June 19-20,2007

June 19, 2007

I didn't even read any of the U. Gita yesterday because I took so much time writing about the Upanishads and re-reading Easwaran. I'm into "Sense Training" now, in which he tries to teach the importance of controlling our response to sense-objects without getting into the Sanatana Dharma, the philosophy of why we respond to sense objects, what they are, and why it is important to resist them.

And I am trying to just read the Upanishads, without having to take a lot of notes. But there are some things so exciting, so enlightening, I feel I want to record them. Of course, there are also big chunks that make next to no sense to me, that are repetitious (because meant to be oral and from memory) to the point of being boring.

I am still going to try to mostly just read them this time, at least the early ones, and save my real studying for the U. Gita. But last night, after a truly incomprehensible bit in the BU, there came a passage describing a conversation between a man and his wife. He is about to leave – either to die or to become sannyasin (which is the same from her point of view), and he wants to divide his property between his two wives. One says, "Will the wealth you give me make me immortal?" When he says no, she says, "Then why would I want it? Give me some teaching instead; teaching that will help me realize immortality" BU 2:4:1-4

So he begins to teach her about the importance of atman, and what brahman is, and that brahman is atman. It is really interesting to see that women were thought capable of being taught these things, somewhere around the 1st, maybe even 2nd century BCE. But also it is really striking how they understood so early that it is the self one must attend to, that it is through the self one can find God. Whereas the Western religions never really focus on that (except for a handful of mystics). Are still outward-looking as whole.

Anyway, the husband, Yajnaralkya says to Mairiyi, his wife, that she ought to focus on comprehending her self, by which she will gain the whole world. He explains that the universe and all that's in it came out of brahman and is brahman; in the way if you drop salt into water, all of the water becomes salty, so is brahman in all of creation. BU 2:4:12. "In the same way this Immense Being has no limit or boundary and is a single mass of perception." Therefore after death one has no awareness. Maitriyi says "Huh? Now you've lost me." So he explains, very beautifully, how once you've joined the One, the Whole, and ceased being a perceiving multiplicity or duality, there is no way to be aware of self in the same way. "When the Whole has become one's very Self, then who is there for one to smell (see, hear touch, etc.) and by what means?" v. 13.

I get it! And it is very beautiful. Is this how new converts to Judaism or Christianity read the Bible? How they feel about it? Like surely it is True, and makes sense and gives comfort. I felt that way, I guess, each time I renewed my commitment. But the feeling never lasted. As I kept reading I'd get more and more uncomfortable with it. Even horrified, appalled, unable to make sense of it and bcoming afraid of it, confused of the God it portrays. Will that happen with these texts? I don't know. Only time will tell.

But let's get back to the Uddhava Gita. We are at Dialogue Nine.

Oh man, another one so beautiful it makes me almost weep with joy! It is unfair to keep comparing with the Bible, since it too contains Truth. But I am so moved by the Gitas, and in them, at least, nothing seems contradictory or out of character. The harshness of Yahweh, the punishing vengeful God one finds, for example, in the Gospel of Matthew, in which Jesus says such violent, hateful things is utterly absent from Lord Krishna. He speaks, always, with compassion, especially for those who are weak, who stumble and fail. Always there are instructions and reassurance for those of us who don't find it easy or even possible to do as he asks.

So in this dialogue Uddhava asks, "Teachers speak of many paths to enlightenment. Is one of greater value than the rest? You have described a path of devotion. Is that way better?"

In answering, Krishna first makes it clear that the Vedas have their origins in him, thus validating all the different paths described in them. He goes back to the creation to explain how all the creatures of the universe, including individual humans, are unique; we are each a unique pattern of the combination of the gunas. Since we are each different from the other we each interpret the Vedas differently.

People differ from each other

By nature,

Or by lineage,

Or by what they are taught.

Some are even atheists v.8

Because people are under the power of maya

They will proclaim various paths as the best

According to their own nature and activities. v.9

"Each path will have its own believers" v. 10. Each path has a beginning and end, each bears the fruit of the action taken on it. Ultimately, all paths will end and this brings sorrow – except the merging of the self with the Self.

Krishna asks how anyone attached to the objects of this world or the next can be as blissful as one focused on him. Recall that in the 8^th dialogue he answered the question of who he is by making it clear he is the Whole; this particular image is just an image – Krishna is brahman, is Self, the One. Here, in verse 15, he shows this again by saying that not Brahma, nor Shiva nor his own brother-self nor even his own self as worshipped deity is "as dear to me as you are, you who are my devotee." He describes such a one, again, and then says:

Even my devotee who has not yet

Mastered the senses

Will not be overcome by them

Because of the devotion v.18

Again, those very comforting words for someone as weak as myself. He says – Whoa! - Just like Jesus – that devotion to him burns up all sins, all transgressions. And in v.21-22 he makes clear that this path is open to all, even to outcastes. In v.23-30 he instructs and describes how to devote ourselves, urging us to merge ourselves with his Self; to use meditation to help us do this.

Uddhava asks how to meditate, and Krishna replies with very detailed instructions. They are instructions I'd like to follow. And they are even stepped. At first, he says begin by sitting in lotus and concentrate on breathing. While breathing, let the prana flow up the sushumna to the heart chakra, and there let the sacred mantra Om "sound there – like the peal of a bell." Practice combining breath and prana in this manner 10 times, 3 times a day. In a month, he says, you'll have enough control of the prana to begin meditating.

Then he gives instructions on how to meditate, focused in devotion on him, using very specific imagery. While at the same time saying it doesn't matter what form we give him, so long as it is beautiful, serene, and benign. "Let it smile at you and be gracious to you" v.38. Eventually one lets oneself be filled and absorbed by that Self, so that all distance between self and Self is dissolved. "Remain like that, absorbed in Self! Like fire uniting with fire" v.45. One who does this, who achieves the focus required for this, is yogi and "Liberation from the world of multiplicities is near, very near" v.46.

I think I better stick to Easwaran's plan for now. I'm not sure I completely understand how to follow these instructions.

Later – meditation awful today. Well, not really, but had trouble staying on the words of the passage. Mind skittering around, going off on tangents. I had to call it back over and over. It wasn't drowsiness at all, it was monkey brain. I had to make myself start over at the beginning in punishment several times. I didn't allow myself to get frustrated or angry though. Just brought it back. Having re-read Easwaran's warnings about what can happen helped a lot. It reminded me that this is par for the course. It will likely be a frequent problem for me, the more so because I boasted yesterday of not doing this, so it has to show me who is really in charge. Easwaran quotes one of the Christian saints as saying that even if all one does for an hour is bring the mind back, over and over again from one of its side trips, it is an hour well-spent. I believe him. I put my faith in those who have gone before. They must be my gurus for now, as I haven't got a living, breathing one to hand.

At the library I found some gems. A book that explains – or at least tells – the stories of Krishna's earthly life, which I've so been wanting to know. My mental image of Lord Krishna is disembodied, cut off from the context of a human life. I want to know the "biography," the mythology, the story. If I am going to be his devotee, which it appears I am, already so much love wells up inside me for Him – probably partly a transfer of my long love for Jesus. This seems ok to me. Both are just ways for us to connect with God – I don't think either would mind overlapping in my mind and hear. At least – if they do, they aren't really God.

Anyway, I've gathered that the story of Krishna's life inspires easy devotion, much like Jesus and Buddha Gotama. And with Krishna, there is the wonderful additon of (or rather, there is no subtraction, nothing missing from) his infancy, toddlerhood, childhood, pre-teen and teen years. So with Krishna we get all these wonderful stories about his being a cute baby, a holy terror of a two year old, growing up, his friendships, his coming of age, dating – if you can call it that (more like catting around), marrying, settling down and having his own children, becoming a king, having adventures. I mean – it is a whole life. But I don't know it, really, yet. And I'm hungry to. Will I grow closer? Become, as the verse I read today, moved to tears of sorrow at his absence and joy at his return?

