. He is horrified at what actually happens, and at the cowardice of the other apostles. He doesn't hang around, and so he doesn't know, but does not believe that Jesus rose from the dead, doesn't believe he was either the Son of God or the Messiah, and denies all of the other nature miracles.

In my opinion, it wasn't very well done. It didn't add much in the way of new understanding; didn't even include or make as much use as it could have of things in the gospels that would have supported the story. Very disappointing. I'm intrigued, though, by all of the energy and effort that is currently going into reinterpreting Judas.

July 26

In Brother Odd (Dean Koonz), finished yesterday around 1:30, there is a physicist who penetrates below the level of quantum foam and finds that reality is constructed of thought waves. God's thought. So he makes a machine that reads his thought waves and produces a hideous imitation of life, instead of getting that we ourselves create reality, as we are God's mind, God's thought waves – with our thought.

And in Ghostwritten [David Mitchell – well-crafted first novel that is hard to describe. You'll have to check it out for yourselves. It weaves together the stories of several seemingly random lives – scattered across the globe – brings multiple cultures to life, all of them glaringly up-to-date, enmeshed in the world of today and not buried in some nostalgic yesteryear; characters were real even when we only saw them briefly – I guess what I'm trying to say is that he never reproduced stereotypes] I came across a passing reference that made it clear that it is au currant to have conversations with new acquaintances in which the similarities between Eastern philosophy and quantum physics are established. Apparently "everyone" knows this now. So why not wholesale conversion?

Probably because people don't actually spend that much time thinking about it. Especially in Great Britain where the Church of England is almost a secular institution and people attend out of patriotism and a sense of nationality, not faith. I'm sometimes surprised to find out how little even the members of my own family think about these things. Maybe I am really a weirdo.

August 20

Have a great deal of pain. I haven't felt like writing at all. Just get up, meditate, wait for the pain meds to kick in, and go to work, where I stay until I'm too exhausted to do any more. Come home. Rest.

September 1

I don't know if I'll take up writing regularly here or not. I haven't seen the point lately at all. With 8 am classes twice a week, I'll have to get up and go, and it is more important to do the spiritual work. I can read the Gitas and Upanishads without writing about them. In fact, I think it might be better for me to read them without writing about them for awhile.

I did this for the first two months of the semester – read and meditated each morning. But as the days got busier and busier, and my work load got heavier, and the pain and stress grew worse, I dropped the reading, and I began to miss meditation sessions here and there. I forgot to rely on the mantra quite as often . . .

November 27

1:30 am. Can't sleep. Can't possibly catch you up and am not even going to try. But as I lay here, a thousand thoughts spinning around at least 30 poles, it occurs to me that I am going about some things in a very wrong-headed way. Well, it has occurred to me before. Now I am convinced. Maybe writing it will give me peace enough to sleep.

First, where has the spiritual gone? How much of the day is given over to joy? If I make no room for miracles and joyfulness, how can any enter? I must get back to daily meditation and nightly reading of scripture. My spirit is about sucked dry.

[Rest is all course-related]

Coming Back From A Rough Week

I've been having an eventful few days/weeks. My encounter with that horrible doc sent me into two weeks of hell, trying to wean myself off of my meds. I realized I really wanted a second opinon, especially after I searched the pain and neurology literature for some justification of his opinion and came up with very little except some pretty well-bashed articles from the 80s. So I had my primary care person refer me to the Brain, Spine and Pain center at another hospital (main competitors in town), and saw someone yesterday. I liked her. She was young, very up on the literature, and basically told me that he was full of it. In order for what he was saying to be true - neural plasticity its called - I would have to be taking narcotics in amounts many, many times higher than what I am. So he is just another moralist with an agenda, and he has caused two weeks of agony, self-blame, and lack of productivity for nothing. Thanks a lot.
In the meantime, I developed a bad toothache. Tried to ignore it, as I usually do (haven't seen a dentist in 20 years - since I had my lower wisdom teeth pulled, except in extreme emergency). Well, this turned into an extreme emergency. Saw a dentist, found out my upper left wisdom tooth had a bad cavity with the nerve affected. That was Wednesday. So yesterday, after the appointment with the pain doc, I saw the oral surgeon and had that bad boy pulled out. It went very smoothly - much more easily than the bottom ones. So I am on the mend and the future looks much brighter than it did 24 hours ago. Thanks for all your support through the dark times. Now back to 2007:

April 10 , 2007

77

As it acts in the world, the Tao

Is like the bending of a bow.

The top is bent downward;

The bottom is bent up.

It adjusts excess and defeciency

So that there is perfect balance,

It takes from what is too much

And gives to what isn't enough.

Those who try to control,

Who use force to protect their power

Go against the direction of the Tao.

They take from those who don't have

And give to those who have far too much.

