Would you believe we are having the second day over 35 degrees? Absolutely amazing! We haven't had such warmth since November or earlier. The huge piles of snow that piled up in December are slowly beginning to melt. These high temps are supposed to continue for nearly a week - we might even get some rain. If so, we may lose the snow cover and that will help the rest of the winter be warmer, since the sunshine won't all be reflected back into the atmosphere. It will begin to warm up the soil and thaw it out for spring planting. I am getting desperate for spring gardening.
May 1, 2007
In the Gita, Krishna had "finished" describing the disciplined person. Now Arjuna speaks for me by saying "I don't see how this can happen – my mind is as hard to hold as the wind."
Krishna says yes, it is hard, but with discipline you can do it. But if he strives to master himself, a man has the means to reach it v. 36. And Arjuna, thank you, again says, "But what if I can't do it?" What if I try, because of my faith, but find I haven't the discipline, can't get it? Are not I then doubly damned?" v.37-38.
Krishna says no, "He does not suffer doom in this world or the next" v.40. If we die before perfection in discipline is reached, Krishna promises that we will be reborn in a better place, positioned so that we may devote ourselves more fully to it.
"Carried by the force of his previous practice" suggests it's good to do whatever we can even if it isn't much, because that is less we'll have to do next life. We won't have to start from scratch. Discipline and devotion are never wasted.
May 4
Reading the Seventh Teaching again. Here is where Krishna really begins to reveal his true nature. His lower and upper natures (saguna and nirguna brahman?). These are such beautiful, such powerful passages, images – "All that exists is woven on me, like a web of pearls on a thread." He seems somewhat sad or lonely when he says:
All this world, deluded
By the qualities inherent in nature,
Fails to know that I am
Beyond them and unchanging. v.13
Like he created the world to have fellow creatures, and then it turned out that the material of creation made it impossible for creator and creature to communicate. Like an unforeseen problem. But the next verse changes the meaning, I think, and makes in more purposeful:
Composed of nature's qualities,
My divine magic is hard to escape;
But those who seek refuge in me
Cross over the magic.
At first I read this as the willful design of Krishna – his magic makes nature what it is in order to hide him from creatures. But he made a way for those who really want him, who are fed up with the barrier and want to return home, to cross. Then I had a glimpse of it being the other way; that despite being trapped by the things he set in motion, there is still a way for people to get to him. Either way, the point is that if we are devoted we can find him.
Arjuna, four types of virtuous men
Are devoted to me;
The tormented man, the seeker of wisdom,
The supplicant, and the sage.
Of these, the disciplined man of knowledge
Is set apart by his singular devotion;
I am dear to the man of knowledge,
And he is dear to me. v. 17
He goes on to describe the closeness further. I wish I had the Sanskrit here, because of course I want to be the one that is most dear! I believe he is saying the jnana yogi, which makes sense in context. I'm not sure what the difference between "the seeker of wisdom" and "the sage" would be. In English there isn't much difference. I really need to get my hands on an original copy and some other translations.
Jnana is the method/path laid out in the Upanishads. The secret knowledge that we are in fact god. That there is atman brahman inside each of us, and that all we have to do is find it and identify with it. So easy sounding! The "tormented man" and the "supplicant" are/must be practitioners of bhakti or karma yoga, or the former one can be seen as not a yogi at all but someone who throws himself, with complete abandon, on god's mercy.
Krishna promises that the jnana yogi will, after many lives, find refuge in him. He says that others, "robbed of knowledge by stray desires" take refuge in other deities, so those who need something to do with the senses, or individuality, or something like that, get caught up in the promises of other gods, "limited by their own nature." And here is what I love about Krishna and about Hinduism.
Krishna does not speak angrily about these people. He does not condemn them to everlasting torment, to any kind of hell. Amazing, isn't it? Instead of jealously blasting them, he says:
I grant unwavering faith
To any devoted man who wants
To worship any form
With faith.
Disciplined by that faith,
He seeks the deity's favor;
Thus secured, he gains desires
That I myself grant. v. 22
So anyone who devotes themselves faithfully to ANY god receives blessings from Krishna, or from Universal, Absolute Reality, as we understand Krishna to be. There is no punishment, except:
But finite is the reward
That comes to men of little wit;
Men who sacrifice to the gods reach the gods;
Those devoted to me reach me. v. 23
You can have what you want. If all you are able to see is Siva, or Yahweh, then please, devote yourself and you will be rewarded with what you asked for. But you will still be unsatisfied because you are still not united with the Ground of Ultimate Being.