Or will seeing the real man make me say "this is no god!" the way the Gospels do? In the gospels, especially Matthew and John, I can't abide the person they depict – haughty, arrogant, enraged, violent, snide, abusive, vengeful and angry. Such a hippocrite, he seems. Which is why I don't believe those gospels are faithful to the man Jesus must have been. Like Rushdie's Mohammed, their god's words sound too conveniently like what the author's would like God to say.

Besides, I don't expect the same things from Krishna that Christians are taught to expect from Jesus. No one claims Krishna to be sinless, pure, chaste, perfect. The point of their lives is different. Humanity's condition is different. While Krishna is already Us, part of the great experiment, whose job is to help us see that He and We are the same, Jesus' job seems (from the Christian POV) to be to tell us He is God and we are not. We are an experiment gone wrong and its subjects in (im)mortal danger. Jesus must save us. Krishna "must" not do anything, but is there as an example and teacher if we'd like to follow. We don't "have" to; nothing terrible will happen to us if we don't.

I guess I'm working on how to explain my choice of path, choice of divine image to my Mom. I don't, otherwise, feel any need to justify myself or attack Jesus or Christianity. I don't want to do that. Even writing this out feels like beating a dead horse. Going through the motions but feeling the angry passion I felt last year as I struggled to prove to myself that I had good reasons for letting Christianity go. I no longer need good reasons. I'm convinced. I have faith in the dharma. And it isn't that I believe people should stop being Christians. Surely emulating Christ will get one to brahman, too.

One other thing I thought of recently was this: there is room inside Hindu philosophy/belief/faith/practice for every other religion/philosophy/science in the world. But there is no room inside modern Christianity for anything but itself. Which then is the greater? In science, in social science, in philosophy, in humanities, in art – in all areas of scholarship and human endeavor, we come to appreciate and esteem the theory with the greatest explanatory power. Hinduism wins, hands down.

June 20

In Dialogue 10, the translator tells us, Krishna reveals the rewards, the powers that come from dedicated, disciplined meditation. These powers are called "siddhis" which means "perfections."

To the yogi of balanced mind

Who is able to fix awareness on me,

Who has both the senses and the prana in control,

The siddhis will offer themselves.

These are pretty cool things! Krishna grants eight of them; the other 10 flow naturally from the guna sattva. These are things like becoming smaller than an atom, seeing the past and future, entering another's body, choosing a different form, choosing one's death, being impervious to hunger, thirst, cold, illness, death. To direct maya with one's will, to have one's will obeyed without objection. These are no small rewards! How much more willing am I to work for these, rather than "heaven"?!

Krishna explains which type of meditation will lead to which gift and notes that one who meditates on all these aspects of Krishna/Brahman will receive all 18. But he notes immediately that those who practice the best yoga, who wish to seek union with Him, "they know that these siddhis are obstacles" v.33

One can immediately see why they would be. Striving to obtain one or all of these gifts is a distraction. If one's goal is to be smaller than an atom, then one's goal is not escape from maya and union with the Self. Or, having meditated in good faith with the goal of union, one could be pulled off course after receiving a siddhi, just as Easwaran warns against being too awed by the mental fireworks or the other shows the mind puts on during meditation. Just like with those, the best course, if one is blessed to receive a siddhi, is to note that one has it, but keep it to the side, with one's focus fixed on Krishna or brahman.

Probably that's why you don't hear of yogis doing these things; they don't. Those who receive these abilities are wise enough not to use them. At least not for themselves and not often. Still, it's exciting to know what gifts await. And one does have the sense that many, many people in India (and China, Nepal, Tibet – all over Asia and S.E. Asia for that matter) DO choose the hour of their own deaths. Also a good number who are impervious to hunger, pain and the elements. I see that a lot in the ethnographies of aging and medical anthropology that I read.

There is so much to read! I want to read it all, absorb it all, do it all. I wish I was able to devote my whole life to these things. I mean, every hour of every day. I still have to do all these professor things, support my family, be a wife, etc. And I still care about those things. But can you imagine how wonderful it would be to spend one's every waking moment in meditation, communion, studying scripture, learning from the wise? Oh, that is a true desire of my heart. It would be perfect if J also wanted that, and we could do that together. How I would love that. Could we maybe find some version of that someday? Some lifetime? Or maybe at least some small taste of it? A retreat, maybe?

Oh! What if we bought a farm that we could turn into a retreat center, and we could bring the gurus to us! And other fellow seekers could come? Everyone can dream, right?

June 8 – 10, 2007

June 8, 2007

I am about to start the Uddhava Gita, the Final Teaching of Krishna, which elaborates on the bhakti path. Last night I ordered a copy of the Upanishads, so I'll have that next. This Gita is also translated by a woman, but this time a Hindu, Swami Ambikananda Saraswati. The intro says it "avoids the sort of oversimplified devotion that robs its devotees of intelligence" p.9. The forward identifies this work as part of the Bhagavatha Purana, and says it competes in popularity with the Bhagavad Gita.

Hinduism, or the Sanatana Dharma, it says, "is said to be shruti, smitri purana – that which is heard, that which is remembered, and the puranas" p.11. All of the important scriptures – the Vedas, the Upanishads, the Mahabharata and the Ramayana – all refer to the importance of the Puranas. The forward says the traditional view is that the Puranas are a way of putting the great Truths of the Upanishads and the Vedas into simple language that lay men can understand. Whereas the Vedas are prabhusammit vakya, "words of authority," the Puranas are shraddha vakya "the counseling of a friend." "They teach the message of the Vedas in a friendly way because they are rich in parables and stories" p.11.

Goes on to say that the Puranas have "generally not sided with any sectarian philosophy or school," so they contain the basic principles embraced by the schools of Samkhya, Yoga and Vedanta. Also the ideas later taken up by Buddhism and Jainism – so it does sound a lot like the Gita – the other Gita – in its message, if not its form.

The Bhagavatha was the first Purana translated into a European language. It has 81 Sanskrit commentaries, is translated into every Indian language. It is said to be vanamayavatara – the incarnation of the Supreme in the form of literature. Like the B. Gita, and the Koran. It is attributed to Veda Vyasa, but of course, like all ancient scripture, was probably the work of many hands. Bhagavatha Purana literally means "Book of God." It has 12 volumes that detail the life of Krishna, whom it depicts as the avatar of Vishnu. The only "total" incarnation.

Instead of the young warrior, Arjuna, the Uddhava Gita tells the discussion between Krishna and Uddhava, "an old man and the friend and humble counselor of Krishna, who turns and asks Krishna for advice on the eve of the avatar's departure from earth" p.14.

I'm into the translator's introduction now, the explanation of choices. Some important terms:

Bhagavan has been translated as "Radiant One" and is often used as an epithet for Krishna. It is traditionally applied to "gods who possess power, courage, fame, wealth, knowledge and renunciation" P.17. Shiva also has these qualities and Bhagavan is used for him as well. She notes it is often translated as "Lord" but she rejects that term because of its European medieval connotations.

Yay! She has refused to translate all pronouns referring to brahman, jiva and atman as masculine! Finally! This accords, she says, with the "original Sanskrit tradition of genderless references to the Self" p.18. She also has refused to use the terms "God" or "soul" because of their anthropomorphic, Christian connections and images.

The meat of the book begins with a mind-centering prayer, a meditation for the Book of God, which I like. And so . . .