The Master can keep giving

Because there is no end to her wealth.

She acts without expectation,

Succeeds without taking credit,

And doesn't think that she is better

Than anyone else.

Hmm. This is feeling pretty opaque to me. To start with, I don't know much about archery. I guess the point is about balance. Maybe no matter how you pull on a bow, it bends equally from the top and bottom. Perhaps there is no way to make a bow bend more from the top than it is bending from the bottom.

What struck me first was how different this is from the Bible verse, "To who has much, more will be given. From who has little, more will be taken away." I always hated that verse. I remember, as a child, finding the concept grossly unfair. I think, "in fairness," that the verse refers to faith and is meant as an encouragement; if you have some faith, God will increase it through grace. If you don't, he'll have nothing to work with and what little you have will drain away as you meet life's difficulties.

Still, the whole chapter makes me think, "Well, of course socialism took root here and not in the West!" And I bet I'm right. There must be something to the fact that China and those it conquered and absorbed have had up to at least 2500 years – and more like 4000 years – of thinking that it is good to distribute wealth equally. They may not have done it, but they upheld the ideal. It wasn't until Jesus (or maybe Hillel) began preaching something sort of like this – that the meek will inherit the earth, the rich won't get into heaven, so give your wealth away, etc., that Hebraism had grand levelling mechanisms like this. They upheld social justice, but that didn't mean "everyone is equal"; it meant the rich shouldn't beat the poor, or exploit them too terribly much. And of course, it was out of that the beloved individual was born. And without that concept, that individuals are beloved, even the least – China has erred on the side of throwing lives away in the name of the collective.

For living my own life I prefer to live by the idea of taking from the rich and giving to the poor. While it may be true that's stealing, what everyone has been taught to forget is that the rich are rich because they stole from the poor. They stole their work, their labor, their land, and their lives. Which this chapter says quite clearly. And then the instruction for those wishing to be Masters: This is similar to the message of Christ. What one has as Master is access to the limitless Tao. What one values, one's wealth, are peace, love, compassion, gentleness, wisdom, etc. And so one can do what is right, having no expectation about the result, because you rest in the knowledge that all flows into the Tao, that all things end how the Tao wanted them to.

So, when one succeeds, one doesn't get a big head, because it wasn't you who made things happen; you were just going with the flow of the Tao.

One isn't better; the Tao uses all of us. Translator's notes are about this, that the Master isn't better. He says, "She is simply more transparent." Which I take to mean that it is easier to see how her actions flow with the Tao, but all people's do. Their paths are just more convoluted and thus harder to see.

For me right now it just means trust more in the Tao. Allow myself to let go of desire and expectation, trusting that the Tao, the Great River, will bring all things aright. And to recall that the qualities I most want to have are not in short supply – I can give away as much love, compassion, and understanding as I can, and there will always be more.

April 11

Yesterday my books arrived from Amazon! So last night I began the one on meditation and got half way through it. It is simple and straightforward and good. I intend to put it into practice. I believe I may start today. I'm feeling so sick, I'm afraid I may not have the willpower, but I understand that I can't keep using things as excuses. The book is Meditation: A Simple Eight-Point Program for Translating Spiritual Ideals into Daily Life, by Eknath Easwaran. Notice it is eight point, not eight stage. That's why I went ahead and read the whole thing (or am going to) at once, because one has to do all the parts together. The points I've read about so far are 1) Meditation, 2) Mantram, 3) slowing down. They all seem easy and terribly difficult at the same time.

1. 
   Meditation. Meditate every day for 30 minutes. Do it in the same time and place, and make that space sacred by doing nothing else in it. Well, that's the problem, isn't it? Speaks loudly to why I've been unable to really start. I don't live by myself. I don't have a room I can commit to meditation alone. And there are some issues working things out with J. As to method, Easwaran prescribes using a scripture (from your own religion – it doesn't matter which one) or a time-honored inspirational piece like the prayer of St. Francis. Use that as the line, or the anchor. Meditation consists of repeating that piece slowly, word by world. I really like this method; it appeals to me. Other teachers sugget trying to make the mind a blank, which has never worked for me at all – it has always been a real stumbling block for me. For my undisciplined and untrained mind, those tasks (blank or focused on a single object) seem not only impossible, but like chores. Hard, unappealing, unsatisfying work.
   
   
   

   The repetition of beloved words, though, that I can do! That I like to do, and I know how to do! And as he explains, it gives you something to hang on to, a rope to cling to as you descend into the sub and unconscious, buffeted by your mind as it attempts to stop you, which I have found to be is ceaseless. That's why I like the CDs; the voice of the person, the words, are something to come back to when your mind has distracted you with all kinds of thoughts – association-chains, and even pretty lights and colors and reminders of things you forgot to do. I love having the words to come back to, to help me not follow a distraction and get lost in it. In short, I believe he offerst me a method I can actually use. It makes me excited to try, rather than dreading the whole thing.
   