May 5
[Description of rude treatment at town's only Indian restaurant]
There is very little chance I would be welcomed with open arms into the Indian community. And it hurt, and made me sad to remember that in reality, in the world I live in, even Hindu Indians tend to be misogynists. At minimum they are mostly racist, elitist, sexist, patriarchal bigots. Maybe it is just the city Brahmins. One can hope. And yes, I know I am making sweeping, stereotypical judgements. But I'm not wrong about the racism, sexism and classism, am I? So what are the chances of a white woman approaching these guys and asking about learning Hindu rites? Yeah, right. So I feel sad. There is a big Hindu temple not too super far away – about an hour's drive. But I don't think I'll be going unless I can find a woman to invite me. Everywhere, everywhere, people do not practice what they preach. Disappointing.
I am undeterred. Some of the best Christians are people who came to it from different traditions and should shame those born to it. Why should I be different? I can devote myself to jnana yoga under the protection of Krishna if I so desire, and I do, and bigots cannot say no.
. . .
I had an insight last night as I was washing my face before bed. I caught my own eye in the mirror several times as I was saying my mantra, and I remembered back to when I learned how to do that. As a child I sometimes sang to God while looking in the mirror, and I remember doing that in Spokane and a couple of other places and times in my life.
But through the bad years, it was rare. I never – or almost never – looked at my own eyes except by accident. I had too much shame. When I accidentally did, I would look away; my face burning in . . . shame is the only appropriate word. It was actually an assignment that E (a counselor in my late teens/early 20s) gave me as part of my therapy, and it was a big deal that I had to plan for and arrange. I was in the apartment on __________ (J & R's building). I lit candles, and sat on the floor in front of a floor-length mirror, and had to work up to meeting my own gaze.
I had a talk with myself, and I forced myself to admire my face and my eyes, and then to look deep . . . and what I found in there was love. Forgiveness. Even admiration, or no - adoration, peace in my conflict-ridden life; a pool of calm, quiet acceptance. No shame. Nothing to be ashamed of. And I cried and cried and cried, and promised to take better care of me, and I began to heal.
It wasn't long after that that I refused to have sex with people I didn't want to, which meant I soon lost the apartment and was homeless again. But I didn't have to drink as much, and I got more serious about school; I began to build a life for myself. Began journaling not long after.
I realize now that looking into my own eyes and finding that love was a huge part of it. It was a spiritual moment, as I had as a child. And in Spokane and ever since then I have had those moments, talking to God through the mirror.
So last night all of this clicked, and I realized what it meant: I have always found God inside myself. At a younger age I might have interpreted that as Jesus inside my heart, having been invited there at three. And maybe that is also true. But I believe now that is my Atman Brahman, the piece of God that is me.
So I have some experience of this, I know what Krishna means when he speaks of the inner spirit, the infinite spirit inside. I'm so excited, because I was thinking it would be hard to even feel it, or really get it. And so to realize that I have always known this – that God is in me, God is me. I am my own Conscience – it is myself I was afraid of disappointing, of shaming, of letting down. I was afraid the person in my eyes would be cold and unforgiving. Because who knows better than I how bad I've been, who knows every secret mean, envious, untruthful, selfish thought? I was terrified of her judgment of me, and her condemnation. Her contempt. Instead of all those things I found a tender, forgiving, all-encompassing love. Who can love like that but God?
There was and has been since at times also gentle but firm reminders that now I must do what is right, turn away from behavior that hurts me and others. But all in love. At a time, at all the times I hate myself, there was this person inside me, loving me. Wow.
I cannot lie to my own eyes. I need to always remember that as a test. But this is bigger than that. It means I have a platform on which to build. Krishna's next teaching is all about that.
The Eighth Teaching: The Infinite Spirit
Arjuna asks Krishna about his last statement in the 7th teaching, when Krishna says
Men who know me as the inner being,
Inner divinity, and inner sacrifice
Have disciplined their reason;
They know me at the time of their death.
He asks how this infinite spirit can be in the body. What is it? Krishna answers:
Eternal and supreme is the infinite spirit;
Its inner self is called inherent being;
Its creative force, known as action [karma]
Is the source of creatures' existence.
Its inner being is perishable existence;
Its inner divinity is man's spirit'
I am the inner sacrifice
Here in your body, O Best of Mortals.
A man who dies remembering me
At the time of death enters my being
When he is freed from his body;
Of this there is no doubt. v. 5
Wow. I am really tripping, to use an old phrase. As I wrote this, my mind kept going to Jesus. Don't these words sound familiar? Could it be that Jesus was teaching this exact same stuff, but people around him didn't get it? Brahman is the Sanskrit she's translating as Infinite Spirit. I might prefer she left it as is or used the more common translation – Absolute.
The fourth verse seems strangely worded, and I seem to have struggled with it before. Brahman's inner being is perishable existence? Or is it that brahman is the inner being of perishable existence? Brahman is the inner being of man's spirit. And brahman sacrifices itself here in our bodies. Just like Jesus, except his followers didn't understand that he meant God was in all of us.
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