Dialogue One

The translator begins with a commentary. This dialogue sets the scene. Krishna, who is Prince of Dvaraka, is in his palace and the gods, demi-gods and "hosts of angelic beings" have gathered to witness his departure from earth p.21. Krishna is distinct from the gods and the people at this point. Uddhava begins at Krishna's feet, I guess begging Krishna to take him with him; Krishna refuses.

As I begin the actual dialogue, I'm first swallowed up in footnotes, some of which are quite interesting. I know that Krishna is usually portrayed as having either black or blue skin. But I didn't know that Krishna, the word, actually means "the Dark One." Some historians therefore believe that he was, in fact, dark in skin color, and was one of the non-Aryan invaders. Pretty interesting, since the Dravidians, the darkest Indians, often as dark or darker than Africans, were incorporated into the very bottom of the social structure. Maybe even more despised and lowly than Jesus at birth. Maybe that explains his message that liberation is possible for all regardless of station in life?

She notes that others believe his name is not a reference to skin color but to his association with the Kali Yuga, the Dark Age we are living in.

I am so excited that I am going to learn more about the gods! I get so confused. There is the trinity of Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva. I have no problem with that. I know some of the others, too, like Ganesha and Saraswati and Kali and the other shaktis. And Indra, of course. But I've always wondered how Indra can be King of the gods? How does that jibe with the trinity? I'm not going to learn it all at once. I know that some of the systems come from different time periods of belief, and reflect different naming systems in different regions, too. But I'm not going to worry about it right now. I'm going to read like a child and learn from the context of the stories.

The point here is that just about everyone who is anyone is there. I love that she provides info in the footnotes about myths that Indians would know, so we can understand the allusions in the text. I often wished Stoler did that in the B. Gita – but of course she didn't know them, so she couldn't. [Can you imagine having a copy of the Christian gospels with footnotes and commentary provided by a 1^st century Hebrew? Wow! How amazing that would be!]

The gods and hosts gathered there shower Krishna with praise, and ask blessings of Him. They repeat things from the B. Gita about his nature, and make it explicitly clear that Krishna is the unifier of all schools of philosophy by saying in verse 11:

Your beloved feet

Are the very feet contemplated by those

Who make offerings to the sacrificial fire

In accordance with the Scriptures;

And by the great Yogis

Who seek to pierce the veil of illusion;

And by the most devout

Who hunger for true knowledge of the Self.

Okay, this is what I understand: the gods – Brahma, Shiva, Indra and others asked Krishna to incarnate, to stop the evil being done on the earth. A clan, the Yadus, had usurped power and were doing nasty things. So Krishna incarnates into this evil dynasty and as a Yadu, as one of them, he works toward and sets up their ruin. Wild! Seems so unlike what Judeo-Christian heros do.

Krishna arranges for himself to be ruler of the Yadu (I don't know how yet) and sets them up so that the Pandavas will win the battle and "oversee the destruction" of the Yadu. Krishna, in verse 34, looks out at the "disturbances all around" – meaning the war, and tells the elders its time to split, to escape, lest they get slaughtered. He says they'll sacrifice and feed the hungry as a way to avoid attracting the bad karma of the battle.

While everyone is scurrying around getting ready to leave, Uddhava, "the ever faithful" prostrates himself at Krishna's feet. He praises him and speaks of his own devotion. He says "What about us? Those of us who love you so much? How will we live without you?"

Naked sages, lifelong celibates,

Who have pacified their senses

And renounced the world,

Attain the elusive goal of liberation v.47

But what of us who are in this world

And involved in all its works?

We talk of you among ourselves,

We know that you are the guiding light

That will lead us out of darkness. v. 48

It is a very moving story. Reminds me a lot of how people responded to Jesus and to the Buddha. Humble people, lowly servants, full of passionate devotion, and amazingly, feel comfortable coming up to these larger-than-life saviors and expressing their devotion. In this case, begging as one would a child or a partner – please don't leave me! I love you so much I cannot live without you. With you gone, life loses all its meaning and purpose and light. That is devotion. Here I am, wanting to be devoted but still stupidly clinging to what I have and not reaching for the bigger prize. A child's dilemma, but here I am.

June 9

I'm eager to hear Krishna's response.

Dialogue 2

The opening notes from the translator don't tell me anything new. From the verses and footnotes I learn that Krishna was incarnated with his brother, Balarama. And Krishna verifies that he is leaving the earth, having done what he came to do, namely helping the Yadu dynasty into its own destruction. He mentions a flood, saying "in just seven days it (the palace and city) will be submerged by a deluge" v.3.

In verse 4, Krishna says that once he has left the world "the dreaded Age of Kali will begin – the age in which all that is suspicious becomes hidden and obscured." A footnote clarifies that we are living in the Kali Yuga right now, and it will not end until Vishnu incarnates as Kalki.

Krishna tells Uddhava not to stay in the palace, but to go off and become sannyasin. Say goodbye to the people in one's life and "roam the world as one free of all attachments" v.6. He speaks of our deluded state:

Whatever you see, hear, or touch

Know that you cannot know it

For what it is.

Know that whatever your mind makes of it

Is like a mirage that will fade away. v.7

Not just figured worlds, but even matter we see is not "as it is." All reality is mediated – I mean all our perceptions of all reality are mediated by the delusion of individuality. We are not able to see "things as they really are" except occassionally and as a result of effort and dedication.

Therefore, control your senses and your mind

See the entire universe as the Self

And see this Self in me

Its Supreme Sovreign. v.9

In this way you will come to know

And realize that the Self within you

Is the same Self of all embodied beings.

Once you know this

Your mind will be completely satisfied

And all obstacles will be removed. v.10

Same exact message as the B. Gita, so they confirm and support one another. The problem is . . . how does one do this? Yes, okay, meditation. Will meditation by itself accomplish all this? I guess it just might.

Thankfully, Uddhava says just what I want to say: Essentially – Thank you for this wonderful advice. I see why you are saying it. And I'm certain it is perfect advice. However . . . I am weak. I can't see my way to doing it. Am I doomed, since I am so tangled up in this world, in this reality the way I perceive it? The illusion you wove into creation is strong, and I am so very attached to this body, which I perceive as mine – "I am completely immersed in the ideas-of-I-and-mine". Renouncing it will be most difficult for me, so please teach me how to carry out your instructions. v. 16

For even Brahma and all the gods

Are committed to the illusion you have created:

That the perceived world is a reality v.17

In v.18 he calls Krishna "Narayama," which a footnote explains is one of the 22 names of Vishnu and can also mean "abode of humankind."

Krishna answers by saying that some people have broken through the illusion by their own efforts. "The Self is the real teacher of all people, who are endowed with an intelligence that is able to discern the real from the unreal." V. 20 No matter how stupid we look, or how deluded, Krishna reminds us we all have Self, which is not deluded.

The Self is most easily realized

In the human form . . . v.21

Through Samkhya and Yoga

Meaning jnana and raja in Huston Smith's terms. Here, as in the B. Gita, the two are complimentary, go together, are done in conjunction with one another. Krishna reiterates that it is the human body in which the Self can be most easily attained, and "it is here in the human body that I may be discovered as the Self. But not by the ordinary means of perception" v.23.

Okay, it is through the self that we may come to know God. We know that. But how? Krishna tells a story, a parable, to get the message across.

The story is about a king who meets and admires a young Brahmin sannyasin and asks how he got to be so spiritually advanced. The youth replies he learned all from the earth, air, space, water and fire; the sun and moon, dove and python, sea, moth, bee and elephant. From honey, arrow-maker, serpent, spider and insect.

And then he details what he learned from each one. I'm about done writing for the day. What struck me right away was the incredible, amazing grasp of physics Indians had thousands of years ago. Will write about that tomorrow.

June 10

Back to the 2^nd Discourse, in which Krishna is telling the story of the young Brahmin who learned from 24 teachers. The one's that speak to me most right now are these:

From the earth I learned to remain undisturbed

Even while being oppressed

By those under the sway of their own destiny.