2. 
   The Mantram. He advocates choosing a mantra – again from one of those time-honored choices, whose reverberations go back thousand sof years and who/that may have qualities we can't quantify that make them time-hallowed – choose one and never change it. Use different variations, perhaps, but use one and stick with it because over the years it will work on you and in you and for you in ways that seem magical. Be careful, therefore, in choosing. He offers suggestions, and I find I can't even contemplate using any Christian ones. Christianity has become a huge barrier between me and the Christ. The words and names now carry too much baggage for me. The Jewish and Muslim words, too, carry negative associations. The Buddhist suggestions don't feel right. Though they were closer, gave me glimmers. But when we got to the Hindu ones, they felt like coming home. Mysterious enough to charm, but also therefore carry no weight of battles and doubt, and thinking – they won't drag me off into endless speculation and theologizing. Yet they are powerful. I feel love when I hear the name Krishna. And also awe, the right kind of fear. With Rama, also, I have a sense of magestic power and compassion. Hare I know nothing about – did not even know it was a name of God. But it adds a rhythm and needed note with the other names.
   
   
   

   Easwaran recommends Rama. It is his own, and is very simple. I think I personally need something more complex, something that can be varied without breaking it. And so I decided to try a different one last night, making it clear it was just a trial. Do you know, it carried me right into sleep [I had been reporting trouble sleeping for weeks] and my mind awoke singing it all by itself, and it has reappeared all morning. So I believe I have found my mantra. He separates this from meditation. Meditation is something you sit down and devote 30 minutes to. One's mantra is to be said all day, every day. Use it while waiting for the bus, washing dishes, when getting angry, feeling desire for a cigarette, etc.
   



3. Slowing Down. Slowing down is what it sounds like. Refuse to hurry, to buy into the hurry culture. He offers many suggestions for how to do this, but it is time for me to turn my attention to the Tao's lesson for the day.
   

78

Nothing in the world

Is as soft and yielding as water.

Yet for dissolving the hard and inflexible,

Nothing can surpass it.

The soft overcomes the hard;

The gentle overcomes the rigid.

Everyone knows this is true,

But few can put it into practice.

Therefore the Master remains

Serene in the midst of sorrow.

Evil cannot enter her heart.

Because she has given up helping,

She is people's greatest help.

True words seem paradoxical.

This lesson goes very much together with the chapter on slowing down. It does seem paradoxical that working slowly allows one to be more efficient, get more work done. That NOT being in a rush on the freeway or in the supermarket makes everything smoother and easier. Being gentle and patient overcomes other's impatience and harshness.

While I was writing that, I had a flash of intuition, enabling me to connect the instructions in the third stanza to the first two, but now I can't articulate it. It has to do with being in control of one's own mind, not swayed or compelled by events around you. One's own single-minded gentleness can cut through sorrow and close out evil. I remember, when I was first learning Hinduism and the spiral path, and many other wise things – the real beginning of this journey – my compatriots at college thought me very wise. Part of my seeming wisdom and my appeal to them was that I had figured out not to give advice. To judge no one. To accept them, wherever they were, on whatever path, be it resentment, infatuation, fury at parents, despair – I didn't offer any advice. I did not rush in to save them or try to guide them in any particular direction. And I was always there to listen but did not get pulled into their crises. How they loved me for that! How helpful they found me to be, though I did nothing!

This is the key, though I don't know yet how it connects to water cutting through rock. Hey – here are the translator's notes about this line: "The greatest help is wholeheartedly trusting people to resolve their own problems. A true philanthropist, like a good parent, brings people to the point where they can help themselves." And about the final line regarding truths seeming paradoxical: "Only when the mind is cluttered with untruth."

So the key part, now and then, is about trusting others. They are each on their own journey. I believe every soul will make it to the goal. But on their own time, and in their own way. We each have to learn our own lessons. I can learn from those who are wiser by watching them, their example. But I don't want them coming into my life and telling me what to do. And others don't need me to do that to them. Ho can I know what anyone else needs, anyway? Are they behind me, or ahead of me? How could I possibly know? Perhaps a very advanced soul needed a lesson that required living the life of a screw-up? I can never know by looking where someone is on the ultimate path. And I can never know what someone else really needs. Maybe they need to be always late, be an alcoholic homeless person, even to commit suicide. I don't know. It isn't my business. My business is to work on getting to know me, and learning to tap into all the love and patience and light that is in me, all locked up. That's it. Nothing else.

Somehow, paradoxically, I believe it. That if I find myself, work on myself, that will be a help to the people around me and to the world. Much more so than actively trying to figure out a way to go and "save" it.