[More detailed discussion of history of relationship with Dad, Mom, their divorce, etc.]
It feels good to have let go of my need for him to be a certain way. I guess I am coming out the other side of grief. I had to let myself mourn the breaking of the family and the loss of the father figure I had in my mind. It is kind of strange, like a hole where there once was an aching tooth. Keep poking it with the tongue, but the pain just isn't there anymore. Wow. I guess all this stuff I'm doing is actually working.
I think it happened this way: once I saw what I was doing, that I was trying to force Dad into my image (or imago, as the object-relations folks would have it), and that I was angry at another human being when I don't know what their path will bring them . . . Once I was able to see that Dad's true Self is God, is like my true Self, IS my true Self, I just didn't feel angry or even hurt anymore. Strange, but true.
The world really is what we think it is; we can utterly change our relation to the world by thinking something different. Wow. I just keep being amazed, filled with wonder and with joy.
Quickly, let me write about the Gita's message today.
The faith each man has, Arjuna,
Follows his degree of lucidity;
A man consists of his faith,
And as his faith is, so is he. v.17:3
This is kind of what I was just saying. As my faith in the wisdom of Krishna deepens, my self changes. As I acknowledge in my heart the truth of the Gita, my views, attitudes, beliefs, emotions and values change. With little conscious attention or effort, my self has emptied of anger and become full of compassion. What an amazing, beautiful thing – more so because I can feel it is just the beginning, just a small taste of what will come if I become more disciplined. I have yet to follow Easwaran's suggestion of meditating 30 minutes a day on a text (for me St. Francis' prayer). I will do that. I'll get there, and I feel so excited about what further miracles might happen inside me.
June 7
I am in the 18th and last Teaching: The Wondrous Dialogue Concludes. Always relevant, the Gita here is speaking of renunciation and relinquisment. Krishna brings up a debate:
Some wise men say all action
Is flawed and must be relinquished;
Others say action in sacrifice, charity,
And penance must not be relinquished. v.3
Krishna declares his decision, which must be taken as final. The very fact that he makes a decision says to me that God, brahman, does learn and change. Krishna decides that action is not to be totally relinquished, i.e. we are not to sit down in a monestary or under a tree and never get up again.
Action in sacrifice, charity,
And penance is to be performed,
Not relinquished – for wise men,
They are acts of sanctity. v. 5
But even these actions
Should be done by relinquishing to me
Attachment and the fruit of action –
This is my decisive idea. v. 6
We are to perform prescribed actions. So, rituals, prayers, all the traditional Hindu stuff. Do the labor prescribed by our stations in life, and our caste. Applied to me – I need to do the work of being a daughter, sister, wife, friend and the work of teaching, service and research. Maybe also some religious ritual. Do these things as best I can, but relinquish the fruits; do not become attached. If I get good evaluations, I need to offer them up in loving sacrifice. Don't allow pride and individuality to delude me into taking personal credit. Same with all my actions.
A man burdened by his body
Cannot completely relinquish actions,
But a relinquisher is defined
As one who can relinquish the fruits. v. 11
We have these bodies for a reason. We decided to be bodies in the first place. And because of nature's qualities, the gunas, we must act. But it isn't me that acts, it is nature. In v. 16, Krishna says that a person who sees himself as the agent of his own actions "cannot be said to see."
He goes on to explain things I don't really get, and don't feel ready to completely get, about agency, action and knowledge. It seems like it might be a useful expositon for my research, as well as my life, but I'm not in a mental space to completely decipher the meaning.
Know that through lucid knowledge
One sees in all creatures
A single, unchanging existence,
Undivided within its divisions v. 20
I think this is enough for one day . . . one lifetime. Keep remembering that all existence is one. That will greatly help my relationships at work if I just hold on to it.
June 8
[After reading the evaluations from my spring courses – one class took a big dive]
I really need to dive into the Gita! I am feeling so hurt, and like such a failure. Which is incorrect – I did not fail. I made some mistakes, I'm not perfect, but I didn't fail. And the students are commenting about a course, and how it went for them. They are evaluating the instruction; not me as a human being. And furthermore, it isn't my Self – its just whitethoughts, who is learning an awful lot this life about a lot of things. Stumbling is supposed to happen.
So I'm going to re-read the 18th Teaching. What will I do after that? I may start again at the beginning, but I do have another text . . . we'll see.
An agent called pure
Has no attachment or individualism,
Is resolute and energetic,
Unchanged in failure or success v.26
An agent said to be passionate
Is anxious to gain the fruit of action,
Greedy, essentially violent, impure,
Subject to excitement and grief. v. 27
An agent defined by dark inertia
Is undisciplined, vulgar, stubborn,
Fraudulent, dishonest, lazy,
Depressed, and slow to act. v. 28
In all of Krishna's descriptions in this teaching and the previous, I see myself mostly in the passionate category. Like here, I am excited when my evaluations are good, full of grief when they are bad. I am greedy, anxious for the fruit. I put in so much work, and tried to offer it up, yet here I am, still attached to the work and greedy for results. There are sometimes hints of dark inertia. I feel as if I am still fighting the tempation to be lazy and depressed. I know I'm stubborn and terribly undisciplined about some things.
So I am sitting in passion, but closer to dark inertia than to lucidity. I see the goal. I can be resolute and energetic. I need to use what energy I have to become immune to failure and success. Let go of the fruit of action. Whether the class was a success or not depended on a lot things and people. When things go well, who is that for? Not for me. I offer that up in sacrifice. Need to let go of the failure, as well.
I teach because it is my dharma to teach. I try to improve because I hope my students will come to understand more things. Not because it will bring glory or prestige, but because that is what I am here to do.
Each one achieves success
By focusing on her own action;
Hear how one finds success
By focusing on her own action v.45
Arjuna, a (wo)man should not relinquish
Action she is born to, even if it is flawed;
All undertakings are marred by a flaw,
As fire is obscured by smoke. v.48
Justifications for the caste system, but I can see utility in these verses. Keep doing what I am supposed to do. Don't worry too much about the flaws inherent in any system. Just do the work and let the chips fall where they may.
If I am in your thought, by my grace
You will trancend all dangers v.58
Different subject, but I love the verse:
You must not speak of this
To one who is without penance and devotion,
Or who does not wish to hear,
Or who finds fault with me. v.67
An anti-conversion stance. I love it.
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