The earth taught me not to deviate

From the course that I set for myself v.37

From the air I learned

What it means to be a yogi

To move about freely in contact with all things

But attached to no thing . . . v.40

That the yogi comes and goes through many bodies

Yet remains in untouched stillness . . . v.41

From the fire I learned how to burn brightly

Through the power of practice.

From fire I learned we need only the food

That the belly can burn now.

From fire I learned to accept what is given to me

And to let the fire of my practice

Transform what is impure and make it pure v. 45

From the sun I learned non-attachment

The sun draws water up into the atmosphere

And then returns it as the gentle rain.

This is surely what it means to live as a yogi

Accepting the experiences that are freely offered

And letting them go when they are withdrawn. v.50

Then comes a terrible story about a dove family, who love one another so much they don't need anything else, don't look outside their own nest, and then a fowler captures their young babies and first the wife/mother then the father, become trapped by their unwillingness to let go of the little ones. "Anyone who becomes so attached . . . will come to the same end." v. 73. And then, evidence for the number of lives we live before getting to be human, the last verse of this dialogue is:

We have to soar high

To attain this precious human birth,

Which is like an open door to liberation.

We must not act like that dove,

And fail to look towards that

Beyond our home and family v. 74

I am really attracted by the idea of learning from the earth, and of course one can learn a gazillion things – could find an example to teach just about anything. But I think what I'm liking is the idea that when I have one of those insights from studying nature, I don't have to be so hesitant, so cautious. Why not just say, "I learned this . . . " and let the insight become part of what I know I know?

[I think what I was referring to here was the fear I had as a Christian that the science would come into conflict with the doctrine, as it so often has; it may not have to, but it very often has, and it very often still does. So there is a tension between my scientific work and my parents, for example, who, even if they don't argue, make faces like they'd like to about things I accept as undisputed fact; undisputed because there is so much evidence that other arguments just seem silly]

In Dialogue 3, this lesson continues.

He says the wise know pain and pleasure will come on their own and do not seek them out. Like the python we should take what food comes our way and accept being hungry sometimes as part of our destiny. In this way we won't "chase after things that will pass away." V.4

Like the full and constant ocean,

Which remains always the same

Whether the rivers of the earth

Flow into it or not

The sage should remain in that awareness,

Even as joys and sorrows come and go v.6

He speaks of the importance of controlling the senses, says we should be like bees who just take a little from here and there, but unlike the bee should never store "more than the hands and stomach can hold" v.11. He preaches sexual celibacy, as passion will bind us. And then the dialogue ends with the story of Pingala, the prostitute. It is the story of Everyman (or woman). We work hard to prepare a place for ourselves as she spends all day preparing herself for night. She has the hope that a rich man, or men, will bring her happiness through wealth and security. But as the night stretches on and no one comes, she begins to turn her thoughts inward. The "pain of disgust for the life she was leading" . . . "such pain often becomes the sword that cuts through material longings and awakens dispassion" v.28.

For no one, O great king, in whom a disgust

For things of this world

Has not arisen

Seeks liberation.

It is from this disgust that discernment arises

And the ideas-of-I-and-mine are challenged v.29

How many times in this present life have I felt that disgust? So many! About my life with Roger – even before, with alcohol and school. Then his abuse, and several times with speed, my own relationships with men, and alcohol lots of times, and being a victim. Over and over have I experienced this.

Wow. Verses 37-39 are so like what I've been feeling with this physical pain: "Despite the life that I have led the Supreme One has smiled on me." "Had I been truly unfortunate the despair of this world would not have been born in me." "With complete love and devotion I accept this gift that has been bestowed on me" v. 39.

Let me be grateful for this life I have been given, with all its many opportunities to see that wealth, luxury, financial security, the admiration of men, the escape of alcohol and drugs, physical fitness, beauty, etc., are not what bring peace and joy. Truly, while it seems sometimes it would be a lot nicer to be healthy, wealthy, and beautiful, would that really move me closer to where I want to be? The evidence all says "no." And while I'm still not ready to become sannyasin, am still working toward a little security, I can learn to be grateful for what I have, including this intense and unceasing pain.

June 4-7 , 2007

June 4, 2007

[More detailed discussion of history of relationship with Dad, Mom, their divorce, etc.]

It feels good to have let go of my need for him to be a certain way. I guess I am coming out the other side of grief. I had to let myself mourn the breaking of the family and the loss of the father figure I had in my mind. It is kind of strange, like a hole where there once was an aching tooth. Keep poking it with the tongue, but the pain just isn't there anymore. Wow. I guess all this stuff I'm doing is actually working.

I think it happened this way: once I saw what I was doing, that I was trying to force Dad into my image (or imago, as the object-relations folks would have it), and that I was angry at another human being when I don't know what their path will bring them . . . Once I was able to see that Dad's true Self is God, is like my true Self, IS my true Self, I just didn't feel angry or even hurt anymore. Strange, but true.

The world really is what we think it is; we can utterly change our relation to the world by thinking something different. Wow. I just keep being amazed, filled with wonder and with joy.

Quickly, let me write about the Gita's message today.

The faith each man has, Arjuna,
Follows his degree of lucidity;

A man consists of his faith,

And as his faith is, so is he. v.17:3

This is kind of what I was just saying. As my faith in the wisdom of Krishna deepens, my self changes. As I acknowledge in my heart the truth of the Gita, my views, attitudes, beliefs, emotions and values change. With little conscious attention or effort, my self has emptied of anger and become full of compassion. What an amazing, beautiful thing – more so because I can feel it is just the beginning, just a small taste of what will come if I become more disciplined. I have yet to follow Easwaran's suggestion of meditating 30 minutes a day on a text (for me St. Francis' prayer). I will do that. I'll get there, and I feel so excited about what further miracles might happen inside me.

June 7

I am in the 18^th and last Teaching: The Wondrous Dialogue Concludes. Always relevant, the Gita here is speaking of renunciation and relinquisment. Krishna brings up a debate:

Some wise men say all action

Is flawed and must be relinquished;

Others say action in sacrifice, charity,

And penance must not be relinquished. v.3

Krishna declares his decision, which must be taken as final. The very fact that he makes a decision says to me that God, brahman, does learn and change. Krishna decides that action is not to be totally relinquished, i.e. we are not to sit down in a monestary or under a tree and never get up again.

Action in sacrifice, charity,

And penance is to be performed,

Not relinquished – for wise men,

They are acts of sanctity. v. 5

But even these actions

Should be done by relinquishing to me

Attachment and the fruit of action –

This is my decisive idea. v. 6

We are to perform prescribed actions. So, rituals, prayers, all the traditional Hindu stuff. Do the labor prescribed by our stations in life, and our caste. Applied to me – I need to do the work of being a daughter, sister, wife, friend and the work of teaching, service and research. Maybe also some religious ritual. Do these things as best I can, but relinquish the fruits; do not become attached. If I get good evaluations, I need to offer them up in loving sacrifice. Don't allow pride and individuality to delude me into taking personal credit. Same with all my actions.

A man burdened by his body

Cannot completely relinquish actions,

But a relinquisher is defined

As one who can relinquish the fruits. v. 11
We have these bodies for a reason. We decided to be bodies in the first place. And because of nature's qualities, the gunas, we must act. But it isn't me that acts, it is nature. In v. 16, Krishna says that a person who sees himself as the agent of his own actions "cannot be said to see."

He goes on to explain things I don't really get, and don't feel ready to completely get, about agency, action and knowledge. It seems like it might be a useful expositon for my research, as well as my life, but I'm not in a mental space to completely decipher the meaning.

Know that through lucid knowledge

One sees in all creatures

A single, unchanging existence,

Undivided within its divisions v. 20

I think this is enough for one day . . . one lifetime. Keep remembering that all existence is one. That will greatly help my relationships at work if I just hold on to it.

June 8

[After reading the evaluations from my spring courses – one class took a big dive]

I really need to dive into the Gita! I am feeling so hurt, and like such a failure. Which is incorrect – I did not fail. I made some mistakes, I'm not perfect, but I didn't fail. And the students are commenting about a course, and how it went for them. They are evaluating the instruction; not me as a human being. And furthermore, it isn't my Self – its just whitethoughts, who is learning an awful lot this life about a lot of things. Stumbling is supposed to happen.

So I'm going to re-read the 18^th Teaching. What will I do after that? I may start again at the beginning, but I do have another text . . . we'll see.

An agent called pure

Has no attachment or individualism,

Is resolute and energetic,

Unchanged in failure or success v.26

An agent said to be passionate

Is anxious to gain the fruit of action,

Greedy, essentially violent, impure,

Subject to excitement and grief. v. 27

An agent defined by dark inertia

Is undisciplined, vulgar, stubborn,

Fraudulent, dishonest, lazy,

Depressed, and slow to act. v. 28

In all of Krishna's descriptions in this teaching and the previous, I see myself mostly in the passionate category. Like here, I am excited when my evaluations are good, full of grief when they are bad. I am greedy, anxious for the fruit. I put in so much work, and tried to offer it up, yet here I am, still attached to the work and greedy for results. There are sometimes hints of dark inertia. I feel as if I am still fighting the tempation to be lazy and depressed. I know I'm stubborn and terribly undisciplined about some things.

So I am sitting in passion, but closer to dark inertia than to lucidity. I see the goal. I can be resolute and energetic. I need to use what energy I have to become immune to failure and success. Let go of the fruit of action. Whether the class was a success or not depended on a lot things and people. When things go well, who is that for? Not for me. I offer that up in sacrifice. Need to let go of the failure, as well.

I teach because it is my dharma to teach. I try to improve because I hope my students will come to understand more things. Not because it will bring glory or prestige, but because that is what I am here to do.

Each one achieves success

By focusing on her own action;

Hear how one finds success

By focusing on her own action v.45

Arjuna, a (wo)man should not relinquish

Action she is born to, even if it is flawed;

All undertakings are marred by a flaw,

As fire is obscured by smoke. v.48

Justifications for the caste system, but I can see utility in these verses. Keep doing what I am supposed to do. Don't worry too much about the flaws inherent in any system. Just do the work and let the chips fall where they may.

If I am in your thought, by my grace

You will trancend all dangers v.58

Different subject, but I love the verse:

You must not speak of this

To one who is without penance and devotion,

Or who does not wish to hear,

Or who finds fault with me. v.67

An anti-conversion stance. I love it.

It's Okay to Be a Three Year Old (June 1-3, 2007)

To think there was a moment I was worried I might lose the pain before I could learn enough! Seems a little silly, in retrospect. Obviously, I haven't learned near enough yet, as I keep learning the same lessons over and over again. It seems like every couple weeks my body lets me know it has a new plan for how I can learn something more about either patience, humility, or something equally wonderful to have and equally unpleasant to actually obtain. I'm afraid I'm being particularly dense this time around about accepting things as they are. I find myself railing against the endless winter though it is only February, and being angry when it seems I went through surgery for nothing because the problems are reasserting themselves, or when new physical problems develop. I wish my larger Self, the universe, God, my body - whoever is in charge - would just give me a little time to rest and recoup before I had to deal with another round.

Now, how is that for whining? And some of you thought you were good at it! hah! I'm telling you, I am not doing a good job of practicing detachment or acceptance. But I'm working on it.

June 1, 2007

It hasn't been easy, this past week. In fact, it has been so hard that I feel I'll never recover. I'm sure that can't actually be true. I hope and pray that in a week, this will be all-but-forgotten and I'll be revelling in the relief the epidural will bring. Please let it! I'm worried that the shot isn't going to work, that all of this will have been for nothing, physically, since it hasn't kicked in yet. I guess I could look it up in my journal, see for sure how long it took last time. It was gradual, snuck up on me. Perhaps if my head and spine weren't hurting, the side would also stop.

I simply have to accept that I am doing what I can. Make sure that I am doing all I can, and let the rest go.

I had some success yesterday, remembering I am not whitethoughts. Still seems funny to write. Keep thinking that if I progress along the path I'm travelling, the purpose of journaling will change or go away. Why spend so much time writing about an "I" that doesn't exist? Still a long way away. I still believe in whitethoughts. Things are shifting in me. I've begun to feel, when I slip into begging, that I am praying to my Self. I still feel funny saying it because in the Western Christian context it sounds delusional, but my inner picture of God, of whom I am praying to, was first an overlay/hologram type image of Jesus/Krishna – meshed and overlapping and coming in and out of focus. But now I'm starting to see me in there as well, and J, and Indy. A good step, in part because it highlights the ridiculousness of begging for anything – from one's self? If one has the power to affect reality, just do it! Alas, I'm not that capable of directing my will yet. Probably for the damn good reason that I'm not remotely wise enough to use that power correctly.

For example, would I have given myself the lesson in humility, helplessness, detachment and meditation of last week? No WAY! I would give J a job – a high paying teaching job, and take away my own pain. Pretty amazingly selfish, eh? First thought wasn't about Doug, or our goddaughters, or Mom and Dad. So – okay. Thank goodness I don't have (conscious and direct) access to the reality machine. In which case, don't expect begging to disappear right away. Begging is a relief, a release. Begging may be the wrong word, but really that is what it is. Pleading? Throwing myself on the mercy of whoever is in charge?

Point – I am at least beginning to figure it out. That I – or my real Self is in control. What I'm finding, by thinking of myself in the third person, is that my compassion for myself grows. I do begin to see her and her struggles more objectively. But also it is bleeding over into how I see J, and my compassion and love for him also grows. It's after 7, so let me just say this – the 15^th Teaching supports the identification I am making between my Self and Krishna/Jesus/God.

When the lord takes on a body

And then leaves it . . . v.8

Men of discipline who strive

See him present within themselves;

But without self-mastery and reason,

Even those who strive fail to see. v. 11

I dwell deep

In the heart of everyone v. 15

Other is the supreme spirit of man,

Called the supreme self,

The immutable lord who enters

And sustains the three worlds v.17

Whoever knows me without delusion

As the supreme spirit of man

Knows all there is, Arjuna –

He devotes his whole being to me. v.19

June 2

[Detailed discussion of session with pain therapist]

Phyllis had an inspiration while watching me meditate, that mudras might be helpful for me.

I know for sure there are important things to learn from pain. Maybe I have to get to the point where I am truly grateful for each twinge before the pain will go away. Wow; it's hard to get there. I am fighting resentment. I know in my head that life is not fair, that all we ought to expect is more suffering, and that in the grand scheme of things, I have it very easy. I know that there are parts of me that feel resentful toward God and the Universe and all these other people walking around with no pain. Couldn't they stand to learn some patience? Some non-attachment? Disinterest? Sacrifice? Love? Why me?

Oh geez. Silly! Because I know why me! Because me wants to learn those things. My larger Self, for sure. But even my conscious self. I want, with all my heart, to be a better person. So the pain is a way to do that. The pain is a gift, given in love, to provide me an opportunity to learn to be a better person, in all the ways I understand that to mean, and probably more. That means I can't waste it. What if it heals, goes away without my learning anything? Wouldn't that be terrible? I should appreciate every precious moment, as they may go away and never come again. Wow. Can I do that? What does it mean about pain medication? I don't think I'm ready to embrace the pain so much that I give that up totally. I do still have to work. But maybe I can begin to ask myself, if it isn't to do a duty, fulfill a responsibility, at those times I can let the pain be what it is. Even with the meds, there is plenty of pain to learn from.

I guess the lesson for today is that one must fulfill one's duty regardless of discomfort.

June 3

[Discussion of pain (always), work to be done (always) and the proper use of a journal]

One thing I'm consciously working on is getting better control over my thoughts. I have always spent a lot of mental energy replaying conversations, having imaginary confrontations, and especially fixating on moments and issues that angered or hurt me. Easwaran – and of course the Gita – reiterate that we must have mental discipline. Not just when sitting down to meditate but all of the time. Why do I allow my mind to replay a hurtful scene, or to dwell on a slight, or imagine a thousand different ways my students might hate me? Yes, occasionally it is helpful to rehearse something, but most of the time such yammering serves no helpful purpose. So I have been trying to catch myself each time my mind begins. And here again the mantra saves me. I attempt to redirect my mind's attention to the mantra, and let go of the replay or rehearsal. It is quite difficult. A minute later I find my mind has returned to the same old sad story, and I have to re-direct it, over and over. Easwaran promises, based on a lot of experience, that eventually I will have to redirect it less often, and that it will become less frequent that the mind even begins down that road.

Easwaran promises that each repetition of the mantra is like one shovel-full of dirt, bringing us closer to the center as we dig our way down. Thus the mental energy that was getting wasted in an imaginary argument is now being used, being harnessed, to bring us closer to god.

I have so many opportunities for this. Perhaps everyone is like this, but I feel I may be one of the worst offenders, as my mind is a real chatterbox. It never shuts up. If I can manage this turnaround, it will mean I have made an automatic-shovel, and can be digging my way toward God at a constant, steady pace. A way to turn a negative personality trait into a positive god-seeking tool.

Also, I want to report that I have more moments that I used to in which my mind is still. It is wonderful. Obviously, as soon as I recognize the stillness I've created a ripple, but maybe I'll get better about just letting it be, as it becomes less of a novelty.

Hey – maybe that's why I've been able to enjoy going to the movies more – my mind is actually able to attend only to the film for longer chunks of time, instead of rattling on about other things. And all of this growth has happened before I've even been able to begin meditating! At least, meditating the way I intend to.

It's possible that I had to do some of this work, get some practice with the mantra, before I was able to meditate. My mind may have been so undisciplined that it simply couldn't bring itself to truly contemplate meditation. It was last Saturday I felt ready to try. But the headache was truly too intense and I just could not stand to sit up for the full 30 minutes. I feel ready again. I'm eager to see what results daily meditation will bring when I've begun to see such wonderful benefits from just getting better at remembering to say the mantra, and from studying the Gita, of course.

I am a little worried that I am too focused on the fruit. But I think I should let go of that worry. I am too focused on the fruit – the clear, calm mind. The loving, patient, wise personality. But oh well! We all have to start somewhere. I am not mature. Big deal. Neither are three year olds. They aren't bad for being three and not 30, or 90. That is just where they are. If, in terms of meditation, or self-discipline and contemplation, I am less evolved than an infant – well, so be it. I'm an infant. A fetus, even. I need to be more compassionate toward myself.

If my brain begins reciting an old argument or repeating a stupid song, there is no need to berate it, yelling and punishing and being mean, as is my wont. No, just gently correct. Gently redirect. A kindly, "No dear, let's think about God instead" is much more appropriate. I need to remember how young and immature this person is. There is no need to yell at her. Just kindly, with compassion, steer her into the right path.

I know Christianity does not have to be punitive, that in fact Jesus taught compassion and forgiveness. But I picked up very bad habits as a Christian; habits of self-hatred and self-punishment. I categorized my behavior as "bad" or "wrong" any time it was less than Jesus-like perfection, and took myself into terrible cycles of guilt and remorse and shame. I refuse to bring that baggage into this new place. There is no judgment here. No final Judgement Day, no hell, and no punishment except what you give yourself. Be who and where you are. Try to grow. Learn from your mistakes. Correct yourself when you catch yourself taking an unhelpful turn. That's it. No scourge. No inventive self-tortures. Those aren't helpful. They are not kind, patient, compassionate, gentle, forgiving, disinterested – and therefore are not true, not correct. So leave them alone.

There is a lot in the 16^th and 17^th Teachings about this. In the 16^th, The Divine and Demonic in Man, Krishna describes each type of man. The list of adjectives is worth memorizing and repeating, but here I want to note that they apply to one's dealing with oneself, too.

Hypocrisy, arrogance, vanity,

Anger, harshness, ignorance;

These characterize a man

Born with demonic traits v.4

Is it not hypocrisy to preach compassion and then be cruel to oneself? Is it not arrogance and vanity that cause me to think that I alone of all humans should be held to Jesus' standards for himself? What ego to believe I should be perfect at the start! Anger and harshness directed at myself – just a small creature – are just as wrong as if directed at someone else – a small child, a bunny rabbit.

Confused by endless thoughts,

Caught in the net of delusion,

Given to satisfying their desires . . . v. 16

Submitting to individuality, power,

Arrogance, desire, and anger,

They hate me and revile me

In their own bodies, as in others v. 18

And in the 17^th Teaching, Three Aspects of Faith, Krishna, is explaining the "threefold mature of faith inherent in the embodied self" v.2, and after describing sacrifices he says:

Men who practice horrific penances

That go against traditional norms

Are trapped in hypocrisy and individuality,

Overwhelmed by the emotion of desire v.5

Without reason, they torment

The elements composing their bodies,

And they torment me within them;

Know them to have demonic resolve v.6

I am no longer even self-disciplined enough to torture my body in penance, but since childhood this has been my bent. My sinfulness is in how I hypocritically require perfection from myself in exchange for love. It is hard for me to accept the verdict of hypocrisy. The thing I most dislike, most hate, in myself and others. But look how the word keeps showing up in the context of self-punishment. I can't deny it. Ouch. So I have to stop doing these things in my head.

My guess is, from the little experience I've had, that once I am able to be kinder to myself, I will find I'm more compassionate toward others, as well.

May 26 – 31, 2007

May 26, 2007

It's still a bit chilly to sit outside on the deck. I'm trying to wrap and tuck myself up so I can stay out here.

The Fourteenth Teaching: The Triad of Nature's Qualities

In the third verse, Krishna begins to explain how it is that nature exists, how all this matter of the universes comes into being. He uses words we can understand, wombs and embryos and seeds, but it seems a mistake to read this too literally. "My womb," he says, ". . . is Brahman; in it I place the embryo and from this comes the origin of all living creatures."

The infinite spirit is the great womb

Of all forms that come to be

In all wombs,

And I am the seed-giving father. v. 4

Brahman is feminine, Krishna masculine – but of course Krishna is brahman and so are we. So it's a way of explaining it. Somehow brahman splits itself – the first division? – Its parts we label in our way male and female.

The part that seems most revelatory to me right now is next, where Krishna explains how the infinite spirit makes itself into nature. Maybe limited by its own knowledge (maybe this is what we are learning to enable us to change form?) brahman creates nature, and nature has three qualities. Maybe it is that for there to be anything, there has to be a dark side. Or again, maybe that just appears to be true at this stage of brahman's growth. In any case, the worlds, or rather the substance out of which univeres and worlds are made is called "nature," and it has 3 parts – the gunas, or qualities of nature.

Recall that the last teaching concluded by saying we are not nature, we are free of nature. But it doesn't appear that way to us because we have participated in this experiment. Those parts that are ready to end the experiment must first understand the "nature" of their bondage, or the conditions of the participation.

Lucidity, passion, dark inertia

The qualities inherent in nature

Bind the unchanging

Embodied self in the body. v. 5

So there you go – this is the material that issues out of brahman, out of the womb. The three qualites are all intertwined. In verse 6, Krishna says lucidity binds us with attachment to joy and knowledge. Passion, v. 7, is emotional and binds us with attachment to action. Dark inertia, "born of ignorance, as the delusion of every embodied self" binds us with negligence, indolence and sleep. V.8.

One can see immediately why this is so; how could brahman play hide and seek without hiding? Each part of brahman that participates, each "self" must accept forgetting, ignorance, delusion. Without that, the experiment wouldn't be real. It must be built in, and so it must be that some selves either were able to forget better, or they reveled more in the delusion, or they were weaker and couldn't find their way out of the delusions for longer, or all three with different selves. Maybe the proportions of the gunas are a bit different, or were a bit different at the start. Why not? Some selves got more lucidity, some more passion, and some more dark inertia.

But of course these are simply the forms – the real Self, the omnipotent, omniscient, eternal Self, is in there, or above or something, and knows what's going on – the Lord, consenting and enjoying and watching how it plays out.

We can therefore manipulate the amounts of the qualities of nature. Give ourselves to passion and "greed and activity, involvement in actions, disquiet and longing arise" – this seems like the main goal of the experiment, since in v.18 Krishna says those who give themselves to passion 'stay inbetween" while those of lucidity go up and inertia go down.

Again, it isn't "wrong" to give oneself up to any of the three; it's all just about where you want to be.

When lucidity prevails,

The self whose body dies

Enters the untainted worlds

Of those who know reality v.14

This must/might be a real place, a very cool kind of "watcher" place, where we can watch the action and learn from it – maybe still in separate bodies. This is my idea of heaven!

When he dies in passion,

He is born among lovers of action;

So when he dies in dark inertia,

He is born into wombs of folly v. 15

The latter doesn't sound so good to me now, but perhaps it did at one time? And maybe I'm not really ready to leave the arena of passion, of action and emotion. I guess only time will tell. But certainly I yearn for that place of lucidity, that community of those "who know reality."

Arjuna asks how it is that we can come to realize we are not this nature at all – how can we cross over the gunas and get back to the Self, maybe to the Whole. Krishna responds:

He does not dislike light

Or activity or delusion;

When they cease to exist

He does not desire them v.22

It isn't like Christianity, Judaism or Islam where spiritual growth is in loving good more and hating evil more. No, there is no hate here. No dislike, even.

He remains disinterested

Unmoved by the qualities of nature;

He never wavers, knowing

That only qualities are in motion v. 23 (my emphasis)

So instead of being angry at myself, say, for eating brownies, I "should" only observe that the qualities of passion and of inertia are in motion. When I read about ignorant people doing hateful things, my emotions "should" not be disturbed, as again it is only the qualities of nature that are doing their thing – doing their part in the experiment I helped to design.

Disinterested here doesn't mean "having no interest," no curiousity. It means not being invested in a particular outcome. Like a good scientist, be intersted in how the data turn out, but not emotionally invested such that if an ant or a bacterium or a computer program does one thing we feel despair, if another happiness. Whatever the data are, they are "good," interesting.

Krishna repeats all he's said before about remaining indifferent to blame or praise, hot or cold. Abandoning involvement, and now it makes more sense. Like the analogy I've used in the past; if I were to play chess against myself to better understand the game, it truly wouldn't matter which side won. Either way, it's still me, and the purpose – to understand the game better – has been realized. This pain – it is a game. Whether I cry and wail, whether I give in and take medication, whether I learn to retreat into meditation – they will all have different results in my life and in the next life this self embodies. But they don't touch the real me except to give me more information.

Can I watch it unfold with dispassion? It has been an interesting life so far. Can I watch my Dad's life with disinterest? With compassion? Can I remember that his Self is learning, just like mine? It is the qualities of nature moving that I see, not Him, as He really is.

May 31

[In the intervening 5 days, I had a spinal headache from a mistake made during an epidural, when Dr. C "nicked the dura" in my spine, leaking spinal fluid into my brain. After a trip to the emergency room (where they diagnosed a migraine – wrong!) and an eventual blood patch, I was finally feeling better]

What a waste! Four days, completely lost! I did deepen my use of the mantra; I guess that makes it not a complete loss. Last time I wrote, Saturday, I really did try to meditate. I gave it 15 minutes, but could not hold the words through the pain of that headache. I really tried. Had to lie down, though, and then switched to the mantra and slept.

I clung to the mantra, repeating it endlessly, or countlessly, over the five days, and it helped me stay alive. Helped me find a place in myself where the body was not quite as loud or as powerful. Not exactly as Easwaran suggests – he doesn't say one should use mantram to enter meditative states, which is what those places were. But the whole experience deepened me, I think. I hope. Hope it wasn't a complete waste. I kept trying to remind myself that my Self had consented to this happening, had consented to my being in that pain, so I better try to figure out why.

Reciting the mantra was the only response I was able to muster, so I hope that was enough. Enough that my wonderful Self doesn't think I need any more of that pain right now, I hope.

I'm not sure why I was confused before by the 15^th Teaching: the True Spirit of Man. In it Krishna says what he has said before, just with different metaphors.

He begins with the idea of a tree – an upside down tree, whose roots are in the air, branches below. The Tree of Life, of nature, that is. The roots are the Truth, the Eternal Self, but the branches are the Self in nature, and are thus composed of the three gunas, I'm guessing.

Its branches

Stretch below and above,

Nourished by nature's qualites,

Budding with sense objects;

Aerial roots

Tangled in actions

Reach downward

Into the world of men. v. 2

Nourished by nature's qualities – lucidity, passion, dark inertia, the tree of life grows sense objects – worlds, right? – With all their visual, sensual parts. And by nature of its qualities, like passion, the branches get entangled in actions, karma. I guess I'm not adding much by what I'm writing, but I feel I'm "getting" it. In the third verse, he says, "cut down this tree with the axe of detachment."

Maybe it isn't really "cutting down the tree" which sounds violent and doesn't appeal to my "green" politics, but shifting the way one looks at the tree. Realize it is a game, a metaphor, a trick of the light. All through my hellish headache I tried to remember to practice that – detachment. I would say to myself – "Poor whitethoughts, she's having a terrible time with that headache!" I tried my hardest to remember, to KNOW, that it wasn't me, not my real Self, and to therefore be detached, disinterested. Let me tell you, that isn't easy.

And right now whitethoughts is waging a battle with her side. The pain wants to control her mind. Maybe not the battle epic songs will recount, but a plenty intense battle nonetheless, and all between parts of the same whole we call "whitethoughts". I just need to keep practicing this disinterest. Be a detached observor of my own life. Of whitethought's life. It will be interesting to see how she manages to catch up on all the work she's missed, and how she manages to get this summer class to come together around the description she wrote. Here's to her effort!

Really Starting to Get It

It has gotten cold again, and snowing again, and very, very busy again. I keep hoping to be able to write a post about what is going on here right now today, but it keeps not happening. On the other hand, I re-read these old journal entries and find I am rediscovering many of the same things all over again, so it doesn't really matter : ) Development really is a spiral path. I might as well have written some of this today as I was reading the Svetasvatara Upanishad, which was written in the early days of the tradition that produced the Bhagavad Gita, maybe 200-400 years earlier.

May 24, 2007

I'm ready to begin the Thirteenth Teaching – Knowing the Field

I'm sure this is more beautiful, less awkward, in Sanskrit. "The field denotes this body" v. 1

The field contains the great elements,

Individuality, understanding,

Unmanifest nature, the eleven senses,

And the five sense realms. v. 5

Are the great elements individuality and understanding? Or something else? I think the latter. Individuality (ahamkara) is the ego, literally the "I-maker". I get that. Understanding (buddhi) is the "collective rational powers, including intuitive intelligence and capacity to make reasoned judgments." It is distinct from mind. In the chariot analogy, the senses are the horses, the mind the reins, understanding the charioteer, and the self the owner of the chariot. So the field, this thing we are to come to know, is all of the above and unmanifest nature, which seems intriguingly out of place in this list. Krishna adds:

Longing, hatred, happiness, suffering,

Bodily form, consciousness, resolve,

This is the field with its changes

Defined in summary. v. 6

So the field is also preference – what I like and dislike and emotional response to having my preferences and attachments fulfilled or not. My body, my thoughts and my will. These are all the parts of the field that I must come to know through disciplined practice. "Knowledge," reminds Krishna, "means humility, sincerity, non-violence, patience, honesty, reverence for one's teacher, purity, stability, self-restraint; dispassion toward sense objects and absence of individuality, seeing defects in birth, death, old age, sickness, and suffering; detachment, uninvolvement with sons, wife and home, constant equanimity in fulfillment or frustration; unwavering devotion to me with singular discipline; retreating to a place of solitude, avoiding worldly affairs; persistence in knowing the self, seeing what knowledge of reality means – all of this is knowledge". v. 7-11.

A pretty tall order. It seems to get harder as it goes along. I am pretty sincere; I am as non-violent as I can be though I do eat meat and I know my lifestyle – using plastic and driving to work – is pretty violent to the earth. I'm working on patience and humility. I can usually be patient with animals, children and students, tho the latter are sometimes a struggle. I am generally less patient with those from whom I expect more; my Dad, my husband, my colleagues. I am consciously working on being more patient with each. I can generally be pretty good with strangers, though I have to be ever vigilant that I don't lash out – in my mind – at other drivers, people in lines, etc.

I am generally honest, but will keep watching myself to see where I am tempted to be dishonest and why. I don't really have a teacher, but I'm kind of using Easwaran, since I get hs "thought of the day' in my e-mail and a monthly newsletter. I wish he were still alive.

Am I pure? Am I stable? I have no idea. How do we even define purity in our culture? Surely not in the same way any Hindu would, and especially one writing c. 150 CE. I'm stable in some ways and not in others. Surely I have a lot of room for improvement in the area of stabilizing my moods. And self-restraint . . . what's that? I have almost none. I eat and drink what I want, when I want. Smoke when I want. Don't exercise, or go for walks. I am not as out of control as I was 2 years ago, but still exert very little pressure on myself. I need to really work on this. Give myself plenty of little tasks thru the day in which I must resist an urge, exercise some self resistance. That will include working on dispassion toward sense objects.

I guess it all works together. Getting better at all the things listed above will help me develop the stuff on the bottom half of the list. I have a long journey ahead of me. I think we Americans begin in a hole, at a spiritual deficit. Because even if we were sometimes poor, we had far fewer opportunities to work on our self-restraint. Of course there are always opportunities for that, a thousand times a day. So I will really try to be more aware of those times and take advantage of them by not letting my will run rampant.

May 25

We are in the 13^th teaching. After describing what knowledge is, Krishna explains what is to be known. "For knowing it, one attains immortality; it is called the supreme infinite spirit, beginningless, neither being nor non-being." v.12. The Sanskrit here is Brahman, the Absolute.

Outside and within all creatures,

Inanimate but still animate,

Too subtle to be known,

It is far distant, yet near.

Undivided, it seems divided

Among creatures;

Understood as their sustainer,

It devours and creates them. v.16

These two verses speak the most to me right now. Brahman, God, the Universe and more, is outside us – is the image Krishna showed Arjuna in that terrifying vision. But that same glorious, all powerful being, infinite and immortal, is also inside us. Doesn't need to be invited in, just recognized as there. It is us – all of us, including my silly kitten Indiana who is laying on this page, and all the critters on the planets in that infinity that is brahman – we are brahman, we make it up. Brahman is across the Universe in a distant galaxy, and brahman is here, next to me in Indy, inside me as well. Which implies brahman knows everything simultaneously – not like a feed, from me to It, but because I am It. So cool. So trippy. This is part of what you see on acid trips, but without the darkness around the edges.

We are all one, undivided. It is an illusion that we are divided into J and I, Iraqi/American, Black and White, Human/Animal/Insect/Grass, and if that isn't trippy enough: earthling/creature from outer space! Supernova and comets, all of that is US, one big brahman, infinite spirit.

And maybe that dark edge is really there – not as an evil (though it makes sense that is how we would perceive it) but because brahman as Vishnu (and Krishna) sustains us, but as Shiva destroys, devours us, only to be created anew by Brahma. Important to understand that all that destruction is us, too.

In v. 17 it says, "Knowledge attained by knowledge, fixed in the heart of everyone." And in v.30, "When he perceives the unity existing in separate creatures and how they expand from unity, he attains the infinite spirit." These speak to me of the idea of brahman as a growing consciousness, one that is learning through its experiences of division. It is an idea I feel comfortable with, that makes sense to me. We expand as a unit from our collective learning. And so, these verses, 19-21, where Krishna explains how nature and man's spirit (atman) are called "causes" because through our agency we produce effects, we produce these experiences, support that conclusion. Our forgetfulness of who we really are and our attachment to our own creation "causes births in the wombs of good and evil." But that isn't a bad thing, it is our purpose. If we all remembered the Truth, we wouldn't be able to keep learning. No wonder this is secret knowledge, hard to obtain.

Witness, consenter, sustainer,

Enjoyer – the great lord

Is called the highest self,

Man's true spirit in this body. v.22

Oh, this really helps! We are our own witnesses. And this the most: a part of me, my highest part, consented to this life I'm living. Consented to the rough adolescence, the molestation, the struggle with drugs, the violence of Roger, and this, the PHN. I consented to this and sustain it because it is teaching me/Us something. We are the enjoyers of what we witness, and collectively we must have realized there was a lot to learn from pain. Krishna reminds us again and again that it isn't some Other, inflicting suffering on us. It is us. And once we really know this, experientially as well as intellectually, we will no longer be born again, no matter, Krishna says, what our current place in life is. This makes sense. Once you've found the hider, the game of hide and seek is over. But us, we, will not be over. We will have just moved off the field to the bleachers.

He really sees

Who sees the highest lord

Standing equal among all creatures,

Undecaying amidst destruction. v.27

When I look at a group of inner city teens, or Mexican peasants, or even George Bush and his neocons, I am looking at God. Though there is destruction, privation, desperation, hate, and evil all around them, in their highest parts, they are God, undecaying. A part of their spirit lives on.

Seeing the lord standing

The same everywhere,

The self cannot injure itself

And goes on the highest way. v.28

But of course. How can I be cruel to God? To myself? This feels like the real goal, the promise for daily life, the thing I want most. To see God everywhere, in everything and everyone, without trying.

Beginningless, without qualities,

The supreme self is unchanging;

Even abiding in a body, Arjuna,

It does not act, nor is it defiled. v. 31

Our true selves are not going to hell or heaven, though there seems room in this philosophy for those who are attached to it; their egos might indeed create and then experience the delights of heaven or the tortures of hell. Sure, why not? But their True self is me. Is J. Is Indy and Isi. No one is really going to hell except as an experience that we will all learn from.

They reach the highest state

Who with the eye of knowledge know

The boundary between the knower and his field,

And the freedom creatures have from nature. v. 34

To conclude the teaching – we are not our bodies or this world. We are completely free of nature. How wonderful if I could truly KNOW this, not as an intellectual puzzle, but with whole heart and mind and being. How can I come to know this that way? Only through meditation. That's it. Disciplined devotion. I did sit on the couch and try again last night. I must keep at it!